← The Nerve with Maureen Callahan
The Nerve with Maureen Callahan
Meghan Markle's Inauthenticity, Oprah's Meltdown, SJP's Career Crash - The Nerve's 100th Episode
01:11:42
In this very special edition of The Nerve's 100th episode, Maureen Callahan looks back at a full roster of cultural offenders, including Sarah Jessica Parker and her insufferable career, Meghan Markle and her inability to reinvent herself or salvage her reputation, Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds and their failing sabotage efforts, Bill Maher and his undeniable misogyny, Michelle Obama and her questionable statements, and the infinite ego of Timothée Chalamet. She also revisits the origins of The Nerve-y Traveler, Taylor's swift diminishing reputation and takes shots at the top offending celebrity self-help hacks like Mel Robbins, Jim Curtis and more. Jones Road Beauty: Use code NERVE at https://jonesroadbeauty.com to get a Free Shimmer Face Oil with your first purchase! #JonesRoadBeauty #ad Honeylove: Get 20% OFF @honeylove by going to https://honeylove.com/NERVE ! #honeylovepod Cowboy Colostrum: Get 25% Off Cowboy Colostrum with code MAUREEN at https://www.cowboycolostrum.com/...
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Packages by Expedia. You were made to occasionally take the hard route to the top of the Eiffel Tower. We were made to easily bundle your trip Expedia made to travel flight inclusive packages are atoll protected. Hi, I'm chef Franklin Becker. You know the jingle now discover the facts about Ozempic, a GLP one. There's only one FDA approved Ozempic made by Novo Nordisk. Learn about the real thing. Talk to your healthcare professional today. Call 1-8330-OEMPIC or visit ozempic.com to view the medication guide and to learn more about Ozempic. Semaglutide injection, 0.5 milligram, 1 milligram and 2 milligrams. Hello and welcome to your Tuesday edition of the Nerve. This is a very special one. It's our 100th episode Spirit Special. I am your host, Maureen Callahan. I am coming to you from an undisclosed location because Oprah and Gail aren't effing around, okay? And the hundredth episode needed to go off without a hitch. So consider, consider us coming to you from the nerves situation room. You know how they gather in the White House in the situation room and everybody has to leave their phones outside and it's, it's completely bulletproof, bomb proof. We're in a bunker. We are in a bunker and there was also a blizzard. So, you know, there's that. But that would not let us, none of that would let us stop this very special commemoration. Especially because it was so many of you troublemakers who kept writing in, in the weeks leading up to this saying, please, Maureen, tell us you guys are going to do a special 100th episode. We are all so, so excited. And I mean, that's really the reason why. I don't know that it would have occurred to me. I really don't. So I gotta thank you guys and especially the troublemakers who are our most frequent flyers. The Paul's from New Zealand. Paul from New Zealand. You know what I mean? Andy, Kiwi, Natalie from Paris, all of you. Not a single one of you is forgotten here. As you know, if you've been here from the beginning. The nerve launched in April 2025. And we are having quite the growth spurt. You know, it's like we need to go to the doctor and get some meds because it's going so fast. We've added shows to our lineup. We've done a Nerve Awards special. We've done two live streams. We're about to announce a third at the end of today's special. Edition. We've done our first edition of the Nervy Traveler with none other than the lovely, funny Belinda Carlile. We went to Mexico City and we're about to go to the south of France later this year, the spookier side. And you know, we've got several open active investigations, number one being the search for Stedman Graham. And Teddy did get his new recruit over the weekend. So we'll be talking about how that new guy is, is finding his little sea legs. You know, they measure like maybe an inch and a half tall at the moment. But we'll be giving you guys updates, especially on the name. Okay, so today let's get down to business. We are going to take a look, you know, in the spirit of the way that the the networks back in the days of yore when it was just linear television, not even cable tv, most people had like abc, NBC, cbs, and they would do like a special hundredth episode to commemorate, say like any given sitcom or drama, we are doing that. We are doing that and we are going to look back at some of the nerves, I would say sort of biggest, weirdest, wildest, most out of our minds, events, segments, recidivists, what have you. Are you ready? Are you ready? Let's go. Are you searching for makeup that gives your skin a healthier and more radiant look? Try Jones Road Beauty's miracle balm. It enhances instead of masking, giving you that effortless natural your skin but better glow in under skin. 60 seconds. You can use it as a blush, a bronzer, a highlighter, even lip tint. No brushes, just fingers. And go. It is perfect for busy mornings, post workout makeup sessions or travel. Plus it's clean and high performing and it's packed with skin loving ingredients. No phthalates, sulfates, petroleum pegs, cyclic silicones, ETAD or bpa. Basically anything you don't know the meaning of, it's not in there. It's if you want makeup that brings out your natural beauty instead of hiding it, Jones Road is the answer. For a limited time, our listeners are getting a free Shimmer face oil on their very first purchase. Just use Code Nerve at checkout. Head to jonesroadbeauty.com and use code Nerve at checkout. After you purchase, they're going to ask you where you heard about Jones Jones Road Beauty. Please tell them you're a troublemaker and the Nerve sent you. Okay, troublemakers, we are going to begin at the beginning. Truly the first show that the Nerve ever buried, and I mean buried. I will give our little show it was such a baby at this point. It was maybe three months old, but we had taken a battering ram to the poorly constructed pinata that was Sarah Jessica Parker's. And just like that made all the sweeter because she was doing all these media rounds about what a freaking piece of art it was. Okay, first, we are going to look back at our first collective morning session together. This was a moment for all of us. Here we go. Troublemakers, we gather here today to mourn. Actually, it's a celebration, a celebration of bad art that we're all going to be freed from immediately. It's a true nerve ending. The cultural abomination that is. And just like that has been taken out back and shot. Finally, for our proceedings today, I have come with the smallest bouquet of dried flowers, which I think is befitting our sprightly 900-year-old heroine. And I'm going to light an in memoriam candle from our remaining Fox matchbook. Safety first. Well, this light, it's the metaphor for this show, right? It's not lighting properly. All right, we'll have to deal with that later. And before we begin, a nod to our troublemaker Jennifer, the woodshed. We are opening it wide, wide, wide for all of these carcasses. Let's go. Okay. And I also have to take a moment to say get another hello to troublemaker Jennifer, who after sending that absolute work of art that we hung on our very first, first live stream, I believe. I believe we hung it on Emmy night. She put together this. It's almost like a decoupage. Jennifer, correct me if I'm wrong. Email me this decoupage of. Of the woodshed with me standing guard. And then after that, she outdid herself. Jennifer sent another part. She built a whole other wing called the Kennedy wing and consulted with me on it. And it hangs in a pride of place in my personal library. So, Jennifer, thank you for that. Now, if anybody who is a late comer to the nerve and, like, how late can you be, really? We're only like nine months old. This is one of the scenes that we took apart on. And just like that, this is. This is seared into the frontal lobes of anyone who had the misfortune to see it. And remember, remember, SJP was busy making the meeting rounds her prissy little self about, oh, my goodness, what a piece of art this was. And she and Michael, Patrick, Kate and everything they did to just make everything, you know, all about these women who would, like, come into their own and were completely full finally Mature at the ages of like 800, 850. And in carries sprightly 900 year old heroine who for the very first time is engaging in phone sex with the rekindled romance that was a non starter from the very beginning. And this is Aiden. They desecrated the character of Aiden again because no man can resist the charms of our sprightly 900 year old heroine who none of us, and I promise you none of us ever wanted to see. And really what we're watching here is Sarah Jessica Parker because as we all know, she has morphed completely in like a body horror epic for the ages into Carrie Bradshaw. So sjp, for legal reasons, I'll say, as Carrie Bradshaw is masturbating in bed to a late night booty call from the boyfriend who told her that they were going to be physically back together in five years time. They spiritually were still together from now until five years time, even though per his edict, they were not allowed to speak on the phone or email or text, let alone see each other in person. But one night he got drunk and horny and hey, his teenage son Wyatt, who he's going to reference here, may or may not be a school shooter, but what does Aiden give a. He's horny and drunk in the middle of a field in Virginia somewhere. Here we go. Okay, today I. I don't want to waste this buzz on him. I want to talk about you. My kid. That kid can then ache. This man can and does. No, I ache. If I was there right now, I'd be touching you the way you like. You remember how you like me to touch you? I do. Touch yourself. Oh, God, please do not touch yourself. Be me for me. Michael Patrick King hates Sarah Jessica Parker. You. This is such a humiliation. I am. You know how much I love you, Carrie. I love you. Said every guy who ever made a booty call like this. I'm right there with you. What happened? Oh my God. I hit the horn with my knee. I think I might have shit my pants a little. No, no, no. Hilarious. So hot. Don't break the mood. It's so hot. Come on. Right, right, right. Can we? Yeah, come on. I need. And there he goes. He lifts his hand. Oh my God. That. You know, again, Sarah Jessica Parker would have you believe that this iteration of Sex and the City, especially season three and a scene like that is, you know, on par with the great romantic screwball comedies of Hollywood's golden age. It's, you know, it's bringing up baby, it's His Girl Friday, it's the Thin Man. You know, I mean, really. Okay, now this I will give and just like that, credit for one thing. Our absolute abiding hatred of everything this series represented and claimed to be resulted in, I think, some real creativity. And you know, we don't have me in a pizza hat without Sarah Jessica Parker gallivanting or galloping throughout Washington Square park in a version of the Holly Hobby hat that she allowed the stylists on that show, the so called stylist, to tell her was like the height of avant garde fashion. I mean, Pat Field would never. Now, this clip is also notable because it's one of Tim, the celebrity makeup artist's earliest appearances on screen. And we're talking about the final episode which, you know, here we go, Here we go. It's clear that they had to do a lot of just chopping up in the editing to make this feel like a season, sorry, a series finale rather than a season finale. As others have pointed out online, HBO didn't even do them the courtesy of changing the description in the show notes when you go to stream it from season finale to series finale. So HBO was shiving them like, we're not even going to give you the, the pretense of being able to say, you came to us and said, we're such artists and we're so pure in our intentions, you could throw us buckets, more millions. But we just, we cannot do any more with these characters. We must leave their integrity intact. That's HBO saying, no way, sister. No way, mpk. We run the show. We fired you. Now in the wake of that, there were reports that Sarah Jessica Parker was furiously trying to shop and just like that to any network cable like basic cable station or streamer that would have them. And as far as we can tell, those efforts went nowhere. And in case Sarah Jessica Parker is still wondering why, we are going to show our final nerve clip, assessing this corpse, really doing the autopsy in the postmortem. Here we go. Just to get back for a moment to what trash people these are who are creating the show and writing it and producing it. And you know, again, if SJP is like, she's like you know, the basically the co creator at this point with mpk, you know, they're always talking about how they work in tandem as a team. Describe to me the decision. Again, this is an F you to Cynthia Nixon, I believe so. The toilet overflows after one of the guests. We see what was floating in there. The toilet then overflows. We Cut Next to Cynthia Nixon in her very expensive Thanksgiving outfit on her hands and knees, cleaning up the bathroom floor. And, you know, listen, there's no love lost here at the Nerve for Cynthia Nixon, who, as we reported here, what was going around was that HBO indeed had in Just like that on the bubble, because Hate Watch is a hate watch. Eyeballs are eyeballs, which. Which translates to money. But once Cynthia Nixon was seen on her Instagram on a boat in Montauk or off Montauk, smugly sporting a red baseball cap that read, make abortion great again, the execs at HBO were like, that's it. They're done. And they are all trash people in my estimation, because you know, what they did to the viewers. We at least had the decency here at the Nerve to cover up what was in that toilet bowl. But they showed it to all of their loyal viewers. It was floating. A floating turd. And there was a. There was a close up that went on for. I mean, it never should have been shown in the first place, but I believe that was MPK and SJP telling the viewers what they really thought of all of us because we just didn't get the great art that they were busy over there making. So I hope SJP has invested all of her money wisely, because I don't think she's really going to work again in any really meaningful way. Okay, now on to Bill Maher, or as we call him at the Nerve, one William Marr. Because Bill is a little too friendly for a guy like this. Here he is, offense number one, August 2025, talking to Drew Barrymore on his Club Random podcast. If I'm a criminal prosecutor in the court of the culture, this is exhibit A, that this guy has never dated a woman over the age of 30. Okay, take a look. So, menopause. That makes you, what, 50? Yeah, Perry, but you look great for 50. Thanks. I mean, you're still super fuckable. Bill's like, what, 67? So in Bill's world, dudes, no matter how, like, shrunken up and, like, misogynistic and sexist and just kind of like, no offense, Marlena, you know, I do not find Bill appealing in the least, but he's going to be fuckable forever. And Drew Barrymore at the ancient age of 50. Okay, now we're going on to Bill in his lair with one Cheryl Hines, who was on her book tour. And listen, I'm just going to skip ahead because we just got to get to it. Bill gave us a real gift in Letting the women of America know what he will not abide in the boudoir. Here we go. We all contain multitudes. And for Bill, there's only one color of lingerie that he will not tolerate in the boudoir. Let's go. I do not like red on women. You don't? No. And I've had a number of women over the years. There's been a lot of try to impress you with red. Well, they think men are like a bull. Yeah. And if you wear tracks, it attracts like, like red, like blood red lingerie. Such a turnoff. I, I mean I. That was me laughing out loud back then. I laugh out loud every time I see that clip. Now our last one, we didn't necessarily do this chronologically. It was actually also in August of 2025 and this I think was the first episode. We really gave it to Bill. I mean I gave it to Bill early on in his a real time op ed in which he told women who were being abused by their partners that by men if they didn't leave right away, then it was all on them. Like I really, really, really gave it to him. But then Bill committed this crime against the beloved Barbara Eden, who is a 93 year old beloved, beloved Hollywood legend. Again in the lair. No one should ever enter this place without again. Luminol and a flashlight. A blue light. Here we go. You know what? OnlyFans, right? You what? Onlyfans. What that is. Are you my only fan? No, there's a whole organization, the whole website called OnlyFans. Oh, no, I don't know about that. No, no. Oh, no. Sit down. Okay. No, even deeper. Sit even lower. Okay. I'm not grabbing her. He's grabbing her. This is going to come as good news. Okay, well, I mean it's a website that advertises as a place where people can do anything. Show you how to cook or write poetry. It's women masturbating or showing their vaginas to men who are paying them electronically to watch them. Bill went on to explain to Barbara what the delivery system is for payment foreign. We're going to just simply move on. We said all that needed to be said. We're going to move on to the nerves coverage of self help and all the quacks and hacks in the culture that the mainstream media props up. I mean, to my point, Bill Maher recently had our very. The first offender that the nerve took to the woodshed in April 2025. So that was our first month. It was within our first couple of Weeks of existing. Um, he, Bill Maher, had this hack, Mel Robbins, on his show. I think she's a con artist. Okay. I think she's a con artist. He had her on a one on one in the beginning of his show. And he was kind of taking her seriously to a point. And then you could see him turn and to this I just have to say, Bill, I think you're more of a troublemaker than you realize. But, you know, who knows? Here we go. Here we go with our very first attack against Mel Robbins. Again, this entire book. The premise is let them. And the premise is that if a friend group leaves you out of something and you're very hurt, let them. If your boyfriend is kind of being a jerk to you, let him. If your boss refuses to give you that promotion or that raise that you know you deserve, let him. The idea that this is a blanket policy that is applicable to any and every conflict in your life is so moronic. I'm sorry to use that word again, but it's so truly, profoundly dumb. Like, for one thing, I think that anger abides for a reason in the human race. I think it's an evolutionary adaptation. I think in the right moments, in the right doses, it can actually be healthy. It can alert you to something or someone who is not quite right. Now, perhaps the nerve had a little bit of an influence on Mel. It certainly did in the culture, because Mel then pivoted and said, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no. She wasn't only saying let them, even though that was the name of her book and all of her, like, her whole pyramid scheme. Just my opinion. But there was a second part to that self help methodology, which was, then let me let them. And then let me. Let me do something about it. Which runs in direct contradiction to let them square that circle. Again, Mel Robbins, who was once $800,000 in debt, day drinking, take advice from her. Now we're going to go right on over to our very first mini nerve. And. And you know who has that distinction? The one and only Jamie Kern Lima. Here we go. The deities we are meant to worship are these women who do not seem to have some things in their own life in order, including their physical fitness. I'm just going to say it. So let's take a look, shall we, and enjoy this all together. Hi and welcome to the Jamie Kerr and Lima Show. And if we're just meeting for the first time. Hi, I'm Jamie. Welcome, welcome. You'll never forget it. She says it five times. Oprah, how have you Defied. The show is unlike any I've ever done. A revelation. When you listen, it feels like a hug. But your brain and your spirit and your heart is like, wow. Melinda French Gates. When I look into Jamie saw nothing. I feel like I am on some other cosmic level with her. I could see the light around with light. Imagine overcoming self doubt. Look at this, you guys. To believe in yourself and trust your worthy bracelet. Know you are enough. Welcome to the show. Megan, how are you? And are you okay? We'll get to that one later. Okay. Oprah hosted Elizabeth Gilbert in September 2025, and we turned this into our very first dwarf mind satanic summit. Now, Elizabeth Gilbert in her book, the title of which I refuse to give here is talking to Oprah in one of many conversations, because Oprah loves this book in no small part because Elizabeth Gilbert desecrated the memory of her now dead girlfriend, Rhea and also wrote in that book of her true plan. This is written without irony, without the notion that this was a fantasy. She wrote about this as a real plan that she had to murder Rhea because frankly, Elizabeth Gilbert was sick and tired of taking care of this cancer patient who was really just a total effing dragon. Here we go. Oprah's gonna talk about again. Let's. I'm not even gonna set it up. Just listen. I have to say, considering who you are in the world and the world, it's not all that of who you are in the world. This is the bravest thing I've ever seen. It's just the bravest thing because you could have just kept this story to yourself and allowed people to think that you had eaten and prayed and loved and everything was still just perfectly okay. But in, as I said, you have opened up your soul in such a way this doesn't have one free so many people. No, it's not. This book has harmed and destroyed Raya's reputation. It has harmed and destroyed Raya's friends. From what I've been hearing, it has harmed and destroyed Raya's family. I believe there's at least one close family member who is not on board with this book. Elizabeth Gilbert is not opening her soul. And you know why, Oprah? Because like you, she doesn't have one. So fun. At least I have a continuity of thought that ad lib actually turned out at the bottom of that clip. Okay, now it all brings us to this. It all brought us here. I believe this was January of this year. It was definitely 2026. Jennifer Aniston's con artist boyfriend Reportedly soon to be fiance Jim Curtis took his wares over the to the Today show. A booking he's not getting if he's not effing Jennifer Aniston. Let's be real to tell us all how we can self actualize the Jim Curtis way. This is intellectual property. Take note. Okay, here we go. I do know that there are troublemakers at NBC, so I'm just gonna take solace in that, okay? Because I just, I just wish someone would like get in there and like just up with, just with Craig Melvin's car, with the questions, with the prompter and put in a question like this, okay? This, this would, if I worked at NBC, this is, this was, this would be the subterfuge I would be engaging in, okay? Jim says that all of us, no matter where we live, what the ecology of said place is, whether it's urban, suburban, rural, the season, the weather, we should all be looking out for one thing. And of course, we're back to manifesting, even though he just told us we shouldn't be doing that. But now we should. Again, okay, now, again, Craig's face is just going to completely collapse here, okay? And he gets grossly overpaid. Grossly overpaid to act like the legion of dopes who traipse through Studio 1A at the today show are scintillating and smart and interesting. Okay, Listen and listen to and watch this. Last but not least, the yellow fly manifestation. The yellow butterfly manifestation. I challenge most of the people that I work with in my groups. This is an easy one to start with. The yellow butterfly manifestation. Challenge your subconscious mind to find a yellow butterfly. So at night before bed, write on a piece of paper. Remember to see yellow butterflies. Put it on your bedside table when you wake up in the morning, say, I'm so grateful for all the yellow butterflies that I'm going to see today. And in the middle of the day, say, I wonder where these yellow butterflies are. And then let us know, let me know when you start to see them everywhere in your life. Why does that work? Because we're training our reticular activating system. We're training, we're telling our subconscious mind to go out and find yellow butterflies, right? And sometimes people will say to me, well, I'm in Scandinavia and it's winter, I'll never see a yellow butterfly. I say, well, you're kind of attached to how you'll see it, right? Be flexible. Maybe it's in a photograph. Maybe all of a sudden you see it on a paper cup, like all con artists. He's got an answer for everything. Okay, now onto Tracee Ellis Ross. And I again would like to think that the Nerve has had something to do with a once promised season two of her inappropriately named show, solo traveling or solo travel or whatever. With Tracee Ellis Ross not yet coming to fruition at Hulu, Tracee Ellis Ross took three international trips and barely left any of her hotel rooms. What she had to show us first. Let's take a look at this. This icon, this epitome of Hollywood class and glamour. What else she gets up to in first class. Look at this airplane Self care. A little dry brush. Arnica stretch. Air purifier hydrates. This is disgusting. This actually like viscerally disgusts me. She is dry brushing in her cabin in her first class seat. Okay? So what she's doing is she's flaking her just her skin off, and her disgusting skin flakes are going all over that part of the plane. Are you kidding me? So then we all. There was this brainstorm that happened at the Nerve. Tracy Ellis Ross, that vulgarian, that unsophisticated house cat who's afraid to go past the front door of the Four Seasons, gets a travel show. Why can't we get a travel show here at the Nerve to. So the bat signal went up to Belinda Carlisle, who, it turns out, is not just a legend of rock and roll. A go go and a. And a. And a blockbuster solo entertainer. She's also a troublemaker. And she was like, yeah, let's effing do it. So Belinda and I went to the pyramids of Mexico City where guess what we did. Here it is. I will go. I will go pretty far for the troublemakers, but I cannot do that to other people. Nor can I mortify myself in that way. But we thought dry brushing in the pyramids. Why not? Here we go. Totally normal. And if anybody comes by to stop us, it's fine doing this in public, especially at a sacred site. Why not? What better time to exfoliate? Tracy's a true inspiration. Now in Spain, Tracy showed some more sites that are indigenous to the region. You know, obviously the premise of her show is that Tracy's going to be so adventurous and fearless that she's going to show the rest of us who could maybe never afford to or think of traveling in this manner, see some things that will stay with us for life, such as yet another specific, incisive Tracee Ellis Ross observation that has nothing to do with Marbella or Spain or Europe or the purpose of the stated purpose as we have been sold of this entire show. Brace yourselves. Look at that tree. Oh, did you see that tree? It was like a hat. It looked like a hat. She's obviously on the side of a highway. I mean, a tree is a tree, is a tree is a tree on the side of a highway. Highway, highway, highway. But, you know, Belinda and I thought, could we possibly replicate such a rare sight along with the wonder that would come along with that? Here we go. Oh, my God. Cannot believe it. Trees, trees, trees. Oh, my God, it's fall. It's maybe dying, but it's a tree. Oh, I can't believe it. Oh, my God. I can't. Oh, big, big meta. Tall trees. Were there like six of them? This all. You know, I have to give credit to the idea that we could potentially spoof pre existing celebrity bullshit like this to the nerves. Godmother Megyn Kelly, our version of With Love Megan with a Y definitely did way, way better than With Love Megan, the original. So here we go, the OG sketch that started it all. Megyn Kelly and your troublemaker in chief recreating the wonder of Meghan Markle's homemaking skills. So I have to be honest, I've pretty much exhausted myself on the corn and the cob and therefore I went store bought. But these are amazing and you're going to absolutely love them. This we're just gonna put into a different bag. They're spectacular. Wow. Yeah. You bought those? Did you go and buy them in the store? Well, I mean, they were purchased for you. That's the important thing. Yeah, exactly. The thought is everything. Look how easy I can make this. I open them, then I open the bag. Could you? Oh, of course, yes. And then look what I do. Could you open more? Doing that. Okay. And then I just. And then I just. Just like that. Where. Where are you getting all these, like mini brainstorms? What's. I'm so impressed by this. I mean, you have to be a founder to really, I guess, understand it fully. But maybe in the next wave of our friendship, I'll try to explain it to you. So, as it turns out, we did have a next wave of our friendship, despite my inability to wrap my mind around how to somebody could come up with the brilliant idea to decant store bought pretzels into another plastic bag and wrap it up and call that original. We were inspired by none other than the longtime platonic friendship of Oprah and Gail and the way in which Oprah showed up for Gail when Gail almost lost her composure as she went up into space. Let's take a look at the OGs. Oprah watching her best friend go to space. Oprah Winfrey has covering her up reaction to her BFF Gayle King's Blue Origin spaceflight. After a successful launch and the Blue Origin flight exited the Earth's atmosphere, Oprah begins to tear up as seen in the Blue Origin event live stream. The 71 year old touches her face and pulls off her sunglasses as she watches the historic moment. This is the problem with mainstream media. This is the reason the Nerve exists. How you could cover this event with a straight face and just like straight ahead flat reportage is beyond me. That moment called for more, a lot more. And so Megan and again, your faithful troublemaker in chief took up the challenge. Here we go. Please don't call it a ride. When zero gravity left some with zero clue. And we really did go up there, you know, to Gail's imperious questioning. Have you been? Have you been? Yeah, I've been. How long are you going to be at your current perch at CBS Mornings? Here we go. Happening, happening. Feet, feet. It's happening. Oh my God. Taking off space. Well, that's that. That went a little bit longer than we planned. And Marlena will tell you that is not unusual. But there's so much great stuff in our for our hundredth look back. Okay, coming up, we are going to look at the earliest and some of the funniest contributions from none other than the Nerve's unofficial official house artist, Paul from New Zealand. And our very first stealth mission here at the Nerve. We will be back in a minute. Are you wrestling with bras that dig in shape? Shapewear that rolls down constantly, Bra straps that slide down your shoulders constantly. Underwires that feel like medieval torture? Bras should not be this difficult. In the year 2026, introducing Honey Love, a brand designed by people who actually wear bras. And by that I mean women. Their crossover contour bra is wireless, but actually lifts and supports. No constant adjusting and no digging. Their cloud Embrace bra sold out in days for a reason. 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Start your offer@opendoor.com profits calculated after fees and costs. Eligibility and offer price may vary. A KFC Tale in the Pursuit of Flavor the greatest insult the Colonel ever suffered was being served a wrap that was just a snack by a friend. So he took two Crispy Tenders, lettuce, tomatoes and pepper mayo and wrapped them in a soft tortilla. It wasn't a snack, it was a meal. He called it a twister and never called that friend again. The Colonel lived so we could Chicken the Twister now back at KFC Classic or with bacon. Also try it spicy. It's finger licking good. Prices and participation may vary. We are back. The Nerve, I really think distinguished itself pretty quickly by the contributions made by the troublemakers. We have, I think the absolute best community, hands down, the most literate, the funniest, the most savage, the most sophisticated, the most creative, the most artistic. And I believe that one of the shining stars in the nerves firmament is Paul from New Zealand. I know I'm not alone. I know he is beloved. And by the way, Paul from New Zealand recently started his own sub stack and he tells us here at the Nerve that it's become something of a runaway hit because a lot of you troublemakers are over there subscribing, as you absolutely should be. So let's take a look. A little stroll down memory lane. This is the first real piece of art that Paul submitted and it made me laugh out loud. And this was the first one that I think I showed on screen on the Nerve. This is his Hubble Bubble, Toil and Trouble artwork. It looks like a little oil painting to me. It's a coven of witches. He told me that I am the witch on the right and I just thought it was incredible. Hubble Bubble, Toil and Trouble Makers. Oh my God, his second contribution or the second contribution we're showing here. There are so many. I'm going to tell you where's the morning. I don't open my inbox and Paul has not submitted either several pieces of art or one Piece of art with several drafts of it. Here we have Oprah Zempic. Oprah Zempik. Only Paul then he depicted me in the middle of winter. So this would have been probably, I'm gonna say last December, maybe November. The beginning. Me in the library with Teddy Van Halen. Our next. Our next piece of art. Keep calm because I'm watching the nerves. And then he did a special piece of art for the nerve center substack launch. And he does all the art for our live streams, too. He did it for Emmy night, he did it for the Globes, and he did it for the Nerve awards. We are hoping that he will do it for our next live stream, which we're going to announce at the end of this episode. And we have to close out because we're going to come back to this with Paul's. This one again made me laugh out loud. His pick me art for the Globes live stream. Timothy Shyamalama, Ding Dong, desperate for any and every award, but most importantly, the Oscar. With his little arms outstretched going, pick me. I just. I loved it. Now, Marlena and I talked about this a lot and we immediately, like. We both were like, yes, yes, yes. Our favorite moment from the live stream was the rest. The live. The live stream. Live attempt to rescue Stedman. We got intel that he was being held in a compound in Abbottabad. Teddy immediately suited up in his special ops uniform for a segment that we called Zero Bark thirty. Here we go. Breaking news. There is a special ops mission to recover the remains of one Stedman Graham. This is a segment we are calling 0 Bark 30. We have heard. Now we have word. The Apache helicopter is within seconds of landing at this compound at an unnamed location in the Middle East. And it comes in. It comes in. It comes. It's going to hover and attempt to land without detection. Can it do it? Can it do it? This is make or break. We've only got one. One helicopter on this mission. Can we land? Can we do it? Let's get down quietly. Oh, beautiful landing. We then sent Teddy right in. Time was of the essence. Here we go. Teddy is about to go in and to see if he can find the remains and or any evidence that Oprah and Gail have been there. Here we go, Teddy. Hey. All right. You can do it without your night vision goggles. Go for it. Where are they? Where are they? You see them? You see this? Look. Velveeta cheese, TGI Fridays. What a designer handbag. We've got a Slurpee, a Pizza Hut. Order these two have been ordering grub up. You know they may be on Ozempic but Teddy is. So you're not very good in the field. Dude. You did better in training. He really doesn't want any part of this and I can't blame him. I will however give you some cheese that those two Ozempic fiends left behind. They're shame eating. Anyway, before we take a quick break, gentle reminder, Email me all of your feedback, thoughts, suggestions, theories of the cases and crimes@maureenvilmaycare media.com or DM me on Instagram at Maureen Callahan, Writer or at the Nerve Show. And remember to subscribe to the nerve substack. That is our weekly email. Go over to thenerveshow.com you will see a prompt Would you like to get the Nerve Substack at the end of every week in your email inbox? Just sign up and there it is every Friday afternoon. Thank you by the way to all of you guys who have weighed in on a name for Teddy's new recruit. The little guy has officially arrived and we will bring the results later in the week. We will see you in a minute. Today's show is sponsored by Cowboy Colostrum. Colostrum is the first milk that cow babies receive from their mothers after birth and it's often referred to as liquid gold because it is packed with proteins, natural growth factors and antimicrobials. Three things that can enhance your immune response, reduce inflammation, repair and balance gut lining and reduce bloating. It can even make your hair and skin look amazing. Cowboy Colostrum offers the highest quality cow Colostrum in the United States. They don't over process or strip their colostrum and they leave it whole with full fat and high protein for ultimate nutrient density. It is sourced from 100% grass fed cows here in the United States with all natural ingredients and no artificial flavors. You can add Cowboy Colostrum to your coffee or smoothie. It's simple, it's easy to drink. You just mix it up with a little frother. It's very satisfying. For a limited time, Nerve listeners get up to 25% off their entire order. Just head to cowboy colostrum.com Maureen and use code Maureen at checkout. That's 25% off when you use code maureen@cowboycolostrum.com Maureen after you purchase they are going to ask you where you heard about them. 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Just two gummies a day to bring balance to your gut. So save the AI for drafting that reply to your ex. That's gonna take guts. Go to olly.com to learn more. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease. Ollie, we are back. And now it is time to revisit our top recidivist. This mini really, really landed with you guys. And I think it's in no small part to the props on display. We did this in the middle of summer. We read one of my favorite pop cultural artifacts, which is a very lengthy gripy complainy Woe is me email written by Scott Swift, Taylor Swift's father, back when they were in it trying to make Taylor famous. Here we go. This email is dated May 5, 2005. It was sent at 10:00am Pacific Standard Time. I'm going to read you edited portions of it. I am currently on email restriction from Andrea, his wife Taylor's mom because I forwarded the Today show some some email I am to this guy. I am not allowed to send an email unless Andrea approves it first. Can you even comprehend that? Welcome to my world. Send it to her or mention it to Taylor and there will probably be a question. Quick divorce Now. I am glad that I sent that email to you Said email. I can give you a better idea of what your banker's life is like. So Scott is Dan's banker according to this email. Thank God. Over the years I do not pay attention to Andrea's rules. I'll explain later. Don't Laugh. You'll be there. So this is a dark state of affairs. In the future, if you wonder about an email I send you, please call me. Don't involve Taylor or Andrea. He's afraid of Taylor. This is 2005, okay? Just call me. Andrea thinks I talk to you every day and bother you every day. I don't. But I do something positive for Taylor and for you every day. I am not quite the idiot that Andrea portrays me to be. Relatedly, just a few months later, we got quite the document dump in the Ryan Reynolds Blake Lively Justin Baldoni scandal. Lost slash lawsuit. Excuse me. That Taylor Swift found herself nearly swept up in as well. And we'll see if there's any additional fallout. But for now, we are going to revisit a reading of the text written by. And this is just one written by psycho arsonist Ryan Reynolds, as we like to call him here at the Nerve. Here we go. August 9, 2024. Sent at 5:12am do you think these people might be using drugs? Because I do. Just my opinion. Excuse the long text. This is a father of four. Like with a baby. You could argue maybe he's up with a baby, but I think they have helped in Night nurses. We heard in the voice memo that the Nerve played from Blake mumbly mouth conspiratorial seductive Blake to Justin Baldoni. I'd love you to do what I want. That she's. She or she only had a night nurse for 40. Whatever. Okay. Excuse the long text. Todd Black called me in a bit of a panic. It didn't go well because he's looking to brainstorm ways to diffuse the stuff with Baldoni. Ryan, spell diffuse D I F F U S E. Ryan. That is the incorrect spelling. Maybe you would have learned better grammar had you not burned your school down because you would have been able to, like attend class there. It's defuse D E F U S e. It's like diffusing a bomb. Diffusing an explosive situation. It's D e f u S e. Diffuse D I F F U S e is like when something is aromatic. Like if I spray. If I spray this hairspray, it's diffuse. Idiot. Ryan's wife is no better. We went and read part of her email to rumored one time paramore Ben Affleck. Here we go. Oh, my God. The time code is amazing, you guys. She sent it May 17, 2024. Timestamp 12:42am so almost one in the morning. To Ben. A email address redacted and noted here by the Lawyers as non responsive. So Ben was smart enough not to reply, at least to the email from Blake. Subject is from Blake with, like a hand emoji. Like, hi. Like, everything is affected. Every single thing is. And I mean app A f F. Okay, Ben, comma, it's Blake, period. Don't hang up. I think Ben cut her off after whatever went on between them. And then the nerve in that little recap of these correspondences, some of which were completely ignored by the A listers that Blake and Ryan were attempting to drag into this grimy, grubby attempt, in my opinion, to ruin the career of a guy who was just trying to get his directorial feature film debut off the ground. Here we go. This is our. This. We're going to cap this little assemblage of cretins with this one, right? And you know what's remarkably absent from any of these communiques? Any of them. You know what I'm not hearing? Hey, Matt. Hey, Ben. Justin Baldoni sexually harassed me on this movie to the point where I couldn't go to work. So we're going to leave those offenders there in the woodshed, since Paul tied them up not just with rope, but with chains and also bound pyro Ryan, as. As Paul prefers to call him. I prefer psycho arsonist Ryan Reynolds and his equally loathsome wife. Just my opinion. Blake Lively, you know, bound also by wrist and ankle. So there is no chance that Ryan can set fire to the woodshed. They can. They can live there, you know, for the foreseeable future and not endanger the rest of the terrible people we've got stacked up in there. Okay, now onto one of our top, top cultural criminal offenders, none other than the duchess of darkness and despair, one Meghan Markle. This one was hard to pare down. In nine months, she's given us a ton. Sorry, I just hit the table. Which made the camera move a little bit. But we decided to limit this one to one of the best, the most. Oh, what would I even call this? It's like, it's such an example of Megan. She's. She's now 10 years into this, okay? She still has no idea how she really comes across. This is the nerves coverage of Meghan's interview with one Emily Chang of Bloomberg. Okay? And again, this is why the nerve exists, because Emily Chang is ostensibly a legit business reporter, and she is embarrassing herself here. She's letting Megan insult her while Emily's trying to just give her some positive free publicity for her failing podcasts and lifestyle brand. And Netflix show. Here we go. When do you feel the least, Duchess of Sussex? Oh, my God. Sitting here eating a Tamash burger with you being asked these questions. I don't know. It's you, Emily, like, asking me these questions while I have to eat food with my hands like some kind of American. Next, Megan gives us here what became a very, very. A finalist with a really good shot at winning a nerve Award for 2025. Here we go. And I just think there really is a lot of value to when you anchor into your own knowing then you're telling your own story. You're telling your own story. And how you show up in the world, what you do, you actually don't need to say anything. Well, if Meghan didn't need to say anything, she stopped fucking talking by now. She'd have stopped talking a long time ago. But, you know, she's been telling her story for the past 10 years because, like, everybody else apparently has been telling her story except Megan. And, you know, we've gone through it, you know, Netflix specials, two podcasts, a Netflix show, tons of. Of interviews. She still hasn't gotten her story out there. What's the matter with people? Now Emily is going to ask Megan the money question, which, again, this is lazy. This is a softball. And this is Emily saying to Megan, I'm not going to ask you a single challenging question. And in fact, will you please be my best friend forever with this is over, and watch Megan struggle. And she's going to claim this is a question she's never been asked before, because that's a way to try to ingratiate yourself with your dummy interviewer. She's been asked this question plenty of times before. Believe me, I'm something of a Talmudic scholar when it comes to Meghan Markle and her bullshit. Here we go. If you could choose one thing for people to know the truth about you, what would that one thing be? No one's ever asked me that. What a great question. The one thing. Oh, gosh. What's the one thing? Oh, gosh. I just struggling. There's nobody holding this. I think when I sit with it for a second here, I just want people to know that I'm a real person. And I think a lot of that gets lost in what can be super dehumanizing. When you look at the clickbait culture and how much is written about someone, it's like, no, my friends have to read those things. Like, I have best friends. The same one since I was 17. Doubtful. I'm a real mom. I have to go. And I choose to go and do school pickup and drop off. But I do that under a landscape that is created, that forgets that I'm a real person. And how would you treat a real person in your life that you cared about or loved or respected? And so there's something about that, I think, that often gets lost. And even though earlier I was saying you can compartmentalize, like I say, that's a caricature. Yes, but my kids will see those magazines. So go the fuck away, like you said you were going to do when you ran for your lives and your privacy during Megxit in 2020. Just do that. Problem solved. We will end this nerve episode 100 coverage with a full screen of what? Of the nerves. Interpretation of what was doubtly a lengthy, needlessly verbose. I mean, that's redundant. Verbose means it's needless, needlessly, wordy message. Letter rather, to her father, who begged Megan through the world's media to please get in touch with him after he had to have part of his leg amputated in emergency surgery in the Philippines and wound up in the icu. And this is again, the nervous translating what Megan, in her otherwise flowery language was really saying in her letter to Daddy, referencing Baby Jane, some in substance. Fuck off. It may be the holidays, but that just makes it all the sweeter for me. Fuck off. Now onto Michelle Obama. Michelle Obama, who, much like Meghan Markle, tried to reinvent herself with yet a second iteration of her first podcast, which clearly wasn't popular enough to just keep going as it was. But not to be outdone by Megan, Michelle also published a book this year called the look, and it's all about how effing, gorgeous and stylish and photogenic and aspirational and perfect Michelle Obama is, except all of those white women who adore her and who she needs to buy her book to make it a hit. Michelle's got a real problem with all of us whities out here. Okay, here we go. And just when you think that Michelle can't get any more racialized and she can't blame the white woman for any more than she already has, she outdoes herself. Here we go. A lot of people want to know, what do braids mean? What does she mean? Look, y' all mean, you know, I mean, that's how white folks are. What does that mean? What are you saying? We're saying nothing except I just don't want to have to do my hair every day. And I Want. Tracy is doubled over in the water. I want to go swimming. I don't want to have to worry about it. Let me explain something to white people. Our hair comes out of our head naturally in a curly pattern. So when we're straightening it to follow your beauty standards, we are trapped by the straightness. That's why so many of us can't swim. So it's our fault that she says that so many black people can't swim while she sits there wearing her hair straightened even though she should be sitting in her power. We're going to turn to the October 2025 mini nerve that's so. So many of you just told us. Really, really loved it really landed with you. We, we have been shining a spotlight on. On. On the subject of what Teddy believes as lead investigator slash special ops force, whatever you would call him. He's. He's the leader. He says that brother Craig is going to have to be right after Stedman. Here's a look as to why. Watch brother Craig's eyes and watch them go. Like when you see the tops of somebody's eyeball and you see the whites there, that is an evolutionary sign of alarm. Take a look. Here we go. You're looking good. I feel good. I feel good. Yeah, that's good. Really? Really. So today's show is gonna be a. Yeah, yeah. You know, one of my favorite topics and one of my favorite people. Yes. You know, talking about marriage, the challenges of marriage and all that good stuff. So Craig is like. Craig is like, today's good. Today's gonna be a good show. Right? Today is going to be a good show. And Michelle. So that's his body language and her body language. And we heard you guys. We're gonna get Mark Bowden on again very soon. Don't worry. Michelle's body language is like. She's hunched in, so she's closed off. She's like this. She's over. Her head is downward tilted. Her eyebrows are knitted. Her face is freezing that way. Yeah, it's going to be a great show. We got one of my favorite topics, marriage therapy. You know, Craig probably signed a contract. I'm sure he would really prefer to parachute right out of there. And then later in that same podcast episode, which was contained within that mini Michelle uttered, listen, if I am any member of her family who outlives her, this is going on the gravestone. If you haven't seen the headline, I envy you, because this is a banger. Here we go. Because how many times do somebody asks, what are you thinking about and you're like, well, let me make up a thing because I don't want to actually what I was thinking about, which was like, the way you're chewing makes me want to smack you upside the head. That's my God. Which could be an edge. That would be an edge and that would be really interesting. You could, like, open something up there in a big way. Why is you're chewing annoy me so much. Let's discuss. Let's discuss. Michelle says in this pod that it's not just her who is disturbed to no end by the sound of Barack masticating. It also affects and offends their two daughters. All three of the girls cannot stand Barack Obama's chewing. I don't buy it. And by the way, if I'm Barack Obama, I'm saying F off because none of you are living the lives you're living without me. I'm the one who's been putting food on this table. So F off because the girl, you know, that's a thing. I didn't realize that. That's good to know because the girls and I are very irritated with the way Barack shoes. Oh, my. Craig's like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Like Craig is feeling it, you know, Craig, get out. Okay. Save yourself. You think she. This is how she talks about her husband. You don't think you're next? Michelle will, I'm sure, continue to provide well into 20, 26 and beyond. Now we will sum up our 100th episode with a recidivist who's going to take us right into our next live stream, which is the nerves Oscars live stream airing before the ceremony on Sunday, March 15th. Timothy Shamalama Ding Dong just denied at the BAFTAs. Timothy Shamalama Ding dong. Again, if you're just listening, you gotta watch it. You gotta watch it. The rap has like two lines and he toggles back and forth like his. His chorus is hey now jump. Hey now jump. That's the chorus. I'm Timmy Tim and hey now jump. Okay, settle in, settle in. Here we go. Me. Their hands. No, please do not take your shirt off. I'll have a lot more to say about Marty supreme and a future nerve prior to the Oscars. We will conclude with the interview that if the nerve has its way, we'll slam shut Timmy Tim's chances at taking home that best actor Oscar, which we all know belongs to Ethan Hawke. Here we go. He's out there and he's being asked. He's asked by this journalist. It Looks like he's in, like a European city or something. So now he's really feeling important if that's the case, like, oh, look at me, like I'm in Venice or wherever the fuck he is. And he's asked what has stayed with him in his role as Marty supreme. Who really cares? Who really gives a shit? Okay, now he doesn't seem to care either because he uses this question to pivot to, I, I can't do it. I can't spoil it for you. I can't spoil it. Watch this clip again. If you are just listening, you gotta watch it. Okay, here we go. Stayed with you about this role. The assertiveness, the confidence, the. Sometimes you gotta call things as it is, as they are, and not tiptoe, especially as you get older. I'm about to be 30. I wanna look back on my interviews when I'm fried and mentally anguished in my 60s and look back at my interviews in my late tent. Go, man, I was really speaking the truth and not afraid of the truth. Just get to it, Tim. That said, like, this is probably my best performance, you know, and then it's been like seven, eight years that I feel like I've been handing in really, really committed, top of the line performances. And it's important to say it out loud because the discipline and the work ethic. I'm bringing these things I don't want people to take for granted. I don't want to take for granted. This is really some top level shit. Oh, my God, you guys. Oh, my God. Okay, so Timmy's acting like he's in a performance review at his corporate gig. He's like, listen, I've been here seven or eight years and I haven't really had a substantial raise. And, you know, I've been bringing stuff to this table. First of all, it's your job. He's like, my discipline and my work ethic talk to any of us out here in these mean streets. The streets, you. Everybody who wants to get anywhere in life brings discipline and a work ethic. That's just how it is. That's called the business of living a life and getting a job and building a career. And listen, you little prick, you little. The world doesn't know you, Jack. Do you know what Leonardo DiCaprio had to do to finally win an Oscar? Do you know, as discussed over on Emily's show the other night, as I said, he had to pretend that a bear raped him while he was shooting the Revenant. Okay, get back to us when you can come up with something that inventive and take your little ping pong movie and shove it up your ass. I hope I got my point across. I mean, sometimes I think I can be a little too decorous about it. And not to worry because the poop props that we had for our Golden Globes livestream to represent Timothy Shyamalama Ding Dongs top level shit will in fact be back for Oscar night. Don't miss it. That does it. That does it for our 100th edition of the Nerve. Come back and see us tomorrow for a brand new Nerve at night. If you haven't already, check out our substack@thenerveshow.com be sure to subscribe. Plus nerve merch grab something for yourself or a fellow troublemaker slash traveler atshopthe nerve.com you can also listen to the Nerve every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 9am Eastern on Megan's Podcast Playlist, which you can find on Sirius XM channel 111, the Megan Kelly Channel. We will see you back here tomorrow at the Nerve, where you will never guess what we're about to say next. A cancer diagnosis changes everything. 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