The Neurodivergent Experience
Episode: "Who Am I Without the Mask? Unmasking as a Neurodivergent Adult"
Host: Simon Scott (solo, with guest Ashley Dupuis)
Date: February 19, 2026
Episode Overview
This episode of The Neurodivergent Experience dives deep into the emotional and practical realities of “unmasking” as a neurodivergent adult, centering on the question: Who am I without my mask?
Simon Scott (broadcasting solo this week as co-host Jordan James is away) and returning guest Ashley Dupuis (formerly Bentley) discuss the layers of identity, the challenges of shedding social masks, and the chain reaction this process has on relationships, self-esteem, and daily life. The conversation is candid, supportive, sometimes humorous, and always grounded in lived experience.
Key Discussion Points & Insights
[02:02] – Introductions and The Metaphor of (Re)Naming
- Ashley opens the episode reflecting on her own name change (from Bentley back to Dupuis), using it as a metaphor for unmasking – a return to an earlier aspect of self after years of presenting differently for ease or acceptance.
- “There’s these things, these different masks that we wear. Some can be taken off, some require a little bit extra work to decide whether they're still useful in certain scenarios.” – Ashley Dupuis [04:50]
[05:32] – The Continuum of the Unmasking Journey
- Simon shares the realization that unmasking is an ongoing process, not a single moment of revelation. The perspective gained by having “distance behind me” in the unmasking journey is discussed.
- “I can feel like I can have conversations with people who are going through the unmasking process and I can give them good lived experience advice.” – Simon Scott [06:03]
[07:10] – The Identity Crisis: “Who Am I Without the Mask?”
- Ashley articulates the struggle of finding a clear sense of self post-diagnosis:
- Neurodivergent brains often crave certainty, leading to frustration when identity feels nebulous or ever-changing.
- “We're not just one thing. We're many, many things put together… We can really start to spiral in this identity crisis, this meaning crisis, this who am I beneath this mask?” – Ashley Dupuis [07:30]
- Simon highlights that masks are often reactions to others’ expectations:
- “A lot of the time the mask reflects who's in front of it, not behind it.” [08:10]
[09:02] – Are My Past Selves ‘Fake’?
- Ashley notes the fear that masked behaviors mean previous versions of oneself were inauthentic.
- “The percentage of what is you and what is a mask will be different in any given moment… it feels very destabilizing.” [09:02]
[10:13–12:07] – Masking as an Evolutionary Survival Strategy & Nervous System Fallout
- Ashley explains masking's evolutionary origins:
- Rooted in the need to fit into small tribes for survival—modern nervous systems can’t distinguish social discomfort from true danger.
- “Our nervous systems haven’t caught up. So it feels very frightening... to just be me.” [11:00]
- Simon points out that the stress response (fight/flight/freeze/fawn) is similar whether in mortal danger or feeling out of place at work. [11:07]
[12:07–14:48] – Lie Detector Analogy & Social Consequences
- Ashley notes continual masking causes chronic nervous system stress – like failing a lie detector.
- “When you’re used to a lifetime of masking, that feels kind of normal… but when you start to unmask, that feels very threatening.” [13:04]
- Both discuss how unmasking can make loved ones uncomfortable, leading to real interpersonal consequences:
- “The people in your life that are really good... […] There will be a little bit of adjustment, but they'll get used to it… The people that don’t get used to it… maybe I don’t spend as much time with you as I used to.” – Ashley Dupuis [14:25]
[15:02–16:02] – Emotional Fallout: Grief, Anger, and “Losing Skills”
- Simon and Ashley identify grief and anger as central, often unexpected emotions mid-unmasking:
- “As I was unmasking... the things I was very good at masking, I couldn't do as well anymore… I wasn't easy to be around.” – Simon Scott [15:34]
- Loss of previous social coping mechanisms leads to a destabilizing period, both for the unmasker and those around them. [16:02]
[17:09–19:00] – “Just Be Yourself” Is Not Helpful
- The cliché 'just be yourself' is dissected as a painful oversimplification.
- “Sometimes the worst thing you could tell anybody is, well, just be yourself. It's like, oh, great. Thank you.” – Ashley Dupuis [17:09]
- Ashley shares personal examples, like her struggle with habitual nodding, as instances where tiny masked behaviors persist, sometimes even when consciously challenged.
- “I thought, do you know what? Actually, okay, the nodding is just me. I am just gonna keep doing that.” – Ashley Dupuis [19:00]
[20:04] – Finding Your ‘Neurotribe’
- Simon and Ashley discuss the joy in finding authentic social groups post-unmasking, and the discomfort when older friends struggle with the ‘new’ you:
- “That's when you will start to attract your tribe, which is brilliant.” – Ashley Dupuis [19:44]
- “Nothing worse than being at a party and going, I'm killing the vibe. But I can't stop because I'm not finished yet.” – Simon Scott [20:04]
[25:04–26:45] – Boundaries, Disappointing Others, and the Fawn Response
- Ashley introduces a personal mantra:
- “I can disappoint people and still be safe.” [25:24]
- She expands this: “I can be disappointed and still be safe. I can make mistakes and still be safe.”
- Discusses fawning as a nervous-system-driven response, not a deliberate choice—recognizing it opens the door to change.
[27:24–29:59] – Re-examining Relationships, Narcissists, and Values
- Unmasking reveals which friendships were built on compliance or performance, and attracts manipulative people until boundaries are renegotiated.
- Ashley on predatory social dynamics:
- “Narcissistic people can pinpoint somebody who's doing that and they make a beeline for you… before you know it… it can be very unnerving.” [28:10]
- “Find what your core values are in life. That will give you proper boundaries… and help you highlight what's important.” [29:23]
[32:08] – Performance vs. Connection: Reactions to “Changing”
- Simon shares how respecting his energy limits leads to being seen as “different” or even “passive aggressive”:
- “When you stop performing, you find out who was connected to you and who was connected to the performance.” [32:08]
- “I stopped caring about being cool. I just wanted to sort of be myself.” [33:27]
- Ashley confirms that for many, fairweather friends fall away, leaving space for authentic connection.
[36:34] – Social Circle Shake-Ups and The “Tincture of Time”
- Ashley on realizing how earlier masking led to friendships with manipulative or controlling people, which fade as you unmask.
- “It can be very, very tough. Very difficult. But it does mean you are starting a new chapter of you will attract the right people in your life. The more you remove that mask and start to really celebrate this new learning of you.” [38:35]
[39:19] – Deepening Connections
- Both guests agree friendships become more meaningful with unmasking, even as the circle may contract:
- “Life becomes really deep and meaningful and just… It's really beautiful stuff.” – Ashley Dupuis [39:28]
- Simon notes the pride he feels in creating a welcoming home and building new, deeper friendships after working on his relationship with himself.
[41:26] – Helping Others as Self-Help
- Ashley shares a pearl of encouragement:
- “You only need to be one step ahead of somebody to offer advice or help or insight. You don't need to be an expert in anything to help somebody.” [41:35]
[43:20-45:02] – Treating Unmasking Like “Welcoming Your Demons”
- Simon describes shifting from seeking a cure for ‘demons’ to coexisting with them.
- “You've got to learn to live with them and recognize them and get to the point where you welcome them in when they come.” [43:21]
- Ashley emphasizes curiosity as a “signal of safety” for the nervous system—moving from shame to inquiry supports growth.
[49:14–54:10] – You Can’t Always Be Unmasked: Navigating Work and Social Situations
- Both hosts agree being 100% unmasked is not always feasible or safe:
- Professionalism, office politics, and social decorum often require a functional (if not entirely authentic) mask.
- “Once you unmask, it's very hard to put it back on.” – Simon Scott [49:14]
- “How can I stay truthful and authentic to who I am without completely offending everybody that I encounter?” – Ashley Dupuis [52:15]
- Simon: “It’s extremely difficult, especially in… a lot of the environment disables me.” [53:35]
[56:15–59:05] – The Confusing Reality of Masking: Oversharing, “Grassing,” and Social Norms
- Ashley shares how sometimes even truth-telling can backfire due to unwritten social norms (e.g., accidentally “grassing” on a coworker).
- “I just thought...I'll tell her. Just completely missed the fact that everybody else in the room knew to stay quiet. And I didn’t.” [56:17]
- Simon notes the challenge of being perceived as “off” for not adhering to expected small talk or social chatter.
- Both recall being chided for “not reading the room” even when mimicking appropriate responses.
[59:05–62:16] – Regulation as the Foundation of Authenticity
- Simon relates that it's much easier to be authentic when you are well-regulated:
- “It’s a lot easier to be authentic if you’re regulated. Because if you’re unregulated, it's really hard to mask, especially once the unmasking process happens. Putting it on takes energy.” [59:19]
- Ashley’s advice: focus on curiosity and interest in others to relieve social anxiety and shift out of hypervigilance about others’ opinions.
- “People's reaction says everything about them, very little about us.” [61:16]
[62:16–63:22] – Seeing Others’ Masks, Social Empathy, and Healthy Masking
- Both discuss recognizing mask-wearing in others, the wish to reassure them, and the reality that masking can sometimes still serve a purpose.
- “The more you get to know yourself, the more you'll get to see other people more clearly.” – Ashley Dupuis [28:49] (earlier reflection)
[63:50] – Advice for Listeners Beginning to Unmask
- Ashley’s Guidance:
- “Go easy on yourself and recognize… you will likely go on a very exhausting mental journey of re-examining your life… All emotions are valid. And so it's important that we don't try and push things away. Allow yourself to feel some complex feelings and know that those things will begin to re-pattern, reorganize within you.” [63:50]
- Emphasizes that unmasking takes years, and that support, research, and creativity can all be helpful.
Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments
- “A lot of the time the mask reflects who's in front of it, not behind it.” – Simon Scott [08:10]
- “You only need to be one step ahead of somebody to offer advice or help or insight. You don't need to be an expert.” – Ashley Dupuis [41:35]
- “When you stop performing, you find out who was connected to you and who was connected to the performance.” – Simon Scott [32:08]
- “I can disappoint people and still be safe.” – Ashley Dupuis [25:24]
- “Sometimes the worst thing you could tell anybody is, well, just be yourself.” – Ashley Dupuis [17:09]
- “It's a lot easier to be authentic if you're regulated.” – Simon Scott [59:19]
Timestamps for Key Segments
- [04:11] — Name change as unmasking metaphor
- [07:10] — The core “Who am I?” after diagnosis question
- [09:02] — Are past selves fake? Masking nuance
- [10:13] — Masking from a survival perspective, nervous system impact
- [14:48] — Friends’ discomfort with your unmasking
- [15:02] — The grief and rage of unmasking
- [17:09] — Why “just be yourself” isn’t helpful advice
- [19:00] — Persevering (or letting go of) subtle masking behaviors
- [25:24] — “I can disappoint people and still be safe”
- [32:08] — Discovering which connections were real
- [39:19] — How friendships deepen post-unmasking
- [49:14] — The challenge: you can’t always be unmasked
- [59:19] — The importance of self-regulation for authenticity
- [63:50] — Ashley’s advice: what to do if you realize you’ve been masking
Conclusion
This episode blends humor, vulnerability, and honest lived experience to illuminate the deeply personal, often nonlinear process of unmasking as a neurodivergent adult. Simon and Ashley remind listeners that while the journey involves grief, loss, and adjustment, it can — over time — yield deeper self-knowledge and more meaningful connections.
Actionable takeaways:
- Embrace curiosity towards your own patterns without shame.
- Understand that losing old connections makes room for authentic relationships and self-respect.
- Recognize that regulation and self-care are prerequisites for authentic unmasking.
- Remember: “You only need to be one step ahead of somebody to help.”
This episode is deeply validating for anyone questioning their own masking, seeking language for the experience, or looking for solidarity in a complex journey of neurodivergent selfhood.