Transcript
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Jennifer Hickson (1:20)
From PRX, this is the Moth Radio Hour. Hi, I'm Jennifer Hickson. This hour we'll be meeting all different kinds of families. Suburban, non traditional, rural, foster, and even prison family. Our first story is from a writer, actress, activist, and mom in rural New Jersey, Gina Sampaio. Gina's working on a book called the Tree Climbers Guide to Being a Badass, and I really can't wait to read it. Until then, here's Gina.
Gina Sampaio (1:51)
I first started taking care of other people's children when I was actually still just a child myself. So that meant people were paying me basically to play. And that was really awesome. But it also meant that I was getting a ton of childcare experience and that by the time I was 16, I probably could make macaroni and cheese with my eyes shut or change a diaper with one hand tied behind my back, which I only probably ever would have had to do with those very naughty Nicholson boys. But their mother knew they were a handful. She was paying $10 an hour in 1988. So I kind of thought that all of my child care experience was going to teach me everything that I needed to know about parenting my own children. And my husband and I, we had a daughter and then a son, and then we decided to become foster parents with the intention of hopefully being able to adopt one day. And you know how everybody always says you need a license to drive a car, but you don't need one to have a child. That's not true when you become a foster parent. We did have to get a license. And so first we had to take these classes where they asked us really hard hitting questions like, is secondhand smoke good or bad? And do babies actually need car seats? And then we had to do all sorts of other things. Have physicals, done background checks, fingerprinted, have her home inspected, interviews. I mean, the whole thing turned out to be way more complicated than just creating a new human being with my body. And then there are all the questions. What kind of child would we be willing to take? A girl or a boy? What race, what age? Now, I grew up with three sisters, and I already had one boy that I didn't always know how to relate to. But then I heard that boys are actually left behind more in adoption requests. So we said that we preferred a boy, any race. And having survived two infants already, we thought that that pleasure could be afforded to someone else. So anything up to age 4, the age of our biological son at the time. And we got our license in the mail and we settled in for what we thought could be a very long wait. But we got a phone call six weeks later about a baby at the hospital. And I thought, wow, an infant. Doesn't everybody else want an infant? But we said yes. And when we went to the hospital to pick him up, the nurses insisted on pushing me out to the car in a wheelchair, which I thought was very funny. I mean, I didn't suffer any physical distress bringing this kid into the world. And even though I thought it was really funny, though, I realized I was having this same exact, overwhelmingly surreal sensation that I had when I first left the hospital with my first two babies. And that was, there's a new person here. There's this new human being that's so tiny and perfect and amazing, and this hospital staff is going to let us just leave with him, even though they look really competent. And we got him home, and it became obvious right away that there were things that we still needed to learn in spite of years of babysitting and parenting experience and having a license to parent. Like what to do when a young woman comes bouncing up to you and says, you, baby is so cute. Is his daddy black? So I just pretended I couldn't really remember or what to do when a woman taps you on the shoulder at a crowded restaurant and demands to know, where's that baby from? And when told, New Jersey just continues to keep asking, but where before that? But where before that? Until you're finally just forced to say a uterus or what to do when your 4 year old white son comes running up and says we're playing circus and the baby has to be the monkey because he's brown and your African American caseworker is visiting and all you can think to do is that you just want to die on the spot. And so instead you just pretend you didn't hear him and make a strong mental note to talk to him about that later. I don't think they told us anything about transracial adoption in those classes. The most they might have said was something along the lines of, if you are white and have a black child placed with you, please for the love of God, get some help with their skin and hair. And so I turned to my black friends and I asked for help and they helped me. And they also taught me things like that my little black boy was only going to be cute in the eyes of the public for a certain age and then he would somehow overnight be perceived as threatening to the public and that it was going to happen much sooner than I would anticipate. And I listened to them and I learned from them, but I didn't experience any of that harsh reality yet. And our case moved along and we were given the go ahead to adopt him. And I got some paperwork in the mail. It was an adoption subsidy agreement. And next to the name of our adorable, funny, very loved and very wanted son was the reason for the monthly subsidy that he was going to get. And it was checked off. Child is hard to place African American. And I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. And then one day we got a phone call from our caseworker and I wasn't expecting it and I could tell something was up. And I was right, because she said, do you have room for another baby? And we weren't really planning on having any more children, but we loved our little son so much. We loved any sibling of his. And so I said, what is it? And she said, a boy. And so I cried a little when I said ok, and then I said, I guess I better call my husband and ask him real quick though. So then we were up to four children, one girl and three boys, and I was pretty sure that I was done with babies. But then I went to a baby shower and the new mom was opening up all these tiny little socks and really cute onesies and things and all the women were just gushing. And I realized I was sitting like a little bit away from the rest of them and just thinking that looks like more laundry to me. So then I really knew that I was done with babies until I got a phone call about our boy's baby sister and could we come get her? Like today? Did we have a car seat? And so even though we knew it meant getting on another two year emotional roller coaster, we borrowed a car seat and said yes. Six years after starting our fostering experience, we had adopted each of our children. We got to say goodbye to the judges and the caseworkers and good riddance to the one that we referred to as the antisocial worker and hello to the architect and the contractors. Lessons were still being learned and mistakes were being made. I can admit that I have been that white mom out at the store when a black woman told me that my baby's hair felt a little bit dry. And I knew I had to learn from all these different sources, the black community, adult adoptees, more experienced, transracially adoptive families, and all while trying to balance it with what it meant to be our family in this time and in this place. And I thought we were doing all right. And then one day, my son was getting ready for school. He was 6 years old and getting ready for first grade, and he was brushing his teeth, and he just stopped. And he said, I wish a Brown family adopted me. He wasn't upset. He was very matter of fact, like, I want to wear my blue sneakers, and I wish a brown family adopted me. But I was stunned. I knew he might say something like that at some point, but I just wasn't really expecting it. And so I just tried to stay calm. And I said, oh, well, how come? And he said, I want the family to look like me. So I pointed out that his younger brother and sister looked like him. And he said, yeah, but not the whole family. And so I just apologized. I didn't know what else I could possibly do. And I got him off to school. And the whole day I was thinking, you know, what am I going to do about this? And on one hand, I didn't want to do anything. I mean, if the kid seems fine, I don't want to bother him, you know, get him upset about it. But on the other hand, you know, you have to muddle things up sometimes before you get some clarity. So at bedtime that night, I muddled things up and I asked him, are you still feeling sad that a brown family didn't adopt you? And he didn't say anything. He just nodded yes. So I said, did anybody do anything or say something recently that made you start to feel that way. And again he just nodded no. So now I'm grasping for straws. Did you know that Daddy and I love you very, very, very, very, very much? And again, just a nod, yes. I mean, clearly the kid was not going to help me move the conversation forward at all. So I had no idea what to say. And so I absolutely surprised myself with what came out next. And I said to him, did you know that there's sadness to adoption? And this time his interest was piqued because this time he spoke and he said, no, I didn't. And I said, well, yeah, most of the time everybody only talks about how really happy adoption is. And we are so, so happy that you're part of our family. But if the world was perfect and there were never any problems at all, you probably could have just stayed with your first mommy, don't you think? And this time, my boy answered me. It wasn't with a nod or with words, but he sobbed. It wasn't crying over a skin knee. He was sobbing over an emotional wound that he didn't know he had. And he still lacked the emotional maturity and the language to really explore it. But there was something about my acknowledging it for him that just unlocked the deepest sob I'd ever heard come out of a little child. And I told him it was okay to be sad about that and maybe even forever, but that I wanted to help him find peace over it. And would he maybe like to try to meet some more of his birth family? And he said yes. So I reached out to our last caseworker and I said I had heard about this great grandma. Can you give me her number or something? And he said, no, I'm actually not allowed to give that out. So I did a little more asking around and some research, and I found out that he could, however, send a letter on my behalf. Now, based on my history with the state, I didn't really trust that this was going to happen, but I had to take a chance. I wrote the letter and I sent it and hoped for the best. And it worked because she called us a week or two later, this great grandmother who had worried about them and prayed for them for years. And we went to go meet her immediately. And as soon as we did, all these doors kept opening because every time we went, we just. We would meet a new family member. And each one of them welcomed all of us, our adopted kids, our biological kids, my husband and myself, with open arms. And all these relationships that could have felt awkward or strained just never did. And our children thrived because of it. And that was four years ago. And on a more recent visit, I was sitting catching up with the kid's auntie, like, on a couch over here. And I could see my husband eating and talking with another family member over there. And some of my kids were doing crafts with some cousins and others were running around playing Ninja Turtles with other cousins. And there was Pop Pop sitting on the couch, and he had the TV on the nature channel way too loud like he always has it. And I know that now. And there was my son, just snuggled up by his side and treating wild animal facts with his grandfather. And looking around the room that day, I thought to myself, you know, growing up, I always thought that adoption just meant a new family for the children that are adopted. But looking around here, I know that in our case, it means so much more because it's a family for all of us. Thank you.
