Parenting While Deported

Summary

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Podcast Summary: The New Yorker Radio Hour – "Parenting While Deported"

Date: September 7, 2018
Hosts/Reporters: David Remnick, Sarah Stillman, Micah Hauser
Episode Theme:
An intimate, year-long look at a New England family torn apart by the deportation of their mother, Idalia, under the Trump administration’s immigration policies. The episode explores the emotional and practical consequences of separation, the changing family dynamics, and the daily realities of “parenting while deported.”

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Main Theme & Purpose

This episode profiles the family of Idalia, a Honduran immigrant who lived in the U.S. for nearly two decades before being deported. Her three children, Dayanara, Andy, and Arnold Jr., along with their father (also facing deportation risks), are left to navigate adolescence, household responsibilities, and their mother’s absence—all while maintaining a cross-border family life via video calls. The episode delves into the ongoing trauma, adaptation, and resilience experienced by families separated by deportation, highlighting both the acute and long-term impacts.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Family Introduction & Setting

• Dayanara's Room Tour ([00:15]–[02:11])
  • Listeners are brought into the everyday life of the family, focusing on the siblings’ shared memories and idiosyncrasies.
  • Dayanara, 14, is shown as reserved but quickly opens up, sharing personal artifacts and stories about her mother.

2. Mom's Deportation & Immediate Impact

• Idalia’s Arrest and Deportation ([06:01]–[07:07])
  • Idalia is detained and deported after a routine traffic stop.
  • The family describes the abruptness and lack of information from authorities.
  • The children’s hope is palpable, and the suddenness of the deportation is devastating.
  • “I thought she would get out because, like, everyone was hoping. She was talking positive about it.” —Dayanara ([03:04])

3. Maintaining Family from Afar

• Constant Digital Connection ([07:56]–[09:51])
  • The children and Idalia communicate via video calls multiple times per day; her virtual presence is integral to their routines.
  • “They would call her, and... would just have her following around while they’re playing video games or talking or eating dinner.” —Sarah Stillman ([09:31])

4. Role Reversals & Growing Up Too Soon

• Teenagers as Breadwinners and Caregivers ([11:23]–[15:07])
  • The older siblings take on jobs, household management, and sibling supervision.
  • Andy, 16, is balancing high school, work, and the sense of having to "hold everything together."
  • “I have to do everything. I have to pay the bills, send the checks, write the checks, mail the checks.” —Andy ([17:33])
  • Signs of stress and inadequate parental supervision—late nights, skipped meals, dependence on sleep aids.

5. Mental Health & Emotional Burden

• Anxiety, Insomnia, Loss ([20:08]–[22:13])
  • The absence of a central maternal figure leads to insomnia, academic decline, and emotional withdrawal.
  • Arnold Jr. drops out of school temporarily to work, despite his mother’s protests.
  • “Your education comes before anything. If I was down there... you guys wouldn’t be working at all.” —Idalia (reported by Arnold Jr., [22:13])

6. Visit to Honduras & Confronting Reality

• Summer Trip to See Idalia ([27:07]–[33:02])
  • The children visit their mom in Honduras, initially imagining a new, romanticized life with her.
  • They confront the country’s realities: safety concerns, economic hardships, harassment, and gang violence.
  • “I wanted to leave, like, so bad.” —Dayanara ([33:02])
  • For Arnold Jr., the contrast in earnings is stark: he makes more in an hour in the U.S. than his mother does in a week in Honduras.

7. Uncertainty, Risk, and Hopelessness

• Idalia’s Desire to Return ([34:19]–[35:42])
  • Idalia considers returning, legally or otherwise—acknowledging the mortal risks of crossing the border.
  • The family contemplates moving within the U.S. to avoid detection if she returns.
  • “In order to, you know, get over this fear, I think about maybe being able to see my kids again, being able to hug them, and that gives me the strength to try, but I still feel this fear that I could die.” —Idalia ([35:11])

8. Long-term, Invisible Toll of Separation

• Ongoing Effects ([36:46]–[37:49])
  • The constant separation is described as a “slow drip” taking a daily, accumulating toll—much more than a single traumatic event.
  • Dayanara now values her mother’s presence deeply and feels upset by peers who take their moms for granted.
  • “Your mom’s the one thing that you’re gonna love and miss forever.” —Dayanara ([37:21])

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Dayanara on Hope & Disappointment:
  • “I thought she would get out because, like, everyone was hoping. She was talking positive about it.” ([03:04])
• Andy on Pressure:
  • “I have to do everything. I have to pay the bills, send the checks, write the checks, mail the checks.” ([17:33])
• Idalia on Parental Powerlessness:
  • “I can cry from feeling so that I have my hands tied together.” ([25:17])
• Arnold Jr. on Shattered Dreams:
  • “I would have never saw my mom in Honduras because I thought America was, like, a place that dreamers want to come. Like, people dream to come here, but not anymore.” ([23:36])
• Dayanara on what is lost:
  • “Your mom’s the one thing that you’re gonna love and miss forever.” ([37:21])
• Idalia on the danger of returning:
  • “In order to... get over this fear, I think about maybe being able to see my kids again, being able to hug them, and that gives me the strength to try, but I still feel this fear that I could die.” ([35:11])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

| Timestamp | Segment | |------------|---------------------------------------------------------------| | 00:15-02:11 | Introduction to Dayanara and family setting | | 03:02-03:16 | Learning about mom’s deportation | | 06:01-07:07 | Details of Idalia’s arrest and deportation | | 07:56-09:51 | Maintaining connection via video, daily routines | | 11:23-15:07 | Children working, household changes, coping mechanisms | | 17:33-18:09 | Andy’s new responsibilities, father’s emotional state | | 20:08-22:13 | Impact on school, sleep, and emotional well-being | | 27:07-33:10 | Summer visit to Honduras, facing harsh realities | | 34:19-35:42 | Idalia’s consideration of returning illegally, fear for her life| | 36:46-37:49 | The “slow drip” of family separation; emotional impact |

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Conclusion

Through immersive storytelling and candid, emotionally charged interviews, the episode exposes the profound, multifaceted damage wrought by deportation—not just as a one-time trauma but as a relentless, evolving hardship. Idalia’s family is left in limbo, forced to mature overnight, bridge countries and generations, and find new ways to parent, support, and love one another despite the distance and uncertainty. The story is a testament to family resilience but also an indictment of the systemic forces that put families through such ordeals.

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Transcript

[Narrator/Producer]

From One World Trade center in Manhattan, this is the New Yorker Radio Hour, a co production of the New Yorker and WNYC studios.

[David Remnick]

Welcome to the New Yorker Radio Hour. I'm David Remnick. We're going to start here.

[Dayanara]

I want to show them my room.

Your room?

[Sarah Stillman]

Yeah, we definitely want to see that. Aw, that's a nice family photo.

[Dayanara]

I wasn't in it.

[David Remnick]

We're in a small city in New England in an apartment building with vinyl siding on a busy street, in the bedroom of a teenager named Dayanara, who's giving staff writer Sarah Stillman a tour.

[Sarah Stillman]

I like the lighting. Mood lighting. Smells nice, too.

[Dayanara]

This is sixth grade band. I used to be in band.

[Sarah Stillman]

What instrument did you play?

[Dayanara]

Piccolo and flute.

[Sarah Stillman]

Oh, cool.

[David Remnick]

Stillman, along with reporter Micah Hauser, has been talking with Dianara and her family for almost a year. They're trying to understand what this family is going through, something that's both extraordinary and at the same time, very common. And it's likely to get more common every day of the Trump administration. Here's Micah Hauser and Sarah Stillman.

[Sarah Stillman]

Dayanara is 14 years old, and she's a little quiet and shy at first, but she quickly warms up and is eager to tell us about her room.

[Micah Hauser]

She's got long, dark hair, and when we met her, she was wearing a hoodie and sort of fashionably ripped blue jeans.

[Sarah Stillman]

Holy crap, that pink bear is huge. What is that from?

[Dayanara]

My dad got me this for Valentine's Day.

[Sarah Stillman]

Like, literally as big as. It's bigger than you.

[Micah Hauser]

We went to see them for the first time on a cold day in March, and this is New England, so it was bitterly cold, and it felt like the depths of winter.

[Sarah Stillman]

And did you say, do you have any writings that you did for your mom or anything that.

[Dayanara]

They're in the closet, but my closet has a lot of bags in it.

[Sarah Stillman]

Okay.

[Idalia]

All right.

[Dayanara]

It's like, a lot. Tada.

[Sarah Stillman]

I like that purple dress.

[Dayanara]

Yeah, this is. I got this for free from a field trip.

[Sarah Stillman]

Really? That's gorgeous.

[Micah Hauser]

Dinar is the only girl, so she has her own bedroom. Her two older brothers, andy and Arnold Jr. Share a room. Their dad is working constantly as a janitor, so they don't see that much of him these days.

[Dayanara]

I think I found it.

[Sarah Stillman]

Yay. It's just stuck under all this.

[Dayanara]

Box.

[Sarah Stillman]

Yep.

[Dayanara]

This is some of the stuff that I was gonna send her, but this is the note that she sent me.

[Sarah Stillman]

Oh, that's nice. So your mom sent you these letters from there? Yeah. Hola. Mi princessa. It's from Mom. How are you, my beautiful child? And can I see the other letter?

[Dayanara]

These are some of the notes that my dad didn't get to send because she was deported.

[Sarah Stillman]

I see. So your dad wrote these notes, hoping to send them to her while she was in detention, but then instead, she was deported. I see. That's tough, because were you hoping when your mom was in detention that she would get to stay here?

[Dayanara]

Yeah.

[Sarah Stillman]

Or what were you thinking at that time?

[Dayanara]

I thought she would get out because, like, everyone was hoping. She was talking positive about it.

[Sarah Stillman]

I see. So you were feeling pretty hopeful.

[Dayanara]

Yeah.

[Sarah Stillman]

And how did you find out that that wouldn't be the case, that she was gonna be deported?

[Dayanara]

My dad told me, and I called Andy.

[Sarah Stillman]

And what did you say to Andy?

[Dayanara]

I was like, didn't you know that Mom's getting deported? He's like, no, wait, what?

[Micah Hauser]

Dayonara's mom, Idalia, was deported in 2017, and since then, she's been living in Santa Rita, Honduras.

[Sarah Stillman]

She sings this beautiful voice. I know. We want to hear Queremoso iro. We want to hear her single.

[Dayanara]

You want to hear my mom sing?

[Sarah Stillman]

Maybe your mom can start, and then you can sing.

[Dayanara]

She made that song for us. It's like. It's like, dia, Dia, come to Ma. And then, like, something about my dad going to us too. And then it's like a song that she made for us, like, when we were little kids, too close so we could be happy. And then every time she sing it, we'd get happy when she sang this song. And then she said it was hard for her because she had to sing it over the phone instead of in person to us.

[Sarah Stillman]

That's Andy, the middle child. He's 16 years old, and he and Dayanara are U.S. citizens, and their older brother, Arnold Jr. Has DACA status because he was a baby when his mother and father came to the US From Honduras. And how would you describe your mom's personality?

[Dayanara]

She's crazy.

[Sarah Stillman]

Like, what kind of crazy?

[Dayanara]

Andy used to have a hoverboard, and she would ride it and scream, cherry.

[Sarah Stillman]

Cherry. Why cherry? I don't know.

[Andy]

That was her favorite thing, too. She would, like, go down this hallway, like, the fastest. The hoverboard. Like that. And then she'll be like, cherry. And, like, spin and, like, for the.

[Micah Hauser]

Movie Big Mama, cherry.

[Sarah Stillman]

Oh, it's from the movie Big Mama. Okay, so at least she had a rationale.

[Dayanara]

Yeah.

[Andy]

And then, like, I taught her how to use the hoverboard, and then when like, one time she fell on her back. The first time she learned she fell on her back, but she got back up. She's like, I'm doing it again. I'm doing it again. Go back on the hoverboard. And then, like, she got a hold of it, and she actually started taking it to work. And she would ride around in the hallways at work, like. Like, zoom through the hallways so that.

[Sarah Stillman]

She would do her job on the hoverboard.

[Andy]

Yeah, basically.

[Sarah Stillman]

That's awesome. She must have been popular.

[Dayanara]

Yeah.

[Andy]

And then she was happy, like, oh, I have a hoverboard. She actually wanted me to send her the hoverboard.

[Sarah Stillman]

But in Honduras?

[Andy]

Yeah. I was like, are you crazy? He'll kill you for that.

[Micah Hauser]

So Adalia worked in a hotel doing housekeeping, and then later she was on the kitchen staff there. She and her husband had been in the US for two decades by that point. But people like Adalia only became a deportation priority after Trump was elected in late February of 2017. She got pulled over on her way to work early one morning.

[Andy]

So I was. I think it was like, 4:30, and I got a call, and I was like, oh, your mom got arrested. But they didn't tell me. The police station.

[Sarah Stillman]

Can you walk us through what happened?

[Andy]

Like, she was on the. On the light to take a right. If we go to the hotel, I'll show you where she was. And they pulled out the back and, like, they, like, surrounded her car, like. Like, they, like, trapped her.

[Sarah Stillman]

And who's the they?

[Andy]

The. The police. So they took her to the police station first, and then they processed her.

[Dayanara]

She only had.

[Andy]

Imagine she only had $25 cash on her, and they didn't. He's like. She's like, I'll give you my credit card. I'll do anything. I'll give you the pencil. You could go take it out if you want.

[Sarah Stillman]

What he's talking about, there is bail.

[Andy]

And then they said no. And then, like, 10 minutes after I got that call, they gave her to immigration.

[Sarah Stillman]

So over the last year, we've been reporting on immigration enforcement and specifically on mothers who've been deported under Trump. So Idalia became, for us, a way to understand what happens if you're sent back to Honduras without your kids. How do you take care of them? How do you mot them? By way of a computer screen or by way of a phone? Because Adalia was a super, super involved mom, and it's very clear that she wants to stay involved from Honduras. It's just a matter of Exploring, even methodologically. How do you mother from afar?

[Micah Hauser]

How often do you guys talk to her?

[Arnold Jr.]

Every day.

[Dayanara]

Oh, my God.

[Micah Hauser]

If you had to estimate.

[Dayanara]

24, 7.

Like, I'll show you how many missed.

[Andy]

Calls I get from her a day. Like, miss video call.

[Dayanara]

Miss video call.

[Andy]

Miss video call. Ms. Video call. And she does not stop calling.

[Sarah Stillman]

Was that today?

[Andy]

No, that's like, look, she called at 9:52-950 last night. 9529-539589-58958.

[Dayanara]

And then today she called that. 257, 306 and 318.

[David Remnick]

No.

[Micah Hauser]

What are you guys talking about?

[Dayanara]

Being president. I'm not going to be no president. That's scary.

[Micah Hauser]

Your mom's saying she wants to be president.

[Dayanara]

Yeah, she wants me to aim towards the goal of being a president of.

[Micah Hauser]

Honduras or America, of the US.

[Sarah Stillman]

So often when we were around the house with the family, it was kind of like Adalia was floating there. Like, her virtual spirit was there. They would call her, and they would leave the phone out, and they would just have her following around while they're playing video games or talking or eating dinner. They'd have her there, like, literally on their computer screen or holding up their phone. I love you.

[Andy]

I love you, too, Mommy. Okay, bye. I love you.

[Sarah Stillman]

Okay, I love you.

[Andy]

I love you, too.

[Sarah Stillman]

Bye.

[Andy]

But.

[Dayanara]

Yeah.

[Sarah Stillman]

Are you embarrassed to kiss your mom?

[Andy]

No, I'm not.

[Dayanara]

Well, like, sometimes.

[Micah Hauser]

So, like, normally, if you're a teenager, you can just be annoyed with your mom, slam the door, and walk away. Do you feel guilty about getting annoyed with her?

[Dayanara]

Yeah, sometimes I feel, like, straight. Like, when I. When I don't want to talk to her, I feel bad because it's. It's kind of, like, up. Like, she's not here, and then we're being. She wants to talk to us, and we're still being. But, like, sometimes, like, I just grab the phone and I talk to her because I feel like she. Her heart, like, hurts, like, when we don't talk to her. So that's. So it's like, I feel bad, but sometimes, like. Like she calls too much. Well, like, she doesn't call too much, but, like. Well, like, she does at the same time.

[Micah Hauser]

It's almost like. Like you've become sort of like a parent, in a way, to her.

[Dayanara]

Yeah. So, like, I don't know how to explain it. After a while, like, yeah.

[Micah Hauser]

You guys kind of take care of her.

[Dayanara]

Yeah. Well, I tried to send her Money? As much as I can. Yeah, I try.

[Sarah Stillman]

So when we met Andy and Arnold, they had started working in an arena, cleaning up after like monster truck rallies. They're high school kids, but they really felt they had to work after their mom was sent back. And they do this on the weekends and sometimes they do it after school, which their mom does not love. And they also spend a ridiculous amount of time playing video games. They're really, really into video games. Like that seems to be a primary sub occupation.

[Micah Hauser]

Yeah. Andy's got his laptop out and then Arnold's got Adalia on the phone and they're sort of not paying attention to anything because they're just looking at the game.

[Sarah Stillman]

Question. Do you guys have homework?

[Andy]

Yeah, but we do it like later.

[Sarah Stillman]

Okay.

[Dayanara]

I do it during school.

[Sarah Stillman]

Okay. I hope we're not keeping you from your homework.

[Arnold Jr.]

No, that's fine.

[Andy]

We usually do it later.

[Sarah Stillman]

Do you stay up late?

[Dayanara]

Yeah, he does. I don't. Because I don't.

I'm a complete vampire. Like if you were to fight right now, you're even realizing.

[Micah Hauser]

So it was after 11pm when we left their house, but they were still playing video games.

[Arnold Jr.]

Oh, no. You're gonna think you're doing. No.

[Sarah Stillman]

Are you gonna do a. Hey, how are you doing?

[Dayanara]

Good. Good.

[Sarah Stillman]

Should we whisper?

[Dayanara]

No, they should wake up by now.

[Sarah Stillman]

Okay.

[Dayanara]

Andy.

[Sarah Stillman]

Oh, you can let him. He's sleeping because I know. We got here early. We came back to the apartment around 6:30 in the morning, which is when they get ready for school. They were running around getting showered and dressed and ready and their dad had already left for work at 4 in the morning, so they were kind of getting ready on their own.

[Andy]

How was that?

[Micah Hauser]

Diana was just telling me. What time did you go to bed last night?

[Dayanara]

One o' clock in the morning.

[Micah Hauser]

And what time did you wake up?

[Sarah Stillman]

Five.

[Micah Hauser]

So that's four hours of sleep.

[Dayanara]

Yep.

[Sarah Stillman]

So you barely slept last night. You slept four hours.

[Dayanara]

It was worth it, though. The show is great.

[Sarah Stillman]

So you just stayed up because you wanted to watch your TV show?

[Dayanara]

Yep, I finished the first season. One, two, three.

[Arnold Jr.]

What?

[Sarah Stillman]

But how do you think. What do you think your mom would think?

[Dayanara]

She'd probably, like, take everything away from me.

[Sarah Stillman]

Your TV and stuff. Did you tell her when you talked her on the phone this morning?

[Dayanara]

No.

[Andy]

Is that your bus?

[Dayanara]

No, my bus comes at seven.

You know it's about seven, right?

6:53. Arnold, it's not seven yet.

[Andy]

Oh, my gosh.

[Sarah Stillman]

And is anything else different for you about your morning routine without your mom?

[Andy]

Usually we Eat and then, like, it makes my day better. But since I don't eat, like, I don't know, I'm grumpy in the mornings.

[Sarah Stillman]

Yeah. So you've become more grumpy without having breakfast?

[Andy]

Because usually I just eat and eat and eat in the morning.

[Sarah Stillman]

Yeah, but now you don't. What do you do instead?

[Andy]

I just sleep. I don't know.

[Sarah Stillman]

Do you get hungry at school?

[Dayanara]

Yeah.

[Andy]

I don't eat the breakfast there because it's nasty. It's like jail food.

[Sarah Stillman]

Like, jail food. Like, what kind of things?

[Andy]

It's like they give us, like, meat, but it's like you could taste how frozen it is. And then, like, I don't know if you know the difference in between fresh meat and frozen meat. It has a big difference. And the meat tastes just straight frozen and it's gross.

[Sarah Stillman]

And did your mom make frozen meat or fresh meat? So your mom would make. What else does she make for breakfast?

[Andy]

She used to make us omelets with cheese in them and everything. Just like, bagels. She used to, like, when she used.

[Dayanara]

To do the bagels for us, she.

[Andy]

Used to, like, toast them and then wake us up and say, eat. Ee. Come and eat. And then if we didn't eat, she'd get mad.

[Sarah Stillman]

So you're not used to going to school hungry?

[Andy]

No.

[Sarah Stillman]

Andy's 16 years old, so his big concerns before his mom was deported were things like girls and football. And he's all about the Snapchat. He's really into that from the moment he wakes up in the morning to the moment he goes to bed. And he's very charming, and you can tell that he's a very fun kid and a very confident kid. But you can also tell that the situation since his mom's deportation is just taking a really big toll on him.

[Micah Hauser]

He feels like he's got pressures from both sides. Right. There's like the normal kid pressures of just trying to exist in high school and make it through the day and have friends and do well. And then there's also this added layer that's been imposed on him where he has to step up and become like a third parent for this family.

[Sarah Stillman]

And do you feel like it's a lot of responsibility making sure everybody gets out of the house and your sister and your brother?

[Andy]

Because sometimes when my sister doesn't want to go to school, she grabs her pillow and her blanket and she falls asleep in her closet.

[Sarah Stillman]

Really? And what do you do then?

[Andy]

Well, like, so I don't know. She's there, but, like, I Know her little tricks now. And so I check every time I leave, I check the closets.

[Sarah Stillman]

Okay. Because that's kind of one of her tricks when she doesn't want to go to school.

[Andy]

Yeah. Her and my brother, they just hide in the closet because they know I'll make them go to school.

[Sarah Stillman]

And is that a more recent thing or have they always been hiding in the closet?

[Andy]

It's a recent thing they've been doing. I don't know why.

[Sarah Stillman]

Since your mom left. And it sounds like maybe your sister has gotten really not into going to school since your mom left.

[Andy]

She doesn't want to go to school at all or anything.

[Sarah Stillman]

And why do you think that is?

[Andy]

Because like, I feel like I know she's like hard headed and she doesn't want to take the fact that my mom's not here and she's like, I don't know, she's just stressed about it and then she worries too much about what would happen to my mom or what's happening to my mom and stuff like that.

[Sarah Stillman]

She worries about her safety and stuff.

[Dayanara]

Yeah.

[Andy]

Cause she knows it's dangerous over there.

[Sarah Stillman]

That makes sense. When it comes to his dad, it's really clear that Andy and he have a good relationship. His dad really cares about and is proud of Andy and all the kids in the house. And Andy clearly feels the same way about his dad. But it's clear that it's also just hard for him to be a kid doing all the regular kid stuff and be contributing financially by working at the monster truck rallies and be translating for his dad at doctor's appoint appointments. I mean, all of that. I think it creates some very genuine pressure.

[Andy]

Yeah. Like sometimes it gets annoying because my dad is like, oh, can you do this? Can you do that? Can you pay the bill? Can you come home? Can you do that? So basically like I have to do everything. I have to pay the bills, send the checks, write the checks, mail the checks.

[Sarah Stillman]

Do you think he's lonely?

[Andy]

I feel like. I don't know. Sometimes I feel like he just locks himself in his room and listens to music all day. And like sometimes he just falls asleep or like sometimes he doesn't even cook because he feels like. I don't know, I feel like he feels stressed out about my mom a lot.

[Sarah Stillman]

Have you noticed things that he. How do you notice when he's missing.

[Andy]

Your mom, he locks himself in his room and then just listens to sad music, like sad Spanish music.

[David Remnick]

That's 16 year old Andy talking about his father with Sarah stillman and Micah Hauser. Our story is called Parenting while Deported, and it continues in a moment. You're listening to the New Yorker Radio Hour. Welcome back to the New Yorker Radio Hour. I'm David Remnick. We're hearing the story of a family, a working class family living in New England. In 2017, their mother, Idalia, was arrested in a traffic violation and she was turned over to immigration officers, who then quickly sent her to Honduras after she'd been living in the United States for nearly two decades. Idalia is trying to stay an active part of her family's life while living with relatives in Honduras. She's constantly on video calls with her family, and the three kids leave her image up on their phones as they make breakfast or. Or go about their lives. Their father is in charge, but he's afraid of deportation himself. And it seems to have fallen to the middle child, Andy, a high school football player, to try to hold absolutely everything together. His two siblings, his anxious father, and his heartbroken mother. Sarah Stillman and Micah Hauser have been reporting on the family throughout the year.

[Micah Hauser]

A few months after we visited, Andy called me late one night, was sort of bummed out, and said that he'd actually been suspended from school for getting into a fight. When I asked him what happened, he said that his brother Arnold Jr. Was being bullied, actually. And even though Andy is younger than Arnold Jr. I think he sort of was the one who had to step up to defend him.

[Arnold Jr.]

I mean, I was, like, a little aggravated because I know Arnold's been going through, like, it's hit him the most.

[Micah Hauser]

When you say it hit him the most, what do you mean by it?

[Arnold Jr.]

Like, when my mom got deported, it affected him more than all of us. First thing was we started noticing my sister at first and then him after.

[Sarah Stillman]

How did you notice it?

[Arnold Jr.]

Because I was just looking at him. Like, every time we talked to my mom, like, he would, like, I don't, like, feel down and was like, oh, I miss her so much. I miss her. I miss her. I can't wait till I become a citizen so I can try to, like, bring her here. And then he's like, he just cries. I can. Like, at night, he cries. Wow. Cause all I hear is he doesn't have eyes or anything. So I'll hear like that.

[Sarah Stillman]

And then he goes, what do you say?

[Arnold Jr.]

And then I know I don't say anything because I feel like he's gonna feel embarrassed if I ask him, yo, why are you crying?

[Sarah Stillman]

So at that point, it had been almost a year Since Adalia was deported. And from talking with them, it was pretty clear that no one in the house was getting a decent night's sleep, and you could really feel the heaviness of it. It definitely seemed like things in the household had taken a turn for the worse. And when we last spoke, you mentioned that maybe your grades had been falling a little bit since your mom was arrested and deported. How's that going in terms of school and grades and all of that?

[Arnold Jr.]

I haven't been to school in a while.

[Sarah Stillman]

Okay.

[Arnold Jr.]

Because I. I didn't drop out, but I sort of, like, took a break, and I'm like, no, I need to work to help my mom, and I've been working in construction a lot for the past month.

[Micah Hauser]

What was it that. How did you can, like, convince them to let you not come after the suspension was over?

[Arnold Jr.]

Yeah, they think I'm. They think I'm in Honduras.

[Micah Hauser]

What do you think your mom would say? Does she. Does she know that you have this job?

[Arnold Jr.]

Yeah, she was pissed.

[Micah Hauser]

What did she say?

[Arnold Jr.]

Your education comes before anything. If I was down there. If I was down there, you guys wouldn't be working at all.

[Sarah Stillman]

That's what she says.

[Arnold Jr.]

Yeah.

[Sarah Stillman]

And what do you say back?

[Arnold Jr.]

I'm like, but it's my. You helped me enough, and now it's my time to help you.

[Micah Hauser]

Have you saved up a lot of money?

[Arnold Jr.]

Yeah.

[Micah Hauser]

How does that feel?

[Arnold Jr.]

I mean, it feels good because knowing that I have enough money to feed my mom and fill up her fridge.

[Micah Hauser]

You had told me that she found a job down in Honduras, too, right?

[Arnold Jr.]

Yeah, she works as a bartender.

[Micah Hauser]

And has she been liking it?

[Arnold Jr.]

I mean, it's something. She says. I only make $20 a week.

[Micah Hauser]

And remind me, how much are you making at this construction job?

[Arnold Jr.]

$24 an hour.

[Sarah Stillman]

Wow.

[Micah Hauser]

So you make more in an hour than your mom makes in a week?

[Arnold Jr.]

Yeah, and I work 10, 12 hours, so.

[Micah Hauser]

Andy, has this changed your idea of sort of, like, what it means to be a young person in America?

[Arnold Jr.]

Yeah, it's like, I wouldn't. I've never.

[Dayanara]

I.

[Arnold Jr.]

Like, back then, I would have never seen myself doing this.

[Micah Hauser]

Doing what?

[Arnold Jr.]

Like, working my ass off. And I would never. I would have never saw my mom in Honduras because I thought America was, like, a place that dreamers want to come. Like, people dream to come here, but. But not anymore.

[Sarah Stillman]

What did you see yourself doing?

[Arnold Jr.]

I saw myself, like, when I was a little kid. I was like, oh, I want to be a police officer. I want to be this. I don't know. But like, now I'm just kind of like, oh, I don't want to be a police officer. I don't want to be anything that has to do with the law. At one point, I was thinking of becoming a border patrol agent.

[Andy]

Oh, wow.

[Arnold Jr.]

So I came to bring my mom over the border.

[Sarah Stillman]

Sneaky move.

[Micah Hauser]

Yeah.

[Sarah Stillman]

Hola. Hola.

[Micah Hauser]

Adalia, do you feel like they're playing too many video games?

[Idalia]

I call them, and I tell them to sleep. I. I go online, and I see that they're connected, and I say, why aren't you asleep? And they say that they have insomnia. And honestly, they've been using medicine to sleep, and I don't know how to control this, how to help them.

[Micah Hauser]

Do you feel, Idalia, like you're getting the full story of what's happening at home?

[Idalia]

I hope so. I hope that. That they're not ignoring anything that's happening. I feel. I hope that they're telling me everything as it's happening. I hope that it's complete. They're not hiding anything from me, you know, the worry, because imagine how I feel sometimes. I can cry from feeling so that I have my hands tied together.

[Sarah Stillman]

You mentioned something about the medicine they've been taking. Can you tell us more about that? And I wonder if it's scary to feel like you can't control that kind of thing. As their mom.

[Idalia]

Yes, it scares me, because I even didn't really know at first. And sometimes, you know, I suggest them that, you know, maybe they don't need the medicine. Maybe, you know, they can just control the things that they're doing that they shouldn't watch tv, they shouldn't, you know, control their life a little bit more.

[Micah Hauser]

Later, we learn that the kids have been taking melatonin and didalia, and to an extent, Arnold Sr. Are both sort of grappling with this lack of control over how their kids are coping with this incredibly stressful situation. And these bits of information that maybe in an earlier iteration of the family, before Adalia's deportation, would have been shared out in the open. And now there's really no one sort of watching over to make sure that everyone is on the same page. And Arnold Sr. Is, by all accounts, a great dad. He's there, but he's working a lot to support the family. And on top of that, he's got his own deportation case to contend with. So it's really fallen on the kids to take care of themselves.

[Sarah Stillman]

Back when we went to see the kids, they called their mom in Honduras, and we got to Have a little tour of the her home there by video camera. There goes a guy on a little motorcycle hammock.

[Micah Hauser]

Yeah. She's showing us this neighborhood. There's a little. There's a dirt road and a patio that's gated in some white wicker furniture, which I guess is where she sits to talk to the kids.

[Dayanara]

She said that she's not happy because we're not there, but when we come, she's gonna be very happy.

[Sarah Stillman]

Are you gonna go together this summer?

[Dayanara]

Yeah.

[Sarah Stillman]

Okay. So for all three of the kids, being away from their mom was just getting unbearable by a certain point. And they really started to dream about going down to Honduras to be with her. And since Andy and Dianara are US Citizens, they really started to flesh out that dream. What it would be like to go spend time with their mom down in Honduras to think about enrolling in school, going to the park with her, just spending their days with their. And finally, this past summer, they decided to get online, buy a ticket, and make the trip to be with their mom. And there was some question about whether or not they would ever come back.

[Micah Hauser]

Did she pick you guys up at the airport?

[Arnold Jr.]

Yeah.

[Dayanara]

Yeah.

[Micah Hauser]

Did she bring a sign or something?

[Dayanara]

Yes, she did.

[Arnold Jr.]

She made a sign.

[Micah Hauser]

What did the sign say?

[Dayanara]

Welcome to Honduras. Diana.

[Arnold Jr.]

Yeah.

[Sarah Stillman]

How did you feel when you saw the sign?

[Arnold Jr.]

I was like, oh, I already knew it was coming since I landed on the.

[Dayanara]

She's one of the crazy, crazy moms, like, that goes all out, watch mom.

[Andy]

Hold the sign with pictures on it.

[Arnold Jr.]

And I was like, oh, my God.

[Micah Hauser]

Were you embarrassed or was it cool?

[Arnold Jr.]

I just knew it was coming, so I was like, see, I told you to. My sister.

[Sarah Stillman]

Did you sing you any songs?

[Arnold Jr.]

No. Oh, God, no.

[Dayanara]

No.

[Sarah Stillman]

Okay. What was it like to be without your dad relieving?

[Arnold Jr.]

My mom barely made us clean.

[Micah Hauser]

Did you feel like she was spoiling you?

[Arnold Jr.]

Yeah, way too much. She was just like. We would wake up and she would have, like, waffles or pancakes ready for us. And then the house already clean everything. Like, I'd feel bad, but, like, she'd have everything already done that we had to do.

[Sarah Stillman]

Hmm. That's helpful. Again, anything else that she did special for you?

[Arnold Jr.]

She let us. Well, she let me drive wherever I wanted to.

[Dayanara]

She let me drive, too, but she was in the car.

[Arnold Jr.]

But she didn't trust my sister as.

[Andy]

Much as she did. I got.

[Sarah Stillman]

Did you guys have a driver's license?

[Dayanara]

No.

[Sarah Stillman]

Critical fact. How did you feel about driving? Did you like it?

[Arnold Jr.]

I felt good. I was like, it Felt nice.

[Dayanara]

I wanted to speed.

[Sarah Stillman]

Okay. You got some perks, then. From Honduras.

[Arnold Jr.]

Nice. I'm.

I met some girls over there.

[Dayanara]

Of course you did.

[Arnold Jr.]

Yeah. I met this girl. I don't know. We became close, and then she's like. I started going to her house, and then we started going out to eat and stuff like that.

Wow.

I met her at church.

[Sarah Stillman]

Okay. That's reputable.

[Micah Hauser]

Yeah. Quite wholesome.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Arnold Jr.]

My cousins took me, and that's where I met her.

[Sarah Stillman]

Did you tell. Are other girls back in the U.S. jealous about that?

[Arnold Jr.]

Oh, definitely. Like, I posted on Instagram and then everybody was like, what, you got a girlfriend in Honduras now?

[Sarah Stillman]

Okay.

[Arnold Jr.]

And then the girls over here were kind of jelly.

[Sarah Stillman]

So if you were trying to describe Honduras to your friends, what would you say?

[Arnold Jr.]

It's hot. The mosquitoes will eat you. But it's really beautiful. It's like. I don't know, you got to. The people are really, like, friendly. Well, some of them.

[Dayanara]

And some of the men, older men are disgusting. Like, when they see a young lady.

[Arnold Jr.]

They're perverts.

[Dayanara]

Yes.

[Sarah Stillman]

Oh, really? Like, what's that?

[Dayanara]

Like, they make a sound.

[Sarah Stillman]

What type of sound?

[Arnold Jr.]

They go like. Like that to call you. Or they go like that. And they go behind you, or they talk to you. They'll call you, like, mommy and stuff like that.

[Sarah Stillman]

Oh. How did you feel about that, Dianara?

[Dayanara]

Disgusted.

[Arnold Jr.]

My sister thinks it's America. She told some guy she was gonna call the cops on him.

[Sarah Stillman]

Oh, really? How did that go?

[Arnold Jr.]

That guy was like, what the hell? I was like, yo, this is not America. The cops will not do anything here.

[Sarah Stillman]

But in terms of the security stuff, did you feel safe walking down the street or walking around in the city?

[Dayanara]

No, I did.

[Arnold Jr.]

I didn't really care.

[Dayanara]

I didn't really know people, so. No.

[Arnold Jr.]

But my mom, she really. She really wanted me to cut my hair, all of it. Because only the gang members have man buns like this.

[Sarah Stillman]

Did she have any other things she wanted you to do like that? For security?

[Arnold Jr.]

She wanted me not to wear pants, not to wear too expensive shoes. She didn't let me wear nothing. Nothing. Basically nothing. I had to go, like, with plain clothes, like, over here. I like putting, like, a bandana on over there. You can't do that because you'll. They'll think you're in a gang.

[Sarah Stillman]

And did you hear about that kind of thing when you were down there? Like, anybody getting killed or stuff like that?

[Arnold Jr.]

The only thing we heard about, one of our cousins got killed, but he was in. He wasn't in good stuff. He. He was in the 18th street gang.

[Sarah Stillman]

Okay.

[Arnold Jr.]

And then people from the Ms. 13 killed them.

[Micah Hauser]

Was the life. I mean, was it harder than you imagined it would be, or was it about the same?

[Dayanara]

It's hard.

[Sarah Stillman]

Because. Did it change your sense, Dianara, that you would ever want to live there full time? Because I remember you saying maybe you would think about moving down there to be with your mom.

[Dayanara]

It definitely. I wanted to leave, like, so bad.

[Sarah Stillman]

So you don't think you would ever live there?

[Dayanara]

No.

[Sarah Stillman]

Okay. The kids had had this very romantic idea of staying down in Honduras, getting to be with their mom and having all these fun times and maybe moving there. But it was pretty clear by the time we spoke when they were back that reality had set in, and their dad had made it clear that he needed them back before school started. They had intended to spend another two months down there, come back to school way late, and their dad didn't want them to fall behind, so he moved the flight back, and they got home and got ready for school.

[Micah Hauser]

Yeah. So now it's sort of back to how it was before the visit. You know, talking to Adalia on video calls multiple times a day. Andy's back on his grind. He's working a landscaping job so he can keep earning money to send his mom. And he's also going to football practice twice a day and just sort of getting geared up for the school year.

[Sarah Stillman]

And it seems like the reality is really setting in that the family is just going to be separated and have to live their distant lives unless Adalia can find some way to come back, which is both incredibly dangerous to make that journey and also, if she does it unauthorized. It's a felony.

[Idalia]

One day I'm gonna be there, and not right now. I can't go legally, but maybe. Maybe I'll go. Maybe I'll go anyways.

[Micah Hauser]

Do you have plans to try to come back?

[Sarah Stillman]

I.

[Idalia]

You know, for my part, if. If I can. If I can go, I'm going just like that. I'm trying first through a legal way, and we'll see. I'm. I'm putting my faith in God, but if I have to, those are my plans. I'm coming back any way I can.

[Sarah Stillman]

And the trip back to the US Would be really dangerous. Right. Are you worried about that crossing over the border and what could happen?

[Idalia]

Yeah, that worries me a lot. A lot. And that's why I'm afraid to do it. That something could happen to me, that I could die. I'm afraid to die sometimes. In order to, you know, get over this fear. I think about maybe being able to see my kids again, being able to hug them, and that gives me the strength to try, but I still feel this fear that I could die.

[Sarah Stillman]

So if Adalia does try to come back, it's certainly one of the most dangerous journeys in the world, one on which the majority of women are said to face sexual assault or other forms of persecution. And even if she does get here, the family knows that they just won't feel safe anymore. Living even under the same roof in New England, just driving to work, going to the grocery store. All of those daily things now feel laced with peril. And so they've decided that if Adelia makes it back, that they're going to move to New York or move to New Jersey or to someplace where they won't be as easily found and targeted by immigration enforcement.

[Micah Hauser]

In many ways, that impulse to move speaks to the collateral damage that is felt by families all over the country as a result of the Trump immigration enforcement regime. This sort of. These tentacles of fear that pervade daily life when you have a parent who has been separated or maybe another undocumented parent who has yet to be separated, but that threat is constantly looming.

[Sarah Stillman]

Yeah, I think when we first met this family more than a year ago, I still thought of deportations as a moment in time, a discrete moment when a family was pulled apart and following them over all this time, for me, what has really stood out is realizing that it's also this slow drip, drip, drip of what it means every day to wake up without your mom, to have her not there when you're brushing your teeth at the end of the night. And the toll that long term separation takes, that to me, is an invisible part of the family separation.

[Dayanara]

I get mad, like when my friends disrespect their moms and they're like, no. Like, I feel, mom, why don't you do it yourself? And I'd be like, dude, don't talk to your mom like that. Your mom's the one thing that you're gonna love and miss forever. And then they're like, oh, she's annoying this. And I was like, trust me. And then they're like, oh, what do you know about stuff like that? I'm like, just trust me. And then, like, I tried to, like, tell them that it's not cool. It doesn't look cool on him or anything.

[Andy]

Yeah.

[Sarah Stillman]

Do you feel like some of your friends don't even have gratitude for the fact that their moms actually are around.

[Dayanara]

Yeah, it's kind of upsetting, but it's life.

[David Remnick]

Staff writer Sarah Stillman reporting with Micah Hauser of the New Yorker. And you can find everything Sarah's written for us on immigration and other [e-mail] I'm David Remnick, and that's today's episode. We've got a new episode of the New Yorker Radio Hour podcast up every Friday and Tuesday. You can find us wherever you get your podcasts [e-mail].

[Narrator/Producer]

The New Yorker Radio Hour is a co production of WNYC Studios and the New Yorker. Our theme music was composed and performed by Meryl Garbus of Tune Yards, with additional music by Lexus Quadrado. This episode was produced by Alex Barron, Emily Bottin, Ave Carrillo, Rhiannon Corby, Jill Duboff, Calalia, Karen Frillman, David Krasnow, Louis Mitchell, Sarah Nix, Stephen Valentino and Richard Yehudis, with help from Michelle Moses, Emily Mann and Jessica Henderson. The New Yorker Radio Hour is supported in part by the Tsarina Endowment Fund.

[David Remnick]

Hi, this is David Remnick. There's so much at stake in the coming midterm elections. How will candidates of both parties respond to the presidency of Donald Trump? How will Democratic voters respond to new faces on the campaign trail and new arguments about key issues? Which scandals really matter and which are just election season noise? We're exploring all of these questions in depth, of course, at the New Yorker, and you can find all of it in our Midterms 2018 newsletter. Every week, our writers and editors will tell you what's happening across the country and why it matters. Sign up [e-mail] midtermsnewsletter that's newyorker.com midtermsNewsletter.