Water Robots with Michael McDonald

Summary

The Neighborhood Listen
Episode: “Water Robots with Michael McDonald”
Date: December 2, 2025 Guests: Michael McDonald as “Diane”

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Episode Overview

This episode of The Neighborhood Listen welcomes Michael McDonald as “Diane”, a singular Dignity Falls resident with a mysterious past, as hosts Burnt Millipede (Paul F. Tompkins), Joan Pedestrian (Nicole Parker), and Doug (Brett Morris) investigate the drama behind a local senior swim class called the “Water Robots.” The conversation weaves through Diane’s unusual biography, the saga of the pool closures, the peculiarities of the town’s senior community, and a possible unsolved crime.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Meet the Hosts and Setting the Scene

[01:10-04:20]

• Burnt (pharmacist) and Joan (top realtor, actress) banter about podcast introductions and Joan’s ambitious one-woman show “All Gretel,” inspired by a misunderstood mayor’s wife.
• The hosts discuss Dignity Falls’ quirky local color, referencing their odd town critic Mitch McNutt, and real-life personal misadventures (Joan in "feminine overdrive," Doug’s revolving room construction projects).

Memorable Quotes:

• Joan: “I’m in feminine overdrive... I’ve started writing this project, it’s a little bit like perimenopause—everything’s over-exaggerated.” ([05:37])
• Burnt: “None of it makes any sense.” ([03:50])

Doug’s Newspaper Adventure

[08:15-16:00]

• Doug reveals he’s in his “newspaper room” due to inheriting a backlog of newspapers from local lifer/paperboy Nikki Sweeness. Doug inadvertently ends up doing Nikki’s paper route, which has snowballed into a full responsibility.
• The team jokes about Dignity Falls’ competing newspapers (the ultra-thin Tribune and the massive Plain Dealer with extra-large fonts for “older readers”).

Notable Exchange:

• Doug: “He tricked me into that... Now I’m doing his routes.” ([13:56])
• Doug: “I can’t find Nikki... He said, once I deliver all these newspapers, I would find him.” ([16:59])

Wedding Plans & Dignity Falls Customs

[17:28-19:56]

• Burnt and his fiancée Gabby (a “smoke jumper”) are planning a wedding—possibly involving skydiving—and discuss the town’s extra "Sprun" season, caused by carnivorous plant pollen.
• Doug suggests tossing the bridal bouquet out of the skydiving plane.

Quote:

• Joan: “It’s ugly, because... the bouquet gets destroyed–it’s like a metaphor for marriage.” ([19:39])

Main Neighborhap Post: Diane & The Water Robots

[23:16-24:54]

• Christine M. Malcolm submits a post from “Diane,” voicing complaints about the inconsistent closure of the Fernwood Park seniors’ pool, affecting their “Water Robots” class—a lifeline for the town’s elderly (“singers” and “robots”).

Interview: Diane—A Character Like No Other

[24:54-70:56]

Diane’s Backstory Unveiled

[25:05-28:02]

• Diane, a 79-year-old man, reveals his parents wanted a Christian daughter; he has a crucifix tattoo from age four, and a “handler,” Murray, paid to pick up things Diane drops.

Quote:

• Diane: “My parents were hoping for a girl who was Christian... They were Jewish.” ([25:12])

Delving into Water Robots

[29:01-32:05]

• The “water robots” are a group of mobility-impaired seniors who move staccato (“like a B-boy doing the robot”) in the pool; singing helps locate group members (as with Marco Polo). Diane’s movement is humorously described as “robotic” due to joint issues.

Quote:

• “Everything is painful, dear. I open my eyes in the morning, and I need a Benadryl and an asp.” ([31:55])

Medications and Old-Timey Drug Slang

[33:16-34:42]

• Diane discusses “popping joints” and refers to painkillers via 1930s slang (“Black Beauties,” “Yellow Jackets”).

Dress Code and Pool Etiquette

[34:42-36:02]

• Diane attends the pool in a “blanket with a hole in it” (like a poncho), eschewing cumbersome bathing suits for simplicity; admits to occasional nudity at the swim class.

Notable Quote:

• “Why would I embrace the simplicity of my hole in a blanket and, underneath, have an intricate [bathing suit]?” ([34:36])

The Robots’ Social Structure

[35:23-37:35]

• The “lead robot” wears a crown with inflatable balls as a cautionary device. Diane inherited “lead robot” status after Empress Meredith drowned (having ignored the yellow caution tape the robots use in lieu of lane markers).

Scandalous Revelations (Nudity & “Snailing”)

[38:08-39:29]

• Diane candidly describes how nudity at the pool may have led to closure, notably recounting the physiological phenomenon of “snailing” (testicles “dragging on the tile” among elderly males).

Standout Moment:

• Diane: “My testicles were dragging on the tile. It’s called snailing.” ([39:09])

Diane’s Family & Mysterious Past

[44:17-49:31]

• Diane shares that his wife Zira died under “mysterious circumstances”; he joked to police: “The only mystery to me was why I didn’t kill her.”
• He has six children, all with nontraditional naming conventions (e.g., daughter David, son Debbie), and a family policy of “good luck at 18.”
• Admits some emotional distance: “We have a family policy: you turn 18, good luck.” ([46:29])

Political Scandal & The “Freebie” Law

[49:31-69:20]

• Diane was a state senator, ousted after his wife’s mysterious death, which he claims resulted from exhaustion and a subsequent bicycle accident. Admits to a glib interaction with police and temporary jail time ("the clink").
• Dignity Falls has unique local laws: “one freebie” allows one non-repeatable crime per resident, reflected in gold letters at the courthouse.
• The legal system’s oddness intertwines with Diane’s own legacy as a vaudeville child star and tattooed entertainer, all chronicled in old newspapers Doug now stewards.

Final Thoughts & Wrap-up

[72:33-79:00]

• Burnt, Joan, and Doug reflect on Diane’s interview—debating Dignity Falls’ treatment of the elderly and the town’s permissiveness about nude seniors.
• Doug “clears the air” about his faux pas regarding pharmacists’ duties and a local “blast pra” plaque.
• The episode closes with a humorous discussion of the Dignity Falls airport’s nonsensical “library,” and oddball posts about vintage rotary phones and book magazines.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Diane, on his youth:
  “They took me to get the tattoo of a crucifix on my shoulder. I had just turned four.” ([25:39-26:17])

• Diane, on drugs in his era:
  “I live in a democratic part of town, so I can do heroin.” ([32:09])

• On the “Water Robots":
  “One of the meaner kids in town called us robots. So we’re taking it back.” ([35:38])

• Diane, on the key pool incident:
  “My testicles were dragging on the tile. It’s called snailing.” ([39:09])

• Burnt (post-interview):
  “It made me a little sad because...it’s the way we treat our elderly. And also, he’s a murderer.” ([72:36])

• Diane (admitting possible guilt):
  “I just don’t want to have to kill again.” ([70:13])

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Important Timestamps

• 00:45-04:20 — Hosts introduce themselves, show format, and local Dignity Falls flavor
• 08:15-16:56 — Doug’s “newspaper room” explanation and paperboy story
• 17:22-21:36 — Updates on Burnt & Gabby’s wedding; Sprun season and bouquet-drop ideas
• 23:16-24:54 — The “Water Robots” Neighborhap post is read
• 24:54-70:56 — Interview with Diane (“Water Robots” leader, possible murder suspect, ex-senator, vaudeville star)
• 70:56-79:00 — The hosts debrief, reflect, joke about prescription law, and tackle additional neighbor posts

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Tone & Language

The episode maintains The Neighborhood Listen’s signature: warm, absurdist, small-town improv, with sharp wit, zany tangents, and a gentle, conspiratorial style. Much of the humor arises from the hosts’ deadpan treatment of wild neighborhood absurdities and the guest’s commitment to an increasingly bizarre backstory.

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Summary Takeaway

This episode’s highlights are the immersive, hilarious journey through Diane’s layered personal history—a peculiar lens on both the very real struggles of older adults and the eccentricities of Dignity Falls. Tying together old-timey local politics, pool etiquette, and legal loopholes, this installment is quintessential Neighborhood Listen: absurd yet affectionate, sprawling but never aimless.

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Transcript

[A]

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[A]

I'm Paul F. Tompkins.

[B]

And I'm Nicole Parker.

[A]

On this podcast we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website.

[B]

Occasionally we change the names of some.

[A]

Streets and that's all you need to know to support the show and unlock the ad free archive as well as exclusive monthly episodes of the Bonus room. Go to cbbworld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership.

[B]

And now please enjoy this episode of the Neighborhood.

[C]

Listen.

[A]

Knock knock.

[B]

Who's there?

[A]

Your neighbor.

[B]

Good Indignity falls. You're never alone. You've got the neighbor half AV and us Burn and Joan. From coyotes to male theft to weird things to sell.

[A]

We'll cover it and meet new neighbors as well.

[B]

We'll chat about any posts you're missing. So just tune in to the neighborhood.

[A]

Listen. Welcome back to the Neighborhood. Listen. If indeed you have listened to it.

[B]

Before, and if you haven't, you better explain who you are.

[A]

Are you talking to listener or to me?

[B]

I'm talking to the listener, okay? I'm talking to the listeners at home.

[A]

You want explanations from the listeners, who they are?

[B]

No, no. I'm saying if you're at home and you're listening for the first time, yes, Then you don't know who we are, so we should tell you. That's what I'm saying.

[A]

Now do you understand my question?

[B]

Are we already getting off to it?

[A]

I don't. I don't think we are. I'm just trying to clarify.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

You said if you haven't listened, you better explain who you are.

[B]

Okay, I get that. Makes sense. I guess I was talking to both groups. Okay. So if you can imagine, I turned my head one way and I said, and if you haven't listened, and that's to the people at home. And then I turned back to you and I said, you better explain who you are.

[C]

Right.

[A]

But people don't know that.

[B]

I know because it's a podcast. Sometimes I forget that.

[A]

And people don't realize. We look all over the place when we do this. All over the place. We're looking all over.

[B]

We try to avoid contact as much as possible. Eye contact, contact of any kind. Well, we. We all know that Burnt hates it if I accidentally brush his foot underneath the kitchen island.

[A]

That's strong.

[B]

It is. It isn't strong. The look of horror on your face. The color drains from your face more than it normally is.

[A]

That doesn't mean I hate it, but that might mean I'm scared.

[B]

Okay, I know, but it's like it's just me.

[A]

I'm afraid of it.

[B]

May.

[A]

A ghoul is under there.

[B]

It's not a ghoul. I know you don't believe in ghosts. You only believe in ghouls.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Explain who you are. Burnt.

[A]

This is.

[B]

Okay, sorry.

[A]

I was about to do it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

This is one of my. One of my favorite things. Somebody takes a breath, and then you. You jump in there. It's the best.

[B]

I've been told I do that a lot.

[A]

Is that true?

[B]

I don't know. It's just my zest for life. Burnt. I'm just excited to be alive. And I'm excited to say things.

[A]

You are a love ro life. And I. It's one of the things that I really appreciate about you.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Because a lot of people are morose and down, and they're saying, why did God create us? And you are. You are somebody who's. Who's saying, this is fun.

[B]

Who cares why God created us? We're here.

[A]

Well, I. Who cares Is strong.

[B]

I mean, does it matter, though, really?

[A]

No, I guess not.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

None of it makes any sense.

[B]

None of it does.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Anyway, my name is Burt. Mia Payday. I am a pharmacist. I'm the pharmacist in chief of the Dignity Falls Missy here in Dignity Falls, which is the subject of this podcast. Dignity Falls, the neighborhood. That's where we are. And this podcast is a look into the neighborhood of Dignity Falls via its many residents. I am one such as.

[B]

Are you my co host, Joan Pedestrian? I am the Local. Well, I'm the top realtor, and I'm a local actress.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

I'm gonna say I'm the top local actress, though. Could I do that?

[A]

Absolutely. I think.

[B]

Absolutely. I'm trying to just. I'm trying to go into the new year eventually, because we're not there yet. I'm going to go into it eventually. I really. I'm very excited about this. This. This one woman show.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

As you know, because of the success of oh, Mary, that show that Cola Scola wrote on Broadway that won all those awards that I'm going to do it our local here. Well, I think of her as a heroine. I think she's very misunderstood. But it was our old mayor's wife, Gretel, and I'm going to call it all Gretel.

[A]

When you say our old mayor. This was quite a long time ago.

[B]

Well, because remember, all they had was wax cylinders of just him speaking. And she walks in the door, all you hear is a door creak.

[A]

You don't even hear him say, do you want to say something?

[B]

Yes. And then she did it.

[A]

She declined.

[B]

I'm going to give her that voice. But here's why I'm trying to. Here's why. I'm in overdrive with my confidence. Okay. I am an overdrive. It's a little bit like perimenopause. Well, because everything's over. Exaggerated.

[A]

Synonymous.

[B]

Well, I'm trying to make them be. I'm trying to make them me. I'm trying to use everything that's happened in my crumbling body. And it's a better name myself, mentally, honestly.

[A]

Better than overdrive.

[B]

Well, she's a feminine overdrive. Yeah, yeah. Let's say that I'm in feminine, directed by Stephen King.

[A]

I'm going to scare the hell out of you.

[B]

It's not a movie podcast. Just a reminder for everybody at home. I'm in feminine overdrive because. Because I. I'm. I've started writing on this project, and here's the thing. You're not gonna like this. I don't even want to bring this up because you get so angry. You know who I'm gonna talk about?

[A]

Yes, I do.

[B]

Our local critic, who is just a. A pos. I'm not allowed to swear on the podcast because my husband.

[A]

But he is a piece of.

[B]

Yeah, I know.

[A]

You get to say his name is Mitch McNutt.

[B]

Doug doesn't let me say it. His name is Mitch McNutt, and he gives me terrible reviews every time I do a show at The Dignity Falls Playhouse. And he sent me. Are you ready for this? He sent me dead flowers. And with a card that was like, hope the show doesn't arrive. Doa. Like these roses. He is trolling me hard. I don't know how we heard about this. I've only talked about this on the podcast. Which means he listens.

[A]

He must listen to this podcast.

[B]

Oh, in his lonely little home. In his turtleneck.

[A]

Yes. That's why he started his podcast. I'm sure of it.

[B]

I think so.

[A]

And then he hijacks our feeds just to get me.

[B]

He does. Sometimes. Sometimes. For whatever reason. On this podcast you'll hear other episodes of him and his partner, Carol Dragon Slayer.

[A]

I think that is unethical for theater critic.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

To send dead flowers.

[B]

I agree.

[A]

Before a person's even begun.

[B]

I'm just in the beginning process. I mean, the early stages.

[A]

Who's this guy, David Harbour?

[B]

Wait, that might be specific. That might be too specific a reference for me. Sorry. That was a feminine overdrive. Well, you know, you messed up my words sometimes.

[D]

Sure.

[A]

Because you're an overdrive.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

Lily Allen.

[B]

Okay, you're talking about that whole situation.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

She wrote an album and it's basically all about airing their dirty laundry. Okay.

[A]

And he sent her. She did. Broadway.

[B]

Yes, she did.

[A]

And he sent her flowers. And with a note that said, these are bad luck flowers.

[B]

Oh, God, that's right.

[A]

I want you to fail because then you won't be away from me. Ew.

[B]

I. Maybe that's their love language or, like a joke, but the optics on them.

[A]

Doesn'T seem like it.

[B]

It doesn't. I hate that.

[A]

I hate it too.

[B]

Anyways, you know who would never send me den flower dead flowers is my husband, Doug.

[C]

Oh, sure.

[B]

How you doing, babe? Let's check in with you.

[D]

I'm good.

[B]

Doug is, of course, in a different room. He builds a different room in the house every. This is for the people who've only listened. I mean, never listened once. Who have only listened so far.

[A]

These are the people who have never listened once. On principle. Who said, tell us who you are.

[B]

Let us hear from you. Where are you today, babe?

[D]

Today I am in the newspaper room.

[B]

Oh, the newspaper room. That's fun. Were you kind of.

[D]

I want to make it clear. One thing clear. I don't build these rooms. You know, per episode. It just happens to be that we record episodes. There's usually a new room to. To talk.

[A]

So every week.

[D]

At least.

[A]

There was.

[B]

Anything to clear up then, babe.

[A]

So you're saying when we're off the clock, when we're not recording, you're still building these rooms? Yeah. Okay, now the newspaper room. Is this a room for hoarding?

[B]

No, I hope not. I was.

[A]

You don't also have, like, an old pill bottle room?

[D]

No.

[B]

Are you trying to do, like, a local newspaper for our house since it's so big?

[D]

Not that either.

[B]

Why don't we let him answer?

[A]

It's a cute idea.

[B]

I think it's kind of cute.

[A]

Can we have five more guesses?

[D]

Take as many as you want. As long as you don't wish for more guesses.

[B]

No, it's not a thing, babe.

[A]

Wish for more guesses. Wish for more guesses. Guess for more guesses. Is it a room made of newspaper?

[D]

Nope.

[B]

Is it a room that's modeled after all the President's Men, which I know is one of your favorite movies, and I know you love those. Sort of like early journalistic, you know, like.

[D]

Let me stop you there.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Colder.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

We were allowed to guess, but he didn't tell us we could be interrupted.

[A]

Is it modeled after the movie the Paper, directed by Ron Howard?

[B]

That's quite a reference. Is that what John Houseman, the Paper.

[A]

You know what? I don't know. And I've seen it, too. I saw it. I saw it in a second run.

[D]

Do you think they started with the title?

[A]

Of course.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

I think.

[B]

No, that's it.

[A]

What Ron Howard does is he writes down location, puts them on a big bulletin board, throws a dart. So we got Apollo 13.

[B]

Well, then how'd you get Cinderella Man? I knew it.

[A]

Yes. He probably had Cinderella's castle.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

And then said no.

[B]

What if Cinderella was Russell?

[A]

I write that one.

[B]

Babe. I get one more guess. Right. We get one more guess. Was that all the guesses? Not going to wish for more guesses. This is Doug we're talking about.

[A]

So what do you.

[B]

Let's. You know what? We've been thinking about what Burt and Joan would do with a newspaper.

[A]

True.

[B]

What would Doug.

[A]

We've been seeing.

[B]

Can't think through normal.

[A]

No.

[D]

Wwd.

[B]

We have to use WWD Doug do. Well, what we have to do is imagine. Because, of course, Doug has explained to us that he has no imagination. When he closes his eyes, he just sees a thin. Like a long blue line.

[D]

At worst.

[A]

Punisher logo.

[B]

So if you had no imagination, what would you. That's of your own admission, babe. I'm sorry. I don't mean to. I'm just trying to get to the bottom of this. Okay, I didn't mean to sound good.

[A]

If you had no imagination.

[D]

I don't think my lack of imagination has to do with this.

[B]

You don't?

[D]

No.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I would say so.

[B]

Would it be really literal?

[A]

Some of these rooms indicate that Doug might have an imagination that he is.

[B]

I agree.

[A]

He's unable to consciously tap into.

[B]

Yeah, I agree. Well, then do we think that it's just maybe newspaper clippings?

[A]

Doug.

[B]

Wow. That fell with a thud. Okay, why don't you just tell us?

[A]

I have one last guess. One last guess.

[B]

Fine.

[A]

Is it.

[B]

Sorry, Joan, it's just the overdrive. Don't listen to me.

[A]

No, you're very. You're really leaning heavily on the overdrive. Is it a room designed to make you feel like you've walked into a literal newspaper?

[B]

Oh, that's a good guess. That's a good guess.

[D]

I love that idea, because he did.

[B]

Create an Internet room that was just like being inside the Internet.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

All right, what is it? What. What do we. What do we got?

[D]

Unfortunately, it's not. It's not great. I.

[A]

Okay, I got.

[B]

Maybe he heard all those guesses and thought, oh, those would have all been better options.

[A]

We've never heard that before.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Do you know Nikki Sweeness?

[A]

No.

[D]

He.

[B]

Is he a local Dignity Falls resident?

[D]

Yeah, he's the paper boy.

[A]

And. Oh, yeah, well, Paper man.

[B]

I know. I was gonna say this is the sad thing about him. Maybe I just wasn't thinking. Yes. He began as a paper boy. He's, like, 47 now. And he still throws. He still throws paper at people's houses, but no one wants.

[A]

He still rides a kid's BMX bike.

[B]

Yes.

[D]

It's pretty cool. He told me. I mean, that was.

[B]

So. So now.

[D]

Huffy spoke master three.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That's right.

[D]

He said I could borrow it.

[B]

So. Wait, what are you borrowing it for?

[A]

The coolest part of the bike, the spokes.

[D]

It's got extra spoke. Master. Yeah.

[B]

So what. What are you. What are you doing again? What's the room?

[D]

It started with him offering me a free. Like, a ride on. On the Huffy spoke master three.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

And then he said, why don't you try to throw a couple papers? That's something I always wanted to do.

[B]

I know it is. You've always. It's. He's had a very romantic idea of being a paper boy. He never got to do it because.

[A]

I've heard him talk about it.

[B]

He. Because he was. He injured his shoulder when he was 9, and he never recovered.

[A]

I remember one year, Joan gave you a messenger bag for Christmas, and you said, that's stolen valor.

[D]

It took a while for us to get through that.

[B]

It was a really bad. The messenger bag year. It was really. It was tough. It was tough. Okay, so now you got to throw a couple.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And then how was it, babe? Was it everything you ever wanted?

[A]

It.

[D]

It was great. Except he gave me. He was. He gave me, like, full papers, like, full Sunday editions.

[A]

Sure.

[D]

He tricked me into that.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Tom Sawyer on you.

[D]

Now I'm doing his routes.

[B]

So within. What? Oh, so you mean the newspaper room is just where you like?

[D]

That's your overstock. Yeah.

[B]

So you've inherited. Do you remember those commercials?

[A]

I don't think that's how it works.

[B]

Overstock.com.

[A]

Overstock.Com.

[B]

OverStock.com. she's very crazy with an untraceable European accent.

[A]

Overstock.

[B]

No, it wasn't quite Carol Channing. I'm doing it wrong. It was more like overstock dot com. You know, it's like.

[A]

That sounds vaguely familiar.

[B]

Yeah. She had a red dress. It was like everything was white. White.

[A]

Yes, yes.

[B]

Yeah. And it just vaguely felt like a. Well, not vaguely. It was a scam. It had to have been.

[A]

Do you know what I. I love to hear what? Overstock.com.

[B]

Oh, that's right. Again. If you are just now listening, we've been on a real kick of doing Elizabeth McGovern's accent from Downton Abbey.

[A]

Yeah. We haven't missed an episode.

[B]

We have not missed a single one.

[A]

It's the through line of this entire season.

[B]

It actually really is.

[A]

Overstuff.

[B]

Overstep. We have too many shades. Lounges. Robert.

[A]

We have so much wicker furniture. Robert.

[B]

There's too much styrofoam. Send. It's giving me a fever.

[A]

Somebody garden.

[C]

Hoo.

[B]

So now you've just inherited a paper route. Is that what you're telling me?

[D]

Yeah. Yeah. And there's way too much paper to deal with. I don't know.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

I don't know what I'm doing.

[A]

Why don't you deliver it from your car?

[B]

That's a great idea.

[A]

Why don't you tell the people at the newspaper that this is happening?

[D]

I think throwing here's one of the problems. The Dignity Falls Tribune is often one or two sheets of paper.

[B]

Right. But then at the same time, the Dignity Falls Plain Dealer is like. Like 500 pages. Sometimes it is like a phone book. It's like having to toss a phone book every single morning.

[A]

The font is Too big.

[B]

The font is way too big.

[A]

The font is too big.

[B]

It's way too big.

[A]

They really sunk all their hopes in that. They said the newsprint is too small. We heard you. Listener readers. And then they made the font so big that like, a single article, a single page will be like the first sentence of an article.

[B]

Yes. But you know what? The older community really loves it. They love it.

[A]

Oh, my God, they love it.

[B]

It takes them all week to read.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And. And they never have to complain about anything that's difficult. Like, they actually love it. So it's actually keeping a lot of the older folks in town active. You know, it's good for their brain.

[A]

I. I'm doing. I'm doing a 180 on it. It's good.

[B]

I've never seen you change so quickly.

[A]

Well, you make a good case.

[B]

Well, thank you. Okay, babe.

[D]

Well, it's hard to throw one piece of paper.

[B]

Sure.

[D]

You know, one ply out.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

From the bike. But then, you know, the. The. The other edition.

[B]

The plane dealer.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[D]

Then it's like, I gotta drag it behind the bike.

[B]

Yeah, I can see that. I think you just can stop doing this. And I'm not sure that anyone would notice. I know. But a lot of you need to find a way to re. Outsource this. This is just.

[A]

Well, you should call.

[D]

I can't find Nikki. I can't find Nikki.

[B]

Yeah, that's my next question. He's just disappeared.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

I have a hard time believing that because this is the only thing he's ever done. Where would he go?

[D]

He said once I deliver all of the. All of these newspapers, that I would find him.

[B]

Oh, boy. This sounds like the wild goose chase.

[A]

You would find him.

[B]

This sounds like the. I won't say wild goose chase because I know you didn't like that. This was like what happened to your girlfriend Gabby, who is now your fiance. She led you on a journey to find her with clues all around town and ended up posing to you.

[A]

It was a fun. That's right.

[B]

And have you guys made plans yet? Do you have.

[A]

We're in the process of making plans. We don't have a date yet. We're thinking we want to avoid the marriage. Yes. We just. We just want to avoid Sprun. And do we need to explain what Sprun is?

[B]

I feel like we just talked about it.

[A]

Sprun is like the fifth season that we here in Dignity Falls.

[B]

It's brought about by carnivorous plants.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

That put out pollen.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

That makes everyone's sinuses go insane.

[A]

That's right. So obviously want to avoid that.

[D]

Do you think we'll have an episode that's just all explanations of what we're talking about?

[A]

That's not a bad idea.

[B]

It's not a bad idea. I think even we sometimes forget what we've talked about. Okay, so you know that it's going to not be in sprung.

[A]

Yes. And we are trying to figure out if we can involve jumping out of an airplane.

[B]

I know you guys are real thrill seekers.

[A]

Yes, well, but she's also a smoke jumper. She's a smoke jump.

[B]

I can see you guys.

[A]

And all her bridesmaids will be.

[B]

They're all going to be jumping.

[A]

That's her circle, you know.

[B]

Does this mean all the attendants of the wedding, we're all just going to be on the ground just watching you come in?

[A]

Well, that's what we're trying to figure out. Does everyone jump? Do all the attendance.

[B]

Oh, God, you can't make everyone jump. It's bad enough if you ask people to go to, like, a destination wedding like here, come to Jamaica and pay for everything.

[A]

What's worse, spend a bunch of money going to another country or just learn how to jump out of an airplane.

[B]

That's a big deal, Burns. Not everyone's going to want to do that.

[A]

Not nearly as expensive.

[B]

What about her grandparents? Well, never mind. That's in the family. I know. They all do that.

[A]

They all do that.

[B]

What'd you say, babe should throw the.

[D]

The flowers out also. Then whoever catches them, that he's saying.

[B]

You get all the single ladies up in a plane, and then all the single ladies.

[A]

Wait, wait, I. You're. You're not suggesting all the single ladies go up in a plane? You're suggesting the flowers go up in a plane. They're dropped from a plane, and then everyone has to peer up skyward to see this tiny dot.

[B]

That would really ramp up the. I really do hate that tradition, by the way. Because you know why? Because it's just. It's ugly. It's ugly because, you know, I've seen too many videos. People really, really hurt themselves or they're trying too hard, and. And the bouquet gets destroyed.

[A]

It's true.

[B]

And then it's like a metaphor for marriage.

[A]

What are you gonna do with that bouquet? You know what I mean?

[B]

Nothing. It's just bragging rights. And I think it just sets the wrong tone for a wedding.

[A]

But, I mean, if the bouquet gets destroyed, who cares?

[D]

This is overdrive talking.

[B]

That's Gonna be my nickname now. It just says Overdrive's awake.

[A]

Overdrives awake.

[B]

How long we've been talking, baby?

[A]

Great question, Joan. What. What's the. What's the. What does the bell signify, Doug?

[D]

Oh, nothing. That's just. That comes with the bike.

[B]

Your bike.

[A]

That's what your bike bell sounds like.

[B]

It sounds like a hotel.

[A]

Sounds like a hotel desk bell. Did you just tie one of those to your bike?

[D]

Do bike bells sound different than that?

[A]

Yeah, they do. They absolutely do.

[B]

I'm surprised you're having to ask that since you do have a bike belt.

[D]

This is the Huffy Spokemaster 3, though.

[B]

I know, but it's. I guarantee you, I feel like almost.

[D]

See?

[B]

Take a look at it. Is it like a little dome with a little.

[D]

Yeah, of course.

[A]

A little plus.

[B]

That's not. That's not a bike belt, babe. It's not.

[D]

Okay, Nick.

[B]

What's his name? Nikki?

[D]

Nicky.

[B]

He sold you? Not sold you. He made you. He forced you to have a bike that is. That doesn't have a proper belt.

[D]

He said I could work it off and then get the free bike.

[B]

I'm not happy. We need to try. How long have we been talking, babe?

[D]

19 minutes.

[A]

Wow. It feels like so much more.

[B]

It went by fast to me. I don't know. All right, well, why don't we take a break?

[A]

Break. Okay. Let you take a break? Yeah, we're gonna take a break.

[B]

Yeah, like we always do, babe.

[D]

I thought you said let me take a break.

[B]

No, I said let. I think we should take a break.

[D]

Yeah, I'd like to take a break, too.

[B]

Okay. Let's all take a break.

[A]

That hotel bell is ringing in your ears. You can't hear it so well. We'll be right back with the neighbor legend. With the neighbor legend returns.

[B]

Hi, this is Karen. I have vintage 1960s Barbie bundles Dol his clothes access. Don't ask me what access means. It means just you have access to all of it. Personal collection, 1962-1968. Selling all of the following as a single lot as is. Here we go. Strap in. Two Barbie, one twist and turn mod blonde and one straight leg. Redhead slash Tissian bubble cut. TNT blonde has broken left leg at hip. Knee does not bend. Bubble cut doll is a in good condition. Two Ken, both in good condition. I refuse to pluralize Ken. Two Barbie carrying cases. One in good condition, one in fair condition. Very good graphics and color. All latches and hinges work. This was back when all the dolls had hinges in them. A few small tears in Vinyl, some missing accessory boxes. A blue Barbie case has a broken handle and a stained interior. Don't ask why. Clothes, many in very good condition with the original accessories and tags and a few may belong to Tammy or Tressy dolls and don' them fighting about it. Some discoloration due to age. Could use gentle cleaning, pressing or mending accessories. Extra stands, hangers, shoes, some singles, purses, gloves, earrings, belts, Brush, comb, golf bag. I said golf bag. Telephones, radio, record player, etc plastic storage case included. Come get them away from me.

[A]

And welcome back to the neighborhood.

[B]

Listen, it was like a record starting back up. That was fun.

[A]

Oh, I wasn't aware that I what it was good. Is that what I did?

[B]

That is what it sounded like, babe, right?

[D]

Yeah, I heard the same thing.

[B]

Okay, well if we can get a.

[A]

Third source cited then I'd be inclined to believe you. We have a guest Joan, as always, what we do every episode is we comb the neighborhap, the social networking application for neighborhoods to find interesting people in our neighborhood to talk to. Maybe somebody has a concern they'd like to amplify. Maybe they have a question, maybe they have a complaint. Whatever it is, we like to bring these people on and get to know them. And if. If you have a post that you think we have missed, why don't you screenshot it and send it to [e-mail] this one comes to us from a listener named Christine M. Malcolm. Christine M. Malcolm thank you Christine for sending it to. Thank you Christine. Christine found this post and sent it to us and this comes to us. It's in the general section. It comes from someone named Diane. Diane writes Good morning. I'm a member of Fernwood park and the seniors club there's there I'm concerned that our swimming pool is constantly that is capitalized for some reason just the sea being closed. We singers have a water robots class and for the last couple of months it's been closed. It recently opened for one week and now it's closed again. No explanation on as why the reason? Is it more work that needs to be done? Is it that we don't have enough lifeguards? I feel we should be notified and told exactly why the pool is constantly closing but it will reopening for the children's summer camp which is good for our singers who need that workout water workout and swimming it's not whereas the park district committee are trying to improve our parks and get our residents to use it more. Okay, and that's the end of the.

[B]

Book that's just the end.

[A]

To tell us more, please welcome Diane. Diane, welcome to the neighborhood.

[C]

Listen, thank you for having me. I'm thrilled. I'm anticipating your first question.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Okay, go ahead.

[C]

Which is, why is a man named Diane?

[B]

Okay.

[C]

And the answer is very simple. My parents were hoping for a girl who was Christian.

[B]

Okay, wait a minute.

[A]

Are your parents Christian?

[C]

They were not.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

They were hoping they were Jewish.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

They wanted a Christian daughter. Did they?

[B]

I mean, you're saying. First of all, I'm kind of sorry that they told you this, because that's gotta be hard as a child. How old were you when they told you that?

[C]

When they took me to get the tattoo of a crucifix on my shoulder.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Oh, my goodness. Could we see it?

[D]

Sure.

[B]

Oh, that looks rough.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

It was the tattoo artist's first time tattooing.

[B]

It looks like it was performed in the back of a pickup truck.

[C]

It was what?

[B]

Oh, this is terrible. Diane.

[C]

And it was driving.

[B]

Right. Figured.

[A]

I kind of. I kind of included that in my mind.

[B]

Although the back of a pickup truck, even. Even when it's not ide deal for a tattoo application.

[A]

And how old were you when this happened?

[C]

I had just turned four.

[B]

Oh, my Lord.

[A]

I don't think that's usual.

[B]

Usually four year olds don't even have a memory of that kind of thing going that far back. But I can see this is very traumatizing.

[C]

Absolutely memorable, don't you think?

[B]

I do. I absolutely do.

[A]

It would explain the dimensions of the tattoo because it is.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

It's very long.

[C]

It seems very long at the time on my body, but now that I stretched out.

[A]

Yes, very long.

[B]

You look like a very tall person.

[C]

I am.

[A]

You look like one. Is that true?

[C]

I. Looks do not deceive when it comes to physical reality.

[B]

I mean, he's sitting down, so I just. I don't know. Okay, so that is. Do you have other siblings and what were they named?

[C]

I have no other siblings, so there's.

[B]

Gonna be no extra names. You and your parents who wanted a. Now, wait a minute.

[C]

You know the phrase I broke the mold?

[B]

I do, yes.

[C]

This was. I had parents who were very pro choice.

[B]

Okay. Okay, great. So wait a minute. But that should mean. That shouldn't mean that you broke the mold.

[A]

It's not. I broke the mold.

[B]

I see. They were pro choice, so maybe you're saying you're the first one that made it through.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

Your parents were pro choice. They were very pro choice. They did want a Christian daughter.

[B]

Listen, this is not Logical that two people would just decide to hope for a Christian. They're not well, that. Those are not well people. They're delusional.

[A]

This.

[C]

Bear in mind it was in the 1930s.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Sorry.

[B]

How old? You know, you have. You look really great for what I'm.

[A]

Assuming is your age.

[B]

So can you tell us how old you are?

[C]

79 and old.

[B]

Good for you. I'm assuming that all the swimming keeps you fit.

[C]

It does.

[B]

I just kind of want to move on to the post because I think we're getting wrapped up in the weeds of the pro choice.

[A]

Right. You mention a. You don't really talk about swimming. You talk about the swimming pool and you talk about that. You singers have a water robots class. There's a lot there.

[C]

Yes. A lot of people thought that was a typo. It is not.

[B]

It's not singing seniors.

[C]

Apparently it was not water aerobics. My handler, Murray tried to keep questioning me about. He loves to sabotage me.

[B]

Could you explain what you mean by handlers?

[C]

Oh, I pay him money to pick things up that I drop.

[B]

That's it. Is that all his job description?

[C]

I drop a lot of things.

[A]

Handler those things to apply a lot more responsibilities.

[C]

Bear in mind, I come from the 1930s.

[B]

Well, we know. We understand. Was handler a different. Did that have a different meaning in the 30s?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Well, what did it. Okay. It just meant picking things up for people.

[C]

Meant. Oh, watch out, you're about to drop something.

[B]

Really? I never knew that. I never knew that. I thought a handler was meant for, like someone who's in charge of like an animal or something.

[C]

I'll handle it for you.

[A]

So the handler is also. It's a. It's a preventative position.

[B]

That is what it sounds like.

[C]

Borrowed, perhaps from the Ringling Brothers circus. I don't know. You know how idioms are.

[A]

Do you know they've joined. They've joined with Barnum and Bailey.

[C]

Hasn't has that been examined for whatever that process is where the government.

[B]

The legality of it. Sure.

[C]

Of companies emerging. Yes. You know, it seems to be above board. Monopoly.

[B]

Everything with a circus. Always. So you did not mean to say seniors. You meant to say singers. Can you explain the singers part and what it has to do with the pool?

[C]

Sure. Well, you know, swimming is boring, so you need to do something to pass the time.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

So we developed a habit of singing to each other. It also helps for those of us with glaucoma to make sure that everyone is close.

[B]

Oh, like a Marco Polo situation. You can keep track of everybody. Okay.

[C]

Marco. Polo Low.

[A]

Oh, that's beautifully.

[C]

That is beautiful.

[A]

I was wondering if it was actual songs, if it was like whale songs. Since you're in the water, you just sort of.

[B]

I didn't understand how singing in the water works. You're not singing underwater. You're just singing, like, above water to make sure you all know where each other is.

[C]

If you're singing underwater, you're in trouble.

[B]

I agree. I agree.

[A]

You need that.

[B]

That you shouldn't do that. Yeah.

[C]

And speaking of whale sounds, my friend Abby, who has a stoma.

[A]

Oh, a stoma, sure.

[C]

She sounds a lot like a whale when she'. Oh, just even talking or exhaling.

[B]

Oh, I bet. Is she your age? Is she a younger friend?

[C]

She is a child of 77.

[B]

Oh, that's fun. I'm gonna start saying that when I get to be that age.

[A]

That'll be fun.

[B]

Child is 77.

[C]

Absolutely.

[A]

Let's get into the robots.

[B]

Yes. Let's talk about the water robots.

[A]

You said this was not a typo.

[C]

Yes, correct.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Well, I don't know if you've ever had a joint lockup, which would dovetail with why I dropped so many things. So I move sometimes quite in staccato.

[B]

Oh, yeah. He almost looked like a robot just now. He was kind of moving his arms in a. In a bent Barbie arm kind of way.

[A]

Like someone doing. Like a B boy doing the robot.

[B]

Yes, absolutely, yes. I mean, now it was good, but I'm assuming that's painful.

[C]

Everything is painful, dear. Everything. I open my eyes in the morning and I. I need a. A Benadryl and an asp.

[A]

From open.

[B]

I hope you're allowed to take more than just that. I mean, those are sort of mild.

[C]

Well, I live in a democratic part of town, so I can. I can do heroin.

[B]

Oh, I forgot.

[A]

There is. There's that one cul de sac. Little Poppy town, they call it.

[B]

Little poppy town. Yeah, we do.

[C]

Spelled P A P I, which I love.

[B]

Yes, yes, that's wonderful. It is very diverse. Riddled with. It's. It's riddled with old school drugs. Right. Because that's from the 1930s. Black Beauty, I assume that's why. Uhhuh. You refer to the pills as dolls?

[C]

Any.

[B]

Are all of these real birds? Yeah, they are. What's a yellow jacket?

[A]

It's some kind of upper, I'm sure.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Oh, not to be confused with Christmas trees.

[B]

Oh, give us some of the other terms of the old timey drugs.

[C]

Oh, sure. There's the.

[D]

The.

[C]

The. Good morning.

[A]

You have to say it like that.

[D]

You don't.

[C]

Otherwise you're going to get the wrong.

[B]

Yes, you get the wrong dose. Yeah, that's right. All right, Steve. Got the good morning.

[A]

It's almost like a tonal language where you.

[C]

The stronger.

[A]

Depending on how you say good morning.

[C]

The stronger you want it, the more you emphasize good morning.

[B]

Really? You're really needing a fix. Yeah. Okay. Well, I'm not sure that that's safe for a gentleman of your age, but I. I guess I could understand that, the living in that area. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Mix the two. You do mix the two.

[C]

I'll tell you what, it smooths out those popping joints.

[B]

Yes. So is it both of your shoulders I'm seeing? Is it both your shoulders that pop out?

[A]

Are we seeing both of your shoulders?

[C]

Yes, it is Both shoulders.

[A]

Tell us about this garment that you're wearing.

[C]

Oh, a lot of people think it's a.

[B]

Yes, but a lot of people think that.

[C]

But it's not. It's just a blanket with a hole in it. It's simple. I should have patented it. When I. I don't consider myself a seamstress or. No, but it just makes getting up easier.

[B]

I understand.

[A]

So you just sleep in it and.

[C]

Then you just stand up and walk right to the pool?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Do you wear, like an old timey 1930s bathing su. You know those Fun. I always love those. They look like a little, like, stripe number. Like a one piece, like a wrestle. Wrestling onesie.

[C]

Why would I embrace the simplicity of my hole in a blanket?

[B]

You're right.

[C]

And then underneath, have an intricate.

[A]

Okay, Joan, you fell into this drag.

[B]

I really did. And I. I am the. I feel the fool.

[C]

We are renewed swimming.

[B]

That might explain why it's been closed a lot.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

But we'll get to that in a minute.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

Have you ever received any complaints about this? Because that's. You know, we only have the one nude beach here in town and it doesn't have any water. Sorry. We have a nude park. That's what it is.

[A]

Did we ever get into the robots at all?

[B]

Sorry, no. Can you go back to the robots?

[A]

Forgive me.

[B]

We've got a lot of.

[A]

Very curious about these.

[B]

No, me too. Me too. Burn. And thank you for bringing us back around. We'll get to the nudity in a minute. Can you walk us through the.

[A]

I think it speaks for itself, but go ahead.

[B]

Can you walk us through the water?

[C]

Robots, we are a support group of people with very stiff shoulders and knees and whatever bends on a body for men and Women. Sometimes it's different.

[A]

That's right.

[C]

But what we do is we gather together when you're all together and you have the same condition and we move. One of the meaner kids in town called us robots. So we're taking it back.

[B]

You're racing it like feminine overdrive. So then let me ask you, do you have an instructor that takes you through this?

[C]

I am the lead robot.

[A]

Oh, congratulations.

[C]

I just became it because our previous one, Meredith, died.

[B]

Oh, no. From old age.

[C]

She drowned.

[A]

Oh, no. Oh, dear. Just locked up in robot style and sunk to the bottom.

[B]

Was she older or younger?

[C]

She was a child of 78.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

She didn't obey. You know, we have a yellow tape. It's a crime scene tape that we use to delineate between the shallow and the deep.

[B]

You don't have the normal lane lines that the pool usually has floating plastic tubes. You don't have those.

[C]

You know, the budget cuts.

[B]

It is true. It has been really bad. The city just really doesn't care about the swimming pool. Okay, go on, Go on. I get it. Use caution tape. So for lack of any. Anything else.

[C]

And she is. She was not a cautious lady by nature.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

So I inherited the crown, as it were. And there is one I. It's. I thought, why not create a crown that has little inflated balls on it so that if the next king or queen wanders into the deep water.

[A]

So it is a title. Right.

[C]

And be rescued.

[A]

So as lead robot, you are referred to as the king.

[C]

Because I have male genitalia. Well, if Meredith.

[B]

I think that's not really the reason.

[C]

Though Meredith was considered the empress.

[A]

Right, Understood. Oh, the empress.

[B]

Wow. Not queen, but empress. Wow. That's a great title.

[A]

What made her an empress rather than just a queen? Yeah.

[C]

She was Russian.

[A]

Okay, okay.

[C]

Of Russian. She was born in Russia in the year 1938. And she preferred her. Her mother tongue and loved the Romanovs.

[B]

Oh, boy. Sure. Yeah. Someone like that would. Someone like that would. Can we go back to the nudity of it all for just a minute?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Is there any correlation between. Like, when you've. How long?

[D]

Long.

[B]

How long were you getting to do the water robot class uninterrupted? Until the building started being closed. Can you answer that question?

[C]

Yes. I was making my way across the pool deck.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

To join my cohort.

[A]

Fellow robots.

[C]

Correct in quotes, please.

[A]

No, of course.

[B]

Okay. No, absolutely.

[A]

Your fellow robots.

[C]

Thank you.

[B]

Careful. You're gonna get on. You're gonna get wrong dose.

[C]

You bite. You might be careful with your inflection okay, go on. So. And I don't know how much you know about what happens to an elderly male body in time.

[A]

Well.

[C]

But I was not aware of myself enough, and my testicles were dragging on the tile.

[B]

Oh, a real verbal response for both gentlemen here. Both of you went dragging on the floor, Correct?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that's not an exaggeration?

[C]

No, this is literal. It's called snailing.

[A]

I've heard of this.

[B]

You have?

[A]

Well, we. We have. There's. There's older gentlemen who come into the pharmacy from time to time, and, you know, they don't like to talk about it.

[C]

But we.

[A]

We do have.

[D]

There's prescribed salt.

[A]

There's. I don't. I don't prescribe anything.

[C]

I wouldn't. I wouldn't.

[A]

I can't believe.

[B]

Doug.

[A]

I know you wanted to make your little joke. Doug.

[B]

I know, but I think that's hilarious.

[A]

I do not prescribe things. I fill prescriptions.

[C]

Where is that voice coming from?

[B]

Where is that voice coming. I'm so sorry, babe, why don't you introduce your. This is my husband. I'm so sorry, Diane. Okay, don't do that.

[A]

Is that Adam and Eve on a raft? Wreck them.

[C]

It's not my time. I'm not ready.

[B]

No, no, no. Diane, Diane, don't worry.

[C]

Follow the light.

[A]

Did you think the bell meant that you were.

[C]

You were dying?

[B]

Yeah, I was up. It's not. It's my husband. He's in a different room.

[C]

I thought the angel of death had spoken and rung my bell. Nope.

[A]

I hope that's not what happens.

[B]

That's. I sure hope it's not a deli.

[C]

Belt that you hear with a turn style ticket. That's a good idea with my name on it, right?

[B]

No, that's not. That's not it at all. Diane, babe, can you introduce yourself? This is my husband and Doug. He's recording our podcast. He's just in a different room. Okay, go ahead and say hi, babe.

[D]

Hello, Doug and Corn Pedestrian.

[A]

That's his Duggan Corn.

[B]

Where did you put that? Where'd you put an N in there? I thought it was just Doug Corn Pedestrian.

[C]

Oh, I thought it was Doug and Corn.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Sorry, Diane, give us one second.

[A]

Yeah, we're just learning your full name is Doug.

[D]

He's from the 30s. He probably doesn't. Hasn't.

[B]

Oh, you were talking, trying to do something cute. Because he's from. So you thought that adding an en. You thought adding an en to your name would sound more 30s?

[C]

Like I thought you were saying Doug End Corn. And I was thinking, oh, it's like my old friend, the first homosexual of the town, Doug. And he would. Someone who liked him would say, I'll have some Doug and corn.

[B]

I don't want to ask what the corn part is about.

[C]

Oh, it was at the fair.

[B]

Well, that's on me. Of course. What an innocent answer.

[D]

Would you like a newspaper?

[B]

Would you?

[C]

How big is the font?

[B]

Oh, we have lot. You're in luck. We have luck for you. And we have news for you. We've got the Plain Dealer news for you. We have lucky news for you. We have the Plain Dealer that. You know what, Doug, maybe you could run down a copy for Diane because.

[D]

Do you like.

[B]

Well, you're getting them in advance.

[A]

How long have you behind?

[D]

Well, you thought.

[A]

You thought he had future.

[C]

I'd love to get tomorrow's edition so I could go to the horse track.

[A]

Do you remember that TV show, Star Chandler?

[B]

That's right. Early edition. Yes. He could see future headlines.

[A]

And then what he do about it? Oh, he tried to stop them.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Were there any just, like, good.

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

I can't wait for this to happen.

[B]

Do you remember this show, Diane?

[C]

What?

[B]

We lost him. We lost him.

[C]

If it wasn't Manix, forget about it.

[A]

Manix. Of course.

[B]

What is Mannix?

[C]

It's a good murder mystery from the 1970s.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

What was the guy's name? Mike Connors. What was the actor's name?

[C]

Mike Connors was the name of the character. Oh, I believe.

[A]

Was it Mannix?

[C]

Mike Connors was Maddox's altar.

[B]

Okay. Like the Hulk and Bruce Banner.

[C]

Bruce Banner and the Hulk.

[B]

Now, can I ask you maybe a couple, like, maybe a more personal question?

[D]

Sure.

[C]

My life's an open book.

[B]

Have you.

[C]

Hopefully with big thought.

[B]

Yeah. Well, we have a paper coming to you with a really big one. Any date will do, babe. Just grab a date.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

By the way, it was Mike Connors. That was the actress.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right, let's play Joe Mannix.

[C]

Have I gone deaf?

[B]

No.

[C]

I saw your mouth moving, but I.

[B]

Did not hear it. That was rude.

[A]

I think I. I have some chewing tobacco and so does Joan.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

I didn't know that you actually chew chewing tobacco. I thought you just.

[B]

You just shove it in the side of your. Some people, some real sickles like to chew on it, like us.

[A]

Well, you also move it around your mouth. You know, you go from one side to the other.

[B]

We're starting to feel like people have never done it.

[A]

Between your cheek. Pinch between your cheek and Gum.

[B]

So, can I ask you. Do you. You have family in town? Have you ever had a romantic partner in your life? Those are two questions I have.

[A]

Oh, we're going very general.

[B]

Well, no, I mean family or a partner. I don't think it's too crazy, right? I want to know what.

[A]

I thought you said it was crazy.

[B]

Well, I just. I. That the.

[A]

Are you all alone? Are you a lonely old man?

[B]

That is the way to phrase it. Burnt. Okay. You understand what we're asking, Diane?

[C]

Of course. I. I do understand English.

[B]

I know.

[C]

I was just waiting for the question.

[B]

Yeah, that's fair. That's fair.

[C]

I wanted to honor the questioner, as I had to honor the police who came to my house after the death of my wife. Oh, Zira.

[A]

Are you aware Zira has passed on? She did, and under mysterious circumstances.

[C]

Well, aren't they all?

[B]

Oh, no, I wouldn't say so. There's a lot of peaceful deaths that happen at home with people surrounding them, the family and. So what happened? Can you take us? Do you mind talking about what happened to Sarah?

[C]

Well, first of all, mysterious circumstances was the question I was asked by the police, and my joke did not go over well with them. Which was it? The only mystery to me was why I. Why I didn't kill her.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. That's a.

[C]

That's.

[A]

That's a bold joke to make to the police who are investigating.

[C]

Sure is telling me.

[B]

Can I ask. Let's back up a bit. How long were you married?

[C]

40 years.

[B]

Wow. And did you have children?

[C]

Six.

[B]

No, I wouldn't have guessed that. I just don't know what I was think. Six children.

[C]

Well, including Diane Jr.

[B]

Were you hoping as well for. How did that come about?

[C]

I was just hoping to leave a legacy.

[B]

Oh, I understand that. Can you give us the names of the other children? The other five?

[C]

Sure. There's my daughter, David.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

My son, Debbie.

[A]

All right.

[C]

My twins, Doris and Delilah.

[B]

Oh, that's lovely.

[C]

One of. One of whom is a professional football player.

[A]

Two more.

[B]

Amazing. And just one, because, you know, we got the name of Diane Jr. Just one more.

[C]

And Darby. Who?

[B]

Darby.

[A]

Darby.

[C]

Is. What's the word you use when you're not male or female? You're binary.

[B]

Okay. That's right.

[C]

Non binary. That's it.

[A]

See?

[B]

Good for you, Diane. Good for you.

[C]

Sure.

[B]

So are they all here in town? Are they all scattered to the wind? Do you see them?

[C]

I don't know where any of them are.

[A]

Oh, no.

[C]

We have a family policy. You turn 18 good luck.

[B]

Oh, dear.

[C]

Have you ever heard of the bird that pushes its baby out of the nest?

[B]

Yes.

[C]

I didn't physically. It was emotional for their own good.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

And like I said, one of them is a professional football player.

[B]

Which one?

[C]

Debbie.

[B]

Debbie is fantastic. And for what team?

[C]

The Washington Redskins.

[B]

No, it's not Redskins anymore. It's not Redskins. It's the Washington Commanders. Diane, I know that you were born in the 30s, but it is definitely now the Washington Commanders. Okay. And you should know that because Debbie's playing. Yes.

[C]

Oh, well, Debbie's. Debbie's having a hard time of it.

[B]

Oh, really?

[D]

How come?

[B]

Well, what position does she play?

[C]

She plays stats. And it's not a she, it's a he.

[B]

Yeah, I'm sorry. A he. Yes.

[C]

That's all right.

[B]

You play stats. Oh, you mean. What does that mean?

[C]

They take care of the numbers, you know, hey, who did what professionally?

[A]

So that's not a professional football player.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

Well, there are on the, you know, payroll.

[A]

Oh.

[B]

Oh, really?

[A]

Okay. All right. I mean, so are the janitors, but I don't think they would call themselves football players.

[C]

What team did the janitors play? What? What city are they from? We got command. Everybody's teams now are just occupations, commanders, janitors. What happened?

[B]

I don't know. I can't answer that question. I'm not sure. It's a routine, babe. I think it's just Diane talking and asking some questions about life. Now, did you enjoy being a father?

[C]

Well, I didn't have a choice, did I?

[B]

Well, I mean, I think that you did.

[C]

I enjoyed getting laid, you know?

[A]

Sure. So now.

[B]

All right, so then do we start?

[A]

Your wife, Zero.

[B]

Yeah. Did you have a good relationship for 40 years?

[C]

Well, you know, as long as I let her talk. And. And I did. And. And she let me listen, and we had an agreement in that regard.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

That she would talk and you would listen.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

And then did she also dictate the child having policy?

[C]

The child having policy?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Having children. It was up to her.

[C]

Well, isn't it always? I mean.

[B]

Diane. Well, I have a separate question for you, is now that I know that you had six children, that's a lot of mouths to feed. What did you do for a living?

[C]

I was a state senator.

[B]

You know, we've had a few surprise politicians on this podcast. We never put it together with someone who's.

[A]

Whose parent was a state senator?

[C]

Not long ago, was it one of my children?

[B]

It was not. It was not now. Sorry, could you give us your last name? Huh? Your last Name? Diane.

[A]

I say give us your last name, if you would.

[B]

I say give us your last name. Diane Resnick. Resnick.

[A]

Diane Resnick. Okay.

[B]

You know what? I guess I just never. Maybe I've heard of a Senator Resnick. Just never knew the first name.

[A]

Are you still in office?

[C]

I had to. I was. I was removed by court order upon the mysterious death of my.

[B]

Oh, no. It all comes back to this.

[A]

This is. I guess it's an unsavory topic, but how did your wife die, according to.

[B]

I mean. We have to ask.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Exhaustion.

[B]

This is not surprising, but I'm surprised. Usually. Well, the celebrity. I know that will take some time off for exhaustion, but no one's always.

[A]

Died from it yet.

[B]

No. And. And, you know, I don't know how it's officially medically determined, but, I mean, she was.

[C]

She. The exhaustion didn't kill her, but she was very tired and she wandered into the street and she was hit by a bicycle, which is why we. When I hear a bell. Oh, sure. I think your time has come, Doug.

[A]

Why would you. Why would you.

[D]

My question is, why would I not?

[C]

I need to get my affairs in order.

[A]

Can I. Diane, you're fine. And I do apologize for that happening on behalf of the show.

[B]

That was inappropriate.

[A]

That was inappropriate. Thank you.

[B]

I'm really sorry.

[A]

Doug, you're on thin ice. You're on thin ice, Doug.

[D]

Apologies.

[C]

Speaking of thin ice, I don't know if you remember that cold snap we had last winter, but the pool. Pool froze over with a very thin layer of ice.

[A]

Yes. Even though it's an indoor pool.

[B]

I know, but again, they just don't care about the pool at all.

[A]

Really.

[B]

Don't worry about it.

[A]

They won't even spring for those plastic line devices.

[B]

Sure won't. But here, here, here. I do. I do want to get back to the pool of it all, because. Aren't you thinking.

[A]

Yeah. The mysterious circumstances of his wife.

[B]

Anything. Anything to get away from that.

[C]

That's the reason why I wrote in. I don't know know why we have all these intrusive questions.

[A]

Well, we.

[B]

Well, we like to bring on a guest and we do sometimes like to get to know our neighbors and park asking questions.

[A]

We don't mean to be intrusive.

[B]

We don't.

[C]

I don't know why you need to get to know me so you know so little about me. I've been in town for 79 and holding years.

[B]

You didn't realize you were one of our senators? I feel pretty embarrassed about that. I guess I Just want to. And the reason I'm bringing it back to the post is because this is how we initially get started. And don't you think possibly, Diane, that when you all started that when you all started swimming around naked, that that is the reason why maybe people complained and they started closing the pool?

[A]

Does that sound reasonable?

[C]

I don't know. We're all born naked, and I. And I assume you know what's happening.

[A]

Even the Terminator.

[B]

What? It's not a movie.

[C]

Terminator.

[A]

Well, the Terminator was a movie. Yes.

[B]

We'll be back.

[A]

A robot was sent back in time to kill someone.

[B]

Does any of this ring a bell? Don't, Doug, don't.

[D]

That's Terminator 2. That'll be back.

[C]

That accent.

[A]

Terminator 2 is I'll be back. No, it's Terminator 1.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

It's Terminator 1.

[D]

He definitely says it in Terminator 2.

[A]

Well, sure he did, because everybody loved.

[B]

It so much the first time. Diane, is any of this. Do you remember? Does this make sense? I don't want to say.

[A]

Liquid metal. Does that bring any memories?

[C]

Please don't do that accent. I'm from the 30s and it's concerning.

[A]

Understood. Everything old is new again. Let me. Let me. Let me ask you, Diane, when the. When the pool was shut down, when were you first discovered nude, all of you and your fellow robots?

[B]

Yeah. I mean, someone had to have complained initially. Someone had to have said something.

[A]

They had to have.

[B]

They had to have.

[C]

Of course, the gatekeeper there was very concerned because some of us. I was in my tasteful poncho, but some of the more bold members of the Elderly Robots Club who sing.

[B]

Right.

[C]

They decided to take ownership of their situation. And they arrived naked.

[A]

They arrived naked.

[B]

Right. That is bold.

[A]

Like the Satanist and hereditary.

[C]

What?

[B]

We're not a movie podcast.

[A]

They show up to the house, they're already nude.

[B]

I think the movies are confusing, Diane.

[A]

Really?

[B]

I do.

[D]

Paymon.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Do you like King Payment? That's right. Do you like movies?

[C]

I love them, but not home movies. Oh, okay. How come it's so indiscreet?

[B]

Really, you think it was an invasion of the beauty of the home?

[C]

Who needs to see Debbie blowing out a birthday candles in 1975?

[B]

I think that's a sweet memory. What's wrong with watching a little one blowing out their birthday candles?

[C]

Oh, what's wrong with you?

[B]

What's wrong with you?

[C]

Why not? Why not take a photo of yourself taking a shit?

[B]

How are those? The same thing, Diane, how are those?

[C]

I'll Tell you why they're the same thing.

[B]

I think these comments are having anything to do with the 1930s. I think you're a pistol.

[C]

You have a birthday once a year and I take one shit a year. Same frequency, same level of importance.

[A]

Okay, well, I think that's unique to you. Perhaps.

[B]

I don't even know what to say to that.

[C]

I need to talk to you. I need a good dopamine.

[B]

That's pretty unhealthy, Diane. If you only have one movement a year, that is very, very dangerous.

[A]

It's really a miracle you're still alive.

[B]

It really is. Is.

[C]

It's another side effect of having a robotic. Robotic joint condition that I have.

[B]

So you have a robotic colon as well. It's all twisted and moving weird.

[C]

That's right.

[A]

Unless is the one bowel movement you're having. Is it. Is it happening over the course of a year, just very slowly?

[C]

It's one continuous 365 a day.

[B]

In a pool then, Diane.

[C]

Well, that means. That brings me of the poo.

[D]

That means. That means you do go every day.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

In a sense, you're in the process.

[B]

We've never really gotten into this kind of area before.

[C]

Well, and you know, it's funny you should bring that up. That you do it every day is. It's like dusk. You can't tell if it's day or.

[B]

Night coming or going.

[D]

That's true about dusk.

[A]

I mean, which one is it? You can though, because based on the time of day, it is.

[C]

It's neither day normal a date.

[B]

We're not talking about the sun, clearly so. And I would like us to not talk about it.

[C]

Talking about the moon.

[B]

Oh, Diane, you are a real rascal. I will tell you what that was.

[C]

From my days in vaudeville.

[B]

Were you in vaudeville?

[D]

Now you tell us.

[B]

This seems like a really. It's almost eclipsing the fact that you possibly murdered your wife.

[A]

You were born in the 30s. When did you get into vaudeville?

[C]

The age of two. Right after my crucifix tattoo.

[A]

Right after the tattoo. You got it on the tail end of vaudeville as a four year old.

[B]

Look at your tattoo. And said, we gotta get that kid on stage.

[C]

That's how we paid for the tattoo.

[B]

Oh, well, can I ask what your act was?

[C]

Oh, boy. Well, I. I showed them my shoulder. I did a singing.

[A]

Oh, I did singing. Could we hear a little bit of the singing that you did?

[D]

That was great.

[C]

The singing that I like to do you is when you just. It's like you're speaking.

[B]

Oh, Okay, I don't.

[C]

I don't prefer songs.

[B]

You guys are the singers in the pool. You're the elderly singers.

[C]

But I say I'm in the deep end.

[B]

Oh, that's right. It's just more like whale sounds.

[C]

I'm sorry for my snail trail.

[A]

I mean, if you think about it, singing is just sustained talking. Yes.

[B]

Bird can only sing one note, so that's. You'd actually fit pretty good in with. Yeah, you've gotten. You've gotten two tones now. That's pretty good. Sorry. I really don't want to interrupt your singing. I was enjoying these songs. What was the act you sang? You said you did a singing. What was the singing you did for the act?

[C]

Oh, there was a. An emcee who would say, now it does the singing.

[B]

It.

[A]

The reason like this, or else he.

[C]

Gets the hose Again, don't know that reference. But the reason why I was referred to as it was bear in mind it was the 30s.

[B]

We have done nothing but bear that in mind. I've been bearing in mind this entire.

[C]

Time a boy named Diane confused the.

[B]

More conventional I'm sorry for this kind. And then what did you sing?

[C]

I sang what was on my mind. At 4 years old. It was things like, I'm hungry. Where are my parents?

[A]

No.

[C]

How much will I be paid for this indignity?

[B]

And people like that. This was, mind you. Were they laughing at this?

[C]

I was labeled the funniest tattooed child in Dignity Falls.

[A]

I wouldn't be surprised if it's a.

[B]

Local Dignity Falls Vaudeville. I don't know why I had it outside of our.

[A]

I thought it was national. Yeah, I thought it was traveling. Stickers on the trunk, the whole thing. And I hope that's a record you still hold to this day.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Is it the funniest tattoo child?

[C]

I. Yes, because it was outlawed as soon as the authorities.

[A]

They had to see it first in order to outlaw it. Oh, we missed this.

[C]

They. They waited a whole weekend of performances, and I. I had seven shows a day.

[A]

Oh, wow.

[B]

Seven.

[A]

That was vaudeville?

[B]

That. That's vaudeville.

[C]

That's the vaudeville circuit in the 30s.

[A]

Turn it over. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, wow. What an interesting life you've had. Dan, I am still hung up on the thing about Zira. Your wife and I feel like we're not getting the full story on her.

[A]

She got hit by a bike.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because she just wandered out into the street. What was she doing in the street?

[C]

She was exhausted.

[B]

Okay, I know you say that, but was she sleepwalking?

[C]

No, she just wanted to get a breath of fresh air.

[B]

Well, where were you when this happened?

[C]

I was watching her with binoculars from my tree house.

[A]

From your treehouse?

[B]

Why?

[C]

We were in a trial separation.

[A]

Oh, I see.

[B]

Is that why the treehouse existed, or was this something you built for your kids years ago?

[C]

I do. Don't do manual labor.

[B]

Oh, okay. So, no.

[A]

How often do the trial separations end in, let's stay married? What are the stats on that?

[B]

I don't know, Diane.

[C]

I always would have had she not wandered into that choice.

[B]

Why are you watching her with baby binoculars? And why wouldn't you have yelled out to her, diane, look out? I mean, sorry, Zero, look out?

[A]

Great question.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

I. I sung it.

[A]

Oh, I see.

[C]

But I don't project well. So I said, darling, I had my binoculars. I said, darling, you're in trouble. And did not. Did not make it. She.

[B]

That is very sad.

[C]

We live by a freeway. Oh, so you're competing with a lot of noise?

[B]

Oh, well, that's right. Because of the area and because of. It's sort of on. It's a sort of rather salacious area. Not. Not really a rather. So they. They drove a highway. Right. Right past it. Right. Just a way to.

[A]

I think, to drown out the noise of the fights.

[B]

Yes. And also just to sort of separate it from the rest of the town, make it a little harder to get to.

[D]

Yeah. It's a very short freeway.

[A]

You got to really want. It's a very short freeway.

[B]

It's one block.

[C]

Yeah, but it's very convenient.

[B]

You can go 80 miles per hour.

[C]

Just for that one block. Our block. And it's also a bike. It's got a bike lane.

[A]

They call it the Kleiner Autobahn. And. Okay, so wait, when the.

[B]

Can I. Oh, we were gonna ask one question. No, go ahead.

[A]

Do you think we were.

[B]

I think we might. Okay, I want to know if he's in the treehouse and the police come and they see this woman has been hit by a bike, what is it that made them so suspicious of you?

[A]

This is related to my question.

[B]

Okay, great.

[A]

I was gonna say, did the police investigate? Were you charged? Was there a trial?

[B]

Yeah. Why were they suspicious? Was it because of the way that you answered, like you said earlier, like, oh, well, I can't remember. It was sort of a sarcastic thing about your wife dying.

[A]

Were they calling up to you in the treehouse, or were you down on the ground talking with them?

[C]

I was in the treehouse.

[B]

So you hadn't run over to her the second she was hit you didn't get out of the treehouse and run over to her.

[C]

What wings should I sprout to fly out of the water?

[B]

What wing were you.

[A]

You were just. She was just so insensitive. I mean, I'm insens up in a treehouse with binoculars. You can't fly.

[B]

How is possibly that you climb back down the treehouse? How do you get up the treehouse?

[C]

I used a rope ladder.

[B]

Okay. All right.

[A]

Well, now I'm on your side.

[B]

You think you climb down the rope ladder?

[C]

Well, this is. Bear in mind this is the only palm tree in dignity falls, so.

[B]

I have never heard of a treehouse in a palm tree.

[A]

That's hard.

[B]

Where do you.

[A]

It's got to be hard to do.

[C]

It's like a crow's nest on the mast of a clipper ship.

[B]

Oh, boy, that would make me so sick. It's just swaying back and forth. It is the only palm tree indignity falls, so. Okay, that's a long rope ladder. Still, I would have liked. I bet you the police were upset that you did not make an effort to get down and climb over and climb down and run over to your wife.

[A]

Were they upset? Were they disappointed?

[C]

At first they gave me the courtesy of being a veteran and they.

[B]

A veteran of what?

[D]

Courtesy.

[C]

I. That's what the. The treehouse originally was for. I would climb up there and look out to make sure the tow wasn't overrun by the Russians because it was 1975 and this was.

[A]

Was this a self appointed position?

[C]

I did volunteer to. To an empty room.

[A]

Oh, to an empty room. Okay.

[C]

I wrote it down.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

And then they wanted me to come down. I told them I would take my sweet time.

[B]

This is now jumping forward to the day your wife was hit.

[C]

I'm trying to answer this question.

[A]

You.

[C]

Are you sure neither of you have any police experiences? Because this is far more grueling an interview that I had with the police.

[A]

You have an interesting way of interacting with the police. You'll say, I'll take my sweet time getting down there. It's a miracle I didn't kill her. Whatever it was you said, I mean, you understand you're drawing suspicion onto yourself.

[B]

Do you not hear that? Does that not. It doesn't. Now that you're hearing it said by someone else, does that not strike you as some. Some sort of like suspicious thing, sort of combative to police?

[C]

Well, first of all, when you're hearing things yourself, no matter who you are, that's generally what we would call a realization from an outside Point of view, and I think we all get those from time to time. It's called a mirror.

[B]

Well, are you getting that right now?

[C]

I'm. I'm understanding your position, believe me. I served four hours in the clink, so I know what it's four hours like to think.

[A]

You served four hours in there. So they.

[B]

Immediately after they took you to jail.

[C]

The clink is jail.

[B]

Yeah, I know. Yeah, Diane, I know.

[C]

I'm from the 1930s.

[B]

From the 1930s. I get it.

[A]

1930S or. No. Can I. Can I see this?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You're being obstreperous. Oh, I've never said that to a guest before.

[B]

Wow. That seemed to resonate.

[C]

That's fighting words.

[A]

So you are arrested on suspicion of murder.

[C]

I was questioned about the death of my wife.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

And I made a joke, and they put me in jail.

[A]

Right. So that's. You're arrested.

[B]

Suspicion of murder, but only four hours. So who bailed you out? Your handler?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

We haven't really talked much about the handler.

[B]

I know.

[A]

What was the handler's name?

[B]

And again, I can't remember.

[C]

Murray.

[B]

Murray, I think, believe that is correct.

[A]

Yes. And so Murray bailed you out of the clink.

[C]

Yes. Now, bear in mind, this was 1975, so he was.

[B]

Oh, your wife died in 1975. I think I missed that part. I thought that she had more. More recently. Because he said they were married for 40 years.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I think all of this happened a long time ago.

[C]

These are all, by the way, I shouldn't be held responsible.

[B]

Just second.

[A]

Great. Chime in, Doug.

[D]

Well, I see some newspaper articles here.

[B]

Oh, you do?

[A]

Why would you have newspapers from that long ago?

[C]

They can. They can be very valuable.

[D]

Nikki said the policy is you hang on to these until they're delivered. And so a lot of these are backed up from decades.

[B]

That makes no sense. A lot of people haven't gotten their papers delivered.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Now, wait a minute. If she died in 19, who's still.

[A]

Giving him papers to deliver? If there's papers that are decades old that haven't been delivered.

[B]

Exactly. Hang on, Bert. Let's stick on this, okay? Because if she died in 1975 and. And Diane was.

[C]

I mean, Doug, you're being emotionally.

[A]

Between the two of you. I.

[B]

Let's just calm down. Let's just calm down.

[C]

She died emotionally in 1975.

[A]

Okay, thank you for clearing it up.

[B]

She died emotionally in 1975, which must have been probably around the time you had your third, fourth kid or something. I mean, at that point, she I'm assuming she was your age. She's probably in her 40s. Or at that point, the twins, really? All women in their 40s die emotionally.

[C]

But I hope I'm not accused of murdering all of them.

[A]

I hope. I hope not, too.

[B]

I mean, just the one is terrible enough.

[A]

Tell us about your. The time. Your time in the jail. In the clink.

[B]

In the clink.

[C]

Well, for starters, my cellmate, Marcel did not enjoy. I tried to. Seeing us through the trouble.

[B]

The trouble. Okay, what did that sound like?

[C]

These bars are not just physical. They are also real.

[A]

Wait, they're not just physical. They're also real.

[B]

I mean, there's. There's. There's no lie there.

[D]

There's of a lot. Why the bars like a rapper?

[B]

I'm not sure that's what Diane meant.

[C]

This is not the kind of bar I want to belly up to.

[B]

Now, that's fun. That's fun.

[A]

It is fun.

[B]

But he didn't enjoy it.

[C]

He was an alcoholic, and he thought I was making fun of him. And he. I can see, had to have his hands pried from my neck.

[A]

Oh, dear. Wow.

[B]

It's a good thing that Murray busted you out of there. So now are you awaiting trial?

[A]

I just ask. Did Marcel, the cellmate, have shoes on?

[C]

No, they're not allowed in jail.

[A]

That's what I figured. That's what I figured.

[B]

Okay. Are you awaiting trial? My question stands.

[C]

I mean, I feel like, is that we're all awaiting judgment.

[A]

No, no, this is actually Diane.

[B]

I'm sure that Zera has some family.

[A]

Can't blame this on the 30s.

[B]

That they have a wrongful death suit against you. There's just no way. Because I'm sure they caught wind of this, I'm assuming. Please say, are you familiar with.

[C]

Are you familiar with the concept in dignity falls law? It's called one freebie.

[B]

Well, you know what? We do have a strange judicial system here. As we've explained, in the courthouse, there's the Liberty Statue, and. And it's basically just she's kind of holding her arms out evenly, like, you.

[C]

Know, like one freebie is you can do anything. Anything once.

[B]

You know, I forgot about that weird loophole.

[C]

Don't do it again.

[B]

You can do anything once. Just don't do it again. Gold letters in the lobby.

[A]

Gold letters three feet high.

[C]

That's what happened to Marcel. That's why he's still.

[B]

Because he did it again.

[C]

Yep.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I don't want to know what.

[C]

It is called the. The Britney Spears cloth. Oops. I did it again.

[B]

All right, now I understand.

[C]

I don't understand it either.

[B]

Either.

[C]

I don't even know who Britney Spears is. I just read that in court.

[B]

You know, Mae west is. Of course, she's kind of like that.

[C]

A beautiful. A beautiful woman.

[B]

I was just trying to think of a reference.

[A]

Great description.

[B]

Well, anyway.

[A]

No, I think that's perfect.

[B]

Okay. Diane. You know, I actually could talk to you all day because you're quite fascinating, but probably a criminal and def. I mean, definitely a criminal.

[C]

I. But it sounds like I stole your heart.

[A]

Diane, do you feel that we got the word out about the pool?

[C]

I'm just happy that we're talking about it. I don't want.

[B]

People are listening, so maybe I don't want to. You.

[C]

I just don't want to have to kill again.

[B]

I really don't. That sounds like an admission. And we should probably get going at this point. I don't think you should say anything else. Diane.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

What we always say to our guests is we wish you well, but also, I also wish you justice.

[A]

I hope.

[B]

I hope justice.

[A]

Justice for you.

[B]

I want justice for Zero, to be honest. Yeah. Okay.

[C]

I wish you all the best and goodbye to you. Zero's in the ground. And I'll see her soon.

[B]

Oh, I don't know what that means. Well, that's a great send off into a break. And thank you for being here, Diane. And. And I. I think it's time for you to go.

[C]

Yes, Murray.

[A]

All right, we'll wait on Murray. We'll return with more of the Neighbor Listen when the Neighbor Listen returns. Hi, it's Sasha. Give your rotary phone a second life free. Hey, neighbors and friends. Do you have an old rotary dial phone tucked away in a box or gathering dust on a shelf? I'm on the lookout for one or more of these beautiful vintage phones. Any shape, size or color is welcome. If you're not sure whether it still works, no worries. I'll gladly pick it up and test it out myself. There's something truly special about the click, click, click of a rotary dial. A little reminder of a slower, more intentional time. By giving your phone a new home, you're helping preserve a piece of design in tech history that deserves to be seen, heard, and appreciated again. Whether it's a bold red classic, a beige beauty, or a well loved relic with a few scuffs and stories, I'd love to rehome it. If you've got one you're ready to part with or know someone who does, please send me a message. Let's keep a bit of that vintage charm alive. And just a quick note, I know these can be found online, but this isn't about ordering one from ebay. It's about connecting locally and giving a forgotten piece of history a second second chance right here in our community. So if you've got one tucked away, I'd love to hear from you. And just so you know, when I come to pick it up, I will talk to you for 90 minutes. And welcome back to the neighborhood. Listen. Well.

[B]

Oh, burnt. You sound like that this last guest really took it out of you.

[A]

Well, it's just. It made me a little sad because. Yeah, you know, it's the way we treat our elderly. And also, he's a murderer.

[B]

So wait, you think we didn't treat him well? But also, he's a. He's a criminal.

[A]

Two things can be true at the same time. I mean, it's. It's really a shame the way we treat our elderly here, but also, he is a murderer.

[B]

Do you think we treated him badly?

[A]

No.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I don't think so.

[B]

It just made you think in more.

[A]

If anything, I think we were too easy on him.

[B]

I do, too, but I shouldn't have given him such a platform.

[A]

I think about these poor nude singing seniors who are just trying to move the robotic joints in the pool and. And they're not allowed to, and that's a real shame.

[B]

Well, I mean, they were doing it nude, to be fair.

[A]

Who cares? Well, you know what I mean.

[B]

Who cares that they're.

[A]

Who cares?

[B]

What do you. Just don't get upset about perverts.

[A]

Let the seniors be nude.

[B]

Some people, you know, not everybody might want to see that. You know, there might be.

[A]

No one wants to see it.

[B]

Okay, well, then why are you acting like it shouldn't be such a big deal?

[A]

I'll tell you why, Joan.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Because they're so old, it's like they're not even human bodies anymore.

[B]

Oh, now that is terrible. What a terrible thing to say.

[A]

They might as well be things from. From Labyrinth or the Dark Crystal Labyrinth.

[B]

Or that you're comparing elderly people to Skekis.

[A]

Sure I am.

[B]

This is not.

[A]

It's a shame we do that.

[B]

This is not.

[A]

Okay, It's a shame that I did that.

[B]

Just say, shame on you. Shame on me. Shame on you. Do better. How's it going there, babe? In the newspaper room?

[D]

It's going pretty good. I. I could have told you.

[B]

Like, what are you still doing in there? What is there even to do in there?

[A]

How are we classifying pretty good.

[B]

You're in a room full of outdated very old newspaper. We're finding out. Which probably doesn't help.

[A]

From all.

[D]

Honestly, all times. Yeah, from all times. Yeah. There's some interesting.

[B]

Every timeline you're saying.

[D]

But I could have told you guys. I mean, there's a headline right here. It says, diane Resnick, disgraced state senator and former former tattooed vaudeville child star.

[B]

Such a long headline.

[D]

Arrested for murder but invokes freebie law.

[A]

Why would there be newspapers that are older than Nick Sweeness was?

[D]

Because he inherited the backlog that he was given.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Nobody has looked into this in all these decades.

[B]

It's very similar. Strange. I think it's very strange preservation.

[A]

No wonder. No wonder print is dead.

[D]

Can I clear the air a little bit?

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Wow. It's a new segment.

[B]

I don't think.

[A]

Never done this before.

[B]

Segment clearing the air.

[A]

Doug clears the air.

[B]

Doug.

[A]

I feel like, oh, boy, this has never happened before.

[D]

I don't think I brought the heat with anything I said.

[A]

Strong disagree.

[B]

I need. I need more context. Honestly.

[A]

I don't. Strong disagree.

[D]

I'm feeling like. Are you guys mad at me?

[B]

What? Babe, no, I'm not mad at you.

[A]

I. I was a little upset that you seemed to not know what my job entails after all this time.

[B]

When did that happen?

[A]

Doug suggested that I prescribe something.

[B]

Oh, yes. That moment did happen. I was really involved with Diane at that moment.

[A]

Did happen.

[B]

It did happen happen. Let the record show.

[D]

So that's a huge violation. I understand. I read the plaque every time I walk into the. The Fallsma.

[A]

Oh, that's nice to hear.

[D]

And I say my vows and I'm sorry.

[A]

All right.

[B]

Should we talk about the plaque a little bit?

[A]

Have we not talked about the plaque before?

[B]

I don't think we have.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

There's a huge plaque at the entrance of the pharmacy.

[A]

It's not huge. It's. It's prominent.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's prominent.

[B]

Can't miss it.

[A]

You can miss it. I'll say that. It's a beautiful blast pra. Blast pra. Which is a form of metallurgy. Blast pra.

[B]

We have a blast pra mine here in Dignity Falls.

[A]

And it is the only one of its kind.

[B]

It's the only one of its kind. It really honestly is what kept the city go with the town going for.

[A]

Which is weird because it's only valuable here. It is.

[B]

No one wants it. No one wants it it.

[A]

But it's a beautiful blast pra plaque that the if you. If you. If you do come to the false mercy I wish the people. I. I just want to tell people they should take the time to read it because it's really lovely.

[B]

Yeah, it's.

[A]

And here's what it says. It says, as ye enter these hallowed halls, know that you are part of a great tradition of people with complaints seeking a salve for their wounds, both physical and psychic. Know ye when he should approach the counter, that whomsoever ye shall deal with in these white coats shall hear ye with an open mind and an open heart and an open bottle to put pills in. That's all they do, put the pills in. They don't decide which pills. You've taken care of that already with your doctor. The language, kind of.

[B]

This is why it's such a huge, huge praq. It's such a gigantic brass pra Plaque.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Because that's a long message and if you read it all, there is a gong that you get to hit.

[A]

Right. But the thing is. And one of the things that it's so big is because then they act it out in pictogram. So you have the. The text, and then underneath the text is these little drawings. Beautiful. That. That sort of display everything that you've just seen. Not display. What. What is the term? Depict.

[B]

There it is.

[A]

I said pictogram earlier.

[D]

You did.

[B]

You were more than halfway.

[A]

Both have picked, so it's almost hieroglyphics. Not quite. Although some of the pharmacists do have dog heads. And that's just for fun.

[B]

Just for fun. Sometimes things are just for fun.

[A]

Sometimes.

[B]

You know, you can't apply meaning to everything. Sometimes the dog edits. If the dog. Are you okay?

[A]

Are you okay?

[D]

I'm fine.

[A]

No, I'm backing you up with noise.

[B]

You're backing me up with.

[D]

No, I don't know why the. The God of fertility is on there at the end, the engorged. You know what?

[A]

Well, because, babe, because we sell. Because we offer. There's also pills that if you're trying to get pregnant, you can. You can get those.

[D]

Yes.

[B]

And also if you need to. Yes. And I think you're talking about sort of like, you know, the. The More of the. Like, E. ED Pills. Yeah, yeah, that's what he was talking about.

[A]

Well, that.

[C]

He.

[A]

That. That figure predates the ED Pills.

[B]

Oh, interesting.

[A]

Because it's got a fertility.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

That's not just the God of. You know, that would be. Priapus, would be.

[B]

Oh, look at you.

[A]

Yeah, look at me.

[B]

Look at. You know, we have to.

[A]

We have to know all the gods.

[B]

You do. Pharmacists have to know all the gods. Did not know that. Well, it is called Mount Olympus, your school. So that would make sense.

[D]

Of course. Testicles.

[B]

Oh boy, oh boy.

[A]

Well, we have time for just one more post. Joan, you have one?

[B]

Yeah. This comes from Michelle. This says I am looking.

[A]

This comes from a shell.

[B]

It comes from Michelle. Oh my goodness. All right. I don't know where she wrote it from. Perhaps it was a shell. But this is from Michelle. I am looking for magazines and books. I work at the airport and we have a brand new light library and are in need of books, magazines. We would like to encourage parents and children to read. If they have a delayed flight, I can pick them up today. Now, we haven't talked about the Dignity Falls airport because it is sort of outside of the town lines because you can only fly across. Yes, Dignity Falls. That is it.

[A]

That's it.

[B]

And recently this is very strange. We have, we haven't talked about this, but I have heard about it and then I saw that this post. We are the only airport to have a library in it.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And they, it's taking up like a third of the airports.

[A]

It's so much space. They, they, they built into the Hudson News.

[B]

They did, yeah, they absolutely did. Oh, that's going to be Escrow.

[A]

Hi, Escrow.

[B]

Hi, baby. There's the dog smell. I know. It's really not good. It's mostly just cheese now. Escrow just smells a lot like cheese.

[A]

Really.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Eye gunk.

[B]

It's the eye gunk, babe. So I mean, I just think this is insane. It's. I mean, I, I guess I understand. I mean people, they have a lot.

[D]

Of good book magazines there though.

[B]

They do have. She runs a lot of.

[A]

It's a huge collection of book magazines. Yes. But, but I feel like it's, it's. You're not there that long.

[B]

You're not there that long and so then what? You, you reread half the story and then you can't take it with you because you're never going to turn that book back in probably. Especially if you're just passing through, through town also. So it's just a bunch of half read books.

[A]

Did somebody think that, did she think that the, the books being for sale at the airport was discouraging people to read? I mean, I like. People know what books are.

[B]

Exactly. I like, listen, I like the idea of like, oh, I'm in, I'm in this airport. I can get something. I can Sit down and read something. But the whole idea is something needs to be, you know, transportable. And that's only if you buy the book. Can you do that? You're going to want to look at the whole book. I do think they're overpriced, but I think a library is not the answer. Also, can you think of a louder place than an airport?

[A]

Steel mill.

[B]

All right, you got me there.

[D]

You got me there.

[B]

But you know what I'm saying? All right, apparently there are places louder than an airport. I mean, if you're outside.

[A]

If you're outside, it's very loud.

[B]

You understand my.

[A]

Of course we do, Jonah. Of course we do, Joe.

[B]

And it's kind of like just keeping you honest. That's all holed up in that library. And, and it kind of reminds me, have you ever go to the Vegas airport and they have smokey lounges and you look inside weird fishbowl, terrible purgatory of people.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

In a smoke filled room.

[A]

It's so, it's really that. I mean, that's how they should get people to quit smoking, is just have, have a live feed of anything. They should have a live feed of that.

[B]

I can't believe they still do that, honestly.

[A]

So if kid, if you catch your kids smoking, you say, oh, you want to smoke here?

[B]

This shows you what an addiction it is that you are willing to go into that room and sit there.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

In your own choices and the smoke of other people. Yes. Oh, but yeah, the library at the airport makes no sense to me. And no, Michelle, you're on your mind people and they're trying. You're out of your mind. There's no such. I mean there. Apparently generally there's such thing to her as book magazines, but I don't think anyone's going to be answering that call because we don't want it. We don't want the library in the airport.

[A]

No, we don't want that work.

[D]

I love in libraries when the magazines and those huge plastic things, you know, and you read the magazines, open the giant plastic.

[B]

You do love that.

[A]

It reminds me of when you go to like a Spencer's Gifts and they'd have the big poster thing. You make the clickety clack of the frames hitting each other very sad as well. That does it for this episode of the Neighborhood. Listen, if you would like to hear ad free versions of the episodes and get access to our bonus room content, special episodes that are not part of the main feed, go to cbbworld.com and sign up for the Maximus tier and you'll get the access to that content and I guess that's it. Oh, follow us on Instagram the Neighborhood Listening. You'll see we post the actual post that we read on the on the air. This is true and so you can have a visual component there and that's for free. And I think that's it. We'll be back next week with a new episode. Until then, goodbye and bye.

[B]

All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed.

[A]

The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me Paul f. Tompkins and me.

[D]

Nicole Parker and me Brett Morris.

[B]

This episode's guest was played by Michael McDonald.

[A]

The neighborhood listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang world.

[B]

Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show ad free as well as brand new full length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maxima subscribers. Your support keeps the show going.