B (5:34)

So good to be here.

A (5:36)

Yay. So, to begin, for people who maybe have not listened to the first episode we did together, I'd love to have you introduce yourself and talk about your path to where you are now.

B (5:46)

My name is Chandra Cantor. I'm a mom, three boys. I'm a yoga teacher, a life coach, a dancer, and really, really passionate about community. Fostering community, creating community, building healthy community, helping others do that.

A (6:07)

Awesome. I love that. So Sandra and I have known each other for many years, and I would say even though we don't live in the same place. I would say that we are in community together. We've met each other through dance, through a place called Earth Dance, where it's a very community oriented space. And I think community is a value that you and I definitely share in our lives. And I think community can mean a lot of different things for different people. So to begin, I would love to hear what community is for you, why you value it, why it's important to you.

B (6:46)

Yeah, well, like many things, I didn't know that I needed it until I needed it. I didn't know it was a missing. And I think that might be true for a lot of people. The loss of community shows up in so many ways. And for me, it first started to show up when I had a kid. And at the time that I had a kid, I was 26 in Cambridge area. And people in Cambridge don't tend to have children in their 20s, they have them much later. So none of my friends were doing what I was doing. And I felt so isolated in this massive life shift and not having support. It was like, okay, I'm in this tiny little insular family. This is not working so well. What is wrong here? And felt quite deficient as a person, but came to realize it's not me, it's the system. This is not the way to raise a child, actually. And meanwhile, at the same time, I often go to California. My dad lives in California, he's lived there my whole life. So it's a place where I visit often. And my dad has a beautiful, vibrant community in Santa Barbara that I would dip into, experience, notice, and felt really connected to these people that I would see twice a year. But where are my people? Where's my community? I'm back in the east coast and I don't have this thing that I'm recognizing more and more is essential for human well being. So I was on this, where is it? Who are my people? And at first I thought it was something out there that I had to find. And I think it was actually when I first started going to Contact Improv where we met. And at the beginning of the Contact Improv dance, there would often be a circle where everyone would say their name and maybe one other thing like a circle of sharing. And in that simple act I was like, oh, this is how you do it. We are a community. This random grouping of people here sitting today is a community. And we're doing it by purposefully gathering and sharing with one another. So from that point on, in my yoga classes, I started each class with a circle where, you know, we share our names, injuries, requests, and then a random question. The random question brings some amount of somebody's individual, like what we might share in common, the uniqueness that we can begin to know with one another. And slowly, slowly, over years, I have created a sense of community wherever I go. I think of it as a community feeling that I bring through the culture I create. Whenever I have a say about it.

A (9:38)

I love that. I love that it's a mindset shift. It's not just about having a set group of people that you're always connected with, but it's like a lens that you're looking at the world through that's so powerful because anybody can access that, right?

B (9:56)

Absolutely, absolutely. And I noticed it strongly at Earth Dance. When I go to Earth Dance, you know, it's like there is something special going on here. We're dancing. Yeah, but there's something else going on. What is it? And it was like trying to, you know, taste the soup. And what are the ingredients inside the soup? What are the essential ones? And the more that I've gotten clear on what I see that they are and speak it explicitly, I notice that it enhances it and it gets better and better.

A (10:30)

And so what are some of the ingredients that make the soup super tasty?

B (10:33)

Yeah. So one, I think is making it explicit that everyone is welcome as they are. Like, however they're feeling is welcome. Whatever they're coming in here with, their body, their mind, their history, their identity is welcome in the space. And there are some identities that maybe historically have felt really unwelcomed and so they need that explicit welcoming. Another one is making it also explicit that each person taking really good care of themselves is encouraged. So whatever is being offered in the collective is not overriding anyone's individual needs for care for themselves. And you know, when I'm in charge, I like to tell people where the bathrooms are, where the water is, you know, me, snacks, basic human needs, and that you can leave at any time. When I know my autonomy and my safety and my well being are being considered, I'm more relaxed and then can be open to whatever else is happening also, if possible, introducing that we can all do that for one another. That like, what if I'm not only out for my well being, but I'm actually tuned into us as a collective, whatever this random grouping is, whether it's a class, a workshop, a retreat, housing community, a school community, that I'm looking at the community as a whole and as best I can, supporting its well being, including all of its individuals.

A (12:25)

I love that. And something that that brings up for me is this idea that in a community, and when we're doing that, there's going to be some times where some member of the community might be having a harder time or needing more support. And that the way that the community as an organism can support that person. And it's not a transactional arrangement. It's not like I'm supporting you now, and now you have to support me. It's like the organism supports, and then another time there's another person who needs more support, and then the organism supports that person. And yeah, nobody's keeping score of it, but it's something that's happening naturally in the organism to support the health of that organism. And I think that also requires for each person to be able to take up space, which is something that you're saying, that each person be able to take care of themselves, which I think that sometimes can be a challenging part of community for people is a feeling that they are worthy of taking up space in the community.

B (13:27)

I'm thinking of 10 things at once that I'm excited to talk about with what you just said. So I'll pick one. One of the other super important ingredients I find is a commitment to resolution of conflict and a holding that there are situations, but not necessarily problems that we can hold. Whatever is going to come up. There might be rubs, there might be. This isn't working for me. There might be needs for clarity around guidelines or expectations, but that we can hold. Whatever happens, we're here for it. We're not going to banish anyone because they've made a mistake or they have.

A (14:17)

Different beliefs or ideas or thoughts. And I think that's so important, especially right now in our country. I live in rural Maine, so there's a lot of different political ideologies. And I live in a neighborhood where people probably have very different beliefs than I do. But I think our sense of community in the neighborhood is this land. In this neighborhood that we live in, we all hold that. That's the bigger container of the community. So we're able to support each other. My neighbors and I, we all have really good relationships. If somebody needs something, if I'm stuck in my driveway, my neighbor with the tractor could come in, will come and plow me out or help me out. So there's like that sense of even though we have different beliefs, different ideas around things, we can still support each other in this sense of community.

B (15:12)

Yeah, yeah. It's like holding that we are collaborators, comrades, on the same team rather than adversaries. Even when we have big differences about what we like or believe or look like or engage with. And yeah, gosh, what a shift there would be if we all took that on. Like, everybody I meet is probably a really good person doing their best, and I'm curious about them. And of course, you know, with some people, what doing their best looks like is maybe something I need to be a little further away from, which brings in the idea of boundaries being a really necessary part of care for oneself. And one's community is like, what's the distance that I can love and accept you and be safe and feel good.

A (16:05)

Yeah. I'm really glad that you mention that. That community doesn't have to be giving all of yourself all the time. You get to choose the proximity that you are with different people in the community or different aspects of the community. That's really important.

B (16:24)

Yeah. And that brings up a point where the ability to say no and trusting that the other people can say no is so important. And I know some communities actually just practice that, do workshops around saying no. And I notice I ask for help from people who have given me a no already because I know that I can trust them and then I can ask for what I want. Some people don't know how to say no, so I'm not going to actually ask them because they might end up over giving and resenting me or harming themselves in their giving to me. I don't want that. That's not good for the collective.

A (17:05)

Yes. Yeah. As a recovering people pleaser, I can definitely relate to that. That saying no can be so hard sometimes, and it's something that's so valuable. And going back to what you said in the beginning about having these values of the community be explicit, that we all have this ability to say no, to take care of ourselves when we need to, to give when we need to, to take care of our own energy when we need to. That gives more permission, I think, for people who have the tendency to people please to know everyone else is taking care of themselves.

B (17:40)

Yeah. Yeah. And that's where the community comes in. Let's just trust all needs will be met, all the things will be done. It's not healthy for a couple people to run themselves ragged at my expense.

A (17:55)

Right.

B (17:56)

It's hard because on a global level, I mean, that is really happening. And I have no idea what to do about that or how to create homeostasis at the scale that I recognize is out of balance. But. And I do have say in the people that I actually interact with so I can do my best to create wellness where I have impact.

A (18:21)

Exactly. And when I think about the nervous system as well and how we resource ourselves, I still use the words self care, but I'm moving away from that a little bit because it's when we can resource ourselves through these self care practices and how us resourcing ourselves helps us to show up better for our community and for the larger things that are going on in the world. But it does start with us resourcing our own nervous systems so that we're regulated in our interactions with other people and can model that and can create those strong bases of community.

B (19:01)

Yeah, yeah. That's an interesting idea of taking out the self in the care. And I think it's a, you know, noticing what your tendency is. Maybe your tendency is to only notice and care for yourself, in which case, yeah, like bring it out. What else is going on around you? You and some folks, it's like I'm the last person to think about, I'm caring for everybody else and meanwhile I'm getting sick and overrun. So for those bringing it back in. And I think, yeah, balancing can I care for myself and other as if we are one? Because we sort of are.

A (19:39)

Yeah, yeah. Can you talk more about that? About the spiritual aspect of community compared to the individualistic aspect?

B (19:48)

Yeah, yeah. So, you know, I'm a yoga teacher. Non dualism is the frame with which I view reality. So from that perspective there is only one thing. And you could call that God, love, ground of being, consciousness. It's the unnamable, it's infinite, it's connected, it is all that. And from my belief system, I am that we are that. Pronouns don't work so well when it's just one thing. But that is. And of course as a person, I also have this body and this individual identity that I get really consumed with taking care of and making sure it's okay in the world. For my spiritual practice, I do want to have a felt sense of being more than myself, more than my little body. I want to know myself as connected to all of life. And the life that I interact with is my community and the land, my family, my partnership. So the more that I can relax into my identity as more than myself, the closer I am to knowing myself as God.

A (21:12)

Just small stuff, just little, just little things. I love that.

B (21:21)

For my spiritual awakening, I want to be in right relationship with the universe. I want to love and be in right relationship with the universe. What is my lived experience of the universe. It's the things around me. The person right in front of me is my universe. How do I love and care for and feel a sense of belonging with the checkout person or, you know, the right neighbor or whatever it is? From the yogic perspective, you know, it is all just one thing. But the supposed differentiation is actually just for the purpose of play. Like that when I look different, that you and I appear to be different is so that we can have a playful interaction. It's the universe playing with itself. And in that way, oh, my gosh, what an opportunity. Look at all these beautiful beings with such different bodies and minds and abilities and ideas and preferences and inclinations. It's like, what is the alchemy? What is the magic? And I think that's another big ingredient in a healthy community is celebrating difference, celebrating power and beauty and others. For me, through nobody's fault, I was raised with a competitive attitude, especially towards other women. You know, your power, your beauty, that's a threat to me. Like, oh, you're doing so good. It's in comparison to me. I'm not doing as good. I gotta make myself better. I gotta prove myself. And it's like, what a loss that is, because when we can see ourselves as one, you're doing your awesomeness in the world like, you're doing it for me. I don't have a podcast. Hell, yeah, you've got the podcast. Thanks for having the podcast.

A (23:26)

I mean, I have to say, it's one of the reasons that I love the podcast so much is that I get to do this thing that's beneficial for people to get to take in this information. And I also get to support my business, and I also get to support my friends. I get to have friends or people I don't know. But it creates this web in this community. How can we be more generous and create more connections and support each other?

B (23:55)

That brings up another. I haven't ever written this stuff down, but I definitely hold it in my head. Another key ingredient to the soup is appreciation. Speaking your gratitude, saying what you see that you like. Wow. I just love what a great interviewer you are, Kristen. You pull out interesting stuff. I feel so comfortable in your presence. Thank you for whatever work you did to get to be you. You make my life better. You know, like, sharing that kind of gratitude for the people in your life, it lights them up and it brings their light out more. And I just want to know, what is everyone's most shiny, beautiful, fully expressed self? The world needs that all in competition for Our very survival. There is a loss of magic.

A (24:53)

Yeah. Especially when we can come together and support each other. Thank you. I do feel much more lit up right now. Thank you so much for that. And so community sounds pretty great. It sounds pretty awesome. But how and how do we create this? How does one who maybe doesn't know where to start? How do we do this for ourselves?

B (25:17)

Yeah. I mean, very simple, all the time, everywhere, what I just said, saying what you like, compliment people, highlight what's working. Have people be seen in your presence, Let them know you see them, you appreciate them, be vulnerable, share what's hard. I think, you know, there's this value on looking good and feeling good all the time. And if we look at social media, we are going to judge that maybe I have something wrong with me because look at all these people looking good and feeling good all the time. When in actuality life is quite hard. There's a lot of other feelings. Grief for one. Making space for grief and tired and slow and unsure and down. Anybody who knows me, I am so open about everything that's going on in my life. If you ask me how I am, I'm going to tell you. And even if I don't know you very well, I am happy to tell you about my inner world because that makes us closer. And when I do that, it invites others to do that as well. Also asking for help, people want to do it all on their own. We've been conditioned to think that we have to so giving and receiving support. And it often has to start with asking for it. People don't feel comfortable. But once somebody has asked me for something, I feel much more like, okay, I guess I can ask them and then start it more. Remind your neighbor, hey, don't forget I'm here for you. Do you need something? And showing up for one another in support and in the hard stuff, I love that.

A (27:14)

Yeah. I moved to Maine maybe a year and a half ago, so I left community that I had created and moved to a new place where I only knew a couple people and have been in this process of creating community here. And one of the things that's been so amazing is first of all, the area where I'm living, there's a lot of people who also value community. So there's a real sense of people really creating community. But one of the things has been this mother's group that a friend invited me into. And there's like nine or ten of us and we meet three times a month. And just to go back to what you Were saying in the beginning about becoming a parent and that really being a big time of recognizing the need for community, I really feel that as well. I'm on the opposite side of the spectrum of you. I became a mom at 42 instead of 26. But, yeah, parenting in isolation is so hard. So to be able to connect with other mothers and to normalize our experiences together, and then it's starting to grow outside of just these circles. One of the members recently had a car accident, and so now we have a little meal train bringing her and her family food and to just feel the way that sharing the hard stuff, like you're saying, sharing the real what's really going on, not just the, like, oh, yeah, everything's great, but really sharing that, being vulnerable and. And connecting in that space and also celebrating the good parts with each other. And then we haven't forced it to evolve, but it just naturally starts to evolve as you get closer and have more care for people and want to support them more outside of just those little spaces.

B (29:04)

Yeah, yeah. Create a circle. I'm part of now. Two women's circles that have been going on for years that are so valuable. I'm so, so, so grateful that I'm going deep over time with people. And it took years and years to create it. It was so slow going. So if you're listening and you're out there and you're like, I need that. Don't give up. Find your people. Create it. You know, I'm available for coaching in this realm. I love helping people create this because I think it's actually at the source of a lot of our problems is this lack in our lives, a place where we can be seen and held in the wholeness of our lives. I mean, family can be that for some people. I have a loving family, and I actually need more. My family doesn't fill all of my needs. I need way more than they can provide. So I find it where I can get it.

A (30:11)

Do you think there's a difference between friendships and community? I'm just curious.

B (30:17)

Well, yeah. I mean, friendship, partnership, family are smaller, and community is the larger that holds them. So, for instance, I have a friendship with all the individuals in my women's circle. When two of us had a rub that was pretty big, had we just had a friendship, I might just have decided, you know what, this isn't working so well. Move away. The women's circle that we were both committed to showing up for every week was like, neither of us want to leave that. So we have got to work it out. The community of the women's circle held us through going from a place of deep rupture to repair, which hopefully you have friendships that do that because so much growth is possible and the depth, you know, partnerships have that families have, that friendships can have that too. I've gone to therapy with a couple of my friends. I've had supportive, you know, people come in and support us. We're going through something that we can't handle on our own. Can you help us? Yeah. And that like the Celtic term, anam kara, soul friend. So this idea that I'm here for you for the whole of our lives, I'm here for the thick and the thin. I'm here for your greatest well being and I'm not going anywhere. And if there's something comes up between us, I'm here for it. I think it's a shame that so many people only maybe have that with one other person. What? Risky business.

A (32:00)

Yeah. Yeah.

B (32:03)

My husband and I have been going through a hard time and there was a moment where it looked like we might separate. And in that moment, I felt the strength of my community. I knew I have so much support, I have so much love. All of my needs will be met. If this one ultra important tie needs to shift, then I'm not destitute, I'm not lacking for all my needs because communities here. And so it's like a real insurance policy. And then, you know, I'm thinking my oldest son is 20, turning into a man, an adult. And he has dozens of wonderful adults who have known him through his whole life that he can go to for mentorship as he turns into the person he wants to be. He's reached out to several of our friends to talk about their careers or their life path. It's not just his two parents he can choose from. That is healthy community.

A (33:06)

I love that so much. Yeah. Yeah. And I guess my other little question in there is just do you think that our community has to be people that we're in person with or do you think we can find that with people online in different ways?

B (33:25)

Yes. Everywhere, all the time, Please. So more than anything, it's a mindset. So you probably gather in many ways. I gather in lots of ways. I've got a co housing community I'm part of. We gather sometimes. My kids go to school, there's gatherings there. I have birthday parties. You know, there's all kinds of gatherings that happen. In any gathering you have that is your community for that moment, how do you be with them? And how do you intensify, enhance what you like and need from this group? So it's like everywhere, all the time. Yes. And for some people, if. If what they have access to is online. Absolutely. I know so many people that have gotten a lot of support in online communities. Great. I think in person is really important because sometimes we need someone to drive us some food or come over, do the dishes while our arm's broken or.

A (34:24)

Or hug us.

B (34:25)

Hug us. Yes. Embodiment aspect, for sure. Yeah.

A (34:31)

Yeah. Oh, awesome. I love this conversation so much. Is there anything else that feels percolating, that feels like it needs to be said before we start to wind it down?

B (34:44)

You know, I think as the waking up to this loss might be occurring, like, oh, my gosh. Yeah, I really, really need this and I don't have it, and I don't know where to go for it or how to create it. Making space for the grief of that we as humans have been living in a really unsustainable, unhealthy way. Like getting honest about that and feeling the massive grief about that, unde personalizing it. That is not your fault. You were born into a broken system that we are hobbling together to heal. And it's. It's so sad, the loss. So to make space for that grief and then hold strong the vision, it may take years. It took me years. Years. And now it's one thing I'm like, man, I love my community. I don't even know who my. It's overlapping, it's amorphous, it's. But you're in it.

A (35:52)

Yeah, definitely.

B (35:53)

Yeah. People I haven't seen for years, they're in it. When we come back together, we're in. And you know, I'm welcoming of. Of it continuing because I've got the momentum now, and there were years where it wasn't there and I knew I needed it. And so to just like patience and compassion in the process.

A (36:16)

Yeah. And it's something that people are really ready to actively create. You mentioned this before, but you do coach people, and this seems like an area where you'd be willing to do some coaching with folks.

B (36:29)

Nothing brings me more pleasure than helping people create better relationships in their lives. This is like my passion. I love connecting people. I love helping people feel more connected. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A (36:44)

You're really. You're really good at that. From being in community Community with you at Earth Dance in Western Massachusetts, I definitely see the ways that you're holding a bigger space than just your world of the ways you bring people in and notice what's happening and help people and love people up and make people feel good. You embody all of that so you'd be a great person for people to work with.

B (37:09)

Thank you. And I will say that that came from a feeling of great lack. Yeah, I was not okay being a little individual in this life. It just didn't work for me. Yeah, I've never lived alone. Make up what you will about that. Doesn't work for me. I. My life does not function as an individual and I made myself wrong about it for a while. What's wrong with me? I don't know how to take care of myself. Actually, what's wrong with me is I'm part of an ecosystem that is absent. So my really good job creating community is for my survival and well being and thank goodness it has a lot of benefit out there. I do see that. But really it's. I've created the, the environment that I need to thrive in.

A (37:56)

Well, thank you for doing that. And if people want to connect with you more, I will have your information in the show notes. But if people want to connect more, will you just say your website or if that's the best place to connect.

B (38:09)

Stepping into balance.com. yeah, if you search Chandra Cantor, I don't think there's another one. So you probably find me.

A (38:18)

And you also do online yoga classes. What else do you do?

B (38:22)

I do online yoga classes. I do retreats. And retreats are actually one of my favorite places for creating a sense of community. That's a place where I really get to kind of enjoy. Infuse this little group of people that comes together for a weekend or a week with the culture that I love and they feel it. I mean, we're doing yoga, but that's a small part of what happens when we go on retreat. It's like we're culture building.

A (38:51)

I love that. And to close it out, would you be willing to give listeners a small action step?

B (39:00)

Yeah, I love that. Think about somebody in your life that matters to you and send them a little note that lets them know. Could be past, present, close, random. Just give them a little love note saying how, how they matter to you.

A (39:21)

I love that and I love you and I love this conversation. It's so, so good. You can come back on anytime you want and we can talk about stuff. It's so fun.

B (39:32)

Awesome. Yeah.

A (39:33)

Well, thank you so much, Chandra. I really appreciate you and this conversation.

B (39:38)

Me too. Thanks for having me.

A (39:46)

Hey, it's me again. Thanks so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed the conversation as much as we did and I have all of Chandra's information in the show notes if you want to connect with her and I'll be back next week with an episode about getting unstuck in Kapha season. Okay, have a wonderful week. Hey there. Thanks again for listening. I want to let you know about a couple of resources that I'm offering if you're interested in going a little deeper. I have a deep rest meditation as well as a Nourished for Resilience workbook. There'll be links in the show notes if you're interested in checking them out and I'm also currently offering one on one coaching around nervous system health, self care resilience. I like to weave in Ayurveda herbs, somatics if it makes sense, as well as Ayurvedic consultations. So if you're interested in seeing if we're a good fit, I have a schedule for booking an exploratory call in the show notes. Hope to connect with you soon. Have a great week.