The Moth Podcast: A Family Circus

Summary

The Moth Podcast: A Family Circus – Detailed Summary

Introduction

In the October 11, 2024 episode of The Moth Podcast, titled "A Family Circus", host Kate Tellers delves into the intricate and often overwhelming journey of parenthood. Drawing from personal experiences and compelling storytelling, the episode presents two heartfelt narratives that explore the joys and challenges of raising children. This summary captures the essence of the episode, highlighting key discussions, insights, and memorable quotes from the storytellers.

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Take Your Child to Work Day: A Prelude to Parenthood

Kate Tellers begins the episode by sharing a delightful anecdote from The Moth’s own Take Your Child to Work Day. She recounts organizing the event where seven children, including her two young ones, participated in a behind-the-scenes look at podcast production. Activities included attending a casting meeting, enjoying pizza, and learning about podcasting fundamentals. Kate humorously notes her tendency to take charge, acknowledging her podcast producer Mark’s crucial yet often invisible role. This segment underscores the everyday mayhem of parenting and sets the stage for the episode's central theme: the multifaceted experience of raising a family.

Mary Lee Carroll’s Story: The Weight of a Big Family

The first story features Mary Lee Carroll, a grandmother, writer, and storyteller, who shares her reflections on growing up in a large family. Mary recounts her childhood in a bustling household with nine siblings. Her mother maintained friendships exclusively with other mothers who also had large families, forming a tight-knit group known as the "can cutters." These women bonded over shared responsibilities, such as preparing crafts for school events and managing extensive family duties.

Mary Lee Carroll shares a pivotal moment of overwhelm:

“I was at home with two small children, like a baby and a toddler. I was so overwhelmed and so out of my depth and so disorganized that I thought, how did they do it?” (03:30)

Mary describes the chaos of balancing parenting tasks, illustrated by humorous yet stressful incidents like arriving home with groceries on the car roof due to a tantrum in the store. Feeling inadequate and desperate for guidance, Mary reaches out to Dorothy, the last surviving member of her mother’s friend group. In a profound conversation, Dorothy imparts wisdom that challenges Mary’s expectations:

“If I couldn't get my 5 o'clock cocktail, it was like one of those kids was going to die. It’s got to be something besides that.” (08:28)

Despite seeking solutions, Mary candidly accepts that there are no easy answers to managing a large family. Her children eventually grow up and move away, leaving her to reflect on the enduring chaos and the deep bonds formed through shared parenting struggles.

Kate’s Insight: The Power of Text Threads in Parenting

After Mary’s story, Kate highlights the significance of digital communication among parents. She emphasizes how text threads serve as vital tools for sharing real-life parenting dilemmas and seeking advice from a supportive community. Kate humorously lists common issues discussed in these threads, from locking children in the bathroom to navigating school mishaps, illustrating the universal challenges parents face.

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PT Smith’s Story: Embracing Fatherhood Beyond Rules

The second narrative comes from PT Smith, a dedicated community member from Denver who shares his journey into fatherhood. PT reflects on his upbringing in the Five Points neighborhood, a community with its own set of unwritten rules and expectations. Despite feeling secure in his environment, PT harbors deep-seated fears about becoming a father, largely stemming from an inconsistent relationship with his own father.

PT Smith expresses his initial apprehensions:

“I wasn't fearful of any hoods. Well, except for one. See, there's only one hood that struck fear in my heart, made me feel despair, made me feel sadness, inadequacy. And that hood was fatherhood.” (10:00)

Determined to prepare for his impending fatherhood, PT seeks advice from local sources like barbershops but finds the guidance unhelpful and often contradictory. His quest leads him to various parenting books, including "Gentle Parenting for Dads," which he finds mismatched with his upbringing.

The turning point in PT’s story occurs during the birth of his son. Faced with the immediate crisis of his newborn’s breathing difficulty, PT experiences intense fear and helplessness:

“I'm praying as hard as I've ever prayed in my entire life. I'm like, Lord, I will do anything. If this kid needs my heart, he can have my heart.” (16:30)

Fortunately, his son’s condition stabilizes, allowing PT to hold him for the first time. This profound moment leads PT to a simple yet powerful realization:

“Fatherhood doesn't need to come with rules. It actually only needs to come with one thing, and that's love.” (17:00)

PT’s story underscores that while societal expectations and personal fears can complicate the journey of fatherhood, the foundational element of love remains paramount.

Kate’s Closing Reflections

In wrapping up the episode, Kate Tellers reflects on the shared experiences of parents, whether navigating the chaos of a large family or embracing the uncertainties of fatherhood. She extends appreciation to the storytellers and The Moth’s production team, highlighting the community’s role in making such heartfelt narratives possible. Kate encourages listeners to find beauty in the "circus" of life, regardless of their parenting paths.

Notable Quotes

• Mary Lee Carroll: “I was so overwhelmed and so out of my depth and so disorganized that I thought, how did they do it?” (03:30)
• Mary Lee Carroll: “If I couldn't get my 5 o'clock cocktail, it was like one of those kids was going to die.” (08:28)
• PT Smith: “I'm not even sure I wanted to be a dad because I didn't know if I could do it.” (16:00)
• PT Smith: “Fatherhood doesn't need to come with rules. It actually only needs to come with one thing, and that's love.” (17:00)

Conclusion

"A Family Circus" offers a poignant exploration of parenthood through the lens of two distinct yet relatable stories. Mary Lee Carroll and PT Smith provide candid insights into the struggles and triumphs of raising children, emphasizing the universal need for support, love, and community. Kate Tellers masterfully weaves these narratives, creating an engaging and thought-provoking episode that resonates with listeners, whether they are parents or not. Through humor, vulnerability, and wisdom, the episode highlights that amidst the chaos of family life, the connections we form and the love we share are what truly sustain us.

Transcript

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[Kate Tellers]

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[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Want to hear something fun?

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

Yeah, do you want to hear something fun?

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

So when I'm testing the equipment, the.

[Unnamed Speaker 3]

Question I always ask every single time.

[Kate Tellers]

Is what did you have for breakfast? So what did you have for breakfast?

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

Muffins.

[Unnamed Speaker 3]

Oh, muffins.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

What flavor were they?

[Kate Tellers]

Banana chocolate chips.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

Banana chocolate too.

[Unnamed Speaker 3]

That sounds really, really good. I wish I had banana chocolate chip.

[Kate Tellers]

Muffins for my welcome to the Moth podcast. I'm Kate Tellers, your host for this episode. A little bit ago, we had a take your child to work day here at the Moth. There were about seven children in total, including my two little ones, and I had a lot of fun planning. I even made tiny lanyards for them. They sat in on a casting meeting, got pizza, and the kids learned a little bit about the intricacies of podcast making.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I learned.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

About podcasts and that the thingy, the circle thingy, is there so that the P words like peter don't sound weird.

[Kate Tellers]

Overall, it included lots of the delightful mayhem that is parenting. As I said during Take youe Child to Work day, just for anyone that's contemplating being a parent. Sorry, Anna, just noticed that I sort of took the lead on every part of today except for the Podcasting part. And that's all that anyone remembers. Sometimes the role of being a parent is less visible. Kudos to Mark, our podcast producer on an amazing workshop. What a truly fun day. So on this episode, we've got two stories about the somewhat overwhelming side of being a parent. The Family Circus, if you will. First up, we have Mary Lee Carroll. She told this at an LA Story Slam where the theme of the night was Juggle. Here's Mary live at the mall.

[Unnamed Speaker 3]

I have nine brothers and sisters, and when I was really little, my mother would not make friends with any other lady unless she had at least six, seven kids because she didn't want to know anybody who had free time. So that's how come her circle of girlfriends. And There were only six of them, but between them they had 50 kids. So these ladies love to have lunch together on Friday afternoons. And I would love it when they would meet at our house because I would kind of watch from the other room and they would laugh and drink sherry and smoke their cigarettes and eat delicious food and they would make all these ridiculous crafts for the Christmas bazaar at school, like, you know, spray painted macaroni for ornaments. And they would really make years and years worth of wreaths out of twisted tin can lids. And they made so many of these wreaths that they called themselves the can cutters. And the can cutters met for years and years. And I, in my innocence, thought it must be really fun to be the mother to a lot of children. So 25 years later, I leave the work field and I am at home with two small children, like a baby and a toddler. And I am so overwhelmed and so out of my depth and so disorganized that I thought, how did they do it? And I was doing all kinds of ridiculous things. Like if I drove the car home, by the time I unloaded the car and unloaded the babies, I'd be too exhausted to go back out and close the doors to the cars. And the car would just sit there with the doors open all day long. Or. Or I'd have to move the dirty dishes out of the way for a place to eat tonight's dinner. Or one time I even drove home from the supermarket with a whole bag of groceries on the roof of my car because I had been too stressed out trying to get the babies into the car after one of them had a giant tantrum in the store. So loud, kicking, screaming, and I'm sweating and embarrassed and all these old ladies gathered around me to watch me deal with this and say things like, children are such a blessing. And an obstinate child is a sign of intelligence. And, you know, they grow up so fast. Don't blink. You'll miss something. And I've got. It's like, oh, come on. All I could see was 18 more years of this. And so I knew I needed help, and I knew I needed some wisdom. Like, how did my mom and all of her can cutter friends do it? The way they would laugh. They would shriek with laughter like, you're killing me. And I think, where I thought, how did they do it? And I thought, well, of course all the can cutters were dead. And now I know why. They all went to early graves. But one of them. One of them was still alive. Her name was Dorothy. And I thought, I just need some advice. I need somebody to tell me how to do this better. And so Dorothy had had nine children. She's really old now. And I called her and I said, can I come talk to you? And she said, of course, dear, come over. And I thought. I was so excited to talk to Dorothy. I thought, she is going to give me the secret to how to get on top of my situation here. And so she welcomed me in. We settled ourselves with a cup of tea. I was very excited because I was at the foot of a master, since she wasn't my own mother, but she was master. I said, dorothy, how did you guys all cope with so many children? And she said, well, you know, we had each other. And I said, oh, no, I know, I know you had each other. And she says, no, that's more than it seems. And I said, I know, but you didn't have disposable diapers. You didn't have housekeepers, you didn't have preschools. And I said, how did you actually get it? She says, well, we had each other. And I said, dorothy, I need more than that. And she looked, like, far off, like her eyes went back over the years. And then I thought, okay. And then she leaned in next to me. I thought, okay, here it comes.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

Good.

[Unnamed Speaker 3]

Okay, good. So I leaned in, too. And then she took her old no nonsense finger and she pointed it at me like this. She says, that 5 o'clock cocktail. If I couldn't get my 5 o'clock cocktail, it was like one of those kids was going to die. Dorothy, no. It's got to be something besides that. And she says, no. And so, going home, going home. I thought, oh, my God, there is no secret here. There's just me and 20 years of chaos. What am I going to do. And then the best advice from the wisest old woman I know was like, get some friends and get some gin. And so and so. But I will tell you what actually happened to me was that, I don't know, I must have blinked because suddenly like they were in school and then suddenly they all had their driver's licenses and then suddenly one lives in San Francisco, one lives in New York, and one has babies of her own. So that.

[Kate Tellers]

That was Mary Lee Carroll. Mary is a grandmother, a writer, and a storyteller. She calls herself a world traveler, but has never lived further than a mile from where she was born. Her latest book, across the street, around the Corner, just came out and she is an award winning author of two previous books I want to take a minute to shout out to the vital parenting tool that is the text thread. Since having children, I've become a part of several my friends who I knew before they were parents, my friends that I made because we are parents, my sister who I text about literally anything. This is the place where we can ask the important questions. These are real. Like, help, I locked my children in the bathroom. Who is hosting Thanksgiving, but what are we going to do about the patriarchy and help? The school just called to tell me my child stuck a pencil in her butt. And so on. Up next is PT Smith. He told this at a Denver Story Slam where the theme of the night was blessings in disguise. Here's PT live at the mosque.

[Unnamed Speaker 1]

I was born at St. Joseph Hospital, Denver, Colorado, the East side. I was raised in Five Points and I love my neighborhood. See, in the 90s, it was kind of crazy. The news and different people made it seem like it was a dangerous and harsh place to live. And don't get me wrong, there were extracurricular activities, but it was home for me and I felt safe. I felt known. See, the reality is, in my hood I knew the rules. And every hood comes with rules. Like for instance, mind your business. If you hear a noise in a dark alley that is between that noise and that dark alley. Another rule that maybe you're not familiar with is you should be aware of what colors you're wearing and where you're at. Now, you may need a hood specialist help on this one, so you should maybe acquire one to help you out with, like your color palettes. Okay? Know that black is always a good choice. My favorite rule, super random, super specific, is if someone comes up to you and says, hey, that's a nice pair of shoes. What size are they? The only acceptable response is yo size homie I'm just playing. Don't do that. You see, in a hood, if you know the rules in general, you're going to be okay. And so I wasn't fearful of any hoods. Well, except for one. See, there's only one hood that struck fear in my heart, made me feel despair, made me feel sadness, inadequacy. And that hood was fatherhood. See, yeah, I grew up knowing my dad, but not always being raised by my dad. And so I was super uncertain and insecure when it came to this idea of fatherhood. And most of the kids in my community experience, or at least a lot, experienced the same thing. And so when my wife told me she was pregnant with our first child, at first I had the same emotions that any new parent is going to have. I was excited, man. I was feeling the good nervousness. I'm thinking, I'm going to raise the hell out of this child. Okay? You know what I'm saying? But shortly after that, those feelings started to fade and other ones came in. What do you think you're about to do? This idea, this reoccurring dream, and thought that you're gonna fail this child because you don't know what to do. So I decided to do some research to figure this thing out. And I started with the local community, right? So at the barbershop, I was asking some folks that I knew had kids. I'm like, hey, man, what's the rules? Like, tell me about this whole fatherhood thing. And I got some of the stupidest answers I've ever heard. Okay. All right, you ready? Here's the soup. All right. One was, don't let your son get both ears pierced. I was like. Another one was, if you have a girl, you should invest in a lot of guns. And I was like, these are not helpful. So I was like, I'm gonna go to the experts, right? I'm gonna read some books on parenthood. I'm gonna read some books. And so the first book I tried to read was Gentle Parenting for Dads. And I'm not hating on gentle parenting, but I was not parented gently, so it really didn't match up. So I was like, all right, look, I'm running out of options. This kid is going to be here real soon. What am I going to do? And I can remember the day that we went to the hospital with my wife. She was going into labor, and I thought, hey, labor could take a while. And so maybe they have, like, a class here that they give to dads because they're not going to just give you a kid, right? Turns out, if they did, I would have missed it anyway because my wife's labor was actually really quick. Actually so quick that when the doctor got in the room, he had time to take off his coat, wash his hands, scrubs, gloves, and then he, like, one hand caught my son as he was being born, which made. I'm like, man, you should. You might play on Sundays. And it was really amazing. It all happened really fast. And then, like, time kind of slowed down, and I seen he's, like, making this, like, twisted face as he's looking at my son, and he looks at the nurse, and he's like, you need to get this kid to icu. He's not breathing well. And y'all, time stopped. And my heart froze because I wasn't even sure I wanted to be a dad, because I didn't know if I could do it. I didn't know the rules. Even being in that room, I felt nervous. I didn't know what was going on. And so they swaddle my son, and they put him in this little glass case on wheels, and they roll him out. And I look at my wife, and she looks at me, like, go after them. And so I'm running behind the nurse, y'all, and I'm praying. I'm praying as hard as I've ever prayed in my entire life. I'm like, lord, I will do anything. If this kid needs my heart, he can have my heart. If he needs my eyes, he can take my eyes. I will do anything. Just let him be okay. And we get into the ICU room, and it turns out that my son just has a flair for the dramatics because he was breathing fine. And so they swaddle him back up again, and they let me hold him for the first time, and I'm looking in his eyes, y'all, and I realize that fatherhood doesn't need to come with rules. It actually only needs to come with one thing, and that's love. Thank you.

[Kate Tellers]

That was P.T. smith. P.T. is a proud product of the hood he grew up in and now serves the youth and young adults in his community. He is most proud of being able to have an amazing marriage for the last nine years and being the father of Pierre, 7, and Ms. Parker, 3. Before I leave, you remember how the kids at the mosque Take youe Child to Work Day were learning about podcasts. Well, stick around for the credits. You might hear some fun new voices reading them. That's it for this episode from all of us here at the Moth. However you parent or do not parent, we hope that you can find beauty in life's circus.

[Unnamed Speaker 2]

Kate Tellers is a Storyteller host, Senior Director at the Moth and co author of their fourth book, how to Tell Her Story. Her author writing has been featured on McSweeney's and the new Yorker. She is also our mom. This episode of the Moth Podcast was produced by Sarah Austin, Janess, Sarah Jane Johnson, that's my mom, and Mark Salinger. The rest of the Moth's leadership team includes Sarah Haberman, Christina Norman, Jennifer Hickson, Meg Bowles, Kate Tellers, Marina Cluce, Suzanne Rust, Brandon Grant Walker, Leanne Gulley, and Aldi Koza. Samas would like to thank its supporters and listeners. Stories like these are made possibly by community giving. If you're not already a member, Please consider becoming one or making a one time donation today at the Moth.org GiveBack. All Moth stories are true, as remembered by their storytellers. For more about our podcast and information on pitching your own story and everything else, go to our website themoth.org the Moth podcast is presented by PRX, the public radio exchange helping make public radio more public at prx.

[Kate Tellers]

Org.