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The Neurodivergent Experience
Mindful Mondays With Ashley Bentley: The Anatomy of a Breakthrough Part II | Regulating State from Reaction to Response
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Your podcasts, ACAST helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast.com. Welcome back to Mindful Mondays. I'm your host Ashley Bentley and this is a gentle, grounded space to slow down, turn inward and meet your embodied inner world with a little more understanding and care right here on the neurodivergent Experience podcast. So whether you're neurodivergent, highly sensitive, or simply someone curious about consciousness and what it means to live well inside your own mind and body, you are very welcome here. And this month on the podcast we're exploring the anatomy of a breakthrough. How real, sustainable change actually happens. This is not the kind of change driven by pressure or self criticism, but rather the kind that feels rooted, integrated and true. And last week we zoomed out and looked at the whole process. How breakthroughs aren't personality traits, they're processes. And how meaningful change unfolds when three elements come into alignment. Your state, your story, and then, and only then, your strategy. And today we begin where change truly begins, with your state. So before we talk about goals or examine our habits or even rewrite our narratives and plan our next steps, we have to look at the state of your nervous system. This means looking at the state of your body and the tone of your emotions and the level of safety or threat your system is operating from. Because if your nervous system is overwhelmed, braced, or on high alert, it doesn't matter how good your intentions are, you will not be working from the part of the brain that can imagine, choose, or create change. You will be operating from protection. And that's not a failure. That's biology. This is something we explored very deeply back in November in episodes 9 through 12 during our month long focus on nervous system regulation. And if you haven't listened to those episodes yet, or if it's just been a while, I gently encourage you to revisit them. Because for the neurodivergent brain and body state is everything. You're taking in more information, more sensory data, more emotional nuance more background noise, both internal and external. Which means your baseline is often closer to activation than you might realize. So when we talk about change, the very first question isn't what should I do? It's what state am I in right now? And when we talk about getting your state right, this isn't abstract or theoretical. It's deeply practical, deeply human, and very much embodied. One of the most important things to understand about regulation is this. The body informs the brain far more than the brain informs the body. The vagus nerve, the primary nerve of regulation, is a two way communication highway. But about 80% of the information flows from body up to brain. And only around 20% flows from brain down to body. So this is why trying to think your way into calm so often fails. And why working with the body is one of the most effective, compassionate ways to regulate your nervous system. There are so many beautiful ways to do this, and you don't need to use all of them. You can think of these as options, not obligations. Your nervous system will tell you which ones work for you. And the simplest and most powerful place to begin is the breath. Breathing is one of the only parts of the autonomic nervous system that we can consciously control. Even subtle changes can have a profound effect on how safe or threatened the body feels. So low. Slow breathing through the nose is how we're designed to breathe all the time. When we breathe shallowly through the mouth or hold our breath without realizing, we can inadvertently signal danger to the body. And this is enough to tip us into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. And one of the easiest ways to calm the system is just to lengthen your out breath. A longer exhale tells the nervous system we're okay, there's no immediate threat. And you can deepen this effect by humming or sighing or singing on the exhale. Anything that creates gentle vibration in the throat and mouth. These vibrations directly stimulate the vagus nerve and invite the body into rest, digestion and presence. And posture is another powerful signal. When we feel unsafe, we tend to make ourselves small shoulders rounded, chest collapsed, gaze lowered. When we gently open our chest, roll back our shoulders and allow ourselves to take up a little bit more space. This can quietly tell the body that it's safe to be here. And movement helps too. Swaying, rocking, stretching, shaking, dancing. These aren't random behaviors. They are ancient regulatory strategies. Animals shake instinctively after stress. And our bodies remember how, even if our culture has taught us otherwise. And slowing down is another underrated form of regulation. When everything is rushed, the nervous system assumes danger. Moving at A measured, intentional pace signals safety not because nothing is wrong, but because you are present. And sensory input can also be deeply regulating, using sensory toys, textured objects, warmth, soothing sounds, or familiar music. Even widening your gaze and letting your eyes soften can shift the nervous system out of threat mode. And here's one many people don't realize Tongue posture matters, letting the tip of your tongue rest gently on the roof of your mouth, just behind the front teeth. This activates a cranial nerve connected to the vagus nerve, and this is the same spot stimulated during feeding in infancy, a deeply primal signal of safety and nourishment. And we can even use our ears as tools with sound, rhythm and binaural beats, and we'll explore these in a future episode. But know this now. Every mindful Monday's practice that includes music uses binaural beats intentionally, because sound can gently guide brainwave states and support regulation without effort. So for now, know this Regulation is something you allow moment by moment, through small signals of safety offered to the body. So when we hear about the nervous system in terms of fight, flight or freeze, these are automatic responses, fast, unconscious and protective. They happen before thought. And over the last decade or so, there's been a growing recognition of a fourth response fawn. Now, this is one we didn't fully explore back in November, and it's an important piece to bring to this conversation about state, because many breakthroughs stall not in chaos, but in over accommodation. Fawning is an automatic response, just like fight, flight or freeze. It happens when your system senses tension, conflict or potential threat in your environment. And instead of moving away, shutting down or pushing back, you move towards you, soothe you, appease you, agree you smooth things over. You try to regulate the environment rather than your own internal state. And what's one of the most common ways fawning shows up? Saying yes when you mean no. Over explaining, over agreeing, over functioning, being extra nice, trying to keep the peace at all costs. And it's important to say this clearly. Fawning is not a flaw, and it's not weakness, and it's certainly not something you should feel ashamed of. It is a nervous system strategy that learned very early on that safety can come from being agreeable, helpful or unobtrusive. And it's deeply intertwined with masking, especially for neurodivergent nervous systems who learned consciously or unconsciously that their natural way of being was too much or not enough or inconvenient. One of the most common ways fawning shows up in daily life is through half Hearted yeses, saying yes when we mean no, agreeing before we've checked in with ourselves, over explaining, over smoothing, over accommodating. At its core, fawning is an attempt to regulate externally, calming the environment so that we can feel safe rather than regulating internally. And it often looks like kindness, but it doesn't feel kind on the inside, because what tends to follow is exhaustion, resentment, that familiar inner voice asking, why did I agree to do that? And author and podcaster Tim Ferriss puts it beautifully. He says everything from a job offer to a marriage proposal is a yes to one thing and a no to hundreds of thousands of other opportunities. It's easy, the universal default to get pulled into the quicksand of half hearted yeses and promiscuous over commitment, ending up stressed and reactive, wondering where your time has gone. So fawning is not a character flaw, it is a nervous system strategy. And so the more regulated you become internally, the less you'll feel compelled to to manage externally other people's emotions at the expense of your own truth. This is where regulation supports breakthrough in a very real way, because you cannot change your life while constantly overriding yourself. So as your state settles, your responses become clearer, your yeses become cleaner, and your nos become kinder. And slowly, almost quietly, agency returns. So let's look at the difference between responding versus reacting. Because fawning happens as a reaction rather than a response from autonomy. And this is a really useful distinction. When you are regulated, you are present. And when you are present, you have the capacity to respond to life. There's a pause, a choice, a sense of agency. And when you're dysregulated or activated, you're not present and you will react to life. Words come out before you've checked in, you agree to things you later regret, and you feel that familiar sinking, why did I do that afterwards? And if you've ever looked back at that moment and thought, gosh, that didn't feel like me, remember, this is not a character flaw. This is your nervous system driving the bus. So let's look at a little bite sized Buddhism. There's a metaphor I have been waiting to share with you, one that captures the difference between reacting and responding so beautifully. And it's perfect for understanding mindfulness, presence and regulation. And it comes from Larry Rosenberg's book, Breath by Breath. He calls it the difference between the dog mind and the lion mind. So imagine I'm holding up a pen and I ask you to imagine that this pin is a bone. And if I'm standing in Front of a dog, and I wave that bone side to side in front of his face and then toss it a few yards away. What will the dog do? He'll chase the bone. The dog's attention locks on immediately. It has tunnel vision. The bone becomes the entire reality. If I control the bone, I control the dog. Now, imagine I'm standing in front of a lion, and I wave the bone from side to side and I toss it a few yards away. What does the lion do? Often people laugh and say, eat you. And yes, the lion might eat me. But here's the deeper point. The lion sees the bone, and the lion sees me. The lion sees the whole landscape. The bone is just one small part of a much larger reality. The lion sits upright, poised, present, aware. The lion has options. It could go after the bone. It could sit still and watch. It could walk away, or it could eat me. That's autonomy. That's the difference between reactivity and agency. When we're dysregulated or anxious, angry, overwhelmed, or threatened, we tend to operate from dog brain chasing the bones of thoughts, worries, emotions, stories, and sensations. When anger arises, are we chasing the bone of anger? When anxiety spikes, are we chasing the bone of catastrophic thinking? Or when something uncomfortable appears, are we pulled immediately into reaction? Or can we pause? Can we sit like the lion and see the whole picture? The bone is still there. The thought, the feeling, the trigger. But it's no longer the entire reality. And this is what mindfulness really offers us. Not necessarily relaxation, but presence without reactivity, awareness without judgment. And when we remember the image of the lion, steady, upright, seeing clearly, we remember the state we're cultivating. A regulated state, a responsive state, a state where choice becomes available. Because when you cultivate the lion mind, you realize something quietly profound. Your strength was never missing. It was just temporarily narrowed by threat. And this is why nervous system regulation matters so deeply. Your nervous system may want you to react, but there is always a moment, sometimes just a breath, where you can pause, widen your awareness, and choose how to respond. And that pause is where freedom lives. So when your nervous system is activated, your threat detection increases. Your vision narrows, your hearing changes, Your digestion slows. Your body prioritizes survival over insight. You quite literally see the world differently. Neutral faces can look critical. Simple requests can feel overwhelming, and even uncertainty can feel dangerous. So trying to make life decisions or set goals or create change from that state, that's like trying to navigate with a distorted map. This is why change made from dysregulation so often feels exhausting confusing or short lived? You're swimming upstream, so why are we not talking strategy yet? You might be asking. This is where many people get impatient. Because strategy feels active, feels productive and assuring. But strategy without state is fragile and strategy without regulation often turns into self pressure, micromanagement or burnout. So for now, we are deliberately putting strategy to the side. Not forever, just until the ground is ready. So as you listen to this episode, I invite you to notice, where is your body right now? Is there tension, busyness, collapse, holding? And what's the tone of your inner world? Not judging it or fixing it, just noticing that awareness alone begins to shift your state. And before we move into today's practice, if you are currently driving or operating heavy machinery, please ensure to pause the recording now and come back to it when you can safely come back into stillness. Otherwise, I invite you to find a quiet comfortable space, either seated or lying down, ensuring you are warm and fully supported. And whenever you're ready, feel free to gently close your eyes. And as you close your eyes and settle in, you might enjoy beginning to anticipate the change that can happen in this beautiful state where your conscious mind can gently drift and relax as your wise unconscious mind learns, integrates and heals. Like so many journeys, this begins with a single action. And to symbolize the start of your transformation, I'd like you to start with a deep breath in and let it out slowly as a sigh. Good. That's right. And just take a moment now to adjust your body in any way that it needs right now. See if you can adjust and make yourself just 1% more comfortable. There's nothing you need to do right now, nothing you need to achieve. Just allowing. And now, just imagine, only imagine now. Gentle roots growing from the soles of your feet. Down, down, down, down deep into the center of the earth, grounding you in this present moment. That's right. Let's begin with a gentle breath in through your nose and a soft breath out through your mouth. Let the body soften. Inhaling again through the nose. And exhaling like a gentle sigh. And one more time, inhaling in. And exhaling out. Just allow your breath to settle into a natural rhythm. Inhaling gently through your nose. And as you exhale slowly through the mouth, can you exhale as if you are fogging up a mirror? This soft wave like sound in the back of the throat is known as ocean breathing. And it gently stimulates the vagus nerve, allowing the body and mind to relax more deeply. And with each out breath, let the ocean sounds anchor you. Breathing in like a wave arriving and breathing out like a wave returning to the sea. Here now. Can you begin to notice where you feel the breath in your body? Perhaps just noticing the belly rising slightly on the inhale and gently falling on the exhale. Just noticing. No forcing, no correcting, just awareness. And now letting go of the ocean breath, we begin to lengthen the exhale just a little. I'd like you to inhale for 4. 3, 2, 1. And exhale for 6. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. And again. Inhale for 4. 3, 2,. 1. Exhale for 6. 5, 4,. 3, 2, 1. And if that feels comfortable, just continue on at your own pace. And let the breath become quieter, lighter, slower. Each exhale gently signals safety to the nervous system. Each exhale invites you closer to a sense of. Of inner home. And now let's release the counting and let the mind have a simple task. Just noticing the exhale. And notice how with each out breath, the shoulders drop, the weight settles, Gravity receives you. Just continue to let awareness rest on your outbreath. And now let's bring our attention to the inhale. The gentle lift, the subtle lengthening of the spine. Good. That's right. And now let's bring our awareness to the entire process. The inhale and the exhale. Awareness to both the lift of the inhale and the softening of the exhale. So we're both awake and relaxed. And from here can we imagine softening the skin, softening the edges, becoming just a little more porous, a little more receptive. We are open, grounded and spacious. And as you soften into this awareness, you might notice the quiet truth that we are all connected in this simple act of awareness. Not as an idea, but as a living reality. And notice what that awareness does to sensation, to emotion, to presence. And now drop all effort and simply feel the breath moving, effortless, circular, natural. And allow the body to breathe you. The nervous system settles, the edges melt, the mind becomes quieter. And you can notice my words. And notice noticing my words. And notice noticing. Your body can relax and your mind can relax. Your breathing carries on all by itself. Your mind carries on thinking all by itself. And you can just watch them wander away, Releasing tension from the jaw, the eyebrows, the shoulders. Awareness now to the whole body resting, supported. Awareness to the whole physical body, The whole body. Bringing awareness back to the breath. And can you now just imagine. Only. Only imagine. Now as you inhale, the breath is entering in through the crown of the head, flowing down gently into your heart space. And as you exhale, the breath leaving through your heart center, breathing in through the crown of the head, down into your heart space, breathing out through your heart space at your own pace and your own rhythm. Dropping all effort now just being. Like waves arriving and returning, each breath carrying you deeper into presence, into rest, into yourself. Good. That's right. And can you bring awareness back now to the room you're in? And start to wiggle your fingers and toes, moving your head from side to side. And whenever you're ready and not a moment before, feel free to gently open your eyes. This has been the work of state. It's not dramatic or flashy, but it is profoundly transformative. Because when your state shifts, your story becomes more flexible. And when your story softens, the path forward begins to reveal itself. And looking ahead Next week on Mindful Mondays, we'll turn our attention more fully to story the narratives you live inside, the meanings you've inherited or constructed, and how gently reworking these stories opens up new possibilities. And remember, if you want to deepen this work, you'll find many supportive practices on my Insight Timer channel, including Morning Mind mastery and my 14 day nervous system Regulation Course. Small, consistent moments of regulation change everything. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you for listening, and most of all, thank you for tending to your inner world with such care. I'll meet you again next Monday. And until then, just remember, we're all just walking each other home. Foreign.
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Random influencer, a friend who read something somewhere your doctor. It can be hard to know where to get trusted health information. TED Health is a podcast that will help you focus on the stuff that you actually need to know to live your healthiest life. I'm Dr. Shoshana Ungerleiter, a practicing internist, and I share weekly TED talks from certified health experts that break down the questions you're always getting different answers to get the science backed ideas for a healthier you with TEDhealth wherever you get.
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Your podcasts, Acast helps creators launch, grow and monetize their podcasts everywhere. Acast. Com.