Podcast Summary: The Moth – "Susan Duncan: Finding Esther"

Introduction

In the episode titled "Finding Esther," featured on The Moth podcast released on May 11, 2009, storyteller Susan Duncan delves deep into her complex and evolving relationship with her mother. Hosted by Andy Borowitz, this poignant narrative explores themes of familial duty, personal boundaries, and the eventual reconciliation that comes with understanding and respect. Recorded live at the Perth International Arts Festival in Australia, Susan's story falls under the theme "When Worlds Collide," aptly capturing the tumultuous interactions between mother and daughter.

Standing Up to Her Mother

Susan begins her story by recounting a particularly challenging Christmas when she reached a breaking point in her relationship with her mother. At 49 years old, after undergoing a breast removal surgery and facing a personal breakup, Susan confronts her mother:

“I told her this. She knew about the breast, but she never knew about the lover because he was fairly inappropriate. And she looked at me and she said, 'Well, men don't like mutilation.'”
—Susan Duncan [03:15]

This dismissive comment enrages Susan, leading her to declare, “This is the last time you'll be spending Christmas under my roof” ([04:10]). This marks the first time she firmly sets boundaries, a significant moment in her long-standing struggle to assert herself against her mother's domineering presence.

Moving to a Tranquil Home

Following this confrontation, Susan relocates to a serene home on the edge of Pittwater, seeking peace and solitude. However, Christmas approaches again, and despite her efforts to maintain distance, she cannot completely exclude her mother from her life. Susan manages to restrict her mother's stays to lunches, booking her into a nearby hotel instead:

“I said, 'You're not staying with me. You can come, but you're not staying.' So I booked her into a hotel nearby.”
—Susan Duncan [07:30]

The arrangement seems to work temporarily, but it’s clear that Susan's mother is not easily deterred. When Susan goes to collect her mother from the hotel after several days, she is met with a financial surprise:

“She handed me a piece of paper and I opened it up and it was the bill... She cleaned out the minibar every night for three nights.”
—Susan Duncan [09:45]

Her mother's ruthless nature becomes evident, but so does Susan's begrudging respect for her resilience.

Discovering Her Mother’s Awareness

As time passes, Susan notices her mother's increasing physical frailty, with multiple falls leading her to reconsider their relationship dynamics. One significant revelation comes when Susan discovers that her mother has been intimately aware of her life through the many magazines lining her cupboards:

“So I said, 'Esther, the house was filled with magazines, all my stories.' She said, 'People gave them to me because they saw your name in them.'”
—Susan Duncan [16:50]

This moment underscores the unseen connections and the silent influence her mother had over her life, even when it seemed strained.

Writing a Memoir and Breaking Through

Determined to bridge the gap, Susan writes a memoir that includes significant aspects of her relationship with her mother. During an Easter visit, a breakthrough occurs:

“She said, 'Susan, I have secrets, too.' And it was this moment where I thought, I think I'm finally going.’”
—Susan Duncan [22:05]

Sitting at her mother's knee, Susan witnesses a side of her mother she had never fully appreciated—her vulnerabilities and hidden past. This intimate moment allows Susan and her mother to begin rebuilding their relationship based on understanding and mutual respect.

Mother’s Final Days and Ultimate Reconciliation

Tragedy strikes when Susan's mother suffers a heart attack the following Christmas and is hospitalized. Visiting her in intensive care, Susan confronts the mortality and the deep-seated regrets of their strained relationship:

“All those stupid little things that I'd hung onto because children are far less forgiving of their parents than their parents are of children. Stupid. What was it all about? Pride and ego. Ridiculous.”
—Susan Duncan [30:55]

In the final moments, as her mother undergoes surgery, Susan experiences a profound realization of love over pride:

“And then she laughed and said, 'I think I can stretch it to 15.' And then that glint just got even brighter and she went, 'I win. Thank you.'”
—Susan Duncan [32:30]

This exchange symbolizes the ultimate reconciliation, highlighting the enduring bond between mother and daughter despite years of conflict.

Conclusion

"Susan Duncan: Finding Esther" is a heartfelt exploration of familial relationships, personal growth, and the power of vulnerability. Susan's journey from estrangement to understanding offers listeners a deeply relatable and moving narrative about the complexities of loving and standing up to a parent. Through candid storytelling and emotional depth, Susan illustrates that even the most challenging relationships can find paths to healing and respect.

Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Standing Up:
  “This is the last time you'll be spending Christmas under my roof.”
  —Susan Duncan [04:10]

• Financial Realization:
  “How much whiskey can a woman drink? Medicinal.”
  —Susan Duncan [10:30]

• Discovering Awareness:
  “People gave them to me because they saw your name in them.”
  —Susan Duncan [16:50]

• Breaking Through:
  “She said, 'Susan, I have secrets, too.'”
  —Susan Duncan [22:05]

• Final Reconciliation:
  “I think I can stretch it to 15... I win. Thank you.”
  —Susan Duncan [32:30]

Final Thoughts

Susan Duncan’s "Finding Esther" is a testament to the enduring complexities of family ties and the journey toward mutual understanding. Her eloquent storytelling not only engages listeners emotionally but also offers profound insights into overcoming personal and relational struggles.