← The Neurodivergent Experience
The Neurodivergent Experience
Mindful Mondays With Ashley Dupuy: From Mask to Map | The Long Way Home to Self-Trust
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Welcome back to Mindful Mondays. I'm your host Ashley Dupuis and this is your weekly space to slow down, soften the edges and meet your inner world with curiosity and care right here on the neurodivergent Experience podcast. So whether you're neurodivergent, highly sensitive, living with chronic illness, late diagnosed, or simply trying to understand what it means to Live more truthfully in your own skin. You are so welcome here. And today's episode marks the beginning of a new chapter. This is the first episode in a new series inspired by the book I'm writing and the body of work I feel myself moving more and more deeply into. From Mask to Map. At its heart, From Mask to Map is about what happens when we organize our whole selves around fitting in and coping, pleasing and performing, overriding and trying to be what other people need us to be and what it looks like to begin the long, honest, often tender journey home to something more authentic. And originally, this episode was going to be a broad introduction to that whole ethos. But life, as it so often does, had other plans. Because over the last couple of weeks, something deeply personal has been unfolding in my own life. Something that has cracked open so many of the very themes this new series is going to explore. Masking, trust, discernment, self abandonment, the pressure to be good and try hard, the cost of disconnecting from your own lived experience, and the extraordinary, painful, beautiful work of finally listening to your body when it's been telling the truth all along. So today I want to begin this new series not with theory, but with story, because stories are where maps are born. So I want to tell you about something that has been unfolding in my life over these last few weeks, because it has brought all of these themes into sharp relief. But to tell that story properly, I need to go back, because this did not begin a few weeks ago. It began years ago, in the long, slow pattern of me not quite listening to what my body was trying to tell me. I have spent much of my life with a body that gave me clues long before I had the language to understand them. I was tired a lot. I was bendy. My joints were unstable. Things hurt in ways that didn't seem to make sense. My shoulders were especially problematic. And by my 20s, I was already living with repeated dislocations. And eventually I had surgery on my right shoulder. And it was meant to be a fairly straightforward procedure. But when I woke up from surgery, I learned that the tendons and ligaments were so damaged that the original plan couldn't even be done. Instead, I was being held together by plastic anchors. And for a while it worked. For years it worked. But nobody had yet told me the bigger story. Nobody had named Ehlers Danlos syndrome. Nobody had talked about hypermobility as a connective tissue condition and how that can affect everything from digestion to brain fog. Nobody had helped me understand that my body wasn't just a little bit difficult. It was giving me a consistent patterned message that all came later. And that's often how it is, isn't it? With late diagnosis, the body knows first and the mind catches up later. We spend years living inside a story that is real but unnamed. We know something is off, but we don't yet have the map. And then eight years after that surgery, a simple startle in the kitchen caused that same shoulder to dislocate again. And then I finally began to understand something more clearly about what was happening. Because around that time, I was beginning to receive diagnosis after diagnosis. Everything began to start to fall into place. I learned about EDS and being autistic and adhd, pots, Mast cell activation syndrome, dysautonomia. Suddenly, pieces of my life that had felt fragmented began to connect. But even then, the deeper pattern had not yet fully revealed itself, because there was another story running underneath all of this. A story of over efforting. A story of pushing harder. A story of believing that my physical problems were my fault and that if I just tried hard enough, I could outwork my body's limits. That story had been with me for years. I was working way too much, and I was volunteering on top of that, at one point, I was holding down three jobs as well as volunteering. I was trying to be productive and useful, resilient and capable. I was ignoring all of my body's signals, ignoring the exhaustion. I was overriding my discomfort. I was telling myself that if I was struggling, it must be my fault. If I was tired, I should work harder. If I was in pain, I should push through. If I was failing to cope, I just needed to try harder. And eventually, in 2019, everything collapsed. I became bedbound. And I want to pause there, because that sentence carries a lot. I became bedbound. Not a bit unwell or going through a rough patch or needing a few days off, bedbound. And that was the moment when the cost of masking and pushing and self abandonment could no longer be negotiated away. It was also the moment that eventually led to the fuller picture of what was going on. EDS and autism, fibromyalgia. And the truth that my body had not been failing me, it had been warning me. And yet, even then, I did what so many of us do. I tried to recover by trying harder. I retrained as a hypnotherapist, and I threw myself into learning and healing and researching, understanding. And there was so much beauty in that. So much purpose, so much genuine growth. But I can also see now that there Was a part of me still trying to earn safety through effort. Trying to become the version of myself who could finally get it right. Trying to become the version of myself who wouldn't need so much. Trying to become the version of myself who could prove that I wasn't broken. The pattern was still with me. And then my hip story began. In 2021, my left hip subluxed in the middle of the night. And from there the pain and uncertainty grew. And I did what I always do. I worked hard, I walked daily, I strengthened, I researched, I tried to build myself back into stability. And I mean that very literally, but also emotionally. Because while I was trying to strengthen my body, I was also trying to strengthen the story that said, this can be fixed if I just do enough. And at the same time, I was being given interpretations of what was going wrong that didn't fully fit what I was experiencing. There were so many medical appointments and opinions, reassurances and dismissals and well meaning explanations. But all the while, something in me knew the story wasn't complete. And that's one of the hardest parts of this whole experience. Not just that the body hurts, but that when you're already conditioned to doubt yourself, it becomes very easy to hand your knowing over to someone else. And then when their explanation doesn't fit, you don't just feel physically unwell, you also feel confused and ashamed and increasingly disconnected from yourself. And that's where the pain gets doubled. The body hurts, and then the mind starts saying, well, maybe I'm exaggerating, maybe, maybe I should just try harder. That inner voice is not neutral. It is often the voice of masking. It's the voice that says, don't make a fuss, don't rock the boat, don't be difficult, don't need too much, and don't take up too much space. And for so many autistic people, especially those who have spent years trying to appear capable and agreeable and low maintenance, that voice can become incredibly loud. But the body doesn't lie forever. Eventually, I found out that the hip situation was more serious than I had been told. This is what has been unfolding in the last few weeks. Eventually, the right tests were done and the right medical professionals were found. And the evidence made it impossible to continue pretending that this was just a matter of willpower or a weak muscle, or not trying hard enough. And it was painful finding that out. Painful physically, yes, but also painful emotionally because it hit an even older wound. The fear that I might not be able to trust my own perceptions and that's a very old wound for me, and I suspect it will be familiar to many of you too. Because when you've spent your life masking and adapting and accommodating and second guessing yourself, it can become incredibly hard to know where your intuition ends and your fear begins. You can start to confuse self abandonment with maturity. You can confuse compliance with wisdom. You can confuse pushing through with strength. But they are not the same thing. And that, I think, is what this moment in my life is teaching me. Not that I should have known everything sooner, or that I failed, or that I made bad choices, but that I'm finally learning the difference between effort and alignment, between obedience and discernment, between coping and listening, between masking and mapping. Because From Mask to Map is not a story about never getting lost. It's a story about learning how to orient when you do. It's a story about noticing the old patterns when they reappear. It's a story about recognizing the moment when try harder is no longer wisdom. It's avoidance. And it's a story about the kind of self trust that can only emerge when we stop treating our bodies like enemies. What I've noticed over these last few weeks is that something in me has shifted. Discernment has become clearer. Decisiveness has become stronger. I found myself dealing with things that I've been avoiding for months. Fixing the little things and saying no more cleanly and trusting the nudge that says this needs attention now, paying attention to what feels aligned rather than what simply feels familiar. And I don't think that's a coincidence. I think the body was preparing me. I think the nervous system was already teaching me how to stop circling the same old story. So if you are listening and something in your life is whispering the same message over and over, not louder, but just more insistently, I want to encourage you to pay attention. Maybe the body is guiding you. Maybe the thing you've been calling failure is actually information. Maybe the thing you've been calling weakness is actually wisdom. And maybe the next step is not to push harder, but to listen more honestly. And maybe, just maybe, that is where the map begins. And as I stand here at this threshold, I can also say that I'm finally moving forward with that hip replacement that I've needed for so long now. And I am so grateful. And honestly, I am so excited to finally be able to get a lot of my life back. And I'll be speaking more fully about this whole experience with Simon and Jordan on an upcoming episode of the neurodivergent experience, so do keep an eye out for that. And if this framework is resonating with you, this movement from mask to map, from self abandonment towards self trust, then I would love to work with you more deeply. I have a final round of one to one work open for a small number of people and I'm also building a group coaching cohort for September. So if you feel called to explore your own story, your own patterns in your own way home, I'd love to hear from you. You can contact me through my website, integrativeiom.co.uk and with that, let's move into today's guided practice. A gentle Yoga Nidra journey focused on cultivating feelings of trust, softening into inner knowing and letting your body show you the way. So if you are currently driving or operating heavy machinery, please ensure to pause the recording now until you can safely come back into stillness. And just take these first moments to create your own sacred space and remove any distractions if you can. And find some blankets and cushions, whatever helps your body feel truly supported in this moment. You can be seated or lying down, whichever feels most right for you today. This guided Yoga Nidra is a gentle invitation to begin cultivating feelings of trust, beginning with what we know beyond doubt and finding our way back to trusting what lives within. And now, allow yourself to settle. Settle into the body, settle into the breath, settle into the quiet spaciousness that is always here. Good. That's right. And whenever you're ready, feel free to gently close your eyes. And let's begin with the breath. Inhaling softly through your nose. And exhaling out with a sigh. Good. And again, inhaling in. And exhaling out. Releasing a little more. And one more time, breathing in. And breathing out. And now welcome the first simplest trust. The earth beneath you, the ground, the bed, the cushion, the planet herself. Feel into that density, that unwavering reliability, that steady presence that never demands anything from you. And notice the trust that already exists here. The trust that the Earth will hold you, the trust the gravity will keep you close. And the trust that this support is here whether you notice it or not. And just take a slow breath into that knowing, into that trust. And breathing out through the mouth. And again, breathing in trust for the earth. And breathing out, surrendering into that holding. And now bringing your awareness into another quiet truth that you already trust. The cycles of nature. Day becomes night and night returns as day. Tides rise faithfully and then fall and seasons turn. Whether you ask them to or not, just feel into this rhythm the intelligence of time unfolding. The trust and certainty of renewal. And notice how your body already knows this trust. Trusting that morning will come. Trusting the moon to rise, Trusting that life breathes itself forward. And you can breathe into that trust now, inhaling trust in the cycles and exhaling into this steady rhythm. Beautiful. That's right. And now let that felt sense of trust, that simple, steady, reliable sense of trust to begin to gather within you something that is already present. And imagine now beneath the surface supporting you. Beneath your body, there is a map. A living map made of sensation, instinct, memory, quiet. Knowing this map has always been here, even when you doubted it. Even when you overrode it. Even when you tried harder. Instead of listening deeply and resting here, fully supported by earth and breath and cycle, your body can begin to feel this map beneath you. And not with perfect clarity, but just enough to sense there is guidance here. There is information here. There is wisdom here. And somewhere within this living map, quietly turning, is your inner compass. And it simply points toward truth, toward what matters. Toward what is yours to carry and what is not. Toward the next gentle step. You can feel this compass now as something your body already knows. Just like you know gravity pulls downward. Like you know the tides will return, like you know the earth holds steady. This compass is that reliable. Just let your awareness rest with that for a moment. And notice where you sense it most clearly. Perhaps the heart, or the belly,
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the center of your chest. Or the quiet behind the eyes. Wherever it lives, simply be with it. Good. That's right. And now, gently, let the trust you know, for Earth, for gravity, for tides, for cycles. Let the trust touch this inner compass. Let it remind your nervous system what trust feels like. Simple, steady, reliable. You don't need certainty, just this. The same body that trusts the ground beneath it can begin to trust the map within it. And I'd like to offer you a San Calpa as we head into a rotation of consciousness throughout the physical body, speaking silently inside. I trust what I notice. I trust what my body knows. I trust the next true step. And really feel it and sense it within. Repeating once again, I trust what I notice. I trust what my body knows. I trust the next true step. Let these words settle into the breath. Let them ripple through the body like water meeting earth. And now gently rotating awareness through the body, touching the living map that is always here. Awareness to the right hand, the thumb, first finger, second finger, third finger and little finger. The palm, the back of the hand, wrist, forearm, elbow, upper arm, shoulder, right side of the body, the hip, thigh, knee, calf, ankle, heel, sole of the foot. And the tips of all five toes. Awareness now to the left hand. The thumb, first finger, second finger, third finger and little finger. Palm, back of the hand, wrist, forearm, elbow, upper arm, shoulder, left side of the body, the hip, thigh, knee, calf, ankle, heel, sole of the foot and the tips of all five toes. Awareness now to the back of the body. The back of the head, neck, shoulders, upper back, mid back, lower back, the sacrum, the sitting bones and the back of the legs. The front body, forehead, eyes, nose, cheeks, jaw, throat, chest, ribs, belly, pelvis, the front of both legs. Awareness now to the whole body, The whole physical body. Feel the whole body. One field, one breath, one quiet Compass turning within. And now just rest here. In the intelligence of earth, in the intelligence of cycles, in the intelligence of your body's map, Can you make a gentle trust fall into this moment, into the medicine of presence itself, Into the support that is already here. It's already happening. Presence. Resting as the earth rests, steady and whole. And when you're ready, can you bring awareness to both hands? And now to the feet and your breath. And the room around you. And before you open your eyes, let's bring awareness to this San Calpo once more. I trust what I notice. I trust what my body knows. I trust the next true step. And whenever you're ready and not a moment before, you can feel free to gently open your eyes and savor this return. Savor the map within. Savor the map of you. And savor the compass within. Thank you so much for joining me today and exploring from mask to map and for being willing to sit with such tender, honest territory alongside me. Whether this resonated as your own story or simply landed as a moment of recognition, your presence here matters deeply. And if today's practice or this framework spoke to you, you'll find more ways to work with your nervous system. Over on my Insight timer channel, just search for Ashley Dupuy. That's D U P U Y. And there you'll find my nervous system regulation mastery course Yoga Nidras. Like today's bedtime alchemy stories and gentle practices designed for sensitive neurodivergent systems. And just a gentle reminder to let you know I'm taking expressions of interest for my final round of one to one work. If you feel called to explore this work more deeply. This is intimate state to story strategy work for anyone ready to explore their inner world with curiosity rather than than criticism. And I'm also building a small group coaching cohort to start in September. A supported circle to walk the from Mask to map Path together. You can reach out via my website if you'd like to register your interest. I'd love to hear from you. And next week, we dive deeper into what From Mask to Map actually means. We've explored the senses, and now we turn toward masking itself and how we start reclaiming what's real. We'll look at everyday examples of what masking can look like, the effect masking has on the nervous system, and tiny experiments in unmasking. This is also part of a larger body of work I'm writing in my book From Mask to Map, A Guide to Late neurodivergent Awakening. And over the coming weeks we'll be exploring everything from transactional analysis drivers to taking life literally and cultural advice like Mel Robbins. Let them theory all through this lens of moving from performance toward presence. And until then, may you notice one small place where your body or your quiet inner compass is asking to be trusted. May you pause before overriding it, and may you remember the map was never lost. You're just learning how to read it. And as always, we're all just walking each other home. Foreign.
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