← The Neurodivergent Experience
The Neurodivergent Experience
Mindful Mondays With Ashley Bentley: The Circle of Control | Finding Steadiness in a Season of Too Much
00:29:09
Start Your Week With Presence & Purpose
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- [00:00]
Ryan
Knock knock.
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Tony
Ooh, who's there?
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Ryan
A Boost Mobile expert here to deliver and set up your all new iPhone.
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Ashley Bentley
17 Pro, designed to be the most powerful iPhone ever.
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Tony
You called that a knock knock joke?
- [00:10]
Ashley Bentley
This isn't a joke. Boost Mobile really sends experts to deliver.
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Ryan
And set up your phone at home or work.
- [00:14]
Ashley Bentley
Okay. It's just that when people say knock.
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Tony
Knock, there's usually a joke to go with it.
- [00:18]
Ashley Bentley
Like I said, this isn't a joke.
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Tony
So the knock knock was just you knocking?
- [00:22]
Ashley Bentley
Yeah, that's how doors work.
- [00:23]
Tony
Get the new iPhone 17 Pro delivered and set up by an expert wherever you are. Delivery available for select devices purchased at boostmobile.com, terms apply.
- [00:30]
Ryan
Hey, you want to pay just 10 bucks for your phone service at Boost Mobile? Just 10 bucks for your phone service at Boost Mobile? Yeah, I totally do. Yeah, I totally do.
- [00:45]
Tony
This holiday, the best gift is for you. Pay just $10 a month for the first two months and $25 a month forever with unlimited data, talk and text offer valid@boostmobile.com after your first two months, you'll pay $25 a month unless you go online or call to cancel. Requires autopay.
- [01:00]
Narrator/Announcer
The longer you stay alive, the longer you can enjoy Boost Mobile's unlimited plan with a price that never goes up. So here are some tips. Do not parallel park on a cliff if you want to enjoy an unlimited plan with a price that never goes up. Do not mistake a wasp nest for a pinata if you want to enjoy an unlimited plan with a price that never goes up. Do not microwave a hard boiled egg if you want to enjoy an unlimited plan with the price that never goes up. Stay alive and enjoy Unlimited Wireless for $25 a month forever with Boost Mobile. After 30 gigs, customers may experience lower speeds. Customers will pay $25 a month as long as they remain active on the Boost Mobile unlimited plan.
- [01:31]
Ashley Bentley
Foreign. S to Mindful Mondays, your weekly sanctuary for nervous system nourishment, soft clarity and gentle presence. Right here on the Neurodivergent Experience podcast. And last week in episode 14, we explored the quiet weight that December can bring. The loneliness, fatigue, the sensory avalanche, the emotional pull of old stories, and the subtle ache of trying to hold too much. And this week, we are shifting into a different kind of medicine. Something grounding, something tender. Something with edges you can actually feel and grip and lean on. Today, we are exploring the circle of control, a deceptively simple framework that works like a compass for the neurodivergent nervous system. And this isn't just theory. This One is lived, it's embodied, it's practiced, and it has changed lives. Especially the life of one of my dear friends and the the co host of the Neurodivergent Experience podcast, Jordan James. If you listen to episode 75 of the Neurodivergent Experience, you'll remember the conversation we had about this very tool. And you might remember the moment when Jordan said, with his candid mix of humor and awe, that the circle of control had become the most effective anger regulation tool he's ever used, especially behind the wheel. It helped him transform those moments where anger would spike like lightning into something slower, clearer and more manageable. Not because anger disappeared, but because he stopped trying to control what was never his to manage in the first place. And that's really the heart of this. When you stop controlling what isn't yours, you reclaim the energy that allows you to regulate, respond and return to yourself. And this episode is about that return, not to perfection, but to steadiness. And at the end of today's episode, I'll guide you into a short and deeply soothing yoga nidra practice, framed around the art of choosing your focus so that you can embody the circle of control not just as an idea, but as a lived, felt sense in your body. So wherever you are right now, settling in with a cup of tea, or maybe you're driving or walking, resting or listening quietly with December light creeping in through your window, I invite you to soften into this moment and open your awareness to the freedom and sovereignty available to you right now. So we know that every nervous system is seeking safety. This is something we covered on Mindful Mondays all throughout November. And the neurodivergent system is constantly processing more sensory signals, more emotional data, more uncertainty, and more invisible demands than the average nervous system. Life is, by default, more unpredictable, more variable, more intense. And unpredictability is the nervous system's kryptonite. You can think of your nervous system like a river. When the current is steady and predictable, you can swim in it. But when the water becomes choppy, with too many demands, too much input, too many unknowns, that's when your nervous system begins scanning, embracing, anticipating and preparing. And this is why neurodivergent people often reach for control. Not because they're rigid or inflexible or dramatic, but but because control creates predictability, and predictability soothes the nervous system. But here's the painful paradox. We so often are drawn to try and control the wrong things. We try to control other people's emotions, other people's Timing, other people's opinions and boundaries, other people's behavior, the future, past mistakes, traffic, other people's expectations. It's exhausting. And not because we're not capable, but because these things were never ours to control in the first place. This is why the circle of control feels like exhaling after holding your breath for years. Because. Because control is not the problem. It is simply misplaced. So let's imagine something together. Imagine you're holding on to 10 ropes, and each rope is connected to a different person, situation, expectation, or emotion. And some ropes belong to your past, some to your family, some to strangers on the Internet, some to the cultural pressure of December itself, and some to the version of you you're trying so hard to be. And you think you must hold all 10. And you think dropping any of them makes you irresponsible or careless or unkind. And so you pull and you strain, and your nervous system strains with you. And soon you begin to feel that familiar December fatigue, that quiet dread, that internal tightness that says, I'm carrying too much. This is more than I can hold. The circle of control is simply the act of looking at each rope and asking with tenderness rather than shame, is this actually mine? Because some ropes are yours. Your choices, your boundaries, your actions, your focus, your voice, your breath, your presence. But most ropes are not. And when you let go of the ones that were never yours, something remarkable happens. You regain the strength in the hand that holds what is yours. This is where regulation becomes possible. And not because life becomes easier, but because your system finally gets to focus. So let's return to episode 75 of the Neurodivergent Experience. Because what happened in that conversation wasn't just funny or relatable, it was profound. Jordan talked about how anger used to rise up in him while driving. The unpredictability of traffic, the injustice of someone cutting him off, the sensory jolt of sudden noise and the rapid shifts of attention, the pressure of reacting quickly. It was all the fertile ground for dysregulation. And he said, this is the first thing that's ever worked for me behind the wheel. It was the moment he realized that the other drivers were not in his circle of control. Not their speed, not their behavior, their awareness, their decisions, their timing or their emotional state. All he could control was his breath and his grip on the wheel. His reaction, his posture, the story his mind told about the situation and the space inside his chest. He stopped trying to control the storm and started controlling his inner atmosphere. And it changed everything. Because anger is not the enemy Misplaced control is okay. So let's look at what is actually in the circle of control. Your circle of control includes your breath, your focus, your choices, your pace, your boundaries, your mindset, your action in the next 30 seconds, the story you choose to nourish, the energy you invest, the meaning you assign something and the compassion you extend towards yourself. Everything else lives outside the circle. And the moment you place something outside the circle that never belonged inside it, you gain power not over the world, but over your internal state. This is regulation. This is clarity. This is sovereignty. This is peace. And there's a wonderful metaphor that shows this beautifully. It's not formally Buddhist, but spiritually adjacent and incredibly relevant to the circle of control. Imagine being bitten by a snake, and the venom is in your bloodstream. Your arm is swelling and your body is sounding the alarm. And instead of treating the bite, you spend all of your energy chasing the snake, demanding answers, trying to make sense of why it bit you, trying to capture it. Prove something, win something. Rewrite the moment. Meanwhile, the poison is spreading. And so many of us do this with emotional wounds. We chase the source instead of tending to the injury. We chase the person instead of tending to the body. And we chase the story instead of tending to the nervous system. Letting go of what's outside of your control is not surrender. It's survival. It's how you stop the venom from shaping your life. The circle of control helps you see the snake is outside of your circle, but the bite is inside it. And we have a choice here. To chase the snake or to heal the wound. And in that choice is freedom. So here's a small reframe to carry with you this week. I can't control the situation, but I can control my presence in it. Small but powerful. And there's another incredibly important layer here. And without it, the circle of control can become confusing and pressurized. Because while this practice helps us let go of everything outside of our influence, there is a subtle trap inside the circle too. Trying to over control the things that are in your control. Micromanaging your breath, micromanaging your emotional state, micromanaging your reactions and timing and internal responses. The nervous system isn't built for that level of self surveillance. In fact, neuroscience shows us that the more we try to consciously manage a process that was meant to flow automatically, the more unstable the system becomes. This is the heart of paralysis by analysis, when overthinking interrupts the very neural pathways that were designed to support effortless action. And before we drop into our yoga nidra practice, I want to share a quote from actor and musician Jeff Goldblum that has stayed with me ever since I first encountered it. When asked what single piece of advice had shaped him the most as an artist, he quoted his acting teacher, Sanford Meisner, who said, use what exists. Don't resist the moment. Don't fight the reality in front of you. Don't insist that things should be different before you can meet them fully. Use what exists. There is always something in the present moment that can be worked with, danced with, shaped, honored. And for us, living with neurodivergent nervous systems, this advice becomes nothing short of liberation. Because when you use what exists, you step back inside your circle of control. You stop wrestling the moment and begin participating in it with clarity, presence and groundedness. And Goldblum said something else that I love. There is something perfect in whatever surrounds you if you meet it correctly. And this is precisely how the circle of control works. You take whatever is present, whatever is happening, and you meet it with the part of you that can respond. Your breath, your body, your meaning, your next 30 seconds. Use what exists. Meet the moment, and use what is in your control to dance with it. Which brings us beautifully, naturally, right into Yoga Nidra, a practice built on the art of choosing where your awareness rests. And if you are currently driving or operating heavy machinery, please ensure to pause the recording until you can safely come back into stillness. Just find a comfortable position now. You could be seated or lying down, whatever feels most comfortable for you right now. And just let your body soften into the surface beneath you and allow your breath to settle, slow and gentle, like snow falling in the quiet of night. Yoga Nidra is not sleep. It is not effort. It is not concentration. It is a state of relaxed awareness where the mind becomes quiet enough to choose what it focuses on. And this is where the circle of control becomes embodied. And take a slow, deep breath in. And a long, soft breath out, Bringing awareness now to the sensations inside of your mouth, the taste buds, on your tongue, the tip of the tongue, the root of your tongue. Feel the teeth and the gums inside the right cheek, inside the left cheek, the roof of your mouth, the upper lip, the lower lip, the space in between the lips, the tip of the nose, the bridge of the nose, the space between the eyebrows, the right eyebrow, the right eye and eyelid, and all the little intricate muscles behind the right eye, the left eyebrow, the left eye and eyelid, and all of the tiny little muscles behind the left eye, the center of the forehead, the scalp, your hair, the right ear, listening, receiving sounds the inner ear and all the muscles surrounding the right ear. Softening into deep relaxation. That's right. The left ear. Listening, receiving sounds. The inner ear. Find all the intricate muscles surrounding the left ear. Becoming soft and loose and deeply relaxed. Awareness now to your chin, the base of the throat, the center of your chest. The right shoulder, elbow, wrist, palm of the hand. The tips of all five fingers. The entire hand, the whole right arm. Back to the heart center. The left shoulder, elbow, wrist, palm of the hand and the tips of all five fingers. The entire hand, the whole left arm. Back to the heart center, the diaphragm, the lower belly, the entire pelvic ball, the right hip, knee, ankle, heel of the foot, sole of the foot, top of the foot, the tips of all five toes, the entire foot, The entire right leg. The left hip, knee, ankle, heel of the foot, sole of the foot, the tips of all five toes. The entire foot, the entire left leg. The whole left side of the body. Feel the whole left side of the body. Awareness now to the right side of the body. Feel the whole right side of the body. Awareness now to the entire physical body. The whole body. Feeling the whole body. Good. That's right. And can you imagine now a circle drawn on the ground in front of you. A simple ring of light glowing softly like the pale shimmer of the moon on snow. This is your circle, your space, your sphere of influence, your internal home. Step into it slowly now, in your imagination. And feel the warmth rise beneath your feet. As you enter inside the circle. Feel what belongs here. Your breath, your attention, your boundaries, your self, compassion, your pace. Let these settle gently around you like lanterns placed in a sacred space. And now bring to mind something that has been overwhelming you lately. A situation, a person, a demand, a December expectation, a pressure that feels heavy in your chest. And picture it standing just outside your circle. Not in exile, not in rejection, but simply outside your sphere of control. And notice the relief in that. Breathing in, saying inwardly, this is not mine to manage. And breathing out, saying, I return to what is mine. And feel your nervous system soften as your focus narrows gently to the things inside the circle. Your breath, your grounding, your choice of where attention rests. Your warmth, your awareness, your heart. Let the outer world fade slightly, not ignored, but no longer gripping your system. You are here, inside your circle, inside your agency, inside your peace. And when you are ready, you can hold this sense of inner steadiness like a candle cupped between your palms, fragile and luminous, but entirely yours. And let your breath deepen, returning gently now to the room. And when you're ready, and not a moment before you can feel free to gently open your eyes. Thank you so much for joining me today, for returning to your own center, for stepping into your circle with honesty and gentleness. The circle of control is not about closing off the world. It's about reclaiming the space where your nervous system can breathe again. If December feels heavy, if you're tired in a way that goes beyond sleep, if your system is stretched thin by the noisy edges of the season, just remember, you don't have to hold everything. You only have to hold what is yours. And if you'd like more support this week, you can always join me over on my Insight Timer channel. There you'll find yoga, nidras, loving kindness practices courses, bedtime stories, grounding exercises, and so many gentle ways to settle your nervous system. Whenever you need a moment of calm, just search for Ashley Bentley. Next week, we'll continue our December journey with an episode on Radical Permission, a soft, liberating exploration of doing December your way. Until then, may you walk lightly, may you carry only what belongs to you, and may your heart remember that peace is not the absence of chaos, but the presence of clarity. And as always, remember, we are all just walking each other home.
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Ryan
Hey, you want to pay just 10 bucks for your phone service at Boost Mobile? Just 10 bucks for your phone service at Boost Mobile? Yeah, I totally do. Yeah, I totally do.
- [30:59]
Tony
This holiday the best gift is for you. Pay just $10 a month for the first two months and $25 a month forever with unlimited data, talk and text offer. Valid@boostmobile.com after your first two months, you'll pay $25 a month unless you go online or call to cancel. Requires autopay.
- [31:15]
Ashley Bentley
Save over $200 when you book weekly. Stays with VRBO this winter. If you haven't seen your college besties since, well, college. You need a week to catch up in a snowy cabin, take a week long vacation and save over $200. Book now@vervo.com.
- [31:32]
Ryan
Right across America, people listen to the Tony and Ryan podcast every day.
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Ashley Bentley
That's us.
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Ryan
By the way, I'm Ryan. This is my best friend Tony.
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Ashley Bentley
Howdy.
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Ryan
Don't just take our word for it.
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Ashley Bentley
G'. Day.
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Ryan
M.J. from Pittsburgh. How did you discover our podcast? I first discovered Tony Orion as with recommendation.
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Ashley Bentley
They absolutely exceeded my expectations to the point where I was like, I must.
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Ryan
Be a part of this in crowd. Oh my God. I've never been part of the in crowd before. Were you part of this one? I'm Tony in crowd.
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Ashley Bentley
Wait.
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Ryan
She'll work on that. You come listen, Tony and Ryan.