The Neurodivergent Experience

Mindful Mondays With Ashley Bentley: Releasing the Shoulds — Finding Freedom in Choice

Date: September 21, 2025
Host: Ashley Bentley

Episode Overview

In this reflective and compassionate Mindful Mondays installment, host Ashley Bentley invites listeners—especially those who are neurodivergent—to examine and challenge the oppressive weight of “shoulds” and “have to’s” in their lives. Through storytelling, psychological insight, and a soothing guided meditation, Ashley demonstrates how reclaiming agency begins with mindful language shifts and acceptance, leading towards greater freedom, gratitude, and self-compassion.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Problem with “Shoulds” and “Have to’s”

• The Language of Expectation:
  Ashley explores how phrases like “I should be more productive” or “I have to say yes” become embedded in our self-talk, often acting as proxies for shame and societal programming.
  “Shoulds and have to's aren't just words. They're evidence of conditioning—conditioning from school systems that rewarded compliance, workplaces that prize output over well-being, social media that sets an impossible standard, and cultural norms that tell us who we must be.” (03:17)

• Impact on Neurodivergent Individuals:
  For those with neurodivergent brains, internalizing these pressures leads to masking, burnout, and a loss of self-identity.
  “We're already living in a world not designed for our rhythm, our energy patterns and our processing speed. So when we internalize shoulds and have to's, we end up masking, performing, burning out.” (05:01)

2. Reframing for Agency and Presence

• Language as a Tool for Change:
  Ashley emphasizes the transformative power of reframing—turning “have to” into “get to,” and “should” into “could” or “I'd like to.”
  “Should carries judgment and have to carries pressure. But what if have to becomes get to? I get to clean my space because I have one. I get to move my body because I’m able. I get to rest because I honor my needs.” (06:12)
  “This isn’t toxic positivity. This is a contextual reframe, a mindful reclaiming of your autonomy.” (07:01)

• Byron Katie's Wisdom:
  Ashley shares Byron Katie’s analogy about the mind as a carpenter’s level—peace comes from accepting reality rather than imposing “shoulds” onto it.
  “In reality, there’s no such thing as a should or shouldn’t. These are only thoughts that we impose onto reality.” (07:33)

• Freedom in Response:
  Drawing on Viktor Frankl, Ashley posits that freedom exists in our attitude—even when obligations are unavoidable.
  “Even in the most difficult, unavoidable circumstances, we retain the freedom to choose our attitude—that freedom is where meaning lives.” (11:00)

3. Everyday Mindfulness and Practical Application

• Mini Reframes:
  Reframing mundane or draining tasks—such as doing dishes—can shift them from burdens to invitations for mindfulness and gratitude.
  “For years, doing the dishes was just another draining have to… now it has become one of the most meaningful parts of my day… Microdosing meaning to the moment.” (15:01)

• Self vs. Others:
  Not only do we “should” ourselves, we often “should” others, leading to judgment or unwarranted expectations in relationships.
  “The moment we start shoulding others, we rob both them and ourselves of agency. We put them on the defensive. We frame our relationships in judgment rather than dialogue.” (18:13)

• Consistency Over Perfection:
  Transformation isn’t about eradicating “shoulds” overnight, but subtly shifting our internal dialogue over time to reclaim autonomy and softness.
  “That old programming will want to creep back in. The shoulds will rise, and the have to's will return… Start to notice them, catch them, reframe them… That’s how transformation happens. Not through one big revelation, but through many small returns to agency.” (19:12)

4. Guided Meditation for Release and Agency (21:05–29:10)

Ashley leads a calming meditation rooted in Yoga Nidra, visualization, and mindful body awareness. Highlights include:

• Progressive relaxation, releasing the day's tension and the weight of expectation
• A visualization: entering a garden of choice, leaving “should,” “must,” and “have to” behind in a stream
• Affirmations for self-compassion and agency
  “You are not a prisoner of should. You are the author of your own choices. You are safe. You are allowed. You are here.” (28:40)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the Hidden Power of Language:
  “Every have to can be reclaimed as I get to. Every should can be softened into I could. And for the beautiful, neurodivergent brain and body, this reframing is especially powerful.” (16:45)

• Gentle Validation:
  “You are not a project to fix. You are a person to cherish.” (29:05)

• Affirmations From the Meditation:
  “I don’t have to. I get to. I don’t need to be perfect. I just need to be present. I am not broken. I am becoming.” (27:40)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:56 – Introduction and Episode Overview
• 03:17 – Origin and Impact of Shoulds/Have To’s
• 06:12 – Reframing Language for Agency
• 07:33 – Byron Katie on Accepting Reality
• 11:00 – Viktor Frankl and the Freedom of Attitude
• 15:01 – Everyday Mindfulness Through Reframing
• 18:13 – How “Shoulds” Affect Relationships
• 21:05 – Guided Meditation (Yoga Nidra and Visualization)
• 28:40 – Concluding Affirmations
• 29:05 – Closing Reflection and Preview of Next Week

Tone & Style

Ashley’s approach is warm, validating, and inclusive, blending personal experience, gentle humor, and insights from psychology, Buddhism, and lived neurodivergence. The guided meditation is soothing, inviting listeners not just to think, but to feel and embody the teaching.

For Next Time:

Ashley hints at an upcoming focus on routines and rhythms—offered not as rigid obligations, but as compassionate frameworks to support neurodivergent minds.

Summary Provided for Episode: “Mindful Mondays With Ashley Bentley: Releasing the Shoulds — Finding Freedom in Choice”, The Neurodivergent Experience (Sept 21, 2025).