The Moth Radio Hour: Stepchild, Big Brother, Mugshot

Summary

The Moth Radio Hour: Stepchild, Big Brother, Mugshot – Detailed Summary

Episode Overview Title: The Moth Radio Hour: Stepchild, Big Brother, Mugshot
Host: Sarah Austin Janess
Release Date: September 18, 2018
Description: This episode features three poignant true stories presented on stage by Tig Notaro, Steve Osborne, and Shawit Zerai. Each narrative delves into complex familial relationships, personal struggles, and moments of profound realization.

---

1. Tig Notaro: Navigating Family Dynamics and Forgiveness

Summary:
Comedian Tig Notaro opens the episode with a heartfelt story about her tumultuous relationship with her stepfather, Rick, and her supportive biological mother. Tig recounts her childhood characterized by Rick's strictness and emotional detachment contrasted with her mother's warmth and encouragement. The narrative takes a poignant turn with the sudden death of her mother and an unexpected phone call from Rick, leading to a long-overdue reconciliation.

Key Points:

• Strict Stepfather vs. Supportive Mother: Tig describes Rick as "stoic, removed, emotionless," enforcing harsh discipline, while her mother embodies affection and support.
• Career Conflict: Rick disapproves of Tig's career in stand-up comedy, urging her to pursue more traditionally stable paths like business school.
• Reconciliation: Years after her mother's death, Rick reaches out to apologize, admitting he never truly understood Tig and expressing regret over projecting his own expectations onto her.

Notable Quotes:

• Tig Notaro (05:23): “Rick told me that my career was a waste of my time and a waste of my intelligence.”
• Rick (exact timestamp not specified): “I never understood you as a child. I didn't get you at all.”

Themes:
The story highlights the struggle between parental expectations and personal desires, the impact of strict upbringing, and the transformative power of forgiveness and understanding.

---

2. Steve Osborne: The Human Side of Law Enforcement

Summary:
Former New York City cop Steve Osborne shares an emotional tale from his tenure in the fugitive division. Tasked with apprehending Hector, a repeat offender, Steve conducts a meticulous stakeout that ultimately leads to an unexpected and humbling encounter with Hector's mother. Through this interaction, Steve gains a deeper appreciation for the lives affected by his role in law enforcement.

Key Points:

• The Stakeout: Steve details the rigorous process of tracking Hector, emphasizing the anticipation and routine involved in his job.
• Unexpected Discovery: Upon entering Hector's dilapidated apartment, Steve confronts Hector’s mother, who reveals that Hector had been killed a week prior.
• Emotional Encounter: Moved by the mother's grief and lack of personal mementos, Steve gives her Hector’s mugshot, providing her with a tangible memory of her son.

Notable Quotes:

• Steve Osborne (30:15): “With that, he goes over to the refrigerator and he gets this business card, and he hands it to me. And he says, here, talk to this detective.”
• Steve Osborne (38:40): “She's clutching her robe shut, and she had those little pink fluffy slippers, and she shuffles across the room, and she goes over to this bookcase... And she just placed it right in the middle of those family photos. Thank you very much.”

Themes:
Steve’s story underscores the unforeseen human connections that can arise in law enforcement, the collateral emotional impacts on families, and the profound moments of empathy and understanding that transcend professional duties.

---

3. Shawit Zerai: Standing Up for Identity and Family

Summary:
High school junior Shawit Zerai narrates her journey of standing up to her conservative mother after her older brother, Senai, comes out as gay. The story explores the intense familial conflict that ensues, Shawit’s personal rebellion against her mother's rigid beliefs, and her path toward understanding and acceptance.

Key Points:

• Brother’s Revelation: At age 10, Senai informs Shawit that he is gay, a revelation that clashes with their mother's traditional Eritrean Catholic beliefs.
• Family Turmoil: When Senai publicly discloses his sexuality, their mother reacts with immediate rejection, leading Senai to leave the family home.
• Personal Rebellion: Shawit expresses her anger and desire for revenge by altering her appearance—cutting her hair and dyeing her clothes black—to provoke her mother's disapproval.
• Emotional Growth: Through the storytelling process, Shawit reflects on the excessive expectations placed on Senai and gains a deeper understanding of her mother’s love, culminating in a desire to present a balanced perspective rather than one of hatred.

Notable Quotes:

• Shawit Zerai (40:11): “I thought, here's my perfect brother. If Senai is gay, gay can't be bad.”
• Shawit Zerai (50:50): “When you tell the story, it's not just people in your age group... It's people who are a lot older than you. It's people who are a lot younger than you.”

Themes:
Shawit's narrative delves into themes of identity, familial acceptance, youthful rebellion, and the complexity of parental love. It also highlights the therapeutic and transformative nature of storytelling in processing personal trauma.

---

Host Interaction and Reflections

After Tig Notaro’s story, host Sarah Austin Janess engages in a conversation with Tig, humorously referencing her earlier jokes while also acknowledging the depth of her storytelling. Similarly, post-Shawit’s narrative, Sarah discusses the impact and emotional resonance of Shawit’s journey, emphasizing the importance of authenticity and vulnerability in storytelling.

Notable Interaction:

• Sarah Austin Janess (19:28): “Whenever I see an R2D2 something, I think of you.”
• Shawit Zerai (50:50): “I really do not think of any of the things I'm saying now about my mother and like, perspective and trying to see things more side.”

Conclusion: The episode masterfully weaves together stories of complex family relationships, personal struggles, and moments of reconciliation. Through the authentic and unfiltered narratives of Tig Notaro, Steve Osborne, and Shawit Zerai, listeners are offered a profound exploration of love, loss, identity, and the enduring quest for understanding within the family unit.

Accessing the Stories:
For those interested in delving deeper into these narratives, The Moth encourages listeners to visit themoth.org, where they can stream stories, share them, or even pitch their own for future recordings.

---

Final Thoughts:
This episode exemplifies The Moth’s commitment to showcasing real human experiences. Each storyteller brings a unique perspective, highlighting the universal themes of family, acceptance, and personal growth. Whether you’re a longtime listener or new to The Moth, these stories offer valuable insights and emotional connections that resonate deeply.

Transcript

[Advertiser 1]

As we approach the end of the year, I'm thinking about the next. Next year is the year I finally make my Spanish better than my 9 year old's. Rosetta Stone is the most trusted language learning program available on desktop or as an app, and it truly immerses you in the language that you want to learn. I can't wait to use Rosetta Stone and finally speak better than my 9 year old who's been learning Spanish in his own way. Rosetta Stone is the trusted expert for 30 years with millions of users and 25 languages offered. Speaking Spanish, French, Italian, German, Korean, I could go on fast language acquisition. Rosetta Stone immerses you in many ways. There are no English translations, so you can really learn to speak, listen and think in that language. Start the new year off with a resolution you can reach today. The Moth listeners can take advantage of this Rosetta Stones lifetime membership for 50% off, visit rosettastone.com moth that's 50% off. Unlimited access to 25 language courses for the rest of your Life. Redeem your 50% off at rosettastone.com moth.

[Advertiser 2]

Today, the Apple Watch Series 10 is here. It has the biggest display ever. It's also the thinnest Apple Watch ever, making it even more comfortable on your wrist whether you're running, swimming or sleeping. And it's the fastest charging Apple Watch, getting you 8 hours of charge in just 15 minutes. The Apple Watch Series 10 available for the first time in glossy jet black aluminum compared to previous generations. IPhone Xs are later required. Charge time and actual results will vary.

[Sarah Austin Janess]

From PRX this is the Moth Radio Hour. I'm Sarah Austin Janess from the Moth and I'll be your host this time. At the Moth, people tell true stories from their lives. They stand on stage in bars, clubs and theaters and they tell these stories without notes to audiences all around the country. This hour we'll have three stories for you. A stakeout leads a cop to a strange exchange with a criminal's mother. A teenager rebels after her brother is disowned. And our first story from stand up comic Tig Notaro. Tig told the story at a Moth night we produced along with KCRW in Los Angeles. The theme was Carpe Diem Stories of our most vital moments. Now Tig is a comedian, but this story is on the serious side. So Tig, people who know that you told a Moth story say, I bet her story is so funny and they haven't heard it yet.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, I do feel like it's the.

Funniest story I've ever told.

[Sarah Austin Janess]

Okay, just get that out there. All right, all right, all right.

[Tig Notaro]

Yep.

Some of my strongest jokes in there.

No, I.

It was such an amazingly fun challenge for me. The process was totally different than what I normally do. The story was not hilarious. There were moments where I got laughs. But the process of pulling the story together was just me writing out just freeform and then running it past you and trying to find structure and weed out things, and then having to long distance over the phone tell the story to you and not rely on my notes or outline at all was really good for me to do. Just in stand up, I'll just get a concept and go on stage with just one word, and I will just do it over and over. With the Moth, it was. I don't know, just pulling it together and then getting on stage and being really curious how it was going to go.

[Sarah Austin Janess]

We'll hear more of my conversation with Tig after her story. For now, from Los Angeles, here's Tig Notaro live at the Moth.

[Tig Notaro]

So when I was little, I made a mess of my room like any other child my age. The difference between me and other kids was the person overseeing my cleanup was my stepfather, Rick. And Rick was an attorney and in the military. He was very stoic, removed, emotionless. And I used to joke and say that he was kind of like C3PO, but with less emotion. And then it dawned on me recently that that joke actually doesn't make any sense because C3PO is very emotional, just like, R2, where are.

[Rick]

You?

[Tig Notaro]

You know, like, my stepfather was never in a panic looking for me the way C3PO was looking for R2. So, cleaning up my room, I was given an allotted time, And Rick would come in and whatever was out of place, he would put in a large trash bag, and then he'd lock it in the trunk of the car. Then I had to do chores to earn money to buy my toys back. I know it sounds harsh, because it is. But to be fair, I could buy. They were fairly. They were priced fairly like they were. I could buy entire Millennium Falcons, wind up Evel Knievels and stuffed monkeys for, like, a nickel each. Totally reasonable. But Rick, he was hardcore. Like holidays, we weren't even allowed to have friends or family over to the house. He claimed our house was not big enough. So that was not true. Meanwhile, my mother was very emotional and passionate and affectionate. She was wild and funny. She's originally from Southern Mississippi and was raised in a very conservative house. And she was always just Wanting to make sure that I knew the most important thing in life was to be happy. And she just supported anything. Anything I did was so cool. And I always looked adorable and just everything was great, you know? And, like, even down to dropping out of high school, my mother would brag to people. She's like, yeah, Tig dropped out. You know, she's doing her own thing and my own thing. I had nothing going on. Like, I was, like, working at a pizza parlor or selling po boys. That was me doing my own thing. And. But then I found stand up comedy, and I immediately had focus in my life, and I was so passionate and excited about it. And my mother, you know, she didn't care if I was in some dingy club in middle America or on tv. She just thought I was cool, you know, as long as I was happy, she was happy. Rick. Rick told me that my career was a waste of my time and a waste of my intelligence. And he thought that I should be a doctor or a lawyer. He suggested that I quit comedy and go to business school. Like, even just a couple of years ago when my career was going fine and I was making good money. I said, so you're telling me if I quit comedy and went to business school, something I'm not at all interested in, and ended up working in, like, a cubicle in an office somewhere with the life sucked out of me, you would support that? And he said, absolutely. I was like, wow, okay. So although my mother was very supportive of me, we certainly had our differences and problems. And I remember one time, like a decade ago, being on the phone fighting. And when the argument wasn't going anywhere, when I was mid sentence, she just abruptly handed the phone to Rick. And he said, tig, your mother doesn't want to talk to you. And he just hung up on me. I kept calling back, no answer. It was so frustrating and stifling. And this march, my phone rang and the word parents popped up on my caller id. And I was like, oh, this is probably my mother calling to wish me a happy birthday. Because a couple of days before was my birthday and I had missed her call. And when I answered the phone, it was Rick. And Rick has only called me, like, two times in my entire life. One was to tell me, I have no idea what that was about. And the second time was this time, and he was calling to tell me that my mother had fallen and hit her head and was not going to make it. And I immediately pictured her lying in a hospital, just barely hanging on, saying, you know, call Tig tell her to come to Texas to say goodbye. And I said, can I talk to my mother? You know, put her on the phone. He said, no, you can't ever talk to her again. My mother had suffered massive brain hemorrhaging with zero chance of recovery. And it was really so intense to process that that I would never be able to talk to her again. I've reflected a lot recently about that phone call over a decade ago when we were arguing. And I've thought about how I know my mother would give anything in the world to be able to come back to talk to me. And I always think that if somebody could be like, okay, you can come back, but you have to come back to that phone call where you're fighting with Tig, there would be zero fighting. It would be only I love yous and I'm sorry from both of us. After my. After my mother's funeral, we left Mississippi, our hometown, where she was buried, and we were driving back to Texas, and my brother and my uncle were in one car and Rick and I were in the other, and we were driving. And he said, tig, I want to talk to you about something. And I was like, oh, great. What could this be? Not in the mood. And he said, I wanted to talk to you about that time that you said that it hurts your feelings. The time that I hurt your feelings when I told you you should go to business school. And I said, oh, yeah, that hurt my feelings. But what really hurt my feelings was telling me my career was a waste of my time and a waste of my intelligence. That was hurtful. And he said. And he started to cry. The robot started to cry. And he said I was wrong, and I wanted to apologize for that. He said that I never understood you as a child. I didn't get you at all. And I tried to project onto you my life and my route, and I expected you to take that exact same route. And I'm realizing that it's not the child's responsibility to teach the parent who they are. It's the parent's responsibility to learn who the child is. And I didn't do that. And I'm sorry. And I said, so. And I'm crying, too. I said, are you saying that if I said I was going to quit comedy and go to business school, you wouldn't support that anymore? And he said, absolutely not. He said, that is the only thing in the world that you should be doing. I was like, oh, my gosh. I didn't even realize that I needed that so desperately. To hear that. And the only thing that really bums me out is that my mother wasn't there to hear that, to hear him tell me that. This Thanksgiving, I went to Texas and we actually spent it with Rick's side of the family. And I needed to get away and just be by myself. And I decided to drive to my mother and Rick's house. And when I pulled up into the driveway, I just had a full on breakdown, just sobbing in the driveway because I was like, oh, my gosh, my mother is not in that house. And of course I knew that, but it just really hit me in the driveway. And then I walked inside and the house still smelled like her. And everything was just so quiet. I was just looking around and still photos that were framed just seemed so still. Just moments in time, caught and just gone forever. And all the photos were still just placed where my mother had placed them over the years. And I started opening drawers because I wanted to just see something of my mother. She would write little notes to herself like, you know, Dennis, 2:00pm tomorrow. And she was an artist, and she would sketch me perfectly on a napkin when I was just sitting around. And so I was just looking for those kinds of things in the drawers and there wasn't anything in there. And I went to open a closet and there's nothing there. And I was finding nothing in any drawers or closets. And I just started going around the house, just running around, just trying to find something. And then I was in this panic and just crying even harder. Rick had gutted the house out like he had when I was a child with a trash bag. Everything was gone. And I was like, that is, I am done with this person. I couldn't believe I had fallen for that conversation. And I was so ready to write him off. Immediately I was done. And I called him on my cell phone and he said, hello, Tig. How are you doing? I said, not good, not good. All of my mother's things are gone, and so are my childhood things. And he said, hold on a minute. Go into my bedroom, go into my closet. And he started directing me. I was like, yeah. He said, look at the top shelf. And up there, he had placed some of my mother's things and some of my childhood things. And, you know, I opened the box and there were. She was a dancer, too. There were her ballet slippers and photos. And I just was like, you're lucky. And although, you know, before March, when the word parents popped up on my caller id, it represented my mother and Rick. Now, when the word Parents pops up on my caller id. It's only Rick. We have very different cleanup techniques, but I'm learning to get used to that. Good night.

[Sarah Austin Janess]

That was Tig Notara. Tig is a stand up comic. She has a popular podcast called Professor Blastoff and she also writes for film and tv. This moth story is actually included as a bonus track on her CD called Live. I talked with Tig after she told her story. I have to tell you, whenever I see an R2D2 something, I think of you.

[Tig Notaro]

I would hope so.

[Sarah Austin Janess]

So, for example, I saw an R2D2 Vespa the other day and I thought perhaps you would like that. There was also a hat that made me think of you. So let's just get that out of the way.

[Tig Notaro]

So you've thought of me twice, Basically.

[Sarah Austin Janess]

That's what I'm telling you.

[Tig Notaro]

Okay. Okay. That's funny.

[Sarah Austin Janess]

So does Rick know that you told this story?

[Tig Notaro]

No. No, he doesn't. I mean, I'm not keeping it from him. I just. I mean, maybe it'll come up. I just haven't felt compelled to be, like, calling him up and saying, hi, I talked about you. I don't know. I mean, I'm sure he'll hear it. Yeah, he follows everything I do now, I think. Unless he's lost interest recently, like, oh, you know what, she's actually not that good. She's not as good as I thought.

[Sarah Austin Janess]

Does he still call you every Sunday? You said he was on a kick.

[Tig Notaro]

Well, I mean, he's still calling me regularly. I think the Sunday thing has not stayed as a pattern. But, you know, he called me yesterday, I called him back today, and so we're definitely in touch.

[Sarah Austin Janess]

To hear more of my interview with tig, go to themoth.org in a moment. We'll be back with a story from a veteran cop on the emotional toll of stakeouts.

[Steve Osborne]

The Moth Radio Hour is produced produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts and presented by the Public Radio Exchange prx.org.

[Advertiser 3]

We all take supplements, or at least we know we should. But why are so many supplement companies charging ridiculous prices for products that really aren't that special? It's frustrating and frankly, unacceptable. That's why I want to introduce you to LiveGood, a brand that's turning the supplement industry on its head. Livegood believes that everyone deserves access to high quality supplements without the insane markups they offer. Premium products formulated by an industry leading team of natural health experts. And they cut out the middleman to sell them at the lowest prices anywhere. I'M excited to try their organic coffee. I chose this because it includes fiber and mushrooms to ease stress, reduce caffeine and support my overall health. It'll be a game changer for me. They also have organic super greens, multivitamins, collagen, protein powder, creatine, detox, hormone products, skincare products. All highest quality products at prices people can actually afford. Ready to make the switch and start saving? We'll make it even easier for you. Use our link and you can save an additional 10% off your first order on top of the already lowest prices. Just go to livegood.com moth to take 10% on your first order. That's livegood.com moth don't miss out on this opportunity to invest in your health without overspending.

[Advertiser 1]

This is a message from sponsor Intuit. TurboTax Taxes was waiting and wondering and worrying if you were going to get any money back. And then waiting, wondering and worrying some more. Nowtaxes is matching with a TurboTax expert who can do your taxes as soon as today. An expert who gives your taxes their undivided attention as they work on your return while you get real time updates on their progress so you can focus on your day. An expert who will find you every deduction possible and file every form, every investment, Every everything with 100% accuracy, all so you can get the most money back. Guaranteed. No waiting, no wondering, no worries. Now this is Taxes. Get an Expert now on TurboTax.com only available with TurboTax Live full service real time updates only in iOS mobile app. See guarantee [e-mail] guarantees.

[Sarah Austin Janess]

This is the Moth Radio Hour from PRX. Hi, I'm Sarah Austin. Janess. Next up is Steve Osborne, a former New York City cop. Steve has told a bunch of stories at the Moth. Maybe you've heard him before on the Moth Radio Hour. He's one of those rare people for whom the events of almost every day could be crafted into a story. He's just a natural raconteur. He told this at a Moth show called Crack Stories of comedy and calamity. And yes, his accent is for real. Here's Steve Osborne live at the mall.

[Advertiser 2]

How you doing? My name's Steve Osborne. I was a New York city cop for 20 years. Now, a few years back, I was a sergeant in the fugitive division. Now our job was to go out and hunt down and catch the most wanted fugitives. This was the greatest job in the world. I love this stuff. I used to love hunting these guys down, tracking them down wherever they would Try and hide, you know, we'd find them, we'd catch them, jump them, handcuff them and drag them in. It was loads of fun. I once tracked the guy down to the maternity ward while his wife was giving birth. Now before you go ooh and ah and all of that, he shot five people. When you start shooting that many people, I'll get you wherever I can get you. You know, all's fair. Now, we would start work at 4:30 in the morning and I would come in. And the reason that we did that was because we wanted to catch you in bed, sleeping. You were tired, you were groggy, and you were less likely to go for a gun or a knife. Try something else stupid. Now, when we would come into work, I'd grab my coffee, I'd sit at my desk and there'd be a stack of warrants on my desk, like five, six, seven of them, the guys that we were going after that day. And they'd usually be in priority order. The worst guy would be on top. Now the guy on top this day was this kid by the name of Hector. Now, at the age of 26, Hector was already a hardcore bad guy. He'd been locked up a whole load of times, everything from like smoking weed to assault to robbery, criminal possession of a weapon. And his latest collar, an attempted murder. That was the one that I was concerned with. Turns out he gets into a beef with a guy, pulls out a gun and shoots him. The guy didn't die, so attempted murder. He gets arrested. You know, he goes through the system and he goes to his arraignment. And the Bronx being the Bronx, the judge lets him out on bail with a return date of 30 days later. Well, surprise, surprise, 30 days comes and goes and Hector's nowhere to be found. Judge gets pissed off, issues a warrant for his arrest. Now he's my problem. Now I gotta go find him and bring him in. Now, every warrant that comes, it comes in a package. There's the warrant itself, signed off by the judge. There's all the guys, arrest reports. And stapled on top is a mugshot. Now you've all seen police mugshots, you know, a guy standing there with the numbers across his chest. It's the worst possible photo that anybody could ever take. I don't think Pamela Anderson, topless, could take a good mugshot, you know, maybe hall, but really, I don't think anybody else. So I'm looking at this kid's photo and he's sitting there and he's looking at me. You know, he's got the numbers across his chest and the profile with the numbers, and he's got these. And I could just tell by looking at him. I've been doing this for a long time. I made hundreds and hundreds of arrests. And I could just tell by looking at this kid's face, he is going to be a pain in the ass. He had these little black beady eyes staring at me. And he had these high, bony cheekbones and his pointy cheek and his scraggly goatee and his pockmark face. And he had a scar under his eye. It looked like he had gotten cut in a fight. Believe me, it was a face that only a mother could love. So now it's time to get to work. So I go through my checklist. I got my vest, gun, backup gun, handcuffs, flashlight, all the tools of the trade, everything you need for hunting down bad guys. So I get my team together. I got six very talented detectives, and we head out the door. And I got that spring in my step, like, I love this stuff. So we head over to his building, real bad building. I mean, I've been there a couple times before. Every time we go there, there's always a problem. Either they're throwing bricks and bottles off the roof at us or perps are fighting with us. It's always a problem. But it was early in the morning and everything was quiet. So I was hoping to slip in, get this guy, and get the hell out before anybody even knew we were there. We go through the front door, we go into the lobby, and it's a dump. There's bullet holes in the wall, there's graffiti on the walls, there's cracked vials on the floor, empty beer bottles, urine in the corner. The place is a mess. So he lives in apartment 4B. So we figure out the B apartments face front. So I tell two of my guys, cover the front window. Now, you might think, like, who would jump out a fourth floor window and try to escape, but I'm telling you, desperate men do desperate things. And I guarantee you, if he jumps out that window and kills himself, his family's going to be on the 6:00 news that night, swearing to God that I threw him out the window and trying to sue the city for $50 million. So two guys covering the window might save me a little bit of aggrav. We go up to the apartment and it's like it's choreographed. We do this every day. I take one side of the door, one of my guys takes the other side of the door. And we listen. And we're listening for anything, you know, voices, tv, radio, playing kids, a dog barking, anything that might give us a clue, you know, what we're walking into. So we listen for a minute. Nothing. Everything's quiet. So it's time to hit this thing. Now, the last thing I always do before we hit a warrant is I take the mug shot out and I study it. You know, I look at that face, and you just commit it to memory. Because a lot of times you go into these apartments, it's dark, there could be a lot of confusion. The family may be fighting with us. Somebody could be going for a gun or a knife. And there may be a brother, a cousin, an uncle, a nephew, somebody that looks just like them. So you want to know exactly what your bad guy looks like. So I take out the photo, and I'm studying it, and I'm looking at it, and I see them little black bottom, beady eyes staring at me. And that pockmark face and that goatee and bony cheekbones and that bony chin and the scar under his eye. So I take the photo, I hand it off to the next guy. He does the same thing. Everybody passes it around, and I stick it back in my pocket. Now it's time to hit this thing. Now, you might think that we knock the door down, but we really don't. We knock. You know, if I have to, you know, I got a battering ram and sledgehammers and stuff in the car. I'll go down and get it and I'll knock your door down. But usually knocking works. So I knock on the door, listening. Nothing. I knock a little louder, knock a little louder. Finally, I hear a woman's voice on the other side of the door. You know, who is it? What do you want? So we tell the police, we got a warrant. Open the door. So I hear on the other side of the door, click, click, click, click, click. You know, she's got like 20 locks on this door. As she's doing that, you know, we're turning on our flashlights, we're unholstering our guns. We're getting ready. The door opens up, and there's this little Hispanic woman standing there with this pink fluffy robe and these little pink fluffy slippers. She's like late 40s, early 50s. And I tell her, I says, police, we got a warrant. We're coming in. And we kind of push our way past her. So we go into the apartment and we do our thing. And we're going from room to room. We're tearing the place apart. You know, we're flipping up beds, we're tearing clothes out of the closets. And the reason that you do this is because these guys will hide in the most. On the tiniest, most unbelievable places. So you gotta be thorough. So we're tearing the place apart looking for them. No sign of them. I go back out to the living room, and I grab mom, and I says, ma, I says, where's Hector? I gotta talk to him. And she looks at me with this kind of, like, confused look on her face, and she says to me, she goes, my son's dead. So my first reaction is, bull. Don't lie to me. You might think that I'm being a. But I'm not. Believe me when I tell you I've had little old ladies with rosary beads and Bibles in their hands, swearing to God that they haven't seen their little Johnny in months. Meanwhile, the. Behind the bedroom door with a butcher knife, waiting for us to come in. You know, it's dangerous work, and I trust nobody. So I tell her, I said, look, you're not helping him. Tell me where he is. Don't make me hunt him down out in the street. That's how things happen. Tell me where he is or get him to turn himself in. With that, the daughter comes out of the bedroom and she grabs her mother and they kind of like interlock their arms, and they kind and like hugging each other. They're scared. They're nervous. You know, it's understandable. The cops are busted in their house early in the morning, tearing the place apart. So I said to the girl, I said, where's your brother? I gotta talk to him. And she looked right at me and she goes, my brother's dead. She goes, he was shot and killed last week down the block. And with that, she goes over to the refrigerator and she gets this business card, and she hands it to me. And she says, here, talk to this detective. He's got the case. He knows everything. So I take the card and I hand it to one of my guys. I said, make a call. So we make a couple of phone calls, and sure enough, everything checks out. Hector was a homicide victim. About a week earlier, he got shot and killed down the block. So everything checks out. So I tell Mom, I says, look, I'm very sorry for your loss. You know, I'm very sorry the way we had to bust in, the way we did. But, you know, we had a warrant and this is the way we do things. And I go on to explain. I says, look, I'LL go down to court, I'll get the warrant vacated. I'll make sure that nobody comes and bothers you again, you know, I'm very sorry. And with that, it's time for us to go. You know, in reality, I got five or six more hectares. We're going after that morning. But before we leave, I take the mugshot out of my pocket. Just want to make sure there's no mistaken identity. You know, we're talking about the same kid. We're in the right apartment. So I take the mug shot and I show it to her. And I says, is this your son? She takes one look at the photo, and tears just start rolling down her face. And she starts sobbing like that, really like, deep, mournful sob, like only a mother crying over her child would. So I believe her. I mean, obviously, this is her son. This is the apartment. You know, we're all on the same page. We're all talking about the same kid. So I take the photo, I stick it back in my pocket, and I tell her again, look, I'm very sorry for your loss. And we turn to leave. And as I turn to leave, she says to me, can I see the picture again? Now I'm a little bit confused. I'm like, this. This picture. Now I'm confused. I'm like, didn't she get a good look at it before? Is she not sure? I'm not sure where this thing is going now. So I take the photo out and I show it to her. And she reaches out and she takes it from my hand, and she clutches it to her chest, and it's like she was hugging him. And she says to me, can I keep this picture? So I'm like, that picture? You want to keep that picture? So I tell her, I says, look, you know, I says, you know, it's police department of property. I says, we don't. We don't normally give them out to the public. You know, we don't hand these things out as souvenirs. So she goes on to tell me this story that she has no photos of him. He was never around, you know, his old adult life. He was either out tearing up the streets or he was in jail. He never really came around for Mother's Day or Christmas or anything like that. And she had no photos of him. She had nothing to remember him by. So when she tells me this story, I feel terrible for her, you know, I'm like a hardcore guy, but my heart's breaking for her a little bit, you know? And she seemed like A nice lady. I mean, this building was a dump. And the apartment, she kept it clean, you know, she put that thick plastic on the sofa, you know, so that, you know, wouldn't get dirty. And she wasn't cursing me out like a lot of other mothers do, you know, blaming me because their son's got a warrant, he's got to go back to jail. She just seemed like a nice lady who lost her son to the streets, which in that neighborhood happened a lot. So I told her, I says, okay. I says, if you got nothing else to remember this kid by, go ahead, be my guest. It's yours. And she reaches out, she shakes my hand, and she's thanking me. And with that, she's clutching her robe shut, and she had those little pink fluffy slippers, and she shuffles across the room, and she goes over to this bookcase against the wall that had all these family photos, you know, in these nice silver and gold frames. You know, there was grandpa in his World War II uniform and wedding photos and graduation pictures, you know, with the cap and the gown. And very lovingly and very tenderly, like only a mother would do, she took that mug shot and she placed it right in the middle of those family photos. Thank you very much.

[Sarah Austin Janess]

That was Steve Osborne. Steve was a New York City police officer for 20 years and retired as a lieutenant, assigned to the detective bureau. For a photo of Steve on the job and for extras related to all the stories you hear on the Moth Radio hour, go to themoth.org after this break. Our final story. A high school student stands up to her mother after her oldest brother, her idol, is cast out of the family.

[Steve Osborne]

The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts, and presented by the Public Radio Exchange prx.org.

[Sarah Austin Janess]

This is the Moth Radio Hour from PRX. I'm Sarah Austin. Janess from the Moth. Our final storyteller is Shawit Zerai. Shawit was a junior in high school when she told this story. She was part of a Moth shop community education program. That's the series where we teach storytelling workshops to high school students and adults in community groups. We. We've had a great response to these high school storytelling classes. Lots of teenagers have developed personal stories with the Moth, and I asked Shoet why she thinks that is.

[Rick]

I think a lot of it has.

[Shawit Zerai]

To do with the idea of, I guess, lack of voice. You know, everyone's talking about how our generation doesn't have a voice, and that's very cliched, but it's like it's true. You know, we don't have any kind of centralized thought process. We are all very unique, and we all like to believe we're very unique. And I think this kind of free form, like, it's not that it's not a lot of work. It's a lot of work that you want to do. Is it something that's really about you? And I think it's also very empowering to think people want to hear what I have to say. Also a cliche that no one in their teenage years feels like anyone cares about them or anyone cares about what they have to say is important. After you've told the story, it's so awesome to feel like you're relatable because most of the time you kind of think my life is pretty boring and no one understands me. Classic teen angst. Like, oh, no one gets me. But this time, not only do people get you, but you can feel the audience getting you. And it's not just people in your age group. It's people who are a lot older than you. It's people who are a lot younger than you. It's your teachers, it's your fellow students, people you never thought you could connect with. They get it. There isn't a space in the American education system or in extracurriculars where this kind of expression exists. And I think it's obviously very much desired and it's awesome to be a part of. So I think that's why high schoolers are really drawn to it, because when you're an adult, you can talk to people about this kind of stuff. When you're a kid, this isn't exactly, like, common conversation topic, you know, this is something that you really only get one chance to say.

[Sarah Austin Janess]

Here. From a moth shop showcase. Shaweet Zera.

[Rick]

So I have a lot of siblings. I have eight. So I can kind of pick and choose which ones I like, which ones I don't like. And my favorite sibling has always been my brother Senai. And Sennai is 22 years old now, and he was. He's five years older than I am. And he's this hilarious guy, you know, he's like, funny, smart, he's beautiful. He's like just a great kid. He's kind of like the perfect kid. And people would always come up to me when I was younger and be like, aren't you really jealous of Sennae? Because I was always kind of like the second prettiest, like the second smartest. Like, I can never really meet him. And I was like, why would I be Jealous of Senai, like he's the best guy in the world. I was just, I was really glad he existed. And my mother and I don't agree on a lot of things, but one thing we agreed on was that Senai was the perfect child. He was like, I can't even explain what he is. He's just, he's amazing. So one day When I was 10 years old, my brother was 15. He sat me down and he was like, shweet, I have a secret. And I was like, okay, like, cool, he's going to share stuff with me. I'm really psyched. Like, I like learning about him. And he sits me down, he looks at me and he says, shaweet, I'm gay. And I didn't really know what gay was. I was 10 and the only time I'd ever heard the word gay was coming from my mother's mouth. And my mother is a staunch Catholic. She's very traditional, very conservative. Grew up in this tiny village in this little part of Africa called Eritrea. And she just, to her, gay was on par with being a murderer. She'd only associated it. I'd heard of it. Like, if you're gay, you're going to hell. If you're gay, you're sinning. That's how I grew up. To me, gay was just this disgusting thing you couldn't touch. And hearing this from my perfect brother telling me, shawit, I'm gay, my mind went to two places. You know, one how what? And the other was, the other that ended up dominating was, here's my perfect brother. Here's this man that I love telling me he's gay. If send is gay, gay can't be bad. So I was like, okay, Sen, like you're gay, that's cool. Like, I'm here for you. Like I'm here for you. And he looks at me and he says, sh, don't tell our mother. Like, it was just, it was the most terrifying look on his face. Like, if you tell our mother, help me God, I am dead. And I was like, I would never, like, oh my gosh, like, don't even worry about it. Like, I got you. I'm 10 years old here, like being like, I'm going to protect my older brother. So three years pass and I'm 13 years old and I get into Trinity, which is a good high school. And my brother gets into NYU on full scholarship, which is crazy because like, he's kind of the first sibling to go to a good college. And you know, the house was like, like Bubble of joy, like, it was just awesome time for all of us. And I remember standing in the kitchen one night with my brother Fatawi, who's two years older than I am, and my mom. And, you know, we're speaking in Arabic because that's the language we speak. And I get this really sinking feeling in my stomach like something terrible is about to happen, and I can't stop it. So, you know, I sit there and I keep talking, and my brother looks at me, and he looks at my mom and he says, mommy, Senai's gay. And in Arabic, there isn't a word for gay. So he has to say, mom, Senna is a boy who likes boys. And she doesn't really get it at first. She looks at me and I look away, and she looks at my brother, and he says it again in English, senna is gay. And at the drop of that word, gay, she just kind of breaks down. And just. The tension in the room just snaps. And I don't know what to do. And I'm sitting there thinking, what did you just do? I'm not saying anything. I'm just silent, terrified. And my first thought is, I have to go save Sene. I have to go find him. And so I run into my room, and he's sitting on my bed, and we share a room. And I'm just like, senai, terrible happened. And he's like, shree, what happened? And I'm like, vitaly told mommy you're gay. And he's like, what? Why would he do that? And he was. He was terrified, and I was terrified. And, you know, he starts to throw his stuff in a bag, and he starts to put on his jacket. And I see him doing this. So I throw my stuff in a bag and I put on a jacket. And we're just. We're just. It's crazy. It's hectic. We're terrified. And then all of a sudden, he just looks at me, and he's standing in the doorway getting ready to leave, and I'm ready to leave. And he's just like, where do you think you're going? And I'm like, I'm going to go with you. Like, where else would I go? Like, I belong with you. And he's just like, no. Like, this isn't your battle. This isn't your fight. You're too young. You know, your place is here with your mother. And I was like, I don't want to be here. I want to be with you. Like, I want to save you. I want to Be with you. And he's just like, no, stay. And he slams the door in my face. And I just kind of collapse on my bed thinking, like, what just happened? So Sanai leaves, and he never comes back. He comes back to pick up clothing. My mother disowns him the same day. And he ends up living with his friend till he goes away to college and I'm stuck at home. So the next 2, 3, 4, 5, till now, really, it's kind of like a war zone, especially the next month afterwards. And my mother and I had never really been on good terms, but it was kind of now as explosive terms. It was like every little thing. Every night I would scream. Every night she would scream. And I was a really complacent child. I was really the good kid. Like, got good grades, you know, obedient, cleaned the house. But this time, I was beyond fear. Like, this woman had taken away, like, the one thing in my life I had loved. And I could not, like, feel anything toward this woman except for black. She wasn't even my mother. It was just black hatred 24 7. I couldn't look at her without being disgusted. And it was just. It was a really bad time for my mother and I. And I remember sitting in my room one day, my mother's at church, and I'm staring in the mirror doing my, like, daily, you know, like, I hate you, Mom. I hate you, Mom. I hate you, Mom. Just staring at the mirror, doing that. It's about a month after the incident, and I'm thinking, I have to get revenge for my brother. Like, I have to do something to break this woman's heart. I have to make her feel what I felt. And I used to have really nice hair, and it used to come up to about here, and it was, like, long and really pretty and curly. And this is unusual because I'm African American, and usually African Americans have pretty kinky hair. Everyone in my family has kinky hair. But for some reason, I was blessed with really pretty long hair. And it was my mother's pride and joy. Like, she loved it and I loved it, to be honest. But she loved it more than I did. She just loved it a lot. And I was thinking, wouldn't it be crazy if I just cut off all of my hair? That would enrage her. So, you know, I tie my hair into pigtails and I take a piss. Like, I take scissors and I just chop them off. And needless to say, it looks ridiculous because I chop them off unevenly. So it was kind of like I Don't really know what I was doing. And I'm still angry. And I look at myself and I just. I get angrier because I'm like, this isn't enough. Like, she's not gonna feel what I felt. So I, you know, I opened my closet and I went to Catholic school, so I didn't have a lot of street clothing, but with little clothes I did have was really colorful, you know, white, because my mother hated the color black. It was just a disgusting color. We weren't allowed to own any clothing and back. So I was like, wouldn't also just enrage my mother if I dyed all of my clothes black? So I run out to the store, 99 cent store. I buy like six boxes of iodine dye. I don't really know what I'm doing, so I kind of just take it back home and I fill up my bathtub with water and I just dump all of this dye in the bathtub, Dyeing my bathtub black. And I take all of my clothing, including my uniform, and I kind of just swish it in this water and poke it with a stick for a while and wait for it to turn black. I ruin all the clothes. And I take out my Catholic school uniform and I put it on dripping wet, staining my body, staining the floor, staining the couch. And I sit down and I proceed to wait for my mother to come home from church. I'm just sitting there with this crazy hair and this ridiculous outfit dripping wet, just waiting. And the door turns. My mother comes in. She looks at me. She doesn't really. She doesn't say anything. And she starts to cry. And it's not the sobbing that I see from my mother. It's not this wrathful anger that I see from my mother. It's this deep place of sorrow and loss. And I can't place it and I can't respond to it. So I start to cry. And it's just this terrible exchange of broken hearts. And I can't even deal. And I've. I've kind of come to realize now that my mother had held Senai to such a high state, such a high expectation to, like, this level that couldn't be reached perfection. That's how we all held him. And so when he was gay, he kind of fell from this high up, placed him. And you're so high up, you have so far to fall. And my mother loved him more than she loved any of us. My mother loved him more than I loved him. I can't even comprehend that kind of love. So at the end of the day, it wasn't that my mother didn't love Senai enough. It was that she loved him too much. Thank you.

[Sarah Austin Janess]

That was Shawit Zarai when she told this story. Shawit was a junior in high school. I sat down to talk with Shawit about what this storytelling process was like.

[Shawit Zerai]

I think when I told it to my school community, it was. It was very nerve wracking. And I was afraid because I'm generally known as a very quiet person. Like, not quiet, but a very private person. And the response was, I don't know, it was like, really intense. Like people, people were like crying afterwards. And I was like, I didn't want to do that. Like, that's not. I don't want to deal with you crying at 8:15 in the morning, which is a little cold. But like, I really. I had school that day. Like I had the rest of my day. But it was very surprising because Trinity isn't exactly known for being like an emotionally supportive place. It's pretty much. It's a really rigorous academic school. We don't have time to cry. So that was. That was really like pleasant almost. And also the teacher's response. Like, there were a lot of teachers who like pulled me aside and like hugged me for like a solid five minutes and I was like, I am, I am. Okay, but thank you. Like, that's nice. Like, teachers who don't teach me teach. I don't even know their names. So that was really cool. And I think, like, it definitely, like, I did not, like, I did not think of any of the things I'm saying now about my mother and like, perspective and trying to see things more side. I did not think them when I was 13. I didn't think them when I was a freshman. I didn't think them until last year. Until while I was working shopping the story. Especially when we were talking about endings and like, what's your last line gonna be? And what impression do you want to leave the audience with? And I definitely knew initially it was just gonna be a story of revenge. Like a really. Like the audience would leave disliking my mother. And then as I kind of workshopped the story and thought about it, I realized like, I really don't want that impression on them because I don't dislike my mother at this. Like, I may have disliked her them. I love her a lot now and I want people to leave knowing how much she loves us and how much I love her because I feel like it'd be a disrespect to her to tell the story and it would be.

[Sarah Austin Janess]

Dishonest to hear more of this interview with Shoe it and for information on our community storytelling workshops, go to themoth.org to share any of the stories you've heard this hour, go to themoth.org where you can stream the stories for free and send a link to your friends and family. While you're there. You can also pitch us your story, record it right on our site, or call 877-799-MOTH. That's 877-799-6684. The best pitches are developed for Moth shows all around the country. That's it for this episode of the Moth Radio Hour. We hope you'll join us next time. And that's the story from the Moth.

[Steve Osborne]

Your host this hour was Sarah Austin Janess. Sarah also directed the stories in the hour, along with Katherine Burns and Larry Rosen. The rest of the Moth's directorial staff includes Sarah Haberman, Jennifer Hickson and Meg Bowles. Production support from Jenna Weiss Berman and Brandon Echter. Moth stories are true as remembered and affirmed by the storytellers. Moth events are recorded by Argo Studios in New York City, supervised by Paul Ruest. Our theme music is by the Drift. Other music in this hour R2D2 from Bilk, New York by Cat Power and Struggle by Bill Frizzell. The Moth is produced for radio by me, Jay Allison at Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts, with help from Vicki Merrick. This hour was produced with funds from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, the National Endowment for the Arts, and the John D. And Catherine T. MacArthur foundation, committed to building a more just, verdant and peaceful world. The Moth Radio Hour is presented by the public radio exchange prx.org for more about our podcast, for links to the music we use in our show. For information on pitching your own story and everything else, go to our website, themoth.org.