Podcast Summary: The Neighborhood Listen – "Burger Seen, Burger Achieved" with D.J. Mausner

Podcast: The Neighborhood Listen
Episode: Burger Seen, Burger Achieved with D.J. Mausner
Release Date: October 28, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode of “The Neighborhood Listen” dives into the unique quirks of Dignity Falls, particularly through the lens of a neighborhood app post complaining about disappointing hamburgers compared to their TV ads. Hosts Burnt Millipede (Paul F. Tompkins), Joan Pedestrian (Nicole Parker), and Doug (Brett Morris) improvise their way through discussions about local businesses, marital mysteries, and, of course, burgers—before speaking with an eccentric and incriminating local resident, Paul (D.J. Mausner), whose burger obsession reveals some criminal undertones. The episode blends absurd, whimsical humor with unexpected dark turns, all filtered through the hosts’ playful lens.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Opening Banter and Local Talk (00:53–14:00)

• The hosts riff on musical theater trivia, including the purportedly shortest musical (Into the Woods chat, 02:00–03:45), and poke fun at podcast intro conventions and each other’s professions.
  • Notable Quote (Paul as Burnt): “What I like in a musical is when you get to intermission, what happens right before intermission is supposedly a cliffhanger.” (03:40)
• Extended digression about the inefficiency of pharmacy “tub systems” (05:00–07:00), comparing memorizing prescription locations to a London cabbie's geographic knowledge.
• Tangents include the peculiar rideshare and self-driving car setups in Dignity Falls (“Maywo’s”, a passengerless car you must retrieve and drive yourself – 09:28), and playful stories about household routines and the way Doug receives “the benefit of the doubt.”

2. Marital Mystery: Gabby Goes Missing – Burnt’s Story (21:54–31:31)

• Joan pressures Burnt for updates on Burnt’s relationship with Gabby:
  • Gabby has locked herself away and left Burnt a cryptic note after a sensitive topic (their almost marriage) was brought up.
  • The note reads (23:27): “If I’m correct, it’s taken you three weeks to come in here.”
  • She later instructs, “You’re supposed to come find me.” (29:21)
  • Hosts riff on hotel “mints on the pillow” and relationship communication, drawing out the comic tension and Burnt’s confusion.
  • Notable Quote (Joan): "This is…concern for someone you love, because I love you, and I’ve just not heard of this before.” (30:53)

3. Neighborhood App Post: The Great Burger Disappointment (38:02–40:25)

Webb Cummings submits a real neighborhood app post:

• “I wish I could get in person the hamburgers that they serve on TV; they're really huge on TV, but when I go, they're flatter than a sewer cover…”
• Followed by a stern addendum: “I have a right to express myself just like you do.”

4. Meet Paul: Burger Enthusiast, Criminal Cow-Slayer, Just-Sayin’ Philosopher (40:25–78:53)

4.1. Paul’s Complaint and Burger Obsession

• Burger Disappointment: Paul laments the gap between “TV burgers” (especially Dignity Falls’ Burger Barn) and reality—billboards advertise towering burgers, but real ones disappoint.
  • Notable Quote (Paul): “When I say I’m seeing burgers on TV, I mean a vertical billboard.” (41:46)
• References “Burger Scene, Burger Achieved” as a personal motto (45:11).

4.2. Burger Barn & Subs and Stuff

• The show riffs on local businesses:
  • Burger Barn’s Big Porky Boy Burger: Three cheese-filled patties, delivered stacked and sometimes tied with twine.
  • Subs and Stuff: A massive, department-store-sized shop where the sandwich counter is tiny. They recount a lawsuit with a movie named "The Substance" and celebrity ad campaigns with Demi Moore.

4.3. Paul’s Personal Life

• Amateur Radio DJ: Paul hosts a “Just Sayin’” segment on 102.1 Dignity Falls.
• Girlfriend Lucille: Met at Burger Barn, wants to sleep in burger/pizza-shaped beds, and wears mustard as “essential oil.”
  • Notable Quote: “She smelled like a burger. She been eating them burgers. And that’s what I like.” (55:18)

4.4. Revelations and Criminal Confessions

• Paul admits to “slaying” ~8,500 cows, not his own, in pursuit of building a burger as tall as the Burger Barn billboard (67:26). He keeps the meat in home-refrigerated rooms insulated with cow hides.

  • Notable Exchange:
    • Joan: “What you’re doing is criminal. I mean, this is…”
    • Burnt: “I think that it is. I think it’s illegal.” (68:46)

• The meat tower is occasionally wheeled across town to check against the billboard, explaining the local cow shortage and leading to apocalyptic news headlines in Dignity Falls.

  • Paul’s defense: “I have the right to express myself.”

4.5. Absurd Community Interactions

• Paul chased by a “one-person mob” brandishing both pitchfork and torch (72:00).
• Hosts debate the logistics of local burgers, and why they’re now as flat as “sewer covers” due to the missing cows.

4.6. Paul’s 'Just Sayin’s (75:04–78:19)

• Paul delivers his “just sayin’” philosophical musings:

  • “Why do we park on the driveway and drive on the parkway?”
  • “How come everybody keeps to their self these days? We should be having more community.”
  • “I bet the Pringles man and the Monopoly man are related—they both have a monocle. Just saying.”
  • “How come everybody wants to have blonde hair? Don’t they say blondes are stupid? Just sayin’.”

• Running gag with "how flat are they" (the burgers) leading to classic Johnny Carson impressions (74:09, 77:56).

4.7. Exit & Aftermath

• Joan and Burnt give Paul a 20-minute head start before they call the authorities (78:26).
• Paul departs dramatically (reverse Kool-Aid Man).

5. Closing Segment: Odd Local Posts & Musical Trivia (79:05–90:46)

• Funny local post: A mother tries to evict her adult daughter from a Barbie Dream House (79:05).
• Hosts process shock and amusement from Paul’s interview, then return to the shortest musical debate, ultimately settling on Come From Away and Six as contenders, with the original Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat (25 minutes) getting a late mention. (81:03, 88:26)
• Final, meandering neighborhood post brainstorming: A new neighbor’s favorite place, “off the boat on Cashew and Jefferson,” is dissected and theorized about.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Burgers:
  • Paul: “Burger scene, burger achieved is sort of the motto by which I live my life.” (45:11)
  • Joan: “What you’re doing is criminal. I mean, this is…” (68:46)
  • Burnt: “You slay all these cows and then you make your own burgers, but you still go to Burger Barn, it sounds like.” (69:09)
• On Relationship Communication:
  • Burnt: “She wasn’t missing—she just was not…she went into her bedroom, was not responding to me. And recently I had the courage to try the doorknob to her bedroom finally. And it was unlocked.” (23:05)
• On Community:
  • Paul: “How come everybody keeps to their self these days? We should be more talking to each other…even if there’s a certain amount of cows that feel like might be too many.” (75:16)
• How Flat Are The Burgers?
  • Classic Johnny Carson routine:
    • Burnt: “The burgers in Dignity Falls are so flat…”
    • Paul: “How flat are they?”
    • Burnt: “They’re so flat, they’re competing on the US gymnastics team.” (77:58)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Opening musical/marital banter: 00:53–14:00
• Burnt’s marital mystery with Gabby: 21:54–31:31
• Burger disappointment post introduced: 38:02–40:25
• Interview with Paul (D.J. Mausner): 40:25–78:53
• Paul’s criminal cow confession: starts around 67:20
• "Just Sayin’" segment: 75:04–78:19
• Barbie Dream House post (light finish): 79:05
• Shortest musical theater trivia wrap-up: 81:03–88:44

Tone & Style

The tone stays affably absurd and improvisational, punctuated by comic riffs, light banter, and leftfield deep-dives. Despite the occasional dark turn (Paul’s cattle massacres), warmth and whimsicality dominate, while classic sketch/character improv allows each segment to spiral joyously out of control.

Summary for Listeners:
Come for forensic-level burger analysis and a man’s wild quest to achieve vertical-meat greatness; stay for small-town weirdness, marital mysteries, and a reminder to check your neighborhood app—and your meat sources—more closely.