Do Not Ring The Doorbell with Mitch Silpa

Summary

The Neighborhood Listen — “Do Not Ring The Doorbell” with Mitch Silpa
Date: December 30, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this lively and character-rich episode, hosts Burnt Millipede (Paul F. Tompkins), Joan Pedestrian (Nicole Parker), and Doug (Brett Morris) dig deep into the quirks of Dignity Falls as seen through posts from their neighborhood app. This season finale features guest Mitch Silpa as Sylvia, whose post sternly warns neighbors not to ring her doorbell when coming by for free yucca tubers—due to her “nuts” dogs. Along the way, the gang improvises, riffs on local peculiarities, and uncovers Sylvia's incredible backstory, including NYC days, secret affairs, haunted backyards, and vintage ventriloquism.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Banter, Neighborhood Updates, and Hobbit Holes

• Joan introduces Burnt with her “top actress” credentials, riffing on new dating language like “ethical non-monogamy.”
• Doug broadcasts from his homemade “hobbit hole” in the famous grassless knoll of Dignity Falls, sparking jokes about construction, loaf bread, and fantasy home decor.
• The hosts riff on Ripley’s Believe it or Not, referencing old oddities (“Banana with divot!”) and debating what’s real vs. fake.
• Burnt recounts a Christmas spent with Gabby’s family scaling Devil’s Tower, comparing its famously cracked surface to playground equipment.
• [12:05] Joan grills Burnt on the logistics: “You scaled it in 10 minutes?... That doesn’t look like a 10-minute thing!”
• The group gets into existential and social commentary, joking about rich people’s obsession with Everest, and discussing ghost stories told at dawn (that are often vehicular manslaughter tales).

2. Crowd Stories, Alien Encounter, and Carols at “Carol’s Carols”

• [27:19] Burnt recounts witnessing a UFO at Devil’s Tower: “...we saw a craft in the air. It hovered over us. We all got blistered on one side of our bodies.”
• Though 60+ people witnessed it, inexplicably, no one took a video. They lost track of time (“When the ship finally left, dawn was breaking...we must have been standing there for hours.” [30:10-30:21]).
• Joan explains how childhood trauma shapes her views on aliens: “My mother always said, ‘If aliens come, I’m leaving, I’m going with them.’” Doug is unphased: “Oh yeah, I think they’re everywhere.”
• Discussion of “Carol Dragonslayer’s” cabaret—performed while drunk, with made-up carols targeting an audience “crinkling” lady (“You deserve to spend Christmas in hell!” [20:38-21:05]).

3. Neighborhood App Highlight: "Do Not Ring My Doorbell"

• [34:40] Featured post by Sylvia: “Do NOT ring my doorbell. The dogs go nuts.” Sylvia is giving away home-dug yucca tubers (and needing help to dig them); desperate for containers, but desperate that no one ring the bell.
• The post’s urgency is underlined by copious exclamation marks.

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Guest Interview: Sylvia’s Epic Life (Mitch Silpa)

NYC Origins, Ventriloquism, and Gossip

• Sylvia moved from Brooklyn to Dignity Falls in 1974 after watching “Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore." She dated Elliott Gould, bragging: “I had so many dates with Elliott Gould.” [36:37-36:43]
• Her ventriloquist act (“Henry the Squirrel”) is demoed on air:
  • [37:58] Sylvia performs:
    • Sylvia: “Hello, Henry, how’s your day?”
    • “Well, it was nuts.”
• Reveals her son, Lyndon, is the secret lovechild of Elliott Gould. This shocks Joan, who confuses basic biology in a perimenopause-induced “feminine overdrive” moment.
• “I’ve never told anyone before. And why not do it on a podcast!” [41:07]

Life in Dignity Falls, Marriage, and Parenting

• Despite her affair, Sylvia’s still married to ice-cream-truck-driving Benny, who never knew the truth.
• Her son Lyndon is a heartbreak-prone globe-trotter, a “serial dater,” giving out Sylvia’s landline to forlorn men.

Dogs and The Infamous Doorbell

• Sylvia has eight Yorkies, memorably named—including “Look at This,” “I’m Coming,” “Apple,” and “I’m Not Elliott Gould.”
• [60:13] Sylvia mimics the doorbell and ensuing canine chaos, showcasing ventriloquist chops.
• “Look at This” walks forward; “I’m Coming” walks backward. “Something’s wrong neurologically.” [58:38]
• Advises all drop-offs to “Try knocking. The dogs don’t notice knocking.”

Skin Care Revelation

• Her “fountain of youth”? Washing her face in Mountain Dew (after a shag-rug slip plunged her face into a punchbowl).
• “Doesn’t it burn?” “It absolutely burns...But when the burning stops, my face is glowing.” [53:04]

Haunting Yards and Accidental Gardening

• Sylvia’s yard spontaneously grows yucca tubers, oak trees—and at times, garden gnomes—from seemingly nowhere.
• “They just grew...You're saying it’s like my yard is haunted?” [76:55]

Paranormal Career

• After ventriloquism became unwelcome, Sylvia became a parapsychologist, specifically a “psychologist to ghosts”:
• [68:11] “I analyze what their mental issues are...I channel ghosts.”
• Her major case: The “Kunst” family, haunted by relatives who mocked them:
  • Cookbook titles included “Cooking with Kunts” and “Cunt Dumps.” [70:12-70:24]

Notable Philosophy

• “Why not?” becomes the episode’s mantra, repeated by the hosts and Sylvia as a call-to-carefree-living.

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Memorable Quotes

• “If aliens come, I’m leaving, I’m going with them.” – Joan's mother [28:05]
• “You deserve to spend Christmas in hell.” – Joan, imitating Carol Dragonslayer’s cabaret [21:05]
• “I wash my face in Mountain Dew...It absolutely burns. Why not?” – Sylvia [53:04]
• “Why not do it on a podcast!” – Sylvia, about revealing her secret child [41:07]
• “Look at This walks straight towards you, I’m Coming walks backwards...” – Sylvia, on her Yorkies [58:38]
• “I was a parapsychologist. I analyze what their mental issues are; I channel ghosts.” – Sylvia [68:11]
• “Don’t ring the goddamn doorbell. Everybody.” – Sylvia [76:45]
• “When the burning stops, the beauty starts.” – Joan, backing up Sylvia’s skin routine [53:31]

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Fun Segments & Timestamps

• 01:25 — Banter about neighborhood roles & modern dating slang
• 04:20 — Doug’s Hobbit hole saga
• 10:24 — Burnt’s Christmas adventure at Devil’s Tower
• 27:19 — Alien encounter: group-wide blistering and lost time
• 34:40 — Introduction of Sylvia’s viral post
• 36:30 — Sylvia’s biography: Brooklyn to Dignity Falls, ventriloquism & Elliott Gould
• 53:04 — Sylvia’s Mountain Dew facial skincare regimen
• 60:13 — Doorbell & dog chaos (ventriloquism demonstration)
• 68:11 — Sylvia’s career as a parapsychologist for ghosts
• 70:04 — The Kunst family haunting, cookbook titles, and community in-jokes
• 76:55 — Haunted yard speculation
• 80:08 — Reflection on secrets, identity, and the possibility of setting her son free
• 85:04 — Farewell from Sylvia and wrap-up on living life with abandon (“Why not?”)

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Tone & Language

• Warm, offbeat, and improvisational; comedic tangents are frequent.
• Frequent callbacks to running gags (“Why not?”), pop culture riffs, and subtle (sometimes not-so-subtle) wordplay.
• Joyful acceptance of “over-sharing” and neighborhood weirdness; mock-seriousness about UFOs and hauntings gives way to endearing, earnest sharing.

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Summary Takeaway

This episode masterfully weaves local color, absurd humor, and genuine emotion. What begins as a simple warning not to ring the doorbell quickly unspools into a multi-generational tale of love, secrets, and spooky (or just noisy) domesticity. The hosts and guest revel in the freedom of the “why not” attitude, ensuring Dignity Falls’ last episode of the season is brimming with laughter, warmth, and non-stop surprises.

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For more Dignity Falls adventures and offbeat neighborly drama, tune in next season—or check out bonus episodes on cbbworld.com.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins.

[A]

And I'm Nicole Parker.

[B]

On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website.

[A]

Occasionally we change the names of some.

[B]

Streets and that's all you need to know to support the show and unlock the Ad free archive as well as exclusive monthly episodes of the bonus room. Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership.

[A]

And now, please enjoy this episode of the Neighborhood Listen.

[B]

Knock knock.

[A]

Who's there?

[B]

Your neighbor.

[A]

Good. In Dignity Falls, you're never alone. You've got the neighbor half AV and us burnt and Jode. From coyotes to male theft to weird things to sell.

[B]

We'll cover it all and meet new neighbors as well.

[A]

We'll chat about any post you're missing. So just tune in to the Neighborhood.

[C]

Listen.

[B]

Welcome to the Neighborhood. Listen. This is the podcast that explores the neighborhood of Dignity Falls through the eyes of its many residents. I am one such resident. My name is Burnt Miyapede. I'm the pharmacist in chief of the Dignity Falls missy right here in Dignity Falls.

[A]

And with me, as always, is Joan Pedestrian. Thank you for that fabulous intro, Burnt. I am the top realtor here at Dignity Falls and I'm the local top actress.

[B]

Yes, you are.

[A]

I'm switching it up. Normally I say top local actress and saying the local top actress.

[B]

Why don't you say actress comma, top local.

[A]

That almost just sounds like I'm searching for a specific partner on the dating app. You know, all the kids have these new terms and I don't know what anything means. You know, such as. And I. Well, like, there's many differences between. There's something called non ethical. Or is it something ethical? Monogamy versus polyamorous. I'm trying to learn about it all. Jalapey is trying to.

[B]

Ethical non monogamy.

[A]

Is that what it's called?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

How do you know about that? Burns?

[B]

Why? Here are lots of things.

[A]

I mean, I guess unethical monogamy doesn't make any sense. Well, I mean, but it's probably a category.

[B]

It probably is.

[A]

Good. And I'm saying that with respect.

[B]

Non ethical monogamy probably is when you have more than one spouse.

[A]

Probably.

[B]

We have secret but you're saying.

[A]

Say it again.

[B]

Ethical non monogamy.

[A]

Right. Everyone's on board with the fact that we're gonna, you know.

[B]

Yes. You tell people, I'm going to have sex with someone else tonight.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

And then the other person has to.

[A]

Take it, so to speak.

[B]

They have to just sit there, so to speak.

[A]

Fine. In more than one way.

[B]

Yeah. What I like about it is it's always one person's idea.

[A]

Do you think that's right?

[B]

No. I mean, obviously there are people that are. They're all on board with it, but.

[A]

I know. I just. For me. And the thing is, honestly, in some ways it sounds fantastic, but in other ways, I always worry about jealousy. You know?

[B]

You know what I. I mean, Joe, I was. I was gonna say. I was gonna say, you know what.

[A]

I did, I think in trying to make sure that I was being supportive of every community.

[B]

You got yourself in trouble. Send it to overzealous within your community. Correct. Now, that voice who was saying.

[A]

Ok, who's having a.

[B]

That is Joan's husband crisis right now? He's our. He's. And Doug, where are you today? In the house.

[D]

Is this because I'm in the hobbit hole?

[A]

Oh, God, the hobbit.

[B]

Why would you.

[A]

So many other rooms that would have pushed me into ethical non monogamy before that one.

[B]

But why would it be the hobbit hole, though? Because it's just not cool. Or because maybe you've gotten smaller.

[A]

You're talking about. Because you're making. You're talking about the circular green door? Is that what you're talking about? Why was there a pause?

[D]

In the knoll outside?

[A]

Yeah, in the knoll.

[B]

He's built.

[A]

He's built it into the knoll.

[D]

I can't believe I haven't done this yet.

[A]

Our famous knoll.

[B]

Oh, it's the talk of the town.

[A]

Well, because it became this thing. I was like, well, everyone wanted a knoll.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And it was like, how do I get a knoll? And you're just like, well, because it's a. It's a. It's a natural knoll. The natural knoll.

[B]

And it's grassless. And that's the interesting thing about it. The grassless knoll. You, like, say shaved.

[D]

It's a shaved. No, it's benign.

[B]

Benign.

[A]

Okay, man. Okay, so. So what?

[B]

I can't parse that.

[A]

I can't either. Let's just move on. So. So that's what I'm worried about, is that. Have you changed? Have you Affected the integrity of the knoll.

[D]

Oh. Oh, dear. I hope not.

[B]

Oh, no, Doug.

[D]

Well, I mean, my hobbit hole would cave in.

[A]

Pause burn. I think I know what's happening now. Doug was think. Am I correct, babe? Yeah, yeah. That's why he.

[D]

I left it unexplained.

[A]

That's where his brain was.

[D]

It hits later. Some of my jokes.

[A]

Sure does. Or not at all.

[B]

Also, sometimes we're not sure they're jokes.

[D]

Neither am I.

[B]

Those are the best ones, Doug, to be fair.

[A]

Listen, Doug is a fan favorite. Oh. And you know what? I'm going to say fan, because we always say we have listeners, not fans. But I think, babe, you got fans.

[B]

Doug has fans.

[A]

He has fans. We do not.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[D]

There's probably some detractors.

[B]

Could be more, in my opinion.

[A]

What are you trying to manifest?

[B]

I'm not trying to manifest anything. I'm just saying when people.

[D]

I mean, there could be more. Yeah, that.

[A]

Yeah. Well, we should be countering our blessings.

[B]

Could be more. Who are silent. The silent majority.

[A]

Oh, is that what you're saying? The ones who just aren't saying the quiet part out loud?

[B]

Yes.

[D]

They're like.

[B]

Well, other people seem to like him. I'm just gonna hold my tongue.

[D]

Probably a lot of those.

[A]

Where are you at with the construction then?

[B]

Where are you at?

[D]

Yeah, I have a lot of like just nice loaves of bread and like the baby.

[B]

That's part of the construction.

[A]

Wait.

[D]

One of my favorite parts of the hobbit house.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Is the food inside?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

You're just getting props at this point. That's all you're doing. That's what you're focusing.

[D]

Well, it's a big hole. I've yet to finish all of it.

[A]

Is there furniture worrying about the big hole?

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Are the walls sanded or whatever?

[A]

Sanded. In this case, we turned against Hubert together.

[B]

I don't know. What. What do you say?

[A]

It's a rare moment where Doug and I were on the same page.

[B]

Look, I'm not a groundhog. I don't know.

[D]

You've seen it, right?

[A]

You've immersed yourself that inside a hobbit's house. It's very rustic looking. Not sanded at all? No. Fine.

[B]

It's very smooth.

[A]

Is it?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I don't remember the.

[B]

Essentially it's a man or hobbit made cave. You know, inserts structures.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

They're beautiful. You know, a friend of min. New Zealand and got to visit Hobbiton.

[A]

Oh. You see Hobbiton. I'm Sorry. I'm sorry. It's not.

[B]

Well, because we have a hobbit town here. We have a hobbit town here that you don't want to go to after dark. Especially if you're wearing shorts. Yes.

[A]

The. The. The children playing hobbits grab your ankles.

[B]

Yes, they do. They love to do.

[A]

Terrifying.

[B]

They love to do it. And there's always. There's always a go.

[A]

And sometimes they have. There's. Sometimes they have knives. Sometimes they do. The little pet cemetery kid. Achilles. Yeah. Now, that is one movie I've seen that's a horror movie. And, boy, at that moment. That moment was terrible. That little evil kid sliced Fred Gwyn's gage. Gage. The Munsters. Fred Munster. He heard him.

[B]

Fred Munster.

[A]

Wait. Sorry. It's Fred Gwyn.

[D]

Sometimes death is better.

[A]

That was a very good bait. He's nailing it with.

[B]

Really good.

[A]

Is it edg.

[B]

Crushing. It's Fred Gwyn.

[A]

It is Fred Gwyn. What? What? What?

[B]

Herman.

[D]

Herman Munsterman.

[A]

Oh, Herman. Oh, we have to do it last episode.

[B]

Oh, Herman, don't we?

[A]

But we've successfully done an Elizabeth McGovern from her character in Downton Abbey voice every single episode.

[B]

Every single episode.

[A]

And you know what? It was fun every time. I hope it was fun for everyone.

[B]

It was.

[A]

Oh, Herman, your forehead is so big.

[B]

Well, why is your head so flat?

[A]

Well, at least it's easiest to. You're the easiest person to tell if you have a fever because your forehead is so big.

[B]

Herman.

[D]

The two utes.

[B]

Oh, Herman, you're bolts. Oh, you're doing. Oh, we're going through all.

[A]

Now we're doing car fix.

[D]

Oh, that's right. Are you. That's not from pet cemetery.

[A]

No, babe, you know that it's not.

[B]

Is this one of Doug's famous jokes?

[A]

I can't tell. Can't tell.

[D]

You decide.

[B]

Do you know when I was a kid and Ripley's Believe it or not, you know, I have, like. I had one of those books, you know, paperback books. Ripley's Believe it or not had the picture of the banana that had a big divot cut out of it, but it was still standing up. And I guess that was a thing you could choose to believe or not. And my interpretation of the phrase believe it or not was some of these things are fake.

[A]

I see. Yeah, some of them are believe it and some of them are not.

[B]

You're right not to believe them.

[A]

Got it.

[B]

And now it wasn't. And then I forgot about it for a long time. And then years later, I realized, oh, no, they're purporting that all of these things are true. And if you don't believe it, you. Nothing you do will change the fact that this is real.

[A]

I get that there's a book, but what. What is in the museum? Why is there a museum? Or why is there a building? What. What do you see in there?

[B]

Museums. In. In Los Angeles, California.

[A]

Like, there's more than one in there.

[B]

Believe it or not. Oh, yeah.

[A]

What's in there? Behind, you know, glass walls. Men committing Joan.

[D]

No, that was a Joan joke.

[B]

That was a Joan.

[A]

No, I like. That was a Joan jab.

[B]

That was a classic Joan jab.

[A]

Anyways, that was interesting.

[B]

You drank the water while you were laughing. I feel like that was courting disaster.

[A]

You know me, I always have to stay hydrated. I do it no matter what's going on. I don't interrupt anything while I'm a hula hooping.

[B]

Might as well give myself this injection.

[A]

Now. Bert, we cannot wait any longer. We have to know all about what happened when you spent Christmas Eve with Gabby's family going to Wyoming and scaling the Devil's Tower.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

And we were talking about some of the crack carols that they sing, because, of course, as we know, there's many cracks in this mountain, which makes it very popular to climb because we assume you can get your fingers and your toes in all those cracks. So why don't you tell us about how it went? You do look. I will say you look very blistered.

[B]

Well, yeah.

[A]

On.

[B]

On one side of my face.

[A]

Correct. I want to know about that.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. It was way more crowded than we anticipated. There were a lot of people. Scaling Devil's Tower is only that crazy.

[A]

Thing when you see videos of Mount Everest and it looks like 5 o' clock traffic.

[B]

I have not seen such videos.

[A]

Are you serious?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, it's become so overrun with rich people just trying to do it. And they just stand there. They're just standing. There's that many people trying to get to the top of Mount Everest.

[B]

Why don't rich people want to help people?

[A]

I don't know. No. Why is it always, I wonder this every day?

[B]

I have to go to a mountain. I have to go to space. I have to go to the bottom of the ocean.

[A]

They're just trying to get away.

[B]

I wish I could have an experience nobody else could have. How about helping someone? That would be interesting.

[A]

Okay, so it was crowded.

[B]

So it was very. So many people. A lot of families.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

There were children as young as Six.

[C]

Whoa.

[A]

Yeah, I guess they did say it's a popular hike when I looked it up.

[B]

Very popular. And there's so many cracks.

[A]

So many cracks.

[B]

So many cracks.

[A]

Tell us about the cracks.

[B]

Well, the cracks are. Are so. They're so easy to get your hand and. And feet into. It really is a breeze.

[A]

How long did it take?

[B]

It's like 10 minutes.

[A]

Oh, my God. Now that doesn't look. Wait a minute. From the picture, it looks very tall. It doesn't look like a 10 minute thing. We're talking about a playground ladder.

[B]

That's how good the crack system is.

[A]

That's how good the crack.

[B]

Yeah, you can practically run up there via cracks. There was a kid looking at an iPad. He was watching K Pop. Demon Hunters.

[A]

Oh, I love those. I love those songs so much.

[B]

I love those Demon Hunters.

[A]

There's. They're so great. But what I want to know is then. Okay, so then explain the blisters, because if you scaled it within 10 minutes, it probably didn't happen when you were climbing. I think there's time.

[B]

No, no. The weather was great.

[A]

And can I ask this? Usually people start climbing a mountain when it's dark because of course it can take all day. This is so. This is what's really shocking to me about this. That you scaled it in 10.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

We started at 6:00am okay, so it was dark the entire time then. Okay. When did the sun rise?

[B]

The sun rose probably an hour later.

[A]

Okay, so then what do you do then?

[B]

Well, we set up.

[A]

I mean, what do you do while you're waiting for it? Sure.

[B]

Well, we tell ghost stories, of course.

[A]

Of course. Just like that, that Christmas carol we tell six.

[B]

They have ghost stories and they all have to take place in the morning. That's right. Tales of past glories. They all have to take place at 6am the ghost stories.

[A]

Oh, they do. Oh, this is per. This is for Gabby's family.

[B]

You can fudge it. Yeah, you can stay. Oh, and by the way, this takes place now.

[A]

How many people were setting up camp there? It was crowded to climb, but was it crowded to camp?

[B]

We were the only ones sticking around to camp. What a lot of people do is they get up to the top, they walk across it, then they go down.

[A]

The other side, they slide down. Do they bring like inner tubes? Is it like the dunes?

[B]

It is not like the dunes. Not quite as. It's not quite as. As. As gradual as you would like it.

[A]

Of course it would blast.

[B]

Of course it would y. But a lot of people will they'll drive stakes into the ground, and they'll sort of slide down on a rope or a cord.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah. Which is, I guess, like kind of a zip line kind of thing, except you're going down. It's very video gamey.

[A]

James Bond would escape a window of a skyscraper.

[B]

Precisely.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

What's that, Doug?

[D]

I think zip lines always go down.

[B]

Zip line.

[D]

I don't think you can go up a zip line.

[B]

They don't go up. You forgot about a cross.

[A]

He'll die on this knoll.

[B]

Not so benign now. Very combative. What? A combative mole.

[A]

So, wait, but what I want to know is it looks like there's no flat plateau at the top of this.

[B]

No, it's very flat up there.

[C]

It is?

[B]

Yes. You get up to the top, it.

[A]

Looks like it's very pointy. All right.

[B]

No, we look at the picture together.

[A]

I know. Okay, well, then let's look at it again, because it really doesn't look. It looks pointy. Well, look, I'll take your word for it.

[D]

I gotta go with burnt on this one.

[B]

Joan, you're in for a big. You don't remember in Close Encounters when he's building the thing, and then he realizes when I.

[A]

When I said.

[B]

Okay, okay, I'm done talking.

[A]

I feel like I still had the. The. What is it the conch? What do people say when they have the.

[B]

Oh, in Lord of the Flies?

[A]

Is that it?

[B]

I have the conch? Or the conch, as people want us to say.

[A]

Right. I thought I still had it because I was looking up this picture. Okay? And that's the only reason why I kept talking.

[B]

If you look. No, that is a rule we have. If you're looking up a picture, you get stuck for so long. Stakes. Now do you see?

[D]

I mean, that's as flat as anything could be.

[A]

But how can you tell? Because all I see is the.

[B]

You can tell by the other pictures that you conveniently ignored.

[A]

You think I can't see your phone? I did. I did put in Devil's Tower pointy. I led the witness on that one. Okay? I.

[B]

Tower, Devil's Tower pointy.

[A]

It showed me what I wanted to see. AI gave me what I wanted to see.

[B]

Very pointy, if I may say.

[A]

Kidding. Okay, so tell me what it was like up there. Tell me about the ghost stories.

[B]

This is where we were at the ghost stories. Most of them involved vehicular manslaughter.

[A]

Do those count as ghost stories?

[B]

Well, because a ghost.

[A]

Was it about the people wandering the earth afterwards?

[B]

Yes, yes. Yes.

[A]

Okay. Well, God, that's. But sounds so dark. Were any of them ghost stories? Were any of them.

[B]

A man died of old age surrounded by his family, and then he came back as a ghost because he just had. He was having such a great time.

[A]

I see. I like. Now that's a ghost story.

[B]

That's a good ghost story.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No. Why aren't there any more happy ghost stories?

[A]

Casper's a happy ghost story. In some ways, Christmas Carol's a happy ghost story eventually. Speaking of which, I saw Carol's Carols. Oh, Carol Dragonslayer. She's doing a cabaret. Of course, if people don't realize, Carol Dragonslayer has a podcast with Mitch McNutt called the Bitchin Hut. And I know, please, let's not get into it, but did you spit on the ground again?

[B]

It's a reflex.

[A]

Well, it's okay. I put. I put lining down on the floor because I knew I was gonna bring them up this time. It protected my floor.

[B]

And peanuts. Peanut shells and peanuts.

[D]

Oh, I was eating peanuts and peanuts.

[B]

Peanuts. The comic strip.

[A]

Took me forever to find just peanuts. And anyways, Carol Dragon slayer is, you know, she comes from a long line of dragon slayers. Kiki, Dragon Slayer. Oh, I didn't say the whole thing. I'm so sorry. You're not supposed to say her name.

[B]

You're really not supposed to say her name.

[A]

This is a deep cut, but some people might. Might know and remember about this woman. Anyways, make your critical. If you. If you. If you know, maybe and have been listening. She's sort of my rival as like a local theater actress, but she wishes she were and she hates you.

[B]

She actually speaks very highly of Joan, but I don't know how genuine it is.

[A]

It's true. I think your enemies. Closer situation. Oh. She's constantly drunk and she. There was no exception here when she did Carol's Carols. I call it Carol Spirits, more like.

[B]

You know, because it's the alcohol.

[A]

And it was. It was. You know, I went to support her and it was, you know, it definitely was one of those. It's so bad. It's good. It was a. So bad.

[B]

Wow. So you were entertained ultimately?

[A]

I absolutely was.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. And because she made them all up and she had these weird guest stars in it. She did have someone playing like, the Ghost of Christmas Past and she.

[C]

That was it.

[B]

Just the one ghost? Yes.

[A]

Oh, wait, no, you're right. She has the other two. Yeah, that's right.

[B]

That would be interesting if you did Christmas Carol. Like, just the one.

[A]

You know, it was so obnoxious. Her bio was two pages long.

[B]

Two pages normally.

[A]

And this is so annoying. When you get hired to do a show, they're like like 29 words and that's it.

[D]

And no more just under 30.

[A]

And they are vicious about it. They'll end a sentence where you're like, thanks to my. And that's it. That's it.

[B]

That's why when you. When you read a bio in a theater program, it's just like tv Phil.

[A]

That's correct. That's correct. It starts off with any Broadway show.

[B]

Jacob is thrilled to make his debut.

[A]

SVU csi, thanks to Mags. But it's thx.

[D]

There was this woman in the front row crinkling.

[A]

There was a woman in the front row crinkling the. The candies. And she. She did a song about her, you know. She what? Yeah, she did. Because I think she knew she was going to be there because I heard she talked about how she actually had a. She was a caller in on the podcast.

[B]

Podcast.

[A]

Yeah. And so she wrote. She. She wrote like a song about that. It was like. It was like no Christmas bells. Well, cuz she's drunk. I'm trying to do her.

[B]

Oh, no, I understand.

[A]

Yes, it was kind of like. It was kind of like that. That. They all sounded like a Christmas call. This one sounded like Bells will be Ringing. What's that song?

[D]

Bon Jovi.

[A]

No.

[B]

Well, Bon Jovi did do it.

[A]

Oh, did he cover it? Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

[B]

Oh Eagles did.

[A]

What a Christmas. What's the title of that song? To have the Blues. Please Come up for Christmas.

[B]

Is that what it's called? Okay.

[A]

Right. But she was like, you won't get no Christmas. Doo doo doo doo. Pretty much. She just took the actual carols and just changed the lyrics to them. Yes, she did. She was like.

[B]

Did she not have music?

[A]

She didn't have a band.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

She was like, you don't get any presents, you know. Oh no. She even did like that. She did like the guitar solo. That part was actually kind of impressive. But she was just like. And you deserve to spend Christmas in hell.

[B]

This. This was a song about the crinkling lady.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You served to spend Christmas in hell.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Isn't it interesting, the idea that they would have Christmas in hell, they would still celebrate.

[A]

Think about it. Yeah, Just a ton of puddles everywhere of just carrots and top hats.

[B]

Do you think you're like, you're in hell? Right. And then what makes it so Bad is every Christmas. Then the devil just walks around. It's Christmas, by the way.

[A]

You would show it just another day in hell. Yeah.

[B]

Yep.

[D]

Or you get your hopes so high.

[B]

Oh, he's.

[C]

He's get.

[B]

He's like, gassing people up like, Christmas is coming.

[D]

This year is going to be great.

[B]

Okay, look, I know I'm famous for empty promises, but this Christmas is going to be fun.

[A]

A few less lashes, maybe. Fingers crossed. All right, now, I did mean. I did not mean to go on that tangent.

[B]

That's all right.

[A]

So tell us about. Okay, you did the ghost stories. Then what happened?

[D]

Did you tell any ghoul stories?

[A]

Oh, that's right.

[B]

I tried to tell a ghoul story and I was shouted down.

[A]

Were shouted down.

[B]

Yes. Her family, they take these traditions seriously.

[A]

Yeah, they do. They do. So, okay, after the ghost stories were done.

[B]

Yes. So the. Then the sun came up and we set up camp. We. We set up all our tents and yurts and we had the top.

[A]

How many did you have?

[B]

Everyone had their own tent or yurt.

[A]

So how many people?

[B]

Oh, well, you know, she has a big family, so we're talking about 60 people.

[A]

What? Yeah, 60 tents or yurts. And how did they decide? Is it like first come, first yurt?

[B]

No, everybody brings their own.

[A]

Oh, go in. Go to sit in the yurt. You could sweat out your fever.

[B]

Have some yogurt in your yurt. Oh, Johnny Cash is hurt. So, yeah, each family. Yeah, each sort of little sub family brings their own domicile.

[A]

Crazy.

[B]

And it's everybody from great grandparents to great grandchildren.

[A]

Well, apparently, because a great grandchild or a great grandparent can just get up that easy if you got it in 10 minutes, I guess it was fine for everybody.

[B]

I mean, they were leading the charge.

[A]

So good for them.

[B]

And so then we. Then we erect the Christmas tree.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Which we had to bring with us.

[A]

Sure. Wow, the packs must have been insane on your backs.

[B]

They were. W. Well, some people. Some things were left on the bottom, and then we hauled them up.

[A]

Okay. I'm picturing, like, the Grinch. I mean, truly, just that sled, just full of toys and a tree.

[B]

Can I say something?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

The story is called how the Grinch Stole Christmas. I know I've talked about this before.

[A]

I don't know that you have, but.

[B]

No one can tell me why it should not be why the Grinch told Christmas, which is the. That's the whole thrust of the story.

[A]

Or honestly, just, you know, several other options, like why the Grinch's heart Grew that day. How about a little bit of a spoiler?

[B]

When the Grinch stole Christmas. That covers everything. That's just a story we're telling. Did you ever hear the story when the Grinch Stole Christmas? It's also.

[A]

I don't, I don't care about when. How. Tell me how it.

[B]

Everything about this. First of all, who's the Grinch? Come on now, you act like what I mean, mean if, if you're introducing.

[A]

This story, you want a Grinch origin story. Wicked style.

[B]

This is the. No, I don't want that at all. I'm saying it's the title of it is. Is wrong all the way around.

[A]

I do, I do understand. I've always been bothered by it.

[B]

It's a new story you've never heard before. Okay, here's the story of how the Grinch stole Christmas. Who?

[A]

Who? Wait, who. Wait, stop there. Back up.

[B]

Stole Christmas. Okay, how'd he do it? Oh, he put all the presents in a big bag. That's it? No, no, no, no.

[A]

I mean he took the roast.

[B]

No, no, no. Then eventually, blah, blah, blah, blah. Ok. Why he did it.

[A]

You're not wrong. You're not wrong. Burnt.

[D]

How about Grinch, colon, A thieves tail.

[A]

Sure. Like Robin Hood. Is that what they see?

[B]

That sounds a little too DND for me.

[A]

Wasn't that what the Kevin B. Kevin Bacon, Footloose.

[B]

A green story.

[A]

No, wasn't that what the Kevin Costner one was called? Wasn't that it? It was like Robin Hood and then colon, Prince of Thieves. Okay, I was close. I was close.

[B]

She was the Prince of Thieves.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Men in tights.

[A]

Very different. That was the spoof one. I know. That's one of Doug's favorite movies. Oh my God, he loves it. Loves it.

[B]

Well, you're a huge Savelle fan.

[A]

So what happens after everyone's pitched their tents and yurts?

[B]

Well, then we sit around, we have, we have eggnog, we're roasting chestnuts. You know, we're doing all these Christmas things. It's beautiful out there. And then, you know, as the sun goes down, we start opening.

[A]

Oh, so that was the whole day? We did the whole day because you said that the sun just rose.

[B]

Well, it's Christmas. I mean, you know, there's.

[D]

Sure.

[A]

But I mean. Ok, okay. So for the whole day it was just tents, yurts, chestnuts.

[B]

Well, okay, and some of the, some of the men in the family describe a football game.

[A]

And the women just go over to the side of the, of the, of the.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Yeah, make some food.

[B]

Yeah, they pretend to make some food.

[A]

Wait, you'd have any food?

[B]

No, we had freeze dried food.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Sort of astronaut stuff.

[A]

Astronaut pumpkin pie.

[B]

It's better than you think. I bet it's better than you think.

[A]

Okay, so then it's nighttime now. What? We still haven't gotten to the blisters?

[B]

No, we haven't.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Because you're pressing me for every hour of the day.

[A]

No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I was just shocked. We really kind of went and I know we have to get. You know, I'm sure we've been talking almost for too long, but it is our last episode, you know, so that's fair.

[B]

Of the season.

[A]

Of the season. Nobody worry. Nobody worry. Sorry, go ahead.

[B]

Yes. So we start opening presents and it's, you know, the kids are having such a great time. It's really lovely. And we're singing carols and things like that. We're tearing open our packets of pudding. And then as it got dark, a very strange thing happened where. It's strange that when I tell you this, I don't feel anything about it.

[C]

Oh, no. Okay.

[B]

But we saw a craft in the air.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

And it slowly descended. Oh. And it sort of hovered over us. And we all got sort of blistered on one side of our bodies.

[A]

That is so bizarre. All of you?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

And everyone saw the exact same thing. Did anyone film it?

[B]

No, we didn't film it.

[C]

Oh.

[B]

And we talked about filming it.

[D]

Oh.

[A]

I mean, we.

[B]

We were looking at this thing.

[A]

How long did it hang out there?

[B]

Oh, for about 45 minutes.

[A]

Oh, that's long.

[D]

You talked about filming it?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

People would say, out of 60 people, no one pulled out of a document device.

[B]

So many of us said, we should probably be filming this. And then somebody else would say, yeah, we should.

[A]

Weird.

[B]

Nobody made a move to do so.

[A]

I wonder if it was like. Well, if this was real. I don't know. I'm not. I've never known if I believe in aliens. Because we know that. My mom never known. Well, no, I've never known it for myself. When I try to think of the knowing of it for myself, I don't know. And of course, I think that I am affected by the traumatic childhood I had because of. We have talked about before. My mother had said to us, we were very young. One of the first memories is, if aliens come, I'm leaving, I'm going with them. And it was terrible. Babe. What? Where are you at with aliens now?

[B]

Doug? What?

[A]

Huh?

[B]

What's up with you with aliens?

[D]

Oh, yeah. I think they're everywhere.

[A]

Sounded like everywhere. He thinks they're everywhere.

[B]

You think they're everywhere?

[D]

It could be. I have, I have reason to believe that there could be evidence of that.

[A]

Can we call a set chance you.

[B]

Have reason to believe that there could be evidence of that?

[A]

That. So he has reason to believe. And I don't know that I know.

[B]

I suspect that. I have reason to believe that there could be evidence of that.

[D]

Some say that there is reason to believe that there could be evidence.

[A]

Well, Bert apparently had firsthand contact with Burned his skin.

[D]

Did you hold your hand up or anything? Did you wave? Did you make any gestures?

[B]

No, none of us did.

[A]

You know why this happened? Did you sing?

[D]

Did you spontaneously.

[B]

We did sing that song from the who's. Oh, yeah. Yahoo.

[D]

Dore.

[B]

That didn't do anything.

[A]

Now, see, I would have thought you would have gone, right.

[B]

No one thought to do it really.

[A]

But you're on the, you're on the actual mountain. That's why. That's why. Maybe. Do you think it's a prank that people play on someone who decides to camp at the top of it because of the movie?

[D]

Whoever owns the mountain.

[A]

Whoever owns the mountain.

[D]

Probably do that.

[A]

You know, the country.

[B]

I mean, I, I, it's possible I.

[D]

Would if I did.

[B]

If it was very elaborate, they would.

[A]

Go to the trouble of half blistering you, but maybe that seems like a law.

[D]

Well, you never see, you probably still.

[A]

Sue those aliens if they're real.

[B]

What's that?

[D]

Did you lose time?

[A]

Oh, good question.

[B]

We did lose time. It's because it's it. When the ship finally left, dawn was breaking. Oh, so we must have been standing there for hours.

[A]

Spooky. And you didn't see any alien beings inside?

[B]

No, we did not. The windows were all covered with newspaper peanuts.

[A]

Weird.

[B]

Yeah, that was weird for an alien spacecraft to have the windows covered with newspaper.

[A]

Very strange. That makes me more suspicious that it's not real then. Yeah.

[B]

The newspaper did look like alien writing, though.

[A]

It did, yeah. Can you describe it?

[B]

And there were pictures of like.

[A]

Did it look like Avatar? What's that with the Santa pyros?

[B]

Oh, papyrus, yes. No, this looked like the sort of squiggly lines, you know, that sort of classic alien writing.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, sure.

[A]

How long have we been talking, babe? Oh, boy.

[D]

So him having a close encounter wasn't it's time to wrap up up.

[A]

Oh.

[D]

30 minutes.

[A]

Oh, no. Well, it's our last episode. It's our Last episode. It's our last episode. It's episode 13. We might as well give it a little extra 10 minutes.

[B]

Talk about the third kind.

[A]

All right, well, let's get to our guest. After a break, we'll be right back.

[B]

When they never listen. When they never listen. Return.

[A]

Wherever you go, whatever they get into, from chill time to everyday adventures. Protect your dog from parasites with Cridellio Guattro. For full safety information, side effects and warnings, visit cordelioquatrolabel.com consult your vet or call 1-888-545-5973. Ask your vet for Cordelio Cuatro and visit quattrodog.com.

[B]

Hi, this is Randa. Free communications arts magazines bought for my daughter when she was a student at Pratt in New York. I have at least two boxes. Now, I know that the picture looks like there's a couple lines of cocaine on the magazine, but that is just a trick of the light, which is funny because you the. Because of communication arts, the art of communication. And this photo is communicating. There's two fat rails of coke on this magazine. And it almost looks like on the picture as if the gentleman in the photo is. Maybe he's snorting them from beneath the.

[A]

The.

[B]

The rails, the cocaine lines. And I think that's just a. An interesting thing. At least that's what my daughter told me when she was at Pratt. And there's two boxes of these. They don't all look like they have cocaine lines on them, but they do all look like they haven't been touched. So if you have a child and you pay for their education. Education. And then on top of that, you buy them some fancy. Yes. Magazine that they're not even gonna look at. I guess I'd say to you, welcome to the club. Well, that's it for Randa this time out. I'll catch you next time when I have something else to give away or sell. This is Randa signing off foreign. Welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen. Well, Joan, it's that time. For the. For the last time this season, we have a guest. What we do every week, folks, is we scour the neighborhap, the social networking application or neighborhoods, and we look for interesting people to talk to in dignity Falls. If you see a post that you think we should talk about, why don't you screenshot it and send it to [e-mail] like this person has done. This is from a listener name named Timothy Hansen. Can that be true?

[D]

Timothy sounds like he belongs in the Hobbit hole.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

I love him.

[A]

I love Timothy.

[B]

Timothy. Oh, Master Timothy. I'll follow you to the cakes of the dunes.

[A]

Oh, Timothy. Feel warm.

[B]

I wonder if an N got added to the end of that.

[A]

I liked. I like. I love that name. Well, Timothy, give us a shout out if it's real. Yeah.

[B]

Timothy, do you exist? This was posted in the general section. It's posted by our guest. Our guest writes, I plan on putting some more yucca tubers out next week. If I can dig them up. Please do not ring my doorbell. They are big and deep in the ground and it's hard to dig them up. If somebody has a strong arm and wouldn't mind helping me dig them up, I will be home next week on Monday and put out more flowers and tubers at the end of the driveway.

[A]

Wait, is it all caps?

[B]

No, no. Only here's what's in all caps. The repeated phrase, please do not ring my doorbell.

[A]

Got it. Okay. Okay.

[B]

I still need some quart size and larger plastic containers for future giveaways. If you don't mind donating a few. I will give you my address through a private message. Please do not ring my doorbell. The dogs go nuts.

[A]

Oh my goodness.

[B]

The only punctuation is exclamation marks.

[A]

Okay, got it now.

[B]

Here to tell us about this post is is Sylvia. Sylvia, welcome to the neighborhood.

[C]

Hello. Thank you for having me. And why not.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

And why not? And why not?

[C]

Why not?

[B]

Why not?

[C]

We're all alive.

[A]

We sure are. Why not thank for that? It sure is.

[C]

Oh, thank you for acknowledging. Yeah, it's important to acknowledge life.

[A]

I agree. I agree. So why don't you tell us about these. Where do you want to start? Burnt.

[B]

Do you want to talk with the yucca tubers? What is it?

[A]

I figured you out.

[C]

Yucca tuba. It's first of all the bay of my existence I have. I've lived in dignity. Fools. My, it's full since we moved here in 1970.

[B]

Where are you from?

[A]

Sounds about right.

[C]

Bensonhurst.

[B]

Bensonhurst? Is that New Jersey? No, New York.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Brooklyn.

[B]

Oh, yes.

[A]

Oh my goodness.

[C]

Different time.

[A]

How fun it was.

[C]

I had a fun time. I dated.

[A]

Brooklyn always just seems so fun.

[C]

In the 60s and 70s. I had so many dates with Elliott Gould.

[B]

Did you really?

[C]

I have so many Elliott Gould stories.

[B]

Let's hear one.

[A]

Was Barbara ever around?

[C]

Oh, I had to leave when she came into the picture.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[C]

Elliott Gould And I would just walk through Central park and point at squirrels. Name them.

[A]

You would hold Hands. Who said name them?

[C]

What?

[A]

Oh, I thought you said, name them. Name them.

[B]

No, Sylvia said you would name them.

[C]

We would name this.

[A]

You know what happened, Sylvia? I was. I was down. I had my head down in laughter.

[C]

Oh, sure.

[A]

And sort of just like. I was very charmed by this.

[C]

Why not?

[A]

And I just heard someone say, name them, and I couldn't tell who's the name.

[B]

You thought I sounded like Sylvia?

[A]

No, I just. I guess so. I guess so.

[C]

Did she tie through my voice? Oh, I do do that sometimes.

[A]

Do you really want to get into that?

[C]

When I lived in Brooklyn, in the vill, and I'd go into the village sometimes, which is in Manhattan.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I would do this. I had a little ventriloquist act, and it's how I met Mr. Gould. Yeah.

[A]

Can I ask what your dummy was?

[C]

Oh, sure.

[A]

What was the character?

[C]

It was the squirrel.

[A]

It was.

[C]

That's how we connected.

[A]

Oh, my gosh. Could you remember any of your act?

[C]

No. Sure. Okay. My squirrel's name was Henry.

[A]

Oh, how adorable.

[C]

Well, it's very cute.

[A]

Very cute.

[B]

Huge teeth.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Hello, Henry. How's your day going?

[B]

Pretty good.

[C]

Well, it sounds like you've had some bad stuff happen.

[A]

And just, you all know, she is doing this with a complete smile. It's really, really effective.

[C]

I'm playing the squirrel with the teeth.

[A]

I. I know.

[C]

Anyway, Henry, it sounds like you had kind of a rough day.

[B]

Well, it was nuts.

[A]

Oh, very funny.

[B]

Because he's a squirrel. Yeah, that was.

[A]

Oh, you're done. I wanted more. So you and Elliot, you would name the squirrels. Is this how Henry came about? Did you name one Henry?

[B]

No, no, no. He had. Sylvia had the squirrel.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

No, she had the squirrel first, Henry. And that's how they bonded.

[A]

Okay, but I just want to clear up. Did you or did you not name squirrels with Elliott Gould when you would walk around for fun?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

No, that was all I wanted to.

[A]

Know was some of the names.

[B]

Okay, I was.

[C]

This is a long time ago and remember, it was the 60s.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I was on LST.

[A]

Just a few. Well, then they must be great.

[C]

Yeah. My memory, Coco.

[B]

Great.

[C]

Shading.

[B]

Shading.

[C]

Lots of that.

[B]

What? Lots of. Lots of that.

[C]

Tails and more tails. Oh, that's funny, because it was T I L S. Of course. A link.

[A]

E as fun. Okay, good. Thank you. You don't have to do anymore.

[C]

Eisenhower.

[A]

Did he look like him? I bet on LSD you were thinking you really looked.

[C]

Bald man.

[B]

Squirrel.

[C]

Bald man, squirrel.

[A]

I love your accent, Sylvie. I just think it's the greatest.

[B]

Gorgeous.

[A]

And so then what made you live?

[C]

Lilting is what I've been heard. And why not?

[A]

And why not?

[C]

Why not?

[A]

Why not? So then, is that why you moved to Disney Falls? Why not? Or. Or what was the reason?

[C]

It was 1974.

[A]

Okay?

[C]

It was. Nixon was having some trouble.

[A]

Was that. Yeah, sure. That sounds about right.

[C]

Watergate. Alice doesn't live here anymore came out that year.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

And that movie influenced me.

[B]

Did it really?

[C]

It did, Alice.

[A]

Oh. Because you said, I don't want to live here anymore.

[C]

My name's not Alice. It's Sylvia. But I won't live here anymore.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

It's just getting too crazy.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

I was pregnant.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

And we're like. We just want to move to someplace small.

[B]

Can I ask. I hope this is not an indelicate question.

[C]

This is not a what?

[A]

Indelicate.

[C]

Honey. Why not?

[B]

Why not?

[A]

Why not?

[B]

In the spirit of why not?

[C]

Because we're all gonna die. So ask the question.

[B]

Okay. Okay.

[C]

Might as well face it.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Yeah, I know.

[C]

Cradle to tomb. Okay. Isn't too long to stay.

[A]

That voice you hear is my husband, Doug.

[B]

I felt like we had a tacit agreement to let that one go, but.

[A]

I knew he couldn't.

[B]

You decided it must be acknowledged.

[A]

He was holding his breath. He had to get it out. That's my husband, Doug. Sylvia. He's in another. He's outside doing some construction.

[D]

Not throwing my voice.

[C]

Well, I hope he's okay.

[A]

He's. Well, less debatable.

[B]

He's right. I think he's having second.

[D]

Fantastic.

[A]

So back to your indelicate question.

[B]

Yes. Is the baby Elliot Goulds?

[A]

Oh. Oh, wow.

[B]

Why not?

[C]

Really?

[A]

Okay. Why not? Why not?

[C]

Well, I've never told anyone before. And you. And why not do it on a podcast?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

The scoop.

[C]

It is. Elliot Ghoul.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

My child.

[A]

Lord.

[C]

His name is Linden, and he's Elliot Gould's child. I did not tell my husband. Benny.

[A]

Wait. Is this. Do you mean to say that the child wasn't Barbara's?

[C]

The child wasn't Barbara's?

[A]

Well, there was a. Elliot and Barbara have a child. Are you saying that that child's not Barbara's?

[C]

No. This is a different child. And it was in my stomach. Barbara had her own. Barbara had a child. Barbara. Do you know how children work? Why not?

[B]

Do you know this?

[C]

How would that. How would Barbara and Elliot's child be in my stomach? Do you think they put a. They. They shoved it in?

[B]

How would. How would Barbara's child not be hers?

[D]

Yes.

[C]

Yes. Jason Gould is who you're thinking about, and he's not my child.

[B]

No, he was Barbara's child.

[C]

He was in the Prince of Tides.

[B]

He was. He was a football player.

[A]

You know how every season I have a moment where my brain just stops? This was the moment.

[B]

The skylight, the car was.

[A]

Sylvia, you might know a little something about this. You've had a child. You have a certain age. I know, but I've decided to rebrand it as feminine overdrive.

[C]

90. I'm 90. Thank you. I turned 90 this year.

[A]

Why not?

[B]

Happy birthday.

[C]

Thank you. I made it. And why not?

[B]

Why not?

[C]

Why not?

[B]

But yes.

[A]

Joan is calling Perimenopause Feminine Overdrive. I'm taking it back because I want it to sound powerful, but in this case, the overdrive kicks in a little too hard and it breaks my brain.

[C]

I'm sorry. You're crying.

[A]

That's what just happened.

[C]

I'm so sor.

[A]

I'm really. I'm so emotional about it.

[C]

But I'm the one who just revealed the reveal.

[A]

It's true. And I don't have an emotion.

[B]

Well, imagine the reveal.

[A]

She thought she heard I undercut a child.

[C]

She thought I had Barbra Streisand's child.

[A]

Well, but I undercut an already.

[B]

She thought Barbra Streisand had your child.

[C]

Barbra Streisand. Oh, Barbra Streisand had my child. Is not what happened.

[A]

I'm very clear on that. And now I.

[C]

Sorry, I didn't. Shelby. Women having other women's children in this story in their own stomach.

[B]

Like the cuckoo bird.

[C]

Yeah. Monogamy.

[A]

I didn't mean to undercut.

[C]

Good edit.

[A]

I did.

[D]

Why not?

[A]

Why not? I did not mean to undercut your sharing of Elliot Gould tea.

[C]

No.

[A]

With my face. This has been a long time conspiracy.

[C]

I haven't talked to him in a long time.

[A]

So does he. Okay. Now, can I ask this now that I'm very much more clear. Is he aware that it is his child?

[C]

No. I said I have never told him.

[B]

Never told him. You never told Benny?

[C]

No, but I did tell him to take the pot and mash.

[B]

Oh, he was not going to take the pot.

[C]

I'm not taking.

[B]

Why was he not going to do it?

[A]

I know.

[C]

He just didn't like the writing. Isn't that weird?

[B]

Very successful book.

[A]

I feel like you're responsible for, you.

[C]

Know, half of his career's wife. She's really the one responsible for.

[A]

And you know what I'm going to say who? I don't know her. And you're exactly right. See, she doesn't get the. You're a font of information, Sylvia.

[C]

Well, I came from.

[B]

Because of Elliot.

[A]

I know.

[C]

I know the Night Hollywood Story.

[A]

So can you. So.

[B]

And what's your son's name again?

[C]

My son's name is Lyndon.

[A]

Lyndon. Lyndon, that's right. Named after.

[C]

No, not named after Lyndon Johnson.

[B]

Oh, that's a squirrel's name.

[A]

Okay. Henry is the squirrel's name.

[B]

Well, no, a squirrel's name.

[A]

Oh, a squirrel's name.

[C]

I assume Lyndon is my son. Not named after Lyndon Johnson.

[A]

Right.

[C]

Named after Lyndon. Blunder. Belinda.

[B]

Linda Belinda.

[C]

Remember Belinda Belinda.

[A]

Oh, yes, yes.

[C]

Famous chanteuse.

[A]

Oh, I love that word.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

So. And that's the. Is that the only child you have?

[C]

The only one.

[B]

Hey, I'm so sorry.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Who's Belinda? Belinda.

[C]

Linda. Belinda.

[B]

Linda Belinda Linden. Linden Belinda.

[C]

Yes. The famous chanteuse from the 1940s and 50s.

[B]

I'm not familiar.

[C]

She's saying. I'm not gonna do that anymore.

[B]

Oh, I'm not familiar.

[C]

Here comes the train, you better jump.

[B]

I don't know this one.

[C]

She said watch out. I'm telling you one more time. I'm not talking about that.

[A]

I'm not talking about obscure one. I don't know.

[C]

I'm telling you one more time.

[B]

I'm not.

[C]

I'm.

[B]

Do you know this one, Joe? Real upbeat obscure one.

[A]

And I. And I can see why it didn't really. It didn't hit the charts.

[B]

Is that where Psy got that for Gangnam Style? The.

[C]

Oh, no, it might be. It might be. Everybody's influenced by something.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

That's so true.

[A]

So when you say. Say we thought of moving, who is the we? It certainly wasn't you and Elliot.

[C]

Okay, I wanted to move, but you.

[A]

Were pregnant at the time.

[C]

I was pregnant with.

[A]

So maybe it was you two. It was you and Lyndon who were ready to move.

[C]

Lyndon was in my stomach.

[A]

I know, I know, but I always refer to when I was pregnant. I would always say we.

[B]

Jason Gould was in Streisand's stomach.

[A]

I understand that, and believe me, I want to cut all that out so that our listeners don't realize how badly in overdrive I was.

[C]

Do you know what they both have in common? Jason and Lyndon? They're both the homosexuals, really. There might be something in Elliot Gould's sperm. There might be something in his sperm. Why not? Why not?

[B]

Why not?

[C]

Something's cooking and it's delightful.

[B]

So now. So now I know we're getting so far away from yoga tubers. But. But did. Did. Okay, so there was some overlap in your relationships, it seems.

[C]

Yes, I was having an affair.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[C]

It was. It was an. What was the term? You. It's okay to have a.

[A]

Ethical non monogamy. It was non ethical.

[C]

I was younger and.

[A]

Sorry, have we talked about who you were cheating on? Have we talked about.

[B]

Right.

[A]

But we talked about him.

[C]

Benny. No.

[A]

Okay. What did Benny do for a living?

[C]

Benny?

[B]

Oh B. I thought you meant what did he do to deserve the cheating?

[A]

Well, both actually. Sure.

[C]

He. Benny was an ice cream truck driver.

[B]

Okay. Oh, noble work.

[C]

And yes, very, very sweet man. I'll say. Did nothing to deserve the cheating. It was my own way. I had always been told I could have any man I wanted. And you.

[A]

How are you going to turn out Elliot Gould? Elliot Gould was hot.

[B]

Hot.

[A]

Virile. At this time he was really.

[C]

I was the money.

[A]

Anyone he wanted. And he chose you. That's so flattering.

[C]

And I was the money maker in our relationship. Being my ventriloquist aspect, it was really.

[B]

You were making more money than the ice cream driver?

[C]

A lot more.

[B]

What?

[C]

I was a big attraction in the village.

[B]

Were you really?

[C]

Oh yeah.

[B]

Did you ever meet Lenny Bruce?

[C]

Yeah. Mort saw all of Bobby Dylan.

[A]

Did you meet Mrs. Ms. Maisel?

[B]

No.

[C]

Cause darling, she's not real. She's on a show.

[A]

Oh, I forgot. I forgot. I just wanted her to be real.

[B]

Because that show really brought that scene to life. It's hard to remember that it wasn't real.

[C]

So Benny and I.

[A]

So Benny and you. You added a. Okay, go on.

[C]

We saw Alice doesn't live here anymore.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And I said I don't live here anymore.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I want to do like Alice.

[A]

But at this point, were you already cheating with Elliot?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I was ready for that to die.

[A]

You were ready for that to end as well. So you just wanted to get out of Dodge? In this case, Brooklyn.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And what made you pick Dignity Falls?

[C]

Oh, we had a map. I closed my eyes, just pointed at it randomly.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Said Dignity Falls. And I'm like, well, that sounds like a lovely place, Dignity. So we just packed up, got into. We rented a station wagon. Golds and colored. And we did not wear seat belts. Cuz you didn't have to.

[A]

It was a different time.

[C]

Smoked cigarettes.

[A]

Yes, sure.

[C]

I was pregnant. Probably can.

[B]

Probably drank, of course.

[C]

Probably that's all you did. You didn't have a water bag.

[A]

You always wore water back then.

[C]

We didn't have water. We didn't have water.

[B]

You could only get water in someone's home.

[C]

That's right. The tap or the drinking fountain in the pot.

[D]

You always wore a suit to the car.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

On an airplane.

[C]

I wore a pill box hat.

[B]

Yeah, absolutely.

[C]

Yeah. Full address.

[B]

You just open up a map and. I mean, that's the definition of why not?

[A]

Sure. But Disney Falls is kind of known for it. The way that we are situated in the country is. So is such a specific latitude and longitude that if you close your eyes, a lot of people end up just hitting it right there. Bullseye.

[B]

Yes. Even if they're trying to hit somewhere else.

[A]

Yes. It's a bit like a Ouija board in that way.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

But we found it and it was not as populated back then.

[A]

Oh, no. We started out humble beginnings for sure. And then you've been here ever since.

[C]

Ever since.

[A]

And tell me about your boy. Tell me about your son.

[C]

Lyndon.

[A]

Yeah, he doesn't live here anymore. Lyndon doesn't live here anymore.

[C]

Doesn't live in dignity fold anymore.

[A]

What does he do?

[B]

And what does he do?

[C]

You know what? He's just dating and dating and dating.

[A]

Where?

[C]

Everywhere. He's traveling around. He's got a little bit of a travel. Yeah. What'd you say?

[A]

Traveling dater. I'm sure there's a. I'm sure there's not serial data. Oh, well, okay.

[C]

Ethereal data.

[B]

Is he a serial monogamous? Like he goes from one committed. Oh, okay.

[C]

No, he has a lot of boys, like, a lot of boys that get phone calls on my home phone, my landline, from these boys that Cole. They're so upset at Lyndon they can't find.

[A]

Lyndon's a little heartbreaker.

[C]

Yeah, he's a heartbreaker.

[B]

So he's traveling around, but he's still giving the old home number.

[A]

He gives.

[C]

It's strange that he gives his parents number.

[A]

He does it.

[B]

Why? Did you just make one up?

[C]

No. Cause you know what the thing is, I think that Lyndon, because he's a little like me, let's be honest. Because he's got a little bit of his mother in him. And why not? I had fun when I was young, and he's having fun right now. But I think what's happening is that, like me, he wants to be with somebody, but it gets a little scary.

[A]

Right? But he doesn't want to lose them completely, so he keeps them tethered to him. By giving your number away.

[C]

He just likes the dick.

[B]

Oh, can we get into the doorbell?

[A]

Why not?

[C]

Can we get into the doorbell? Yeah, let's get into the doorbell.

[A]

What is it about the doorbell?

[B]

It says the dogs go nuts.

[C]

First of all, the doorbell is a jarring sound. Can we all be talking?

[A]

Could you let us know what can.

[B]

We all be talking about?

[A]

Movies. Can we all be talking? Can you let us know what the sound is? Could you tell us?

[C]

Well, you know the new doorbells we have, the ring doorbells.

[A]

Those are really sweet.

[B]

Bling blong blong.

[C]

There's like bling bling bling. They're like nice little church.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Oz is from the seventies. It's like this.

[B]

Yeah, I remember those.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, the seventies.

[B]

Yeah. This is before the hardwired ones.

[C]

Mid seventies.

[B]

Before disco.

[C]

Disco.

[A]

Before it got refined. Yeah, more like it sounds like a crow trying to do disco.

[C]

Very much so.

[A]

Discrow.

[C]

Discrow.

[B]

Joanie, Duck.

[C]

Anyway, so duck. So the doorbell goes off. Jarring sound.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Usually Benny and I try to. To watch something.

[B]

Oh, Benny's still with us. I want to. I want to.

[C]

He's retired. He's nice.

[A]

So you stuck it out. You're still married?

[C]

Oh, yes. We're doing great.

[A]

Oh, good.

[C]

He's retired. I volunteer.

[A]

And where do you volunteer?

[C]

I volunteer at the community center pool. I sign people in. I check if they call. Have you seen me there?

[B]

I have seen you there.

[C]

I make sure people take a shower before they get in the store.

[A]

Well, we just had a recent guest on who was one who does an man, a senior who. Who was. They had all decided to start being nude for their classes. So I think that's why the pool shut down for a little bit.

[B]

They call themselves the Water Robots.

[A]

They called themselves the Water Robots. We think it was a typo because it said it's a bunch of singers. Old singers. I think it was seniors. But he said they were singers as well.

[B]

He said they sang and that they moved robotically and that they were in the news.

[C]

A lot of old people sing now.

[B]

Do you?

[C]

Young.

[B]

What do you do?

[A]

What do you do to keep yourself looking so good? Sylvia, what's your.

[C]

Thank you for saying you're welcome.

[B]

I'd say you were 18, 80 years old.

[C]

I.

[A]

Absolutely not A day over.

[C]

That was sweet, but not true. And why not? What do I do? I. You know what? I walk around a lot. I go shopping. I try to have lunch with my friends who aren't in the great.

[B]

Sylvia, Sylvia. Drop the skincare routine, queen.

[C]

Oh, yeah. You know what it is?

[B]

People are gonna want to know.

[C]

You know what it is?

[B]

What?

[C]

I wash my face. Don't I don't care if you tell people I wash my face in Mountain Dew.

[A]

Kidding.

[C]

I wash my face, drink it.

[B]

Actually, if it gets in my mouth.

[C]

I spit it out so fast. Because who? No, none's within it.

[A]

I don't like the taste of it. Does it burn your skin?

[C]

It absolutely burns. It absolutely burns. Why not? And why not?

[A]

Why not?

[C]

But when the burning stops, my face is glowing.

[A]

When the burning stops. When the burning stops, the beauty starts, is what I would say. Get Ready with me. I would watch that in a heartbeat.

[B]

You should do a moral.

[A]

Oh, that's what the kids call it for short.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Get Ready with Me.

[C]

Six, seven. I know that one.

[A]

Oh, good one. Good one. Everyone's that is 12. That looks.

[C]

How can that be cool for them anymore when we all know what it is?

[A]

It's probably. It's on its way out. It's probably on its way out.

[C]

I hope so.

[A]

Not for six year olds, though.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

So now can I ask how you discovered this? Was this an accidental discovery about.

[C]

Oh, yeah, it was. Oh, no. Can I tell you how I discovered it?

[B]

Why not?

[C]

It was an accident.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I was trying, you know, that was.

[A]

What I wanted to know.

[C]

I used to drink Mountain dew in the 1980s. All of us did. Remember when we were drinking, when we.

[A]

Thought it was fine? Yeah.

[C]

Crystal Light.

[D]

The surgeon general recommended it.

[C]

The surgeon general didn't care.

[A]

He didn't really care. He smoked. He did.

[C]

He said, do it. In the 80s, the Surgeon General said, do what you want.

[B]

I remember when he got on tv, recommended Mountain Dew. He's blowing smoke rings. Yeah.

[C]

As he said it.

[B]

And coughing. Coughing like he was coughing out smoke cream.

[C]

His eyes were so red and, like, red inside and all around.

[A]

And he was hooked up to an iv, Right.

[C]

His ears were. Some very pale ears. He had no blood in it. Yeah.

[A]

Such failures.

[B]

They looked fake.

[C]

And he had a mustache that would be falling off parts of it.

[A]

His eyes were yellow.

[C]

I took his word part.

[A]

I tried to. And so you. You drank the mandu.

[C]

Yeah, I drank it and it tasted weird. But, you know, Linden was having a birthday party.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah. And so I thought, well, I'm just gonna, like, get out a big bowl, take it. Just put like, Mountain Dew.

[A]

Oh. Like, it's the punch. Okay.

[C]

But with Mountain Dew, it has a lovely fluorescent color, like.

[A]

Sure does.

[B]

Otherworld.

[A]

Definitely. Unnatural.

[B]

Beautiful color.

[A]

Gorgeous color.

[C]

Something created by aliens.

[A]

I decorated the boys nursery in that color. Oh, you did.

[C]

Mountain Dew color.

[A]

Lovely.

[C]

The Mountain Dew ones.

[A]

I have twin boys. Yes. Twin Boys that are named Matt and.

[B]

The bones of Zone.

[C]

Matt and the Bone Zone.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

That's a lovely. The bone zone. That's a linden. Lyndon has, like, the bone zone.

[A]

Oh, I bet. Anyway, so you got the punch bowl.

[C]

I said, hey, kids, time for punch. And wouldn't you know it? My. I was wearing. It was the 80s, but I was wearing platform shoes.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

It takes me a while to catch up. Why not?

[B]

Spent money on.

[C]

On those shoes.

[B]

You just throw them out. Because they're not.

[C]

Exactly. And you know what?

[A]

They come back around. They came back around soon after.

[B]

You're wearing them now.

[C]

I am. Thank you for noticing. My ankles are much more fragile. Yes, but the heels. I don't know.

[B]

That explains the t. Why not?

[A]

My ankles look like wrists. They are just so.

[C]

So Constant breaking, darling.

[B]

I love that you've taped them up like a boxer.

[C]

I have to. They break, like, almost every other time. I think it's easier to put tape on it.

[B]

Oh, that's terrible.

[C]

I can't go to the hospital.

[B]

Bother.

[C]

Why bother? Who cares? What are they gonna tell me? Yeah, seriously, what are they gonna say?

[A]

So how did your face end up in the punch?

[C]

I tripped on the shag rug. Right as they said, hey, kids, here comes the punch. And my face fell in the punch.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Kids were laughing, of course. As they do. Why not? I laughed as a child, too. And then my face was burning. Yeah, Burning like horrible. I'm like, ah. I feel like mouth St. Helens. Because that was what was happening, I think.

[A]

Right, right, right.

[C]

And then when it stopped burning, I put my face up. The kids collectively gasped. Gasped.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Said, you look beautiful.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[C]

Mrs. Vigils. Which is, by the way, my last name.

[B]

Oh, we didn't know. Sylvia Vigils.

[A]

Sylvia Vigils.

[B]

It's a great. You know, kids don't. It must have been remarkable, because kids don't usually mention recognize good skin.

[A]

No, they don't. Or even just comment on ad appearances, unless to maybe be cruel or crass.

[C]

It looks good, though, that you had to say something. Wow.

[A]

Well, in the end, you had the last laugh because you ended up discovering a fountain of youth in that punch bowl.

[C]

And I. You know what? I did laugh.

[B]

Oh, did you? Why not?

[C]

Good for you. Why not? You know why not? Life's the Cabarel.

[A]

I laughed as a kid, too. Who didn't? What'd you say?

[C]

I said, life's the Cabarel job.

[A]

Oh, I love that show.

[C]

Sure, sure.

[A]

So let. So the doorbell, we covered.

[B]

Okay. Well, yeah. The dogs how many dogs do you have?

[C]

I have eight dogs. They're all eight. I have. They're all Yorkie.

[B]

That's all Yorkies. How can you tell them apart?

[A]

Probably their names.

[C]

They all look alike. I did respond to their names. What was that, darling?

[B]

And what are their names?

[A]

Want to know their names?

[C]

Oh, sure. Look at this.

[B]

Look at this.

[C]

I'm coming.

[B]

I'm coming. That seems confusing.

[A]

It seems very confused.

[C]

Look at this.

[B]

Look at this.

[C]

You know what's funny? Look at this. This is the difference. Look at this. Walk straight towards you. And for some reason. I'm coming. Walks backwards.

[A]

You're kidding.

[C]

That's what happens.

[A]

Is that why you named him that way? Because it was just so silly to do as a puppy?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, that's three.

[C]

Something's wrong neurologically.

[D]

Apple.

[A]

Apple.

[C]

Apple.

[B]

Apple.

[A]

Look at this. I'm coming.

[C]

Lisa.

[B]

Lisa. Nice name for a Yorkie.

[C]

I'm not Elliot Gould.

[B]

I'm not Elliot Gould.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Why did you need to. What was the confusion there? Why did you need to name the.

[C]

I had a little bit of the devil in me. I didn't want to talk about Elliot. Elliott Gould because it wasn't out to everybody.

[A]

Does the dog resemble Elliot in any way?

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

A Yorkie that resembles Elliot Gould.

[A]

I will say Elliot Gould had sort of puppy dog eyes.

[B]

Very canine.

[C]

I'm not Elliot Gould. Puppy dog eyes. He has got curly hair, hang dog expression, wears a tracksuit, and he's got a Star of David like mole on him.

[A]

Oh, does he?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Not a knole babe. Not a null.

[C]

Yeah. So anyway. Oh, how many have I named?

[B]

You've named five.

[A]

Yeah, five.

[C]

Watchos.

[A]

Watches.

[B]

Watchos.

[C]

Watch. Watchos. Watchos.

[A]

Like nachos, but wachos.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Treetop.

[B]

Treetop.

[A]

That's a fun one.

[C]

And Bouncer.

[B]

Bouncer. Oh, I like. That's a cute name for a dog.

[C]

Did I name them all?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I don't think so unless we had other pets.

[C]

Bounce is adorable. He's exactly why he bounces.

[A]

I figured why not?

[C]

And he box when he bounces. They all have a voice that is piercing. I'll say. They all have that in common. So when that doorbell comes.

[B]

Okay, so let's could if you could, using your sort of abilities as a venturist.

[A]

Oh, good.

[B]

We hear the doorbell and then the dog's response.

[C]

Okay. Okay. And I have to throw my voice just.

[B]

I imagine you have. You have talents to make your voice sound like something if the doorbell.

[C]

I might get off a little.

[A]

That's okay. No no worries.

[B]

That.

[C]

That goes on for, I mean, 20 minutes.

[B]

That's a long time.

[A]

Everybody listening? Just please don't ring her doorbell because. Did you just hear that? That is absolutely. You are correct. Correct. That is too much to handle.

[B]

How are they with knocking? How are they with knocking?

[C]

Thank you. Better signs that say, how about try knocking?

[A]

And they don't mind the knock.

[C]

Now they ring the doorbell.

[A]

No, but I'm saying the door. The dogs.

[C]

Nobody reads anymore, I bet the dogs. Not the people, the dogs.

[B]

How do the dogs.

[A]

I said, do the dogs react okay to the knocking? Because you said knocking's okay. It doesn't bother them?

[C]

No, they barely hear it.

[A]

You're kidding.

[C]

They're fine with the knocking.

[B]

It doesn't mean.

[C]

Makes sense.

[A]

That's great. It doesn't make sense.

[B]

The doorbell. The doorbell doesn't make sense.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And Benny and I are usually watching some Shelly Long movie that we love.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Oh, what's your favorite? Like, which one would you just say, if I turn on the TV and that's on, I'm sitting down and watching it to the end.

[C]

You again.

[A]

Who. Who was in?

[D]

You.

[B]

Hello again.

[C]

I'm sorry? It's called hello again.

[B]

You again. You again. It's a great name for a movie.

[C]

It's called hello again.

[A]

Who's in hello again. Again. With her.

[C]

Judith Ivy.

[A]

Oh, I love him. Corbin Burson. I love him. Is that how you said his name?

[C]

Burson?

[A]

I think it was just Burnson.

[C]

Yeah. She's dead in it. And she's like one of those movies. She comes back and he's like, remarried, and she's like, how did this happen? I'm alive.

[B]

They haven't done one of those movies in a long time.

[A]

I do miss those ones.

[C]

Yeah, for a while they done the. The Body Switch movies.

[A]

Yeah. Such a good one. A little bit racist with the guy sitting back in bowl.

[C]

But which was he? You know what he should have put back in the bowl? Some Mountain Dew. And maybe he would have looked younger.

[A]

No kidding. Now we've talked, we've covered the doorbell, We've covered the dogs. Do. Are. Do you answer yourself a green thumb. Are these tubers? Are these the only.

[B]

Let's get into these yucca tubes.

[A]

Now, I've only heard tubers as referring to potatoes. But I do know that other things can be called tubers. Like anything that's going underground.

[C]

The big head tuber, Pistachi.

[B]

Doug doing a little. Doug doing a little Kindergarten Cop. It's not a tuber.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Really tickled him, too. Welcome.

[A]

My favorite is when Doug makes himself laugh.

[B]

Really caught himself by surprise with that one.

[A]

It came quick and fast. He had a little fun with Kindergarten Cop.

[D]

Just a little bit.

[B]

Just a little bit. Why not?

[A]

Why not?

[C]

Why not? So what was the question?

[A]

Okay. The question was, are you a green thumb? Do you have other things to offer? Is it just these tubers you're trying to get off of this yard?

[C]

We've lived here for. So this yard has been the bait of my existence.

[A]

Oh, has it?

[C]

It's just nothing grows there that it should.

[A]

Is this. Then this is all you can grow? Or do you even grow? Do you even mean to grow? Doesn't almost seem like she has just too many. She. Like she doesn't even want them.

[B]

I mean, it sounds like you're overrun with these tubers.

[A]

Can I ask, are the tubers an accident? Much like the Mountain Dew. Thank you.

[C]

But not a happy accident.

[A]

Not a happy. So can you tell us what happened?

[C]

Oh, just. You know how people get weeds?

[A]

Sure.

[C]

I don't. I get.

[A]

I always call them volunteers.

[C]

Weeds?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because they're like, I volunteer, I'll give it a try. To sprout up through the cracks.

[D]

She always says that. She always talks like the weeds.

[C]

That's sweet.

[D]

She has a voice for each one.

[A]

I'll grow where no one else will.

[B]

It's a very sweet spin on weeds.

[C]

What do they sound like when they get yanked out, though?

[B]

Oh, your dogs will be going nuts.

[C]

Oh, God. Going nuts, As you tell me. They can't speak English.

[B]

No, that's true.

[C]

It might be a happy accident. No, you know what? That's not true. Some dogs do. Say hello when you say say hello.

[A]

I guess there's a couple videos like that.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Is that your Santa?

[C]

Maybe.

[B]

No. Come on, Joan.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Do you know I'm famous for doing Santa Claus at the holidays because it terrifies the children. It does not terrify it. The kids are just. They're very. These kids very well behaved, and they. They realize they have enough, but. So the kids will come up and I'll say, you know, they'll come up to visit me, take a picture, and I'll greet them with this watch a lot.

[A]

That was really off.

[C]

You want to change it up?

[A]

No, it's terrible. It's terrible.

[C]

Oh, Jesus.

[A]

That is a witch voice.

[C]

It's a witch voice.

[A]

Sylvia hears it. Even she thinks it's a witch voice. Do you want to die now, Santa? Never. I can go now. I.

[B]

Do you want a doll?

[C]

I heard.

[A]

Do you want a doll?

[B]

Never say, do you want to die?

[A]

Well, the. The accent is so thick, it is unintelligible. I'll just let you know that.

[C]

Also, speaking of die, I know we.

[B]

Were doing notes today.

[C]

My.

[A]

The.

[C]

I just realized. I just realized something. My dogs might be saying die. Because when Benny and I would fight, sometimes it would end with us screaming die at each other.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

It would every die.

[B]

That's terrible.

[A]

And then how do you de escalate from that? Now that's how the fight ends.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

With crescendo into die. You die. Die.

[A]

Okay, Die.

[B]

I mean, I guess there's nothing to say after that.

[A]

Right?

[C]

But then you walk away until you cool down.

[B]

I've gotten to this point.

[C]

And then you come back and go, I look, I didn't mean that.

[A]

Oh, good.

[C]

Or you say, I didn't mean die.

[D]

Or you say, hey, I didn't die. You walk. You walk away.

[C]

Shows on you 90 and 92. We're still here.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Like Elaine Stretch.

[A]

Like Elaine Stretch. I mean, who's not here? Which is so sad. But she's saying, I'm still here. That's right. That's right.

[C]

The garden.

[A]

Did you have a period where you wore a long white man's shirt and just told a dragged a stool around the house in tights and high heels?

[C]

Yes, that was a style. Yeah, that was a style for a while. It was called the Elaine.

[B]

I remember the Elaine.

[A]

I look forward to my mom's chapter. I really do look forward to my Elaine.

[C]

Seventies, honey.

[A]

Oh, I can't wait. Oh, it's coming.

[C]

Don't give a about anything.

[A]

I'm here for it.

[C]

Oh, you're gonna love it now, Joan.

[A]

I know it can't come soon enough.

[B]

I remember watching you watch yourself on video. Video of your performance at the Community Falls Playhouse and just yelling.

[A]

When I watch myself, I. I insult myself out loud to the screen as Elaine Stritch.

[C]

I understand. I used to do that when I watch myself with the squirrel.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, you took video of your ventriloquism.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

But it was Super 8 cameras back then.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Oh, sure.

[A]

Can I ask you, did you ever do your act here in D Dignity Falls? Because you were a young lady when you arrived. You had the baby then. What?

[C]

No.

[A]

I mean, we had to do something for work.

[B]

Did the baby end your ventriloquism career?

[C]

No. My bad. I was like, I can't do this. I gotta keep this.

[A]

She's like, instead of holding a dummy, I have to hold a baby.

[C]

And there wasn't a demand in this for a ventriloquist.

[A]

There was a band for a while. People thought it was rich witchcraft.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[C]

I remember that.

[A]

They would lash a bunch of dummies together and assault their graves.

[C]

Yeah. And why not?

[A]

They did bury all the dummies. There's a dummy graveyard.

[C]

It's the. Yeah, it's the. It's the dummy cemetery. Oh.

[B]

We used to dare each other when we were kids to walk past it.

[D]

The grass is sour. Yeah, the dummy cemetery.

[A]

Are you doing a little more pet cemetery?

[B]

Little Fred Gwyn.

[C]

Fred Gwyn. Oh, yeah. Monsters.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Oh yeah. Monsters.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Monsters.

[C]

Oh, yeah. Monsters.

[A]

So did you. What? Did you had to do something for a living or. What did Benny do? Did he support you?

[C]

No, he still did his ice cream truck.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

You know, you could get anywhere.

[A]

And did you have to work?

[C]

Yes, I did.

[A]

What did you do?

[C]

I was a paras. Parapsychologist.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

I was a parapsych. Psychologist. I didn't realize I had the talent until I moved Digit evolved. I know it sounds funny, but it's true. I helped a lot of people.

[A]

Now help me understand. There's mediums and there's. There's other different kinds of people who deal with paranormal. But this is someone like you're dealing with. You deal only with children. I know some people only deal with children. Would you have tell me about your clients. Tell me about one of your cases.

[C]

I deal specifically with ghosts and I. I analyze what their mental issues are. I'm a parapsychologist. I channel. I channel ghosts.

[A]

You're a psychologist to spirits?

[C]

Yes. That's what it means to me.

[A]

That's what it means to you?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Is that what it was?

[D]

Yes. What it was.

[B]

Okay, Sylvia, I have.

[A]

Can you give me. Okay. Bird's still recovering.

[B]

I have to ask Sylvia.

[C]

Yes. What's that?

[B]

You as a mother of a newborn.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

You couldn't be a ventriloquist.

[C]

No. Because people will hang us.

[B]

But you still needed money.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

So he went into parasite.

[A]

And that was socially acceptable at the time.

[C]

That was very.

[B]

And just as lucrative, if not more so than ventriloquism.

[C]

Absolutely. Everybody's got ghosts around. Everybody's got ghosts in their house that they want. That the ghosts have problems.

[B]

Yeah, the ghost have problems.

[A]

Can you give me an example of a client and what your therapy looks like?

[C]

Okay. Do you know Barbara Kunst?

[B]

Oh, I do know Papa Kunst. I was thinking she is the unhappiest woman in it down.

[A]

She and the unhappiest children.

[B]

She is a real sour puss, that whole family.

[C]

Well, there's a reason for it and it's not cuz of her name.

[A]

They tried to rebrand. They did a whole.

[C]

No, no, no.

[B]

They put an apostrophe in there. Yeah.

[A]

And they. And they did a. They did. They did a big train set at Christmas time. And they're like, it's Christmas with the cunts.

[C]

You know.

[B]

All aboard C.

[C]

Remember she had a cookbook, Cooking with cunts. It did not sell.

[B]

You know who worked at the cunt train?

[A]

They also tried one of those dump cookbooks. It was Cunt dumps.

[B]

Cunt dumps.

[C]

Oh, that's right. No one wanted to buy it though.

[B]

Didn't do that. Not appealing that book, actually. Well, they owed money on the book.

[C]

Oh, no, Tara. Well, this is. This ties into. This ties into what I did for them.

[A]

Okay, what did you.

[C]

Okay, so the C were kind of. They were haunted and they had their.

[A]

Haunted. Their home was haunted.

[C]

Well, they had no success. And also they had a ghost in their house that would honestly mock them.

[A]

No, they could hear it. It spoke to them.

[B]

Oh, that's terrible.

[C]

Wake them up and say, you're not good enough.

[B]

Oh, no, you're not good enough.

[A]

She wasn't someone's mother in law.

[D]

Boo.

[B]

Not in the ghost way.

[C]

Down. Like, not a lot of a voice to it. It's just like. Boo.

[D]

Were the ghosts the old cunts?

[A]

Oh, like ones who had died there. Family members?

[C]

It was a family. It was the. It was the cunt's relatives. It was his relatives. Didn't like her. Right. So I had to figure out what. What was eaten. Yeah, that was what was eating their.

[B]

Gilbert, Terry, Larry.

[C]

C. Jerry. Cunts.

[A]

But of course, remember there were also. They had servants back then and they wrote a book about it.

[B]

Serving C. Yeah, Serving cunstairs downstairs.

[C]

And. Oh, there was a third one too.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Oh, what was that?

[B]

Remains of the C. Oh, yes, that's familiar to me now. Yes.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Yes, that one. Yeah, that was more niche.

[A]

And now I can see that. Now I can see it. I can see the COVID Beautiful. Okay, so then what happened? You go in.

[B]

Did you have one of them. Did you know one of them went into the priesthood?

[C]

Oh, they did.

[B]

And became a cardinal in Rome.

[C]

Oh, and he wrote.

[B]

He wrote a book called Conclave.

[C]

Oh. By Cardinal Kant. Conclave by cardinal. Oh, good for them. You know, everyone's good for them. Why not? Why not, why not?

[B]

Why not?

[C]

You know what you got to do what you got to do. They did it. Anyway, so. So I went into the house.

[A]

So how do you do.

[C]

Which, by the way, always needs a bit of cleaning. They're messy. Anyways. Hey, I talked.

[B]

That's why if you have, like, if you're wearing an outfit, you know, and maybe you spilled something on it, people say, oh, look at that. Cunty little skirt.

[C]

Yeah, that's exactly where it came from.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah, that's exactly where the term came from. Cunty little skirt.

[A]

Oh, babe, do you have.

[B]

Your hair's in a cunty little bob that means, like, you have a leaf in your hair.

[A]

What do you think of all that? This discourse?

[D]

Well, why would I have any problem with it? Talk about the cons.

[C]

We all know.

[B]

Talking about the cons.

[A]

I know. Yeah, I know this would have met. I just didn't know if you had anything to say about it.

[C]

I went into the house.

[D]

I mean, I can't believe it's not butter, but.

[A]

There it is.

[D]

I come to believe it's not butler. Sorry. That was the fourth book.

[B]

That was the fourth. The fourth book in the domestic servitude. Quadri. Quadrille.

[C]

They also. For a while, they made hunts.

[B]

Believe it's not butler.

[C]

They also.

[B]

They.

[C]

They also made a movie once.

[B]

Did they really?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Can stop the music. They got in trouble for that one.

[A]

So. Wait, just that one?

[C]

Just that one.

[A]

So I really want to hear what it is you did to help this ghost.

[C]

You say it was a family of ghosts, a bunch of ghosts that found the real. And they would all take turns mocking.

[A]

How do you. How do you. So where do you start? What did you do? You. You.

[C]

I went into the living room. Got the. The living c. Yes.

[A]

Great. Great.

[C]

I lit a candle.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

You have to light a candle.

[A]

You always have to light a candle.

[C]

See the light?

[A]

Absolutely.

[C]

I had a clean. A clear glass of water.

[A]

Okay. Clear glass of water. You cannot.

[C]

No, I closed my eyes.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

I saw them. They all came to me because I didn't know I. I had this cup.

[A]

Could you see them? Were they visible to you before you closed your eyes or.

[C]

No, I have to close my eyes.

[A]

You have to close your eyes and then you can see a ghost.

[C]

I can smell them.

[A]

You can smell the ghost?

[B]

Smell the ghost.

[A]

Just these ghosts or. Every ghost you can smell.

[C]

Every ghost has a smell.

[A]

Okay, got it.

[C]

I didn't like that.

[A]

That's interesting. Oh, okay.

[C]

Every dog has a smell.

[B]

It's so true.

[C]

Dogs smell.

[A]

Yeah, they sure do. So then you close your eyes. You see?

[C]

I close my eyes, I see all of them. All of them?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I said, what's wrong with you? What do you. What's wrong with you?

[A]

What's wrong with you?

[C]

What's going on in your brain?

[A]

Okay.

[C]

And one by one, they opened up to me. They started telling me what was bothering them in their life.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

I let them tell me, and they became lida.

[B]

So this was like their unfinished business. And they were unfinished business. Wow.

[C]

They found out. You know what? We're not mad at her at all. Barbara Kunst. Not mad at her.

[A]

Not mad at her. Mad at something. Mad at something. They didn't.

[C]

Whatever happened in their life, they all became brighter, lighter, and they floated away.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

Floated away.

[B]

That's beautiful.

[A]

It is so beautiful. And is that generally how it happens, or did you ever have a really tricky case?

[C]

Oh, it usually happens like that.

[A]

Okay, good.

[C]

One time, I had a real asshole.

[A]

Oh, you did?

[C]

Yeah. Real asshole. Yeah. His name was Devin.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

He was dead.

[A]

Okay. Sure.

[C]

And he would not leave. He would tell me shit. I kept saying, what's your problem, Devin? He's like, I'm not telling you. He's like, you're good. I was like, you're gonna tell me? This is all with my eyes closed.

[A]

Oh, wow. They're talking out loud. You can hear them talking?

[C]

Yeah, I can hear them talking.

[A]

Like, do they sound. What I mean by that is, can you hear them in your head, or do they sound like they're a corporal being?

[C]

I can hear them in my head, but I'm speaking out.

[A]

I understand. No one else can hear.

[C]

Hear it.

[A]

Got it.

[C]

I tell them later.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

So Devon was.

[B]

So it's really just your word that this happened?

[A]

Exactly.

[C]

That's a good one.

[A]

How much do you charge? How much do you charge an hour?

[C]

$3,000 an hour. And this was the 70s, right? So that's like $8 million. You know we bought our house for 15 cents.

[A]

Yes, absolutely. Sure were the days.

[C]

It's four bedrooms, and we don't need them all. Of course you don't, because it's just me, Benny, and. And. And Lyndon and the dogs.

[A]

Well, Linden isn't even there that much.

[B]

All the dogs sleep in the same bedroom.

[C]

There's a. Yes, they are.

[A]

That seems unnecessary. There's so much room.

[C]

Well, they sleep in one bed. Well, there's a bunch of little bunk beds.

[A]

Oh, that's cute. Cute.

[C]

Just don't ring the goddamn doorbell. Everybody.

[A]

Don't ring the doorbell. Did we get to how you accidentally planted tubers in your Yard.

[C]

I didn't accidentally plant them. They just grew.

[A]

That's right. They did.

[C]

You're saying it's like my yacht is haunted?

[A]

Oh, do you think that's possible? Have you ever seen try to figure out if your house is haunted?

[C]

I. I have not. But this is very helpful because this yard just starts growing things that I've never planted.

[A]

Like what else?

[C]

Oh, oak trees.

[B]

Multiple oak trees.

[C]

Multiple oak trees. Garden gnomes that I did not put in.

[B]

They come on from out of the ground.

[C]

I'm not. Yes, I'm gonna. Come on. Do you think I'm gonna lie? These things grow out.

[A]

Okay. And you think it might be a ghost doing this?

[C]

I just.

[A]

It does seem like paranormal activity.

[C]

Something like it.

[A]

And has anything happened in the house, or is it just the yard where.

[C]

You get the goddamn yard?

[A]

Have you ever dealt with a haunted yard?

[C]

No, but I think I'm gonna start doing it in my 90s. I'm gonna.

[A]

Maybe it's one less job you have to do. Is. Is this. Is this job?

[C]

Oh, you think it's gonna kill me?

[A]

No, I don't want to. I just mean.

[B]

Then you can retire.

[C]

Did my husband's. Oh, then I could retire.

[A]

Well, you said your husband was retired, and I wasn't sure what he did. You volunteered.

[C]

I volunteer at the pool.

[B]

But this would be like one last score. You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah. Do you ever see it that way?

[C]

No, but I do now.

[A]

Good.

[C]

I didn't think I had to prove myself, but maybe I do.

[A]

I don't know. I mean, I think. I think if anything. I think if anything, I'd really like for.

[B]

I like doing that noise. That felt good sound.

[C]

That's what I do when I.

[A]

In your 90s, you know, when you can't.

[C]

When you can't sleep at night. You have some insomnia. Yeah. Let that sound out. Your whole body relaxes. Very jarring to your partner, I'll tell you.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

Because you just hear the partner's sleeping, and then they hear. Yes, but your body kind of relaxes.

[B]

It is. It did make me more relaxed, I have to say.

[D]

Thank you.

[A]

So I guess. I guess besides the maybe possibly haunted backyard of these tubers, the other thing I'm really hearing is I just. Did we asked this yet? Does Linden know who his real father is?

[C]

No. This is the first time I've ever told anyone.

[A]

Well, can I just sort of go. Go ahead.

[B]

Well, just. I mean, are you worried about them hearing this, or do you feel like this is finally your way of Getting this out in the open.

[C]

This has been on my chest for a long time. Sure, sure. And this is my own personal haunting.

[B]

Oh, no, not the yard. But this.

[C]

Maybe it's connected to the yard.

[B]

Maybe it is connected to the yard.

[C]

Do you know what? I just remember what Elliot Gould's favorite food was. The yucca tubers.

[A]

No way.

[C]

That was. And you, he just like you had, you have to.

[A]

It was the seventies.

[C]

That was everything. Yes. People went to granola.

[A]

Natural smoking.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. You got to be careful. You got to cook that because Tubers.

[D]

Toxic tubers and jello.

[B]

Tubers and jello, yes.

[A]

Oh, some cyanide.

[C]

Look it up. The Y. It's got some cyanide.

[B]

You got to cook it. I remember that from a Poirot I read once. Oh, really, love? He said, ah, if you see there's a bit of tuber in the corner of his mouth. He's been poisoned.

[C]

Oh, that's a great Pierrot.

[B]

It was a great Pierrot. Great.

[C]

He's Belgian.

[B]

Yes. Not French. No.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

So, so here's my theory. I, I, I think that a lot of times a child can't name it, but can sense that there is a secret in a household. Right. And they also can sense that something's up with their identity. They don't understand they're searching for something. Do you think that maybe Lyndon is just on this quest and he can't really commit to any, any one person cause he's trying to still figure out what one last puzzle piece of his identity is. And I think setting him free might.

[C]

Set you free and maybe it'll help him settle down.

[A]

Exactly. That's what I'm saying.

[C]

Searching for dick all.

[A]

No, we might still do that. But I think why not? You know what? Why not?

[C]

Consensual. What was the term?

[B]

It was an ethical non Monogamy.

[A]

Yes, yes.

[C]

That's basically, that's a fancy way of just saying it's agreed upon. Consensual.

[A]

Exactly. Basically, yes. And you know, and whatever he wants to do is fine. It's just that it seems, I'm a little concerned that he just seems to not ever be here, not ever come home, leaving the phone number, your phone number. I think he wants to stay tethered to home, but I think it's a rolling stone. Yeah, right. Because I think he's just missing that piece of information.

[B]

Can I ask, does he, who does he resemble more?

[A]

Ooh, that's a good question.

[B]

Benny or Elliott Gould?

[A]

Yeah. Has that ever come up?

[C]

Oh, or you. How about he takes after me, Benny or Gould. I mean, he kind of does look like Elliott Gould. Not now, though. Not by any.

[A]

Benny never said anything.

[C]

Young Elliott Gould. I just had to clarify. Not what Elliott Gould looks like now.

[B]

That would be astonishing considering the. The time, the timing. Yes, if he looked exactly too young.

[C]

To look like Elliot Gold. Now.

[A]

Sure. Has, has, has. Has Benny ever sort of made any kind of mention, like sometimes people, people, people, you'll see, they'll say, oh, they look just like you. But did no one ever say that to Benny?

[C]

You know, it's funny. Every once in a while, Benny will try to say the word gold and it comes out Gould.

[A]

Benny does?

[C]

Yeah. And I feel like he knows something and he doesn't want to say it. And I'm like, the words gold, gold, Benny. And he's like, I know, I just slipped up. Can I make a mistake every once in a while? And I said, why are you fighting me?

[A]

And then that's when you scream to each other, I wish.

[C]

Tell each other to die pretty soon.

[B]

Right after that, what I think is going on, what he's saying, Gold, so you will notice it. You'll say the words gold. He says, can I make a mistake every once in a while. He's telling. He's forgiving you. He knows what is. Is happening. He knows about this. And he's saying. He's saying, let's let it go. You don't have to be haunted by this anymore.

[C]

That's beautiful.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

What's gonna happen? I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna disinfect my yard.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

With the ghosts.

[A]

Sounds good.

[C]

I'm gonna have a seance. Get rid of them.

[B]

Great, great.

[C]

I'm gonna pop in a VHS of Troop Beverly Hills.

[A]

Oh, wonderful.

[C]

Sit down. Jenny, strip his clothes off.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Get on top of him.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[C]

And just go to town.

[B]

This is beautiful. What a beautiful image. And the rest of that Beverly hills playing on VHS as you straddle your seated husband.

[C]

92 and 92. He deserves it.

[D]

Can I ask.

[C]

He's as good as Gould.

[A]

Oh, that's lovely.

[C]

He's better than Gould.

[A]

Maybe you had a question before we let our guest go.

[C]

Good as Gould.

[D]

Yeah. I would just love a voice throwing demonstration. And also, do you throw what? You throw your voice?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

What does he want me to do?

[C]

What?

[D]

The demonstration meaning?

[B]

And then you said, and also.

[C]

Yeah, this is a couple of requests.

[A]

Was that it?

[D]

And also, I would like that.

[C]

Do you want me to throw my voice?

[B]

Yes.

[D]

And also I'd like that.

[C]

Okay. Okay. You're outside though, right?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Okay, I'm inside, but outside. In the middle.

[C]

Your voice is inside, but you're sitting outside.

[B]

Is this a riddle? Because you're in the hobbit hole. Okay, I'm inside, but outside is there.

[C]

Are you. Is there a bush by you? Do you see a bush?

[D]

Sure.

[C]

Okay, turn and look at the bush.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Hello, I am a bush.

[A]

What's your name?

[C]

How was that?

[A]

Wait, he's going to answer you. Yeah, he's going to want to have a conversation.

[B]

My name is Kate. Kate Keith. Kate.

[A]

Kate Bush.

[B]

Get it?

[A]

Kate.

[D]

Oh, okay.

[C]

I still got it.

[B]

What did you think the name was? Keith Key. No, Keith is my brother. I'm Keith Kee.

[D]

Bush is your brother. Keith is bush related to cunts.

[A]

Oh, boy. That's all, folks.

[B]

Yeah, I'll see.

[C]

I see.

[B]

Well, Sylvia, thank you. We want to thank you so much for being here.

[A]

You are a delight. I love. Why not? I'm gonna take these breaths in the middle of the night.

[B]

I'm gonna make those noises.

[A]

I'm looking forward to the time when I'm in my 70s and I care less about everything. I can't wait.

[C]

It's gonna happen unless an accident happens.

[A]

And, you know, and good luck with everything.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

What a fascinating life. And thank you for sharing it with us. Thank you and. And best of luck with. With everything. At home with the. The haunted yard.

[A]

Yep. The tubers, the dogs and just riding your husband into the sunset.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I can't wait. I can't wait.

[A]

I bet neither can he. Why not? Indeed, why not?

[B]

We will be right back when the neighbor listen returns.

[A]

Hi there, this is Q. I am selling Glade Air freshener collection for $50. It's a limited edition. Glade Air Fresheners in twinkling pine and cedar and fall night long since. Well, I gotta tell you, I. I had three boys.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I had three teenage boys. They've all gone off to college. And amazingly, I have no more need for these now. The house smells so good on its own. And thank God I don't have to buy these weird ass canisters ever again. Of course, until they come home, which I hope is not soon. I love them, but I don't love to smell them. Come get these, please. Thank you.

[B]

Welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

What a. What a wonderful way to end the season.

[A]

Yeah. She was a delight.

[B]

She was really something else.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. What a life, you know? What a life.

[B]

What a life. A life. Well lived.

[A]

From Brooklyn to. To having the shot. The love child of Elliot Gould.

[B]

To cheating on her husband all those years.

[A]

To becoming. To talking to ghosts. I mean, what a. She contains multitudes, truly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I hope she's having a great time with her husband right now.

[B]

May I say, why not?

[A]

Why not?

[B]

I'm going to take that attitude to heart.

[D]

She's still walking down the driveway in.

[A]

Those platforms four times. Babe, can you go help her to her car maybe? Or just at least keep an eye on her. Can you see her from where you are?

[B]

Yeah, just watch her. I. I don't think she would. She wouldn't appreciate. Yeah.

[A]

How's the Nole coming? I mean, how's the Hobbit? How's the Hobbit hole Hobbiton coming?

[D]

Here we go.

[A]

Oh, here we go. Here we go. I don't know what that means. Oh, now what is that? Now that sounds like. I'm sorry, this is what now?

[B]

I. I don't understand. Doug, I'm so sorry. That was my first thought as well. Are we watching qi?

[A]

Doug, what happened, babe?

[B]

What is. Explain the connection to hobbits.

[A]

Explain yourself.

[B]

I can't wait.

[A]

Me neither.

[B]

I asked.

[D]

I asked Alexis to play me something from the Shire.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Oh.

[D]

And that's what they played me.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

And I think it's a reggae band.

[B]

Ye, sure.

[A]

Well, if you, you know.

[D]

Vibes only, though, if.

[A]

If Hobbiton was in a tropical place, that's probably what it would sound like.

[B]

Probably.

[A]

Probably. To reason, it probably wouldn't be a bunch of pan flutes.

[B]

I mean, do you think. Here's the thing. This is an untapped idea is that was Middle Earth. Just this one square footage of area.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

It could have been all over the world these times for sure. And there could have been tropical hobbits.

[A]

Why not? Oh, I would love tropical. Tropical Hobbits.

[B]

Tropical. Yeah, yeah. No smoking.

[A]

Yes, yes, absolutely.

[D]

Yeah. Smoking their pipe.

[B]

Oh, that's right.

[D]

It would be like banana peels or something.

[B]

Yeah, Yeah.

[D]

I love those movies. Doesn't like how much I've watched them.

[A]

Yeah, I don't. Well, because what he does is he watches them. And we're coming up in this time because we're about to start the new year.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And in that sort of dead time after the holidays, you know, we're waiting just for everything up again. You start to kind of lose your mind a little bit. And so that's when he sets aside time to watch every single movie, starting with the Hobbit.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

Extended edition yes, he does. He does all the, all the.

[B]

Wait, you're saying there's an extended edition of the Hobbit as well?

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, all of them.

[B]

That's criminal.

[D]

And I do the Leonard Nimoy.

[A]

That's, that's right. That's right. He does that one.

[B]

Almost sing that song.

[A]

And he does, he does. Second breakfast. He does. I have, he does 11 z's. I have to prepare all of those.

[D]

Wear the wigs. He wears the wigs long, you know, like a strand. Elephant hair.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So I think it'll, it's a big deal. It takes a lot of time. It's a lot of work.

[B]

I, I, I speak a little Elvish. Sure. I, I know enough. I know enough to stay away from Mordor.

[A]

Oh, very good accent. Very good accent.

[C]

Arwen.

[A]

Arwen. Is that Liv Tyler?

[B]

That is Liv Tyler. Man flesh. Man flesh.

[A]

Man flesh.

[B]

That's, that's an orc, I presume That's Orcish. Yes.

[A]

Orcs. Don't they have a song from the.

[D]

From the thing about the Orkin thing about Orkin?

[A]

No. Is there a song in the animated movie?

[B]

Oh, yes, of course there is.

[A]

Can you remember how it goes?

[B]

I can't. I remember that, that movie. The Hobbit and the, I guess the Lord of the Rings too.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Ralph backs you very, very, very bleak.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Like that kind of animation that as a kid. Like the old Spider man cartoon. Is this for me?

[D]

I don'.

[A]

Is, it's, it's, it's, it's gritty.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, when there's a. Where there's a whip, there's a way.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Yes. No. Oh, no, no.

[D]

So gloopy sounding.

[B]

This is right in my range.

[A]

You can do this one.

[B]

Where there's a whip, there's a whip.

[A]

Way.

[B]

Where there's a whip, there's a way.

[A]

You can do it.

[B]

I can just do that.

[A]

You found it. I know. When you were singing two different notes, I was seeing.

[B]

This is perfect for me.

[A]

This is amazing.

[B]

Do you know what my goal, my goal for the next season?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

If I, I, I hope it's not let's do it.

[A]

No, you know, I just, I did a whole board for it for this season.

[B]

Right, right. But I, I don't want to, I don't want to, you know, lose, waste our time. I understand, you know, closing out this season by talking about next season, but I'm gonna, I'm gonna really try to add some more notes to my singing repertoire.

[A]

Oh, I think it's great. Listen, I think you're already on your way. You have two notes now. Like, officially.

[B]

Yeah, it's official.

[A]

It's official. We're calling it at the end of season 13. You now have two time of second note.

[D]

I'll miss that.

[B]

Do you see this big scratch on my arm?

[A]

Yes, I do. Is that from the climb?

[B]

Yeah, that. That is from the climb.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

One on the other arm, too.

[B]

Yeah. You know what it is is that halfway up the Devil's Tower, there's a. A lemon tree. And these stupid ass trees for some reason have gigantic thorns on them.

[A]

How can that survive? It doesn't look like there's any vegetation up there.

[B]

I almost feel like I talked about it on this show before, because for some reason, lemon trees, I don't know how I keep coming in proximity to them, but they sure do have thorns.

[A]

Yes, they do.

[B]

For such a sour fruit. For such a sour fruit, who do you think is coming after you?

[A]

Absolutely. Yeah, exactly. Who do you need to protect yourself from?

[B]

Also, it's not working.

[A]

It's not working.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

We got to get by you.

[A]

Everyone. Well, I have a. I have.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Final post. Yes.

[A]

And it is from Kimberly. And posts like this always just make me laugh. Well, not in a great way. Kind of like, I just, you know, you know me. I don't like it when we use this pose. We. When we use. Use this app for unnecessary things. Incorrect way. Exactly. Which. I think this falls into that category. Kimberly writes. Hello. Any recommendations on where I can get some fresh sourdough bread by tomorrow? Now, Kimberly. Kimberly. Now, Kimberly.

[B]

Were you looking for sourdough?

[A]

We're looking for sourdough. And you need it by tomorrow. Have you ever heard of a store, Kimberly, you can go to almost any store that.

[D]

We'll have a red section, San Francisco, by tomorrow.

[A]

Specify, babe.

[B]

If that's what she's looking for, she's out of luck.

[A]

She's out of luck.

[B]

I mean, but here's the thing. I wonder if this is one of those people that doesn't. They. They don't trust like an online review. Right? They don't trust Yelp or something like that. But see, I want to hear somebody's firsthand experience. I want them to tell me that's true. Yeah, I'm not saying. I'm not saying I agree with it.

[A]

No, it's true. It's just these stakes of. It is what bothers me. Oh, it has to be by tomorrow. What situation has happened where all of a Sudden you have to come buy some sourdough and it has to be tomorrow. And guess what? If it has to be tomorrow, you're buying store bought a grocery store sourdough. You can't go to some baker. It's probably closed. This is, it's evening. I don't. Now listen, I don't know what.

[B]

By tomorrow.

[A]

Bye. Tomorrow is.

[B]

This is somebody. This, this sounds like somebody.

[A]

A life saving issue.

[B]

Yeah, like somebody. You must deliver me. It was a jigsaw. If you don't bring me fresh sourdough bread by dawn, you'll die.

[A]

Yeah. She on a, a scavenger hunt that might end in death if she can't. If she can't get to it. This is just. Is she on the Amazing Race? These kinds of posters, too many people.

[B]

Run around not taking. They're taking bread for granted.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

You spent your life depriving people people of sourdough. You waited tables for 24 years. When people asked if there were sourdough toast, you said no, there was a loaf of sourdough at the back.

[A]

Oh, is this what happens? Jigsaw knows about previous things that they've done in their life.

[B]

Here's what Jigsaw.

[D]

Jigsaw is a good guy.

[A]

I. Oh, he's not going to go that far.

[B]

He's very misunderstood. The thing about one of those people.

[A]

That says Gaston was the bad guy guy in Beauty and the Beast. Give me a break. People say that, you know, is that.

[D]

A large contingent of people it is.

[B]

Who was Gaston again?

[A]

He's the bad guy.

[B]

Boyfriend.

[A]

He's the boy.

[B]

He's the bad guy. I mean he's very full of himself.

[D]

Right.

[B]

He sings a song about how great he is.

[A]

Sorry people. Did I say bad guy? People think he's sorry. People think he's the good guy because.

[B]

He'S not a monster. Well, it's very easy to say it.

[A]

Is, but he's under a spell. It's not his fault. I guess he was kind of a monster of the old.

[D]

She didn't know.

[A]

Ariela Green Gaston the Good Guy. How.

[D]

Well, now that I think about it.

[B]

What do you want? What do you want to hear?

[A]

Okay, I want. What I want is. I want information about Jigsaw. I'm never going to watch these movies.

[B]

Jigsaw is a man dying of cancer.

[A]

Oh really?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That is a twist I did not see coming.

[B]

Yes, yes. And he tried to kill himself, but failed.

[A]

Oh dear.

[B]

And ever since then he made it everybody else's problem.

[A]

And is he like disfigured Is that what. Why he wears a mask?

[B]

No, he doesn't wear a mask. We have seen.

[A]

He wears that mask with the cheeks.

[B]

No, no, no. That's a little doll.

[D]

That's a little doll. You're kidding.

[B]

That's a little puppet on a tricycle.

[D]

Avatar, if you will.

[A]

It's even more terrifying.

[B]

His name. I found out his name is Billy. People call him Jigsaw. But he's not Jigsaw. He's Billy.

[A]

Okay. Okay. But you never see what his. He looks like this.

[B]

No, you do see what he looks like, eventually.

[A]

Is this Harry?

[B]

No, he looks like. He looks like the actor. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Yeah. No, he's not. He's not supernatural in any. Anyway, he's just very clever.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

He's 10,000 steps.

[A]

He just wishes he was dead. So he's just gonna kill him?

[D]

He relishes life.

[B]

He relishes life and he hates when you waste it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Or if you waste other people's lives.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Like, if you're a drug dealer, you better believe Jigsaw's gonna trap a little.

[A]

More sense as to why they would make so many of these movies. So we're ending up. It's like a Dexter situation. We are kind of like, oh, these people deserve to die.

[B]

That's what I realized. Maybe I wasn't the only monster in the room.

[D]

That's good.

[B]

Really Spent the whole series figuring it out, figuring out the same thing over and over again.

[A]

He was the Carrie, Brad, job, serial killers. And then.

[B]

And just like that. And just like that, I got it again.

[A]

I think that's a good place to end.

[B]

It really is. So, Kimberly, you.

[A]

We had to subscribe saying that it's gotten bad, burnt. You just tell the person that who's supposed to read to go to hell. And you can't keep doing that, can you? Can you not? Can you not only focus on more notes next year, but less of telling guests to go to hell?

[B]

You know what, Joan? You're right, and I apologize. And especially at the end of a year, you don't want to. You don't want to have end on this. No, we don't end on this.

[A]

We're going to. And on this level, we wish you a happy new Year.

[B]

Yes. Everyone, have a wonderful new year. Thank you for joining us here for this season, and we look forward to seeing you again next season. If you would like to. If you can't wait to hear from us until our next season begins, go to cbbworld.com and sign up for the Maximus Year. And you'll get our bonus episodes.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

So there's a little bit more of us. They come out once a month, no matter what. So there's a little extra stuff from Dignity Falls coming to you.

[A]

That's right. Don't forget, we're doing Sketch Fest. And that's all up online now.

[B]

That's correct. That is gonna be.

[A]

So you can see us In January.

[B]

Sunday, January 18th, if I'm not much mistaken.

[A]

No, you are correct. It is a Sunday. Yeah, you're right on the date.

[D]

That's a festival.

[A]

It's a festival. This is the one that we did where you. You always seem to get distracted. You were.

[B]

You were late every time you wanted.

[A]

To go to Alcatraz. It was a mess. And I really hope you just start the show with us in the building. I think we're going to be at a new venue, so you have to really be careful.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Here's what's strange. We're at Cobb's Comedy Club.

[A]

I think so.

[D]

Cobb.

[B]

Cobbs.

[A]

We're at a comedy club and we're just confused because we're not a comedy podcast.

[B]

Yeah, we were at a proper theater. Yeah, we were just.

[A]

We keep getting invited to Sketch Fest. We've never been invited to any other podcast fest. So we just say yes. Yes, that's great. You know, and. But yeah, I don't get the comedy part.

[B]

Yeah, I don't get. Maybe it's just because of the size of the venue. It's. It's a bigger place and it's the.

[A]

Only place they have. Yeah, I get it. There's a lot of celebrities there. But it is put us there.

[B]

It is a bigger venue. So please buy tickets.

[A]

Please do.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

We've been sold out the last few times we've done the festival, so we hope to do that again this time. Imagine you're going to this twice. That makes sense.

[D]

We have to pay for the flight, for our Dignity Falls neighbor all the way out there.

[B]

That's true. We're on the hotel.

[A]

Whoever we have as a guest, we fly them out. And I, for whatever reason, we do it first class. I don't know why we put them.

[B]

Up at a better hotel than we're at.

[A]

We always rent them a Hummer.

[B]

They have a personal driver and a Hummer the entire weekend. We only do the show one day. We got to rethink this, guys. We really should during the break.

[A]

This is why we start out the year so broke. Every time the red. But I do want to say one more Thing. You know, people have come up to me throughout the year. We. I love hearing, please come and say hi to us. If you're. If you're at a show or, like, you know, like, that we're in the audience of. And you see us there, too, watching a show. Please say hi to us.

[B]

Not during the show.

[A]

Not during the show. Because the people on stage, you know, they need the. But it makes me so happy to meet all of you and hear that this show helps you stay happy again. I don't know what the happy. Like, they talk about how we make them laugh. I don't know. Maybe some people are getting comedy from this. I'm not sure.

[B]

They're just. Maybe people are just laughing because it's so relatable because they live in neighborhoods, too.

[A]

That's right. And we do have a laugh every once in a while.

[B]

We do it every once in a while. It is true, Joan. Only once in a while.

[D]

Next year, I want to get into Doug's chuckles more.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I only did that on one episode.

[A]

We'll carve out a few more moments for you.

[B]

Was that it? Was that a. Yeah, sort of department.

[A]

We've coined a few. Yes. I believe the first Doug's chuckle. Yes. I'll tell you what the first Doug chuckle was. It was. What gave him a chuckle was the fact that these doop bands would sing.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

About, like, you know what?

[D]

No, I'm sorry. That's not. I'm sorry.

[B]

They would listen. No, it was hard. It was greasers like these. These thugs from the 1950s. They would listen to do wop gangs.

[A]

But I was right that it was the first chuckle. This. This. I just got it wrong. Exactly. What the chuckle, Doug.

[B]

Honestly, that is a thought that has not left my brain. Whenever I hear. Whenever I hear, like, the toughest guys.

[D]

You've seen.

[B]

Toughest guys.

[D]

These are the scariest guys on the street. You're not supposed to laugh.

[B]

Like, before they went out and whipped somebody in the face with a bike chain. They'd be listening to Silhouettes. Silhouettes. Yeah. This makes me crazy with violence.

[A]

That's a good one, babe. I like that sound effect.

[B]

I think about it all the time.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

All right. So, yeah, more Dutch chuckles in the new year. Well, thank you so much for listening. We'll be back with our season with our 10th season. Can you believe it? Our 10th season. And we look forward to chatting with you then. Until then, goodbye and bye.

[A]

All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed.

[B]

The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me, Paul F. Tompkins and me.

[D]

Nicole Parker and me Brett Morris.

[A]

This episode's guest was played by Mitch Silpa.

[B]

The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang world.

[A]

Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show ad free as well as brand new full length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maxima subscribers. Your support keeps the.