← The Neurodivergent Experience
The Neurodivergent Experience
Mindful Mondays With Ashley Dupuy: Thoughts Are Not Facts | Growth Mindset for Neurodivergent Minds
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Can I make my site firmer?
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Can we sleep cooler?
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Welcome back to Mindful Mondays. I'm your host Ashley Dupuis and some of you will know me as Ashley Bentley. I've recently changed back to my maiden name and I'll share more about that another time, but for now, just know you're in the right place. Same podcast, same me. This is your weekly space to slow down, soften the edges, and meet your inner world with curiosity and care right here on the neurodivergent Experience podcast. So whether you're autistic, adhd, highly sensitive, or simply curious about consciousness and change, you are very welcome here. And last week we explored resilience, getting comfortable, being uncomfortable, and learning how to bounce back in a way that honors your nervous system. And today we're going a layer deeper into the mind side of that. How we frame our experiences and how embracing a growth mindset can gently change our state, our story, and the strategies we reach for. So you might remember back in episode three, we talked about the shoulds and the have to's and how shifting them into I get to can completely change how a moment feels. And today is like the long form version of that idea. And as always, if you'd like to take this work further in practice, you can find my courses yoga, Nidras, bedtime stories and meditations over on Insight Timer. They're all designed to support sensitive and neurodivergent nervous systems to feel a little more held. So let's start with the raw material here. Thoughts. Thoughts often feel like they are happening to us. A running commentary popping up out of nowhere. You're behind, you should be further along, you'll never get this. And if you are neurodivergent, this internal commentary can be very loud and very persistent, especially if you've spent years masking being misunderstood or feeling out of step with the world around you. Now, science still doesn't fully understand how thoughts arise or where exactly they come from. Some of the greatest minds in neuroscience will happily tell you. This is still a mystery. But we do know two crucial things. You are not your thoughts, and you can change your relationship to them. So one of my favorite questions here is, can I look at my thoughts rather than through them? When you look through a thought like I'm useless, the world appears tinted with that belief. Everything you see becomes evidence for it. But when you look at that thought, almost like a cloud passing through the sky of your awareness, you create a little bit of space. And in that space, you can remember. Thoughts are not facts. They are mental events. They are stories your brain is telling, often to try and protect you, and often based on very old data. And for neurodivergent nervous systems, which are often wired for pattern detection and threat detection, this becomes a superpower once it's harnessed. The same brain that can catastrophize brilliantly can also reframe brilliantly once you learn how. And this is especially relevant if you live with ocd, which is part of the wider neurodivergent landscape. All human brains generate a constant stream of thoughts, and for many neurotypical people, most of these rise and fall below conscious awareness. Our neurodivergent brains can have more conscious awareness of these thoughts, and with ocd, it can feel as though the volume on that stream is turned up and the spotlight of awareness gets stuck on particular thoughts, especially the scary, strange, or taboo ones. So that doesn't mean that your brain is worse. It means you're more conscious of what most people barely notice. So the difficulty isn't the existence of intrusive thoughts. Every brain has those. It's the meaning we give them and the compulsions that follow. This is why the practice of remembering that thoughts are not facts can be so powerful, particularly for ocd. You're not choosing those thoughts, but you can slowly learn to choose how much authority you give them. And that's where growth mindset and reframing become really supportive companions. So psychologist Carol Dweck introduced the language of a fixed and growth mindset. A fixed mindset assumes your abilities and intelligence are pretty much set. A growth mindset sees them as flexible things you can develop with effort, learning and support. And on paper that sounds very simple, doesn't it? But in a neurodivergent or sensitive nervous system, it can be more layered. Many of us have had repeated experiences of struggle in work, school relationships that taught us I'm not good at X, I can't do yes, I always fail at Z. That's not just a belief, it's often a protective strategy. If you have been repeatedly shamed or overwhelmed, saying I can't can feel safer than risking another painful attempt. So I want to be very clear here. Adopting a growth mindset is not about gaslighting yourself. It's about into pretending everything is equally easy for everyone. It's about gently shifting from I'm broken and I'll never change to I have a unique brain and body, and within that reality there are still ways to grow, adapt and support myself. So a growth mindset in this context might sound like learning is harder for me in noisy environments, but I can find ways that work for my brain or planning is difficult with my adhd, but I can experiment with systems reminders or body doubling or my sensory overwhelm is real and I can still grow my capacity to meet it with more tools and support over time. So at its heart, a growth mindset is about seeing challenges as opportunities to learn, not proof that you're failing. It's about valuing practice over perfection. And for your nervous system, this shift is profound. Instead of every hard thing feeling like a verdict on your worth, it becomes a field for experimentation. So a growth mindset and reframing are deeply connected. You can't really have one without the other. Reframing is the practice of changing how you interpret a situation, not in a fake, toxic, positivity way, but in a way that is more truthful and more helpful. It's about asking, is there another story I could tell about this moment that leaves me feeling more resourced and less trapped? So a few everyday neurodivergent friendly examples could be, let's say you miss a deadline because your executive function has crashed. An old frame might be I'm hopeless and unreliable, but you could reframe that to be my nervous system has hit its limits. This is information about what supports I need next time, not proof of my worth. Another example could be you leave a social event early because your sensory system is fried. The old frame might be I'm so antisocial, everyone must think I'm rude. The reframe could be I honored my capacity. That's actually an act of self respect and nervous system care. Or Another example could be that maybe you struggle to start a new habit. The old frame on that might be I clearly don't have what it takes. Or you could reframe it to be My brain finds initiation hard. Tiny, flexible steps will probably work better than big, rigid ones. And notice how in all of these examples, the facts don't change. What changes is the meaning, and meaning is what your nervous system responds to most. And back in episode three, we played with shifting I have to into I get to. I have to do my admin becomes I. I get to support my future self by doing this. Now I have to rest can become I get to give my nervous system what it genuinely needs. Now these may sound small, but your body hears those words. It feels the difference between obligation and choice. And if you've listened to episodes 12 and 20, where we explored the stories and the narratives we live inside, you'll probably hear the echoes here. Reframing and a growth mindset are two of the most powerful tools we have for actually shifting those stories, not just intellectually, but in a way that your nervous system can feel. Each small reframe is like editing a single line in the script of your life. And over time, that script picks becomes more truthful, more spacious, and more on your side. So this is where mindset stops being fluffy and becomes very practical for your state. In episode nine, we talked about the nervous system ladder, the polyvagal ladder, the parasympathetic green regulated section at the top, and then moving down the ladder into the middle yellow sympathetic section where there's fight, flight and fawn, and then finally moving down to the bottom of the ladder into the red zone, the freeze or shutdown section. And framing and mindset about what's happening in any given moment can nudge you up or down that ladder. For example, you could have a thought of I'm failing again. The emotion around that thought is shame and fear. How you experience it in the body might be a tight chest, shallow breathing, heart racing, and the likely state that you're in would be yellow or red, activation or shutdown. Now, if you reframe that thought to be I'm learning what doesn't work for me. That's still data. So the emotion around that is curiosity, maybe a bit of disappointment, but less shame. Feeling it in your body, your shoulders drop a little and you breathe a bit deeper. So the likely state that you're in will be closer to green, closer to presence and connection. The external situation might be identical, but your inner narration has changed and your physiology follows. And William James captured this beautifully when he said, most people live, whether physically, intellectually, or morally, in a very restricted circle of their potential being great emergencies and crises show us how much greater our vital resources are than we had supposed. Neurodivergent or not, we often live in a tiny circle of what's actually possible for us. When we consciously shift our mindset, we're not pretending everything is easy. We're stepping closer to that wider circle of our potential. And Hugh McKay takes it further by challenging the cultural obsession with happiness. He says, wholeness is what we ought to be striving for. And part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure. I'd like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word happiness and to replace it with the word wholeness. Ask yourself, is this contributing to my wholeness? And if you're having a bad day, it is. And that's a profound reframe. Instead of, how do I get back to happy? The question becomes, how do I become more whole? And from a neurodivergent perspective, this is such a relief. Your hard days don't disqualify you from a meaningful life. They are part of the curriculum. So let's ground this in a few more human stories. Singer Tina Turner reflected on a life that included immense trauma and wrote about how her hardships gave her a mission. She said, after I began practicing Buddhism, I realized that my hardships could give me a mission, a purpose. I saw that by overcoming my obstacles, I could build indestructible happiness and inspire others to do the same. Everything that came my way, both the highs and the lows, became an opportunity for self improvement and for sparking hope in others. So she's not saying that the abuse was okay. She's saying, I refuse to let this be meaningless. I will alchemize it. And that's growth mindset at an existential level. And comedian Joan Rivers, in her very direct way, puts it like, she said, listen, I wish I could tell you it gets better, but it doesn't get better. You get better. The external world may always be messy and biased and unpredictable, and our nervous systems may always be a bit quirky, a bit tender, a bit extra. But we can grow in how we meet all of that. An author, Kurt Vonnegut, shares a story about being a teenager and listing all the things that he did. Theater, choir, violin, piano, art classes, and then dismissing them by saying, I'm not any good at any of them. And the archaeologist that he was speaking to then said to him, I Don't think being good at things is the point of doing them. You've got all of these wonderful experiences with different skills and that all teaches you things and makes you an interesting person no matter how well you do them. And for so many neurodivergent people raised in achievement focused environments, this really hits home. And you may have internalized the idea that something is only worth it if you can win at it. A growth mindset says, the process is what shapes you. The joy, the attempt, the curiosity. Those are enough. And because episode 23 feels like the perfect moment for this, let's talk about basketball great Michael Jordan, who Wore jersey number 23 and who's been very open about his neurodivergence. He said, I have missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I have lost almost 300 games, 26 times. I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed. Notice the reframe. Same facts, completely different meaning. Instead of I failed a lot, therefore I'm a failure. It becomes I failed a lot, therefore I learned, therefore I grew. And for neurodivergent brains that often feel like we're failing at the neurotypical game, this is pure gold. It's growth, mindset and action. Okay, so how do we actually apply this without turning it into another perfection project? Here are a few gentle invitations. First off, catch the fixed mindset sentence, be on the lookout and listen for phrases like I'm just not the kind of person who or I'll never or what's the point? You don't have to fight them. Just notice them as old scripts and start seeing if you can add in the word yet or the words I'm learning to. We discussed these back in episode 20. I can't do that yet, or I'm learning how to do that. Tiny change, huge nervous system difference. Also, ask the wholeness question. Instead of is this making me happy? You could try, is this contributing to my wholeness? And if you're having a hard day but you're being honest and setting boundaries or resting, that's wholeness. Remember your circle of control. And we went deep into this in episode 15, so I won't reteach it here. But mindset and reframing sit firmly inside that circle. You can't control other people, the past or the future, but you can gently influence the story you tell about what's happening now. And start practicing tiny reframes. Not my whole Life is secretly amazing. But little shifts like this is hard can turn into this is hard and I'm learning something, or I messed up can turn into I messed up and I can repair or adjust or even I'm behind can turn into I'm on my timeline, not theirs. Over time, these little reframes become part of your default wiring. You're teaching your brain that challenge does not automatically equal catastrophe. So let's move into a guided practice to help you feel what reframing and growth mindset can be like from the inside. And if you are currently driving or operating heavy machinery, please ensure to pause the recording now until you can safely come back into stillness and just find a comfortable position, either seated or lying down, Ensuring you are nice and warm and cozy and fully supported. And just let your body be as comfortable as it can reasonably be right now. And whenever you're ready, gently close your eyes. And let's take a slow breath in through the nose. And a long, easy breath out through the mouth. And again in through the nose. And out through the mouth, letting that exhale just be a touch longer than the inhale, signaling to your nervous system. We are safe enough to soften. Good. That's right. And can you now just imagine, only imagine now standing in front of a building. And from the outside, it looks a little like a cross between an art gallery and a library. Big windows, warm light spilling out onto the pavement. This is the gallery of your life. And when you're ready, step inside. And the space is quiet and soft. And the air feels calm. And on the walls are framed images, moments from your life. Some are big, some are small, Some you are proud of, and some you'd rather forget. Just take a moment to notice what it feels like just to be here in this gallery of you. And as you walk slowly along the first wall, you come to a frame that holds a memory of something you often just judge yourself for. It might be a meltdown, a missed deadline, a relationship that ended, a time you felt you failed or were too much. Just let your intuition choose. And stand in front of this frame and notice what's happening in the picture. You might see your younger self, or last week. You. You might see colors, shapes, or just sense the moment. There is no right or wrong here. And as you look, notice what thoughts arise. What a mess. I should have known better. I always do this. This is the old frame, the fixed mindset story. And now, gently imagine that beneath the image, there's a little plaque, like in a museum, with some words on it. Right now. Maybe it says something like failure or embarrassment or proof that I can't handle life. And take a breath and imagine you're holding a small golden pen. And with as much kindness as you can muster, you're going to edit the plaque. You're not erasing what happened, you are updating its meaning. And maybe you write something like evidence of how overwhelmed and unsupported I was and how hard I tried with the tools that I had. Or a turning point that showed me what my nervous system actually needs. Or a moment that hurt and also nudged me toward better boundaries or diagnosis or self knowledge. Just let your own words arise. You don't have to make it pretty, just more honest, more compassionate, more growth oriented. And take your time. And when you're ready, step back and read the new plaque to yourself. And notice what happens in your body as the meaning shifts. Maybe your jaw softens, maybe your shoulders drop a little, maybe your breath deepens. You've just practiced reframing in a way that your nervous system can feel. And now slowly move along to another frame. This one shows you doing something you enjoy, regardless of how good you are at it. Drawing, gaming, singing, hyper focusing on a special interest, trying a new hobby. And just see yourself in the act of doing, not performing, just absorbed. And underneath there's another plaque that might have read pointless or a waste of time, or not good enough to count. And again, pick up your golden pen and drawing on Kurt Vonnegut's archaeologist friend, you might write something like evidence of a rich, interesting life full of varied experiences. Or a moment where I let myself play, not to win, but to live. Or proof that I am more than achievement. I am a full human being. Let your own reframe emerge. And read it back and feel how it lands. That's right. And now for a moment, imagine the entire gallery. All the frames that currently have harsh labels under them, all the moments you've secretly used as proof that you're failing at life. And see them gently glowing with a soft light, as if each one is being updated one plaque at a time, not into fake positivity, but into truthful kindness. And as you do that, notice that some frames now read evidence of survival, or data about what I need, or beginning of a new chapter. Or proof that I keep going. And breathe that in. And notice now how it feels to imagine your life narrated in this way. And in the center of this gallery you notice a small table with a blank card on it. And on the card is a simple prompt in the story of my life. I am learning to see myself as someone who. Let your mind complete that sentence from a growth, mindset place it could be in the story of my life. I am learning to see myself as someone who keeps trying even when it's hard, or as someone, someone who learns from my nervous system, not fights it, or is allowed to be sensitive and still strong, or is writing a kinder story one page at a time. Choose your own words. And hold that sentence gently in your awareness like a seed, And we'll turn it into a tiny affirmation now, something your brain can come back to repeating silently inside two or three times. Now I am learning to see myself as someone who. And really let these words soak in, not as a demand, but as an invitation. As you now begin to leave the gallery, walking towards the door, and notice how it feels to know you can come back here anytime, to renegotiate the plaques, to soften the verdicts, to see your life with more context and compassion. Step out of the building now and back into your physical surroundings and feel the surface beneath you and notice any sounds in the room. And feel your breath moving in and out. Gently wiggle your fingers and toes, maybe roll your shoulders or stretch if that feels good. And whenever you're ready and not a moment before you can feel free to gently open your eyes. Thank you so much for joining me today. As this episode comes to a close, remember a growth, mindset and reframing are not about blaming yourself or not thinking positively enough. They are about reclaiming some of your inner authorship, especially in a world that has told many of us very narrow stories about what we're capable of today. We explored thoughts as events you can look at, not identities you must look through. And if you'd like to keep practicing this work with support, you can find me on Insight Timer. Just search for Ashley Dupuis, where there are meditations and courses designed to help your nervous system and your mindset become steadier allies, especially if you're neurodivergent or highly sensitive. And next week on Mindful Mondays, we are going to explore gratitude, but not in the usual kind of way. We'll look at what the science actually says gratitude does to the brain and the nervous system, how it can shift our state without denying pain, and how to practice it in a way that feels authentic for sensitive and neurodivergent minds. No forced positivity here, and no guilt if you can't feel it yet. So if you've ever felt resistant to gratitude practices or secretly wondered why they're so hard when everyone says they're simple. Next week's episode is for you. Until then, may you remember you are not your thoughts. You are the one who can choose little by little how to look at them. And as always, remember we are all just walking each other home.
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Why choose a Sleep Number Smart Bed Can I make my site softer?
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Can I make my site firmer?
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Can I? Can we sleep cooler?
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Sleep number does that cools up to eight times faster and lets you choose your ideal comfort on either side your Sleep number setting. Enjoy personalized comfort for better sleep night after night. And now during our President's day sale, take 50% off our limited edition bed Shop now for a limited time only at a Sleep number store or sleepnumber.com.