You Can't Know What They Keep In That with Colton Dunn

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Neighborhood Listen

Episode: "You Can't Know What They Keep In That" (with Colton Dunn)

Air date: October 14, 2025
Host(s): Burnt Millipede (Paul F. Tompkins), Joan Pedestrian (Nicole Parker), Doug (Brett Morris)
Guest: Ani Banani (Colton Dunn)

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Main Theme / Episode Overview

The hosts of "The Neighborhood Listen" (Burnt, Joan, and Doug) continue their comedic, improv-driven exploration of the fictional Dignity Falls community, using real neighborhood app posts as inspiration. This episode focuses on a chaotic Walmart incident involving two disruptive individuals, a mysterious briefcase, and the unorthodox reaction of a would-be neighborhood vigilante. The episode is marked by layered tangents, local color, escalating absurdity, and a close look at the dangers of paranoia—both online and off.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Dignity Falls Chit-Chat and Neighborhood Lore

[00:53 - 15:00]

• Burnt, Joan, and Doug riff on local weirdness, including the infamous “Nose Canal,” shopping cart circles at Trader Joe (not "Trader Joe’s"), and impractical civic projects.
• Doug’s Conspiracy Room is introduced—complete with red yarn, blurry photos, and a running theme of paranoia.
• Joan’s twin sons, Matt and Buffalo Bill, are described as improv-obsessed manchildren performing at a laundromat dispensary (accepting only nickels, hoodies must be unzipped).
• Dissections of the Halloween season in Dignity Falls, changes to the town’s pharmacist parade, and musings on garden parties and local relationships.

Notable Quotes:

• “I wish my brain controlled my nose. You don't decide when you smell something.” – Doug [02:42]
• “They only take nickels...You can bring wet clothes and a roll of nickels and you're good to go.” – Joan [12:04]

2. Personal Updates and Relationship Drama

[15:33 - 22:43]

• Burnt reveals he and Gabby are “just okay” and shares details of sleeping in separate beds and Gabby possibly hiding out in another room after discussion of their near-marriage.
• Joan voices concern about Gabby's well-being, with the group spiraling into jokes about doorknob-locking refrigerators and commercials from the perspective of food.

Notable Quotes:

• “She got up from the table, eyes still closed...At one point, she opened the fridge. Because we have, you know, doorknobs on our refrigerators.” – Burnt [20:17]
• “Doug has always been just sort of enamored with the Sunny D commercials...Any commercial where you’re inside the refrigerator, Doug loves.” – Joan [21:15]

3. Featured Neighborhood App Post: Walmart Incident

[33:07 - 35:02]

• The podcast's main post is read: Ani warns of two overdosed men at Walmart “throwing stuff like food and climbing on fruit stands and hitting people and even babies and kids. And they even had a brief case with them.”
• The hosts fixate on the odd phrasing—“brief case”—and the heightened drama of the “crime and safety” section.
• Ani speculates the briefcase contains something sinister (“You can't know what they keep in that. A gun, maybe what they smoke or something. Or bad.”).

Memorable Moment:

• "You can’t know what they keep in that." – Ani, via post [34:23]

4. Interview with the Poster: Ani Banani

[35:26 - 73:24]

• Ani's Story Unpacked:

  • Ani describes the Walmart scene as “out of control” and announces he’s starting a neighborhood militia, accusing Walmart of inaction when refusing to call police.
  • Joan and Burnt gently poke holes in Ani's narrative, revealing that:
    • Ani didn’t consider calling police himself.
    • Dignity Falls police “have hours” and are often unhelpful ([40:27] “They will not stop crime for certain hours.” – Joan).
  • Ani details a muddled background of failed military and police careers (“I shot a couple people...got the address a little off…” [44:50]) and boasts about plans for an extensively armed and costumed militia.
  • Through careful prompting, the hosts lead Ani to realize he misunderstood the Walmart scene:
    • The men with the briefcase were likely cable installers climbing fruit stands to access wiring.
    • No evidence of “overdosed” chaos or baby-assaulting criminals.
    • Ani reluctantly considers he may have “gone a little bit too far” [56:35].

• Militia Escalation and Con-Artist Paranoia:

  • Ani admits to spending (and borrowing) considerable money, ordering Teslas as "militia vehicles" (most not confirmed as arrived), and hiring mostly nonexistent volunteers (all emails from a “Dutch Mo” address).
  • He finally realizes he's the victim of a scam, concluding: “I think this is a scam, I’ll be honest.” [67:10]

Notable Quotes & Moments:

• “I shot a couple people… I got the address a little off.” – Ani [44:50]
• “A lamp that was too long to fit in the briefcase, kind of like Mary Poppins…” – Ani [51:35]
• “I borrowed money...from a couple guys that I heard about.” – Ani [68:43]
• “The main lion’s share of them are Teslas outfitted with lights and decals...sort of looks like a cartoon.” – Ani [60:35]
• [Joan to Ani at realization]: “I think you might need to put a pause on this militia because...you might have been very misunderstood in what you actually were watching.” [64:39]
• “Not since the guy who was stealing bikes to teach people a lesson have we had someone kind of sober up mid–interview.” – Burnt [72:04]

5. Closing, Reflections & Additional Neighborhood Posts

[73:37 - End]

• Joan reads a post about a “vintage Clark Gable Esko statue” that looks nothing like Clark Gable (“In fact, I think at this point you’d only buy it just to have a contest to see who can guess who this statue actually looks like, because it sure as hell is not Clark Gable.” [74:57])
• The hosts debrief: sympathy and concern for Ani, doubts about his future, and further musings on small-town oddities. Doug announces he’s done with conspiracy theories, but quickly backtracks, continuing the cycle of paranoia and misunderstandings.
• Episode ends with another local post (misadventures with finding an ophthalmologist), tangents on local medical professionals, and absurd, affectionate bickering.

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Memorable Quotes

• “You can’t know what they keep in that.” – Ani via post [34:23]
• “I shot a couple people—got the address a little off...entered what I thought was a bank, turned out to be a donut shop.” – Ani [44:50]
• “I think you might need to put a pause on this militia.” – Joan [64:39]
• “You’re at a crossroads here, honey.” – Burnt [71:54]
• “Not since the guy who was stealing bikes to teach people a lesson have we had someone kind of sober up in the middle of the interview.” – Burnt [72:04]

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Timeline of Important Segments

• 00:53 – Show opens; discussion of Dignity Falls, Doug’s conspiracy room, town lore.
• 09:08 – Improv at the laundromat dispensary; Joan's twin sons.
• 15:33 – Relationship drama: Burnt & Gabby, refrigerator doorknobs.
• 33:07 – Introduction of the Walmart post (“Be careful…two overdosed guys were throwing stuff…”).
• 35:26 – Ani Banani joins, tells his vigilante plans.
• 44:50 – Ani reveals botched police background.
• 51:35 – The magical “briefcase” contents revealed (it’s a lamp, Mary Poppins–style).
• 56:35 – Ani begins to question his own narrative (“…the way you explain it makes me think perhaps I have gone a little bit too far…”).
• 60:35 – Ani elaborates on militia: Teslas, decals, “cartoon” vehicles, uniforms.
• 67:10 – Realizes militia endeavor is a scam.
• 73:37 – Post-show debrief: Clark Gable statue post; hosts express concern about Ani’s fate.
• 80:02 – “Looking for an ophthalmologist” post; final banter.
• End – Sign-off and credits.

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Tone and Style

The episode’s tone is fast-paced, absurd, and packed with improvisational banter, physical comedy imagery, and gentle mockery of small-town quirks. Dialogue is character-driven, with each host maintaining their established comic persona (Burnt’s mild befuddlement, Joan’s theatricality, Doug’s lovably clueless deadpan). Colton Dunn’s Ani provides satirical commentary on overzealous community “protectors,” paranoia, and the dangers of jumping to conclusions without information.

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For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

You’ll find a hilarious and lightly cautionary tale about how easily misunderstandings, local drama, and unchecked ambition can escalate. The hosts lead their guest through revelations—often to his chagrin—about reality versus perception, the perils of online posts, and the folly of DIY vigilantism. The journey runs from slapstick home conspiracies and improv twins to an accidental militia scam and a community struggling to separate fact from fiction. In classic "Neighborhood Listen" style, much is left unresolved—except the laughs.

Transcript

[A]

Hi, I'm Paul F. Tompkins.

[B]

And I'm Nicole Parker.

[A]

On this podcast, we improvise in character using real posts from a popular neighborhood networking website.

[B]

Occasionally, we change the names of some.

[A]

Streets, and that's all you need to know. To support the show and unlock the ad free archive, as well as exclusive monthly episodes of the bonus room, go to cbbworld.com and sign up for a Maximus membership.

[B]

And now, please enjoy this episode of the Neighborhood Listen.

[A]

Knock, knock.

[B]

Who's there?

[A]

Your neighbor.

[B]

Good. In Dignity Fall, you're never alone. You've got the neighbor half AV and us, Vern and Joan. From coyotes to male theft to weird things to sell.

[A]

We'll cover it all and meet new neighbors as well.

[B]

We'll chat about any posts you're missing. So just tune in to the Neighborhood Listen.

[A]

And welcome once again to the Neighborhood Listen, the podcast that looks at the neighborhood of Dignity Falls through the eyes of. Of its residents. I am one such resident and proud to be so.

[B]

Oh, good for you.

[A]

My name is Burnt Miapede. I am the pharmacist in chief of the Dignity Falls missy here in Dignity Falls. And with me, as always, is.

[B]

Oh. Joan Pedestrian. I am the top realtor here in Dignity Falls, and I'm also a local actress.

[A]

That's correct.

[B]

The Dignity Falls Community Players.

[A]

That is also correct.

[C]

And rounding it out.

[B]

I'm already proud. I'm also proud of it. I'm sorry. Burnt. You sounded so haunted.

[A]

That was very. I don't know, something about the abruptness of that really got to me.

[B]

It got to me, too. Listen, Sometimes I can't stop my mouth, and my brain is terrified of it. And that happens often.

[A]

What a terrible way to live.

[B]

It's just being an actress.

[A]

What is it your brain is terrified of? The fact that you can't stop your mouth?

[B]

Yeah, sometimes my mouth just goes. And my brain's like, what are you doing?

[A]

Oh, no. But the brain controls the mouth.

[B]

No, not this. Not in this body, baby.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Just ask Doug. And that's who you want to introduce, right?

[A]

That's exactly. Joe. You read my mind after hearing me try to do it.

[B]

I'm sorry.

[A]

We are. No, no, not at all. I was not trying to provoke an apology.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Well, it is appreciated.

[B]

I knew it. See? You were happy. You. And actually were happy you got one.

[A]

Well, I'd be.

[D]

I.

[A]

You could apologize to me for anything. I'd be happy. Things you didn't do.

[C]

I don't care.

[B]

I'm not doing that.

[A]

It's not. Well, I'm not asking you to do that. I'm saying you could.

[B]

Let's introduce Doug, my husband.

[A]

That's right. Joan's husband. Doug is our engineer. And Doug, hello to you.

[D]

It's Doug.

[B]

Yeah, we know.

[A]

New catchphrase.

[B]

That's a good new catchphrase.

[D]

It's pretty good. I wish my brain controlled my nose.

[B]

And why is that, baby?

[D]

The other way around?

[B]

Because you don't control your brain.

[A]

You want to be able to sniff around corners, that kind of thing.

[D]

Well, you don't decide when you smell something or when you want to smell something.

[B]

I never thought about that. I never thought about.

[C]

You have no.

[B]

You have no choice.

[A]

We can't. We can close our eyes. Eyes. We can't close our eyes.

[B]

Close our mouth.

[A]

We can't close our ears.

[B]

We can plug our ears.

[A]

We could plug your ears. But wouldn't it be easier if you could just.

[B]

I guess that's true.

[A]

Sort of blink, you know, with your ear canals.

[D]

Yeah. And your nose canal.

[A]

And your nose canal.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

So then. So, so what. What scenario would this be? Most helpful.

[A]

Did you ever go down to nose canal, by the way?

[B]

Oh, well, you know, there's so much trash there now.

[A]

Yes. Oh, it's sad.

[B]

Oh, it's just so, so polluted.

[A]

It used to be.

[B]

There used to be a lovely. People would get engaged at nose canal all the time. And there were instead of.

[A]

Instead of pictures of the ring on the hand, it would just be a close up of a woman's nose. She'd be pointing to it and you would get the message. Oh, they got engaged.

[B]

It's really sad what happened. It really is. I wish we could clean it up well.

[A]

But at the end of the day, even if it's clean and functioning again, it's still just. It's like taking a little boat ride in a giant nose.

[B]

It's true. And you know, instead of putting locks on, like the fence that's there, everyone put those pine tree air fresheners. There's just a ton of them hanging off. And those are actually kind of. They're all wet and soggy. That's disgusting. It's absolutely disgusting.

[D]

That was the ballot initiative we voted on to put those air fresheners up.

[B]

Why did we do that?

[A]

That was so ridiculous when I think about it now.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Why were we voting on what you could leave behind?

[D]

It was either that or go through the trouble of cleaning it up and everyone. Right sides.

[B]

I feel we should do that vote again. Cause I feel like people would change their minds I feel like we're on.

[A]

Three different tracks right now.

[B]

Are we?

[A]

Yes. I think you're suggesting we vote. Doug, correct me if I'm wrong. That we instead of cleaning it up to just hang air fresheners.

[B]

Right, Yeah, I got that right.

[A]

But I thought we were saying instead of locks, that's what people would leave. Not to.

[B]

Oh, is that the mighty mistake?

[A]

Not in an effort to. Oh, you thought that smell better.

[B]

You thought that that was to make it smell better.

[A]

Yes, but you're saying you realize that's.

[B]

What he thought just now. I did just now. My brain and my mouth just realized at the same time.

[A]

Okay, so when we voted to leave.

[B]

The air fresheners, I thought what you.

[D]

Oh, God.

[A]

That it was.

[B]

Yes, yes.

[A]

If people are going to leave behind.

[D]

That's what surprised me. Of severance. I don't like it.

[B]

Why?

[D]

Trying to figure out this puzzle of, you know, logic.

[B]

Doug is very worried. Doug is worried that he has been severanced.

[A]

Well, I don't think anyone was lying about anything.

[D]

Okay, I couldn't follow what you were saying.

[B]

No, let me explain, Bert. Doug is very. Doug's very worried. He has been severance.

[A]

No, Doug.

[B]

Because he doesn't really trust things. He saw the show. It got way too into his brain.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And so now when he wakes up, he's. He. He asks questions of me, you know, like, what did I say about yesterday? Did I say anything about the podcast? I'm like, we didn't severance you for this podcast.

[C]

Right.

[B]

He thinks we severance him for the.

[A]

Podcast if we did that.

[B]

Well, I'm not sure we know the difference.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

You're not severance, babe. You're fine.

[A]

Who would have severance? You?

[D]

I mean the order.

[B]

The order.

[A]

Oh, Doug, not this again.

[B]

Oh, boy. He's become a conspiracy theorist. First, he thinks he believes in the orange theory where all the rich behind are using the oranges for their sick feasts.

[A]

That's right.

[D]

For their sick feasts.

[B]

Yes. What is. What. What's happening?

[A]

Doug, please walk everyone through the order.

[B]

But do it quickly, babe.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Be concise. Be very. Be very accurate, but be precise. Be very informative, but precise.

[D]

The local ombudsman.

[B]

Oh, okay, yeah, local one.

[D]

Yeah. This is only local conspiracies. I don't believe in other.

[B]

Are you in the conspiracy room? Is that why. Is that what this is happening? Are you in your conspiracy room? He built a conspiracy room.

[A]

What does that mean?

[B]

And it's exactly what you think.

[A]

It's just all just all from yarn and photos.

[B]

It's all yarn and photos.

[D]

That's right.

[A]

A lot of question marks, I imagine.

[D]

Yeah. Lots of pins. Push pins.

[B]

Lots of push pins. Lots of push pins.

[A]

Here's. If you're going to have a conspiracy room, and Doug, correct me if I'm wrong, what you have to have is. Is red yarn. Absolutely.

[B]

Check.

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

A bunch of photographs of rooms, buildings, people. Blurry photos.

[B]

Blurry photos, for sure.

[A]

Wearing sunglasses.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Black and white push pins. Of course. Black and white, of course. You have to have maybe one target.

[B]

Maybe one target. Like a bullseye.

[A]

Doug.

[D]

Oh, really?

[B]

Educate us. Educate us.

[D]

I was thinking of the store Target when you said that, for some reason.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

I was also gonna say.

[B]

Yeah, why? Based on what we were talking about, why?

[A]

You have to have post its, too.

[D]

You have to have post its because.

[B]

I said a Target. So you mean, like, you literally thought. I meant you have to have.

[A]

You have to have a functioning Target.

[D]

Well, you need to buy these supplies from somewhere.

[C]

That's true.

[A]

So why. Why not?

[B]

Why not just. But we already have. We already have a Sizzler in our home because it's another room that Doug built from memory. And also a Sizzler to go. Like, you would get like a Chili's two at the airport. So are we close? Are we closest to what's going on in the room?

[D]

That's about it. But you got a little transistor radio, too.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[D]

To listen in.

[B]

Oh, I see.

[D]

Signals.

[B]

Signals.

[A]

Do you mean radio broadcast?

[B]

Are you, like, alien stuff, babe? Yeah, well, not that, too.

[A]

Do you mean a Brooklyn Dodgers game?

[D]

If you go in between the channels, you can pick up some wild stuff.

[B]

Of course. He's been on this ever since we had. Because, you know, crop circles are a thing and he's fascinated. But of course, in dignity hills. We don't have those. We have shopping cart circles. And they will form. They will be formed in the. Lots of Walmart or Trader Joe. Yeah, we only have a Trader Joe. We don't have a Trader Joe's.

[A]

And I feel like that.

[B]

And I'm like, it's so obvious. That's kids doing it.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, I think there's.

[D]

Kids couldn't possibly do that.

[A]

Kids couldn't possibly do that.

[D]

Too many carts and it's too elaborate.

[B]

He's tried. He's tried to recreate it, and he says he can.

[A]

By yourself, though.

[B]

Exactly. You need a few people.

[D]

Yeah, I got the boys to help me out.

[B]

Oh, God, the boys.

[D]

We couldn't do it. They got distracted.

[B]

Of course they did. I'm sure that they just. I'm sure they just rode around in them, right?

[D]

Well, we all took turns riding around.

[B]

Of course you did. These are my twin boys that we are talking about. My twin boys. Matt and Buffalo Bill. And Buffalo Bill.

[A]

Now, the. The thing is about the shopping carts. I feel like riding in shopping carts. There is a definite cutoff point in life where it's not like you sort of get tired of doing it. It's like one day it's like, this isn't fun anymore.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you know what I mean?

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I know what you mean. But my boys still like doing it, I guess.

[D]

You're a little older than me.

[B]

You can't apply magic to my boys.

[A]

Does one get in and one pushes, or they're not trying to fit their legs through the holes? Right.

[B]

They get on the bottom.

[A]

On the bottom.

[B]

You know, where you could put, like a pallet? Yeah, that's where they go.

[C]

Absolutely.

[B]

That's where they go.

[D]

And they try to stand up.

[B]

It's much more scary. They try to stand up from the bottom.

[D]

Well, there's one on the bottom and then one in the main cart. Trying to surf the main cart. Yeah.

[A]

So is he standing and with arms.

[B]

The main compartment. The main.

[D]

Outstretched? Yes.

[B]

Oh, gosh. Yeah, they. That doesn't surprise me that they weren't able to get anything done. The boys are still living at home, by the way, since we're talking about them and they're making me insane, I had to go to. They're doing. They are in an improv group. I know. I told you this last time. I told you. It's called Deez Nuts. It's so stupid.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

They do a show at the Dildo Factory. Laundromat.

[A]

Sorry, I thought you were looking for some.

[B]

No, that's what they constantly. But that is constantly what they say.

[A]

Do you know this happened to a friend of mine. A friend of mine went to an improv show that is. That involves puppets.

[B]

Oh, sure, sure, sure. Yes, I'm aware of that.

[A]

Yeah. So my friend. His friend is a puppeteer, so I invited him to go see it. And so my friend went to see it and. And somebody. When they asked for a suggestion of a place, someone in the audience truly did yell out dildo Factory. And my friend was astonished to see this happening in the wild.

[B]

Well, if you will remember, I tried to do a little improv Christmas cabaret where I tried to do that, but my boys ruined it.

[A]

They ruined it.

[B]

That's where. Dildo factor. That's where they first started it. Because they yelled that to me. I was like, can I get a suggestion of a place where Jesus was born?

[A]

Of a place where. Of a place where Jesus was born.

[B]

I told you, I'm not good at improv.

[A]

I don't even know how to get the suggestions.

[B]

I don't even know how to get the suggestions, but it's them. And it's one girl who insists on playing male characters always. And I was like, good for you. Good for you.

[A]

Cause some places that's not allowed, right?

[B]

Some places. Yeah. It's called every improv group back in the day. And they perform at the laundromat dispensary here. High end draw.

[A]

That's the. That's the marijuana dispensary that only has dryers. So you can bring.

[B]

It is. And you know what they take nickels. You have to bring.

[A]

You have to. It's all they take is nickels. So you can bring a pile of wet clothes and a roll of nickels and you're good to go.

[B]

And then you'll see some comedy. Or sometimes they have, like a poet, sometimes they have a harpist.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

And. And. And they. They just end up. They didn't. Didn't have a big group and I didn't have anything to dry, you know.

[A]

It was just the three of them.

[B]

Well, no, I mean, they didn't have a good group of an audience.

[A]

Oh, crowd. Not a good crowd.

[B]

They didn't have a good crowd.

[A]

Not a good house at the dispensary. Laundromat.

[B]

That's right. That's what they. That's what we say.

[A]

With only dryers. Yes.

[B]

And it's so loud.

[A]

It's so loud.

[B]

It's very, very hard to hear them. And they don't. They're not trained like I am.

[A]

Well. Because they made that hoodies only rule.

[B]

And they only just.

[A]

You can only bring in with zippers. With zippers. No pullovers only. And not half zip, not quarter zip. It's gotta be a full zipper hoodie.

[B]

Yeah. And you can't zip it up when you put it in. You have to put it in loose and open.

[A]

Exactly. Loose and open.

[B]

Loose and open. So. And so. They're just always walking. They're just trying to do it all around the house. And it's just frustrating. Like, don't.

[A]

They're doing improv everywhere.

[B]

Don't bring your work home, boys. That's what I. We can hardly call it work.

[A]

Did you catch that?

[B]

They get paid. I'm sorry. I probably did. I was so busy thinking about my boys, I missed it. What'd you say?

[A]

They're doing improv everywhere.

[B]

They are doing improv everywhere.

[A]

So, like, they'll go to a grocery store. People are just trying to mind their own business, buy groceries, and then there's your boys getting in their faces, like, lock the doors. There's a murder mystery.

[B]

Oh, it's just the worst. It's the worst.

[A]

Which aisle were you in on the night of the murder?

[B]

Yeah. And I told, you know, I. They need to get jobs, and so I've given them a deadline after Halloween because, you know, they love it so much, and so they. They're just out doing all sorts of Halloween things.

[A]

Halloween's really making a comeback, don't you find?

[B]

It really is. It really is. Ever since we. I mean, are we officially doing away with the pharmacist parade or they just rescheduled it?

[A]

They have. There's still a debate as to whether or not it should be rescheduled.

[B]

I think it should.

[A]

Certainly. It's been scaled down.

[B]

Good.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Like, Meaning the scope of, like, the route of the parade, or just like, it's shorter or.

[A]

Can I tell you not to be a dug here, but when you said the root of the parade. Oh, no, I was picturing. I was picturing rot.

[B]

Okay. All right.

[A]

Like, as if it was something that needs to be dealt with.

[B]

Well, I also do think that it needs. The root and the route both need to be. Be taken care of.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

And because the route is too long.

[A]

The route. The route is too long because it. It. It's a two and a half. Like, it goes around the same route, makes several laps, and then a halftime.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And then everybody's supposed. Everyone's supposed to. Supposed to go and meet the parade at the ending. Like, wherever you were along the route for the end, everyone has to be in the same place.

[B]

Well, not on the one where they do slow motion, but. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

But they've made a rule that none of the floats can exceed 50ft in the air.

[B]

Oh, finally.

[A]

Yeah. And none can be wider than the street anymore.

[B]

Oh, thank God. I mean, like I told you, it was Rudy.

[A]

Wow.

[D]

They're really scaling that.

[A]

They really are.

[B]

They're really scaling back.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

So how are. How are you and Gabby? What's going on?

[A]

We're. We're okay.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

We're okay. Yeah.

[B]

You know, every time I've asked lately, it's never. I never hear good. I never hear great. And With a very. With a voice that has almost zero motion. I hear we are okay this time. I heard some exhaustion.

[A]

Well, I wouldn't say exhaustion. I. I'm. I.

[B]

You've been sleeping in separate beds. You've been interested in having garden parties because you were watching so much Downton Abbey.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Did you end up having a garden party?

[A]

We did not. And it was canceled due to lack of interest on our part.

[B]

I think so many garden parties get canceled because of that.

[A]

Yeah. We sent out invitations and then.

[B]

I didn't get one.

[A]

Are you.

[B]

I didn't get one.

[A]

You didn't get one?

[B]

No. You're not going to tell. This is not going to be a Dakota Johnson, Ellen DeGeneres moment, is it?

[A]

Yes, you did get one.

[B]

Wait, what? I didn't realize it.

[A]

Yeah. What a weird thing that was.

[B]

It was so weird, right? It was so weird because on the.

[A]

One hand, I could see Ellen just doing the normal, like the go to dumb joke of, well, why wasn't I invited to your party?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

But then it became very.

[B]

It got so serious. She made it so serious so fast.

[A]

What did she say? Actually, that's not true. Ellen. Is that what she said?

[B]

I mean, she really. I kind of. I feel like you did it very good. It was like. Actually, we did. Ellen, we did invite you.

[D]

I think maybe we did get the invitation. I might have. I might have it in this room.

[A]

Oh, no. Did you write something on the back of it? Like, who else knows?

[D]

I've been intercepting all of our mail and going through.

[B]

Oh, no, no.

[A]

Why? What do you mean? It's your home. So what do you mean you're intercepting the mail?

[D]

Talking about I have to protect my family.

[B]

Oh, babe, this is. No, no. We're not going to start talking like.

[D]

I am a father.

[B]

He's going to start writing on the windows.

[D]

Honor bound to my home.

[B]

Oh, my gosh. It's going to be. Do you know they're making a musical of beautiful minds? I'm not kidding.

[A]

I mean, I guess at this point. Well, I'm not surprised by anything. I can't believe the Notebook.

[B]

Yeah, that was a real hit. People really loved that.

[A]

Bananas to me.

[B]

It's very romantic. Burnt. It's romantic. People like it. It's sad, though, right? Romantic and sad. Lots of musicals are romantic and sad. Now, that part. That one I get. I kind of get that one.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Anyways, can you please stop interst. Except you never saw it. You never. Wait a minute. What is this? Why is there a helicopter above the House.

[A]

Doug, did you summon a helicopter? You can put this right above our house. It is good for the conspiracy room.

[D]

It is very good for the conspiracy room.

[B]

What are you doing?

[D]

It really brings the vibe.

[A]

Then I had to stir the sauce. I had to turn it up to 300 degrees, stir it for two hours. Remember that from Goodfellas?

[B]

No. Now I do.

[A]

He's going crazy because of cocaine. The drug again.

[B]

We're not a movie podcast. We've already referenced. We've already referenced quite a few. We.

[A]

How many movies have we ever.

[B]

Beautiful Minds. And that was my fault. Downtown Abbey. Sort of the movie that doesn't really matter.

[A]

Inexplicably, another movie.

[B]

Goodfellas. And I feel like there was another one. Notebook. That's right.

[A]

We're not a movie podcast.

[B]

No, we're not. Okay, so then why the exhausted answer about Gabby?

[A]

Well, because I'm not exhausted. We started sleeping in the separate bedrooms, and that was kind of fun. But then I haven't seen her in a few days.

[D]

Oh.

[B]

Well, I have some follow up questions. Okay, you mean you literally have. Has her car even been at the house?

[A]

No, it has not.

[B]

But then she has she responded to text messages or phone calls?

[A]

Not as such. No.

[B]

What does that mean?

[A]

Well, I guess no.

[B]

Okay, so we'll go with no. And what happened the last time you saw her? Did you guys have a fight?

[A]

Did we have a fight? I mean, we did. The subject of marriage did come up again.

[B]

Did she bring it up?

[A]

No, I brought it up.

[B]

Okay. And what was the context of you bringing it up?

[A]

I said, remember when we almost got married?

[B]

Did I know this? Did I know you almost got married? Yes, I did. Sorry. Can you remind me and all our listeners.

[A]

Well, I got cold feet and I was your runaway groom.

[B]

Oh, that's right. I don't know why. I thought maybe for some reason it was some other lady. I'm sorry, I forgot that it was Gabby.

[C]

Oh.

[A]

I mean, you haven't known a lot of my girlfriends.

[B]

This is true. This is very true. Okay, you said, remember when we almost got married? What'd she say?

[A]

And she just sort of looked at me, and then she closed her eyes for a really long time. She got up from the table, eyes still closed. Yeah. She's feeling around. At one point, she opened the fridge. Because we have, you know, we have doorknobs on our refrigerators.

[B]

I didn't know. Didn't know that a doorknob. Doorknob on a refrigerator, babe. Why? How is it better that you have to turn it more so than. That's more work than a handle.

[A]

It is, but it's. We enjoy it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's not that much work.

[D]

Can you lock it?

[A]

You can lock it. Not from the inside. We made sure that you can't do that.

[B]

Good idea. Good idea.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, so then, because if you're inside.

[A]

The fridge and somebody locks it, then your best bet would be to slide a piece of paper under the door, push the key out. But we don't keep paper in the fridge.

[B]

You know, Doug has always been just sort of enamored with the Sunny D commercials and how they get that shot. He loves any commercial where he always likes to imagine there is someone in the refrigerator watching from the perspective of the food or anthropomorphizes the food. You know, they're his favorite, I think. What's another one that does Miracle Whip does those kinds of commercials? Any commercial where you're inside the refrigerator, Doug loves.

[A]

There's that commercial for some sort of milkshake for old people. Where.

[B]

Oh, in. Sure.

[A]

Yeah. And so they're inside the fridge and all the things that.

[B]

Why don't they just go with milkshake for old people?

[A]

Do you know what? Old people love treats.

[B]

They do.

[A]

They love treats. And I get it.

[B]

I get it.

[A]

You're saying, how many more years do I have left? Of course I'm going to have treats.

[B]

So wait, insure does this as well.

[A]

But the. All the products only have arms. That's the old. That's the old.

[B]

Oh, really? You mean in the refrigerator? But they don't have faces. Oh, that's upsetting. That's upsetting. Okay, so wait, Continue, continue, continue, continue. What did Gabby do? She opens the door of the refrigerator.

[A]

And then she realized, well, I'm the. It's not my room. She finally made it out of the room and into her bedroom, closed the door, and that was the last time we saw.

[B]

So she's at the house, I think. Oh, okay.

[A]

I don't want to. I've knocked on the door, but I don't want to open the door because that's an invasion.

[B]

That's not normal burn. She needs to. Does she have any way to eat? For days she's just been in that room.

[A]

I, I, I don't know. She might be eating when I leave the home.

[B]

Babe, don't you find this upsetting? I mean, this is weird. Oh, no. He's gonna think there's some conspiracy about it.

[A]

Oh, Doug. Oh, Doug, don't take us there.

[B]

But this is concerning.

[D]

Do you have tinfoil.

[B]

Oh, boy.

[A]

On me?

[D]

No, on your property.

[A]

Do you mean like in, in the home? Yes, yes, we do have, we do have.

[D]

Why that's on your property. Your home.

[A]

Yeah, I don't, I guess I don't.

[D]

Think, I feel like that's not that confusing. I'm trying to talk like.

[A]

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Doug, everything's all right.

[D]

Thank you.

[A]

You're trying to talk like a what?

[B]

Doug knows a little bit about this. The only time, the only time I've ever professional. The only time I ever. I've done that once. But I made a very big show that I was, I said I'm going and I'm not coming out. And that was when I didn't make the women's choir. The women's choir under 50. And that real, as everyone knows, that was very devastating to me.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I was in there and I did, I didn't lock the door because I didn't want anyone to think I was being unsafe. And what were you going to say, babe?

[D]

Oh, nothing. I, I, I misheard you not. But I, I did slip you food under the door.

[B]

He did, he did. He found, he, he, he, he pressed me. He pressed me. All sorts of my favorite food.

[D]

Mostly matza, cold cuts, fruit roll up pizza.

[B]

You would be surprised how much you can actually get under a door.

[A]

Yeah, it's true. It's smart that you. Because you're, you're the distance between the bottom of your door and the floor. It's not regulation, is it?

[B]

No, nothing is about our house.

[A]

It's slightly higher.

[D]

Slightly higher for just such an occasion. Right. Flatbreads can fit in there.

[A]

If they're not, if they don't have too many toppings.

[D]

Yeah, no, you don't want high toppings.

[B]

No, but this is the difference. He knew I was in there.

[A]

Some people put bugles on a flatbread. Ew.

[B]

Bugles on a flatbread.

[D]

I love that. Bugles on the flat bread.

[A]

I thought mirror in the bathroom. That's what I, that's where I went.

[D]

Here was on a half shell turtle.

[A]

Oh, sure, sure.

[B]

This is Doug we're talking about. We should have known. We should have known.

[A]

Here goes all that flat fresh.

[B]

Well, this is the difference. This is all I'm trying to say is that he knew I was in there and I didn't lock the door. Have you checked to see if the do locked?

[A]

I have gone to touch the knob many times and then retreat it.

[B]

Okay, well, it could be hot. Why?

[D]

Have you ever seen those like if there's a.

[B]

Have you ever seen those?

[D]

Seen those, like in movies or whatever?

[B]

When Joe Pesi puts his hand on the hot doorknob. Oh, God.

[D]

I don't think fire in there. The doorknob gets hot.

[B]

I know. Like Backdraft, like all of that.

[D]

Like Backdraft.

[B]

That's fire. I don't think there's a fire in there. I think you would know at this point. I think you would know.

[A]

What was the plot of.

[B]

Also She's a smoke jumper Fire.

[A]

I think there's more to it than that. I know that fire.

[B]

This is because. This is, of course, again, because Buffalo Bill and Matt, my twins, were obsessed with Backdraft. We used to take them often to Universal Studios and we had a couple trips out there because they had that backdraft. In fact, they hid. They managed to hide and spent the night in there. One night.

[A]

Like from the mixed up files of Mrs. Basili Frankweiler.

[B]

Now that was a lot of words and I have never heard of them.

[A]

It's a story that. A children's book. And the only thing I remember about it.

[B]

My favorite thing about you, you remember only a few things from everything.

[A]

Well, I mean, life is long.

[B]

It sure is.

[A]

Come on, Joan. The only thing I remember is it's a brother and sister. They're kids. They hide in a department store.

[B]

Oh, right. Okay.

[A]

Maybe the museum. Because there's a fountain that they use to sort of wash up. And also they collect the coins from the fountain to purchase food in the Automat.

[B]

They sound terrible. This is not perfect.

[A]

They sound terrible.

[B]

Yeah, they're stealing them.

[A]

You're not concerned for them at all? They're children, Joan.

[B]

Okay, I'm sorry.

[A]

These are not setting fires all over the place.

[B]

My boys don't do that anymore. The fires are.

[A]

Well, that's. I'm glad they're contained. What level of containment are we at?

[B]

You're asking about what the plot of Backdraft is. I'm gonna get you back to that again. Even though I said that I wasn't going to. About movies as much, because sometimes I'm wrong about the finer points. But I believe in one way, yes, it's just about fire. It's about teaching the public about the word backdraft. Because no one knew about it before that movie started. Ron Howard wanted everyone to know about it.

[A]

You gotta watch out for that.

[B]

You gotta watch out for that. But then it was also about how, you know, a lot of times arsonists are like fire men themselves, and that comes from the inside. And it was Donald Sutherland this time. Sorry for the spoiler.

[A]

Oh, it was Donald.

[B]

It was. Now that. I'm very worried now that I'm gonna be wrong.

[A]

I cannot remember if I've seen that movie or not. I feel like I must.

[B]

I wish we could do a three things Burnt remembers, but I don't even know I could do that from Backdraft. All I know is that's all I'd have.

[A]

Let's fire Billy Baldwin.

[B]

Billy Baldwin.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. And the poster. The poster was very. It was very striking.

[A]

I have just the vaguest image of just flames.

[B]

See, the plot is fire. I guess Doug's right. The plot is fire.

[A]

So there's a. Are there a series of arsons that they're investigating?

[B]

Yes. And they find out that it's, you know, it's coming from within. The fire's coming from within the house.

[A]

The ship chief, fire office. What are they called? Fire marshall, Fire marshal?

[B]

Fire fire marshal. I don't know. I'm now worried that Donald Sutherland wasn't in it. So we should probably take a break. Babe, how long have we been talking?

[A]

Oh, boy.

[B]

It takes a minute, especially God knows what. You what? What setup you have in there for recording.

[D]

36 minutes. No, sorry, 27 minutes.

[B]

I was gonna say that. Too long.

[A]

Terrifying.

[B]

All right, we should take a break.

[A]

We'll be right back.

[C]

Mr.

[B]

Monopoly here. Monopoly is back at McDonald's. Register in the McDonald's app so you're ready to.

[C]

Two ways to peel for a chance.

[A]

To get your bag.

[C]

Physical peels with select items and digital.

[A]

Peels with others to get your band. Play Monopoly at a game dummies. No purchase necessary. Seals at [e-mail] for full details and amoe.playmcd.com to play without purchase ends November 23rd. But bonus, play ends November 2nd. Monopoly is a registered trademark of Hasbro. Copyright McDonald's. Hi, this is Ted. Free ice cream. Random gift, but wanted to offer before I throw away. Tried a scoop of this ice cream and it wasn't for us. Anyone interested? Tillamook campfire, peanut butter cup, porch pickup in Dignity Falls near the hospital. Okay, now I know I said that I tried to scoop and when you look at the picture, it's obviously much more than a scoop. It looks like half of the container is gone.

[C]

And.

[A]

And I'll just say that I indeed tried one scoop and didn't like it and then handed the carton to my son. And my son, he was like a Tasmanian devil just eating this ice cream and saying how Am I supposed to know if I don't like it, if I don't give it a chance? And he was just going to town, just shoveling it in there. And then he had like a. Like his cheeks were full of ice cream.

[D]

Just.

[A]

He was really packing it in there. And then it took him about 15 minutes to let it all sort of melt down his throat. And then he sort of. He sort of looked up in this at the ceiling, and he took a finger and he put it on his chin. He's tapping his chin feeling, do I like it? Do I like it? And then finally looked at me and says, I pronounce it. No. I don't even know what I pronounce it.

[C]

No.

[A]

So anyway, I'm sorry it's not as much as you might like. And I'm sorry that he did repeatedly put the spoon in his mouth and then in the ice cream, but he didn't really. He just loaded the ice cream in. He didn't really suck on the spoon, if that may. Is this gross? I'm so sorry. But look, it's. It's most of a half of a. A bunch of ice cream. And as I say, it's porch pickup. And you better get here soon because I. I haven't pushed send on this post yet, and it was 50 minutes ago. Hey, welcome back to the neighborhood lesson.

[B]

Yeah, that was a crazy sound. Burnt.

[A]

Was it? I was just saying.

[B]

And welcome back by way of a lot of other syllables.

[A]

Syllables. Does that count as a lot of syllables if I just stretch out the one word?

[B]

I guess not. I guess I don't.

[A]

Obama used to do it all the time.

[B]

Oh, boy. And it's been too many presence on the podcast already this episode.

[A]

Somebody. I remember somebody told me it's because he doesn't. It's clearly because he doesn't want to say. Because that makes you sound.

[B]

That's a good trick, actually. That really is a good trick.

[A]

But then once you notice it, it sounds absolutely. It sounds crazier than you would imagine. All right, We. We have a.

[B]

We do as we.

[A]

Oh, but you had an update on the Backdraft.

[B]

Well, I mean, I. I was just. I was happy that I was correct that Donald Southern was in it and he was Spectre and his name was Donald Don. What is it? It was Donald Shadow Ringale. It's quite a name.

[A]

It's very Lord of the Rings.

[B]

Anyway, it really is like Donald's title.

[D]

I would go by Shadow.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Of course.

[D]

That was my middle name.

[A]

I bet it. I bet it was his nickname.

[D]

Oh, it was.

[B]

It was like his call sign, like for firemen. That's what it seems like. I don't know. It seems like that's what they kind of make it seem like because they have nicknames in this movie as they're listing them out. There was Stephen Bull McCaffrey. So that's like a second person. John Axe Adcox. They all have the.

[A]

Imagine being the fireman who gets to have the nickname Ax. I mean, you have to be so good with that. Oh, my God. You have to be like the ground level for that. Look, I'm pretty good with an axe.

[C]

But he deserves the nickname Ax.

[A]

You've never seen somebody with an axe like this.

[D]

He can spin it on his finger.

[A]

He can spin it on his finger system.

[B]

All right, let's get to our guest.

[A]

Yes. As we do every week, we comb the neighborhap, the social note breaking application for neighborhoods to look for interesting people in our neighborhood to talk to. And if you think you've seen a post that we should talk about, why don't you screenshot it and send it to [e-mail] this one comes to us from. I think this was a. No, this was not a listener submission, and we appreciate our listeners sending in submissions. Again, we do have listeners. We do not have fans. We are not being presumptuous.

[B]

We don't want to be.

[A]

All right, this comes to us from Ani in the crime and safety section, Ani writes, be careful. This little headline in bold. Be careful where you guys go. Today at Walmart, two overdosed guys were throwing stuff like food and climbing on fruit stands and hitting people and even babies and kids. And they even had a brief case with them. I think that's. They even had a briefcase with them.

[B]

Was case like empath italicized?

[A]

No, it's two separate words. Whereas I think the word briefcase is one word.

[B]

I think so. Okay. A briefcase with them.

[A]

Because it's the use of even. That is.

[B]

Yes, yes.

[A]

Well, we'll get it going.

[B]

As if that would be an obvious choice for them.

[A]

You can't know what they keep in that. A gun, maybe what they smoke or something. Or bad. Then we asked a Walmart worker, why aren't you guys calling the cops? Their answer only was, we can't call the cops. That's a tough answer. What do you mean you can't call the cops? Question mark, exclamation mark. Question mark, exclamation mark. Would you rather lose your job or life over Something like that. And then it's the emoticon that you rarely see anymore. It's the knit eyebrows and the frowny face.

[B]

Oh, okay. Yes.

[A]

We have to use the less than, the greater than symbol. Out of context. I don't know which it is.

[B]

I don't know, but I'm sorry, my dog Escrow is going crazy in the background.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

He is looking at the turned off television. What do you think he sees in there?

[B]

Nothing. Because he's blind. Remember?

[A]

His eyes are just too marble.

[B]

All right, keep going, please.

[A]

Let's introduce our guest, Ani. Ani, thank you for being here on the Neighborhood. Listen.

[C]

Yeah, thanks for having me on.

[B]

You're welcome.

[A]

And Ani, this is a. This is a somewhat harrowing tale.

[C]

It was an incredible experience, I gotta tell you.

[A]

An incredible experience.

[B]

Wow. Okay, well, so to give us a Walmart.

[C]

Little fire underneath me.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Well, you sound very determined.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

But to do what?

[B]

Good question.

[C]

Well, you know, to be honest, what I decided is that I'm gonna go ahead and start off and. Yeah, I'm glad you gave me this platform. So I'm looking for people to sign up. If the police aren't gonna step in and do what needs to be done, I think us as neighbors need to step it up. And so I'm starting a neighborhood militia.

[B]

Oh, my goodness.

[C]

Because this situation, by the way, was out of control.

[B]

Way more extreme.

[A]

Yes, militia's a. That's a.

[C]

You should have seen these things.

[B]

Big word to throw around.

[C]

All right. You know all the fruit stands they have at Walmart?

[A]

Absolutely. Sure.

[C]

They got fruit stands. And sometimes I love going there for fresh fruit. And I'm not just talking the lower level of the fruit stands. These guys were climbing onto the upper deck of the fruit stands.

[A]

The pineapple part.

[C]

The pineapple part. The part where they have, like, the kiwis.

[B]

The banana tree where they're all hanging.

[A]

That's high up.

[B]

That is really high up.

[C]

Now, one of them tried to climb that banana tree.

[B]

Well, you know, it's like a. You know, sometimes they make that fun display where they hang them up on a big rack, like trees.

[C]

I'm all for fun. I'm all for jokes. I'm all for giggles. I'm all for a good time. But at Walmart, where there's families, of course there were families there.

[B]

They're generally.

[C]

These guys had a brief case.

[B]

Okay, now can you explain that? What do you mean by brief case?

[A]

Are you doing like a Commodore spin? It was a Brief case.

[C]

No, a brief case. You guys are familiar. Okay. Imagine if you're in the court of law. Right?

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Oh, and. And you. Somebody. Somebody has brought a law suit against you.

[B]

Wait.

[C]

You would have to hire a lawyer to represent you. And that lawyer would. Carrying a brief case.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. So we just mean. We all mean the same thing. Things that you. A little sort of like suitcase that you put papers in. Yeah, right. For your briefs.

[A]

Perfect description of a briefcase.

[B]

Thank you.

[C]

But suitcase.

[B]

Ah, I see. Isn't it interesting? I want to get in more to what makes them take that pause. But first I want to ask, is this your regular Walmart? Have you been going there for years? Is this the first time you saw anything like this?

[C]

I was the first customer to walk through the doors that way.

[B]

No way.

[D]

Wow.

[C]

Really? First customer. Day one, when it opened up, I was there.

[B]

Was that on purpose?

[A]

I recognize you from your picture, of course.

[B]

Oh, yeah. They do have you framed. Oh, yeah, that's right. They do have your. You're on a frame. You're in a frame on the wall.

[C]

I brought that up after I complained to them and they said there was nothing they could do. And that's when I realized I should take things into my own hands. Start, you know, training in my backyard. Try to get a couple guys together a couple times a week. Just to go over the motions. So that if this happens again. Okay, if this happens again, I'll know what to do.

[A]

Okay, Let me. Let me ask this.

[D]

This.

[A]

When you asked them to call the police and they said, we can't do that, did you just think, well, I'll just call the police?

[B]

Good question, Bernd.

[A]

Yeah, I mean, are you not allowed to call the police?

[B]

I would think you could just use your phone. Oh, I think we might have. He's looking off into the distance. In fact, I couldn't tell you what the emotion is on his face.

[A]

He really went far away.

[B]

He went so far away. Way.

[C]

I'll be honest, I didn't think about it.

[A]

Because you started blaming the police. You're saying if the police aren't going to do anything.

[B]

Yeah, if it's really more the Walmart employees that would not call, you know, it's. That's.

[C]

That.

[B]

That's who you should direct your anger at. You know, I think maybe not the police anger.

[C]

All right, well, I'll check into that. I'll call and see if there are in fact police already. Perhaps I'll read.

[A]

What do you mean, police already?

[B]

Oh, like on the case? You mean on the Brief case.

[C]

I inferred there were no police available. When they said they could not call the police, I inferred that that's.

[A]

Oh, really? There was no power cops. And you took that to mean there are no available. Okay, really? How do you think they would know this at Walmart?

[C]

I mean they know. They know where everything's at in the store. I mean the knowledge.

[B]

They are very knowledgeable.

[C]

You cannot be, you cannot get a job at Walmart without being on top of it.

[A]

I guess I wouldn't take that to mean that they're oracles of some kind that they have. They can be aware of anything just because they know where everything is in the store where they work.

[B]

Got it now.

[A]

Thanks for not making that a fight. Now you say that now.

[B]

Listen, wait. Admittedly we should. I mean, listen. The Digy Falls police.

[A]

I'm listening, Joe.

[D]

Maybe it was outside their hours.

[B]

Sometimes they're the worst. I mean sometimes they really have not.

[A]

Been terrible, of course.

[B]

So I, you know, I kind of. That's kind of where I was going.

[D]

They have hours.

[B]

Well, that's why like the police have hours. They do have hours. They will not. They will not. It's mortifying. They will not stop crime for certain hours.

[A]

When people come here from out of town and they see posted on the police station 10 to 6, not even first thing in the morning, they get mad.

[D]

They go, God, it's 10pm, what do you want?

[B]

They're always annoyed. They're just always annoyed.

[C]

And you never see them. If it's like past mid night, you never see them.

[B]

Oh my goodness.

[A]

One of the things I really hate is when they if after dark they answer the phone and they put on a fake sleepy voice.

[B]

Oh yeah. Yes.

[D]

Come on.

[A]

Just don't answer the phone.

[C]

That'll never happen with my militia, I can guarantee you.

[B]

Okay, so now let's get to this. Let's. Ani, Is that right? No. Ani.

[C]

Ani.

[B]

What do you.

[C]

Can I ask Banani is my last name Banani?

[B]

It is kind of fun.

[A]

It is fun. I enjoyed saying it.

[B]

Can I do it? Ani Banani. Oh, that is fun, babe. Did you want to try it?

[D]

Is it Anakin? Is that what it's short for?

[B]

No. Oh, why would you think that?

[D]

Ani.

[B]

But it's Anakin.

[A]

Do they call him Ani in the movies?

[D]

Yeah, I think so.

[A]

That's dumb.

[B]

What? I can't imagine.

[A]

Ani.

[D]

But Ani. Sorry, I was derailing.

[A]

If your name was Thomas and people called you Tome.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

You can't Just change this anyway.

[B]

Okay. Ani. But not.

[A]

It's not a movie podcast.

[B]

It's not. Can I ask what you do for a living first? I need to know that.

[C]

Yeah, well, you know, contract.

[B]

Okay. Okay. Now that's. Now that leads me to a follow up question. Do you have any military or law enforcement experience?

[C]

Adjacent. Adjacent.

[B]

Now I'm going to have to ask a follow up of what? I need you to clarify what adjacent means.

[C]

Okay. So I enlisted to join the United States Marines.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Was not accepted because there were some issues with the application process.

[A]

And what were those issues?

[C]

They just felt like, you know, perhaps I would be a better fit with another branch of the military.

[A]

And why did they feel that way?

[B]

Okay.

[C]

They just thought that with my certain set of skills I would be. They would apply better with the. Another branch of the military.

[A]

And which would that be?

[C]

The. With the army.

[B]

Okay. All right.

[A]

So you had skills that, that were so beyond the Marines. They said you actually should be in the army.

[C]

They sent me to the army what they meant.

[B]

But maybe. And so then you enlist in the. In the Army.

[C]

Okay. You got sent away to training camp.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Sent away.

[C]

Sent back fairly quickly after arriving camp. It was not a good fit.

[A]

Uh huh. And why was it either?

[C]

Well, the, the, the drill sergeant that was sort of assigned to the group that I was with, me and him just didn't really see eye to eye on things.

[A]

I see, I see.

[B]

Would you say that you didn't like any of the training? Would you say, you know, from your perspective how I was having a great.

[C]

Time, I was enjoying it. I thought I was doing great.

[B]

Oh, okay. So you enjoyed it? I loved it. I think he maybe didn't like it. Okay.

[A]

The drill sergeant disagreed.

[C]

Yeah. For some reason. I just, it might have been my. Some of the, you know, I was very vocal. I was.

[A]

I think they don't like that, right?

[B]

Yeah. Certainly not when they don't want you to be.

[C]

Yeah, well, you know, but I, you know, look, when I see, you know, you see a light bulb that's unscrewed a little bit and you know, you screw it back in to turn the light on.

[B]

A light bulb.

[C]

You know, when you see a light bulb, right, and it's unscrewed a little bit, you know, you gotta, you gotta tighten that up. And that's just kind of what I saw some stuff that was broken. I figured I would, you know, if I saw something, I'd say something. I'd be like, I don't think we're.

[B]

Talking about flash, about light bulbs?

[A]

No, I think that was metaphorical.

[B]

I believe.

[D]

So.

[B]

Can I ask, how many days were you there before you were sent out?

[C]

Three.

[B]

Okay. I figured it was gonna be a short amount of time.

[C]

Three days.

[A]

That's not many days.

[B]

That's not many days at.

[A]

And does that.

[B]

Sorry, but does that conclude your military experience?

[D]

No.

[C]

Came home, applied for the police academy.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

In Detroit, Michigan, where I was born and was accepted. All right. Joined the force. I got a gun, I got a badge.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

The whole deal, the whole thing, unfortunately, didn't work out. We kind of decided to go our separate ways.

[A]

And why didn't it work out?

[C]

I shot a couple people.

[B]

Were the people. Other. Who were the people?

[C]

Just, you know. Well, the one. A bank was being robbed.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

And I got the address a little off, and I entered, you know, gained entrance to a. What I thought was a bank. It turned out that it was a donut shop that was just a corner store. Donut shop, right.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

I saw a guy handing another guy a bank bag. You know, again, I'm in. You know, I assume that I'm arriving at a bank robbery, right? So I. I took a shot, right? Because I had a clear shot at the man who was handing the bag over.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Got him. The man who was taking the bag, you know, just acted so suspicious after that.

[A]

How would you. Like what. How would you describe his actions?

[C]

He was screaming.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

Scared that he was saying, why?

[A]

Why?

[B]

And that was suspicious.

[C]

And again, I'm thinking, it's a bank robbery, dummy. Your bank is being robbed. But he didn't get it. He freaked out.

[A]

Okay, well, so I'm gonna say if somebody's handing a bank. Yes, I. I would put them behind the counter.

[C]

I know that's the first guy I shot.

[B]

But here's the thing. I believe I know what Doug is gonna say. Right. To be fair, in Dignity Falls, we do have a donut shop that is in an old mortgage company building and likewise in a big, gigantic donut building. That's where.

[D]

And they do put the donuts in a bag, not a box.

[A]

They do.

[B]

They do.

[D]

And so I wish they would change that.

[B]

This literally has been established.

[A]

All the different frostings, toppings, glazes get on each other.

[D]

I know.

[A]

They shake it up for you.

[B]

It's very interesting that we spoke about it.

[A]

They shake it up for you, even though I don't think anybody wants that. But they say one final touch, and then they shake the bag rapidly and.

[C]

Hand you the donut.

[B]

So it's interesting that you're bringing this up because I never even occurred to me that someone might this exact scenario might happen. Because it doesn't look like a donut shop.

[A]

Let me ask you this though.

[D]

Okay?

[A]

So it's. There's a donut shop inside the bank.

[B]

No, no, the mortgage. Wait, what do you mean?

[A]

The mortgage company?

[B]

Yeah, the mortgage. It's an old mortgage company. I don't know what you're talking about.

[A]

I think I was in the neighborhood of what we were discussing.

[B]

Yes, but I thought that you were actually thinking that there was like a concurrent business like mortgage and donuts.

[A]

That's what I. Oh, I was thinking that, yeah.

[B]

No, it's just an old abandoned mortgage.

[C]

These are completely separate, you know, owners and license.

[B]

Yes. Oh, there. Well, as crows, Escrow sensed a butterfly run past him.

[A]

Sensed a butterfly.

[B]

Yeah, well, he's really good about that these days. Okay, so he's had.

[A]

Still he's recently acquired. It is.

[B]

It is. I'm very proud of him. So sorry. Let's get back to this. So. So how many people ended up actually being injured as 13. That's a lot. Oh, no, there were not any deaths, just two fatalities.

[C]

Two fatalities.

[B]

Okay, dear.

[A]

Those are the three count count as shooting.

[C]

Sorry, Three fatalities.

[A]

Okay. More.

[C]

No. Well, as a couple weeks after somebody else passed away.

[A]

Oh, from their injuries, sure.

[B]

Oh, wait. You know what? I'm so sorry. I messed up. Was this still in Detroit? This was happening.

[C]

This was still in Detroit.

[B]

Oh, well, then it wasn't the dignity donut, sir. Well, then you'd really messed up.

[A]

You just walked into a donut shop.

[B]

There's no excuse for what you did whatsoever.

[C]

I mean, again, I was responding to what I thought was bank robbery.

[A]

Okay, but you walked into a donut shop.

[B]

I mean, were there pictures of donuts everywhere?

[C]

Yes. I mean, so yes. I mean, there's donuts on everything in this place. Very well branded.

[A]

Did you find yourself saying, this bank smells delicious when you walked in there?

[C]

You know what, when you're. When you're in the zone, when you're in law enforcement, you know you're focused on the goal right there. Right. And you know, so things like sight, smell, taste, you know, things like that.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

You have to.

[D]

You have to put.

[C]

Push those to the side.

[D]

You clean up your holes.

[A]

Sight.

[C]

And you just have to focus on the target.

[A]

The one sense I could see pushing aside is maybe taste. But I think all the other ones you absolutely need.

[B]

Absolutely. Okay, so then I'm assuming you were let go right after this happened.

[C]

I was relieved of duty shortly after.

[B]

Did you actually. Did anyone try to sue you? Were you accused of any crime of manslaughter or anything? Yeah, murder.

[C]

No, I wasn't. I was not charged with murder.

[D]

Conspiracy.

[B]

Oh, boy. That's my husband. He's in a different room. That's my husband, Doug.

[C]

I was not charged with conspiracy. I did. I did. You know, I had. I paid a small fine.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

I, you know, had to spend some, you know, some restitution.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

But you know what? After that, I got my focus up, and then I started working in security and put myself through school. Right. And, you know, and that's in. You know, found a great place down here. You know, they would hire me as a general contractor.

[B]

And where's that?

[A]

Okay, so you worked security to pay for school, then you became a general contractor.

[C]

Yeah, I'm a general contractor.

[A]

Okay, let's put a pin in the career for a moment.

[C]

Great.

[A]

Because I would like to get some things straight on the incident itself at the Walmart.

[B]

Oh, good, good.

[D]

Yeah. Okay.

[A]

They're throwing stuff like food and climbing on fruit stands. Hitting people. Even.

[C]

Even babies.

[B]

They were hitting the babies in the.

[C]

Head with the multiple.

[A]

They were hitting people.

[C]

Multiple babies. There was a.

[A]

They were hitting them with fruit. They're throwing fruit and it's hitting people?

[C]

No, with their. With their hands.

[A]

With their hands.

[C]

Putting their hands. Oh, no.

[B]

What?

[C]

Going toe to toe with these babies.

[B]

How is that possible?

[A]

You're saying. You're saying they're hitting babies and like. Like punching. Like, clothes squaring off.

[B]

Oh, no.

[C]

She. The babies.

[B]

My goodness. This is absolutely.

[C]

It was very violent.

[A]

I mean, that is very violent.

[C]

And I said, that's why, you know, obviously, I'm like, we got to get the police involved here.

[B]

I understand.

[C]

And I wish I would have had that idea to call the police myself. And that moment. Moment.

[B]

I mean, I. Yeah, I would. I do. I do wish you had, because I think, you know, this would be very. It might be a different situation depending on. If you call them.

[C]

They're all the babies got their licks into.

[B]

Now, see, when you said toe to toe, that imply there was any kind of fair fight. And what does that mean? You saw a baby punch an adult back? What? No. Wait a minute.

[A]

Were these guys hitting at a sort of baby level of strength?

[C]

Yeah, I mean, they were junkies. They were junkies.

[A]

You say they were junkies? Yes. And that they even had a brief case. And what you said, Anything could be in there.

[C]

Anything could be in there.

[A]

Did you ever Find out what was in there.

[C]

It was actually a lamp that was too long to fit in the brief case. Kind of like Mary Poppins. So they opened it up and when they pulled it out, it was like a bunch of stuff in there. A ridiculous amount of just sort of like light hearted fun things.

[B]

That is not what I expected.

[A]

No, I didn't expect that either.

[B]

Like something magical. Definitely didn't expect something magical.

[A]

I thought it would just.

[B]

It makes me have a lot more questions. Questions now like who are these people?

[C]

Turned it turned out they worked for the cable company is what I found out later.

[B]

Okay, well, I can't stand those people who hang outside the side the store and ask me how my cable is.

[A]

Oh, I didn't know people were doing that.

[B]

Oh yeah, they are.

[C]

Oh, they do that all the time.

[B]

It's the worst.

[C]

That's how they get you.

[B]

That's how they get you.

[A]

Did they get you jump.

[B]

They almost got me. Thanks to Doug. That was the one conspiracy theory that he morgan me about the cable. Ever talk to the cable companies?

[D]

Yeah, Combo taught me that.

[B]

Oh, yes.

[A]

Oh, Combo, Yes.

[B]

Not toil your buddy Combo to deal.

[D]

No, he's not a part of it anymore.

[A]

A part of what anymore?

[D]

Basically anything.

[B]

Probably for the best.

[A]

Rip toil.

[D]

No, no, he's still healthy and happy.

[A]

Okay.

[D]

He's just not.

[A]

He's not part of.

[D]

He decided to not be part of anything. He.

[A]

He recused himself from the friend group.

[D]

He's still a friend. He's just not participating in.

[C]

Is he still in the group chat?

[B]

That's a good question.

[A]

He stopped participating in society.

[B]

That sounds. Makes me concerned for him actually a little scary. Does he have himself locked in a room somewhere in a house?

[D]

He has good arguments for it.

[A]

For dropping off.

[B]

I'm sure he does at this point.

[D]

He makes some good points.

[A]

I don't doubt Combo's trying to do his own sort of illegal cable hookups.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

He doesn't like these official guys muscling in his actions.

[C]

Yeah, I understand.

[D]

Basically.

[A]

So yeah, they worked for the cable company. How did you discover this?

[C]

Well, I. Again, again, this is, you know, as I. As I did my own investigation. Yes. When the cops wouldn't show up, I went outside. I realized there was a truck there from the cable company and that the. The access that they needed was above the fruit stands, which is why they're.

[B]

Okay, but then why. Okay, fine, that explains why they were there. Why were they throwing the fruit at people? Is this because of there's happened to be cable Gu. They were still overdosing, I think.

[C]

I think they may have been bumping the fruit. Just kind of bumping it.

[A]

The fruit may have just been falling.

[C]

The fruit may have been falling.

[A]

Right.

[B]

So then, but then, but the fact that they were probably high as kites, that's why they were starting to try to hit the babies. And maybe since they weren't. Didn't have all the faculties, maybe they didn't. Maybe, maybe the babies did hit harder. Maybe they missed a lot of swings because, you know, you're not thinking straight.

[A]

I'm going to posit something here.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

And tell me if this sounds plausible.

[D]

All right.

[A]

What you witnessed was two people installing cable for some reason in the Walmart.

[D]

Because.

[A]

Does it?

[B]

Well, I mean it has.

[D]

Certainly sounds like it does now.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

You can watch all the games at Walmart.

[B]

I did not know that.

[A]

I mean it kind of makes sense for if you have TVs on display.

[B]

Oh, okay, sure. If not all the Walmarts have a tech department, but yes, the ones that do. I think that one does.

[A]

The one we have, it's pretty, it's pretty big. Walmart where sort of like bleeds over into the church. Like if you walk through the Walmart long enough, you end up in the church.

[C]

Yeah. You can go through a connected wall.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

They share a wall.

[A]

Used to be catacombs. So I think what you may have witnessed is two employees from a cable company installing cable in the Walmart and they had to climb, climb up atop these fruit stands, which they should have moved.

[B]

They definitely should have.

[A]

But I see there's sort of like a built in ladder on the side of the shelving and I think fruit was just falling and maybe hit some people and with the babies, I wonder if they might have just been playing with the babies.

[B]

Oh, now you're thinking that Ani was truly, grossly mistaken as to what he saw.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I don't know. What do you think say to that, Mr. Bonani?

[A]

Oh wow, he's really.

[B]

He's got that look again.

[A]

Another shutdown.

[B]

He's got that look again. Bert, I think you really, when you.

[C]

When you, when you punch someone.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Do you normally have a small little jiggly rabbit that rattles in it and you shake it a couple times before you, you know me.

[B]

No, no, I'm never holding. Am I holding like a baby toy? No, not. But I've never punched anyone, so I'm not a good person to ask.

[A]

I haven't punched anyone in years.

[C]

That may have been what was happening Right.

[B]

So you mean that the cable guys were actually being nice to the babies and were sort of saying hi to them and, and picking up a toy maybe in their.

[C]

I mean, if I look back at it through, you know, your eyes, the way you, the way you explain it makes me think perhaps I have gone a little bit too far past asked.

[A]

Oh, and do you think instead of saying we can't call the cops, they said we're not going to do that or we don't need.

[C]

Well, that's. But that's the same thing, right? I mean to say we're not. I'm say. To say sir.

[B]

What does it say?

[C]

Sir, stop bothering me. I'm not going to do that. And we can't do that. Are the same thing.

[B]

Oh, that's a different note.

[A]

We can't call the cops.

[B]

But now he's adding a sir, don't bother me that maybe they said that back to him. That's.

[C]

Don't bother me again about this. Those are the cable guys.

[B]

Oh, wait a minute. What they.

[A]

Is this a memory that you having.

[B]

That they said this is important information?

[C]

This was all just stuff that at the time now, now I look back, I can go, oh, my goodness. At the time, I thought this was just more cover. I thought this was more cover for the fact that there was no functioning police department in our town.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

Those are two separate things.

[D]

Maybe they were installing landline with the cables and they couldn't.

[A]

Oh, and they couldn't what?

[D]

So they couldn't call.

[A]

Right, I see.

[B]

Ani, I have two. I have two questions. Can I ask. I don't know if there's a date on this post. When did this happen?

[C]

First of all, this was a couple weeks ago.

[B]

It was a couple weeks ago. And second of all, I need to know. I think we need to ask, how far along are you in this militia situation?

[A]

Yeah, that was my next question because I'm concerned.

[C]

I'm pretty deep.

[D]

I'm pretty.

[B]

What does that look like?

[A]

How many pot committed? What does that mean in this context?

[B]

Financially?

[C]

I put a lot of money into this so far.

[B]

Oh, no.

[C]

A lot.

[A]

Where did this money go into?

[C]

I had to get uniforms. I had to hire uniforms. I had to hire.

[A]

I don't know if you need to wear uniforms anymore. It seems to be a thing of the past.

[B]

But what do uniforms look like, just out of curiosity?

[C]

Well, we have a. We have a summer, spring and fall.

[B]

And winter season collections.

[C]

You know, the weather swings.

[B]

Sure, the weather swings. We always say that here in Ding Ding.

[D]

Need a spoon. Uniform.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, yeah, spoon.

[B]

Famously. The only. Only to Dignity Falls the fifth season.

[C]

I've signed a lot of contracts.

[A]

Oh, how many, how many people are involved in this?

[B]

Yeah, yeah, that's what I need to.

[C]

Know that I've, that I've hired because, you know, it's partially, you know, paid, partially volunteer. Oh, that's why I'm here. Is looking for the community.

[A]

How about the community combined number?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Okay. 26 people total.

[A]

Wow. How many of those are paid?

[C]

20.

[B]

Okay. Okay.

[A]

And six volunteers.

[C]

Six people have volunteered.

[B]

Six people volunteer.

[C]

Tentatively. Tentatively. I mean, it's all, you know, are these people.

[B]

Do you, Are you guys training already? Are you, do you have weapons?

[C]

I have been training. I have, I do have weapons. Oh, no, I've spent a lot. I mean, obviously, as you can see imagine, that's where the lion share of my money has gone. To weapons.

[B]

To the weapons.

[C]

Weapons and the vehicles, you know, obviously. Well, you can't, you can't. I mean, how are you going to police a city without, without vehicles? You know, so I need, obviously the day to day, you know, vehicles.

[A]

How many vehicles?

[C]

You know, Jeep. I, I got a, I, I got a fleet of.

[B]

What kind of car?

[A]

Jeeps.

[C]

The initial order right now it's 50. The order is for 100. We have another more than 100.

[A]

Okay. You only have, have 26 members.

[B]

You don't even have enough people to drive them.

[C]

I understand, I understand.

[B]

But I want to know what kind of vehicle.

[C]

Well, we, we got a great deal. Oh, we got a great deal on some Teslas. And so we had a fleet. The main lion's share of them are just, you know, sort of Tesla model, Model Threes that are outfitted with a, with, with lights and decals.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

And then we have, and then we have about.

[A]

What do the decals look like? What do the decals look like?

[C]

The decals sort of, kind of make it look like it's a, like a bit of a, like a cartoon.

[B]

Oh.

[C]

You know, so it's like, if it's like.

[A]

I don't know what you mean.

[B]

I don't.

[D]

It seems pretty whimsical for the whole car.

[C]

Yeah, there's like a little bit of an outline around it. You know, like there's, there's eyes you could put on the headlights. Okay.

[A]

Like that. What's the point of that?

[B]

Have reindeer antlers on either side of the windows too.

[C]

And for the winter. In the winter you could have those that you can apply on the winter.

[A]

Okay. I don't know that that was necessary. This is part.

[C]

Here's the deal. I want to be a full. I want to be a militia. That's of the people, for the people, by the people, with the people and the people, all the people and of the people. And to the people, beside the people, alongside the people.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

With the people, at the people.

[A]

I think we've hit all the pre.

[D]

What about Among.

[C]

Along the people?

[A]

Vicino al legente.

[C]

What's that?

[A]

Oh, that's Italian.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Near the people.

[B]

Forget you grew up in medium Sicily.

[C]

But we got a couple jeeps.

[B]

Okay, A couple jeeps.

[C]

And we got. We got. So basically three outfitted SWAT vans in case of, you know, large things, you know.

[B]

Why. Why.

[C]

Why are you assuming some Kaiju show up? You know, we will.

[A]

Large situation.

[C]

We will be prepared. Probably not to stop the situation, but at least to slow.

[A]

Sure.

[C]

The Kaiju until another Kaiju that's friendly to us.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, fingers crossed.

[B]

And you say you got a deal. Who gave you. Where'd you get this?

[A]

Hurts.

[C]

Rent a car.

[D]

Hurts.

[B]

Hurts. Really?

[C]

They had to offload a bunch of Teslas.

[B]

Oh, yeah, I get it. I get it.

[A]

All right.

[B]

So can. Do you have the pro. Do you live on a big property? Where do you live in town?

[C]

I live above the. I live above the hardware store. Oh, downtown. Okay.

[A]

Well, which one? Because on. Are you talking about where Hardware Row is? Downtown?

[C]

Yeah. Hardware Row. Yeah. So you know how Hardware Row is? Those row of hardware shops.

[B]

Yes, yes.

[C]

And then above it, a lot of them have those false roofs like Disneyland. Well, one of the guys a few years back, you know, kind of filled out that false roof with a small room. And I've kind of been in there.

[B]

But where are you. So then you certainly can't be keeping all the vehicles and the weapons up there. That sounds small.

[C]

I'm putting. I'm putting a lot of money into renting some. Some property off, you know, right outside of town. Oh.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

So that's what. It's just like a field or it's.

[C]

And like I said, I've only gotten a few of the trucks and all these things. A couple of the other things are going to be coming later. I've been in touch with this guy who's just got this great hookup who's going to be sending me all of this stuff. And he promises it's going to be here any day now. He says any day now. He's.

[B]

Do you have a contract with him?

[C]

Do you sign anything with Him, Verbal. I mean, you know, we're doing this.

[B]

Verbal, I don't like this.

[C]

You know, I can tell by your face you think there's probably an issue with this, and.

[B]

Yes, well, yes, I do think so.

[A]

What kind of stuff are you getting from this?

[B]

Are you. You're talking about. This is where you got the. The cars from?

[C]

He's the cars guy. The guns guy. He's taking care of pretty much all the shipping.

[A]

Well, that's nice.

[B]

I mean, yeah, super great.

[A]

That is.

[B]

That is a deal.

[C]

Well, he's not paying. Sorry? He's not paying for the shipping.

[A]

He's just.

[C]

He's just entering the information in.

[B]

Okay, Got it.

[A]

Well, but that's.

[B]

That's such a tiresome task.

[A]

I don't want.

[C]

I mean, I have to fil. Out. He sends me a thing that I fill out and then I mail it back to him. So I'm doing. I'm filling it out, but he's. He's organizing it. You know, he's quarterbacking it.

[B]

Okay.

[D]

Okay.

[B]

Quarter.

[C]

Backing it.

[D]

Quarter.

[B]

But here's the thing. I'm not sure. I think you might need to put a pause on this militia because I think a lot has now come to the surface about how you might have been very misunderstood in what you actually were watching.

[A]

Also, how many of the things that you've paid for have you received?

[C]

We have received 10 cars. Honestly, more than I was.

[B]

Yes, exactly.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And they're just on that lot outside of town.

[C]

They're a lot outside of town. I haven't been out to check them out yet.

[B]

Oh, dear.

[C]

But I've been told that they were dropped off.

[B]

Oh, no. So you're just taking this person's word for it? Ani, I don't know about this.

[D]

No.

[A]

Ani, I don't know.

[B]

Do you. Do you have. Are you married? Do you have children? Are you alone? Do you live alone? What's your situation?

[C]

The last one. The last one.

[B]

You live alone?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

No kids?

[B]

No kids.

[C]

Not married. I was close once. Very close.

[A]

Oh, really? What happened?

[C]

Very close? Well, she just didn't want to go out on a second date.

[B]

Oh. So that was very close.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

That's as close as you've gotten so far to being married.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

Great first date.

[C]

Great first date. Sure.

[B]

Oh, dear.

[A]

What did you do?

[B]

If I would like to.

[C]

To know that I took her to. You've heard of. What's it called? It's where you.

[D]

You.

[C]

You pull in and they take all the old oil that's in your car.

[B]

Jiffy loopy loop.

[A]

What. What was the reasoning behind that?

[C]

Huh? Oh, I had a little light on in my car.

[B]

Did you have a different plan for her? But then that happened. So then you changed your mind or did you think, No, I just.

[C]

Those two things lined up kind of at the same time and I was like, this is perfect. She's going to love this.

[B]

But don'. That was all you did and then you dropped her off.

[C]

Yeah. Oh, well, yeah, I'm a gentleman.

[B]

Okay, so.

[C]

Meaning hook up on the first date.

[B]

Oh. But I mean, did you take her up for food or anything after?

[C]

Yeah, we had some food in the car while they're doing.

[B]

No, don't say it was just like a half empty bag of chips or something that you found on the ground.

[C]

The full bag. Full bag of chips.

[A]

Okay. Small little car.

[C]

I call it a car. A carnic.

[A]

A caric.

[C]

A carnic.

[A]

Oh, Picnic. But in the car.

[C]

A picnic inside your car.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

All right.

[D]

I like that.

[B]

Of course you do, babe. Of course you love the idea of a carnick. We'll have to do it sometime.

[D]

Yeah.

[B]

Well, I think that's the most positive thing that's come out of this so far.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

Because otherwise by a long shot.

[A]

Absolutely.

[B]

I'm worried. Have you. Have you. In terms of like, the cars arriving, Someone told you they were there? Okay, we don't have any confirmation. We really don't have hard.

[C]

I'm thinking, I'm thinking this is a scam. I'll be honest.

[B]

Well, because I'm also asking, what about the volunteers? Have you met any of these people? Or did these people just say, yeah, I'll be there through a text or online.

[A]

Yeah, one second, honey. Okay, great question, Joe.

[B]

Okay, thank you. I thought you were saying, one second, honey to me like that judge who got caught telling the lawyer, honey, one.

[A]

Of the greatest things that's ever happened in history.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That. I put that right up there with Adele in terms of wonderful things that happen on planet Earth.

[B]

Okay, so the question is, have you understood. You understand the question? Have. Have you met any of this so called militia in person or confirmed them in person?

[C]

Not yet, but. Well, one. My neighbor. My neighbor is. Is. Is in. So he. It's him. And then, yeah, the rest are all. All kind of communicating. I mean, now that I think of it, they're all kind of. It's all coming from the same email.

[B]

Oh, dear. What? What. What email is that?

[C]

Well, it's. It's. I think it's like a Joe. Joe. Not.

[A]

It's Not a Dutch Mo address, is it?

[C]

It is, yeah. It's a Dutch Mo address.

[D]

No. Oh, man.

[C]

No.

[A]

Those are scams, for sure.

[B]

You're.

[A]

You're the schmo in that situation.

[B]

I think so. I'm. I'm really sorry. Oh, no, but why? Because you actually have. Have you paid out money to anybody already?

[C]

I borrowed money.

[B]

Oh, no. But wait, you have friends? No. Family. Who have you borrowed from?

[C]

I borrowed from a couple guys that I heard about.

[B]

I would love to hear about. There's nothing concrete in this person's life.

[C]

Everything not good. These are bad guys.

[B]

This is terrible. I'm very concerned for you.

[C]

You know, we got. I figured a sure thing. I. I'd set this up. The city would. Would go, oh, great, a police force will fund you because we don't have one.

[D]

Well, truth is, we don't really need one.

[B]

Well, I don't know.

[D]

Well, I mean, we don't need more.

[B]

You can argue they're not very effective. I don't think we do.

[A]

I like to think that I maybe had a hand in reducing the crime rate here because of my true.

[B]

Because Burnt would put go bags all over town so that he could have snacks at night while he looked for people who were about to do crime.

[A]

I would try. It was a preventative measure where I would hide out in a place where I thought a crime was likely to happen. And then the plan was, if somebody started to do a crime, I would jump out and yell, hey.

[B]

That was it.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Because I think most of the time, that's all it takes.

[B]

Sometimes people just scatter. Maybe you did contribute.

[C]

Well, if I could just speak from my experience as a law enforcement officer. That's a great idea.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

You mean if at any point the person holding the bag of donuts had said hey to you, you might have noticed shot them because that. That was the crime you were about to do.

[A]

I don't know if it works on the police.

[C]

No, I was stopping a crime. But. But had I just said, hey, what are you guys doing?

[B]

I see. You wish you would ask that.

[A]

Perhaps.

[B]

Perhaps I'm forgetting that it wasn't obvious to him that they were just exchanging donuts.

[A]

Yeah, they weren't exchanging donuts. I think one person was just buying donuts.

[B]

Yeah, that's true. I guess that's what I meant to say. I don't know.

[C]

You know what I forgot, though, is that this donut shop, it was called Cash Donuts, and the bag did have two large money.

[A]

O.

[B]

Okay. I'm a little More sympathetic to you, honestly.

[A]

Me too. Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. Yeah, that sounds good.

[A]

Yeah, I was. I was thinking it was impossible, but when you. When you mention that detail, I think.

[B]

That is important, especially if you've just heard about a bank robbery. I get it. I understand.

[A]

You're in a haze.

[B]

You're in a haze. Yeah. You've got one. One goal only. Wow. I don't. You know, we say this a lot. We try to help here on the podcast and say best of luck. And I feel like I need to say more than best of luck. I feel like maybe you need protection, you need legal counsel. I don't know, you maybe need to go to a treatment facility for money.

[A]

Problems, change your name and run away.

[C]

Really?

[A]

He had done so good. He's indebted.

[B]

I mean, Ani Banani really is recognizable.

[C]

I can't give up my name. It's the only thing I have.

[B]

Oh, no. That's so sad.

[A]

Could you at least change it to Bonnie Anani?

[C]

Sounds like a girl's name.

[B]

Oh, boy, we're gonna get hung up. Do you want to live or not?

[C]

Not like that.

[A]

I mean, this is the. The very question you asked. Would you rather lose your job or life over something like that? Oh, wow, the angry emoticon.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You're at a crossroads here, honey.

[B]

That is true.

[C]

Yeah. I mean, my mind's been blown here.

[B]

Wow.

[C]

To be honest with you guys, we.

[B]

Get that a little bit. We've gotten that a lot, actually.

[A]

Not since the. The guy who was stealing the bikes to teach people a lesson. Yeah. Have we had someone kind of sober up in. In the middle of the interview?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And. And so maybe. Maybe we have helped. Maybe this can be a, a, a, a, A red letter day for you. A moment where you decide to change. I don't know either.

[C]

No communist stuff, because I'm not into that.

[B]

Okay. That's not what I meant. But it's a phrase. It's just a phrase. But I didn't mean. I didn't mean it.

[C]

What does the phrase mean?

[B]

You got me there. You know what? I don't know. So point taken.

[A]

Our minds are all being blown.

[B]

I don't. I don't know. I only know what it means. I don't know what it means.

[A]

Yes, exactly. That's exactly right. Well, Ani, we do wish you the best of luck. I do. Fearful for your safety.

[B]

I am asking you in the next time that you find yourself in a moment where you think something crazy or something bad or something dangerous is happening, I want you to take a minute and I want you to take a breath. I want you to look around and I want you to think before you act. Is what I or think before you post. That would be my advice to you.

[C]

I will try to be more mindful.

[D]

That's good.

[B]

And go check on those Teslas because I don't think they're there.

[A]

Yeah, I don't think so. Okay.

[B]

Yeah. But thank you for being here and we really do wish you the best of luck.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

We will return with the neighborhood listen when the neighbor Listen returns.

[B]

Hi everybody. My name is Beth. I have a vintage Clark gable Esko statue, 1974. It's been marked down from $50 to $30. It's a collectible vintage chalk wear chalk. Chalkware. That's two separate words. Chalk and then W A R E statue of legendary actor Clark Gable AKA Red Butler and Gone with the Wind. All caps. Very rare. These chalks were these. Nope. I, I, I'm trying to read my own post so that you all know, but I wrote it very strangely. Very rare. These chalkware statues by Esco are fragile, so there are a fewer of them around now. This has been part of my movie memorabilia collection for over 50 years. But only now did I realize this looks nothing like Clark Gable. I don't know if it's the chalk. I don't know if it's that Esko is just a terrible artist. But even if you look at the actual picture of the actual Clark Gable next to this statue, it looks nothing like him. In fact, I think at this point you would only buy it just to invite friends over and have a contest to see who can guess the closest to to what this statue actually looks like. Because it sure as hell is not Clark Gable. Come get it, please. Thank you.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Well, I hate it when we definitely don't resolve anything and are certainly left with, you know, I'm a little haunted by him, honestly, because he looked like we really had just changed everything in his brain. Everything that he had come to know. It all ended today.

[A]

Yeah. We saw a couple times a look cross over his face that was just abject, I guess. I don't even know what you would call it. Just a terrible realization.

[B]

Absolutely. I don't know if there's any other way to say it. There's no words that really can describe what his face looked like actually. So I'm glad this was pop podcast because I didn't want anyone else to have to see that.

[A]

I'm glad it was pop podcast because.

[B]

I think that it was. Was a pod. See what I did?

[A]

As our old friend Ani would put it.

[B]

Yeah. Boy, I really hope Ani's okay. I hope he's gonna be okay. I think he's going to be.

[A]

No, I don't think he's going to be. I think that he needs to get out of town.

[B]

I agree.

[A]

He's borrowed money from nefarious people for nothing.

[B]

Oh my gosh. He thinks these Teslas are just sitting there. Imagine just taking everyone's word for it.

[A]

He thinks he's got 20 people and six volunteers signed up for this militia. No, but also why would you. Why did your first thought go to militia?

[B]

I. I mean.

[A]

You know what I mean.

[B]

I know. Oh God. Well, babe, I just want to check in with you really quickly.

[A]

I want to know how you're doing. Any progress in any leads?

[B]

Like what? Is there a specific conspiracy you're working on right now?

[D]

Here's the. I don't believe in them no more.

[B]

Oh, you don't believe in them no more. Did though. Did the episode just actually like inspire that change for it all? Also for alter the way you speak.

[A]

You're a character from New Duck.

[B]

You're a character from Huck Finn all of a sudden. I don't believe in them no more.

[D]

Combo called me during the break.

[C]

Oh.

[D]

And we had a misunderstanding.

[A]

Oh, that's too bad.

[D]

He said. He said to me last week, he said your orders were behind.

[B]

What?

[D]

It's coming later. And then I heard the.

[A]

Your.

[D]

The order is behind it.

[A]

Behind it. But did. Did any indication of what it was?

[B]

I'm sorry, I'm still confused.

[A]

What did you order exactly?

[B]

Yeah, what did you order?

[D]

Let's start there new cable package. Of course.

[B]

Okay. But you can.

[D]

He's offering me new wild new cable package.

[A]

How is that?

[B]

We need a wild new cable package.

[D]

I'm me one getting sports from Estonia.

[B]

Okay, well, I don't know that.

[A]

Did you want that?

[B]

Who wants that?

[D]

He makes you want it.

[A]

He's a pretty persuasive guy.

[B]

Yeah. Combo.

[A]

Combo. So you ordered some cable for some reason it's running behind.

[B]

I was going to say is this actual cable? Cuz you're actually nothing arrives. I mean like a cable combo should.

[D]

Arrive and it's need a combo box. Yeah. He needs installed. There's hardware involved.

[B]

No combo box.

[A]

You need a combo box.

[B]

Of course there is. But usually like you know, it's not just supposed to show up at your doorstep. Is doesn't someone arrive with it and install combo? Yeah, like Combo.

[D]

Combo brings it. But he's saying the orders behind.

[B]

But what did you take it to mean? Like a different meaning of orders behind.

[D]

The order is behind.

[A]

Every order is behind.

[B]

Oh, my gosh. Yes. An order meaning like. Like a deep state situation.

[D]

Well, there is. We do have the order.

[B]

Oh, boy. Okay. What do you mean, we have the order? Order. Oh, I can hear his exhaustion in his sigh. I'm sorry, babe, that I'm making you explain something insane again in old dignity.

[D]

They have the order.

[B]

Oh, you're talking about. Those are the same people who have the sick feasts.

[D]

They do have the six feasts. I don't. Oh, no, they're pretty transparent about it.

[A]

Sick feasts. Are you saying six feasts?

[D]

No. Sick feast.

[B]

Okay, all right.

[A]

I did hear six feasts.

[B]

I don't know that it's better. Honestly. I don't know that it's any better.

[A]

Italian Christmas.

[B]

What's the point where they're squeezing.

[D]

Seizing those stolen oranges over all their duck legs and everything?

[A]

Stolen oranges?

[B]

Yeah, remember, he steal. That's what.

[D]

His stole from the orangery.

[A]

Oh, they stole from.

[B]

That's why he had an orangery. Well, no, I think that's why he was building one so they wouldn't steal from it.

[D]

But they are behind a lot of stuff. But it's.

[A]

It's.

[D]

They're pretty transparent with it. So it's not really a conspiracy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

You're talking about the city council.

[D]

Well, yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I don't think they. I don't think they call themselves the order anymore.

[B]

No, certainly not.

[D]

Okay.

[A]

Not just Puritan days.

[D]

Those weren't that long ago, when you think about it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

They're getting further away all the time. They're very long ago.

[B]

I think. I think I'm just gonna read a post because, you know, this is what we're supposed to be doing at this point. I will. And this is just. Everything about this is just a little strange. This is from Cindy from Old Town. She lives in Old Dig.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Looking for an. This is not spelled correctly. Ophthalmologist.

[A]

How is it spelled?

[B]

O, P, H, T, H, A, L. She just got that. You don't.

[A]

Don't need the H. No, that's true.

[B]

It's all right. There's more spelling errors. Doctor. I won't say the last name was my doctor, but most of you know he went on sabbatical and unknown if he will ever return, which is not a sabbatical. In parentheses. Not that I can wait, anyways. And parentheses. I Saw a doctor at Harvard I and wasn't trilled.

[A]

Now, do we think this is from the islands?

[B]

I don't know. Think it's someone desperately in search. Ireland desperately in search of a new doctor. Any and all recommendations would be appreciated. Now, I have so many things about this. First of all, Harvard I. I do have. I. I mean, I. I don't necessarily blame her because our Harvard I. Not Harvard I. Which is what it sounded like I said Harvard. Wow. I surprised no one jumped on it. I mean, I was expecting you guys to say something, but I. I caught it myself, I guess a human being. Oh, give me a break. Harvard I is just. They're. They're real. They pretend they went to Harvard. They did not.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And they are assholes. They are just. I mean, we have a lot of smug doctors here in town.

[A]

There's Alfred, Penance all over the walls.

[B]

They haze you when you go there as a client.

[A]

That's right. They try to induct you into a secret society. They try to get you staffed on the Simpsons.

[B]

So I don't necessarily blame her for not being trilled. I don't know what the trill is all about. But what I want to know is why she can't wait anyways. What is so wrong? Because if something's so wrong, then just go to the urgent care, you know? Do I. These people that go on that come on here onto the neighborhap, you know, with some sort of medical issue that clearly she can't wait for. That's like how call someone, call 911, walk into an urgent care, get help immediately.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I don't understand that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, and also, she kind of sounds like a conspiracy theorist if she thinks that this doctor's on sabbatical. And, and also there's no such thing as a sabbatical. Unknown for an ophthalmologist. Yeah. Second of. Second. Second of all, I thought professors went on sabbatical talk.

[A]

I thought so too.

[B]

Not ophthalmologists.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Also will forever want to know what the difference is between an ophthalmologist and an optometrist. Is it surgery? Usually it's something like one does surgery. What doesn't.

[A]

I believe that it is. And an optometrist tests your vision has a lot of the same overlap of knowledge, of course, as an ophthalmologist, but I think an ophthalmologist really is the surgeon of the eye.

[B]

And that's the thing. If she needs an ophthalmologist, then she should definitely shouldn't just be waiting around, around. If she, if she can't wait to find a proper person, then something's really wrong.

[A]

There's also. There's other doctors at Harvard. You know, at Harvard. I want ask one of them.

[B]

There are other doctors and they practice in other types of medicine. Even though it's under Harvard eye.

[A]

That's true.

[B]

Under his eye.

[A]

Under his eye.

[B]

That's what it says when you enter.

[A]

That's right. Because it was. It was supposed to be H apostrophe.

[B]

S. Oh, so I was right about Arvid. You can almost say that it should be pretty pronounced that way.

[A]

I didn't make that connection.

[B]

But I will say I forgot about the H part. I just heard apostrophe A and not. Oh, I was right. Harvard. I. It's like that cheese havarty. That's a fun one to say.

[D]

It's a fun one to eat.

[B]

Doug, you topped me. It sure is fun to eat. Fun to say and fun to eat. What can you. How many foods can you say that about? Well, monster also Monster. I don't think monster is fun to eat. I think monster's gross.

[A]

What?

[B]

Sorry.

[A]

I think monster's boring. As is the show.

[B]

Babe burnt.

[A]

A rare. Babe burnt. Doug.

[B]

It's a rare. Babe burned. Well, no, no, no, no. That's it. You go. You go ahead. It's time. I'm sure it's time.

[A]

I think that's it.

[B]

Yeah, I think that's it. Cindy, we can't help you. I think you need to go to an urgent care.

[A]

Yeah, Cindy, how about, I don't know, try Zocdoc or something. I will say that this is the end of this episode of the neighborhood.

[B]

It is Pleased. Thank you for listening.

[A]

If you would like to hear ad free versions of the episodes and or gain access to our bonus content, then you can go to cbbworld.com and sign up on the Maximus tier and that gives you access to that extra stuff.

[B]

I don't have anything.

[A]

Oh, and you can follow us on Instagram. Erton Joan. That also means you can follow us on threads if you know what's going on over there on Threads. God love you.

[B]

Threads is wild.

[A]

Threads is.

[B]

I don't know what's going on.

[A]

I'm not quite sure.

[B]

Nope.

[A]

You know you're scrolling Instagram that says so and so posted a thread you might like. And then you go, look at that. And like, I don't know who this is and why this would be interesting to me.

[B]

Also I don't know if this is just me, but every time I get a thread it's like breaking news, urgent and it's always from two days ago. I'm not falling for it anymore. I'm not falling for it anymore. I'm not doing it.

[A]

Good for you, Joe.

[B]

I'm not clicking. No, no. I'm doing it.

[A]

They don't deserve your clicks. They haven't earned them.

[B]

That's right.

[A]

All right, well, goodbye and bye.

[B]

All of the posts used in this episode were real. Only some geographical specifics have been changed.

[A]

The Neighborhood Listen is hosted and produced by me Paul F. Tompkins and me.

[D]

Nicole Parker and me Brett Mor.

[B]

This episode's guest was played by Colton Dunn.

[A]

The Neighborhood Listen is a production of Comedy Bang Bang world.

[B]

Go to cbbworld.com to unlock the entire history of the show ad free as well as brand new full length bonus room episodes exclusive to Maxima subscribers. Your support keeps the show.