Dan Kennedy (0:00)

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Steve Osborne (2:09)

Welcome to the Moth podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. We're bringing you an extra story this week by one of our favorite stories storytellers, Steve Osborne. He told this story at the Moth about a year ago. The theme of the night was moth eaten Food Adventures of epic Portions. Here's Steve's story.

Steve Osborne (2:33)

How you doing? My name's Steve Osborne. I was a New York city cop for 20 years. Now a few years back I was working on this case and as cases go, this thing was pretty big. There was a housing project up in Harlem and these three drug crews had kind of like taken over the Neighborhood and they were dealing crack and they were mostly bloods, and they were terrorizing the whole neighborhood. So the squad up there, they had attributed four unsolved homicides, six non fatal shootings, a bunch of robberies, a bunch of stabbings, all to these guys, you know, beefing with each other, beefing with whoever. You know, they were just bad guys, couldn't get along with anybody. So they asked us to get involved. And I had a very talented group of detectives that worked for me, and I had some really good undercovers. So we started this case and we started to buy into these guys. And what that means is we send the undercovers in and they started buying crack off of these guys. You start out with small amounts, then you buy more and more, and next thing you know, we were buying coke off of these guys. And before the case was over, we were buying guns off them. The case lasted for almost a year. And we identified 52 subjects. And 52 is a nice number as cases go. That's a lot of subjects. And I love a case like this because there's nothing, there's no better feeling than going out and locking up like 52 really hardcore shitheads. You know, you take them off the street and it really makes a big impact in a neighborhood. You go back the next day and it's like all of a sudden people are coming out of their houses, they're hanging out, you know, they stay out late. You know, they're not afraid of getting caught in a crossfire and getting shot. So you really get to see like, you know, the good work that you do. So this case had gone on for almost a year, and cases, they kind of reach a natural conclusion. You've gone about as far as you can go and you gotta take it down. And taking it down means you go out and you lock everybody up. So I had picked this Tuesday for takedown day. So I get up that morning and take down day. What we do on takedown day is we go out and on this one, we were gonna do 17 search warrants all at the same time. Now you've seen on tv, you see, you know, cops doing search warrants that come screeching up in front of your house. They come bailing out with a battering ram, and they knock your door down. And we come in yelling and screaming, you know, police, don' Move. Get down, get down. Next thing you know, the bad guy's face down on the ground. You know, he's handcuffed. Looks like fun, right? Well, it really is. I love this Stuff, I mean, I could do it all day long, I swear, you know, it's more exciting than a roller coaster. So I get up that morning on takedown day and I was tired. I hadn't slept much in the last couple of days. There was a lot of loose ends we were tying up. We were doing late night surveillance. You know, we were bedding these guys down. We wanted to know exactly where they were going to be. So I jump in the shower and I get out. Now, I had already briefed the chief on this and he loved the case, he thought it was great. And he had told me, have a nice suit ready if this thing goes good. We're going to do a press conference tonight and I want you and a couple of guys over at the podium with me. So this was gonna be like a really huge day for me, like one of the biggest days in my career. So I'm getting dressed and I turn on the tv and as I'm getting dressed, you know, I put on cnn and all of a sudden they switched to a live shot of the World Trade center and there's smoke coming out of it. Now, my wife, she's a Manhattan girl, you know, she grew up not too far from here. You know, she grew up in a village and she was in the other room. So I called her over, I said, come here, come here, check this out. I said this saying that a plane flew into the Trade Center. So the two of us are standing there and we're watching it and all of a sudden, pow. The second plane hit. Well, she let out this scream. I'll never forget it as long as I live. It went right through me. And I reached out and I grabbed her and I grabbed her in a bear hug and I pulled her next to me and I held onto her as tight as I could. And I'm telling her like, it's okay, it's okay. Relax, relax, it's gonna be all right. And she's like screaming and crying into my chest. And as I'm holding her, I'm watching the TV and I realized that nothing's alright. Nothing's ever gonna be all right. And as I'm holding her and I'm trying to comfort her, I could feel it. I could feel it start to happen. I'm drifting away. It's like I'm not in that bedroom anymore. Not a husband anymore. I'm a cop. And all I could think about was, I got to get to work, I got to get my guys and I got to get downtown. So I kind of like, peeled her off of me. And I told her and I says, look, I gotta go. And she looked up at me and she screamed and she goes, no, don't you dare leave me now. Everybody knows that being a cops, a tough job, you know, that's kind of like a given. But sometimes being a cop's wife, it's just as tough. And every other. Every other normal woman who had a normal husband, their husband was racing home to take care of them, where I was getting ready to race out the door and leave her. And everybody asked me, you know, like, how do you do that? You know, how do you do the things you do and how do you see the things you see? And the way we do it is you learn very early how to shut it down. You learn how to turn off your feelings and you learn how to be professional. You learn how to do your job. And that's what I was doing. You know, like, you respond to a homicide and you see some dead guy in the street, or you see some dead kid in the street, you shut down your feelings. You shut down your emotions. Everybody thinks that, like, we build a wall between us and the public. That's not necessarily true. What we learn to do is to build a wall between ourselves and our feelings. And that's how you stay focused, that's how you stay professional, and that's how you do your job. So I grabbed her by the face and I held her face in my hands. And I remember my hands being soaking wet with tears. And I kind of looked down, I looked into her eyes and I told her, I says, you know, I gotta go, right? And she just looked up at me and she nodded her head, yeah, she knew. She knew I had to go. She knew. She knew I had a job to do. She had been with me for a long time, and she put up with my crap for many years. You know, getting phone calls in the middle of the night. And then I'm out chasing who knows what for a couple days at a time. So she knew I had to go. So I reached down and I grabbed her by the hand and I told her, I said, come on, walk me out the door. So the two of us go downstairs, and I gave her a quick kiss, and I'm heading out the door, and all of a sudden she yells, wait. And I turned around, I'm like, what? And she looks at me and she was crying and she was shaking, she was like trembling. And she said to me, I want to make you a sandwich. So I told her, I says, I'm not hungry. And she says, I'll wrap it up. You could take it with you. And we both knew it had nothing to do with the sandwich. She was just trying to hold on to me for, like. For, like, a few more minutes. And I knew. I knew that eating, like, the physical act of eating, like putting food in your mouth, makes you feel like a human being. And I had no time for that. I had no time to be a husband. I had no time to be a human being. I was in that cop mode, you know? All I could think about was, I got to go to work, I got to get my guys, and I got to get downtown. And I think that if I saw her making me that sandwich in the kitchen, it just would have made it maybe impossible for me to leave her. So I turned around, I walked out the door, and I left her there. Next thing I know, I'm flying down the highway. I got the red light on the dashboard, red lights flashing. I got the police radio on. First Division. First Division's going nuts. I'm listening to 1010 WINS, and they're saying his plane's unaccounted for. I'm on the cell phone with my guys in the office, and I'm telling them I'm going to be there in a couple of minutes. I want all the cars gassed up. Clean out the equipment lockers. Get the sledgehammers, Kelly tools, pry bars, flashlights, radios, extra batteries. You know, anything you think we might need. We're going to be gone for a couple days. Just grab it all and throw it in the cars. Now, my office is in Harlem, and I take the George Washington Bridge and I get to the GW and it's closed. They had closed the George Washington Bridge. They shut down the city. I'd never seen anything like this. The cops had put up a barricade. So I come screeching up, and there's a cop standing there. I take out my shield and I tend him. I'm like, yo, brother, I'm on the job, man. I gotta get to work. And he's like, go, go, go, go. Around the barriers. So I whip it around the barriers, and next thing I know, I'm on the bridge. And as I'm crossing the bridge, it dawned on me. It was really eerie. It was kind of strange, you know. One or two cars had passed me going the other way, and they were gone all of a sudden. At that moment, I was the only guy on the George Washington Bridge. So I stopped the car and I just kind of I looked downtown, I looked down the river, and I saw the smoke pouring out of the Trade Center. And I knew. I knew I was going to be there in a little while. And then all of a sudden, it dawned on me that when I woke up this morning, I knew this was going to be a really big day. It was going to be the biggest day of my career. I just had no idea that it was going to be like that. So I hit the gas, I take off, I get to the office, I get all the guys together, and I got like 40, 50 guys with me. You know, we all jump into cars, like seven or eight cars, and we're caravaning down the west side highway, lights and sirens. And as we're getting closer, you know, you could see the smoke rising. And you might wonder, like, you know, what are you feeling then? What are you thinking? And the answer is, you don't feel nothing. The only thing I could think about was those 40 or 50 guys behind me. And I got to keep them safe. I can't let nothing happen to them. And all I could think about was where we were going to go and what we were going to do. And the thing is, like, the bigger the crisis, the bigger the disaster, the more you better keep your head screwed on straight. And that's how you stay safe, and that's how you do your job. So we made it downtown and we did our job, you know, no more, no less than anybody else, but we did our job. And you might find this hard to believe, but the first couple of days, I don't remember much. It's kind of like a blur to me. But I remember we were about two days into it, and I was tired. I hadn't slept in days. I was hungry. I was kind of kicking myself. I didn't take that sandwich, and I was dirty. I had that dust all over me. And one of my guys comes up to me and he goes, hey, McDonald's set up a tent a couple blocks from here, and they're giving away free food. So two of my favorite words are free and food. So I get the guys together, I says, come on, let's go get something to eat. So we go over there, and McDonald's had set up this, like, a canopy, and it had tables under there, and it had bags of food all ready for you, like a burger and fries and a soda. And I remember waiting online, and I remember feeling, like, really touched, Like I couldn't believe that somebody came down here to feed me, that somebody thought that we would be hungry. And Was considerate enough to come down here and bring me some food. And it really touched me, like deep inside. So I go over, I grab the bag of food and we're out in the middle of the street. There's no place to sit. So I sit on a curb and I'm sitting there and I'm munching on a burger and I'm munching on the fries. And it's not like it was a steak dinner or anything like that, it was a happy meal. But it tasted pretty damn good, I'm telling you. And as I'm sitting there eating, I look in the bag and in the bottom of the bag there was a folded up piece of paper. You know, it's kind of like construction paper, you know, the kind that kids draw on. And I reached in and I opened it up and it was like a homemade drawing done by like a five year old kid, done in crayon. And the kid had drawn these like two tall buildings with these squiggly lines coming out and the Trade center with smoke. And next to it he drew these two stick figures. And one had a fireman's hat and the other one had a policeman's hat. And underneath he wrote. You know how kids write. You know, letters start out real big and then they get smaller as they go along. And the kid wrote, you're my hero. Thank you. And he signed it. And it's 10 years later, I still remember this kid's name, Alex. And all of a sudden I started getting like. I started getting choked up. I started getting emotional and I couldn't. I wanted to stop it, but I couldn't. I couldn't stop it. And next thing I know, I got like a couple of tears in my eyes. And I'm sitting there and I'm covering up, you know, I'm like this. I don't want the other guys to see me. And the last. And it was like the last couple of days, I felt nothing. Out of all the things that we saw and all the things that we did, I didn't allow myself to feel anything. I was like numb inside. It was like I was made out of stone. And that's how I was able to just concentrate and do what I had to do. And as I'm sitting there, I couldn't believe it. You know, it was a Happy meal and a homemade card written by some like 5 year old kid that I never met. Thun and crayon that was making me start to feel something again that kind of like broke through that wall and made me start to feel and made me start to feel like a human being again. Thank you very.