← The Nerve with Maureen Callahan
The Nerve with Maureen Callahan
Meghan Markle, Ryan Reynolds, Oprah and Others Compete with Fellow Offenders at The Nerve Awards!
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The Inaugural Nerve Awards are here! After much consideration and deliberation, Maureen Callahan, Team Nerve and the Troublemakers have submitted their choices and the time has come to reveal which cultural offenders will take home their very first Nerve Award. Does Jennifer Aniston have what it takes to win in the category of Worst Actress in a Hate-Watch? Can Michelle Obama out-dim her fellow podcast competitors? Which Nepo spawn is most deserving of being top Nepo? And will we ever hear from Stedman? Watch and find out! Wild Alaskan Company: Get $35 off your first box of wild-caught, sustainable seafood—delivered right to your door. Go to: https://www.wildalaskan.com/NERVE Vandy Crisps: Ready to give MASA or Vandy a try? Get 25% off your first order by going to http://masachips.com/MAUREEN and using code MAUREEN. CovePure: Give the perfect holiday gifts with CovePure and get $250 off at https://CovePure.com/NERVE
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Before the trophy and bragging rights are rightfully yours. Before your sleeper turns. In a season no one saw coming, before stats and projections turn into points on the board and your lineup falls perfectly into place, you flip the lid on a can of on nicotine pouches. And as you make your first pick, you know this is the season where fantasy's going to surpass reality. It's on. Products for tobacco consumers 21 years of age or older. Warning. This product contains nicotine. Nicotine is an addictive chemical.
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Hello and welcome to the 2025 inaugural Nerve Awards. I am your host, Maureen Callahan. I'm here with my co host Teddy Van Halen. And now is the long awaited time to give proper recognition to all those recidivists who really have it coming. In fact, we've actually furloughed some of our top repeat offenders to join us here on set, even if just in effigy. We've got Bill Maher who really, really made it clear how much he hates red lingerie. We've got Violet Affleck from her masked up appearance at the UN and we've got Greta Thunberg with her bangs. Marlena got Greta's bangs. We've also got Meghan Markle's psycho vision board which allegedly existed long before she ever met Harry. And we have our Stedman Graham crime board. It's our Homeland board of his last known whereabouts and our prime suspects in his disappearance. And we have an update here because this has gone from a search and rescue mission to a search and recovery mission. We all know what that means. And we're going to. We are going to have a. We're going to go live with what we understand is a secret mission that may or may not involve the United States military to recover Stedman's remains. Now, of course, it would not be the Nerve Awards without other categories that no other award show would ever dream of conceiving, let alone doling out. So. Are you ready, Teddy? Are you ready? Are you ready? Let's go. Do you second guess the nutrition, taste and sustainability of the seafood you bring home. Introducing Wild Alaskan. Their seafood is 100% wild caught, never farmed. Which means no antibiotics, GMOs or additives. Just clean, nutrient rich fish that supports healthy oceans and fishing communities. Wild Alaskan Company delivers perfectly portioned wild caught seafood straight to your door. I can attest to I love Wild Alaskan. Their fish is frozen right off the boat. That locks in flavor, texture and nutrients like omega 3s, which are so good for you. Every order supports sustainable harvesting practices and their flexible membership includes expert tips and feel good seafood. My personal favorite is the wild sockeye salmon. It's rich, it's buttery and it's incredibly fragile fresh. The best part? You can try it risk free. And if you are not completely Satisfied with your first box, Wild Alaskan Company offers a 100% money back guarantee. No questions asked. Just high quality seafood that you can feel good about. Not all fish are the same. Get seafood you can trust. Go to wild alaskan.com nerve for $35 off your first box of premium wild caught seafood. That's wild alaskan.com nerve For $35 off your first order. And thanks to wild alaskan company for sponsoring this episode. We begin tonight's awards with the category called arsonist, career or otherwise. Our nominees are John Hamm for setting fire to a frat pledge back when he was in college and getting away with it. Ryan Reynolds for burning down his elementary school in Canada and getting away with it. Meghan Markle for torching what was left of her reputation this year. And Jeremy Irons for this contribution to the culture.
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Could a father not marry his son?
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Well, there are laws against incest.
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It's not incest between men.
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Incest is there to protect us from having.
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In breeding.
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But men don't breed, therefore they so incest wouldn't cover them.
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Now if that was so, then if I wanted to pass on my estate without death duties, I could marry my.
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Son and pass on my estate to him. I gotta give it to Jeremy Irons again. He did not just defend incest between fathers and sons, but he mentioned that there are some great tax breaks involved. Now our winner for arsonist. Oh, sorry, Teddy. Don't be afraid. These people are getting nowhere near you. Arsonist, career or otherwise, is. Ryan Reynolds. Ryan Reynolds, who actually burned an entire elementary school down to the ground and got away with it for years. Congratulations, Ryan. Now our next category, Homicidal celebrity maniac of the year. And trust me when I tell you this One is packed. It is packed. Our nominees are Elizabeth Gilbert, the self help author who wrote about her plans to murder her dying girlfriend in her sleep by switching out her chemo pills and then smothering her to death with a pillow. Priscilla Presley, who has been accused in a lawsuit by two former business partners of prematurely pulling the plug on her daughter. Lisa Marie, who had left as her stated wishes that she wanted every extraordinary measure taken to preserve her life. And upon unplugging Lisa Marie's vent allegedly reportedly said I am the queen of Graceland now. Gary Jerry of the Golden Bachelor, whose first wife died of a mysterious illness and who I believe was cremated awfully quickly. Alec Baldwin, who got into a car crash in East Hampton a few months back on the heels of barely getting away with the shooting death of Rust. Cinematographer Helena Hutchins. Matthew Broderick, who we revisited for having killed a mother and daughter in a head on collision in Ireland and then buying a house just miles from where it occurred. Oprah and Gail, currently the prime suspects in the disappearance of one STEDMAN Graham and JFK Jr. Who we took to our wood chipper at the end of CNN's three part documentary proving our case that he absolutely was engaged whether he was dialed in or not on a murder suicide mission the night he killed himself, his wife and her sister. And the winner of Homicidal Maniac of the year goes to. We think it's the beginning of a sweep we do. It is Oprah and Gail who as of now has gotten away, we think with murder. Now again, as I stated, we are getting incoming word that a secret live military op is going to begin imminently and we will cut to it as soon as we can. And we have a hot tip on the whereabouts. Stedman Graham or what's left of him. Now on to our third category, nerve clapbacks. We are very proud here at the Nerve to say that we've only been around for eight months, but we're certainly striking some people where it hurts. We begin after our Mini, which you guys loved on Tracee Ellis Ross's solo travel show in which she proudly dry brushed every single limb in first class. Tracy clapped back. Our second nominee, Sarah Jessica Parker, who we said was never reading on a subway, not reading on a subway. No New Yorker is going to read on a subway train. And, and within like a month we got this. The New Yorker inaugurated what it called its mini interview series in the fall. As far as we can tell, it's clear they're ripping off the nerve. It's cool. And then there were no shortage of New York Times headlines. We believe inspired by the Nerve. And we'll show you a few. Trump's wrecking ball strikes a nerve. The troublemaker behind Netflix's biggest gamble at Hammer Museum. A hammer lacks nerve. And Jack Schlossberg's seemingly since aborted series that he seems to have also scrubbed from his Instagram account, Ask not with Jack Schlossberg. And the winner for Nerve Clinic Flatbacks is. Tracy Ellis Ross. Tracy, you won something, okay? You won something. And you know what? Tracy the Nerve has two special episodes upcoming inspired by you. And you know what? It's a travel show. And it's a travel show. Done right. And we took a little. We took a few cues from you. You know, my travel buddy and I, we. We brought some dry brushes to a wholly inappropriate place. So we hope you'll enjoy at watch and give us your feedback. Teddy just flung his hat off. He's already over it. He's already over the bullshit. Joining us now to present the award for best worst actress in a hate watch, the one and only Tim, the celebrity makeup artist. It's Tim McKay. Welcome, Tim. Hi, Maureen. Hello. You look beautiful. Well, thank you, Tim. Thank you. Can I just. I need a powder. I'm a little shiny. Sorry. The excitement has already, you know, taken its toll. You look amazing. Oh, you are the. You are the best. Now, Tim. Tim's the real deal, by the way. He's not, you know, one of these, like, you know, people are always just like, oh, you're so great. You're so great. You're so great. He will. He will always correct you if you need it. Okay? Now, best worst actress in a hate watch. This was a very, very tough category, Tim. Now, you and I went through these hate watches together and we talked to the troublemaker community about them. Would you like to. Why don't I. Why don't you read the nominees and then I'll share the winner with you and we can react together because we don't know who it is. Okay. Very exciting. Well, the nominees for best worst actress are. Sarah Jessica Parker, Jennifer Aniston. And Claire Danes. This is tough. Now we had Sarah Jessica Parker, our favorite sprightly 900-year-old heroine. I've never experienced a man seeing me as smart first. Sexy? Yes. Cute? Yes. Humble? No. Ed. We believe her terrible hero. Her terrible acting definitely contributed to the early death of. And just like that, even though they claim it was an artistic decision, we all know the truth. Jennifer Aniston. Tim, you perhaps More than any guest this year. Really identified Jennifer Aniston's tics. Oh, oh, this is like her main one. She loves to do a hand to the head. Oh, okay. What are we not thinking of, Chip? Come on. Who are we not thinking of? Who could help? Come on, there's gotta be somebody we can call. Okay, look, she's just the best with her. Can you do her stammer, please? I, I, I, I, I. No, I mean, I feel like I could be up there with Best Worst Actress too. Well, yeah, exactly. That's exactly the point. And our, our third is Claire Danes, whose Cry Face has reached critical mass. America is a weary nation. We would like her to dial it back just a little. Right, like every, Every feature on the Face at once kind of. Yes, one of those. I think you believe the lie and I think he resents you for it. And we think it's a flex to be like, hey, look at the rest of you bitches. I don't get Botox. I'm that dedicated of an actress. And she is acting. She's, she's putting all of it onto that face. All of it. It is a lot. And the winner in this very crowded category, the first. I can't say first annual, it's the inaugural, inaugural Best Worst Actress in a Hate Watch goes to. Sarah Jessica Parker. Congrats, Sarah. Congrats for killing an entire franchise with your raging ego and your insistence that you're just a sprightly girl of 28. Thank you, Tim, for joining the Nerve Awards. We look forward to our hate watch in 2026. As discussed, it's Emily in Paris. Thank you so much, Maureen. Thanks for joining, Tim. And now for the nerves very special Sex Crimes against the Culture award. We know there is only one winner of this category and he has been befouling all of us from his subterranean Club Random where I often say I can't believe any celebrity goes but females, especially without luminol and a blue light. And in honor of Bill and all he has given to women this year from defending Sean Diddy Combs in an op ed on real time and blaming all the women who got beaten the shit out of for not leaving right away, to telling Drew Barrymore that she was still super fuckable, to telling Barbara Eden what onlyfans is and using the word masturbating in front of this non ajarian classy legend, Bill, not only do we have you in the red lingerie that you made very clear on Club Random that you will not abide in the boudoir none of your female friends are allowed to wear red lingerie because you don't like it. And you know what else? We really gave this some thought because we talked about here at Nerve hq. But you know, Marlena and I especially what kind of hanger Bill would allow a female guest to use in his house. And then we realized he doesn't even have anyone around long enough to actually even ask them. And so what Bill would do would hand over one of the cheap dry cleaning wire hangers and tell especially anyone who dared to cross that threshold wearing anything red, you could hang it on that. Okay, now we are going to search because I do not think that there is a television studio. Bill Maher has not befouled coast to coast. We are going to search for evidence that Bill Maher also self admitted masturbator. Before any given show, before any given real time episode, he's got to jerk off to get himself in the mood. We are going to search. We've got our luminol and we've got our blue light and we've got our sperm tracker and here we go. And lo and behold, okay, I know whereof I speak. There is evidence that looks like evidence of Bill Mars. Can I say splooge? Would you guys be offended if I said that that's what that is? Okay, Marlene is telling me I can say it. You know what? It's time for intervention number two. Marlena. Okay, Bill Maher, consider yourself the winner. The winner this year of the ultra special sex crimes against the culture award. And here's you keeping it going in 2020 26. We will see you after a minute. Ever read the label on a typical chip bag? It's a science experiment of seed oils, msg, dyes and vague natural flavors. Vanity Crisps is part of the growing movement to bring back real food. They're made of just three ingredients. 100% pesticide free. Potatoes, sea salt and grass fed beef tallow. No junk. They taste amazing and they leave you feeling light, energized and satisfied. No crash, bloat or mindless binging. And if you love Vandy, you will love Masa chips, Vandy's sister brand. Their three ingredient tortilla chips are the best I have ever had and I consider myself a connoisseur of Mexican food. 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We are back. As discussed, breaking news, there is a special ops mission to recover the remains of one Stedman Graham. This is a segment we are calling 0BARK30. We have heard now we have word the Apache helicopter is within seconds of landing at this compound at an unnamed location in the Middle East. And it comes. And it comes in. It comes. It's going to hover and attempt to land without detection. Can it do it? Can it do it? This is make or break. We've only got one, one helicopter on this mission. Can we land? Can we do it? Let's get down quietly. Oh, beautiful landing. We're a little bit off the mark, but it's a beautiful landing. Teddy is now donning his night vision goggles. We're going in. We're going in. We believe that Steadman Graham's remains have been left at this compound in Abbottabad. Okay, now this is a nerve award category celebrity appendage or plus one most in need of a SEAL Team 6 extraction. And if you recall, in Zero Dark Thirty, there was a dog on that raid by the name of Cairo. An hour nerve raid on this compound. Our special dog on this mission is one Teddy Van Halen. There's nothing this dog can't do. And he's been devoted to sniffing out wherever Oprah and Gail left Stedman. And so our nominees are of course, Stedman Graham. Our second nominee in this category is Thomas Markle. And our third is brother Craig of the Craig and Michelle Obama. In my opinion, podcast the winner is. I mean, I don't even need to open an envelope. It's Steadman. That's the whole point of this rig. Now, Teddy is about to go in and to see if he can find the remains and or any evidence that Oprah and Gail have been there. Here we go. Teddy. Teddy. All right, you can do it without your night vision goggles. Go for it. Where are they? Where are they? You see them? You see this?
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Look.
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Velveeta cheese, TGI Fridays. What a designer handbag. We've got a Slurpee, a Pizza Hut order. These two have been ordering Grubhub. You know, they may be on Ozempic, but Teddy is, so. You're not very good in the field. Dude, you did better in training. He really doesn't want any part of this, and I can't blame him. I will, however, give you some cheese that those two Ozempic fiends left behind. They're shame eating. Anyway, Steadman's remains, nowhere to be found. But we do have a lead. This is progress. We have evidence that Oprah and Gail have been here, so we're onto them. We're getting closer and closer by the day. Next up, we have. What is our next award? Well, we've got to let Teddy go and change back into his black tie. So let's let him exit this crime scene with his dignity. Bye, Ted. Thank you for your service. Well, we tried. Nobody has a thing to be ashamed of. And the Apache helicopter is going to take off for safe return back to its base. Oprah and Gail, this isn't the last you're going to hear from the Nerve. Okay? Now, moving on, we have Black Tie Teddy returning to help present our next nerve Award of 2025. Come on back in, Ted. Seems you're a little bit worse for wear. You've been through a lot, but you're doing beautifully. By the way, did you guys notice Teddy has actual tails on this thing? It's amazing. Okay, I won't. I won't put the hat back on. Don't worry. Now our next award is Dastardly Duo of the Year. Again, the competition for this one is fierce. Our nominees are Oprah. Oprah and Gayle. Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds. Blake Lively and Taylor Swift. Kristin Dax Shepard. Jennifer Aniston and her hypnotist boyfriend, Jim Curtis. Teddy can't stand any of these people. Lauren Sanchez and Jeff Bezos. Bill Belichick and Jordan Hudson. And last but not least, Meghan and Harry. And the award for dastardly Duo of the year goes to. I mean, it was a landslide. Oprah and Gail. Where's Stedman? Where's Stedman? Where's Stedman? Stedman, if you are alive for the millionth time, my man, please get in touch. Okay, moving on. Most unlistenable podcast of 2025. We have only three nominees. This is a lean and mean category. Our first nominee was with her second iteration of a podcast, that ray of sunshine known as Michelle Obama. Big ways. You're chewing annoy me so much. Let's discuss Jamie Kerr and Lima. Hi, and welcome to the Jamie Kern Lima Show. And if we're just meeting for the first time, Hi, I'm Jamie. And Chelsea Clinton. Is it just me, or are things really weird right now in the world of public health? I'm sorry, I forgot. Nominee number four. Of course, who else? Also, her second iteration of a podcast, Meghan Markle. I'm Meghan, and this is Confessions of a Female Founder. And our winner of the 2025 Nerve Award for the most unlistenable podcast of the year. Purely for tenor and tone, content aside, inane though it may be, it is one Jamie Kern Lima. Congratulations, mindless bitch. You just won a Nerve award. Okay, now onto the award for befouling the lexicon. I have got to put Teddy down. He's dying over here. It's okay, Teddy. Run free. The award has three nominees. Pretty sure. I'll check my notes, but I'm pretty sure, yes, three nominees. First up, the cocaine clause. Now, the cocaine clause was introduced to the lexicon as it was announced that Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban were getting a divorce. And according to their prenuptial, various reports hold that this clause stipulated that Keith Urban would receive between 600,000 and 900,000 for every year of the marriage and in which he remains completely sober from drugs and alcohol. And if he was passing his blood and his urine tests, Keith is in receipt of, it looks like $11 million conservatively. Word number two, befouling the lexicon. Felching. This word was introduced to us in the unfolding unending Olivia Newsy RFK Jr scandal. Olivia's ex fiance, Ryan Lizza, has been penning multiple accounts of their relationship, and he basically outed RFK Jr. And Olivia Newsy as enthusiasts of, if not actual practitioners of felching. According to AI Urban Dictionary, felching is a sexual practice. If you have children around, get them out of the room immediately. Involving the oral suction or licking of semen from a partner's anus. Ask Bill Maher all about it. Often after anal intercourse. I'm not saying Bill. I'm not. Calm down. And belching carries significant risks for transmitting sexually transmitted diseases. What else? Who wrote this? Now, it can be an act of intimacy or a fetish for some. Either way, it is considered an unsafe sex practice. And our final word introduced to the lexicon this year, Learns. And that came to us via one Meghan Markle. In interminable interview after interminable interview in which she talked about what a brilliant entrepreneur slash female founder she is. Learns, by the way, is not even a word. And we are building a mini word shed wing as we speak. The winner for be fouling the lexicon is. I mean, this is such a tough category. It's got to be. Well, I'm going to give it to the cocaine clause. I think it's inventive. I think it is revolutionary and I love the alliteration. Okay, next up, the Kennedy Widows Award. And again, the competition is fierce. These are women who have had some dealings with the Kennedy family, whether affairs or marriages, what have you. And the competition is who was the closest to the most famous male Kennedy going. Our first nominee from the JFK Jr. Three part quote unquote documentary series, former real housewife of New York City, Carol Radziwill. John was like resigning to the fact that Anthony was likely not going to make it back to the city at the end of the summer. And then John broke his foot. That was just a disaster. For nearly breaking into tears over John Jr. Breaking his foot in yet another wholly preventable accident he caused while some guy she married was dying of cancer. That is the work of one Carol Radziwill. Next up, Olivia Newsy, as discussed, who has been peddling her memoir that nobody wants to buy, sold like a thousand copies in its first week out. That is bad. Okay? That is a bomb, bomb, bomb. She has been cosplaying as Carolyn Bessette Kennedy. And once you see it, you cannot unsee it. And our third nominee, Cheryl Hines, who has been asked very dainty questions about her husband's sordid behavior, allegedly. And this is her response. When you see rumors or speculation about your marriage, how do you keep your cool and decide what's worth responding to versus what's just noise? I think you always have to consider the source. And the winner in this very difficult category for ultimate Kennedy Widow of the Year. Not that Cheryl's like a technical widow, nor is Olivia, but you know what I'm saying, it's metaphorical. Our winner is Carol Radzwill for pretending to be a bastion of journalistic integrity while weeping all over the CNN airwaves about a guy she barely knew, in my opinion, or while her real husband was actually dying of cancer. That is. Class, class, class. We move on. We move on to our Dwarf Minds Award of 2025. And we begin. The thread continues would be Kennedy scion Jack Schlossberg. Dear President, our next nominee is Lori Laughlin, who, according to Page Six, in the run up to her divorce from her longtime husband Massimo Giannulli, went to the strip club that her husband frequented all the time to interrogate the strippers as to what her husband was doing there. Our third nominee, George Clooney. George Clooney, who loves to pretend to be a journalist, loves nothing more. And he did an interview with CBS Mornings. Or was this 60 Minutes? I don't remember. But anyway, George was talking about all the substantial work he tried to do. He's not just a pretty face, but he's trying to bring peace to war torn nations. It doesn't always work out. Here's George Clooney.
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I worked on trying to help solve.
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Some of the problems in Darfur in the early 2000s.
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Failed.
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You failed more often than you succeeded.
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And the award for Dwarf Mind of the year goes to Jack Schlossberg, who's currently running for Congress out of like the 12th district of New York. Now, as, as we continue. This is a thread. This is a, this is an emerging thread. The nerve loves to pull it threads. Our next category, Nepo spawn of the year. And trust me, they are all failures. We begin. Apple Martin, daughter of Gwyneth Paltrow and Coltplays Chris Martin as she attempts to launch a singing career. Okay, that's, that's enough. That truly, it sounds like an animal dying alone in the wild. Our next nominee, Violet Affleck, who appeared at the UN masked up to demands that the rest of us mask up forever. And finally, Jack Schlossberg in his role as Vogue's political correspondent during the election of 2024, asking Doug Emhoff this deep, original and incisive question. Hi, I'm Jack. I'm here with two amazing gentlemen. The second gentleman, Doug, and the original gentleman, Gentleman Dave and I invented a game and I wanted to see if they would play with me. Cool. It's called condiment or sauce. Okay. Ketchup. Condiment. Food group. Good, good point.
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Sauce.
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Ranch dressing. That's enough. That's enough. We got the point. The winner of Nepo Spawn of the year. And again, this is a tight, tight category. The winner is Violet Affleck. Violet wins for originality and inventiveness. It's certainly easy for the daughter of a pop singer to decide she's going to become a singer. Just as it's easy for the scion of a political family, disgraced though it may be, to try to inject himself into presidential politics. But, but, but for a celebrity spawn to decide that their mission in life is going to be showing what I believe is a mental illness to the world entire and using the borrowed fame of her parents to go to the UN behind a mask and demand without a shred of humility or self awareness that the entire planet mask up because it would make her inner child feel better. Violet Affleck. And you know what? You're going to be the first winner who we're going to actually present with a solid, Solid Nerve award. Okay, this is the real deal. If you would like to collect it, let us know your best mailing address. Moving on, the hottest heterosexual couple who definitely has lots of enthusiastic, hot heterosexual sex. Barry Diller and Diane Von. And here is Barry on his CBS interview earlier this year. It seems to me like one of the points you're trying to make in the book is that it doesn't have to be a mutually exclusive thing that you can be in love with Diane and at the same time be attracted to men. Yes.
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I don't see anything mutually exclusive about that now. I mean, other people may, but I don't.
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As the Nerve said in one of our very earliest episodes, that is actually the very definition of mutually exclusive. He likes having gay sex with other men and he happens to be married to a woman. Okay, Those two things are mutually exclusive. Our next couple, Uma Abedin, who probably is still the body woman bodywoman to one Hillary Clinton, and Alex Soros, son of Democratic megadonor George Soros. Let's look at them on their wedding day as discussed when we covered this marriage originally on the Nerve. If these photos do not say hot, crackling sexual tension, I don't know what does. And our third couple, Senator Cory Booker, who surely is not running, looking at 2028 for a presidential run. And his new bride, Alexis Lewis, who looks maniacally happy, not at all unnaturally so. And they're not trying to sell this to the rest of us or themselves as a totally organic, beautiful, mutually attracted relationship whatsoever. So to the winner of the hottest heterosexual couple of 2025. The winner is Barry Diller and Diane Von Furstenberg. Because at least Barry said it. Okay, he's eliding the real truth, but at least he said it. Now on to an award that truly deserves to be given. The Abortion is My Favorite Pastime award. And again, the competition is fierce. We have Cynthia Nixon, who was photographed and posted herself on Instagram wearing a hat that said, make abortion great again. And word was that when. And just like that was on the bubble for being renewed. For being renewed. Excuse me. HBO execs saw that and they were like, we're done here. Lily Allen, the British pop star who sang about her abortions and then on her podcast said that she had so many, she lost count. And wasn't it all great abortions? I've had a few, but then again, I can't remember exactly how many. Really? Yeah, when this come up in last week's episode, we were just talking about abortions because I was just letting you. You run with it, reveal everything. I can't really. That's enough of that. That's enough of that. I could. Seriously, I could. It's tough. Disgusting. It's so disgusting. Our third and final nominee, Abortion is My Favorite pastime. Chelsea Handler got pregnant a couple times when I was a teenager and got abortions. Thank God my parents had the sense to make sure that that happened. And thank God. Okay, that's enough of that. That's enough of that. And we. And by the way, Chelsea is the nominee because it's not just what she's saying, it's the way in which she's saying it. Yeah, I got pregnant a couple of times and I got abortions. You know, I'm going to bet it was more than 2. But anyway, we have got to crown our winner. The abortion enthusiast of 2025 is Lily Allen. And Lily wins this award conscious for her utter heartlessness and complete just disregard of exactly what she's done, but for celebrating it like it's something to be proud of. And you know what? Take your new album about getting your heart broken by your sleazy husband and shove it up your ass. Okay, now the award for the most creative blaming of whitey. You know, there's no competition. There's no competition. I think you and I know who this winner is. But we should revel for a moment in one of her most egregious talks of 2025. Here we go. Let me explain something to white people. Our hair comes out of our head naturally in a curly pattern. So when we're straightening it to follow your beauty standards, we are trapped by the Straightness. That's why so many of us can't swim. Michelle Obama, for your efforts this year, you win the tiniest blow dryer of the year. Use it and blame white women all day long. Now, one of our most most anticipated categories, the repeat offender quote of the year award, number one, Gayle King. Here we go. Have you all been to space? Have you been in space? Nominee number two, Meghan Markle. Jack in the Box. Because my mom loved their tacos. I don't think anyone in the world knows that Meghan Markle has eating Jack in the box and loves it. Funny too that you keep saying Meghan Markle. You know, I'm Sussex now. Nominee number three, Megan Markle. When you anchor into your own knowing. Nominee number four, Whoopi Goldberg. Yeah, I think it's very different to live in the United States in 2025 than it is to live in a rock. Not for everybody. Not if you're black guys. And the winner, the award for most. Oh, sorry, that was creative blaming of whitey. That was only one nominee. Quote of the year, Nerve quote of the year. The winner is. Gayle King. Gayle King wins not only for inspiring your faithful troublemaker in chief to join one Megyn Kelly on our own space for flight, but it's about to get Gail fired and liberate America from her presence on the morning airwaves of cbs. We will be back with three of the biggest awards of the year after this. Are you searching for that thoughtful holiday gift? Covpure water purifier, is it? I have one of these and I love it. Cove Pure lets you select hot, cold or warm water instantly. No more waiting for the kettle. Hydration is key, as we know, but we don't always meet our body's daily needs. Cove Pure sizing, however, makes it their sizing presets make it effortless to do so. Just hit the 16 ounce button a few times a day and stay on track. Plus, the water tastes pristine. It's pure with no aftertaste. And most importantly, Cove Pure is lab certified to remove up to 99.9% of contaminants like PFAS, pharmaceuticals, fluoride, lead and arsenic. So if you're looking for a gift that's good for your loved ones and that they'll actually use, don't think twice. It's Cove Pure. And because the Nerve has partnered with COVID Pure, they're giving our Troublemakers a special 250 Dollar holiday discount with link covpure.com/ nerve. That's C-O-V-E-P-U-R E.com nerve to get 250 dollars off covpure.com nerve hurry before the sale ends.
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And now for our biggest, most important and consequential nerve awards of the year, our Sympathy award, our consolation prize, which fittingly did not arrive in time. And so we're going to show you what it looks like. But trust when I say the physical award is well on its way. It is the Rock On Award and we are giving it to Brother Craig, Brother Craig for your service. We all see you in pain on that podcast. We see the fear in your eyes every time Michelle Obama has something to say or contradicts you, contradicting her, or casts a dirty side eye your way. We see you're suffering, Brother Craig. And you know, the Rock On Award, it's kind of got a double meaning, you know, because it's like he could also just sink like a stone. I don't know why brother Craig hasn't gotten himself off that podcast. I wonder if the contractual obligations are just that strict. Next up, our photo of the year. And I said to Team Nerve that no matter who what, I don't care what kind of war torn image you've got. This is the photo of the year. And a troublemaker gave us this appellation, this play on Shakespeare's King Lear. This photo is King Lear. L, E E R, as in Prince Harry. That drunken. Just my opinion. Oak leering at Kris Jenner's rack at her 70th birthday party, while Meghan Markle smiled maniacally like the idiot she is. She'll overlook anything. We're a duchess now. Okay? Cultural offender of the year. Cultural offender of the Year. And when I saw this trophy, I said to Marlena, I don't care what it costs, because it is perfect. It is for our. Our offender, who began 2025 with a jaunty Instagram post. A reel, rather in black and white, of her, all in white, running towards the shore in Montecito and scrolling 2025 and underscoring it with a flourish, a calligraphic. Is that a word? Calligraphic? Whatever. A kind of calligraphy flourish in the sand. Meghan Markle, who ended the year by finally getting a letter to her father who had a leg amputated in the Philippines, basically saying, in some substance, fuck off, we're not reconciling. And I'm off with my husband to a luxurious New Year's vacation. Reportedly, allegedly Cultural Offender of the year goes to one Meghan Markle. And we love this trophy because it looks demonic. It looks like an ancient ruin one might visit and say to oneself, those people worshiped the devil. The goat trophy, the greatest of all time. Megan, you know you had many, many, many, many failures this year, but consider yourself a winner here at the Nerve. And this thing is going into the archives and it will come out every single major event we cover. Okay, now our final award, the Teddy Award. And I must show it. It is the Teddy Award. And we will show a full screen of this because he looks so dapper in his black tie. The Teddy Award goes to Teddy, who served so many roles and put himself in. In mortal danger in the attempt to find Stedman Graham. Teddy, you are the hero of the Nerve this year. Yes, you really are. You really are. You get the Teddy Award now before we end our inaugural ceremony. And I can't think of a better way to. You know, we've got new nerves coming. Don't worry. We've got some new Nerves next week for you. But to close out this ceremony and what has been a year that has exceeded our wildest hopes and expectations at the Nerve. You know, the Nerve is nothing without the Troublemakers and without all of your contributions. Behind me here is artwork by none other than Paul from New Zealand. And I'm going to read a poem that was written by a Nerve superfan named William. William, you know who you are. And William has contributed more than anyone knows to the Nerve already. And he came to visit Nerve Central a few months ago. And with him, he brought a poem that he had written. And he calls it, it's the Night Before Christmas. But it's nerve style. And so I would like to read it to you now. I will read this to you in character as none other than Mrs. Cocaine Claus. And here is the beautiful, beautiful. Look at the effort that William put into this. You know, we're going to show it on socials, and we'll full screen it. It's just incredible. So here we begin. Troublemakers, gather round. Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the Nerve house, not a troublemaker was stirring, not even a mouse. The wood chipper was snug and tucked in its bed with visions of chipping fakirs dancing in its head. When what to my wondering eye should suddenly appear but a miniature woodshed and eight tiny nerve deer at the helm of the shed. There was such a great sight this troublemaker saw, who he calls Saint Maureen, happily shouting into the night. Now, Oprah and Gail, please go tie her shoes. Oh, Duchess Meghan, with your runny jam and flowers, you fake. Don't you know by now no one wants your as ever, cake to Blake, who cried a big sorry fat foul. Let's go, Tracey Ross. It's time for your final skin shedding bow. These are but a few who have fallen so low. These beasts of our culture are off to the wood Shipper you go. And on top of our roof, I heard the prancing and steps of Nerve Paws. And suddenly Saint Maureen was down the chimney, leaving me in. Aw, that's so nice. She stood there in front of me. William wrote this. Okay, I did not secretly write this. And it was such a beautiful sight. Her blonde hair was blazing on the starlit Christmas night. And there to her side was Megan Hope. And one link Mark said hello with a total big wink. Behind them stood tall was Tim with his magic makeup hands. I knew for certain I was surrounded by those who were the prettiest in the land. William, you're so sweet. Saint Maureen shared some truths that I still carry with say what you mean and mean what you say, otherwise you'll end up in the wood shipper One day without further word and a twinkle of her nose suddenly up the chimney, Saint Maureen and all the in tow rose. She sprang into action as the wood chipper gained traction. On this Christmas Eve night it was to see some big action. But then as she came, they all left in a quick dash, exclaiming to all as she drove out of sight. Happy holidays, troublemakers, and to all a good night. And that does it for our inaugural Nerve Awards. We had the most fun putting this together for you and we hope you had as much fun watching it. Come back and see us tomorrow for the Mini Nerve. It's one of your favorite subjects and you haven't seen it in a while. And you haven't seen this friend of the Nerve in a while. And we love it and we think you will too. That drops on YouTube at 10am Eastern. And the Nerve, the nervy traveler. We went on the road and we've got those adventures coming to you during the holidays. And for now, here is a sneak peek. Welcome to the Nerve's very first travel edition. Oh wow. What a magical place. This is really nice. We're headed to the island of the Dolls. It does feel a little much. The pyramids of Mexico. I'm taking my inspo from none other than Tracy Ellis. There's no place in the world you can't dry brush, right? We got the beat. We got the beat. We got the beat. Suck it. Tracee Ellis Ross. Try to do that with a real Go Go. We cannot wait to show you what we got up to in Mexico City. And if you haven't already, check out our substack@thenerveshow.com Be sure to subscribe. It's super easy and it's tons of fun. Plus Nerve Merch. Grab something for yourself or pick up something for a fellow troublemaker. We've got holiday editions at the Nerve shop the nerve rather.com it's shopthenerve.com also. The nerve is now available on Megan's podcast Playlist every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 9am Eastern on Sirius XM channel 111, the Megan Kelly Channel. We will see you tomorrow for the Mini and then again next week right here at the Nerve, where you will never guess what we're about to say next.
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