Bradford Jordan (5:10)

He.

Bradford Jordan (5:10)

Said to me, brad, this is a Facebook scam. This is a. This is what they do. Don't you know that? And I thought for a second, maybe it is a Facebook scam. But there's too many details. The name of my friend when I was in Oxford, and other details that my paraphrase missed. It was too specific. Another thing, the email that I forgot to mention had was the name of the boy. His name is Caden. And a picture attached on the iPad. The picture doesn't come up as a photograph. It comes up as a sort of soft cornered square with dotted lines. And I couldn't bring myself to tap on it, but my dad did. And I couldn't look at it because I was crying so hard and I was so scared and I was slowly going completely crazy. But he looked at it and he said, it's a kid with brown hair and blue eyes. It could be any kid. And in, you know, the passing emotions of fear and anger and destitution, I had for what must have actually been maybe a half a second, the moment where I felt sane. And that moment was a moment when I felt what I imagine anyone here who's a parent felt when they became a parent, which is boundless and limitless love for this kid. I didn't know where he was. I never met him. I'd never even seen the picture that my dad had seen. But I knew that I would do anything. And then I went back to being crazy. The next day, I decided I should probably call my girlfriend and tell her what was going on because her life was going to change and my life was going to change. I might be moving to England. And I called her up and I asked her to sit down. She was in New York, I was in California. And I said, you know, we've been talking a lot about if someday we want to have kids. And I know that I have been questioning it. I know that I haven't been enthusiastic about it, but I want to tell you that I got an email.

Bradford Jordan (7:47)

And.

Bradford Jordan (7:47)

She said, from Stephanie Miller. I said, what are you talking about? And she said, april Fools. And yeah, no, it's fucked up. It really is. It was super, super messed up. But, you know, I hung up the phone. Cause I couldn't say anything else to her. And my dad gave me, after I told him, he kind of gave me a look like maybe it wasn't a Facebook scam, but I knew something fishy was going on. But I'll tell you this, is that I go back and forth between that half a minute or half a second, whatever it was when I felt that love. And sometimes I feel like I cheated the universe because I don't deserve to know what that feels like or somehow it was inauthentic because that's for real parents. And sometimes I thank the universe because now I know that I do want to be a dad.

Kathryn Burns (8:54)

That was Bradford. Jordan Bradford is an improviser and educator. To see a picture of Bradford and his dad on the cuddle couch, go to themoth.org Our next story is from Charles Fattoni. We met Charles when he signed up for a storytelling workshop taught by the Moth Shop community education program. I recently sat down with Larry Rosen, who manages Moth Shop.

Larry Rosen (9:23)

The education program seeks to foster self expression, community and awareness through the art and the craft of personal storytelling. Because storytelling is going to do this in a way that no other art form is going to do it and no other craft is going to do it. What we have is this magical combination of art and life.

Kathryn Burns (9:50)

We'll hear more from Larry when we come back. But now here's Charles Fatomi live at the Moth Shop. Showcase at the Housing Works Bookstore Cafe in New York city.

Charles Fatoni (10:05)

It was 1975. I was sitting in my living room on my sofa with my Afghan Hound, Real Leona sitting next to me. And I was thinking, it had been a year since I ended a five and a half year live in relationship with Reno, who was ten years my junior. He had decided that he needed more space and a lot more partners. So that afternoon I took a walk across town to Waverly Place to my friend Bart. We'd been buddies since we were 19 and over drinks he said, so are you seeing anyone? And I said, no. He said, listen, a year is a long time to mourn. And I said, I'm not in mourning. What makes you think I'm in mourning? I'm 40. I don't have the energy to tell the story of my life again, not after Reno. I want someone my own age. He said, why don't you go out for a beer? I said, I haven't been to a gay bar in six years. I don't even know where they are. He said, why don't you try Ties on Christopher Street? I said, ties is a meat rack. He said, well, you're not going to get married. You're just going for a beer. Well, the logic of that appealed to me. So that night at 11 o'clock, I walked into Ties. It was packed wall to wall. It was October 25th and it looked as if they were all in dress rehearsal for Halloween. Leather jeans, multicolored kerchiefs advertising God knows what. The smell of cologne, sweat, smiles, beer, whiskey. The place smelled of desire. I looked directly across the room and I saw a space of white wall. And next to it was standing a young, slender blond guy. In this crowd, he looked like a dish of vanilla ice cream. So I took my beer and I walked over to him. And we're standing side by side and I say to myself, what the hell am I going to say to him? There are four guys nearby who are in an intense conversation. Intense. And suddenly one of them drops to the floor like a sack of potatoes. I look down and I said, it's, is that drugs or is that liquor? And he said, it's probably a combination of both. And so we were talking. We started talking about how many stimulants were being taken by everybody in that place. The guys picked their friend up and took him away. And I noticed that his beer was empty. And I said to him, can I get you another beer? He said, no, thanks. I thought, oh shit. He said, I don't need another beer? I've already decided.

Larry Rosen (13:55)

Let's go.

Charles Fatoni (14:02)

Kel's Surprise So we walked across Washington Square park, it was midnight autumn in New York, to my apartment, where we exchanged desires. The next morning we had breakfast, coffee and toast. I also learned that his name was Terry and that he had a degree in music and he was planning on becoming an opera singer. But in the meantime he was a full time nurse's aide during the evenings at midnight at St. Clair's Hospital. And what he did was they drag in the skulls, which are derelicts from the street that were covered with shit and piss and hand them over to him to hose down and clean. To me, that was like Mother Teresa, except without the blue and white sari. I also learned that he was 13 years younger than me. And I thought to myself, no way, no way in hell I wanted someone my own age. So any sense of possibility that there'd be anything serious between us was completely off the table. But it didn't preclude having an affair. So we started to see each other, you know, for dinner, theater stuff. And about six months later, one night, we were finishing dinner at my place. I had cooked. It was about 10. He goes to work at 11. I look at my watch and I say to myself, this is going to have to be a quickie. But we continued talking and I thought to myself, oh, what the hell, let it go. At 11 o'clock, I pointed to the clock and I said, you've got to go to work. He said, I'm off tonight. Surprise. Great. He said, incidentally, my sublet is coming due and I'm going to have to move. And I said, don't worry about that. I'll help you find someplace. And he said, or I could move in here with you. I said, you know, there are no doors on any of these rooms except on the toilet. This apartment is not designed for roommates. He said, I know. I said, you know, it can be very difficult to live with. He said, that's okay. I said, listen, as long as you have to move, you can move in temporarily. And while we're looking for something for you, we'll see how it works out. 37 years later, we married in City hall because we were able to. And we went to Ferraros on Grand street and. And we had Sicilian cheesecake and champagne and brandy. And as we were walking along the street in the sun, we saw these two old, old guys who had to be at least 90, and they were clutching onto each other and creeping along the street. Terry pointed to them. And. And he said, look, that's us in 20 years. I said, may we live that long? Thank you.

Kathryn Burns (18:22)

That was Charles Fatoni. To see a picture of Charles and Terry, go to them off.org we met Charles at a workshop we produced with Sage, an organization dedicated to serving elderly, gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered people. Charles workshopped his story and then went on to tell it at a showcase that was open to the public. Here again is Larry Rosen from the Moth, who directed Charles story.

Larry Rosen (18:49)

The story was all formed in the workshop. So that workshop was presided over by the fabulous and talented and beloved Peter Aguero. And when Peter first told me about the story, he said, you've got to hear Charlie and you've got to consider him for the showcase, not only because he's so fabulous, but precisely because his story recognizes and celebrates this precious and surprisingly brief period in history between Stonewall and the onset of the AIDS crisis. And he said it was really a total of maybe 15 years. And when you think about it, it was this period of the excitement of opening up, the excitement of being more public, the excitement of exploration. And he has such a beautiful way of saying it.

Kathryn Burns (19:50)

You can hear more of my interview with Larry at our website. In a moment, we'll hear about a woman who is forced to come out to her family three separate times on two different continents.

Dana Stahm (20:21)

Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts and presented by the public radio Exchange prx.

Kathryn Burns (20:30)

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Kathryn Burns (22:01)

This is the Moth Radio Hour from prx. I'm Kathryn Burns. Our next storyteller is also from the Moth Shop community education program. Here's Dana Stahm live at the mall.

Bradford Jordan (22:20)

My mom found out that she wasn't able to have her own biological children when she married my dad. And so they decided to adopt me and my older sister from Korea when we were babies. I was raised in upstate New York in a small town, and I grew up in a white neighborhood and went to predominately white school schools. And I remember kind of going back and forth between really hating the fact that I was forced into this white world and also wanting so badly to blend in that I almost thought that I was white myself. And so I surrounded myself with white friends and I dated white guys, one of whom which told me one time that he didn't consider us to be in an interracial relationship because apparently he didn't think that skill, skin color was important. And so I went away to college, and at the end of my junior year there, I met this woman named Cynthia. And Cynthia was super confident in who she was. She was also born and raised in Brooklyn, which made her even cooler to me from upstate New York. And at first I felt like I just admired her and I wanted to be like her. And pretty quickly I realized that I actually wanted to be with her. And so we started dating. And I told my friends about the relationship, and they were really shocked and almost to the point of being resistant. They told me things like, well, you can't be gay. You've never had a girlfriend before. You can't be gay. You've always dated boys. And my favorite, which I still get, is you can't be gay. You don't look gay at all. And so I go home that summer and it's college break, and I want to tell my mom about the relationship. So I go into her room and she's reading at nighttime, and and I take this big breath and I say all at once, mom, I think that I might be gay. And my mom turns to me and she says in the iciest voice you can imagine. What do you mean you think you might be gay? And I kind of like, backtrack. I get nervous. I explained to her, I met this woman, she's named Cynthia. She's really Cool. I think I want to be in a relationship with her and see where it goes. But my mom just basically hears me ranting and thinks that I'm the most self esteem selfish person in the world. And then I'm trying to ruin her life. And after what seems like hours of my mom yelling at me, telling me that I'm a horrible person, telling me that I'm most likely going to get aids and that I am going to end up looking like a man because of this relationship, I go to bed that night and I'm trying to fall asleep, but I obviously am really worked up. And I hear my mom outside my bedroom door and she's kind of muttering under her breath, which is what she does when she gets really irritated. And she says just loud enough for me to make out, you are not my daughter. And so if I look back on my mom's reaction to my coming out and try to make some sense of it, I can see where she's coming from a little bit. Because in high school, my older sister struggled severely with addiction and she was diagnosed with a slew of mental illnesses, including borderline personality disorder. And my mom felt this lack of connection with her and kind of gave up on the relationship at one point. And she looked at me to be her golden child, her perfect daughter. And for my mom, the perfect daughter was not going to be gay. And so I woke the next morning and I tried to talk to my mom, but she basically ignored me. And if she did have to answer me, she would be passive aggressive and hostile towards me. And I decided that I could not live like that, even though it had only been a day of my mom reacting to to me like that. So I left home. But I, before I went, I left this letter from my mom. And I said, you know, mom, I'm totally wrong about myself. I made the whole thing up. I was confused. I just missed my ex boyfriend. And I'm really sorry that I upset you. And I get home later that night, my mom is so happy that I left that letter for her, and she's relieved. She thanks me for writing it and for being honest with myself. And she says, you know, I knew that you weren't gay after all. And so I told her that I broke up with Cynthia, but I actually stayed with her and we kept the relationship a secret for as long as we stayed together, which was a few years after that, through college and graduate school. But as much as I loved her and as much as she loved me back, we were just really struggling. I was Fading as a person. I was trying so hard to figure out who I was, but having to keep this huge secret from my family was obviously bringing me down. And their message to me was clearly that being gay was not okay. So I found myself kind of sinking deeper and deeper into this depression. And in graduate school, Cynthia and I broke up, and I felt like I kind of just hit rock bottom. I remember being really far away from home, not feeling like I had anyone to talk to about it. And I pick up the phone one night and. And I call Suicide Hotline. And the woman who picks up the phone does not want to talk to me. She is just trying to get me off the phone with her. She's impatient and she's dismissive, and I. You know, clearly lacking some training. So I hang up the phone. The next person that I call is my mom. And at that point, I'm just. I've lost it. I'm sobbing. I. I feel like I can't lose. I have nothing else left to lose. And so as I'm sobbing to my mom on the phone, she can barely make out what I'm trying to say. I tell her to put my dad on the phone. And he gets on the phone, and for the second time, I come out to my family, and my mom says, of course, Dana, we're going to accept you. We understand that you feel this way about yourself. But in the meantime, she completely dismisses everything that I've been through for the last three years because she says she's never reacted that way, that way the first time. She says she would never say that I wasn't her daughter. And she says that she would never react with such hatred towards me. And so in my mind, she's basically telling me that the last three years of my life that were filled with this loneliness and depression didn't really exist. So I hang up the phone with my parents, and I know that they accept me, But I also know that we can never go back from that point, and that my relationship, at least with my parents at that time, would never be the same. In the middle of all this, something really crazy also happens to me. I'm away in graduate school, and my birth mother in Korea does a search for me. She wants to reconnect with me and see how I'm doing, see if I'm happy. And I remember my mom telling me this news and everybody being really excited for me. My mom, my friends, they're like, this is so awesome. This never happens. Your birth mother's doing a search for you. And not the other way around. And I just feel really numb, and everything's kind of fuzzy when you're in a kind of depressed state. And I didn't even understand what was really going on. But I knew that no matter what, this stranger who was my birth mother would never really know me and probably never really accept who I was. And so I get the letter in the mail, and I do write back to her. We keep up some correspondence over the next couple of years, But I don't feel that invested in the relationship. I don't think that I'm ever going to be honest with her about who I am. And I'm never going to see her. She lives all the way in Korea. So I graduate from school. I move back home to try to find a job, and I get this call from the adoption agency, and they're offering me this trip to go to Korea to travel with other adoptees and learn about my birth culture and learn the language, take classes at the university. And I freak out because I've never traveled anywhere, especially by myself that's that far away. And I also have this paralyzing fear that when I go there, I'm going to have to go back in the closet because it's Korean culture and it's very homophobic to live there as a gay person. But I decide that I want to go on this trip. There's something in me that's really curious about my birth country and where I come from. And right about a week before I was about to leave, I get a call from the adoption agency saying, hey, guess what? While you're there, your birth mother would like to meet you. And so they told her that I was traveling to Korea, and she really wanted to reconnect with me after 23, three years of never even seeing each other or meeting or anything. So I meet my birth mother the third week into my trip in Korea in the summer of 2009. And it's not just my birth mother that I meet. I meet my three birth sisters, two of their spouses, their children, and my birth brother. And I'm sitting in this adoption agency, and they all come rushing in. They come pouring towards me. And my birth mother runs up to me, and she grabs my arm and. And she just starts sobbing. And she says over and over again, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, in Korean. And the translator tells me what she's saying, and she's crying. And that first day when I met them, they take me out to a Korean department store. They pick out this Korean dress for me and Korean shoes. And they take me in the dressing room and they actually dress me up as if I were a little child again. And on the car ride on the way to. To the department store, I'm sitting in the back seat with my birth mother, and I put my hand down in the seat between me, and she puts hers down next to me. And I see that we have the exact same hands, and I see how warm they are towards me and how much they embrace me. But I feel deep down like they're not going to accept who I am. The first question that my oldest birth sister asks me when she meets me is, do you have a boyfriend? And at that point, I certainly don't have a boyfriend. I'm actually back together with Cynthia, and I just tell her no. And I feel like, shut down in a way. So I really had this beautiful time meeting them. But I left that trip feeling like this sense of being defeated, that no matter what, I just couldn't tell them who I was. And so I get back home, and Cynthia actually proposes to me shortly after I return. And we end up getting married. And it's a really, really happy time in my life, except that there's this chunk missing. And I realize that the chunk is that I'm out to everybody in my life. I'm comfortable, I'm confident, but I'm not out to my birth family. And I do want a relationship with them. But I'm so scared that I will lose this family that I just met for the first time. But I know that I need to do it for myself. So I sit down with Cynthia, and we pick out some wedding photos to send. I decide to write this letter to Hee Kyung, who is my oldest birth sister, because she is able to speak and write some English. And I want her to translate the letter for the rest of my birth family. So we sit down, I put these photos in an envelope. I hand write this letter painstakingly. I look up all these words in the Korean Google dictionary, and I put the letter in the mail. And for the third time, it's like I'm coming out to my family again. And a few days pass, I want to just kind of delay what I think is going to be the inevitable rejection of my birth family. And I'm really surprised. In just a couple days after I put the letter in the mail, there's an email from Hee Kyung, who's my oldest birth sister, in my inbox. So I sit down and I kind of brace myself for what's to come. And I open the email and she says, congratulations on your wedding. She tells me that the wedding photos are absolutely beautiful and she's so glad that I found the person that I love. And then Hee Kyung tells me that she considers us to be the same. It turns out that my sister, my birth sister in Korea, is also in a relationship with a woman who she wants to spend the rest of her life with. So she translates the letter to the rest of my family. And although my birth mother still needs a little bit of time with my news because she's not completely comfortable with it, my birth sister tells me that we are the same. And for now, I feel like that's all I really need.

Kathryn Burns (34:12)

That was Dana Stallard. We met Dana in a workshop we did with a group called also known as a nonprofit organization that offers social, educational and community building programs, now activities for international adoptees. Dana is a social worker at a transfer high school on Coney Island. How are you supposed to react when minutes before your third colon surgery, your doctor tells you that he knows you had complications with the first two operations and so they are going to be, quote, extra careful, unquote, this time? We'll hear about that when we come back.

Dana Stahm (35:03)

The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts, and presented by the Public Radio Exchange prx.org.

Kathryn Burns (35:15)

This is the Moth Radio Hour from PRX. I'm Kathryn Burns from the Moth. Our last story is from Andy Borowitz. Andy has been a Moth host and storyteller since way back in the day. He told this story at our annual collaboration with the World Science Festival. A warning to listeners if you're squeamish about intestines in a medical context, you might want to rejoin us in 10 minutes or so. Here's Andy Borowitz live at the Moth.

Bradford Jordan (35:43)

So last fall, my wife Olivia and I are getting ready to go to a party, but I'm not really feeling up to it. I've been feeling kind of crappy the last few days. I've had these weird stomach pains and kind of bloated. I kind of look like I'm in my third trimester. And I've been constipated, which is weird for me, I've got to say. I just got to tell you this. I am very regular, okay? And I know that sounds like bragging, but as we age, we wear that like a badge of honor. So I just say that. So Olivia calls the health insurance hotline that we've got and talks to a Nurse. And she runs down my symptoms for. From the nurse. And then the nurse asks her to ask me, when was the last time that you passed gas? And I realized at this point that my record keeping on this is terrible. So she asks, well, was it in the last 24 hours? And I think about it, and I'm like, no, I don't think so. And so then the nurse says to Olivia, you've got to get them to an emergency room within the next six hours. So we go to the emergency room and we check in at the triage unit, which I've got to say, is not a reassuring name for a unit at all. It's like the worst thing to call a unit, in a way. And the intake nurse, first question she asked me is, she said, can you rate your pain on a scale of 1 to 10? And I say, 6, which is a huge mistake, because at that point, an immediate sense of calm and relaxation sets in over my case. And they busy themselves with the people who said 7 through 10. You know, that's just the way it works. So it takes a couple of hours. They finally X ray me, and I'm taken to an examining room, and a doctor comes in, and this doctor is 12. I mean, I feel like I'm being waited on at the Apple Store. I mean, that's the only. And I've got this big belly. And I say to him, doctor, I say, what's up with this? And he says, well, my diagnosis is distention. And I said, you mean my stomach is distensible? And he said, that's correct. And I'm like, well, clearly, I'm not dealing with Dr. House here, you know, but he orders a CAT scan, and I go through that. And then for the next couple of hours or so, a bunch of other doctors come into the room. And disturbingly, each time a new doctor comes in, he's slightly higher on the medical hierarchy at the hospital. So I'm pretty sure the next person who comes in is going to be Hippocrates, you know, the father of medicine. But finally, a guy comes in with a CAT scan result, and he is a surgical resident. Now, the only word that's worse than triage is surgical, because you know that something bad is about to happen. And he says, well, we have good news in a way, which is we know what's wrong with you. And I said, well, what is it? And he says, your colon is twisted, and this is something called a sigmoid volvulus. I mean, I know a lot of you already know what that means, since it's the scientists and all, but basically what it means is that the colon has formed a knot and nothing's going in and nothing's coming out. It's like midtown. Now, my wife Olivia, is a former journalist, and she has a knack for asking, like, the perfect question that just gets right to the truth of the matter. So she asks, is he in danger? And the doctor says, yes. Now, I should probably say at this point that at this point in time, Olivia and I have been married for nine months. These have been the happiest nine months of my life. And just being with her has erased all the sadness of all the years leading up to this. And during those nine months, many times I've said to myself, life is so awesome right now. It would take something really freaky to fuck this up. So I say to the doctor, what's next? And he says, well, we have two options. And the first option is one we'd rather not do, which is, he said, emergency surgery. We go in, we cut out the part of the colon that's twisted, and then we say, sew the two ends back together. And the reason this is not a good option is because, as you can imagine, the colon is a very contaminated part of the body. And when you do emergency surgery in those conditions, the chances of an infection and then sepsis setting in are pretty high, and that will kill you. So I said, well, what's the other option? Well, the other option is that we take a colonoscopy tool with the camera on the end, and we just use it as a tool, and we stick it up your rectum and we try to manually untwist your colon. And if this works, we will then spend the next couple days in the hospital just flushing out your system, getting your colon nice and sterile. And then on Friday, we'll do that operation, but it will be under sterile, optimal conditions, and you'll be good to go. So I'm like, shove the camera up my ass. Let's go. So they do it, and thank God it works. They untwist my colon. I check into the hospital. I'm in a room. They spend the next couple of days flushing out my system, and by Friday, my colon is clean as a whistle. It's unbelievable. And I go in for the surgery, and miraculously, the surgery goes exactly as planned. Perfect. So I'm in my room, and I'm recovering, and for the first time, I meet my surgeon who's performed this on me. And he's a very nice gentleman. Named Dr. Ho. And Dr. Ho speaks perfect English, but he's chosen to speak it in this very abbreviated, clipped fashion, sort of like Confucius on Twitter. That's the only way I can describe it. Everything is, like four characters, and then he's out. So I asked him, like, so when you got in there, what did you do to my colon? And he said, remove two feet. They took out two feet of my colon, and I'm thinking, that's a lot of colon to be removed. And I said, why so much? And he said colon was redundant. And that is the extent of my conversation with Dr. O. He's out. He's out to tweet some more to somebody else. So it's awesome. Olivia takes me home, and we're feeling like we really dodged a bullet. But then I get home, and I'm not feeling so great. I'm sort of feeling chills and shivers. And I get into bed, and I sort of pull up the sheets all the way to my chin, sort of like I'm a little kid home from school. I'm feeling bad. Then I notice that every time I sit up, I vomit. And this gets worse and worse until. I mean, I know some of us vomit occasionally, but this is like continuous vomiting. It's like I've just seen a Matthew McConaughey movie or something. It's just uncontrollable. And so we know something is majorly fucked up. So Olivia takes me back to the hospital, and we go back to the emergency room, and I get back to the triage unit, and the nurse there says, can you rate your pain from 1 to 10? And I am like, 10, motherfucker. Which turns turns out to be the correct answer, by the way, for future reference. So they take my vitals. They take my vitals. I am so dehydrated from all this vomiting that my heart rate at rest is, like, 120. My blood pressure is, like, just plummeting to the floor, and I'm in a state of dehydration, which is known as organ failure. My organs are now failing. So they strap me to a gurney, they put an IV in me, they start pumping me with fluids. They thread a tube up my nose and down my throat to start pumping all the bile out of my stomach, and just quarts of bile are coming out of me, and I'm on there. And they give me an emergency X ray of my abdomen. And then with the X rays, a few minutes later, Dr. Ho appears again. And he explains to me that when they sewed up the two parts of my colon. Apparently, somehow it sprung a leak, and my colon is now currently leaking into the rest of my abdomen. And they can identify gas sort of in the vicinity of my liver, which is not really where it's supposed to be. And I say, well, so are we going to do that thing where we flush out my body for a couple of days and then we get things nice and clean and then you operate? And he said, no, we don't have that option here. We've got to do emergency surgery. Exactly what we were trying to avoid the last week, because this can kill you. So I can see Olivia has one of those journalistic questions coming on, but this time she takes one of the residents outside of the room and asks this question out of my earshot. And she comes back into the room, and I can see that there are tears in her eyes. And I say to her, did you get some bad news? And she just says, I just love you so much. And I'm like, I am fucked. Like, just bring in the rabbi right now. Because I am so over. I am so over. But I can tell that she's really very upset and she's falling apart. And so I call out for a nurse, and I said, nurse, can we have a tranquilizer for my wife? She really needs something. But it's what the resident has told her and she hasn't told me. The resident has said, with this kind of surgery, the odds of surviving it are about 50%. That's about what you got. So they wheel me into surgery, and three hours later, magically, I awake. So I know that I've somehow survived this. And, I mean, that's not exactly a spoiler I'm here, right? I mean, come on, you weren't following this very closely. All right, so I'm recovering, and there again appears Dr. Ho and he explains to me what they've done to me, which is that they've wrapped up my colon where they think the leak was, and they wanted to make it absolutely tight. So what they've done, they're taking no chances this time. They're going to give the colon a few months to heal. And the way they're doing that is they have diverted my digestive tract elsewhere. Like, what is that? Like when you close the upper roadway on the gwb. I mean, what does this mean? What this means is they have taken out part of my small intestine, and it is now currently emptying out into something called an ileostomy. Dr. Ho has literally torn me a new Asshole. So I'm, like, getting this bad news. And he says, he tweets to me, only three months. Only three months. Then they do a reversal surgery. At the end of three months, they put your small intestine back in and you're good to go. So we go home. We've got three, three months to live with this thing. I'm getting to the gross part, and Libby and I are living, and I'm feeling like at this point that I've, like, totally done a bait and switch on this poor girl. Because nine months earlier, when we got married, I was, like, healthy and robust. And now I'm totally broken down. I look at myself in the mirror. I have lost £25. I've got, like, supermodel legs, and I look like a scarecrow. So we go back to Dr. Ho, and now we get the first good news of this whole story, which is he says, you have something called a prolapsedoma, and that means we have to move up your reversal surgery by a month. So I remember checking into the hospital, lying on the operating room table, and I'm about to go under anesthesia, and Dr. Ho is there, and he looks me in the eye and he says the longest single sentence he said to me, since this whole thing began, he says, look, I know you've had a lot of complications with these first two surgeries, so I'm going to be extra careful this time. You gotta love that learning curve, you know, no more boozing up in the or. We're gonna. We're gonna focus. We're gonna focus. Well, obviously, I made it. As some people of you have figured out, I made it. I survived. I'm here. But before I go, I need to get to the part of the story where I tell you what life lessons my colon has taught me. And I'm going to write a book about this called Tuesdays With My Colon, where I just, you know, go over those life lessons. But here's the thing. You know, I was always the kind of guy who, like, went through life and said, you know, life is precious, and you got to make the most of every minute. But I've got to say, you don't really believe that or know it or feel it until your life is almost taken away from you. And that is, like, totally true. And so now what I do every morning when I get up, I do two things. I'm still in bed. I look out the window, and I look at the city, the beautiful city and sun coming up over the city, and I check that out and then I look in the other direction and I look at my beautiful wife sleeping next to me and I realize at that moment that I've got today and I have everything. Thank you very much.

Bradford Jordan (51:28)

Thank you.

Bradford Jordan (51:29)

Thank you.

Kathryn Burns (51:32)

That was Andy Borowitz. Andy is a New York Times best selling author whose satirical news column the Borowitz Report can be read at the New Yorker website. He adapted the story into the memoir An Unexpected Twist, which Amazon named the best Kendall Singer of 2012 to share any of the stories you've heard in this hour, go to themoth.org where you can send a link to your friends and family so they can stream any Moth story for free. The stories are also available at the iTunes store. You can find the Moth on Facebook and on Twitter hemoth. That's it for this episode of the Moth Radio Hour. We hope you'll listen next time.

Dana Stahm (52:19)

Your host this hour was the Moth's Artistic Director, Kathryn Burns. Kathryn also directed the stories in the show along with Larry Rosen. The rest of the Moth's directorial staff include Sarah Haberman, Sarah Austin, Janess, Jennifer Hickson and Meg Bowles. Production support from Jenna Weiss Berman and Brandon Echter. Special thanks to Joshua Wolf Schenck and Moth Shop story instructors Peter Aguero, Cindy Ford Freeman and Sandra Struthers. Moth Stories Are True is remembered and affirmed by the Storytellers. Moth events are recorded by Argo Studios in New York City supervised by Paul Ruest. Our theme music is by the Drift. Other music in this hour from Horace Silver, Jacques Brell, Two Ton Shoe and Hank Ballard. The Moth is produced for radio by me, Jay Allison with Vicki Merrick at Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts. This hour was produced with funds from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, the National Endowment for the Arts, and the John D. And Catherine T. MacArthur foundation, committed to building a more just, verdant and peaceful world. The Moth Radio Hour is presented by the public radio exchange prx.org for more about our podcast. For information on pitching your own story and everything else, go to our website themoth.org.