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The end of the year, I'm thinking about the next Next year is the year I finally make my Spanish better than my 9 year old's. Rosetta Stone is the most trusted language learning program available on desktop or as an app, and it truly immerses you in the language that you want to learn. I can't wait to use Rosetta Stone and finally speak better than my 9 year old who's been learning Spanish in his own way. Rosetta Stone is the trusted expert for 30 years with millions of users and 25 languages offered. Spanish, French, Italian, German, Korean. I could go on fast language acquisition. Rosetta Stone immerses you in many ways. There are no English translations, so you can really learn to speak, listen and think in that language. Start the new year off with a resolution you can reach today. The Moth listeners can take advantage of this Rosetta Stones lifetime membership for 50% off visit rosettastone.com moth that's 50% off. Unlimited access to 25 language courses for the rest of your Life. Redeem your 50% off@Rosetta Stone.com moth today.
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Welcome to the Moth podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. By now you've heard it a few times in your headphones, but I'll tell you again that the Moth is a nonprofit organization, and you also know that it features true stories told live on stage without any notes. All stories on the podcast are taken from our ongoing storytelling series here in New York and also Los Angeles, Chicago and Detroit shows. We also use stories from our tour shows across the country when we're on the road. If you'd like more information about the Moth, check out the site themoth.org when we announced that Steve Burns of Blue's Clues fame was going to tell a Moth story. Our Facebook fans went wild asking us to podcast it. And since you asked for it, well, you got it. And thanks to the modern computer, it's our fastest turnaround for a story yet on the podcast. The story you're about to hear by Steve Burns was recorded live at the Moth main stage on September 15, 2010. The theme of the night was Tangled up stories about Blue.
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Hi. I'm very excited to be here. Thank you, Kevin. From about 1995, 96 until about 2002, I had the great fortune of being the host of Nickelodeon's Blues Clues. I see many of you were five in 1998. It was a very, very, very wonderful thing. But that was kind of an interesting reaction there because you either know that show or you totally don't know that show. It afforded me a sort of rare thing. I called it micro celebrity because I wasn't famous, really. I would tell everybody that I was famish, which is actually different. I say, I would say that, you know, being like famous people are like famous people without the public dignity is involved in being actually famous. So for the uninitiated, Blue's Clues was an animated children's television show wherein I would gallivant, if you will, with a magical animated blue puppy. And I would talk to salt shakers and bars of soap. And I am completely unrecognizable now, but the way I looked then, imagine I had lime green socks on and really embarrassing pleated pants, a striped polo shirt that I wore in every single episode and hair like Lego helmet hair. And I was yelling yopey and dopey and so excited about absolutely everything. And I had this giant red chair that I couldn't wait to sit in all the time. And when the mail showed up, I froak out. Like, just froak out. I would leap into the air and start gambling about like a lamb and just like swinging my arms and I would sing this crazy song and I would freak out and then I would scream, scream like Pee Wee Herman at the. Ah, it was crazy and it was awesome, but it was not exactly the kind of thing that I would think would ever get me a date. But it was great. And it was all to. It was all to wonderful effect because the show was incredibly well thought out and it was. It was incredibly educational. And my favorite part of the show, my job in the show was to talk directly through the camera and to actually cultivate, if I could, a relationship with an individual child through a tv. The conceit being that I can hear them and that they can hear me. And that's tricky. And what we found out is that it totally worked, and kids thought I was their friend for real, like, millions of them. And I thought, oh, wow. Because the show actually became very popular. And despite how wonderful it was, the more popular it became, the more that started to weigh on me, for real. I started to think, well, I'm saying these wonderful things to kids. I'm saying, you know, you are so smart, and you can do anything that you want to do. But I couldn't help thinking, you know, is that true? For real? You know, is that. Am I saying the right things to all of these children? It felt like a really tremendous responsibility. And on top of that, my name on the show was Steve, and my name in real life is Steve. And it was becoming this sort of thing where people assumed I created the show or that I was Fred Rogers in some way. And it was this indelible thing. Like, I wore the same shirt every time. It was, like a very iconic thing on purpose. And it was in multiple countries now. And I had moved to New York to be Serpico, really. You know, I moved to New York, I was gonna fail privately, or I was gonna be Al Pacino, and that was it for real. And now this thing was happening, and it was getting huge. And I thought, well, I didn't expect any of this. I didn't even know any children when I moved to New York. You know, I'm really wor. I'm like, am I the right guy for this job? I took it really, really seriously, and my contract was up for renewal, and I was starting to really, seriously think, as great as this is, they might have the wrong guy here, and maybe this should be a teacher or a child development specialist or something. And I was very, very conflicted about it. And I was seriously thinking, I'm having an identity crisis, and maybe I shouldn't do this. And then I became one of People magazine's most eligible b. And that sounded good. You know, I'm the nerd from high school, obviously. And so that was wonderful. And I thought that was the greatest thing in the world. I took the magazine to bars with me. Like, I wanted to make T shirts. Like, I was just like, whoa. And so then we started getting fan mail. Like, we'd never gotten fan mail before, you know, from ladies. And it was very different. And Nickelodeon kept a lot of that from me. But one of them made it to my desk, and I opened it, and it was an 8 by 10 glossy of an incredibly gorgeous woman in a swimsuit. I was like, wow, she could be a swimsuit model. And I flipped it over and there was a letter, and she was a swimsuit model, and she had been in Playboy. She's a Playboy model. And this is her phone number. And we should have dinner sometime. I'm in the area and I'm like, I can't do that. She's clearly an axe murderer, and this isn't real. So. So I didn't. I didn't call her, but I did hang it on. On my office door. And it. And. Because it was funny, you know, And. And it. And it stayed there for a long time. It stayed there for like a month, two months or something. And then I heard a knock on my office door, and I opened it up, and there's, like, half of the animators out there now. The animators. Those are my friends at Blue's Clues, right? The animators. They're nerds. They're total nerds. They live in caves and they, like, move pixels around and they. And they shun the light. They're the nerds. They're my people, right? And they're deadly serious, and they're pointing to the picture and they're like, you have to call her for us. And it's clear they don't mean for them. They mean for me and them, because we are the same. And then at that moment, I realized, yes, this is my John Hughes moment. And I have to call the Playboy model. How do you not do that? So I call her, and she's really who she says she is. And, you know, and I'm really me. And, you know, we're not axe murderers. And, yeah, we're gonna. We're gonna go to a fancy restaurant. We decide to go on a really fancy date. I'm going on a date with a Playboy model, and she asks me to send a limo, and I suggest, well, maybe I could pick you up in my Volkswagen Beetle and we can drop the car off in Brooklyn and take a car to the city. How's that? She's like, well, that sounds great, too. So she lives in New Jersey. So I'm driving to New Jersey, terrified. I've got flowers. I'm, like, sweating behind the wheel, and I've got The ghost of 30 animators in the backseat of my Beetle with me. Stay focused, Steve. Don't let us down. So I drive all the way out to Jersey in the suburbs, and I knock on her door, and she opens the door and she's at least 6ft tall, and she has giant fake boobs. Just giant. And they weren't in the swimsuit picture. So they're clearly new and clearly not real and clearly fake and clearly giant. And they're here, like, for real. And I honestly thought that I was gonna be suave and go in for the kiss on the cheek, give her the flowers, and we'd be off, but I couldn't. Like, I was coming in under the radar. So I shake her hand and I'm looking up at her, she's looking down at me like, oh, boy. And, you know, she's wearing tight acid wash jeans and red pumps and. And a. And a glittery leopard print tank top. And I'm like. And it's immediately awkward. I'm like, well, shall we, Shall? She's like, yeah. So we go to my car. We sit in the car, and I'm putting on my seatbelt, and she stares straight ahead and just says, I thought you'd be taller. And I clicked my seatbelt and said, so did I. So now I'm having a panic attack. And I'm like, how can I say this? Because the truth is, she's really, really beautiful. And that's a Playboy model. And, you know, like, this is my one shot at this for sure. You know, I've got to make this right for the animators and me. So as I'm pulling out of her cul de sac, I notice on a mailbox, a balloon, a blue balloon. And then I notice on another mailbox, another blue balloon leading up to another mailbox with bunch of paw prints on it and a sign underneath it that said, you just figured out Jonathan's birthday. Clearly someone in her neighborhood was having a Blue's Clues themed birthday party in my car at that moment, I had a box of toys, Blue's Clues toys, some autographs, and the outfit from Blues Blues. And I thought, believe it or not, this is the only game you have, man. So. So I looked at her as suavely as I could. I said, would you mind? And she was great. She was like, no, that would be awesome. I know these guys. Come on, let's do it. So I put on the outfit and I get the toys, and I walk into Jonathan's backyard. He's having a birthday party with a Carvel cake. And I'm like, hey, who's Jonathan? Happy birthday. And the kids freak out, the mom freaks out, and the dad's like, who is this man? You know? And she's great. She runs interference. She's like, no, that's really him. I'm your neighbor, and we have an awesome time for, like, 20 minutes. And these kids are awesome. And, like, I'm making this kid's life. It's fantastic. And now we've got something to talk about, right? So we're in the car, and everything's great. We drop the car off, we go to the restaurant, and the first thing that happens is I walk in with her, and there's a couple right here, and it's a married couple. And the guy looks at me, recognizes me clearly. And I watch him say to his wife, that's Steve from Blue's Clues, and he's with an escort. And I'm thinking, oh, yeah, that's exactly what this looks like. That's exactly what this looks like. So we sit down to have dinner, and now we're trying to talk to each other. We've got absolutely nothing in common. She's incredibly negative. She hates the restaurant. She picked it. She hates it. It was impossible to get a reservation there. She hates the food. She orders a steak and then orders a one at the restaurant. Hates the wine. She's kind of mean, and, like, we've got nothing to talk about. And I'm regretting the whole thing. And this is a terrible, disappointing experience. So I'm just drinking. Just, like, drinking to try to get through this. And the animators in my head are drunk, too, and they're like, what are you doing? Don't mess this up for me. You have to keep going. Don't ruin this. And so it's. It's the end of dinner. And she's like, I. Well, I want to see your place. And I did it. I was like, oh, okay. Okay. Yes. Yes. I've shut down enough parts of my brain now that I can do this. So we get back to my place, and I've got that big red chair from the show in my house. They gave it to me on my birthday. It's awesome. And it happens to be in my house. She's like, oh, sit in the chair. Let me take some pictures. And I was like, no, I don't want to sit in a chair. The chair means different things to me, you know? So I am. So I'm sitting in the chair eventually, and she's like, well, I know what you do. What I actually do, other than model, is I'm a stripper. I'm like, okay, right, okay, that's fine. I'm a kid show host. Everybody's got to do something. And she says, would you mind if I show you what I do? And I'm like, no. Okay, now this is going to be cool, you know, because like this, you know, 14 year old Steve, this is great to him, this is like, fantastic. I can. This is exciting. So, all right, fine. And I think, my God, you know, I'm going to see my first fake boobs. That's going to be wonderful. And it wasn't at all. It was terrible and weird and they looked like boobs that were designed by Dr. Seuss or something. I'm sure that there are great ones, but that was just like, so awful and so weird. And she's doing her dance and then she comes up to me and I'm in the chair and she's like, sing that song about the male. And I said, no, I'm not gonna sing this song. And she starts getting very demand. She's like, no, come on, sing it, sing it. I'm like, no. And it's very clear to me that it's an ultimatum with her, right? She's saying, sing that song about the mail or this is over. And at that moment, even the nerds in my head said, walk away, man. Just. Just walk away, man. There's. There's, there's no winning here. No one's gonna win, you know, just. Just walk away. But I was wasted at this point. She's drunk, so I can't get her home, so she has to stay. And it's terrible and it's awkward. And I drive her back the next morning and I'm dropping her off and she says, my mother wants to meet you. Like, you live with your mom. You're like, so she lives with her mom. And her mom comes, she's like, you know, you must be Steve. Have a cup of coffee. And I'm sitting there in their living room, and her mom's got a manila folder, and she opens it and she starts handing me crayon drawings. And it turns out that much of this was an elaborate plot to pitch me a children's television show about giant inflatable balloon animals called the Balloonies. And it was just awful. And all I wanted to do was go home, but I couldn't because I had to drive from there to the airport. I was doing a Make a Wish event that. That. That afternoon. Now, I had done a lot of work with Make a Wish before. I don't usually talk about something I don't usually talk about, but for those of you who don't know what it is, it's for very unhappy or often dying children, they get to choose one thing, right? And this organization makes that wish happen. Now, I got to do a lot of those. And the thing that is always striking about it is no matter how awful the circumstances are for the kid, no matter what they're going through, they immediately see this as an opportunity to make their parents happy. Yeah. And this was another one just like that. And this, this is complicated for me because I also am aware that this child chose me. Right? Like me. That's what they want, Right? And I'm not sure what me is me. Am I Steve Burns? Am I Steve with the shirt? Who's me? I don't know which one it is, Right. So it's really complicated. But that helped me realize that whether I wanted it to be true or not, whether I expected it to be true or not, the answer was both. And that was plenty cool enough for me. Thank you.
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Steve Burns is best known for playing the character named Steve on Nickelodeon's Blues Clues from 1996 to 2002. Since then, he has released a rock record for Grown Ups that received pretty good reviews. He's toured with the Flaming Lips, he has made an album of music for children, and he appears in strange plays mostly in Brooklyn. By the way, the Moth is coming to New Orleans in October. Tickets go on sale today for our show called A More Perfect Stories of Prejudice and Power. That's part of our collaboration with USA Network and their Characters Unite campaign to combat all forms of discrimination. You can buy Tickets now@smartticks.com Hey, podcast listeners in Georgia, here's one for you. Moth founder George Dawes Green has a new project called the Unchained Tool and we want to wish him well and we'd like to encourage you to check out events on that tour. Beginning October 11, he'll be touring independently owned bookstores in Georgia, giving performances with a band of fiddlers, circus performers and a few people you might recognize from the Moth, including me. I'll join him and tell some stories and do some talking. Also, Edgar Oliver will be there, Juliet Hope Wayne and Wanda Bullard. We're all traveling with George in a refurbished Bluebird school bus that he bought and gutted and totally redid for this tour. For more information and tickets, visit theunchainedtour.org the moth is a non profit organization. Consider supporting our free podcast by going to our podcast contribution page or by becoming a Moth member at the Moth.
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Our podcast host, Dan Kennedy, is the author of the book Rock on An Office Power Ballad. Learn more@rockonthebook.com thanks to all of you.
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For listening and we hope you have a story worthy week. Podcast audio production by Paul Ruest at the Argo Studios in New York Podcast hosted by PRX Public Radio Exchange helping make public radio more public. @prx.org there.