A Curious Case with Victoria Longwell

Summary

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The Neighborhood Listen – “A Curious Case with Victoria Longwell”

Podcast: The Neighborhood Listen
Date: December 16, 2025
Hosts: Burnt Millipede (Paul F. Tompkins), Joan Pedestrian (Nicole Parker), Doug (Brett Morris)
Guest: Victoria Longwell as Emily
Theme: Exploring the fine (and sometimes criminal) line between neighborly curiosity and boundary-crossing in the quirky town of Dignity Falls.

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Episode Overview

This episode features another deep dive into the eccentric world of Dignity Falls, focusing on a neighborhood post about a mysterious package thief—a post that leads to a revealing, hilarious, and unusually philosophical interview with the alleged culprit, Emily (Victoria Longwell). Hosts Burnt, Joan, and Doug explore themes of curiosity, social boundaries, neighborly intent, and the gray areas of morality, all through their signature mix of improv and genuine curiosity. Foley antics, holiday prep, and digressions about Dignity Falls’ unique customs add hilarity and texture to the story.

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Key Discussion Points & Segment Breakdown

1. Opening Banter: Vibes, Milk Glass, and The Foley Room (00:30–18:00)

• Podcast Vibes: The hosts riff off "Good Vibes Only" and debate its applicability to their show:
  • “Do you think that’s true?” (Burnt, 02:39)
  • Milk glass vs. dirty dishes spiral into a punchy, improv-leaning debate—"I'm so unhappy... this is the feminine overdrive like I told you about!" (Joan, 04:43)
• Feminine Overdrive: Joan’s humorous rebranding of perimenopause.
• Foley Room Fun: Introduction of Doug’s “Foley room” sound effect experiments, including carrots for nuclear blasts and discussion about how sound effects are crafted for radio and film:
  • “You can achieve a nuclear blast with a carrot.” (Doug, 12:16)
  • The hosts playfully challenge and escalate Doug’s experiments with objects to create unusual sound effects.

2. Dignity Falls Holiday Traditions & Local Color (18:00–27:00)

• Scented Holiday Misters: The town modifies their summer cooling misters with holiday scents, causing both festive moods and hospitalizations:
  • “You can’t just do pure nog!” (Joan, 19:12)
• Destination Holiday Plans: Burnt shares odd plans for a “destination Christmas” atop Wyoming's Devil's Tower, riffing on climbing, Dick Cheney, and movie references like Close Encounters and Free Solo (with comedic confusion: Han Solo as the climber):
  • "He comes from a family of smokejumpers... Crampons will be involved, from what I understand." (Burnt, 25:02)
• Regional Humor: Ongoing jabs about town customs, merchandise, and quirky traditions, setting up the episode’s tone.

3. Main Story: The Package Theft—Interview with Emily (Emily/guest: Victoria Longwell) (33:54–87:03)

a. The Post: Crime Report on the Neighborhap (Social Networking App) (34:23–36:06)

• Summary: Anahata reports seeing a stranger at her doorstep (Emily), who claims to be from the Vons grocery store, but leaves after an awkward exchange. Shortly after, her package of cat food is found missing.
• Memorable quote:
  • “She nervously said, hi, you remember me? I said, no. She said, I work at the Vons, and I stopped here to say hi to you and then drove off…” (Burnt reading, 34:38)

b. Emily’s Account—Curiosity Gone Wild (36:10–47:02)

• Admission of Guilt with a Twist:
  • "Pretty much the account they gave is accurate, except it wasn’t intended to be a theft. I do work at Vons, and I do like to say hi to my customers. And it’s tough that in this climate it gets filtered through somebody’s brain as package theft rather than just community." (Emily, 36:50)
• Motivation: She frames her actions as stemming from insatiable curiosity and desire for connection, but admits to snooping and accidentally taking the package.
• Details:
  • Emily confesses to opening the package ("I’d opened it. I’d opened the package."—41:37), claiming she panicked upon being discovered and meant no harm.

c. Hosts’ Judgment and Emily’s Rationalization (47:05–62:26)

• Defensiveness and Ethics: The hosts debate with Emily about personal responsibility versus curiosity, referencing both minor and major acts of overstepping.
• Absurd Turns:
  • The Vons employee badge system, which includes personality adjectives (“...Bob, and underneath it says surly... Biff, and underneath it says murderous.” – Joan, 43:55)
• Emily’s Backstory:
  • Divulges her journalism degree and a brief marriage (possibly to Carl Bernstein!), linking her curiosity to her former profession.
    • “She was married for seven years... Carl Bernstein? I can’t confirm or deny.” (Burnt & Emily, 56:47–57:04)

d. Past Escapades: Boundary Issues & Improvised Therapy (62:26–87:03)

• Repeat Behavior: Emily confirms she’s visited (“north of 50, south of 100”) customers at their homes stemming from checkout encounters, often using details from their purchases.
• Blanche’s Story: A poignant (and mischievous) anecdote where Emily inadvertently lives with an elderly customer named Blanche, after being mistaken for a daughter returning from college—culminating in healing a family rift and Blanche’s subsequent (possibly happiness-induced) death:
  • “She says, ‘You’re finally back from college!’ ... I lived with her for a week.” (Emily, 65:13–65:46)
• Philosophical Ramblings: Emily deflects responsibility, turning everything into a matter of curiosity or misunderstood intentions, frustrating Joan:
  • “It was wrong.” (Emily, 42:39)
  • “You have an amazing ability to sort of twist something into…make it almost sound acceptable.” (Joan, 48:09)
• Resolution: The hosts, particularly Joan, push Emily to return the cat food, but Emily repeatedly invites them to join her for moral or emotional support, arguing she’s “braving the wilderness.”
  • “Yes, I’m going to return the cat food.” (Emily, 82:14)

e. Notable Memorable Exchanges & Quotes:

• On justifying theft:
  • “You can be interested in the inner workings of the human body, but you can’t cut somebody open.” (Burnt, 42:02)
• Meta-commentary:
  • “Do you have a medical degree?” (Emily, 66:02)
• Host Frustration:
  • “You deflect a lot, and we’re running out of time.” (Joan, 81:58)
• Foley Room Callback: Ongoing sound effect bits from Doug.

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4. Wrapping Up: Reflection and Final Segments (87:03–End)

• Post-Interview Host Debate: Burnt and Joan reflect on their own tendencies for judgment and empathy, with Joan worried Emily’s curiosity masks troubling behavior, while Burnt feels unexpectedly charitable:
  • “I saw in you the ugliness in myself, and it made me more generous, I think, to Emily.” (Burnt, 90:39)
• Banter & Bits:
  • Jokes about Dignity Falls, Von’s merch, and the unique quirks of the town continue (“Year-round Halloween aisle,” 92:55).
  • Doug’s final attempts at mastering the nuclear blast Foley:
    • “At the end, what you did was you had a carrot snapping with an echo on it.” (Joan, 94:12)
• Second Listener Post:
  • A neighborhood post alarmingly lists a string of crimes in all caps—hosts riff on neighborhood paranoia and Law & Order (“He could have seen them on TV and not realize it wasn’t happening in this neighborhood.” – Joan, 95:30)
  • Music Man and “talk-singing” jokes.
• Closing:
  • Credits, advertisement for bonus content, final signature banter.

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• [36:50] Emily: “Pretty much the account they gave is accurate, except it wasn’t intended to be a theft… it gets filtered through somebody’s brain as package theft rather than just community.”
• [41:36] Joan: “I just don’t understand how panic leads you to steal something.”
• [42:02] Burnt: “You can be interested in the inner workings of the human body, but you can’t cut somebody open.”
• [65:46] Emily: “I lived with her for a week.”
• [82:14] Emily: “Yes, I’m going to return the cat food.”
• [90:39] Burnt: “I saw in you the ugliness in myself, and it made me more generous, I think, to Emily.”
• [94:12] Joan: “At the end, what you did was you had a carrot snapping with an echo on it.”

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Tone & Highlights

• Tone: Entirely playful, improvisational, clever, and sometimes absurd, with philosophical undercurrents about boundaries, intent, and community.
• Memorable Bits:
  • The “Foley Room” (sound effects with food and household objects)
  • Von’s staff name tags with personality adjectives
  • Cat food as both evidence and symbol
  • The ambiguous (and possibly apocryphal) marriage to Carl Bernstein
  • Emily’s repeated efforts to soften, deflect, and existentially reframe her actions
  • Meta-commentary on host and town dynamics
  • Ongoing sound effect gags

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For listeners new and old, this episode is a showcase of The Neighborhood Listen’s signature blend of improvised character, sly critique of small-town quirks, and keen observations of human nature—delivering both laughs and something to think about the next time you see a neighbor at your doorstep.

Transcript

[A]

Quick, choose a meal deal with McValue. The five dollar McChicken meal deal, the $6 McDouble meal deal. Or the new $7 Daily Double meal deal. Each with its own small fries, drink, and four piece of McNuggets. There's actually no rush. I'm just excited for McDonald's for a limited time only. Prices and participation may vary. Not to alter McDelivery. Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins.

[B]

And I'm Nicole Parker.

[A]

On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website.

[B]

Occasionally, we change the names of some.

[A]

Streets, and that's all you need to know.

[B]

And now, please enjoy this episode of the Neighborhood.

[A]

Listen. Knock, knock.

[B]

Who's there?

[A]

Your neighbor.

[B]

Good. Indignity falls. You're never alone. You've got the neighbor half AF and us Burn and Joan. From coyotes to male theft to weird things to sell.

[A]

We'll cover it all and meet new neighbors as well.

[B]

We'll chat about any posts you're missing. So just tune in to the neighborhood.

[C]

Listen, Here we go.

[A]

Are you done with your squeaking?

[C]

Did I squeak?

[A]

I heard little. It was like you're wearing a leather jacket or something.

[B]

Gentlemen, a leather jacket.

[A]

You know leather jacket makes noise.

[B]

It does. I'm not sure it squeaks, but.

[A]

Okay, I corrected myself.

[D]

Bad way to start.

[B]

Let's pretend leather.

[A]

Let's not include this.

[B]

Let's not include this.

[A]

I beg your pardon, Doug.

[C]

My leather jacket does squeak and I am wearing it.

[A]

I feel exonerated.

[B]

I am so sorry. Well, now I'm sor glad we're going into this energy where you're correct and I am wrong. Good abode.

[C]

Well, thank you for defending me. My honor, though, so chivalrous.

[D]

Sure.

[B]

It's that big deal. Okay. You're welcome. I'm just gonna go with your welcome. Should we start?

[A]

Yeah. Okay. We're recording.

[E]

Doug.

[A]

Yeah. Welcome to the neighborhood. Listen. This is the podcast that explores the neighborhood of Dignity Falls through the eyes of its many residents. I am one such resident. My name is Burnt Me Up. I am the pharmacist in chief of the Dignity Falls Missy. That's the pharmacy here at Dignity. I mean, we have more than one.

[B]

But that's the one that counts.

[A]

And here with me, as always, is my co host.

[B]

Joan Pedestrian. I am the top realtor.

[A]

Gave yourself a little buildup. That was fun.

[B]

My headphones were twisted.

[A]

Don't get them twisted.

[B]

But I had to just get them. I had to. I had to come correct with my headphones. Before I spoke.

[A]

You can't have those twisted around.

[B]

No, it's just not a good way to. It's just not good. It's not good vibes.

[A]

It's not that fried immaculate.

[B]

Good vibes only. Here only.

[A]

Do you think that's true?

[B]

What's the context?

[A]

Well, do. Do we have. When we do this show, do we.

[B]

Oh, you're talking about. So the context is our podcast.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Great. What are some other context I could have used?

[B]

I don't like a party Rippy.

[C]

Really good vibes only.

[A]

And what was my question going to be?

[B]

Well, I don't know. Maybe that's why I asked for context parties. You already remember. You're starting off correct and I was wrong. So just keep that in mind. All right, so let's have energy. Good vibes only people don't know that.

[A]

It was off mic.

[B]

Oh, that's right. We're cutting it right, babe? Oh, that's fun. I have a little. I have a little bowl of toffee on here, and it's a see through glass bowl. Of course it's see through because it's glass, but it's paint glass, though. You sure could.

[C]

You can frost it.

[A]

You can frost it.

[B]

That is. That's. It's. That's absolutely correct.

[A]

Like milk glass.

[B]

What's milk glass?

[A]

You can stain it. Milk glass. Is that sort of. It's. It's like you see certain kinds of coffee cups that are milk glass. They are glass, but they are, you know, sort of a color. But. So they have. But they look. They're very specific looking.

[B]

Can you use in a sentence you. Yeah, I'm still confused as to what it is.

[A]

Milk glass.

[B]

That does help origin.

[A]

The pottery store. Let me. I'll find you a picture of a milk glass.

[B]

Okay. I'm just picturing something looks like a dirty glass that someone didn't wash. So then all. Honestly, then my sink is full of milk glasses.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

Because you know that the boys in this house do not clean a single thing.

[A]

The vibe in that sink is less than a Mac. Immaculate.

[B]

It's bad.

[A]

All right. Milk glass. Ah, yes. This is perfect. This is perfect. Okay.

[B]

For everybody at home, burnt is looking up a picture of a milk glass. But there's nothing else I can tell you because that's. That's all that's happening.

[A]

It's not a milk glass.

[B]

Maybe we'll post a pic. Oh, that's not at all what I was picturing. It's so.

[A]

It's a mug.

[B]

It's a themed Mug.

[A]

It's not. No, it's not.

[B]

Why is it called a milk mug?

[A]

It's the. It's the material that it's made of.

[B]

So just white ceramic?

[A]

Yes, but it doesn't always have to be white because it doesn't always have to be white, and it's not exactly ceramic.

[B]

Then what is it? Damn it, Joan. Oh, I'm so sorry. I'm so unhappy. This is the. This is the feminine overdrive like I told you about. As people don't know, I've rebranded perimenopause as feminine overdrive. And sometimes it gets the better of me, but I'm trying to take it back. I'm trying to take it back as a positive thing.

[A]

You're trying to reclaim it.

[B]

But right now, I'm full of rage about this. Now, that's completely different. What you have just shown me is a classic tea set from the 50s. That's what that looks like to me.

[A]

I beg of you to look at the material that the things are made of.

[B]

That looks like porcelain. If you want my honest opinion, we're gonna have to put all these pictures up on the website we're talking about.

[A]

We're not doing it.

[B]

It looks like a beautiful, delicate emerald porcelain.

[A]

It does look like porcelain, but it's not really.

[B]

It's not. But it. You have to agree. It looks exactly different.

[A]

I'm gonna send you this article because this. I will not agree to that. And I'm going to show.

[B]

But the first one was, like, a white mug that said perf on it or something. What did it say on it?

[A]

Joan.

[C]

Joan, please. Joan. Bug.

[A]

Oh, a moment of tenderness.

[C]

Maybe a glass. Maybe a glass of wine, but you.

[B]

Want me to start having a glass of wine? It's nine in the morning.

[A]

Is that new for you?

[B]

This is earlier than we like to start the podcast.

[A]

Yes, but it's not the earliest you've ever had a glass of wine.

[B]

We're not going to talk about my relationship with alcohol again?

[C]

Breakfast wine.

[B]

Breakfast wine. It's been a while. I do love a breakfast wine.

[A]

You do have a breakfast wine?

[B]

I have a plate of bacon and a lovely Syrah. And I dip the bacon in it. Hey, listen, don't knock until you tried it. I'll tell you what, that gets the day going. Talk about good vibes only.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Which, by the way, do you understand now? When I gave you the context, did you ask me for. No, I asked you for context. You wanted to know if good vibes only applies to our podcast. Is that what you meant.

[A]

Yes, but then you were. You needed more context.

[B]

Well, then we got lost in the milk glass of it all.

[A]

We sure did.

[B]

And I don't want to revisit it.

[A]

Nor do I.

[B]

But I do think that we. I think we try to keep good vibes only until our guest comes on and makes you very angry.

[D]

Well, no.

[B]

It happens often.

[A]

Not always, but sometimes.

[B]

A lot of the time, Bert. I can't tell you how many times I've said to someone, well, I wish you well, and I do think you're a person. And you say, I disagree. I think you're a horrible person. That's what you say. That was my beginning impression of you. I'm working on one.

[A]

Okay, don't actually sound like me.

[B]

I was trying.

[A]

Okay, can I hear it again?

[B]

I think you're wrong. You're a horrible person.

[A]

The mirror that flatters not. I do. I will plead guilty to that. That often I have told our guests that they are horrible people.

[B]

Yes, you have.

[A]

But I feel like only when they.

[B]

Are not sure that makes a difference.

[A]

We've. It. Of course it makes a difference.

[B]

I don't think they think they are. It does. It. It doesn't. It doesn't. I wish that wouldn't happen to your voice when you say my name, honey. It's a bummer.

[A]

I'm sorry. I just called you honey. As if. Oh, wow. You were like that lawyer. Like that lawyer calling the judge, honey.

[B]

Calling a female lawyer, honey. Why did you call me honey?

[A]

The judge didn't call the lawyer, honey. Oh, the judge could get away with it. The lawyer called a female judge honey.

[B]

Oh, that's what it was. I forgot. That is worse. Do you know for a minute, I think we talked about this when it happened, I thought for a second they were out as being a couple. Coldplay concert style. That's what I thought it was.

[A]

Oh, that would be.

[B]

And I thought that was. That was very. That was very exciting to me. And it was. It was more fun than him just being, you know, a misogynistic prick.

[A]

Yeah. If that were true, they both played it off beautifully.

[B]

Beautifully, yes. And probably had passionate sex that night.

[A]

Oh, my.

[B]

Can you imagine, as you would like to say, penetrative.

[C]

Joan and I have been doing cold blank concert role play.

[A]

Doug, that's none of our business.

[C]

I'm sorry.

[B]

We go.

[A]

We like.

[B]

We're going to all the local games, the local sports games. We try to get on the jumbo, and the second it comes to us, we all. We freak out. We act like, we absolutely don't want to. You just sit down immediately? Yeah, sometimes I punched him in the face.

[A]

You just folded his arms. What did the guy do?

[C]

I think he just.

[A]

She drops out of sight like there's a trap door.

[B]

Yeah, I've been adding Trap door.

[C]

I've been adding the 6, 7 thing to it.

[B]

Oh, God.

[C]

Joan doesn't like it.

[B]

I don't like it. I hate it.

[A]

What does that mean?

[C]

It kind of looks like you're juggling a.

[A]

Wait, is there a gesture that goes along?

[B]

Oh, you better believe there is. You go, six, seven, then I do a.

[C]

What do they call it?

[B]

Dap.

[C]

A dab or a dab.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Well, wow. We're really showing our age now. We do what it's called a dab is. This is when I like to revisit the moment when you asked about something that was pop culture. I think it was this, maybe. And you asked me to explain it, and I said, I think it's just for us to feel old. And then you imitated the. The young people going, get in your grave. That's how I feel a lot of times when I have to look up something. And it should just say, go get in your grave. If you don't know what this means, go get there. Go get in there.

[A]

They really did a number on us with six, seven, because we tried to look up what it means. It doesn't tell you?

[B]

Of course not. Well, because. No, because it's not a thing. It literally means nothing. It is created to make people like us crazy. I think you just got to embrace it.

[A]

Is it the 23 skidoo of the 20th century?

[B]

I hope so, because honestly, that one I don't care for. I hate it.

[A]

You don't like 23 skidoo?

[B]

No. That sounds like some improv game that people play in college.

[C]

What don't you say Ann Tyler, too, after that?

[B]

Really?

[A]

No, that was Tippecanoe and Tyler.

[B]

What is that?

[A]

That was a political slogan that actually did have meaning. Okay, could I tell you what that meaning is?

[B]

I forgot used to have meaning. Now it's just 6, 7 all over the time.

[A]

You remember what slogans used to have.

[C]

Meaning all over the time?

[B]

We haven't talked about anything.

[A]

No, I've introduced myself. You have not.

[B]

I have.

[A]

Neither have we introduced myself.

[B]

Well, we heard you say Joan, so we know that. My name is Joan Pedestrian. I'm the top realtor here and the top local actress, if I may corre. And, oh, and the other person you're hearing Is my husband Doug.

[A]

That was almost like theatrical.

[B]

Oh, was it?

[A]

Oh, and.

[B]

Oh, I didn't see him here. I don't know if that works. Babe, where are you? Are you knocking as an entrance to start talking?

[C]

That was more of a theater of the mind.

[B]

What does that mean to you?

[C]

I mean, for people to hear a knock sound and they picture me opening the door.

[B]

So theater of our listeners minds is what you mean?

[A]

Yes, but are they picturing that they are opening the door door, or did you just not. Did you. Did you do a knock and open?

[C]

I just invited myself in.

[B]

Listen, the reason why he has the knock, and you'll probably be hearing this throughout the episode, is he always wanted to create one of those. He loves those things, like where, you know, it's like an old radio play and there's like a Foley guy. Or to the side, like squash.

[A]

Squash, exactly.

[B]

Making a sound of galoshes in the mud.

[A]

He's got a bunch of brains.

[B]

He's got. Yeah, he's got brains.

[A]

He gets calves brains. He squishes him. And it's like you're walking through a mud.

[B]

So he Cree. He's in the Foley eyeballs. So he. So he's. He's in the Foley room today. He's in the radio show Foley room. And so who know, you know, he's waiting for us to say things that he can, like, do the first time this is happening. You think that this has happened before?

[A]

I honestly can't tell you.

[B]

I don't ever remember saying Foley room on this. On this podcast. All right, That I would remember.

[A]

So, Doug, what's going on in the Foley room?

[B]

Yeah, the Foley room.

[C]

I got some carrots. I got some celery. I got some.

[A]

Are you just sharing grapes?

[B]

Are you planning on patenting something new?

[A]

Are you making lunch?

[C]

I'm sorry, do we not know what foley is?

[A]

No, we do three foods.

[B]

What kind of sounds are you hoping to achieve?

[C]

You can achieve a nuclear blast with a carrot.

[B]

I'm sorry, what?

[A]

Doug, I gotta call it. Such as?

[B]

You're gonna need to hear that at some point.

[A]

A nuclear blast.

[B]

A nuclear blast with a carrot. Is that what they did on Oppenheimer?

[A]

So many carrots they use.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Off the charts.

[B]

You know, famously, that Foley for the dinosaur, the T. Rex in Jurassic park was the sound of a koala. That's true.

[A]

I did remember.

[B]

Isn't that crazy?

[A]

Yes, it is.

[B]

So they apparently sound terrifying when they make noise.

[A]

You gotta get real close. I guess you do. You gotta stick a microphone right Right in their little snouts.

[B]

That's right. What was. That's it. That's a nuclear blood.

[C]

But if you put a bunch of effects on it, it can sound like an absolute nuclear.

[A]

You could say that of anything.

[B]

Also, how many characters.

[A]

Pieces of paper.

[C]

Can be the universe tearing apart.

[B]

It can be the universe tearing apart. That sound. That's snap paper.

[A]

Yeah. If you tear a piece of paper and then put a bunch of effects on it, it could sound like the universe tearing apart.

[B]

Like if you add like a file that says nuclear. Sound of nuclear blast.

[A]

Yeah, but you think the nuclear blast starts with a carrot being broken in half.

[B]

Are you thinking of, like the Butterfly Wing Chaos series? That what you're thinking of something tiny making somebody. I feel like you're getting them confused.

[C]

Who confused? Okay.

[B]

Me confused.

[A]

You confused response, too. I think you're getting confused. Who confused? Turn it back around on him.

[B]

It almost worked.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

It does make you sound more confused, though.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

If you put your ear right up to the speaker and it has a bunch of effects on it, that snap of a carrot can be.

[A]

The bunch of effects.

[B]

The whole point. Point is everything that you brought into the Foley room, that should be enough. That should make the sound like the.

[C]

Brain that people do. Fully, right?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

Because they often have little food things that they're stirring around and they have snapping carrots.

[A]

No one's arguing this.

[C]

Okay, but then they put a bunch of effects on it.

[A]

Okay, but. But, Doug, are you saying, like, I can't do this.

[C]

Raw dog.

[A]

Doug, are you saying.

[B]

Babe, it's too early for that phrase.

[A]

But also radio.

[B]

I haven't even had my bacon and wine yet.

[A]

In radio shows, they just. They're making the sound of people walking. Doors open. Nuclear explosions.

[B]

That's right. These were like murder mysteries, you know, like creaking doors.

[A]

And War of the Worlds did not have a nuclear explosion.

[C]

Well, it had.

[B]

It was.

[C]

Aliens had big stuff going on.

[B]

They had big stuff going on.

[A]

What are you saying? Like, you know, the lightsaber sound effect started with somebody, like, punching a pumpkin?

[B]

No, I feel like, okay, now that's good. That's good. Is that. Is that like.

[A]

We don't know it's good till we know what it's supposed to represent.

[B]

That sounds like old fashioned Foley. Do you know what I mean? That sounds like old fashioned radio.

[A]

Absolutely. It sounds like a bunch of little lines in a box. And what is that meant to represent?

[C]

Hold on. How did you know?

[B]

Was he right?

[C]

Really Calling me out.

[B]

Was he right? Is it like. Is it lines in a box.

[C]

It's limes in a box. Okay, but it's not supposed to sound like that. If you put a bunch of effects on it, it would sound like a boy to me.

[B]

It sounded like a bunch ducks running, babe. And I loved that. Wait, what a bowling out a bunch of ducks running?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, I like that.

[B]

Close your eyes and picture ducks running. Okay, go. Isn't that adorable?

[A]

I'm not getting it.

[B]

Oh, you're kidding. Perfect. Babe. That was really.

[A]

All right. Now I got it. Now I got it. I needed a bunch of effects.

[C]

The quack effect.

[A]

The quack effect.

[C]

That could be a movie.

[A]

Am I doing it?

[B]

Sure could. What would, baby? Yeah. Based on the. He does this a lot. Just like some phrase will be said. He's like, that's a movie. But then I always make him say the. The. Either the log line or just whatever the pitch is. What? What is it, babe? How about this?

[C]

How the Mighty Ducks.

[B]

What would.

[C]

Okay, go on four.

[B]

It's just the Mighty Ducks, part four, the quack effect. And can you give me what the log line on the poster would be?

[A]

Hope it starts with sometimes.

[B]

Oh, that's good. That's a good idea.

[C]

These Ducks mean business.

[B]

Okay, so this time the quack effect. These Ducks mean business.

[C]

Then with a new mushroom. A mushroom cloud in the background.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Why are you so obsessed with nuclear war? What's going on?

[C]

Nuclear blast in the back.

[B]

What? Nuclear blast.

[A]

This is a kids hockey team still.

[B]

No, they all grew up and they have business degrees.

[A]

This is just about that same Mighty Ducks.

[C]

Yes, the same Mighty Ducks. Emilio Estevez is still the coach. He's probably too old to be coaching.

[D]

Didn't he.

[A]

He got bounced from the series because he. They wanted. They were going to do a sequel and he said, I want like $5 billion. And they were like, we don't need you.

[B]

I hope it wasn't 5 billion.

[A]

You think you're the Mighty Ducks?

[C]

To be fair, I don't know. The sequels really surpass the first one.

[B]

I have not watched any of them. Yeah, I'm perfectly honest.

[A]

I'm going to have to take a guess of. The first one was the best part.

[B]

All right, well, I look forward to hearing not nuclear blasts in the next hour, but maybe some more fun things like the quack feet. I really like that. I really liked it.

[A]

The quack feet, for example.

[B]

You know, the quack feet. Did you have anything to talk about burnt?

[A]

Probably not.

[B]

Oh, come on.

[C]

Middle of December.

[B]

It sure is.

[C]

The holidays are in the Air.

[B]

And they are in the air. We have a lot of scents and fragrances that get unleashed into the air. Dignity falls. Because people love the holidays here.

[A]

They take the summertime misters that are outside of restaurants and everything.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And they start putting scented liquids in there.

[B]

Gingerbread, pine trees.

[A]

Yule, for example.

[B]

You know, like the log.

[A]

A manger.

[B]

Yeah. The smell of a manger.

[A]

Yeah. That's not popular, but it does it for religious people. It really puts them in the mood.

[B]

They absolutely love it. Myrrh.

[A]

Yeah. Frankincense. Gold. The smell of gold.

[B]

Smell of gold. Which really just smells like, you know, the rings that turn your, your, your, your fingers green. It actually smells like cheap gold.

[A]

Smells like everyone.

[B]

People enjoy it. Some people are allergic to it. It can cause problems. It does cause problems. It does cause problems.

[A]

Yeah. Every year.

[B]

Yeah. Every year people go to the hospital.

[A]

It's a busy season for the hospital this holiday season.

[B]

There was one year where they did just nog and it really, it made it hard for people to breathe. It really. Their airways. No. Yeah. What was it again?

[A]

It was just pure nog.

[B]

Oh, yeah, pure nog. You can't. You can't just do pure nog.

[A]

You gotta add the egg.

[B]

Microdose nog.

[A]

You gotta add the egg.

[B]

Egg. You have to add the egg.

[A]

But that's why the. The hospitals decorate the egg. But that's why the hospitals go all out with decorating.

[B]

Yeah. Because they know they're going to be full.

[A]

Yeah. And we have that local TV show, Hospital Holiday Wars.

[C]

I love that.

[A]

It's a great.

[B]

Yeah. Like, they compete. You know, they wrap each patient's door and then they get judged on that.

[A]

They decorate the patients.

[B]

They decorate the patients sometimes, especially if.

[A]

You'Re in a coma.

[C]

I love when they, when they compete for the patient's belongings. Like, whoever wins gets all their stuff.

[B]

It gets dark. It gets dark.

[A]

It gets dark. The patient has to have died.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

That'S when the bidding war.

[A]

They can't just take your stuff if you're just sitting for a broken leg.

[B]

I mean, these. We're not. Not totally, totally sick here. Indignant. We got some rules. Are you okay?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, okay. Maybe it was some nog that got caught in your throat.

[A]

Can you imagine? Oh, I wouldn't be here if that were the case.

[B]

It's true. Do you. Are you. And Gabby is her family, do you celebrate the holidays?

[A]

We do celebrate the holidays and we are going to. We have a destination Christmas this year.

[B]

Oh, boy. I smell an adventure coming. You are no stranger to adventure.

[A]

Maybe we are going.

[B]

Oh, where?

[A]

We're going to Devil's Tower in Wyoming.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And we're going to spend Christmas on top of the tallest butte.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Now, is this. This reminds me of when you got very angry when I told you about a guy who climbed something called the Devil's Thumb, even though it looked nothing like a thumb. And it was.

[A]

And because the range. There's a range of.

[B]

Because it's like a hand, like five fingers. But the other names are like the second cat, the first cat, it was very, very obnoxious. So I'm not familiar with this one. It's Devil's. What?

[A]

Devil's Tower. If you've seen close encounters with.

[B]

Oh, is that what that is?

[A]

That's the shape that Richard Dreyfus keeps seeing and trying to recreate with his mashed potatoes.

[B]

Well, not only that. Yeah.

[A]

Then he. Eventually he's digging up dirt and Terry Garr is like, I've had enough.

[C]

So that does look like a thumb.

[B]

Kind of does.

[A]

What looks like a thumb?

[B]

Devil Tower.

[A]

No, it doesn't.

[B]

It doesn't.

[A]

Do you have. Do you have any thumbs that are perfectly squared off? Flat top.

[D]

Thumbs up.

[B]

Personal question. Burns.

[A]

Well, you introduced a personal question.

[B]

I don't like to talk about my dad. Digits.

[A]

You're very reticent to talk about your fingers.

[B]

I'm very weird about my fingers.

[A]

Don't like to talk about your toes.

[B]

I don't. But fingers especially.

[A]

Barely. Talk about your nose and ears.

[B]

Well, remember when I asked you what my feature was that stands out to you and you just said face.

[A]

I do remember that.

[B]

So, okay, the Devil's Tower just looks like that big sort of like almost egg shaped thing that he. That he made out of mashed potato shaped. What do you think it's shaped like? It's certainly not. What does Devil's Tower mean? It's shaped like a tower Shaped like the Devil's Tower. How do you know what it looks like? I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

[A]

I can't believe I have to do more.

[B]

Oh, he's sending me a picture.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Look at that egg.

[B]

It looks. How dare you?

[A]

How dare me? How dare you, sir.

[C]

Both of you.

[B]

But I don't remember. And then that's it. Both of you.

[C]

This is not the yuletide.

[B]

It's not good vibes only right now, everybody. I'm so sorry. We're gonna be working on get. Getting back to good vibes only. It's weird vibes only right Now. But you're gonna sleep on top. Is that allowed? Are you allowed to spend the night on top of it?

[A]

You're not. And it's gonna be quite a feat getting up there.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

But the view is beautiful.

[B]

Okay, is this one of the more dangerous is even legal to climb it? Do you know? Okay, it doesn't look like it. It looks sheer cliff face, but, you know, because it looks like the El Capitan.

[A]

It. It does look like the El Capitan.

[E]

Yes.

[B]

Do you know what I'm talking about?

[A]

Of course I do.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

What is the.

[B]

Oh, no. What's your question, babe?

[C]

I just need a refresh.

[B]

Oh, you need to remember what El Capitan is.

[C]

What El Capitan is.

[B]

Am I just saying it weird? Is that El Capitan? What's weird about that? The El Capitan, I don't know if it's weird or not, is it's one of the most famous rock formations in the Yosemite Valley, but it's also just the most dangerous. One of the most dangerous ones to climb because, like, you're climbing up a wall. And then they made that famous documentary about it with that kind of strange man who was also very impressive. And it's called. I don't know, like, Lonely Man.

[C]

Oh, I couldn't stand that.

[A]

Lonely Man.

[B]

What's it called?

[C]

Freestyling, or where.

[B]

It's not called freestyling, but it's the.

[A]

Guy who has the thing missing from his brain, so he doesn't. He's not afraid.

[C]

Han Solo, that guy.

[A]

Han Solo. Yes. They called it Han Solo.

[B]

It's called Lonely Man. And it's about this guy, Han Solo, who climbs the El Capitan.

[A]

Han Solo was a lonely man. When you think about it, he sure was his best friend. They couldn't speak the same language. They could understand each other.

[B]

So how.

[A]

Yeah, but they obviously came from very different cultures.

[B]

Obviously. Anyways, it's like that, babe. Do you remember that now?

[A]

I do remember that now, Doug.

[C]

Upsetting.

[B]

So you're gonna. How are you gonna get up there?

[A]

Well, that's up to Gabby's family, because they are the. The climbers and jumpers.

[B]

They are real daredevils.

[A]

They are real daredevils. She comes from a family of smokejumpers, so they. They are very adventurous. And crampons will be involved, from what I understand. Came up last time and. Yeah.

[B]

Although I thought you only needed them for ice. Is there going to be ice on. On the top right now? Now? I guess it would.

[A]

I hope not. I mean, Wyoming might be.

[B]

Yeah. I don't think. Severe weather there. I've never been.

[A]

I've never been either, but apparently, I guess the late Dick Cheney left behind a bunch of equipment that nobody knew about. And because of their fire department connections, too soon to talk about anything related to the late Vice President Dick Cheney.

[B]

Okay, go on.

[A]

Beloved by everyone.

[B]

Okay, so he left behind. What now?

[A]

He left behind a bunch of equipment. Apparently he used to go up there all the time.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yes. He would. He would come in from Jackson Hole and he would just say, I go up there.

[B]

Great, Great.

[A]

Top of Devil's Tower.

[B]

Yep. You nailed him. You captured him. So he's. You're going to just use that equipment? You're using Dick Cheney's equipment?

[A]

Gabby's family's gotten a hold of it.

[B]

Okay. They've got a hold of it.

[A]

Dick Cheney's Devil Towers scaling equipment.

[B]

This sounds like a solid plan. What could go wrong?

[A]

Well, I mean, they've done things like this before.

[B]

They have used previous deceased vice president's tools to do things before.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Is it just like a. What's that? Oh, I just picture his scaling equipment being like a. A lift, like a wheelchair, chair, elevator.

[B]

He's picturing the thing that you take up the stairs. You know, it's like a little ride.

[A]

Like it goes all the way around.

[C]

Him, just muttering one of those.

[A]

Yeah, here we go. Almost at the top.

[B]

That doesn't seem quite real.

[A]

Degraded with flowers.

[B]

Chocolate seemed realistic, but. And so I say, I even wonder what the top looks like. Is there even a flat surface for you to.

[A]

It's very flat up.

[B]

Tender to lay down a sleeping bag.

[A]

Very flat.

[B]

It's very flat.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

You've done all your research.

[B]

It sounds like maybe flags planted.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, great.

[A]

People that have been up there, maybe extraterrestrial.

[B]

And you're celebrating Christmas up there.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, great. Well, I have no more questions. How long have we been talking?

[A]

Babe, we should probably take a break.

[B]

We probably should.

[A]

I don't think we need the 10 minutes.

[B]

No, we don't, because it's going to take an extra 10 minutes. Yeah, that's fine.

[A]

Yeah. All right. Thanks, everybody.

[B]

Yeah, thanks, everybody.

[A]

We'll be right back with more of the neighborhood. Listen.

[F]

Hi, this is Kai. I got a home movie theater wall decor, steel popcorn, handmade doll dollars.

[E]

Thank you to Aura Frames for sponsoring this show.

[G]

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[E]

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[G]

Indeed.

[E]

You could just upload photos of your loved ones and then give somebody the frame and they just see those photos and videos on a rotating basis.

[G]

That's right, because you can preload that frame with photos before it even ships. How is that for friggin personal?

[E]

It's really, really good. You can share photos and videos effortlessly. It's perfect for, you know, new grandparents or you want to give something to your loved ones this holiday season. And yeah, yes, there's a gift box included. Every frame comes packaged in a premium gift box with no price tag.

[G]

Now see, that's good because if you're like, I forgot about the holidays. I need to ship something fast. But it's going to look impersonal. It's going to arrive in a big brown box. No, it's going to arrive in a beautiful gift box with no price tag.

[E]

So don't wait. Win the holidays now with Aura Frames. For a limited time, you can save on the perfect gift by visiting auraframes.com to get dollar off Aura's best selling Carver Matte frames named number one by Wirecutter.

[G]

Wow. Just use the promo code headgum at checkout. That's a u r a frames.com with the promo code Headgum. The deal is exclusive to listeners and frames sell out fast. So order yours now to get it in time for the holidays. Support the show you're listening to right now by mentioning us at checkout. Terms and conditions. Conditions obviously apply.

[E]

Thank you Aura Frames.

[G]

And thank you listener.

[B]

Hey, Paul.

[C]

Huh?

[B]

It's me, Nicole.

[A]

Hi.

[B]

I'm sorry I woke you from your nap.

[A]

How did you get in here?

[B]

The door was open. You should lock your door when you're napping.

[A]

Me? That's on me.

[B]

All right, well, here. Now that you're awake, can I at least tell you something? Because I couldn't wait. Listen, the holidays are almost here.

[A]

Oh my God. That's right. Hello.

[B]

You can't be nappy. Can't be sleeping on the holidays, Paul. And. And if you still have names on your list, don't panic. And I feel like you panicked a little already, but don't panic anymore. Panic. Not uncommon goods. Makes holiday shopping stress free. It says Stress Dre, but I know that's a typo.

[A]

It does say stress.

[B]

I bet you. Cuz Stress Dre, that's not going to help you. Whatever.

[A]

I want to be that either.

[B]

No. Stress free and joyful. With thousands of One of a kind gifts you cannot find anywhere else. Don't even try it. You'll discover presents that feel meaningful and personal. Never rushed or last minute.

[A]

Now, if this is the Uncommon Goods I'm thinking of. Uncommon Goods looks for products that are high quality, unique, and often handmade or.

[B]

Made in the U.S. yes, it is that same Uncommon goods.

[A]

Oh, but that's true. Then many are crafted by independent artists and small businesses. So every gift feels special and thoughtfully chosen. Do you have any personal experience with this?

[B]

I do. And here's the thing. There really are very clever gifts that are tailor made. They seem tailor made for things like. For example, I have a six year old son and he's very into science and he's also very into Advent calendars. I already got him a chocolate one. He wants a second one. He can't have that. That's too much chocolate. I'm a good mom. I got him a scientific experiment Advent calendar. There's like a little scientific experiment you do every single day, which I think is kind of a fantastic idea. It's good for your brain and it won't rot your teeth and it leads.

[A]

Up to him becoming the fly. Is that correct?

[B]

Yeah. Well, you sure hope not.

[A]

Uncommon Goods has something for everyone. From mom and dads to kids and teens, from book lovers and sports fan to foodies, mixologists and gardeners. The holy trinity. You'll find unforgettable gifts that are anything but ordinary.

[B]

When you shop at Uncommon Goods, you are supporting artists and small independent businesses, which I also love. Every purchase is a chance to choose something remarkable and feel good about where your money goes.

[A]

And Nicole, with every purchase you make it. Uncommon Goods. They give back $1 to a nonprofit partner of your choice. They've donated more than $3.1 million to date.

[B]

Aren't you glad I w you up?

[A]

I really am.

[B]

So don't wait. Make this holiday the year you give something truly unforgettable. To get 15 off your next gift, go to uncommongoods.com TNL that's uncommongoods.com T&L for 15 off. Do not miss out on this limited time offer. Uncommon Goods were all out of the ordinary. Now you can go back to sleep.

[D]

Paul.

[B]

With stays under $250 a night. Verbo makes it easy to celebrate. Sweater weather. Book a cabin with leaf views or a home with a fire pit for nights with friends with stays under $250 a night. Find a home for your exact needs. Book [e-mail] the buckaroonies for this one.

[F]

Because look at it. It is steel. It's very nice piece made from steel. Great condition. This is solid and heavy. Handmade work of art created for your home theater. Has many hooks on the back.

[B]

Dandy.

[F]

Hang on your movie theater wall. That's why it's $50. It's just got these really quality hooks, and there's a lot of them. Measures approximately 17 by 8. 17 inches tall by 8 inches wide. That is, now that I look at it, maybe probably should have gotten some better lighting. I do realize that this popcorn bag looks not only as if it's been compromised because animals have taken bites out of it, but but also the popcorn coming out of it. It looks green. It looks gross. And I showed you the back of it, which I think has the signature of the original steel artiste that made this. So in some ways, if it didn't say popcorn, it would be indistinguishable what this is. But still, I gotta charge 50 bucks for it. It's too darn special.

[A]

And welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen, Joan, it's that time.

[B]

It sure is. And I appreciate the tone that you brought us back in with. It really felt good. Vibes only.

[A]

I hope so.

[B]

It did. It really did.

[A]

I want to keep the vibes only. Only immaculate. All right. As we do every week, we comb the neighborhap, the social networking application for neighborhoods. We look for interesting people in our neighborhood to talk to. Maybe they want to amplify their message. Maybe they need to be held to account. Whatever the case, we bring them in here and we talk to them. And if you see a post that you think we should talk about, why don't you screenshot it and send it to [e-mail] and I think this might be from a listener. Let me just double check that.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Yes. No, it isn't. Oh, we found this one.

[B]

We found this one. We did the work.

[A]

Good for us. All right. This was posted in the crime and safety section by someone named Anahata.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Package theft is the headline. I came home today to find our front gate open, and I'm pretty sure I just missed the thief. I had to pull in around her car in a postal truck. I got out to see why the gate to our yard was open and locked eyes with a woman in her car right in front of my gate. She nervously said, hi, you remember me? I said, no. She said, I work at the Vons, and I stopped here to say hi to you and then drove off. I don't Know anyone at the Vons and definitely have never seen this one woman. Why would someone from Vons come to my house? Anyway? The exchange death seemed off and felt like something was up. When I got in, I saw our Amazon notification that our cat food had just been delivered while I was out and it was not there. Anyway, she was a small brown haired woman in a white car. It's like that Holly song. I did not get her photo since she left quickly. Worth keeping an eye out. Glad it was only cat food. Food. Person, one hair brown. Age 30s. Sex female. Physical build, small vehicle. One color white. Other small car.

[B]

It really lists the number of person, the number of vehicles.

[C]

It does.

[D]

Wow.

[A]

Yeah. So there was not one person with two vehicles?

[B]

No, because there was. In case there was some confusion.

[A]

Yes, because she did name two vehicles. Just so you know, this one person was responsible for just the one.

[B]

Right, Right now.

[A]

Now Anahata is not here. Instead we have the person that Anahata was posting about. Would you please introduce yourself and welcome to the Newborn. Listen.

[D]

Oh, yes, hello. My name is Emily. Thank you so much for having me.

[B]

Nice to meet you, Emily.

[D]

I've just been desperate to be here.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

We got a big little incident that happened. A big little one.

[B]

Big little incident. Big little one. We deal with a lot of those. Oh, I love that houses in that show.

[D]

And you know, I liked what you were saying.

[B]

So much awkward angry sex.

[A]

So much angry sex. So many houses.

[D]

And don't you love to know those things about people?

[B]

I do, absolutely. That's my favorite. Now here we want to know about you. Can you tell us from your perspective what happened? Tell us your side of the story.

[D]

My side of the story is that I was there. I did say hi. Do you remember me? I work at Bonds. That's true.

[B]

Okay. Okay.

[D]

Pretty much the account they gave is accurate, except it wasn't intended to be a theft. I do work at Bonds and I do like to say hi to my customers. And it's tough that in this climate it gets filtered through somebody's brain as package theft rather than just community.

[A]

Do you make a regular habit of finding out where your shoppers live?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

And just going to their homes to say hi?

[B]

Yes. But when you say it's too bad, it was sort of perceived or depicted as a theft. Did you take her cat food?

[D]

Well, yes.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

Okay. And I know what you're thinking, but sure, yes.

[B]

But I change our minds.

[D]

I didn't want to take it. I simply wanted to know what the package was because I like to know about my customers. I like to know about people. I'm insatiably curious.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

And they arrived as. I was sort of. You know, I was snooping. I'll admit to snooping. I can admit to it.

[B]

So I. Hang on. You're. You're. You're parked in your white car.

[D]

My white car.

[B]

And you see small white car. You. And you are. I can't. I can just tell everybody that this is a small person. Small build. You have brown hair. You're one woman.

[D]

I am one woman. Just one woman.

[B]

You're just one. I understand. Just one woman. On podcast.

[D]

Small.

[A]

Standing in front of a microphone.

[B]

Standing in front of a microphone. So you are sitting in your car. Yes. And then you see the Amazon delivery person come. Is that how it happened?

[D]

Well, yeah. A postal truck.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Yes, sure.

[B]

But you're the there before the delivery happened.

[D]

But yeah.

[A]

Where are you in the process of. Are you just waiting for this person to come home? For Anahata to come home?

[B]

Yes.

[D]

Well, honestly, it's a. It's a. It's a. The street is littered with customers, so it didn't have to be Anaha. Littered with customers. I mean, Vons is a popular store, and we have the Starbucks in there. So, you know. Yes, you can get a Starbucks.

[B]

It's the only Starbucks we have in Dignity Falls. It's the only one we would allow. Because it's housed within the Vons.

[D]

That's right. And when it opens.

[C]

Vaughn.

[B]

It is the only Vaughn.

[D]

That's right. And when both opened, they gave everyone the day off school.

[B]

They did. Because no one had ever had a Frappuccino before. No.

[D]

And you have to have a Frappuccino.

[A]

You have to have a Frappuccino bouncing off the wall.

[D]

It was really something. Wow.

[C]

Except the band, they played the. The ceremony. The opening ceremony.

[D]

Well, that's right. They didn't have the full day off. That's true.

[A]

But they love music, so they did.

[B]

For the opening of Starbucks, babe, we are the champ.

[D]

And wasn't that fitting?

[A]

It really was.

[D]

All winners.

[A]

We all felt like champions that day.

[C]

It's true.

[B]

It's true. Okay, so I think the. I think the question is, you said that you were already mid Snoop, so what does that look like? Were you outside of your car at that point when the. When the postal delivery truck arrived?

[D]

Yes. Oh, well, yes. Okay. Yes, I was outside of my car. Just seeing.

[B]

Yes. Just because I suggested. I don't want her to keep changing her story just based on what we're saying.

[C]

It did.

[A]

Seems like she was agreeing, like, capitulating.

[B]

Maybe a little bit. I'm not. I don't want to be feeding you words, so we'll just talk.

[D]

But I want the vibes to be good. I really. So far, they're great.

[B]

Emily. So far, they're great.

[D]

I really appreciate what you're saying about the vibes.

[B]

I mean, they're great and curious. Okay. Just like you. I'm curious about a lot of things. So. So where were you when you saw the package delivered?

[D]

When the postal truck arrived, I was in my car.

[B]

You were?

[D]

Okay. But then as they laid the package down, I thought, oh, this street. I know who lives here. I've been wanting to say hi to them. I haven't checked in yet. I'm going to just see what this package is. Maybe it's their birthday. Maybe it's flowers, you know, and that can make my hello all the more specific.

[A]

Love ordering boxes of flowers from Amazon love box flowers.

[D]

Well, okay, but to be fair, I didn't know it was an Amazon box just yet.

[A]

Oh, sure.

[B]

I just got it. Got it.

[C]

Of course.

[D]

Because of flowers. Yes, but it wasn't. It was an Amazon box, and it was cat food.

[B]

Huh?

[D]

Nulo.

[B]

Oh.

[D]

Anyway.

[A]

Did you say nulo?

[D]

Nulo. N U L O. Expensive.

[A]

I thought you were saying you had hit a new low.

[B]

New low for.

[A]

By investigating a box.

[B]

I wasn't gonna disagree.

[D]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

You know, curiosity is very natural, and we should be more.

[B]

Curiosity sure is.

[D]

And that's right.

[B]

And, you know, so it was new low, cat food. And then what happens?

[D]

I see that. I think, oh, this isn't that interesting. But then I see. Well, it wasn't.

[B]

It wasn't fair to be fair.

[D]

But then I see. And we don't carry it at fon, so I understand why they had to.

[B]

Order out for it.

[D]

So then I see them approaching in their car, and I think, oh, no, I do understand how this looks. Okay, I'd best just get back in my car and then approach the hello more naturally. But I took the package. I panicked and I took the package.

[A]

Oh, no.

[B]

I just don't understand how panic leads you to steal something.

[D]

Well, I'd open it.

[B]

Don't get the panic.

[D]

I'd opened it. I'd opened the package.

[A]

Oh, well, that's illegal.

[B]

So is stealing it and bringing it into your car.

[D]

See, this is what's hard. You know, I'm doing a thing. I'm being very vulnerable coming on here.

[B]

That is true.

[A]

That's true.

[D]

And I'm taking your request for good vibes only very seriously.

[B]

I do appreciate it.

[D]

Where it's like, steal, illegal. And I'm saying no. I'm just. I'm taking an interest.

[A]

Sure, but you could be interested in the inner workings of the human body, but you can't cut somebody open.

[D]

Well, no, and I wouldn't do that. I wouldn't do that.

[A]

Right. But she. Here's the thing. What's your name?

[B]

Emily.

[A]

Emily.

[B]

Here's the thing.

[C]

Emily.

[D]

That's okay. Normally I'd have a name tag.

[A]

I can understand. That's true. I can understand you panicking. You're holding onto the package. You're like, well, if I put it down, it'll look like I was stealing it. If I just gotta. I gotta get out of here. But the opening it under no threat of discovery, that's. That looks bad.

[D]

It was wrong. It was wrong.

[A]

It was wrong. Okay. That's all I needed.

[B]

So did you put it in your car? But she hadn't seen you. Right. Because she didn't see you until you were back in your car. That's right. So how did. How did that work? You were able to just get back in your car?

[D]

Well, and I. I know this about Anahata, because when Anahata comes through the checkout line, always on her phone, it's not surprising to me that she doesn't feel like she recognizes me. You learn things in a place like a grocery store, about the people who shop there.

[A]

Absolutely.

[D]

Anyway, getting close to your home, looking at her. You shouldn't do it when you're driving. It's so dangerous. People have children who live in the neighborhood.

[B]

You're not wrong. I'll agree with that.

[A]

Can I say you shouldn't do it in the checkout either? Because I'm a pharmacist. And when people come up to the counter.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

And they're looking at their phones and they're. They're. They don't even look at me to talk to me sometimes.

[D]

That's right. And it's so dehumanizing. And then you know what happens?

[A]

And that's what I say to them. I say, you're dehumanizing me.

[B]

Oh, and you yell it like that.

[D]

Well. But just.

[A]

Well, I'll raise my voice.

[B]

And, you know, it's interesting because Ad. This is the special thing about the Vons that we have is that, you know, like, at places like Disneyland, it'll have someone's name, but then the city they're from. But at Vons, It's. It's. You get an adjective for your personality. So I'm assuming is yours Emily. And then underneath is curious.

[D]

You nailed it. And it feels good to be seen.

[A]

Great gesture.

[D]

It feels so good to be seen.

[B]

They're not. I mean, like, there's a guy named Bob, and underneath it says surly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And there's a guy named Biff. And underneath this is murderous. I mean, like, some of them are really descriptive in a scary way, but you get to pick your adjectives.

[D]

Oh, but you know, Biff, Biff, Biff, Biff. Rough edges, but nice. When you get to know him, you know, you just gotta dig. You just gotta.

[B]

Why would you pick murderous as your adjective?

[A]

Well, I was trying to push people away.

[D]

That's right.

[B]

And it's working.

[D]

You just assume nobody reads them. I can't.

[B]

And he works in the pastry department.

[A]

It does make me. It does make one. It gives one pause when they're ordering something.

[B]

Gives one pause.

[A]

It's like, do you make them?

[B]

That's what he gives. It's giving pause.

[D]

Biff does make them, and they're delicious, though.

[B]

Have you had one of the turnover? He makes a hell of a sheet cake.

[D]

Thank you.

[A]

You, I'm afraid, especially anything with almonds involved. I'm like, he's gonna put cyanide in there.

[B]

Well, it's art. Sometimes the art gets a little violent. Like, there's always, like, if he uses red frosting, like, that's blood. You can tell.

[A]

Yeah, he. He did make a birthday cake for one of the gang at the pharmacy, and it was La pieta.

[D]

On a cake.

[A]

On a sheet cake.

[D]

Okay. A little.

[A]

Very graphic, too.

[B]

It was a delicious raspberry filling, but it was really, really.

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[D]

I see. I see. It was bleeding. Do you know I actually dated Biff for a minute.

[B]

Because you were curious.

[D]

I was curious. I wanted to get under his skin, see what was going on, what made him tick.

[B]

Was he a generous lover?

[D]

I love that you asked that. Okay, we're not asking these questions enough. Generous.

[B]

Thank you.

[D]

We're strangers, but we're not strangers. You know, we live in the. In the same place.

[B]

I have to say that it is quite a quick response to when someone is suspecting you of something and you're caught and they say, what's going on? To say, I know you, or whatever it is.

[D]

I said, hi. Do you recognize me? I drew immediate attention to my face, that this person would never forget what I look like. It outs me right away as being innocent of Any mal. Intent? Because I.

[A]

Maybe.

[B]

But can I ask this? Why didn't you give her the cat food back? Because it doesn't sound like you did.

[D]

How would you have liked it if I handed you your cat food?

[B]

I would have said thank you. I don't. I have. My cat, Bananas, has been missing for years.

[A]

But, you know, I saw Bananas again.

[B]

No way.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Where?

[A]

I saw Bananas at the bank.

[C]

Really?

[A]

He was behind the counter wandering around. Nobody was acknowledging him.

[D]

Really?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

At the bank. Did you say anything like him?

[A]

But now. And he looked at me and looked away.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[D]

And that hurts.

[B]

So anyways, it did hurt. The point. The point is, is I would be so happy if I lost something and someone returned it to me. So I. I don't. You're gonna have to give me a little bit more of an explanation about why you didn't give it back to her.

[A]

Also, you could have given it back later. You didn't have to give it back.

[B]

This is what I'm saying. Absolutely. You could have put it back on the doorstep. Sometimes we say, this is what I'm saying. And. And it means no. I agree with you.

[A]

Oh, is it that part?

[B]

That part.

[D]

I just so badly want her to like me, you know?

[B]

Yeah. I don't think this is the way to go about it.

[D]

Well, but I'm just saying that. I'm just saying people conceal things that they know will put someone off because they don't want to put them off.

[B]

Are you talking about yourself?

[A]

They conceal things. Could you walk me through that again?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, I'm trying to.

[A]

People conceal things.

[D]

If you did something.

[B]

So.

[D]

An indiscretion, perhaps.

[A]

Sure.

[D]

Would you. You tell your partner right away or might you try and conceal it? I'm not saying it's the right thing to do, but I'm saying it is a human instinct.

[A]

Absolutely. Yes, I understand what you're saying. And yes, you don't tell everyone every sordid little detail about yourself. Upon first meeting.

[D]

I was sure.

[B]

But in this case, what you're concealing is cat food that is hers that you took.

[A]

Yeah. So she's directly involved in your.

[B]

That. That's a great example because. And I know you don't like the word steal, but it's.

[D]

I feel neutral on the world steel. I don't like when it's a.

[B]

Well, I'm not surprised you do. And you, you know, you. I will give her this. She has an amazing ability to sort of twist something into, say, and are we all like that or are we going to make it sort of sound like it's almost acceptable. But I don't want you to fall in that trap because I do think that this was theft. And I do think. Emily, I do think.

[A]

Burnt. I'm here too.

[B]

I'm sorry, babe.

[C]

Sure. Doug. Doug.

[B]

Awful quiet in there, by the way. That's my husband, Doug. He's in different room. You can hear him.

[D]

Hi, Doug. You know, you strike me as an Amy's burrito kind of man. Is that true?

[B]

Oh.

[C]

Oh, is it?

[B]

Is it?

[C]

Take it. Take a listen to this.

[D]

Sunny D. If my ears are right, I'm gonna say sunny D. Doug, is it sunny D?

[B]

Is it sunny D?

[C]

It absolutely could be.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[A]

It's a sound effect. Sound effect?

[B]

What is it really? Really? Is it not even liquid pouring into a glass? How'd you make that sound?

[D]

Was it practical?

[A]

How you could do that?

[D]

Was it practical or are there effects on it?

[C]

There are no.

[B]

Are there effects on it?

[C]

Hashtag, no filter. That was actually water pouring straight down my. My gullet.

[B]

It was?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Your. Your gullet makes that sound. It sounds like it's actually stopping at the bottom and not going all the way down your esophagus. I mean, your wind beer stuff. Yeah, your esophagus.

[C]

Yeah, not my windpipe, I hope.

[B]

I mean, it didn't sound like you were able to swallow any of it. It sounded like it was just honestly going into a glass. Do you still have to get back on track? Yes. Do you still have the cat food?

[D]

You know what? I do still have the cat food.

[B]

And actually, I have no excuse for this, Joan. No, I. I'm sorry that I'm somehow personally offended you by saying something that I would say to my own children.

[A]

But look, we're all adults here. There is no excuse for this, Emily.

[D]

Okay, well, fine. I'm happy to work through this with the two of you.

[B]

Okay, great.

[D]

What do you think should be my next steps, and will you do it with me now?

[B]

Why does that have to be a part of it? I didn't take it.

[D]

Joan, this doesn't have to be so negative.

[A]

Well, Emily, I feel like you want. I commend your curiosity and your desire to connect with neighbors, but you cannot do all of this solely on your terms. So just because it would be easier. Easier for you to have Joan accompany you as you return this purloin cat food?

[D]

I don't know that it'd be easier. Joan seems pretty against me. I don't know that it'd be easier, but it could be Nice.

[B]

I'm sorry that you're characterizing me being against you.

[D]

I'm so sorry you're so against me. You had to say part of it twice.

[B]

I had. The twins are watching so much Family Guy right now, and it's just getting into my family.

[A]

My first hoe was Popeye.

[D]

Do they say giggity on family? No.

[B]

I thought there was a character who spoke like that. No.

[A]

There might be.

[B]

Maybe they were watching Popeye. I couldn't see it. I could only.

[C]

Guy's never stolen anything from previous cartoons.

[B]

I didn't.

[D]

I didn't.

[B]

I just heard it be admired and it just stuck in my head. I'm talking, of course, about my twin boys, Matt and Sciaticus. And Sciaticus.

[D]

I have real trouble with my Sciaticus.

[B]

This was when you do. Well, this is when Gladiator came out and Duck really wanted some sort of type of name.

[A]

Did you want. You wanted Atticus from To Kill a Mockingbird.

[D]

Oh, and you say so this was.

[B]

The no brainer we knew we wanted bad no brainer. But then the other one we wanted to. We wanted to Blue sky it.

[C]

Yeah. Good compromise. No one is happy at the end.

[B]

Including Sciaticus. Okay, so what I mean to say is, before I got all Popeye, is that I'm sorry that when I'm talking about you actually stealing something.

[D]

Something.

[B]

You're characterizing me as being against you. Let's think of me as being for people having their property returned to them. Can I ask you something?

[A]

Have you ever the look Emily gave you, Joan? Was I? One of the most patronizing things I've ever seen.

[D]

The thing is, is I thought that Joan was going to make it. Let me characterize it as being for you righting a wrong or something. I thought it was going to be for me, but it was still for me.

[B]

Sure, but you don't believe that you've done a wrong. And so how do I do that?

[D]

I could be persuaded.

[B]

You can.

[D]

I said it was a mistake.

[B]

Okay, but then why wouldn't you want to correct the mistake?

[A]

I do.

[D]

I desperately do. I'm trying to get you to understand that it's not as easy as you think.

[B]

I really disagree with that.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

What you put. You know what you could do?

[A]

Come with me, Emily.

[B]

Nope. You know what? You could truly have it. You could put it in a box, have the same person delivered right back to her. Right Bernt. And that way it's anonymous and she has no idea the it was you. Unless she listens to this Podcast you.

[A]

I. I mean, if you really look. What. What. What is preventing you from just going to this person's house and putting the cat food on the front porch?

[B]

Good question, Bert.

[A]

Thank you, Jo.

[D]

I suppose then it'll be very final, won't it?

[B]

Ah, so like the end of a chapter. This is the end of an. An encounter with another human. Human being, yes. Okay, well, now I gotta ask a couple other questions then. So do you live alone? Are you in a relationship?

[D]

Not at the moment.

[A]

How tall are you?

[D]

I'm five' two.

[B]

Okay, small. We already know that description.

[A]

I just needed. I wanted it.

[D]

But we needed a number on.

[B]

Now what does that mean? What can you talk a little bit about when you were in relationships? I'm talking about the relationship. You said not anymore or not now. So you were.

[D]

I was.

[B]

Well, obviously that A little bit. Okay, Are we counting that as a. That. That. How long did you date?

[D]

Well, yes, I am. I. Biff counts.

[B]

That's fine. Biff counts.

[D]

I was married.

[B]

You were. Okay.

[D]

I was married for seven years. Isn't that the length? It's either seven or 30.

[B]

Okay. I wasn't sure the length, the context of the length. But yes, the seven year. It's fine. Sure. And what was this person's name?

[D]

Carl.

[B]

Carl. Okay, tell us a little bit about Carl.

[A]

Great husband name.

[D]

Carl. Great, great husband name. And I thought that too when I said yes, I name's Carl.

[B]

That sounds like someone's husband.

[D]

That's right. Could be mine. Emily and Carl. Carl and Emily. Doesn't it sound great? Oh, my gosh. And nobody ever fun mashup Emma. Laurel.

[B]

Oh, no, Emma.

[D]

Laurel doesn't work as well.

[B]

But I still like the fm, you know, like Emeril.

[A]

Oh, sure.

[D]

Emerald.

[A]

I thought that was one of Doug's sound effects.

[B]

Oh, you sound like a nuclear blast.

[A]

Bam.

[B]

Is that the special Oppenheimer?

[A]

Bam.

[B]

Just a placeholder. They forgot about. This goes bam.

[A]

We forgot to put that in.

[C]

Hold on.

[B]

Oh, okay. Hold on. Emily. Sorry about this.

[D]

No, I love it.

[B]

What is going on? What are you doing?

[C]

Did you hear it?

[B]

A little snap? I heard one carrot shoot. Oh, gosh. Okay, back to the carrot.

[C]

Broken in so many small pieces.

[A]

Did you think that was going to translate into a nuclear explosion?

[D]

It was so small. It was a very gentle darn.

[B]

Even Emily says it's small. Babe.

[C]

Working on the effects.

[B]

Okay, so tell us about Carl. What did he do for a living?

[D]

Carl? Well, Carl was a journalist. And actually that had been my interest as well. Oh, wow. Makes sense.

[A]

Oh, because you're so interested in.

[D]

Barbara Walters said, you have to be curious. That's the one rule of the job.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

So then how did you. So the one rule, the only rule of the job.

[D]

There's almost everything else is a suggestion. This is the ridiculous.

[A]

I don't know about that.

[D]

I seem to be very controversial, but, you know, this is just what I think.

[B]

Okay, that's fair. So you said. Talk a little bit more about that. You said you would want to go into journalism. What happened?

[D]

Well, I did. I actually, that's what I studied in school.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

I graduated summa cum laude in journalism.

[B]

Congratulations. And then what happened?

[D]

Oh, you know, I just. I felt isolated. I think you have to go out, you have to seek out a story. But I'll tell you what. I ended up working at Vons as a little, you know, survival. This is what I'm gonna do until I find where I'm gonna plant myself. And then I found. What if I plant myself here? There's endless subject matter because now people.

[A]

Are coming to you.

[D]

People are coming.

[B]

Were you thinking ever? Oh, I'm gonna write about it someday. I don't know.

[A]

You would be the Studs Terkel of Vaughn's.

[B]

You know, was it.

[E]

Who.

[D]

What's that?

[A]

Studs Terkel.

[D]

I don't know this.

[A]

He was a writer who traveled all over America and interviewed all sorts of people. People from all walks of life.

[D]

What a dream. Well, sounds wonderful.

[B]

How so then how long you been working at Vons?

[D]

12 years. Wow. Yes.

[B]

And. And so then what happened with Carl? Why did that relationship fall apart?

[D]

Well, I think, you know, we were just in different places. Carl's journalism was really taking off.

[B]

Who did he write for?

[A]

What?

[B]

What. What post?

[D]

I won't say which one. Just so he can have a little anonymity.

[B]

We have two. We have the dignity post. The Falls post.

[A]

Can I.

[B]

What?

[A]

Ask a question. I'm going to ask a direct question.

[D]

I love the questions.

[A]

Carl Bernstein.

[B]

I was just about to ask that, too.

[A]

Were you married to Carl Bernstein? For seven years.

[D]

I can't confirm or deny.

[A]

This is the first thing she's been evasive about.

[D]

Wow. Well, it's because it doesn't have to do with me, myself. I'm an open book. Somebody else I do have to pretend.

[A]

Of a big deal.

[B]

I mean, I wasn't aware. I guess I never thought about who he was married to or who he wasn't married to. I haven't really thought about it, but. So I guess it's Possible.

[A]

Yeah. Journalism really did take off.

[F]

It really.

[B]

I mean, but the timeline doesn't.

[D]

Funny.

[B]

The timeline is because I know that he was already. But she had already taken off.

[A]

She did. She didn't say it was when they were married. She just said that Carl's journalism really took off.

[B]

I guess. Sure.

[D]

And you're sort of not bringing up what I would hope would be the most obvious question now, which would be quite an age old difference.

[B]

That's on us. Although I think it was applied. Sure, I was already thinking about it. But you were quite an age difference, Joan.

[D]

Is that true?

[B]

It is true. Why would you think I would like.

[D]

No, I just wanted to hear it again.

[B]

Okay. Wow. Got a little bit of.

[C]

She almost did Elizabeth McGovern on that.

[B]

Oh, yes, Elizabeth. We, we like to talk like Elizabeth McGovern as her character, Emily knows it. That's good.

[D]

I love Downton.

[B]

Abby. Journalism took off between you and Carl Bernstein.

[A]

So many years. Well, the President's men.

[B]

It was Deep Throat.

[A]

Wonderfully deep. During the parking garage.

[D]

Well, I, I, I can't confirm.

[B]

Bernstein and Woodward.

[D]

They can't confirm or deny that we talked. I can't confirm or deny any of this.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

All right, that's. We won't press you. We won't. So this is. What an interesting life you've had. So you had this sort of like a fly by night marriage to Carl Bernstein for.

[D]

For seven years. I mean, not everything Carl Bernstein does is fly by night. Not that it was Carl Bernstein, but if it were.

[B]

Okay. I mean, it was him. It was 100 him.

[A]

Of course.

[B]

Yeah. For sure. So I, I'm wondering how we get from. I'm married to Carl Bernstein. I steal cat food. Oh, how do we get there? What? I'm not gonna. You know what? I'm not, I'm not gonna back down. Emily. You stole cat food. And I do think you need to be held accountable. I'm sorry.

[A]

Okay. But to be fair, Emily was, was leading us down the road. She was of, of how she led. How she ended up there.

[B]

Okay, so you're at Vaugh because you're thinking maybe I can eventually just. I can observe humanity.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

And so I'm assuming there were other instances of you getting. This wasn't the first day that you sat on someone's street littered with customers hoping to meet someone. What was the first time you tried to do something like this?

[D]

Well, what a great question.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Congrats.

[B]

Thanks.

[D]

That is a great. I mean, your curiosity finally led you to somewhere kind.

[B]

Oh, wow. Is. Oh, that's.

[D]

And Joan. I don't mean it. Joan. I don't mean it. I don't mean it. But you know, it's just. I feel so judged and I'm such a fan.

[B]

I'm sorry you feel judged. I really am. I also do think though that because.

[A]

You stole something and you're being very.

[B]

Evasive, you don't want to be held to account for it.

[D]

I did.

[B]

But you also don't. You haven't chicken stolen.

[D]

I mean, I understand bananas is a sore subject and boy, does that track. I think that's so valid.

[B]

I think you keeping a cat food is the problem here. That is something about the. It could have been anything.

[A]

It's not that we hold a sacred.

[B]

No, we don't.

[D]

The first time I did it.

[B]

Okay, here we go.

[D]

There was an older customer of mine named Blanche. And I just got the sense that Blanche was quite lonely.

[B]

Uh huh.

[A]

Oh, she probably depended on the kindness of strangers.

[D]

Well. But.

[B]

Oh my gosh, that is so clever.

[D]

That is so. She struck me more as a Golden Girls.

[B]

Blanche Nashley.

[D]

But maybe a Blanche dubois.

[B]

Dorothy. Of course she was.

[A]

Maybe.

[D]

Maybe a Blanche dubois.

[A]

Maybe a Blanche dubois.

[B]

Although to be honest, they were very similar. If Blanche dubois had just been able to live her life.

[D]

That's right.

[B]

Freely. Then she would have turned into.

[D]

And you know what?

[B]

That they were both Southern.

[A]

True.

[D]

What a generous gosh. Joan, you are truly an observer. Observer of the human condition. Don't you think?

[B]

Now she's calling me generous. I'm all over the map.

[A]

You're really scoring.

[B]

But I wasn't five minutes ago.

[A]

Okay, so she just acknowledged me.

[B]

Okay, so you met Blanche and she.

[D]

Was an older woman, yet lots of Dinty Moore.

[B]

You know, Lots of Dinty Moore.

[D]

Which I love. No.

[A]

Who doesn't?

[D]

No.

[B]

Just love a canned stew.

[D]

But it just struck me.

[A]

Best canned stew.

[D]

Best canned stew. Beef. But then struck me that perhaps Blanche was lonely and.

[B]

Okay, you know, how come? What led you to that realization?

[D]

I said the Dinty mortals.

[B]

Oh, I guess that says it all. Say no more.

[A]

Honestly, that was enough for me.

[D]

But she also would totally talk to me.

[B]

The commercial. Right? Dinty Moore. Say less.

[D]

She would talk to me and. And so few people talk to me now. Oh, and I thought because every once in a while, you know, if she'd buy a, a, a a A wine. Okay. I would card her. You know, just a little fun.

[B]

Fun. Yeah.

[D]

But I have just a nearly photographic memory and I'd see that address and I just thought why don't I just.

[A]

Pop the edge to photographic. When you say nearly?

[B]

Are you, like, one number short? Are you, like, one number short?

[D]

You know, it's a haze. What it is, is a haze. I can only see one detail clear. So, like, I could. I could tell you. I could tell you Blanche's address, but not her birthday.

[B]

Oh, it's like a Dory Finding Nemo situation. Sherman Wallaby Way. Sherman Wallaby Way, Sydney, Australia. It's like that. Where she only gets little glances.

[D]

Exactly.

[B]

It's a little.

[D]

It's a little. It's a little elusive.

[B]

It's almost a Hodor. How.

[D]

It's almost a Hodor.

[B]

Not sure that's the same.

[A]

Almost a Hodor.

[D]

It's almost a Hodor. I think. That's right. That feels right.

[A]

Hodor. Hodor. Famously had one thing, and that's.

[B]

Right, That's.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And it was news.

[C]

It was a memory, and he was news.

[B]

Okay, so. So you kind of remembered enough in your memory to go to her house.

[D]

To go to her house.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

To say hi. Okay, Blanche.

[B]

And what happened?

[D]

It was lovely.

[A]

Can I get a little more recognized you.

[B]

Hang on. Can we get a little more than it was lovely? Because that's. That's her recollection of it. But I need to know what the steps were.

[A]

Oh, that's true.

[D]

Okay. I am afraid that I'm a villain in your mind. Joan, I. Nope.

[B]

Absolutely not.

[A]

We want you to give us the details to clear yourself because Anahata has portrayed you as a villain.

[D]

I know. And it's causing me such stress. I think about it every night as I'm falling asleep. You know when you're falling asleep and you're, like, feeling good, and then all of a sudden something pops in your mind just to make you feel nasty.

[B]

Like the cat food sitting in your car.

[A]

Like, Joe, is it still in the car?

[B]

Oh, I bet. Am I right?

[D]

Yes. And, you know, it's a little wedged under the seat. It wasn't a place where it was. When I break, it would sort of shift. But now it's fully wedged. It is fully wedged.

[B]

Now you don't have to think about it.

[A]

So think of this interview as your Cruella. You are now my original story. We're now humanizing you. Yes. I love what they're doing with these.

[C]

Disney.

[B]

Isn't it great?

[D]

I do love it. No villain is truly a villain.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then makes you the bad guy because you thought they were the villain.

[D]

In the first movie.

[B]

Have fun going back and Consuming Sleeping Beauty.

[A]

You didn't even think about what they went through.

[B]

Have fun watching 101 Dalmatians.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And do you know why you didn't think about it? A lack of curiosity.

[A]

That's cool.

[D]

All right, well, that's.

[B]

That's a fair enough point. But can you tell us what happened in terms of why it was lovely and how you came to visit Blanche?

[D]

Yes. Okay, so I stopped by. I know Blanche's address. I stopped by. Blanche so happy to see me. She says, really? Oh, honey.

[B]

And I just, like, knocked on the door. She opens the door.

[D]

Yes, yes.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

And she says, oh, honey. And I think, oh, my gosh. You know, she just feels so familiar with me because I'm o. I always check her out.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

She prefers my aisle. Okay, okay.

[A]

No matter. No matter what's going on with the other aisles, no matter what, she will seek you out.

[D]

That's right. She will wait in a line to get to my aisle.

[B]

Wow, that's high praise.

[D]

Very nice.

[A]

Would she pay with a check?

[D]

With a check.

[B]

Oh, adorable people. Yeah, yeah, they love to pay with checks.

[C]

Love to.

[B]

I'm sure it's allowed anymore.

[D]

And you know what? That's right. It's not allowed anymore, and I still accept them. And then I'd pay for her dinties.

[B]

Oh, now this. Now, this is interesting information.

[A]

You'd spring for the dinties?

[D]

Of course I would. Well, I get a dis pound, you know.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

But that's very, very nice. You're really taking care of someone. Well, so keep going. She says, oh, hi, honey.

[D]

Oh, hi, honey.

[A]

Oh, hi, honey.

[D]

Oh, hi, honey. You're finally back from college. It's so nice to see you.

[B]

Oh, no.

[D]

And. And, yes. And so I think what you're picking up is just.

[B]

And yes, it's true.

[D]

Blanche did think I was her daughter.

[B]

And you know, who is from college. How old is she?

[D]

Oh, no, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter. Blanche is where she is, okay? She's where she is in her mind that day. I mean, who was I to disabuse her?

[B]

Well, you can't.

[A]

You can't.

[B]

So then what did you do?

[D]

I lived with her for a week.

[A]

And so she was. She saw you the same. Same way for a week? Were there days where she'd be like, wait, who are you?

[D]

No. And isn't that kind of astonishing?

[B]

It's concerning, to be sure. It's medically concerning.

[D]

You think?

[B]

But I know. I know that it is. Oh, I don't think I know Joan.

[D]

Do you have a medical degree?

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

This is so confrontational.

[D]

I'm just so curious. I just.

[A]

Do you.

[B]

Do you have a medical degree? Are you sure that it was not a problem and it was.

[D]

Well, because I'll just. Back to Vibe.

[A]

Be fair. Emily was not claiming absolute medical certainty like you were, Joe.

[B]

Well, she said that it was okay. She gave it an adjective that was very.

[A]

Doctors don't say okay. You know what I mean?

[B]

They don't.

[A]

They said. I don't think they don't see anything.

[B]

If you get them on the phone.

[A]

Right.

[D]

See, and this is just back to my point. Disconnected. We're so disconnected and nobody's looking out for one another.

[B]

Yes, but don't change the subject because, yes, you can. You can.

[D]

I was.

[B]

You can reneigh on this all you want. Okay, but is that her name?

[A]

Brene Brown?

[B]

Yeah, Brown.

[D]

But she's very strong. But she's very strong. She's very strong.

[B]

I thought it was pronounced Braun.

[A]

I think it's just straight up.

[B]

Yeah, you're probably right.

[D]

It is Bernay Brown. Yes.

[B]

So don't trade in.

[A]

Berne Braun is the. The breed of dog that that president of Ireland had.

[B]

Is that true?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

How do you know something like that?

[A]

I just know things.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I'm curious about people.

[B]

Oh, sure.

[D]

And it's so refreshing.

[A]

Thank you. But like.

[B]

Like I said, let's stick to it. So you lived with her for a week. Then what happened?

[D]

Then I did go to work one day.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

You were skipping work the whole week. Strange. Joyce. What?

[D]

No, but. But we was. We were. I was connecting. I was doing a bit of a. It was almost.

[B]

Did people say. Where are you coming to work? You're missing your shift. No, no, no, no, no.

[D]

We're always overstaffed at bonds. Oh. Have you ever noticed that there's always people asking you if you need help finding something? And I. I know it feels a bit like. Get off my back.

[B]

Six people a row.

[A]

Yeah, I. I remember, like, sometimes you'll see like a couple guys in the corner shooting craps.

[D]

Casino corner.

[A]

Casino corner.

[D]

Yes. And they're not on break, so actually that is.

[B]

That's.

[A]

Yeah. You can interrupt them and say, hey, can I get some help?

[D]

Oh, and they have to. Absolutely.

[B]

There's one guy that just hides and you have to find me. Get a lollipop. If you're a kid and you find him, he's just hiding somewhere.

[A]

Even if you're an adult. I found him one time and he gave you little. A lollipop I, I, he, he was in the, the ice cream freezer.

[D]

Have you ever looked at his name tag?

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, dear. He must have been blue. What's his name?

[D]

Waldo.

[B]

Oh, come on now. What's his adjective?

[D]

Wares, of course.

[A]

Of course. He's very wares.

[D]

Very wares. You'd never describe him with anything but wares.

[B]

You know, it's true. It's true. The only thing that works for his name.

[D]

That's right.

[B]

So you weren't coming into work. Fine. Fair enough. There's enough people there.

[D]

They were happy.

[B]

But what they. Okay, good to know.

[D]

Not because they don't like me, if that's what you're thinking, but because there was more work to go around.

[B]

Realize you feel like you're on the defense right now, but what. Why did you leave her home after that week? What happened?

[D]

Well, so what? Because then I did go to work, and then I came back.

[A]

What prompted you to go to work?

[B]

That's what I was trying to ask.

[D]

I see. I'm sorry I missed it. I love von.

[A]

You missed the von.

[D]

And, you know, Blanche and I had hit a bit of an impasse in the story. I wasn't getting any new information.

[B]

What does that mean?

[D]

Well, obviously, I write these things down. I'm a journalist at heart.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Okay. And so sorry if it sounded, if it sounded aggressive, I didn't mean it to. I'm just, I'm decisive. I'm just, you know, I. Sure in an interview, you have to keep forthright. Yes, absolutely. And, and we did a bit of an impasse. I wasn't getting anything new. She really just wanted to keep unpacking this fight that she and her daughter had had. I know.

[A]

What was the fight about?

[D]

About mom choosing boyfriend over daughter.

[A]

Oh, no.

[D]

Really hard. Really hard.

[B]

And that didn't seem like you wanted more to keep writing on that seems like a great thing to write about.

[D]

But it was just an impasse of. Of, of mom saying I regret it. Daughter saying I didn't feel safe. And there seemed to be no way forward.

[A]

Well, because you decided, I guess, to take the role of the actual daughter and keep the fight going.

[D]

Well, I just felt, how would she feel? And I think she would have felt unseen. And the regret Blanche was giving me just. It didn't ring totally true.

[B]

It seems like you were kind of. I don't want to use the word using her.

[A]

But wait, wait, wait. So Blanche was expressing regret, but you weren't taking it?

[D]

I guess that was a. Of a. Joan, in the situation, you.

[B]

Know what I mean? Boy, oh, boy.

[A]

Wow, you're really getting it with both barrels.

[B]

Wow. I really am with both. What?

[E]

I'm.

[A]

Both barrels.

[B]

Yeah, sure am.

[A]

I feel like I'm scoring. I'm doing well.

[B]

Well, good for you. I'm glad for you. Good job.

[A]

That never happens.

[B]

Well, why don't you keep asking questions? She seems to like it better.

[A]

Oh.

[D]

Oh, no. I hate for you to feel that way.

[B]

Well, I guess I just feel like you. You. You. You dropped Blanche as soon as she was not, like, good writing material to you.

[D]

Well, no, I actually found that perhaps I was stressing her.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Because she was trying to apologize. You weren't accepting.

[D]

Well, I couldn't.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

So this is like a very different. So then after that, how many more. How many more incidents have there been with you following a customer to their home?

[A]

But. And how did you leave it with Blanche when you decided to go back to work because you were at an empath? What did you. What did you say to her?

[D]

Well, I said, I'm going to work.

[B]

Right.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

And I just never returned.

[D]

Well, no, I did.

[B]

Spoken since.

[D]

Well, no, I went back, but Blanche no longer saw me.

[A]

Thought you were right.

[B]

And she didn't recognize you at all as Emily from Bonds?

[D]

She did.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

She did. And actually, she said, emily, you know, it's been a hard day. My daughter just left. We were having a real disagreement.

[B]

Oh, dear.

[D]

And do you know what I did?

[B]

What?

[D]

I said Blanche Judith. That's her daughter's name. Okay. Came into the store. We call her Jude. Jude came into the store and she told me to tell you she forgives you. So there you go.

[B]

And was she. Did that put her a piece.

[D]

Blanche was so happy she died that night.

[B]

Oh.

[D]

Because, you know, they say. Because, you know, they say women.

[B]

Do you know that she died because she was so happy? Yes. Did you have a coroner's report that said didn't die from happiness?

[D]

No, I didn't assert that. What I told you was simply that Blanche was so happy. Because I can see that. Right. We can perceive happiness.

[A]

Sure.

[D]

And she also clutched her chest and said, I'm so happy. Okay. So I knew. Knew that. But then also subsequently.

[B]

But she didn't die in front of you?

[D]

No, no, she died that night. Right.

[B]

So instead of saying she was so happy, she died that night. It was. She was so happy. She was sure. Happy.

[A]

She was so happy. She was so happy.

[B]

She was so happy. And she died that night, I think is the proper way to describe it. Because we don't know that it had anything to do with anything. But, but, but that is.

[A]

Was cause of death happiness? I mean, was that what you were told?

[D]

Do you know what?

[B]

I was going to say that just so I can say, never heard of that.

[D]

Happiness.

[B]

Oh, I have it. Oh, does it?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Can you give me a suggestion with old people?

[A]

My great grandfather died of happiness.

[B]

Okay. What did that look like?

[A]

Well, he. This is what my father told me when I was little. This is how he's explaining death to me.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

I was five years old.

[B]

And that's a little early to have death explained to you. Every time I hear about your child, I get more and more concerned.

[A]

Great child. And my father said, you know, you're my grandpa. Your great grandpa, he died when he was 71 years old and he bet on the Preakness and his horse won. And he was so happy. He looked at me. He looked at the TV and he turned from the TV and he looks at me. This is my dad's name.

[B]

Sure, sure.

[A]

He said, son, so long, big smile, drop dead right in front of my father. Yeah.

[B]

Good Lord.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

That's incredible. That is really something.

[A]

So I've never been afraid of death since then.

[B]

Yeah. Well, that must explain a lot, actually. Does it?

[D]

What about him? Are you a thrill seeker?

[B]

Yes, he has been. He had a near death experience and it led him to be very much a daredevil in his head. Yes. Okay, so. So can I. Can I just. Can I. I still want to re. Ask this question. How many incidents between Blanche and Anahata. Anahata. How many other incidents have happened in between those two people of you visiting customers?

[D]

Yes, I'm just. No, I was just saying I understand the question.

[A]

Oh, yes.

[D]

No, no, no. Because. Because it's a lot. So I just don't know that I have an ex.

[B]

It's just a question of how many times I've seen.

[D]

The number of customers I visited is.

[B]

Well, I mean, 10.

[D]

No, I'd say north of 50.

[A]

North of 50. South of 60.

[D]

North of 50. South of sixty. And these are just the streets? No, no, I'd say north of 50. South of 100.

[A]

Wow. Okay, let's say 75.

[C]

Oh, Jace.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

And that's a moment. And that's a moment.

[A]

That's a moment.

[D]

That's a moment.

[A]

A moment.

[B]

Searching for the case is a lot. And also there are a lot of streets in. In Numberville. There we have this one area of town where it's called Numberville. Everything is just numbered streets.

[A]

They Put up their own signs, though.

[B]

They do.

[D]

They know.

[A]

Of course, they're very crudely tape that they write on.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, they actually have like the regular streets we have, but they just tape.

[D]

It's near Roosevelt. Between Roosevelt and.

[B]

But they just thought it was hilarious. And you know, if anything, the number of ill people. People think they're hilarious. They are insufferable.

[D]

And you don't find it. Oh, you find it insufferable?

[A]

Oh, I. Oh, because that's the beginning.

[B]

You like Numberville? Oh, you do?

[D]

Well, I just like that people like things, and I want to know why. And I want to know why people think things are insufferable.

[A]

Okay, you are very curious.

[B]

Very, very curious. All right, so now people. This is a lot of people.

[A]

There's a lot of people. And have any of these other cases involved accidental theft?

[D]

No. This is part of why I panic so hard. Nothing like this has ever happened before.

[B]

Have I normally happen to give a couple other. Is it. Are all. Are more of them like, oh, I lived with them for a week or were more of them just like, we had a nice conversation and I. I went my merry way.

[D]

I never lived with anyone for a week again.

[B]

That was happy to hear that I was an outlier.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

You know.

[D]

Yes. Okay.

[B]

But most of the other ones wants to argue anything we said anything.

[D]

So sorry, I don't mean to.

[A]

It's anything you say.

[B]

Oh, I like Joan.

[A]

I mean, that's the way it's playing out.

[D]

I hate that that's what you think. Okay, let's see. Most of them are just conversations, like a, hi, hello, how are you doing?

[B]

But.

[D]

But the best ones, and they do often go here are check ins on something personal in their lives. Like, your son just went off to college. How are you feeling now that you're an empty nester or some people don't like that phrase anymore. What do they use? Open door. We have an open door.

[B]

Oh, I have not. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

People have decided that sounds like somebody come live here.

[D]

But no, I think it's that, like. I think it's that, like, your kid is in and out. It's an open door right now. Not an empty mess.

[A]

I like empty nest.

[B]

That sounds more like I'm polyamorous. Now my kid's gone. There's more room for sex in the house.

[A]

Pineapple on the porch.

[B]

What was.

[D]

And what was that?

[B]

That was terrifying.

[C]

Tried to.

[B]

Oh, now that sounds very real.

[C]

Open door.

[A]

Open door.

[D]

That's fabulous.

[A]

That's a good one. Doug, how you make that sound.

[C]

A gentleman never tells.

[A]

Did you just open a door?

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Now.

[D]

Well, it really.

[B]

Emily, wait a second. I had a point, and now I can't remember what it was. And I hate it when that happened.

[D]

Me too.

[A]

Well, I'm sure it'll come to you, but I do have a question because we sort of. We didn't acknowledge this. You said you have snooped a bit. Okay. What does that mean?

[D]

Oh, okay. It usually means like. It usually means like a peep in an open window. You know, if it's nighttime and a light is on. You know how you love to see inside a house and then. And then you love when the TV's on and you get to see what somebody's watching?

[A]

Yes. There is something that's extremely fascinating about that.

[B]

Yes. Being able to see into other people's lives for a minute.

[D]

Yes. And say. We'll say down Abizon. But you know, something about.

[B]

Sure. Yeah.

[A]

Look.

[B]

Look at. There's a peeping Tom outside. Rather, there's a period. Oh, no.

[D]

You're talking about me. I laughed and you're talking about me. I didn't get it at first.

[B]

I'm not.

[A]

You know what?

[B]

I do remember what I was going to ask.

[A]

Oh, great.

[B]

If you're saying a lot of these were just conversations of how are you doing? You know, because your. Your son left for college.

[D]

Right.

[B]

But why can't you ask those questions at the checkout line? Why do you need to hunt them down, go to their house and knock.

[D]

On their door and ask them such a fabulous question.

[B]

And there's a finally at the hour.

[D]

Mark, and there's a real answer. People feel very on guard in Vons. You know, people record each other now. It just. You see videos of people being recorded out in public for no reason.

[A]

Some people are pre recording just in case you do something.

[D]

You think that they have to be right. Otherwise how are they catching?

[A]

Yes.

[D]

So people are on guard. Okay. They're really filtered.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Okay. But at their home. They're at home.

[B]

I would say that you feel more sort of accosted at home. Like no one even likes to answer the door anymore. If you hear the doorbell ring. Door, knock.

[A]

That's true. Yeah.

[B]

Absolutely not. What a terrible idea.

[D]

But then you see, it's me.

[B]

Well, I mean, if I know what I know of you, I'm like, get. Grab the cat food.

[D]

Oh, I don't have a cat, Joan. I have no use for the food.

[B]

Then give it back. You know what? This is the whole point of this Episode. If you want to absolve yourself and if you want to clear your name, you must make a plan to return this cat food.

[D]

I am trying to make a plan and it. Please come with me.

[A]

Really pressuring. Emily and I, I think.

[B]

Whose side are you? It's working on. You see.

[A]

I'm not in anyone's side.

[D]

I'm braving the wilderness. And that's what Brene wanted.

[A]

What I'd like to know is. Yes, first of all, anything I do suggest you return the cat food. You don't even have to have a conversation about it. Just put it on the porch.

[D]

Yes, but I wouldn't be braving the wilderness. I did that.

[A]

You'd be what?

[B]

Braving the wilderness. I'm not. You know, it's like, oh, you want people stole your cat food? Let them. You know, there's all these talking points and clickbait memes about someone saying, you know what you should do? Just a quick fix to how to live your life. It's just a phrase.

[A]

People with cat food hate when you do this, but weird trick.

[B]

Return the cat food. It's as simple as that. You know it's the right thing to do. You have it wedged in your car because you don't even. You can't even look at it.

[D]

Break hard.

[A]

Do you have a sticker on the back?

[B]

You better.

[D]

This car, this small car breaks hard. Please. Okay, I. I hear you and I'm amenable to what you're saying.

[B]

Great.

[D]

And all I'm saying is.

[B]

Oh boy.

[D]

Come with me, all three of you. Why did we have someone to hide?

[B]

Doug, I didn't steal it.

[D]

No, I know you didn't, but.

[A]

But, but why do you need us to come?

[B]

It's like when my boys stole a fire engine and they wanted me to come back and take. I wasn't. I didn't steal that fire. A full size one or full toys.

[A]

No, no, no.

[B]

They still size one.

[D]

Was it? How did they. How did they. How did they drive it?

[B]

I mean. Well, they.

[A]

One worked the pedals and one worked the wheel.

[B]

Yeah, they were seven when they did it.

[A]

Oh my goodness.

[D]

Joan. Doug, you must be proud. I mean, that's quite precocious.

[C]

I am, actually.

[B]

Interesting.

[D]

Actually.

[B]

No one's ever. No one's ever been proud of Mad and Sciatica's.

[C]

Well, I'm just saying what they did. Put out their own fire.

[B]

Yeah. That's why they had a.

[C]

One of the only times they did it.

[D]

And nobody ever asks why. Why did you steal. We Had a fire going. We needed something to put it out.

[B]

No, but they were properly punished. And they were jailed for one night. So.

[A]

They were jailed for one night.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And there was a scared straight program with other.

[D]

A kid jail. And I was dying to get an interview with one of those kids, but I couldn't. I don't suppose Sciaticus would talk to me.

[B]

I mean, he probably would talk to you about anything. They're not. They don't have much going on.

[D]

No, this is what's wonderful about children.

[B]

This is not. No, this is. What is the problem with the way that you constantly change the situation.

[A]

Wonderful about children.

[D]

I didn't know I was. I thought I was just traveling along in the conversation, taking it to its natural conclusion.

[B]

You deflect a lot. And I just. I. We're running out of time. And what I want to do. I always want to send our guest out with maybe some sort of plan, you know, especially in a case where we're trying to rectify or right or wrong. And so I just want to hear you say that. Yes, I'm going to return the cat food.

[D]

Yes, I'm going to return the cat food.

[B]

Now. She didn't break eye contact, and she didn't blink, and it scared me.

[D]

Now, Joan, may I ask you a question?

[B]

Oh, yes.

[D]

Burnt. You can weigh in, too. It is about Joan.

[B]

Hang on a second, babe. What was that?

[C]

That was me swallowing.

[B]

It was. Sounded like turning a computer off.

[D]

It sounded like a little notification. A little electronic notification.

[B]

That's exactly what it said.

[A]

How did you make that swallowing noise.

[D]

With your windpipe full of water?

[B]

He just tried to actually recreate it with his voice. Nope.

[A]

All right, good. Check in Doug. So I'm going to decide to believe you.

[B]

I'm going to decide to believe you. And that's a little.

[A]

I feel like it's a little loaded. I'm going to decide to believe you.

[B]

What other choice do I have? I want to be hopeful at the end of this.

[D]

Something about what I. I've done is so triggering to you and not sure that's true.

[A]

You do seem triggered, Joan.

[B]

I'm not triggered. How dare you say I'm triggered.

[A]

Triggered much?

[D]

But see, you had to. You had to resort to a fake voice just to address it.

[A]

You're being a snowflake, Joan.

[B]

Oh, please.

[D]

This dynamic is truly something.

[A]

Now we know everyone gets a trophy.

[D]

I'm just curious. So you're married to Doug?

[B]

I am.

[D]

You, too?

[B]

He's not married to Doug.

[A]

Also, no, I'm not Also married to Doug.

[B]

No, but what's the.

[A]

We're friends.

[B]

We're friends. Friends who do a podcast. We had this weird moment where we met years before the podcast. We decided to record the theme song to the podcast. We didn't even really know what was going on. Years later, we should do that podcast.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Which came first?

[B]

Wow.

[D]

The song.

[A]

But now you're asking us questions, and this is not the time.

[B]

No, no, the time is. This is the time to wish you well. This is the time to wish you well. I really. I do wish you the best. Okay, I. I think there's. I think you might need some sort of counseling or help, but.

[A]

Jones, very rude.

[D]

You.

[B]

We just discussed how sometimes you'll say you are a terrible person to their face, and now I'm getting in trouble for saying they might need some counseling.

[A]

I think you're being a rude.

[B]

Oh, my gosh.

[A]

Emily.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

I think you can return this cat food by yourself. And I think you'll enjoy the new experience of doing this as a journalist. You know, think. Think of Carl going into that garage.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Okay, Doug, this is not a great time.

[C]

I'm. You're saying think of Carl going to the park.

[D]

That's exactly what his footballs sound like.

[B]

All right, let him continue. Go ahead.

[D]

No, not.

[B]

Not confirming. Shining moment.

[A]

Okay, so here. Here, please. You're walking up to the porch.

[B]

You're tap dancing up to the porch.

[A]

Why not? You have the bag. Bag of cat food.

[D]

Bag.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Was it a bag?

[D]

Okay, do you know what it is? Cans. It is cans, and I hate to correct it.

[A]

Okay, so it's cans.

[B]

Oh, yeah. You unzip the box.

[A]

You were put in a bag, and you were unzipping the bag.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

And now you place the pallet of cans on the front porch one by one.

[B]

It's raining.

[D]

Oh, I'm stacking them in a little pyramid. And it's raining. Oh, it's nice that I'm taking the time. Okay.

[A]

You have your finger ready to ring the doorbell.

[D]

Yes.

[A]

You're thinking about ringing the doorbell.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Your fingers hovering there. And then eventually you do get the courage to knock on the door.

[B]

The doorbell is. The ringtone is the sound of a.

[A]

Knock of the door.

[D]

Oh, that's funny.

[A]

You can do that with these two doorbells. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You could set it to knock, and then you run away. Open your car door.

[D]

Uhhuh. It's a small car.

[B]

It's a small car.

[A]

You put the car in drive.

[B]

You make sure to. You make sure to blast some Sting.

[D]

Oh, which song?

[B]

Sting.

[A]

Well, it's on Shuffle, so who knows?

[B]

Oh, probably every breath you take.

[D]

Shuffle, chaotic.

[B]

I love it.

[D]

Everybody, breath you take.

[A]

Murder of crows. Okay, so it's some solo Sting, and then you're out of there.

[B]

But not before you fix something in your car with your drill.

[A]

Blowing a New Year's Eve party horn on your way out.

[B]

Both of those.

[A]

Both of those. That'd be fun. New Year's Eve have a power drill.

[D]

Do you know, that's so therapeutic, hearing it played out for you.

[A]

I'm glad that could be you.

[D]

And it shall be.

[B]

Oh, that's fantastic. And you'll be so there, Emily, and.

[D]

It'Ll be so fun.

[A]

I want to say thank you so much for being on the show. You're one of the most charming guests we've ever had. I've really enjoyed chatting with you.

[B]

All right. Okay. It's been a good time. It's been an okay time, and I just want you to give back the cat food. Okay?

[D]

Joan, can I. I see your id.

[B]

Not say you not may not see my id. I know what you're trying to do, okay? I know that you're discarding me. This always happens to me when I buy my Syrah. And I. And I. And then someone says, that's a brag. Someone says, no, no, it's not a brag. Because. Listen, let me finish, okay? It doesn't have a good ending where they say, oh, can I see your idea? I'm like, oh, well, trust me, you don't need to see it. And the guy goes, no, no, it's. My boss is watching and I have to card you. That's what happens.

[A]

Okay, well, then you go over and thank the boss.

[B]

That's what happened. Nice try. Burnt. I doubt it. All right, Emily. All right, well, thank you so much for being here.

[D]

Thank you so much for having me.

[A]

And please come back anytime.

[B]

Yes. Wait, wait. What?

[D]

What?

[B]

Burnt.

[A]

Never said this to a guest before, but you're welcome to come.

[D]

You haven't.

[B]

I don't know what's going on. All right, we'll be right.

[A]

Hi, this is Lucifer. Don't ask. Free college textbooks. Free. Free college textbooks. Could probably sell them, but whatever. What a waste of time and welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen, well, she was just a breath of fresh air. Emily.

[B]

Burnt. What is going on?

[A]

What?

[B]

Nikki? Because truly, that was one of the kind of guests we get that usually frustrate the hell out of you because you'll say something like. Yeah, I mean, you say you want to be helped, but you don't want to be held at all, you know? And you'll say that. You'll say that.

[A]

A little bit of a mocking impression.

[B]

I'm sorry. I'm only trying to prove a point, which is. That was very anti. That was very. That was the opposite of how you normally react to a guest like that.

[A]

Well, I think you may be.

[B]

Found her just, I don't know, look cute.

[A]

I mean, do you. What's that?

[C]

D. Look cute?

[B]

Are you just repeating what I said for. I'm not sure that in this context it made sense, but unless you're agreeing with her that she was a little cute. But I don't want to get into that, because that's weird. But. But can. I mean, do you really, honestly think that she is actually charming and doesn't need any kind of, like, counseling as to why she's showing up at strangers doors and stealing their things and won't return the cat food?

[A]

You know what?

[B]

Help me out here, Bert.

[A]

I. I'm gladly.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I'll gladly help you out.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Because we're friends.

[B]

I thought so.

[A]

And I want to say that I. I feel like there was a bit of a wake up call for me when you. When you were describing my typical behavior on the show and.

[B]

Your. What behavior?

[A]

My typical behavior.

[B]

Oh, okay, okay.

[D]

Huh?

[B]

What do you think I said tickle behavior.

[C]

I heard. I heard that, too. And I didn't repeat.

[A]

I do not indulge intelligent tickled behavior. I'm against.

[C]

I heard, tingle behavior.

[B]

Right. Oh, boy.

[A]

Oh, okay. Well, you two are well suited to each other. I. So I. I.

[B]

You find tickling boring, right? It bores the hell out.

[A]

So boring. What are we doing?

[B]

You can only cry by surprise, and you find tickling boring?

[A]

Yes, it's dull. I reflected on my behavior, and I thought, you know what? Maybe Joan has a problem point here. And then when I saw the way you were being so combative with her, I thought, wow. I. Now I get it.

[B]

Oh, dear. I saw in you.

[A]

I saw in you the ugliness in myself, and it made me more generous, I think, to Emily.

[B]

Well, you might have overcorrected a little bit.

[A]

I don't think so. I. What I saw was. What I saw was the.

[C]

All right, he gets to do it.

[A]

I said we get to turn. I saw the. I saw the. The positive aspects of her personal, which I think her curiosity and her eagerness to understand, to get to know her fellow man, a fellow human being, I thought was really wonderful and something that should Be encouraged.

[B]

Sure, I appreciate that. But other than covering the dinty more for Blanche, I'm not sure that anything other that happened. I think she uses the word curiosity to actually cover and deflect from a very bad habit and a little bit of crime.

[A]

You don't think it was wonderful that she lived with demented a woman for a week and pretended to be her daughter? Kept an argument alive?

[B]

Do you hear yourself?

[A]

I didn't do it. I would never do such a thing.

[B]

It's an overcorrection for sure. And I look forward to you being back to your. Your old self next episode.

[A]

Tomato, potato.

[B]

Not sure that's how it goes.

[A]

You say tomato, I say potato. That's the song, right?

[B]

Let's. Let's definitely call this whole thing off.

[C]

And do you remember how excited I was to see Vons in Los Angeles when we went?

[B]

Yes, I know you were. Still cannot believe that nobody had adjectives under their names. They didn't even name Nadig.

[C]

Cannot believe we have Vons now.

[B]

It is.

[C]

The thing is, I don't feel that strongly.

[A]

It's not as special now.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, I see. I see. Well, it's lost its luster.

[A]

It's so funny that Vons opened the day after we got back from that trip.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That is pretty.

[C]

After all that. And I bought all that merch.

[B]

How did they bought all that Vons merch?

[A]

What's so weird? How did they get.

[B]

They had so much.

[C]

It was weird.

[A]

I could not believe how much Vons merch they had.

[C]

Did a full cop outfit that seemed illegal.

[B]

Explain that a little bit.

[A]

How is that Von's merch?

[B]

Thank you, Bert.

[C]

I wasn't sure. I wasn't entirely sure.

[A]

I'm gonna say it wasn't. I'm gonna say you were in the Halloween aisle.

[B]

Which Buzz does have a great Halloween aisle year round, so. Year round.

[A]

Halloween aisle. Okay, we have time for one more post.

[B]

Yeah. And. And babe, just so you know, you have time for like one or two more sounds, so get them in if you need to.

[C]

I'm. I'm working on one.

[B]

Okay. All right.

[A]

Do you think you could top the car door opening.

[C]

With the zipper?

[B]

Yes, with this.

[C]

Some cars have zipper doors.

[A]

Is that true?

[B]

I mean, now again, we're just saying.

[C]

Things we're in dignity falls here.

[B]

That is true.

[A]

Okay. All right. What do you got for us, Doug?

[C]

Oh, the sound.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

All right, here we go. I've to prove my point. I found some effects to put on the carrot snap.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

To make it a Nuclear.

[C]

Nuclear explosion. Okay, here we go. Ready?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Wait.

[E]

Oh, boy.

[A]

Okay, Wait. So that's the first layer.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Well, it's echo. Now you're just snapping. And it's cave. You got deeper in the cave.

[A]

Heard it twice now. Boy, third time's the charm.

[B]

No, that's not. I feel so insulted.

[A]

You really built this up, Doug. And then at the end, what you did was you had a carrot snapping with an echo on it.

[B]

And you. Why don't you. Why don't you. No, I believe it went. Why don't you read a post? Burn and let's see if Doug can. Can make this right. I will by the end.

[A]

This is in the. The crime and Safety section. This was sent by listener. Issue was. Shit.

[B]

Who is.

[A]

This was sent by listener, Sean Sansom. Thank you, Sean. This is the Crime and safety section. Someone named Ken writes. And this is all caps in bold. Drug, prostitution, public defecation, trespassing and illegal trash and waste dumping, nuisance activities. Indignant, dignity falls. Dash. Addressing crime, safety in the neighborhood.

[B]

Is it all caps?

[A]

It's all caps, all bold. And then Ken goes on to say, in all caps, but not bolded, okay. Drug, prostitution, public defecation, trespassing and illegal trash and waste dumping, nuisance activities, and dignity falls.

[B]

Whoa, whoa, wow. Wow.

[A]

So same thing, but not in bold anymore.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then he says, in regular sentence case, I have reported this information to the police.

[B]

So it's just a list of crimes with no specification as to where he saw that happen. Who were the purported criminals.

[C]

This is.

[A]

He's just seen all of these things and he's letting you know. I have reported.

[B]

He could have seen them on tv.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And not realize that it wasn't happening in this neighborhood.

[A]

Watching a Law and Order.

[B]

Watching Law and Order. This is.

[A]

Tell the court why you defecated in public. This little stuff. Sam Waterston.

[B]

This is. Good job, babe.

[C]

Law and Order.

[B]

You know, sometimes I just really worry about our residents. Sometimes I do think that people are not. They're just really off the rocker here in Dignity Falls.

[A]

I mean, it's an interesting town.

[B]

And listen, I'm not saying that I haven't seen every single one of those things happen in Dignity Falls, too. We all have seen combinations of them.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

We've all seen a prostitute publicly defeated. Yes.

[A]

Of course we've seen that. We've seen there.

[B]

We've seen.

[A]

We've seen Illegally defecated accompanied by trespassing.

[E]

Yes.

[B]

Well, let me see what else is on there.

[A]

Well, there's drug, prostitution, well, there's drug.

[B]

This is like that music, man.

[A]

Well, there's drug, prostitution, public defecation, trespassing, and illegal legal tragedy, stumping, nuisance activities. I've seen so many nuisance activities.

[B]

Oh, so many.

[C]

That stands for penis, Doug.

[A]

I think you took that too far.

[B]

I agree, Doug.

[C]

I saw one on there.

[B]

We got so far away from the original source material.

[A]

Do you think I could talk?

[B]

Yes. This is a revelation.

[A]

It's not really singing. No, it's not, but it's just sort of rhythmic talking.

[B]

Maybe you can. Could rap or.

[A]

I don't think I could.

[B]

You could do. I. Don't sell yourself short, but yes. Maybe you could do Harold Hill.

[A]

I think we've talked about this before.

[B]

I think we have, but. But no problem revisiting it. There's nothing wrong with that.

[A]

There's nothing wrong with a revisit.

[B]

You know, you could also take any song and you can kind of.

[C]

You do.

[B]

You can kind of do it with a. With an up tempo and you could talk it.

[C]

You could talk any song you want to do. Walk on the wild side with us with our caravan.

[A]

Yeah, I'd be honored.

[B]

Oh, that's such a good invitation.

[A]

I'd be honest. Honor. That's barely singing.

[B]

What would that sound like?

[C]

It's just like, hey, man, take a walk on the wild side.

[A]

But she never lost her head, even when she was giving head. Oh, jeez. That's in the song.

[C]

And I can't say P for penis.

[B]

He's got a point, Bird. He's got a point.

[A]

Well, I mean, that came out of absolutely nowhere. And I was quite quoting a line.

[C]

From the song Public nudity.

[A]

Nuisance, nudity. No, there was no nudity in there.

[C]

I heard myself say that.

[A]

Yeah, you did.

[B]

Oh, dear. Do you have anything that's closer to a blast than what you played for us? Anything?

[A]

Oh, no. We're going back there.

[B]

I wanted him to try to.

[D]

Oh.

[B]

I mean, it's better. But what did that sound?

[A]

What would that be? What would that sound indicate?

[B]

Doug, can you hear us, babe, can you hear us? Did you. Now? That sounds like just when you push a button on a measuring tape and it gets sucked back in.

[A]

Here's what it sounds like to me. Really big hula hoop. Can I hear it again, Doug?

[B]

And you're not good at hula hooping. Yeah, because it just fell down.

[A]

You're getting it round one.

[C]

Let me get it back on here.

[B]

Yeah, get it back going. Sadly, that's it, kids. I can't do it. Anymore.

[A]

Yeah. Sorry, kids. I know. How do you feel gathered around?

[B]

First, I measured the room with my measuring tape to make sure I could hula put here. Second of all, I got the hula on. Couldn't do it.

[A]

I can't have a happy birthday anyway.

[C]

Could never do those things.

[A]

I'm not good at Hulu.

[B]

Worst birthday party ever. Oh, yeah, me neither. It's so annoying.

[A]

That was a craze when those came out.

[C]

JP thought she'd be professional. She told us she was going pro.

[B]

Well, because she had heard a rumor that they were going to enter it into the Olympics.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And she wanted to be the. The golden. The golden medal in hula hooping.

[C]

The golden medal.

[B]

Talking about the local Dingy Falls Olympics.

[A]

I'm talking about the local Digby Falls Olympics.

[B]

We're thinking about golden medals.

[A]

Golden medals. Golden medals. Sing that.

[C]

That's pretty good.

[B]

Yeah, actually, that was. You got a. I'm sorry, what part was that?

[A]

From Golden Years by David Bowie.

[B]

All right, babe. Well, I guess that's the best you achieved. A nuclear hula hoop.

[A]

Yep. And no one can say you didn't.

[B]

No one can say you didn't.

[C]

I did it.

[B]

Good for you.

[A]

Such pride. Well, that does it for this episode of the Neighborhood Listen. If you would like to hear ad free versions of the episodes or get access to our bonus content, go to cbb world.com and sign up on the Maximus tier and then you'll get that stuff. I [e-mail], which it doesn't. We couldn't get. I could. It's embarrassing. We couldn't get our own. Somebody squatting on that website.

[B]

It is. It's true.

[D]

It's true.

[A]

And the town fathers will not pay for it. All right, well, thank you for listening. We'll be back next week with another episode. Until then, goodbye and bye.

[B]

All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed.

[A]

The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul. Paul F. Tompkins.

[B]

And me, Nicole Parker.

[C]

And me, Brett Morris.

[A]

This episode's guest was played by Victoria Longwell. The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang World.

[B]

Your support keeps the show.