The Neighborhood Listen
Episode: “Water Robots with Michael McDonald”
Date: December 2, 2025 Guests: Michael McDonald as “Diane”

Episode Overview

This episode of The Neighborhood Listen welcomes Michael McDonald as “Diane”, a singular Dignity Falls resident with a mysterious past, as hosts Burnt Millipede (Paul F. Tompkins), Joan Pedestrian (Nicole Parker), and Doug (Brett Morris) investigate the drama behind a local senior swim class called the “Water Robots.” The conversation weaves through Diane’s unusual biography, the saga of the pool closures, the peculiarities of the town’s senior community, and a possible unsolved crime.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Meet the Hosts and Setting the Scene

[01:10-04:20]

• Burnt (pharmacist) and Joan (top realtor, actress) banter about podcast introductions and Joan’s ambitious one-woman show “All Gretel,” inspired by a misunderstood mayor’s wife.
• The hosts discuss Dignity Falls’ quirky local color, referencing their odd town critic Mitch McNutt, and real-life personal misadventures (Joan in "feminine overdrive," Doug’s revolving room construction projects).

Memorable Quotes:

• Joan: “I’m in feminine overdrive... I’ve started writing this project, it’s a little bit like perimenopause—everything’s over-exaggerated.” ([05:37])
• Burnt: “None of it makes any sense.” ([03:50])

Doug’s Newspaper Adventure

[08:15-16:00]

• Doug reveals he’s in his “newspaper room” due to inheriting a backlog of newspapers from local lifer/paperboy Nikki Sweeness. Doug inadvertently ends up doing Nikki’s paper route, which has snowballed into a full responsibility.
• The team jokes about Dignity Falls’ competing newspapers (the ultra-thin Tribune and the massive Plain Dealer with extra-large fonts for “older readers”).

Notable Exchange:

• Doug: “He tricked me into that... Now I’m doing his routes.” ([13:56])
• Doug: “I can’t find Nikki... He said, once I deliver all these newspapers, I would find him.” ([16:59])

Wedding Plans & Dignity Falls Customs

[17:28-19:56]

• Burnt and his fiancée Gabby (a “smoke jumper”) are planning a wedding—possibly involving skydiving—and discuss the town’s extra "Sprun" season, caused by carnivorous plant pollen.
• Doug suggests tossing the bridal bouquet out of the skydiving plane.

Quote:

• Joan: “It’s ugly, because... the bouquet gets destroyed–it’s like a metaphor for marriage.” ([19:39])

Main Neighborhap Post: Diane & The Water Robots

[23:16-24:54]

• Christine M. Malcolm submits a post from “Diane,” voicing complaints about the inconsistent closure of the Fernwood Park seniors’ pool, affecting their “Water Robots” class—a lifeline for the town’s elderly (“singers” and “robots”).

Interview: Diane—A Character Like No Other

[24:54-70:56]

Diane’s Backstory Unveiled

[25:05-28:02]

• Diane, a 79-year-old man, reveals his parents wanted a Christian daughter; he has a crucifix tattoo from age four, and a “handler,” Murray, paid to pick up things Diane drops.

Quote:

• Diane: “My parents were hoping for a girl who was Christian... They were Jewish.” ([25:12])

Delving into Water Robots

[29:01-32:05]

• The “water robots” are a group of mobility-impaired seniors who move staccato (“like a B-boy doing the robot”) in the pool; singing helps locate group members (as with Marco Polo). Diane’s movement is humorously described as “robotic” due to joint issues.

Quote:

• “Everything is painful, dear. I open my eyes in the morning, and I need a Benadryl and an asp.” ([31:55])

Medications and Old-Timey Drug Slang

[33:16-34:42]

• Diane discusses “popping joints” and refers to painkillers via 1930s slang (“Black Beauties,” “Yellow Jackets”).

Dress Code and Pool Etiquette

[34:42-36:02]

• Diane attends the pool in a “blanket with a hole in it” (like a poncho), eschewing cumbersome bathing suits for simplicity; admits to occasional nudity at the swim class.

Notable Quote:

• “Why would I embrace the simplicity of my hole in a blanket and, underneath, have an intricate [bathing suit]?” ([34:36])

The Robots’ Social Structure

[35:23-37:35]

• The “lead robot” wears a crown with inflatable balls as a cautionary device. Diane inherited “lead robot” status after Empress Meredith drowned (having ignored the yellow caution tape the robots use in lieu of lane markers).

Scandalous Revelations (Nudity & “Snailing”)

[38:08-39:29]

• Diane candidly describes how nudity at the pool may have led to closure, notably recounting the physiological phenomenon of “snailing” (testicles “dragging on the tile” among elderly males).

Standout Moment:

• Diane: “My testicles were dragging on the tile. It’s called snailing.” ([39:09])

Diane’s Family & Mysterious Past

[44:17-49:31]

• Diane shares that his wife Zira died under “mysterious circumstances”; he joked to police: “The only mystery to me was why I didn’t kill her.”
• He has six children, all with nontraditional naming conventions (e.g., daughter David, son Debbie), and a family policy of “good luck at 18.”
• Admits some emotional distance: “We have a family policy: you turn 18, good luck.” ([46:29])

Political Scandal & The “Freebie” Law

[49:31-69:20]

• Diane was a state senator, ousted after his wife’s mysterious death, which he claims resulted from exhaustion and a subsequent bicycle accident. Admits to a glib interaction with police and temporary jail time ("the clink").
• Dignity Falls has unique local laws: “one freebie” allows one non-repeatable crime per resident, reflected in gold letters at the courthouse.
• The legal system’s oddness intertwines with Diane’s own legacy as a vaudeville child star and tattooed entertainer, all chronicled in old newspapers Doug now stewards.

Final Thoughts & Wrap-up

[72:33-79:00]

• Burnt, Joan, and Doug reflect on Diane’s interview—debating Dignity Falls’ treatment of the elderly and the town’s permissiveness about nude seniors.
• Doug “clears the air” about his faux pas regarding pharmacists’ duties and a local “blast pra” plaque.
• The episode closes with a humorous discussion of the Dignity Falls airport’s nonsensical “library,” and oddball posts about vintage rotary phones and book magazines.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Diane, on his youth:
  “They took me to get the tattoo of a crucifix on my shoulder. I had just turned four.” ([25:39-26:17])

• Diane, on drugs in his era:
  “I live in a democratic part of town, so I can do heroin.” ([32:09])

• On the “Water Robots":
  “One of the meaner kids in town called us robots. So we’re taking it back.” ([35:38])

• Diane, on the key pool incident:
  “My testicles were dragging on the tile. It’s called snailing.” ([39:09])

• Burnt (post-interview):
  “It made me a little sad because...it’s the way we treat our elderly. And also, he’s a murderer.” ([72:36])

• Diane (admitting possible guilt):
  “I just don’t want to have to kill again.” ([70:13])

Important Timestamps

• 00:45-04:20 — Hosts introduce themselves, show format, and local Dignity Falls flavor
• 08:15-16:56 — Doug’s “newspaper room” explanation and paperboy story
• 17:22-21:36 — Updates on Burnt & Gabby’s wedding; Sprun season and bouquet-drop ideas
• 23:16-24:54 — The “Water Robots” Neighborhap post is read
• 24:54-70:56 — Interview with Diane (“Water Robots” leader, possible murder suspect, ex-senator, vaudeville star)
• 70:56-79:00 — The hosts debrief, reflect, joke about prescription law, and tackle additional neighbor posts

Tone & Language

The episode maintains The Neighborhood Listen’s signature: warm, absurdist, small-town improv, with sharp wit, zany tangents, and a gentle, conspiratorial style. Much of the humor arises from the hosts’ deadpan treatment of wild neighborhood absurdities and the guest’s commitment to an increasingly bizarre backstory.

Summary Takeaway

This episode’s highlights are the immersive, hilarious journey through Diane’s layered personal history—a peculiar lens on both the very real struggles of older adults and the eccentricities of Dignity Falls. Tying together old-timey local politics, pool etiquette, and legal loopholes, this installment is quintessential Neighborhood Listen: absurd yet affectionate, sprawling but never aimless.