Transcript
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Kathryn Burns (2:20)
This is the Moth Radio Hour from PRX and I'm Kathryn Burns. Today we're going to hear stories about courage. All our storytellers in this hour were pushed, either by themselves or outside forces, to dig deep, face their fears and find the guts to do what was needed. First up, the writer A.J. jacobs. The story contains a description of the perils of having a nude photo taken, so we wanted to warn you just in case that would be troublesome, but we thought it was funny and hope you will too. It was recorded at Lincoln Center's beautiful Alice Tully hall in New York City, where we Partner with wnyc, here's AJ Jacobs.
A.J. Jacobs (2:59)
Okay. Lefty loosey, righty tighty. Okay. It started out innocently enough. I was working as an editor at Esquire magazine and my boss tells me that the actress Mary Louise Parker has agreed to write an essay and I'm assigned to be her editor. And he says, here's her number, give her a call. You two figure out what she should write about. So I call Mary Louise Parker. I do the awkward but necessary I'm a huge fan of your work. I love you on the West Wing. That's what she was on at the time. I say, what would you like to write about? And she says, well, I have an 8 year old niece and I thought maybe I could write an essay about what it's like to be an ant. And I say, great, great, great. And in my mind I'm thinking, not so great, not so great, not so great. Because you have to understand, Esquire is a men's magazine and my boss is a manly man. I'm new to the job. I really want to impress him. So I just know that if I brought this to him, it would put him in a stage three coma. So I say, I love that, but do you have any other ideas? And she says she does have another idea. She says that she was thinking that she could pose for a nude photo and then write an essay about what it's like to pose for a nude photo and then Esquire could print the photo and the essay. At this point, I have to restrain myself from getting down on my knees and making a burnt offering to Mary Louise Parker because she is just guaranteed my holiday bonus. My boss is going to love this. So I'm about to hang up and tell him the good news, and she says, I do have one little addendum. I was like, okay. And she says, I was thinking that you should also pose for a nude photo. And I was like, what's that now? And she said, yeah, I was thinking, as editor of the piece, you should pose for a bunch of nude photos. I'll pick one of the photos and Esquire will run your photo in addition to mine so that you can experience the objectification and loss of control that goes with this experience. Now, I, I don't recall exactly what I said, but later, Mary Louise Parker actually wrote an essay where she describes my reaction. And I brought it along in writing. I was given permission for just this one passage. So this is how she describes it. She says, I was met with some sputtering and Choked, mortified. Laughter. The way people laugh when they feel suddenly light headed or when they view something both compelling and grotesque, like, say, two cats having sex or a child vomiting into his Easter basket. So that sounds accurate. I was certainly rattled. And so I hang up. And reluctantly, I have to go to my boss and tell him. And my only consolation is that I figure there's no way he's going to want my nude body in Esquire magazine. That was a grave miscalculation. He is gleeful. He thinks it would be hilarious to humiliate me. So he starts brainstorming, like, we can put whipped cream on you. I'm like, all right, let me think about it. I go home to my wife and tell her, figuring that she's going to be as disturbed as I am. Another grave miscalculation. She says, oh, you got to do it. It's only fair. Turns out later I found out she thought this would motivate me to lose the flab around my middle. So she had an ulterior motive. But I didn't know what to do because I am not comfortable in my body. I kind of see my body as a vehicle to carry my brain from place to place, and I've always felt that way. And I don't work out and it shows. So I have, you know, I have what I call a concave chest. So I've got an indentation in my chest about the size of a soap dish, which comes in handy when you're taking a bath, but which is not for public consumption. And I'm a writer, so I'm okay with exposing my mind. But I thought my body, that is a violation. That's an invasion of privacy. But the more I thought about it, the more I decided my wife and Mary Louise Parker were right. It is only fair. I always tell my kids, you can't ask someone to do something for you if you wouldn't be willing to do it yourself. So I say, all right. Plus, I wanted to keep my job, so that was another motivation. I went to my boss. I said, okay, let's. Let's do it. Then I spend the next two weeks getting prepared as much as I can. So I do a lot of stomach crunches. I eat a lot of quinoa salads. Doesn't make much impact. I stress out. I worry about the worst case scenarios. You know, this is the first time that my private parts are going to be in public since I was like 2 years old. And my mind goes to weird places. I'm thinking, like, what if the, you know what if the worst thing happens and I get. I lose control and my private part acts up. And, you know, it's unlikely. I'm not 13, but I've never been in this situation. So I come up with a list of depressing mental images that I can call up if I need an emergency to deflate, like the Hindenburg, you know, that's going to help me. So finally the day comes. I go to the studio, which is huge. It's like the size of an airplane hangar. And I get there and I'm disturbed to see there are already like a dozen people there. Producers, assistants, assistants to assistants, and most of them are women in their 20s. And one of them gives me a glass of white wine and she says, okay, it's go time. Get undressed. So I follow orders. I put my clothes in the corner and I am directed to this round red cushion on the floor and told to sit down, which I do, hoping that it's been dry cleaned since the last nude photo shoot. And I'm sitting there and there are these, you know, these dozen women 10ft away. They're unpacking lenses and they're just chatting about the news and zero interest in my naked body, which is partly. It's relieving. It's a relief, you know, I don't want a big fuss. And it's also kind of sad because it's clear that my nude form holds as much allure as like a wicker table. So just no interest. So I'm sitting there, I'm getting cold air conditioning. I can feel it on my neck. I don't know what to do with my hands because I usually put them in my pockets when I'm nervous. I don't have pockets because I don't have pants. So then out comes the photographer. His name is Nigel. He's from Scotland. He's got a thick accent and he's photographed a list actors and presidents. So this is no big deal for him. He adjusts the light some more and he starts shooting like. And he says to me, okay, now relax your face. So I try to relax my face. I try really hard to relax my face. And he says, no, now you just look constipated. And I'm like, this is not a relaxing situation. He says, okay, now suk in your gut. And I'm like, what's that? He says, suk in your gut. And he points to his gut, his stomach. I'm like, oh, suck in my gut. Okay, I can do that. So I suck in My gut. And I'm sitting cross legged on the floor and I'm not a yoga practitioner, so it's actually getting kind of uncomfortable. So I adjust my legs and he says, no, no, no, not like that. Now I can see your chopper. And I had never heard the word chopper used in that context. Maybe it's Scottish. But I figured out what he was saying and he was, I definitely do not want, want my chopper out there. Because I've been thinking while this is going on, that chopper or not, this is one of the worst decisions I've made. Because the Internet is forever. You know, this is when people Google my name. This is what's going to show up. So I'm spiraling. Then I try to put it in context. I'm like, look, I talk to myself. I'm just, you're one of 7 billion people on earth. There are people with much larger problems. You're going to die in a few decades. The universe is slowly dying. So in like a few billion years, it'll just be a collection of lifeless atoms and they won't care about a mid level men's magazine guy posing nude. So that made me feel better, actually. That just depressed me. So I try to give myself a pep talk and I'm like, you know what, I'm going to reframe this. I'm going to say, this is liberating. I am making myself vulnerable. I'm going to survive this. And I've stripped down to my bare essence and I'm going to come out stronger. There's that phrase, freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. I literally have nothing left to lose, fabric wise. So then Nigel, the photographer, he says, okay, let's wrap it up. And they give me this nice white bathrobe and I am delighted to see that they have set up a buffet on this table of like couscous and grilled chicken and expensive bottles of champagne. And I'm like, yes, I deserve this. Thank you. I worked for this. So I go over and an assistant says, oh, no, this is not for you. This is for Mary Louise Parker. She's coming in to shoot after you. You're finished. You should go home. So any sense this delusion of liberation was crushed and no dignity. I put on my clothes, I do the walk of shame home. A month later, the article comes out and we get some letters. One man wrote that seeing Mary Louise Parker and reading her essay, it was like a great meal. And then turning the page and seeing me was like botulism. After the meal so that's done. Thank you. Yeah. But I will say we didn't get any canceled subscriptions. And it was much better than it could have been because Mary Louise Parker and Nigel were actually. They had mercy on me. I couldn't believe how much control you have over a photo. You think a photo is reality. It's not. You know, they used black and white, which is automatically 40% more classy. And the lighting was miraculous. It like brought out muscles that didn't exist. And they used Photoshop so they got rid of a lot of the hair on my legs. It was like a deforestation Agent Orange situation. And so I figured I really should be grateful to Mary Louise Parker and thank her because this was a. An unpleasant experience. But it really did teach me. I got to see, and I will tell you this, never again have I asked a woman to pose nude. In fact, the very thought of it makes me want to vomit into an Easter egg basket. Thank you.