Loading summary
Transcript104 lines
- [00:01]
A
Welcome to the observable unknown, where science meets the unexplained. I'm Dr. Juan Carlos Rey of crowscupper.com and after two decades of working at.
- [00:09]
B
The intersection of comparative religious studies, grief.
- [00:12]
A
Counseling, anthropology, quantum mechanics, and consciousness studies, I've discovered that our most profound human experiences often exist in the space between what we can prove and what we can perceive. In this podcast, we'll explore the measurable influences of immeasurable forces, those hidden factors that shape our reality but often escape our traditional scientific frameworks. From the latest research in consciousness studies to the ancient wisdom that's now finding validation in neuroscience and quantum physics, we're here to bridge the gap between academic rigor and spiritual insight. Whether you're a skeptic, a seeker, or simply curious about the deeper mechanics of human experience, you're in the right place. Together, we'll examine the evidence, challenge our assumptions, and explore what happens when we dare to look beyond the obvious. Today, I'm joined by someone whose work has moved fluidly between stage, screen, and self examination, actor and producer Jordan Feldman. Jordan's career has unfolded at the intersection of visibility and vulnerability. He has brought humor and humanity to very complex stories, while also speaking candidly about his journey through anxiety and rediscovery.
- [01:27]
C
In.
- [01:27]
A
In this conversation, we look beneath the spotlight, into the quieter backstage of the mind, where creativity, discipline, and mental health intersect. What happens when a performer learns to listen to his own nervous system as carefully as he listens to a script? This is a dialogue about art as medicine and the human spirit as both stage and sanctuary. So, without any further ado, let's join the conversation.
- [01:56]
B
Jordan, this is precisely the kind of exchange I most treasure. One with you. I frequently feel sitting with you is like someone opening a window in an otherwise stuffy room before I dive in. How are you doing today?
- [02:09]
C
I'm good. That's a nice thing to say. Wow. A gateway to another world.
- [02:17]
B
I appreciate that you've been part of deeply collaborative productions. How has working within ensembles shaped your understanding of ego empathy and the need for emotional boundaries when everyone is sharing the same psychic space?
- [02:33]
C
You know, it's interesting. I. I think part of why I like performance and acting and so much is the. Is the group. It's the ensemble. It's working with people. It's. It's having other people's ideas influence the choices you make and the exchange of, like, really honest energy right in front of each other as it's happening and how that exchange affects what you. The choices you make about the scene. The character, the dialogue. Anyway, so I. I do stand up as well, and it's just so much more fun to work with other people for me. But it's interesting. I was working on. Speaking of. Speaking of how sharing the same psychic space in a group affects. Affects other people. I was doing an overnight shoot once for a show, and for me, I was like. I thought it was amazing. It was like. It was like overnight camp, you know, it couldn't have been more fun. It's like everyone's staying up all night, you know, and it was just interesting that the people that were complaining the most and having the worst reaction to having to stay up all night and doing this were the people at the top of the call sheet. And I just remember being like, if you're numb, if you're at the top of the call sheet, like, if you're the star of the show, it is your responsibility to be the leader. And everything that you do and everything that you say helps keep the group afloat. And if you're being negative and complaining, it's just, it. It affects the entire set on camera, off camera, you know. And so I just remember that, to me, was a really good lesson of that, you know, I mean, first of all, you always need to be as positive as you can in a group experience because others are depending on you. But especially when you're the highest up on the food chain for that production, it's your responsibility to make sure that everyone's happy, doing well, feeling good, energized, encouraged. So, yeah, that was a. That was a good lesson for me, to see that sort of break down and then realize how it affected everyone else.
- [05:31]
B
That being said, have you ever found that empathy for a co actor blurred into emotional exhaustion for you personally?
- [05:39]
C
That's a good question. I think there is that potential because especially if you're working with someone continually, continually, that you really look up to and really respect, at least at first, you know, I think it can be sort of exhausting because you. You put so much energy around it. But. But I think, you know, at the end of the day when you. When you work with someone and get to know them, they're just any other person. And I think that sort of calms down, but I think it's definitely like at the beginning, you know, or when you walk on set the first day, it's exhausting because just all the emotions of being so overwhelming, like, oh, my God, I can't believe I'm here. There's that famous person and that famous person. Oh, my God, I love that person. And, you know, all these people that you really respect, it can be very overwhelming emotionally, but then it just turns into play. Which is the best part?
- [06:48]
B
Well, when the performance ends and the collective disbands, what fragments of belonging or loneliness stay with you?
- [06:54]
C
Personally, I mean, it's literally always the worst when you walk offset. You know, like, when you, like, leave, you're driving away, you drive off the lot and, you know, because this is what you want to do with your life. And then you do it, and it feels so good. And you get all sorts of positive reinforcement from, you know, people in front of the camera, behind the camera, you know, and it. It just feels so good. And then when you're done, you're like, oh, God, now I have to wait to get cast again. It's. It's. It's. It's tough. It's such a tough grind because there's so many ups and downs. But, you know, it kind of makes you. Your skin a bit thicker.
- [07:39]
B
Well, and it probably takes a toll as well. Have you recognized or felt that the very work you do takes a specific toll on you?
- [07:50]
C
I mean, I think that the process of performing and being an actor and living that life is exhausting because you're constantly feeling like you aren't doing enough, that you need to be creating in one way or another at all times. And it's like, okay, well, if I'm not on a show or acting, then I need to be writing a book or doing standup or, you know, making videos. It's just like, it's never. It's never enough. It's not like you're a doctor and you go to. Not that. I mean, doctors are always working because they always have to read journals, and they're always, you know, they're always having to study and perfect their craft and like, anyone in a successful position, but it just doesn't stop. So it's. There's always more you feel you can be doing. And then, I mean, I've even had conversations with really successful actors, like, name actors. And I remember I was. I was working at one of my day jobs a million years ago, and this actress would always come in, and I'm. I was working with her, like, helping her, and she's like, what is wrong with you? I was like, I just. Does it ever get any better? Because I just had a really bad audition. I was like, does it ever get any better? Does it ever get easier? She's like, no, because you get to the top of one level and you're at the top of that level and then you become a little more successful, but then you're in the bottom of the next level, and then you get to the top of that level and then you get to the bottom of the next level. But then when you're at the top of the top level, then you have to worry about staying there. She's like, no, it never gets any better. It's crazy. It's just like. So you really have to really enjoy the process in order to make it worth it.
- [09:56]
B
Enjoy the strain as much as you enjoy the success.
- [09:59]
C
Yeah, well, I mean, you have to be comfortable with the strain.
- [10:03]
B
Yeah.
- [10:04]
C
And you have to find ways to make the strain less strenuous, which is always a challenge.
- [10:12]
B
Imagine when you read a script now, what tells you this role is safe for me or this one will cost me something? Do you ever choose a part precisely because it unsettles your emotional equilibrium?
- [10:27]
C
You know, I wish I had the luxury of choosing roles, but if someone's like, we're going to cast you in this, then I do it. I mean, obviously I would. I always want to play something that's more challenging. And I think nowadays more than ever, especially for smaller roles, they're casting someone who's quite close to that role. They're not choosing someone that is necessary. They want the veil to be worn very thin because everything is so naturalistic now, you know, and especially with, you know, all the single camera shows, you know, it's not like there's a ton of multi camera sitcoms where, you know, you know, you can get away with being bigger or doing something different or making a different choice. If they want someone that looks like the part, they're going to get the person that looks like the part. But yeah, I mean, I would, I would love to do something that would take me out of my comfort zone, but it's also super scary. I remember I. There used to be these casting director workshops and I think they actually outlawed them now. Not outlawed them, but they're, they, they dismantled them because basically you would pay money to meet with the casting director. The casting director would come, there'd be like 30 people in the room, they would give you, you know, sides from a script, which is basically if you paid like a scene and you'd perform the scene in front of the casting director, they'd give you some notes and then, you know, everyone would get to perform in front of the casting director. And, and it was a good way to just like, they see you. I mean, I got cast A bunch off those things. Like, they're like, oh, you know, I like Jordan, let's get him for that whatever role. And a lot of times you wouldn't have to audition because, like, they knew, you know, or you. Whatever. Anyway, and I remember one day I got a scene where I was playing. It was for a straight guy, I think, like in a. I don't know, like auto body shop or something. I mean, obviously the casting director didn't know me. And I was like, are you kidding me? Like, oh, how am I going to do this? Like, this is going to sound. This is going to be ridiculous. And it didn't help that earlier that day I had. I was at my job and someone come in. Someone came in the store, some guy, and he was like, oh, you remember that role you auditioned for? I got it. And I was like, oh, great. Like, why would you tell me that? But super terrific. So I was really upset about that. And so I ended up smoking weed after that. And I showed up. I showed up to the workshop and I was super stoned. And then I got. Can I say that? Is that.
- [13:30]
B
Of course you can.
- [13:32]
C
Yeah. And. And then I got this scene and I was like, are you kidding me? She wants me to play a straight guy and I'm baked af, like, what? And I just remember, first of all, I felt bad for my scene partner because I felt bad that she got paired with, you know, something that just wasn't going to work, you know, because she wants to do her best. So I just remember there was nothing I could do to make myself seem super butch for this role, for this, you know, little reading. And I remember just reading it as I was so scared that I just was as honest and vulnerable as possible. Like, I basically stripped everything away from any type of choice of, know, reading or performative behavior or anything. And I was just remember reading it and I was as vulnerable and honest as possible. And I remember after I read my first line, people started laughing. I was like, and it wasn't a funny scene. And I was mortified. I was so embarrassed. I was like, oh, my God, I'm playing the straight guy and it's so unbelievable. And everyone's laughing. And then I remember I sat down and a friend of mine said, that was the best scene I've ever seen you do. And it was so interesting that it literally was basically just me being as vulnerable as possible and honest as possible with the reading. And I was so interested that that engendered her comment of that was the best performance I've seen you do. So that's a very long answer of talking about things that take you out of your comfort zone. And it wasn't a role, it was just basically, essentially a little audition at a workshop.
- [15:45]
B
Did that instance shape how you approached other casting opportunities?
- [15:52]
C
Yeah, I mean, it made me realize that you just always have to be as honest and vulnerable as possible when you're reading. The problem is that it's so hard because you're so nervous when you go in for an audition. You go into the waiting room. It's all the people that you always see and you're like, oh, that guy's here. That guy said that guy's here. He gets everything. Oh, they're doing, oh, that they're going to, oh well, he's going to get it. And he's. So you literally have to walk in and just put blinders on. And I, and I just had this mantra if I feel myself getting nervous. And it's just that I say to myself, my only business is the choices I make for this role, for this scene. That's my only business. Everything else is none of my business. Who's here, how long I'm waiting. It's just none of my business. The only business I have are the choices that I am making about this scene. And you just have to put your blinders on, put your head down and just keep going. And then when you get in the room, it's so nerve wracking because you know, the creators there, the, you know, the writers there, the producers there, the casting directors there, the casting associate is there, you're on camera. I mean, granted this is like before COVID when you know, everything was in the room and now it's self tape, but it's just, it's so much. So the problem is it's so hard not to rely on your sort of crutches that you, you know, that you, you're used to leaning on, you know, performative wise. And so it's just, it's really hard to just. You have to be super present in order to strip all that away and just be as vulnerable and honest as possible.
- [17:55]
B
Could you explain a little more about your performative crutches? What kinds of tools are in that toolbox?
- [18:02]
C
Things that you know, work like, like the gimmicks, the, the, the affectations, the jokes, the sort of the things you tend to do that, that you know, always get a good reaction but they aren't always the best choice. Especially you know, the one of the notes that casting directors always give. They, you Know they say just throw it away. Just throw the line away. Don't do anything. And it's so hard not to do anything because you feel like if you don't do anything and you just say the line, then you're not doing anything and it's not enough. And you always feel like you have to do more, make more of it, make it bigger, make it funnier, make it, you know, and it's just it. That's not the answer. The answer really is just they want to see what's going to come out of your mouth as you.
- [19:09]
B
So what first signals that a role will be emotionally demanding?
- [19:17]
C
That's a good question. I don't, I don't honestly know that I've had a role that was extremely emotionally demanding. I don't know if I've had that luxury. I don't know if I'm there.
- [19:35]
B
Well, that has multiple dimensions. Even if it's the people you'll be working with or under, that could be the set, the location, the hours.
- [19:43]
C
Mm.
- [19:43]
B
More to the role than just the role itself. The aspects of the work that you feel will be potentially toxic or dangerous. Maybe spiking anxiety or causing you to fixate on something you don't want to fixate on.
- [19:57]
C
I mean if you, it. Anxiety is always spiked when you're walking on into a situation that's overwhelming. I remember I went to, I was on Mad Men and I was. And I went to the table read and I walked in and I was just like terrified because the table read is literally the entire cast, all the producers, all the actors in that scene, in that episode. But like all of like, it's the lighting, it's the costumes, it's everyone, it's everyone that works on the show. It's casting, it's, it's literally everyone. And so you're walking into this room full of a, you know, people who are part of a well oiled machine, who all know each other, who are all working together at the highest level. Right. And I remember I walked in and I was at, they had like a little craft service table and I went over to like, I don't know, get like a water and I, and I saw this super successful actress who wasn't a regular on the show but she's been on like, she's like, had her own show. Like, like really like successful, like top, top billing, name actress. But she was doing a guest arc on Mad Men and it was just me and her and I was like, hey, how are you? Good, how are you? And she's like, oh, my God, I am so nervous. I don't know what to do. And I remember being like, you're nervous? Like, what? Like what? It just blew my mind. I was like. But it actually felt really comforting to know that, like, this major star who is super successful, you know, who was walking onto this table read, and she was just as nervous as I was.
- [21:59]
B
Yeah, that is really heartwarming.
- [22:01]
C
Yeah, it was really nice. Fantastic.
- [22:04]
B
So have you ever turned down a project to protect your own mental stability, your own sense of self?
- [22:14]
C
A couple? Yeah, I have. If I felt that it was exploitative, if it was not aligned with my values, I, I. Yeah, I turned it down. There was a. There was a show once that I had gone on multiple auditions for, and it was. It was actually. It was a reality show, like, back in the day. And through the process, we still didn't know, like, exactly what the show was, but you just. We had to go through, like, all of these. Jump through all these hoops, you know, interviews and meeting with other possible cast members. And finally when I found out what it was, I. I didn't like it. I was like, this is not what I want to be doing. I'm not interested. And I mean, the producer called me and he was like, what are you doing? And I was like, I'm. I don't feel comfortable. I don't feel comfortable with the message of the show. I feel like it's pretty exploitative, and it doesn't feel right to me. And he's like, you know, he said, jordan, this is Hollywood calling, and you're not answering. And I'm like, that's the grossest thing I've ever heard. I think we're good here. I'm like, that's. That people don't say that. Stop, stop. Stop having sound come out of your mouth in my direction, please. Yeah, there have been a couple things where I just. I didn't feel comfortable, and I just. I. I had to pass.
- [23:59]
B
So can I ask what for you felt like the red line. What, in this exploitative role, felt like you were going to be betraying yourself if you had taken it, if you had accepted it.
- [24:16]
C
Just the message that it sent to the world, it was just very stereotypical and negative and just sort of exploiting stereotypes. That's. That's really what that particular one was about. I just didn't feel comfortable with the. The. The idea that this was just going to exploit stereotypes and not bring anything to the table. You know, it was. Let's put a. Let's shine a light on. On something that doesn't help the cause.
- [25:01]
B
Then can you recall the time when taking a difficult role paradoxically became part of your personal healing?
- [25:08]
C
It's a good question. I'm trying to think. Sorry for the long pause.
- [25:15]
B
No worries.
- [25:16]
C
But I feel like you can edit it out.
- [25:18]
B
I can.
- [25:24]
C
You know, because I. I don't have the luxury of really picking and choosing roles so much. It's not like I've been presented with some. With a role that I thought was going to be good for me. Essentially, it was like, oh, there's a role, I'm being offered it and I'm going to get paid. Great, let's do that. It's sort of not a. It's not a great answer.
- [25:57]
B
No, it's okay. So then, how much of yourself do you feel you have to compromise to survive? Obviously. How much of yourself are you sacrificing with every role that you take in order to pay the bills, to keep your mortgage, to make sure that you're staying on top?
- [26:19]
C
Wait, ask the question again.
- [26:21]
B
So how much of yourself do you feel like you're sacrificing just to survive in the system that presents you with roles, rules that you might not want, but you have to take because you have bills to pay?
- [26:32]
C
Well, the good news is that most of the roles I get, I think almost all the roles except for the ones I've turned down have been roles that I want. So I don't think I've ever been. I think if I've been faced with a role that I don't really want to do, those are the times that I haven't done it. Granted, you know, 100 million years ago, I was cast in a commercial where I had. It was for a hockey team, and I had to get inside of a mascot uniform. And one by one, each player of the hockey team would skate up to me and check me and I would go flying onto the floor. That wasn't pleasant.
- [27:32]
B
No, of course not.
- [27:35]
C
Well, probably I remember. And I remember being like, first of all, I didn't know I was going to have to, like, be in this mascot uniform, and I'm claustrophobic. And it was rough. And so they had to, like, you know, I had to stick up for myself and say, we're going to have to take this off a lot because, you know, take that giant head off. It was. That was not fun.
- [28:00]
B
I can imagine. Has producing taught you anything about mental health that acting hasn't? When you step behind the camera, do you find yourself Protecting others in the ways you maybe once wished to be protected.
- [28:16]
C
I think when you're on the other side of the camera, people are relying on you to make sure they're safe. Their space. When you're on the other side of the camera, people are relying on you to make sure their space is safe. The boundaries are set up that everything is best taken care of to suit the optimal needs of the production as a whole. Which obviously doesn't always happen because when you're on the other side, you know, most. Most of. Most of the time you're putting out fires. But, you know, it's really your responsibility to make sure everything is set up and the machine is well oiled enough where every part can do their job at its best. And, you know, things happen. You know, I. I worked on this film where the Post House lost all the. The. The exterior footage of. Of a place in Iowa, like, all the footage. So I had to go back and, you know, we had to reshoot all of these scenes, this exterior scenes. And it was, you know, it actually ended up, I think, being better than what was there in the first place. But, you know, you. It's just a lot of putting out fires. So you're, you know, you have to take care of the production as a whole and you have to make sure everyone feels safe.
- [29:58]
B
What drew you behind the camera originally?
- [30:05]
C
A job, really.
- [30:07]
B
Opportunity.
- [30:08]
C
Yeah, it was just an opportunity and when I wasn't acting and so, you know, you kind of gotta take any opportunity that feels appealing. Right. And so. So, yeah, it was interesting. But also it's. It. It. You know, when you work on all sides, it gives you better insight for each side.
- [30:32]
B
So has producing changed your empathy towards directors or actors in moments of creative tension?
- [30:38]
C
Yeah, I mean, everyone is trying to do their best and manage the expectations of the people counting on them and. Or the people at the top. And so I have a lot of. I have a lot of empathy for. For ads, because ads really are trying to manage everything. And they have so much stress on them and so much on their plate because they're managing the director, but they're also managing everyone else. But really kind of everyone on the set, you know, everyone on the set is there for a reason. And each person deserves to be treated exactly the same. And as the most important person there, because everyone is equally important. And if one of those people aren't there, the rest of the production suffers. And so from every PA to every operator, sound, lighting, literally the janitor, the person at the guard gate in the park, Every single person needs, you know, should be treated exactly the same with the utmost respect and care. And so I think that. I think in order for a production to be successful, I mean, there are plenty of productions that are successful where people are not doing that, but that's sort of my belief.
- [32:24]
B
Right, that's your personal ethos.
- [32:27]
C
Yeah.
- [32:28]
B
Do you ever sense that producing gives you the illusion of control? In a world where art often requires surrender.
- [32:38]
C
There is no control. I don't think there's any control. I think. I think we're constantly. If you're on the other side of the camera and you're. And you're trying to make the machine run properly, you're constantly fixing the things that are glitching or need oil or, you know, it's almost like a tin man, you know, you got to, like, oil them when they rust up. And different. Different aspects cause the. The machine to stall out. And so you. There. There is no control. I think you have to expect that things are going to, you know, pieces are going to fly off. Yeah, yeah.
- [33:31]
B
Well, we've spoken about periods of burnout and recovery. I want to know how you protect your mental pacing. Think of this as your circadian rhythm of creativity in an industry that rewards acceleration over integration.
- [33:50]
C
I do know. I mean, I'm still figuring it out. I do know that if you don't use it, you lose it. And I've gone since COVID through a long period of not using it, not being creative, not working the muscle. So I think anything you can do, even if it's small, keeps the coals burning. You want to constantly keep the coals burning in one way or another. So I think anything you can do as a creative person to stay creative is. Is sort of the key to keeping that going.
- [34:38]
B
You mentioned Covid. Do you feel like talking about what that did to you as a person, to you as an actor, to you as a producer, how it's changed your life and how you've adapted to. To life after Covid.
- [34:55]
C
Covid. Covid changed, obviously, the entire world for me. I moved away from Los Angeles and I. I sort of unplugged myself from the business. And I think for the first couple years, it was heaven because the, you know, basically the business was shut down for a while, so you didn't have that. Things are in production, people are working. I should be auditioning. I should be doing this, I should be doing that. It was sort of like a. You know, after 21 years of the grind, it was like a really welcome snow day. And, and then it turned into almost five years now. And I think probably somewhere along the two and a half year mark, I started getting really antsy, like I need to be creative, I need to get back into it. I need to, you know, my, my, my body and my soul wants to be doing that. But after not being in it for so long, coupled with the state of the business, you know, I mean, Hollywood is imploding. I know so many people like Emmy award winning casting directors, producers who cannot get a job. I have a friend who, she has two Emmys, she hasn't worked in four years. I mean, people are losing their homes. People are, I mean, it's insane. So it's a really difficult time to sort of get back in. But also, you know, especially with social media, you know, everything is how many followers do you have? You know, do you have, you know, are you big on this, are you big on that? You know, TikTok or Instagram or. It's, it's, I feel like you really have to be a self starter and you can't wait and rely on an audition or role. And for someone who's not good at that, it's very difficult. So, you know, I mean, if it hadn't been for Covid, I would still be in Los Angeles, I'd still be auditioning, you know, I'd still be doing stand up, you know, but it changed everything. So I personally have a very hard time self starting and self motivating. It's really difficult for me. So yeah, it's a challenge. It's definitely a challenge.
- [38:03]
B
With how much the industry's changed since COVID where do you see the future of it going? Where do you see the future, not only of Hollywood, generally speaking, but the lives of individual actors more specifically. For instance, use yourself. Where do you think your future with this goes?
- [38:22]
C
I, I don't know. It's really hard. I mean, I, people are jumping ship left and right. It's just, it's, I, I, I don't know, it's, it's not, it, it's sort of a grim outlook. But also I'm in a particularly negative phase in regards to that, so I'm, it's hard to be positive about it right now.
- [38:52]
B
Yeah, of course, some roles do leave a residue. Have you ever carried a character's anxiety or trauma beyond the set? And what does your process of release look like now compared to say, earlier in your career?
- [39:14]
C
I think when you're working on a role for a while, you, you try to stay in it as Much as possible in your mind, you know, you think, how would this character react to this? How would this character look at that? Just so you. When you're, when you're not doing it just to keep it fresh. But I think that, you know, once you take off the costume and you leave set, you gotta leave it there. But I really haven't had. I don't think I've had the luxury of having such big roles that I need to be in it all the time.
- [40:11]
B
In a profession that commodifies emotion, what remains sacred to you about the act of creation? Is there still a ritual, personal or private, that reminds you why you began?
- [40:23]
C
I think, I think rereading old writing notes, stand up sets, that sort of always kind of takes me back to my creative north, I guess. But it's also hard to go back and be faced with the sparks of creation that you just sort of never fleshed out. Because then the self flagellation begins about, why didn't I do it? Is it still relevant? But you, you know, you have, you really have to work hard to put that aside. So in service of the creative ideas instead of, you know, not shining the light on your perceived failings, but letting that go so you can have the mental space to flesh out your ideas. But I always think sort of going back and looking at notes and journals and, you know, even old acting class notes that sort of take you back in your mind to where you felt sort of the most pure about the craft and your future, that kind of brings you back to. That sort of ignites that spark a little bit like kind of like a burner on a stove. You know, there has to be that little spark and then, you know, and then you can light the fire.
- [42:13]
B
Like a pilot light. Yeah.
- [42:14]
C
Yeah.
- [42:15]
B
How do you gauge when vulnerability serves the story and when it becomes self sacrifice? That is to say, where do you draw the line as both an artist and as a human?
- [42:28]
C
I mean, I think you just have to be as vulnerable as possible at all times. And listen, I guess I. I think, I think, you know, when you're, when you're acting that being vulnerable and being naked is, you know, letting people see your guts is really sort of the only way to do it. So I think there is a lot of self sacrifice when it comes to that because you're like unzipping your skin and holding open your body and letting everyone see it. And that's scary, but it's also super challenging.
- [43:26]
B
Does it haunt you? Does it keep you up at night?
- [43:28]
C
No, I don't think so. What keeps me up at night are all the things, all the things I haven't done yet that I want to do.
- [43:38]
B
Well then, looking ahead, what kind of story do you most long to tell now? One that could hold both the beauty and the difficulty of becoming whole.
- [43:51]
C
I, I would love to tell some sort of story of self, I guess. Self. Some sort of. I, I've been working on a autobiography for 20 years and I'm changing. It's changing. I put it down for a long time, I pick it up. I put it down for a long time, I pick it up. I, I, I would, I would just love, I think, a story that shares my failures so others can learn, you know. Well, I just, it's sort of what I have to offer. All of my mistakes, you know, let my mistakes be your goal posts or knowledge or, you know, be of service so you don't make the same mistakes. And I have to figure out what that looks like because I seem to be making the same mistakes over.
- [45:04]
B
Well, but you've also pointed out standards that have changed and hurdles that are new.
- [45:10]
C
Yeah.
- [45:11]
B
Not only for the industry but for the world.
- [45:13]
C
Yeah.
- [45:14]
B
Feel like they're more what have inhibited the kinds of opportunities that are presented to you. Like you said, there are Emmy award winning actors and actresses who can't find work. This has more to do with, I think, the shape of American civilization, society, the world at large than anything else. But the idea of you wanting to present your failures as a method for others to understand what to avoid, what not to do. Yeah. What about the saving grace? What about the things that you feel you've done that have really helped you marry yourself to your profession?
- [46:02]
C
That's a difficult question. I don't know.
- [46:05]
B
Is there a part of acting that you feel has been healing for you or producing?
- [46:12]
C
Every time I get the opportunity to act, it's healing because it's help. It's going through the motions and helping me actualize my potential. Every time I get the opportunity. It's a joy because it's enacting the parts of me that I most enjoy sharing and getting to be creative, even with the smallest of roles. Getting to be creative about how you say that one line and then the reaction that you get from the entire set when you get your one line and everyone just bursts into laughter when they call cut. It's so much fun.
- [47:11]
B
Yeah.
- [47:12]
C
And then getting the opportunity to do it again differently, even that one line and sharing all of the different versions that you have come up with or you can think of or you are made aware of in the moment. That's. That's so much fun. It's the best.
- [47:33]
B
That's what keeps you coming back and answering the phone when Hollywood calls.
- [47:38]
C
Yeah, exactly. Hollywood is calling.
- [47:42]
B
This has been time deeply well spent and I look forward to seeing your autobiography come out. Do you have any publication dates in mind? It's been 20 years in the making.
- [47:54]
C
I'll keep you posted. Hopefully not another 20 years.
- [47:57]
B
Hopefully not another 20 years.
- [47:59]
C
Yeah.
- [47:59]
B
It is always delightful to hear your voice. Jordan. Thank you so much for sitting with me today. I appreciate it and I look forward to chatting with you again soon.
- [48:07]
C
Thank you so much. J.C. thank you. Bye bye.
- [48:12]
A
My thanks to Jordan Feldman for his honesty, his artistry, his vulnerability and his willingness. Willingness to speak from the in between that place where craft meets healing. If today's conversation moved you or resonated with you, I would love to hear from you. Please take a moment to rate and.
- [48:30]
B
Review the observable unknown.
- [48:32]
A
Wherever you're listening. Your reflections help others find the show and keep these dialogues alive. If you'd like to reach me directly.
- [48:40]
B
You can connect with me via LinkedIn.
- [48:42]
A
Or on Apple where I am Dr. Juan Carlos Rey. You may also email me directly theobservableunknownmail.com until next time, stay curious, stay kind, stay vulnerable and keep listening for what the world is trying to remember through you.