← The Neurodivergent Experience
The Neurodivergent Experience
Mindful Mondays With Ashley Bentley: Releasing the Shoulds — Finding Freedom in Choice
00:28:17
Start Your Week With Presence & Purpose
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ACAST powers the world's best podcasts. Here's a show that we recommend.
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Hey there. If you've ever felt your confidence slip at work, you're not alone. The good news? Confidence isn't a fixed trait. It's a skill. And like any skill, you can build it with the right tools and practice. I'm Ann Morris, CEO and bestselling author, and together with my wife, Frances Frey, a professor at Harvard Business School, we host the TED podcast Fixable. This season, we're zeroing in on confidence, what it really is, how to strengthen it, and how to help others see you as the leader you already are. So if you're ready to show up with more conviction, to get promoted, to lead with clarity, to do the best work of your career, join us on Fixable. Wherever you get your podcasts.
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ACAST helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com the Neurodivergent Experience podcast presents Mindful Mondays. I'm your host, Ashley Bentley, and this is your invitation to pause, breathe, and begin your week with presence and purpose. If you're new here, welcome. And if you're returning, welcome back. You are in the right place. This is your space to land before you leap into the week. Each Monday, we take a breath, a beat, a moment to recalibrate, especially for the uniquely wired, beautifully sensitive, neurodivergent mind. And we explore themes from psychology and neuroscience, Buddhism, lived experience, and then we embody it all through a guided meditation at the end. So you don't just learn the theory, you feel it in your bones. Last week we explored time not as something to conquer, but as something we can dance with. And this week, we turn inward toward the language of pressure, judgment and programming, the silent but potent force of the shoulds and have to's. So let's begin. I should be more productive. I have to say, yes, I should be better. By now, these phrases live in our bones. They whisper behind our decisions and they shape the tone of our inner voice. And if we don't bring awareness to them, they begin to run the show. Shoulds and have to's aren't just words. They're evidence of conditioning conditioning from school systems that rewarded compliance, workplaces that prize output over well being, social media that sets an impossible standard, and cultural norms that tell us who we must be. And underneath it all, the fear of not being enough. Now, these phrases sneak in as motivation, but they rarely inspire. More often, they trigger shame, overwhelm, and disconnection. And when we are neurodivergent the danger is multiplied. We're already living in a world not designed for our rhythm, our energy patterns and our processing speed. So when we internalize shoulds and have to's, we end up masking, performing, burning out. We contort ourselves into shapes that were never meant to fit. And then we call it adulthood. But what if we paused? What if we got curious about every time we say, I should clean the kitchen, I have to work out, I should be more social. Let's look at the tone of these thoughts. Should carries judgment and have to carries pressure. But what if have to becomes get to? I get to clean my space because I have one. I get to move my body because I'm able. I get to rest because I honor my needs. Now, this isn't toxic positivity. This is a contextual reframe, a mindful reclaiming of your autonomy. Let's pause here for a moment to bring in a brilliant observation by author and teacher Byron Katie. She says, reality, for me, is what is true. The truth is, whatever is in front of you, whatever is really happening, whether you like it or not, it's raining now. It shouldn't be raining is just a thought. In reality, there's no such thing as a should or shouldn't. These are only thoughts that we impose onto reality. And she continues by saying, the mind is like a carpenter's level. When the bubble is off to one side, it shouldn't be raining. We can know that the mind is caught in its thinking. And when the bubble is right in the middle, it's raining. We can know that the surface is level and the mind is accepting reality as it is. Acceptance brings us back to presence, back to what is. And when we cling to should, we're clinging to a fantasy, a version of reality shaped by someone else's rules. And when we let go, we come home. So whenever we find ourselves thinking, I should do this, I should do that, it should be this way, I have to, I must. Those are all signals telling us we are operating from a place of dogma rather than agency. And here's the thing. Over time, the more we live under the weight of shoulds and have to's, the less control we actually feel over our lives. Instead of moving from choice, we end up moving from compulsion. We become slaves to expectation. Whether that expectation comes from society or social media, our upbringing, or simply the masks we've worn for so long that we've forgotten how to take them off. And you might be thinking, well, that's all fine, Ash, but there are things I really have to do. I have to get my kids to school. I have to make dinner. I have to earn money to support myself and my family. And yes, that is true, there are responsibilities in life. But this is where the power of language changes everything. So there will always be some tasks in life that are truly non negotiable things we absolutely have to do. Going to work, raising our children. Caring for responsibilities that can't be set aside. We may not have agency over whether or not we do them, but we always have agency in how we choose to approach them. What if you took the thing that feels most draining in your day and decided, this will be the most mindful thing I do today instead of resisting it? See how present you can be with it. See how much awareness and breath and kindness you can bring into that single act. That is next level mindfulness, transforming obligation into a practice of presence. As Victor Frankl reminds us, in man's search for meaning, even in the most difficult, unavoidable circumstances, we retain the freedom to choose. Our attitude that freedom is where meaning lives. So even when life gives us a have to, we can still choose to make it sacred through the way we meet it. So instead of I have to, what happens if you shift into I get to. I get to bring my kids to school because it means they're safe, alive and learning. I get to make dinner because it means we have food, resources and the gift of nourishment. I get to work for my living because it means I have opportunities and agency, however imperfect they may feel at times. That tiny language shift transforms obligation into gratitude, and it restores a sense of autonomy and possibility. And the same applies to should. Should is heavy. It comes wrapped in guilt and shame and judgment. But if you replace it with I could or I'd like to, the entire tone changes. Suddenly you're no longer being pushed by invisible rules. You're being pulled by inner choice. Here's an example. Instead of I should go to the gym, you could try. I'd like to go to the gym because it helps me feel strong and alive. Instead of I should meditate every day. You could try. I could meditate today. It helps me feel calmer when I do so. The task itself doesn't change, but the story around it does. And that story matters because the story is what your nervous system listens to. Let me bring you back to something I shared in our last episode, my morning ritual with the dishes. For years, doing the dishes was just another draining have to. It felt like one more Obligation on an endless list of obligations. But now it has become one of the most meaningful parts of my day. Each morning, I clear the draining board and wash the dishes as an intentional ceremony, a symbolic act of starting fresh. I practice gratitude for the food these dishes once held, for the nourishment I've received, and for the very fact that I get to be here in this moment. Microdosing meaning to the moment. Meaning isn't something you chase. It's something you create, moment by moment. What once felt like pressure now feels like presence. And what once drained me now restores me. And this isn't just about dishes. It's about reframing all of our responsibilities. Every have to can be reclaimed as I get to. Every should can be softened into I could. And for the beautiful, neurodivergent brain and body, this reframing is especially powerful. So much of our energy is spent managing expectations, others expectations of us and our own expectations of ourselves. That constant mental pressure is exhausting. It's part of what makes executive function and daily self care feel like uphill battles. But when we shift the language, when we step into even small moments of choice, we reclaim energy, we reclaim agency. We remind ourselves that we are not just responding to life, we are participating in it. Okay, now what about the shoulds that we impose on other people? They should act differently. They shouldn't do that. They should understand me better. This is where things get even trickier. Because the moment we start shoulding others, we rob both them and ourselves of agency. We put them on the defensive. We frame our relationships in judgment rather than dialogue. That doesn't mean we tolerate harmful behavior. If someone's actions are affecting your life, you have every right to set boundaries and to speak up. But you'll be far more effective if you come from a place of compassion and clarity, not should. Now, of course, all of this is easier said than done. Remember, that old programming will want to creep back in. The shoulds will rise, and the have to's will return. But here's the invitation. Start to notice them, catch them, reframe them. Not perfectly, not every time, but more often than before. That's how transformation happens. Not through one big revelation, but through many small returns to agency. Over and over again. Each time you shift a should into a could, a have to into a get to, you reclaim a little more of yourself. Try it today. Flip the frame and see what opens up. And now that we've explored how to reframe the language of pressure, let's return to the language of Presence, taking the next few minutes to gently and quietly let go. And today's practice is a blend of two techniques, Guided meditation, visualization and Yoga Nidra. This is our first time exploring Yoga Nidra together on Mindful Mondays. Yoga Nidra, sometimes called Yogic sleep, is a practice that guides the body into deep rest while keeping the mind gently aware. Today will just be a brief introduction, blending it with the visualization. And in future episodes, we'll explore more traditional Yoga Nidra in greater depth. But for now, just allow yourself to relax and be guided. And if you are driving or operating heavy machinery, please make sure to pause the recording until you can safely come back into stillness. And just find a position where your body feels supported. You could be lying down or resting back in a chair. And whenever you're ready, feel free to gently close your eyes and allow your breath to deepen naturally without effort. Good. That's right. And now take a slow, deep breath in. And as you exhale, imagine setting down the weight of the day. This is your time. A place of rest, a place of renewal. And on your next breath in, gently squeeze your fists and tighten your arms. Draw your shoulders up, engage your legs, your feet, your belly. Tighten the whole body, not painfully, just enough to feel the effort. Imagine every should and every have to you've carried, piling into this tension, all the pressure, the expectation and the masks. And then exhale, release. Let the body melt into the ground beneath you. That's right. And let's do this once more. Breathing in, tensing up, squeezing, holding the weight of it all. And exhale, letting go completely. And notice the difference. Notice the relief in letting the pressure fall away. As we now begin a journey, a rotation of consciousness throughout the physical body. Bringing your awareness now to the crown of your head. And imagine a warm light, like sunlight at dawn, resting there. And as you notice it, that part begins to soften. Awareness now to your forehead and begin to soften around your eyes and temples. And allow your jaw to relax. And notice your tongue resting gently in your mouth. Noticing the throat, the neck, feel the space opening and drop down into the shoulders, so often carrying the shoulds. Just let them drop heavy into the earth and feel gravity holding them for you. Awareness to the arms, elbows, wrists, palms of the hands. And notice all ten fingers, let them be weightless. Awareness now to your chest, your heart space. And imagine the breath sweeping away, judgment clearing a wider space inside, noticing the belly. Soften the muscles, release the holding, let the breath expand you and then let go. Awareness to the hips, resting heavy Safe, grounded, down into the legs, thighs, knees, calves, ankles, all softening, an awareness now to your feet and feel the tips of all ten toes. Resting, released. Awareness now to the whole physical body, the whole body relaxed, open, surrendered, no longer weighed down by pressure. And with your body soft and open, can you imagine yourself walking into a radiant garden? And the air is fragrant, alive, and the ground is soft beneath your feet. This is the garden of choice. Here there are no shoulds or musts. Instead, every flower whispers gently. You could. You might like to. You get to. And feel the ease of those words, how light they are, how freeing. And continue walking slowly through the garden, breathing in possibility and breathing out pressure and expectation. And ahead you see a clear stream sparkling in the sun and a number of leaves resting gently on the earth beside it. Each leaf carries a word, should, must, have to. And you pick one up and you place it into the water and watch the current carry it away. And one by one, you release them all. Every should, every have to, every must. Watch them drifting downstream, dissolving into nothing. And notice how light your heart feels as you rise up. Now you notice a golden clearing ahead, and in the center is a mirror. And you step closer and you see yourself reflected, but not as someone burdened by expectations. Here you are, radiant, calm, whole, living from choice, whispering silently inside now to yourself, I don't have to. I get to. I don't need to be perfect. I just need to be present. I am not broken. I am becoming. Feel these words ripple through every cell of your body. A vibration of freedom, of agency, of peace. And now, slowly, you can begin to leave the clearing and walk once more through the garden. And notice how every step feels lighter now, how every breath carries more ease. You will return to the world and the shoulds will try to follow. But you now know the truth. You can pause, you can reframe. You can choose. Take a deep breath in and sigh it out. And begin to wiggle your fingers and toes and move your head from side to side and stretch gently if you wish. And when you open your eyes, bring the garden with you. Bring the agency with you. Bring the freedom with you. Because you are not a prisoner of shoulder. You are the author of your own choices. You are safe. You are allowed. You are here. Thank you so much for spending your mindful Monday with me. Let this be your reminder. You are not a project to fix. You are a person to cherish. And next week we'll be exploring routines and rhythms, how they can support the neurodivergent mind and body not as rigid rules but as gentle frameworks that bring flow, steadiness, and presence into daily life. Until then, start soft and stay steady. ACAST powers the world's best podcasts Here's a show that we recommend.
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Hey there. If you've ever felt your confidence slip at work, you're not alone. The good news? Confidence isn't a fixed trait. It's a skill. And like any skill, you can build it with the right tools and practice. I'm Ann Morris, CEO and bestselling author, and together with my wife, Frances Frey, a professor at Harvard Business School, we host the TED podcast Fixable. This season, we're zeroing in on confidence what it really is, how to strengthen it, and how to help others see you as the leader you already are. So if you're ready to show up with more conviction, to get promoted, to lead with clarity, to do the best work of your career, join us on Fixable. Wherever you get your podcasts.
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ACAST helps creators launch, grow, and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com.