Podcast Summary
The Nerve with Maureen Callahan
Episode: Meghan Markle, Ryan Reynolds, Oprah and Others Compete with Fellow Offenders at The Nerve Awards!
Date: December 19, 2025

Episode Overview

In this riotous, no-holds-barred inaugural “Nerve Awards,” host Maureen Callahan and co-host Teddy Van Halen roast pop culture’s most notorious repeat offenders from Meghan Markle to Oprah, Ryan Reynolds, Bill Maher, and more. The episode puts a satirical spin on a traditional awards show format — complete with ludicrous categories such as “Arsonist: Career or Otherwise,” “Sex Crimes Against the Culture,” and “Dastardly Duo of the Year.” Maureen brings her signature sharp wit and skepticism, lampooning celebrity scandals, media melodramas, and the questionable characters who dominated 2025’s headlines.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Purpose of the Nerve Awards

• Maureen frames the ceremony as long-overdue recognition for “recidivists who really have it coming.”
  • “Now is the long awaited time to give proper recognition to all those recidivists who really have it coming.” (03:08)
• The “awards” honor absurd, cringeworthy, or outright infamous behavior — not achievements.

2. Major Award Categories & Winners

Arsonist: Career or Otherwise [03:55–05:12]

• Nominees: Jon Hamm (frat fire), Ryan Reynolds (allegedly burned down his Canadian elementary school), Meghan Markle (for burning her reputation), Jeremy Irons (bizarre comments on incest for tax breaks).
• Jeremy Irons’ memorable quote:
  • "Could a father not marry his son?" [05:12]
• Winner: Ryan Reynolds
  • “Ryan Reynolds, who actually burned an entire elementary school down to the ground and got away with it for years.” (05:54)

Homicidal Celebrity Maniac of the Year [06:04–07:30]

• Nominees: Elizabeth Gilbert (alleged murder plan), Priscilla Presley, Gary “Jerry” (Golden Bachelor), Alec Baldwin, Matthew Broderick, Oprah & Gayle (for Stedman Graham's disappearance), JFK Jr.
• Winner: Oprah & Gayle
  • “It is Oprah and Gail who as of now has gotten away, we think with murder.” (07:29)

Nerve Clapbacks [07:53–09:50]

• Nominees included Tracee Ellis Ross (clapped back after being roasted), Sarah Jessica Parker, The New Yorker, and NY Times for headlines that "strike a nerve."
• Winner: Tracee Ellis Ross
  • “Tracey, you won something, okay? You won something.” (09:33)

Best Worst Actress in a Hate Watch [10:11–12:53]

• With special guest Tim McKay.
• Nominees: Sarah Jessica Parker (for "And Just Like That"), Jennifer Aniston, Claire Danes.
• Memorable moments:
  • Maureen and Tim mocking Aniston’s “head touch” and “stammer.”
  • On Claire Danes’ acting: “Her Cry Face has reached critical mass.”
• Winner: Sarah Jessica Parker
  • “Congrats, Sarah. Congrats for killing an entire franchise with your raging ego…” (12:45)

Sex Crimes Against the Culture [12:53–15:56]

• Sole Winner: Bill Maher
  • Accused of “befouling” television studios and sharing gross anecdotes about celebrity guests and sex, including his ban on red lingerie and self-admitted pre-show masturbation.
• Memorable quote:
  • “We are going to search for evidence that Bill Maher… before any given real time episode, he's got to jerk off to get himself in the mood…” (14:44)
  • “Can I say splooge? Would you guys be offended if I said that’s what that is?” (15:25)

Celebrity Appendage or Plus-One Most in Need of a SEAL Team 6 Extraction [20:05–22:55]

• Zero Dark Thirty spoof: Live “special ops mission” to find Stedman Graham’s remains. Comedic play-by-play with Teddy in night vision goggles.
• Nominees: Stedman Graham, Thomas Markle, Brother Craig.
• Winner: Stedman Graham
  • “That’s the whole point of this rig.” (21:55)

Dastardly Duo of the Year [23:30–24:55]

• Nominees: Oprah & Gayle (again), Blake Lively & Ryan Reynolds, Meghan & Harry, and more.
• Winner: Oprah & Gayle

Most Unlistenable Podcast of 2025 [24:55–25:50]

• Nominees: Michelle Obama, Jamie Kern Lima, Chelsea Clinton, Meghan Markle.
• Winner: Jamie Kern Lima
  • “Congratulations, mindless bitch. You just won a Nerve award.” (25:44)

Befouling the Lexicon [25:50–28:50]

• Terms:
  • Cocaine Clause (Kidman/Urban divorce)
  • Felching (RFK Jr. & Olivia Nuzzi scandal)
  • "Learns" (Meghan Markle’s fake word)
• Winner: Cocaine Clause
• Maureen: “I think it is revolutionary and I love the alliteration.” (28:49)

Kennedy Widows Award [28:50–31:20]

• Nominees: Carol Radziwill, Olivia Nuzzi, Cheryl Hines.
• Winner: Carol Radziwill
  • “For pretending to be a bastion of journalistic integrity while weeping all over the CNN airwaves…” (31:18)

Dwarf Minds Award [31:20–33:10]

• Nominees: Jack Schlossberg, Lori Loughlin, George Clooney.
• Winner: Jack Schlossberg
  • “Currently running for Congress out of like the 12th district of New York.” (33:08)

Nepo Spawn of the Year [33:11–35:14]

• Nominees: Apple Martin, Violet Affleck, Jack Schlossberg.
• Winner: Violet Affleck
  • “Violet wins for originality and inventiveness... for a celebrity spawn to decide that their mission in life is going to be showing what I believe is a mental illness to the world entire...” (34:52)

Hottest Heterosexual Couple Who Definitely Has Lots of Enthusiastic, Hot Heterosexual Sex [35:17–36:40]

• Nominees: Barry Diller & Diane von Fürstenberg; Huma Abedin & Alex Soros; Sen. Cory Booker & Alexis Lewis.
• Winner: Barry Diller & Diane von Fürstenberg
  • Barry: “I don't see anything mutually exclusive about that now. I mean, other people may, but I don't.” (36:34)

Abortion is My Favorite Pastime Award [36:41–39:34]

• Nominees: Cynthia Nixon, Lily Allen, Chelsea Handler.
• Winner: Lily Allen
  • For openly celebrating the number of abortions she failed to count.

Most Creative Blaming of ‘Whitey’ [39:35–40:38]

• Sole Nominee & Winner: Michelle Obama
  • For a viral hair commentary:
    • “Let me explain something to white people. Our hair comes out of our head naturally in a curly pattern...” (39:45)

Repeat Offender Quote of the Year [40:38–41:55]

• Nominees:
  • Gayle King: “Have you all been to space?” (40:48)
  • Meghan Markle: "Jack in the Box. Because my mom loved their tacos." and “When you anchor into your own knowing.”
  • Whoopi Goldberg: “Yeah, I think it’s very different to live in the United States in 2025 than it is to live in a rock.”
• Winner: Gayle King

Biggest Awards of the Night [45:50–end]

• Sympathy Award / Rock On Award: Brother Craig, for surviving his podcast with Michelle Obama.
• Photo of the Year: Prince Harry “King Leer” at Kris Jenner’s 70th.
• Cultural Offender of the Year: Meghan Markle
  • “Meghan, you know you had many, many, many, many failures this year, but consider yourself a winner here at the Nerve.”
• Final/Teddy Award: Teddy the co-host/dog, for “putting himself in mortal danger to find Stedman Graham.”
• Read with humor and affection, Maureen ends the show with a “Nerve House” themed Christmas poem from superfan William. (47:00–50:45)

Notable Quotes & Moments

• Maureen on the Nerve’s mission:
  • “We are getting incoming word that a secret live military op is going to begin imminently…we have a hot tip on the whereabouts. Stedman Graham or what's left of him.” (07:34)
• On Bill Maher:
  • “Before any given real time episode, he's got to jerk off to get himself in the mood. We are going to search. We've got our luminol and we've got our blue light and we've got our sperm tracker and here we go.” (14:46)
• On Meghan Markle:
  • “torch[ing] what was left of her reputation this year.” (04:35)
  • “ended the year by finally getting a letter to her father who had a leg amputated…basically saying, in sum and substance, fuck off, we’re not reconciling.” (46:20)
• On Ryan Reynolds:
  • “actually burned an entire elementary school down to the ground and got away with it for years.” (05:54)
• On Lily Allen:
  • “Take your new album about getting your heart broken by your sleazy husband and shove it up your ass.” (39:29)

Memorable Segments & Timestamps

• [05:12] Jeremy Irons ponders incest and tax breaks
• [07:29] Oprah & Gayle win “Homicidal Maniac of the Year”
• [09:33] Tracee Ellis Ross wins “Nerve Clapback”
• [12:45] Sarah Jessica Parker “kills a franchise” with her “raging ego”
• [15:25] Bill Maher, blue lights, and “splooge”
• [20:05–22:55] Special ops “Zero Bark Thirty” segment to find Stedman Graham
• [36:34] Barry Diller discusses bisexuality on CBS
• [39:45] Michelle Obama blames white people for Black hair struggles
• [40:48] Gayle King’s quote: “Have you all been to space?”
• [45:50–50:45] “Rock On Service Award,” “Photo of the Year,” “Cultural Offender of the Year,” and the “Teddy Award” — all delivered with tongue planted firmly in cheek.

Tone and Style

• irreverent, biting, sarcastic, culturally literate, and unapologetically “mean girl”
• frequent lampooning of both mainstream and niche figures
• playful use of mock investigative urgency and award show tropes
• frequent callbacks to running Nerve jokes (e.g., Meghan Markle’s “vision board,” Stedman Graham’s vanishing, Teddy’s antics)

Conclusion

The Nerve’s inaugural awards show is a satirical fever dream—equal parts scathing pop culture critique and comedic sketch. Maureen, with her trademark mix of skepticism and humor, skewers 2025’s most egregious media and celebrity offenses, holding up a funhouse mirror to the year’s most absurd public behavior. Across trophy categories from the inane (“Nepo Spawn of the Year”) to the truly mean-spirited (“Cultural Offender of the Year”), no offender escapes mockery, and “winners” receive nothing but a verbal roasting. The episode closes in seasonal style with a troublemaker-penned Christmas poem and teases more travel and mischief from “The Nerve” in the new year.

For troublemakers and newcomers alike: this episode is a quintessential sampler of Maureen Callahan’s fearless, acerbic wit and the unique anti-celebrity ethos of “The Nerve.”