Simon Doonan: Fear of Squat

Summary

Summary of "Simon Doonan: Fear of Squat" – The Moth Podcast

Introduction

In the episode titled "Simon Doonan: Fear of Squat," hosted by Dan Kennedy and featured on The Moth podcast, Simon Doonan, the Creative Director of Barneys New York and bestselling author, recounts a humorous and insightful story from his early days working in fashion retail in Los Angeles during the early 1980s. Recorded live at The Moth main stage in 2006, this tale delves into themes of identity, societal expectations, and the absurdities of consumer culture.

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Setting the Scene: 1980s Los Angeles Fashion Scene ([02:45])

Simon begins his story by painting a vivid picture of Los Angeles in the early 1980s, emphasizing the vibrant yet challenging environment of the fashion industry. He describes his workplace—a prestigious clothing store named Maxfield, located on Santa Monica next to the iconic Troubadour. As a window dresser, Simon felt relegated to the back lines, observing from afar as high-fashion items were purchased by celebrities like Joni Mitchell, Jackson Browne, Fleetwood Mac, and Cher.

“We were all very poor. We had no money. We'd arrive every morning in our beaten-up Camaros with flip flops on and with mufflers dragging in the parking lot.” ([03:30])

Encounter with the Aerobics Enthusiast ([04:50])

Simon narrates a pivotal moment when he encounters a coworker dressed extravagantly in Lycra and leg warmers while doing aerobics. Initially mocking her distinctive outfit, he is intrigued when she explains her passion for aerobics, assuring him it prevents weight gain—addressing his own insecurities about becoming "squat."

“She said, aerobics. It's incredible. I go every day and it's amazing. You can eat whatever you want and you never get fat.” ([06:15])

This conversation sparks Simon's obsession with avoiding being "squat," a term he uses to describe being short and overweight, a frustration partly rooted in his mother's remarks about height and weight.

Immersion into the Aerobics Cult ([07:40])

Driven by his fixation, Simon joins aerobics classes, transforming his wardrobe to fit the trend. He humorously details his mismatched attire and the over-the-top environment of the aerobics studio, comparing it to a “nylon Nuremberg rally” due to the sea of Lycra and synchronized movements.

“People typically took up the same spots, right? So you're in the studio, same adjacencies.” ([10:25])

Roommate Conflict and Personal Struggles ([12:10])

Simon's roommate, Robert from Carlisle, represents stoicism and bluntness, contrasting sharply with Simon's new vibrant lifestyle. Robert disapproves of Simon's aerobics obsession, mocking his attire and dedication.

“Robert was openly disgusted by my new enthusiasms... He would go into the bathroom with pastry tongs and pick up my little jock straps and dance belts and lycratites and say, which bit of you is this supposed to fit?” ([13:45])

This tension highlights the personal conflicts arising from societal pressures and individual aspirations.

The Shelley Winters Incident ([14:30])

A significant turning point occurs when actress Shelley Winters visits the store where Simon works. Enthusiastic and out of character, she purchases unusual items like Versace leather pants to hang on her refrigerator door. During aerobics, Simon inadvertently shares this story with his coworker from the National Enquirer, who embellishes it for a sensational article.

“A week later, the National Enquirer comes out and there's this thing in there and it says, Shelley Winters buys leather pants to hang on the refrigerator door.” ([15:00])

Feeling betrayed for divulging the story, Simon grapples with guilt until he rationalizes his actions by viewing himself as part of a larger battle against "squatness."

“When you want something, when you long for something, when you're addicted to fashion, you will justify anything to get the money to buy it.” ([15:50])

Resolution and Reflection ([16:00])

Ultimately, Simon accepts the situation, cashes the check from the National Enquirer, and indulges in his passion by purchasing Stephen Sprouse Psychopants. He dedicates his story to Shelley Winters, acknowledging the complexities of personal desires and ethical compromises.

“I think, holy Mary, I haven't betrayed her. We're foot soldiers in the same battle against squatness.” ([16:02])

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Conclusion

Simon Doonan's "Fear of Squat" is a humorous yet poignant exploration of personal identity, societal expectations, and the lengths one might go to fit into a desired image. Through his engaging storytelling, Doonan illustrates the absurdities of the fashion world and the internal conflicts that arise from balancing self-expression with external pressures. The narrative underscores the universal struggle between embracing individual passions and conforming to societal norms, all delivered with Doonan's signature wit and charm.

Notable Quotes

• “You’d rather be criminally insane than squat, right? I’d rather get Ebola virus than become squat.” ([05:30])
• “People from the north of England are known for this thing called plain speaking, which is just a weird way of saying they're insulting, they're just blunt.” ([11:15])
• “I dedicated my story to the late, great Shelley. Let’s hear it for Shelley.” ([16:00])

Implications and Insights

Doonan's story offers insights into the fashion industry's influence on personal identity and the sometimes humorous extremes individuals go to maintain societal standards of beauty and success. It highlights the internal battles many face between personal desires and external judgments, encouraging listeners to reflect on their own motivations and the societal constructs they navigate.

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Supporting The Moth

The Moth is a nonprofit dedicated to the art of storytelling. To support their mission and continue enjoying such captivating stories, consider becoming a member or attending their events. Visit themoth.org for more information.

Transcript

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[Dan Kennedy]

Welcome to the Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. So the Moth features true stories and they're all told live and they're all told without notes. The stories on the podcast are taken from our ongoing storytelling series in New York, Los Angeles, and now we've added Chicago and Detroit as well. We also include stories from our tour shows across the country. For more details on all of this, visit themoth.org Also, the moth is coming to Boston. There's going to to be a Moth mainstage show in Boston Thursday, October 29, and that is going to be at the Psy center at Boston University. For Tickets, check out themoth.org the story you're about to hear by Simon Doonan was recorded live at the Moth main stage in 2006. The theme of that night was fashion Stories.

[Simon Doonan]

My story is set in Los Angeles in the early 1980s. It's a tale of treachery, Lycra and leg warmers. She walked towards me looking like a Patrick Nagle drawing. She was encased in nylon and Dan skins and she looked totally like Olivia Newton John. I can't. What was that? You know, that thing where she had the thing around her head? Anyway, aerobics. So I recognized this girl. I realized that we worked together, but she was hard to recognize because I'd never seen her dressed like this before. Normally she was wearing like Claude Montana or Thierry Mugler or some early 80s fashion fiesta. But we worked at the same clothing store and this clothing store is still there in la. At the time, it was on Santa Monica next to the Troubadour. It's called Maxfield. And I did the windows and she was one of the salespeople. We were all very poor. We had no money. We'd arrive every morning in our beaten up Camaros with flip flops on and with mufflers dragging in the parking lot. Early 80s LA. Imagine. It wasn't like it is now, all groovy and hepped up. So unlike the salespeople could take things from the rack and wear them so they could put on this sort of front of glamour and be wearing Yoji and God knows what else. As a lowly display person, I didn't have that. So I longed for all these clothes. They were way out of my price range. And all the famous people would come in and buy them. Joni Mitchell, Jackson Browne. Remember, it was the early 80s and Fleetwood Mac and Cher. So they would all come in and shop and buy all these fabulous clothes. And I was the lowly window dresser. So anyway, I run into this girl in the supermarket in this insane outfit, and I'm really ready to take the piss out of her, little knowing that she's a member of a cult that I'm about to join. So she. I said to her, not without a trace of sarcasm, nifty outfit. And she said, aerobics. It's incredible. I go every day and it's amazing. You would love it. You can eat whatever you want and you never get fat. Never get fat. Never get fat. Never get fat. And I thought, holy shit. And those words, never get fat, they had this resonance for me. And I realized that I had this fixation about not getting fat. And I know where it came from. My mother, she used to say, tall people, tall people can eat whatever they want. They can really pig out. We can't because we're short. If we eat too much, we become squat. And, like, you'd rather be criminally insane than squat, right? No one wants to be squat. I'd rather Get Ebola virus than become squat. So that night I went to aerobics with my friend and we went into the Sports Connection, which is where they filmed that movie. Perfect. So it was a whole. You can imagine how demented everybody looked. This whole room was covered in mauve carpet. There were mirrors everywhere. The women filled the salon, or whatever you call it, the studio. And it was like a nylon Nuremberg rally, like a sea of Lycra. And everyone had, like, things up here. And double pantyhose so you couldn't see. You're like. And leg warmers and scrunch socks. Remember when you didn't just wear socks, you wore scrunch socks. And I was wearing this. You know, I cobbled together an outfit. It was like, oily sneakers, vintage resort shorts with paint on them, and an old punk T shirt. Because, being very trendy, I was always very trendy. I was like glam rock and then punk and then buffalo girls and pirates, you know, whatever it was, I was into it. So now I was into aerobics. And so the instructress arrived. She pops in the cassette. Of course, you've guessed it. It was the disco version of Cats Memories, right? So the room explodes into unified movement, right? So I follow along and I'm doing very well. And by the time we get to pull downs. Remember pull downs? Hello. By the time we get to pull downs, I'm thinking, the endorphins are kicking in. I'm thinking, this is my destiny. I was always meant to do this. I was always meant to be here on the mauve carpet with the girls doing pull downs. So then, remember that one? What was that supposed to do? Nobody knows. We all did it anyway. So I'm so into it, I'm back the next night. I'm going regularly. I even went to Jane Fonda's, and her ladyship herself gave a class. And I was completely into it, swallowed up into a cult. And I was buying these demented outfits from the shop at the gym and, you know, little muscle shirts and little shorts. And I had the whole. Even the toweling things for the wrists. So then my roommate at the time was a guy called Robert, a bloke called Robert, who was from Carlisle in the north of England. And then I don't know if any of you are unfortunate enough to know anybody from the north of England, but people from the north of England are known for this thing called plain speaking, which is just a weird way of saying they're insulting, they're just blunt. And Robert was openly disgusted by my new enthusiasms, plural. He was completely disgusted by what was going on. His idea of exercise was pushing the vacuum cleaner around. Singing along to we built this city. We built this because it's early 80s, right? And he didn't have to worry about getting squat because he was very tall and he had very long legs. People used to say, oh, you've got legs like Jerry Hall. And he would say, my ankles are better than hers. He was very tall and he didn't exercise. And he was so disgusted by my enthusiasms. And he would go into the bathroom with pastry tongs and pick up my little jock straps and dance belts and lycratites and say, which bit of you is this supposed to fit? And he said, I can't believe you're going out in the street like that. I don't know what your mother would say. Because we knew each other's families and I said, my mother would be very proud that I'm fighting the battle against becoming squat. So back in the aerobic studio. Studio in aerobics, those of you who are part of this wonderful cult will remember that people typically took up the same spots, right? So you're in the studio, same adjacencies. There was this chick who we always ended up lying next to each other doing our leg lifts. Point and flex and point eight, six and seven and remember those? And she worked for the National Enquirer. She was tall, she was blonde, she drove this big pink Cadillac with furry dice. She was the first chick I ever knew who wore a crucifix before Madonna. Anyway, she worked for the National Enquirer. She was a muckraker. And she would say to me, we'd be laying there just doing our leg lifts and she'd say, got any dirt? And I'd say, like what? And she'd say, well, haven't you seen Joan Collins freaking out or Linda Evans getting a colonic or, you know, Dick Van Dyke all boozed up at the liquor store? You must have seen something. She'd get very, very demanding and I felt like I worked for her or something. I never had any dirt for her. And I was this huge disappointment. This person who, you know, just didn't ever have any dirt and was just like a big loser because I never had any dirt. And she'd half an roll over and start doing the other side. So just before Christmas, I'm at my place of employ up a ladder, zhushing some Christmas things around. A Comme des Garcons sweater with a hole in it, because that was all starting to happen. And all of a sudden I hear this big kerfuffle at the front door of the store. And I look over and I think, it's not Fleetwood Mac back again, is it? No, it wasn't. Better still, it was Shelley Winters. So Shelley Winters comes busting into the store and I think, jesus Christ, it's Shelley Winters, two time Academy Award winner. Hello. So she's like chatting to everybody, and she's really friendly and funny and she's wearing a mink coat, which nobody understands because it's 110 degrees outside. But all of a sudden, she grabs a size 6 pair of Versace leather pants and she throws them on the counter and throws her credit card. And the sales girl very sort of tentatively, diplomatically said, oh, Ms. Winters, did you see this? And she said, I know, I'm buying these to hang on my refrigerator door. She was going to buy these size 6 pair of pants and hang them on the refrigerator door. That night at aerobics, there's my friend. Got any dirt? And I said, no, but Shelley Winters came in the store today and bought us Isaacs. And before I could get the story out, she tore into her fanny pack. Because we all wore fanny packs then, not just lesbians, we all wore them. And she pulled out a notepad and she started frantically scribbling it all down. And I thought, oh, fuck, what have I done? Because I knew we weren't supposed to blab to the tabs, really. You know, I kind of have a rough idea about that. And they'd sponsored my green card and. Jesus Christ. Anyway, so a week later, the National Enquirer comes out and there's this thing in there and it says, shelley Winters buys leather pants to hang on the refrigerator door. The whole story was in there. She put the whole thing in there. And I thought, holy Mary, I betrayed the great Shelley Winters. It wasn't enough that Robert Mitchum cut her throat in that movie and the Nazis dragged her off in the Diary of Anne Frank. And, you know, James Mason raped her daughter in Lolita. I betrayed that woman at her most vulnerable in her battle against becoming squat. So I just felt like shit. So then I felt horrible. And then a check arrived a week later from the National Enquirer for Shelley Winters item. So I felt even more horrible. You know, I betrayed her. Here was this money. What could I do? Could I call Shelley's office and say maybe I could donate it to the charity of Shelley's Choice? That seemed like a really crappy idea. So I didn't do that. But you know, when you want something, when you long for something, when you're addicted to fashion, you will justify anything to get the money to buy it. You will find a way to rationalize doing something really egregious, which is obviously I had and I found a way to rationalize it. I thought, I haven't betrayed Shelley Winters. I woke up one morning, I had this realization, I haven't betrayed her. We're foot soldiers in the same battle against squatness. And all I did was disseminate this wonderful tip about how to battle squatness. And so I deserved that money. In fact, it should have been a bigger check. So I cashed it and finally I got to go shopping at the store and I bought these Stephen Sprouse Psychopants, which I still have. So and I dedicate my story to the late, great Shelley. Let's hear it for Shelley.

[Dan Kennedy]

Simon Doonan is the Creative Director of Barneys New York. He's a columnist for the New York observer and is the best selling author of many books including Eccentric Glamour and Wacky Chicks. The Moth is a non profit organization, so consider supporting the Moth and this free podcast that you're listening to by becoming a Moth member. Or you could also buy a ticket to the annual Mothball Fundraiser that's going to be on November 17th. To learn more about that, visit themoth.org and you can also buy moth stories on CD including today's story and that is featured on a CD called Audience Favorites Volume 4. Now you can also download the Moth podcast directly to your smartphone and listen on the go. Visit stitcher.com and download the free application today. Our podcast host, Dan Kennedy is the author of the recently published book Rock An Office Power Ballad. Learn [e-mail] thanks to Maz Swift for our podcast music and thanks to all of you for listening. We hope you have a story worthy week. Podcast audio production by Paul Ruest at the Argo Network Podcast hosting by PRX Public Radio Exchange helping make public radio more [e-mail].