Story: Amanda (OCD themes: Religion, harm and contamination) (#513)

Summary

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The OCD Stories – Episode #513: Story: Amanda (OCD themes: Religion, Harm, and Contamination)

Date: November 23, 2025
Host: Stuart Ralph
Guest: Amanda

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Stuart Ralph interviews Amanda as she shares her personal journey with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), touching on themes of religion, harm, and contamination. Amanda openly discusses the progression of her symptoms from childhood through early adulthood, interactions with depression, the impact of the COVID-19 pandemic, the challenges of therapy, and the turning point provided by medication. She offers candid insights into family support, recovery roadblocks, and practical words of hope for others.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

Amanda’s Early Experiences with OCD & Depression

• Amanda’s silent battle: Opens with a formative quote:

  "Everyone is fighting a silent battle you know nothing about. And this is my silent battle."
  (Amanda, 01:57)

• OCD began in childhood:
  • Early signs included religious obsessions at Christian summer camp, where Amanda would repeatedly pray to "get it right" and guarantee heaven (03:00).
  • Hand-washing rituals that fixated on eliminating every germ imaginable, stemming from a misinterpretation of antibacterial promises on soap bottles (06:05).
  • Early perfectionism and stress over academic performance:

    "I was already so stressed and worried about performing perfectly in school."
    (Amanda, 04:32)

• Depression as a genetic background and ongoing challenge, surfacing with physical symptoms (IBS) and food control behaviors bordering on an eating disorder (09:30).

Navigating Adolescence: Compulsions and Masking

• Masked her struggles, especially depression, until a classmate’s death legitimized her feelings of sadness among peers (11:30).
• Increasing responsibilities (school, dance, work) led to visible withdrawal and intensified symptoms (14:00).
• COVID-19’s forced break provided some relief from depression but rapidly intensified contamination OCD:

  "Whenever my depression gets better, I feel like my OCD is like, okay, hey, I'm back."
  (Amanda, 16:54)

Harm OCD and Avoidance Compulsions

• First encounters with harm OCD: vivid, distressing dreams about violence or losing control when driving (18:26).
• Avoidance became the primary compulsion—ceasing to drive and evading situations perceived as potentially dangerous (31:00).

Therapy—Starting, Stopping, and Starting Again

• Initial therapy in high school was reluctantly accepted and lacked honest disclosure (22:00).
  • “I really think mental health help is best received when you actually want it.” (Amanda, 22:58)
• Renewed effort in college, especially after realizing compulsions were affecting others (e.g., boyfriend’s social behaviors) (25:23).
• Confronted reality through the Y-BOCS assessment for OCD:

  “I broke down crying because I was like, oh, my God, I'm not insane. Like, there is a word for these things that are going on in my head.”
  (Amanda, 27:30)

Trauma, Grief, and Compulsions

• A pivotal moment: Amanda experienced loss—her childhood dog and grandfather in a single day. In her grief, previously rigid compulsions temporarily dissolved:

  “I got into my bed just wearing, like, the clothes that I had been wearing all day, which is something I hadn't been able to do for probably two years...”
  (Amanda, 28:48)

Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) & Inference-based CBT (ICBT)

• Exposure therapy started with intense difficulty and panic attacks:

  "The first time that I was doing the action I was supposed to do, I had a panic attack...I can't do this therapy."
  (Amanda, 29:29)

• Therapist’s support: “This is the worst it will be...the point is to keep exposing yourself, and your anxiety will eventually go down.” (Amanda, 30:03)
• ICBT helped Amanda catch new OCD themes quickly and challenge the validity of intrusive thoughts by recognizing abstract or hearsay foundations (32:45).

Medication and Breakthrough

• Severe depression prompted referral to a psychiatrist; Amanda began an antidepressant after genetic testing helped select the medication (36:40).
• Profound turning point:

  "I should have been on medicine just so much earlier...for the depression this is the one thing that has been so consistently helpful."
  (Amanda, 37:55)

• Milestone of recovery: Graduating from therapy, feeling "on the same playing field as everyone else" (39:15).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On controlling others due to OCD:
  “My compulsions are starting to control other people, which is like, that’s not okay.”
  (Amanda, 25:23)

• On accepting help:
  “I didn’t necessarily want help yet, and I really think mental health help is best received when you actually want it.”
  (Amanda, 22:58)

• On exposure therapy:
  “I told her this, and she was like: This is the worst it will be...keep exposing yourself, and your anxiety will eventually go down.”
  (Amanda, 30:03)

• On recognizing intrusive thoughts:
  “Being able to see whatever my line of thinking was and then say...that's actually just a random fact that I read one time, and that hearsay is just some random story that I read on the Internet.”
  (Amanda, 33:30)

• On family and reassurance:
  “The way that they can help me is by not reassuring...my boyfriend’s also really good at this now...he’s like, I’m not even going to entertain that thought.”
  (Amanda, 35:00)

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Important Timestamps

• 01:57 – Amanda begins her story, quoting a teacher on silent battles.
• 03:00 – Religious OCD during childhood camp; compulsive prayers.
• 06:05 – Early contamination OCD: Hand-washing rituals.
• 09:30 – Start of food control and its relationship with anxiety and IBS.
• 14:00 – Visible withdrawal and depression in high school.
• 16:54 – COVID-19 intensifies contamination OCD.
• 18:26 – Introduction of harm OCD: intrusive dreams and avoidant behaviors.
• 22:00 – Initial experience in therapy and barriers to open communication.
• 25:23 – Compulsions affecting relationships/social dynamics.
• 27:30 – Realization and relief through OCD diagnosis and assessment.
• 28:48 – Loss of loved ones prompts temporary suspension of compulsions.
• 29:29 – ERP therapy, panic attack, and therapist’s guidance.
• 32:45 – Helpful aspects of ICBT highlighted.
• 35:00 – Managing family accommodation and relationships.
• 36:40 – Turning point: seeking psychiatry and starting medication.
• 39:15 – Marking recovery: graduating from therapy.
• 38:15, 40:49, 42:03 – Amanda’s words of hope and advice to her younger self.
• 42:03 – “Continue”—the one word Amanda would put on a billboard.

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Words of Hope & Final Advice (38:15, 40:49, 42:03)

• “Do it anyway. Do it happy, do it sad, do it scared, do it tired. Because life goes on, like, inevitably goes on.” (Amanda, 38:15)
• To her 16-year-old self: “Ask for help…being vulnerable is good and the people in your life who love you want to help you.” (Amanda, 39:55)
• On perseverance:

  “Continue. I have that tattooed. That’s the only thing you can do is just continue and it’s simple...that is truly just the only thing that is going to get you to keep moving forward.”
  (Amanda, 40:55)

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Takeaways

• Symptom progression: Amanda’s experience exemplifies how OCD can evolve, intermingle with depression, and shift compulsions and themes in response to life stages and stressors.
• Therapeutic process: Successful treatment often combines the right timing, engagement, therapy modalities (ERP, ICBT), and—when needed—medication.
• Family/friend roles: Support, once redirected from reassurance to boundaries, becomes a vital asset.
• Recovery is non-linear: Setbacks, grief, new demands, and ongoing intrusive thoughts are part of the process.
• The power of vulnerability and perseverance: Amanda emphasizes open communication, asking for help, and simply continuing—“Do it anyway.”

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This summary provides comprehensive coverage of Amanda’s episode for listeners and non-listeners alike, highlighting key insights, notable quotes, and the lived experience of navigating OCD and depression with hope and persistence.

Transcript

[A]

You're listening to the OCD Stories podcast hosted by me, Stuart Ralph. The OCD Stories is a podcast dedicated to raising awareness and understanding around obsessive compulsive symptoms. I do this through interviewing inspired therapists, psychologists and people who have experienced OCD. Welcome to the OCD stories and welcome.

[B]

To episode 513 of the podcast. And in this one I chat with Amanda who has kindly agreed to share her OCD story with us. In it, we discuss OCD themes of religion, harm and contamination. Amanda talks about depression, controlling food, stopping, driving, navigating the COVID pandemic and OCD compulsions, controlling other people, therapy, grief and loss, figuring out it was okay not to do her compulsions, erp, inference based CBT medication, managing family accommodation, words of hope, and much more. More and thanks to our podcast partners.

[A]

Nocd.

[B]

If OCD is interfering with your life, NOCD can help. They're licensed therapists, specialize in exposure and response prevention therapy. The most proven therapy for OCD with NOCD, effective treatment that is 100% virtual.

[A]

Is available for children and adults with OCD.

[B]

And most members can get started within seven days on average. No hassle, just real science backed help and support between sessions. Begin your [e-mail] or I'll put the link in the episode description. So thank you to Amanda for her time and her story. I really appreciate it and of course, thank you to you guys. As always, it means a lot. I do really appreciate it. Without further ado, here is Amanda.

[A]

Welcome to the podcast, Amanda.

[C]

Thank you. I'm so excited to be here.

[A]

Yeah, it's good to have you on. So, as you know, I'd love to hear your OCD story and you can share that in as little as much detail as you want to give.

[C]

Okay. Yeah, so I'm going to start it off with a quote that one of my teachers in middle school really drilled into our head and that's everyone is fighting a silent battle you know nothing about. And this is my silent battle. So for context, I am 23. Today's actually my 23rd birthday and thank you. And I was officially diagnosed with OCD when I was 20, but I think I definitely had OCD, or at least the potential to develop it way earlier in my life. And so I'm kind of going to tell my story chronologically, so going back to my childhood, maybe like elementary school, there are some things now that I can look back and say, oh, that was ocd, but just didn't know it at the time. So one example is religion ocd. So I grew up very Christian, always went to a Christian camp every summer. And every summer they would have us. They would talk to us about, you know, if you want to accept Christ into your heart, you can say this prayer and, you know, you'll go to heaven. And I remember every summer I would do this over and over and over because I was always worried about saying the wrong thing and then not getting it to heaven, which, you know, when you're like eight, that's kind of a big concern. And so that's one example. And I remember I finally told one of my counselors there, which they're just college students, so. And they were like, oh, you know, okay, you know, we'll say a prayer to, you know, help you with that. But praying for religion, OCD is probably, like, the worst thing you can do for that. But, you know, they're not equipped to handle that. So anyway, and so that's one example. Another example I can think of is when I was in, I think it was like, fifth grade, I scored the best on my, like, science state exam, and my teacher pulled me out of class to tell me, and she was like, oh, congratulations. But then she told me she was a pretty young teacher. She told me, you know, this is really awesome, but before you go to middle school and high school, I want you to know that grades aren't everything and they don't define you. And at the time, I was like, why is my teacher telling me this? But looking back, I can definitely realize she was telling me that because I was already so stressed and worried about performing perfectly in school. And that's something my parents can definitely attest to. And so I think she was just trying. I should have taken her advice much earlier on. But, yeah, that's another example. And then my last one from my early childhood, I can think of. And what's probably the most, like, telltale sign of OCD in media is washing my hands. I remember I would read on the soap bottle how it said, kills 99.9% of germs. So I'd wash my hands and think, okay, I killed 99.9% of the germs. And then I'd wash my hands again and think, Okay, I killed 99.9% of the 0.01%. I didn't kill the last time and just do that a few times until I was like, okay, that's probably good enough. Which, at 10 years old, I did not need to be worrying about that and just never really thought about it or thought it Was weird until later on just learning more and realizing, oh, that's not normal. And so that was just kind of like in my childhood. And then I also have depression. So if the OCD wasn't enough, that's also there. But that is something that is just genetic in my family, like, it is. I always knew about that growing up, that I would probably deal with that in one way or another. And so the earliest I can remember dealing with this is making middle school. And so now I'm having to deal with both these unexplained feelings of sadness and then also just this heightened anxiety from random things throughout my life. And in middle school, I started having a lot of stomach problems. So my stomach was hurting all the time, and it was definitely attributed to a lot of the anxiety I was feeling. And I'm now diagnosed with ibs, irritable bowel syndrome, and have, like, seen gastroenterologists for that. But at the time, like, I didn't know what was wrong. And so I was like, oh, it must be something I'm eating. You know, something I'm eating is hurting my stomach. And so then it became a very obsessive behavior of trying to control my food to figure out what is hurting my stomach, and for lack of better word, just honestly turned into an eating disorder. Whether it started out, you know, more innocently, if I really was just feeling sick. So I was like, okay, let me stop it. But then it was, like, very obsessively tracking my calories and what I'm putting into my body. And I was also exercising a lot because I was on a dance team, and so just got out of control. But then I think I quickly realized, like, what it had turned into. And looking back now, you know, eating disorders and OCD are pretty highly correlated just because they are such obsessive tendencies. And so, yeah, I think I struggled with that for, like, a year or two when I was, like, maybe 14, 15, and then in high school. So, I mean, I had been dealing with the ocd, but the depression was just kind of like a low level, Constantly there, but not really overpowering. But I, like, hadn't told anyone about any of this still. And then my sophomore year, I remember one of our classmates died, and I wasn't super close with him, but a lot of my friends were. And so everyone around me is, you know, going through this great grief and just experiencing such great sadness. And so then I finally felt like, for once, I could not put this mask on of, like, you know, I'm totally 100%. Okay. Because everyone else around me was feeling sad. And so I let my guard down a little bit of just finally feeling the depression rather than just trying to mask it. And, I mean, that's good, but I still wasn't telling anyone that the reason I was feeling like that was for something other than the situation that was at hand, that it was really because I was dealing with something in my mind. And the depression comes and goes in waves. So. So it got better for a bit. And, I mean, the OCD was definitely still there, just mainly showing up in contamination, I would say. And so then in my junior year of high school, I was just spreading myself way too thin with school and my dance team and having a leadership position on my dance team, and then also working. And so I was just not sleeping enough, which I think sleep is probably, like, the most important thing you can do for your health. And so I just very quickly fell into the cycle of. I was just so busy that I got really depressed to the point where other people were, like, finally noticing. I remember I took my best friend to school every day because she was my neighbor, and I just, honestly just stopped talking in the car to her. I'd stopped talking at my dance practice, only had to talk or only talked at school when I really had to. And then I would just go home and do my homework, go to work and go to bed. And that's the first time I think other people really noticed, like, okay, something is wrong. And I still didn't tell my parents or anything, but they definitely knew. I struggled with some sort of overall anxiety on the surface, which was really just my OCD presenting itself externally. But then my junior year was 2020, so that's when Covid hit. So then March, I stopped going to school. And not to say Covid was a good thing at all, but having this break in my life was a really good thing because it just finally allowed me to relax. You know, I had to stop going to work, stop going to school. My dance scene wasn't happening, and so I could finally just rest. And that really, really helped me. I was also forced to go take walks outside. You know, small stuff like that. And my depression really did get a lot better, which was good. But whenever my depression gets better, I feel like my OCD is like, okay, hey, I'm back. And the contamination OCD just skyrocketed because of COVID as I'm sure a lot of people honestly experienced. I mean, no one wanted to get Covid, but I just. I could not fathom the thought of possibly getting sick. And so. And I live in Texas, where we did not do a good job of regulating it at all. And so it was just. It was so high everywhere. And so I was so worried about getting it. And I remember when I first heard that there was a vaccine, I was like, how can I be the first person to get this? Which in the US you needed to be high risk or like a healthcare worker. And I was neither of those. And so, yeah, that was just really distressing. And I mean, throughout the summer, I would see people and hang out with people and, you know, if someone texted me after and was like, oh, hey, you know, I'm not feeling well, like, that would just send me over the edge. Like, I was just so not okay with that and so obsessive about getting it. And then around this time, I also started experiencing harm OCD for the first time. I remember when I was younger, I would always have really vivid, violent dreams, and then the next day they would just pop into my head and I felt like I wasn't able to stop thinking about it. And so those kind of came back. And I remember I had this dream about I was driving my car and then going blind. And so then I crashed my car. And that was like, so distressing for me. And so then after that dream, I was thinking about that so much, and then it came to the point where I just didn't even want to drive my car. And so I stopped driving. And I would have my friends take me places or my parents take me places. And I mean, I didn't tell them why, but I would just kind of brush it off as, oh, I don't like driving, or I don't feel like driving, or oh, I'm tired. But it was really just because I was so worried about crashing my car, hitting someone else. And, you know, it's a really distressing thing to deal with when you're just trying to drive and you have all these thoughts in your head. And so that is honestly something I still struggle with to this day. Sometimes there are days where I just can't drive. And a lot of my friends know that I don't like driving, whether they know why or not. So, yeah, that's one thing that honestly hasn't completely gone away. And then starting my senior year of high school, so we had the choice if we wanted to go back to school or like, stay at home. And so I stayed at home for six weeks, but basically everyone I knew went back to school. And so my brother went back to school. And my parents went back to work. So I was just at home doing school alone for six weeks. And I think there was just also a lot of change going on in my life. And so I just got really depressed just because I was so alone all the time, I think. And it finally got to the point where I told my parents, and so I was just telling them, you know, hey, I've been feeling this sadness, like, this unexplained sadness. I don't know why. And I also, you know, have been dealing with this anxiety. I didn't tell them, you know, I just kind of made it sound like I was anxious from school or getting into college, stuff like that. Not. I am overly worried about the germs on my hand and crashing my car when I drive. And so basically immediately they put me into therapy. My dad had this therapist that already knew a lot of his history. And so I saw her, and I'm sure she was a really great therapist. But at 17, I just did not want that help. I felt like I told my parents just because I couldn't deal with it by myself anymore, but that I didn't necessarily want help yet. And I really think mental health help is best received when you actually want it. And so I felt like she couldn't help with the depression that much just because, I don't know, I just felt like it wasn't something that she could help me cope with. Whereas the anxiety, there were tools she could give me and things she could help me with, but I would only really tell her, I'm anxious about getting into college or, you know, I'm anxious about doing well on my exams. Not, you know, I have these really violent, vivid dreams that I can't stop thinking about. So I never told her about any of my intrusive thoughts. And eventually, I think six months later, I stopped seeing her. And, I mean, my life did get better. I feel like I did just get happier. And then I graduated high school, went to college, and my OCD got better for a little bit, honestly, just because I feel like when you are introduced to a completely new environment and situation, you know, you're forced out of your old habits a little bit. And so your OCD just is forced to kind of take a break for a second. And so I mainly was doing really well. The only thing I really struggled with at this time was still contamination ocd. Mainly in the fact that just in college, everyone is just so, like, close all the time. You know, there's a bunch of people living in my dorm, and if we go to parties or something. I wouldn't drink after anyone because I was so worried about getting sick. And then at this point, it also. I think this is when I realized, like, okay, I really need to do something about this is. I would tell my boyfriend also. I was like, you're also not allowed to drink after anyone, because then if you drink after someone and then kiss me and then I get sick, you know that that can't happen. And so then it was getting to the point where my compulsions are starting to control other people, which is like, that's not okay. And so somewhere along, somewhere in this time in either freshman or sophomore year, I came across OCD and kind of thought, oh, maybe I have that. And so I told my boyfriend. And then I just didn't think about it again for a bit because I was like, oh, yeah, okay, whatever. And so then in the spring of my sophomore year, I studied abroad. So once again moving to a completely new environment, being forced out of my old habits for a bit. So my OCD did get better. But then, you know, probably two months in, when I'm settled in there, it came back, and mainly in the form of contamination. Just I was taking a lot of public transportation, and so I would overly use hand sanitizer when I was, like, touching the rails and stuff like that. And so then I finally was like, okay, I'm gonna do something about this. And so I made an appointment to see my, like, mental health office at my university when I got home. And so in May of that year, so, like, 2023, I visited them, and I was just like, hey, I want you to help me find a therapist in the city I lived in that specializes in OCD and chronic illness. Because at this point, my IBS was just really bad that I was like, I will try anything to try to make it better. And so she was like, okay. And so we found someone, and I contacted her. And then I was like, actually, no, I'm fine. I don't need this. And that's just because I wasn't ready to deal with it honestly. And I did also get a new gastroenterologist, so my IBS got a lot better. And so it really was just. I knew I would be seeing her for the sole focus of ocd, and I just still wasn't ready to deal with that. But sure enough, it didn't get better, obviously, because I was just avoiding it. And so then three months later, like, at the beginning of my junior year of college, I contacted her again, and I was like, okay. Hey, I actually do really need help. She's like, okay. And so we had a consultation, and then I started seeing her for therapy. And in my first appointment, we did the Y box test. And she also had. I don't know if this is part of the Y box test, but she had this, like, sheet with all these possible OCD themes. And I literally checked every theme on there except for, like, the symmetry theme, which I feel like was one that's really portrayed in media. And when I was taking the Y box, I just remember thinking, like, I broke down crying because I was like, oh, my God, I'm not insane. Like, there is a word for these things that are going on in my head. And I just couldn't believe I had went that long without realizing what that was. And when we did this Y box test, I remember I scored in the severe category. And I think this was really distressing for both me and her, because it was like, how was I even functioning as a human at this point? Because, I mean, I was a college student, so going to class, working, and socializing. But then in my head, there was just all this going on. And so I think finally hearing that was like, okay, you know, this was the right decision to start therapy and start getting the help. And so I started therapy. The first few weeks were just kind of learning about what OCD was, how it gets started in your brain. And then literally three weeks into therapy, my childhood dog and grandfather died in the same day. And so I went home, like, to my hometown, and we unexpectedly had to put my dog down. And then right after, drove to hospice to say bye to my grandfather. And so that was, like, obviously horrible and just a really sad time for my family. And I was obviously feeling sad. And this was the first time I had really experienced, like, true grief. And I remember I came home from the hospice place, and I got into my bed just wearing, like, the clothes that I had been wearing all day, which is something I hadn't been able to do for probably two years before because I was so worried about the contamination on my outside clothes that I would have to change before I would get into my bed. And so. But I remember that day. You know, I just. I didn't care. And so I got in my bed, and then I also remember my dad, he, like, cooked me dinner or something. And I was really weird about letting other people cook my food because I was so worried that they would accidentally contaminate it, and I just would always want to do it myself. But that day, I ate the Food he cooked me and, you know, survived, went on with my life. And I remember the next appointment that I had with my therapist. You know, I told her all of this, what just happened with my family. And I told her about these two things that I normally wouldn't be able to do. And she was like, obviously, what happened to your fam. You and your family is terrible. But this is proof that you cannot engage in these compulsions and you don't live your life that you, you know, you're not going to die from not doing it. And so then I started ERP therapy, so exposure response prevention. And this helped me so much. I remember when I first. Like, when she was first telling me about it, I was like, there's no way I can actually help that much. Like, because I just. I don't know. With ocd, you're so in your head all the time, and. But it did. It really helped so much. I remember the first thing that we were trying to tackle was my contamination, and we were going up the hierarchy we had made, and I was trying to break, like, the ritual that I would do after I would shower to, you know, minimize contamination or whatever. And I remember the first time that I was doing the action I was supposed to do, I had a panic attack. So I was so anxious after doing it, and I was like, I can't do this. Like, I can't do this therapy. I can't have panic attack every day when I'm just trying to get better. Like, this is kind of going in the reverse direction. And so I told her this, and she was like, this is the worst it will be. You know, the point is to keep exposing yourself, and so your anxiety will eventually go down. So I was like, okay, you know, I'll try again. And sure enough, you know, she was right. It really, really helped for the physical compulsions that I was engaging in. And then I also started doing I. CBT therapy, which really helped me, just because for any new OCD theme that had come up, the ICBT therapy really helped me to kind of show myself how this thought is invalid before the compulsion even began. And that is really helpful. Just also because I'm such, like, an intellectual person and, like, always want to know the why of things. And that really helped to stay to pinpoint specific things of how that thought actually isn't true. And so I was doing a lot of work for this, but then come, like, winter, so maybe like, February of the following year of my junior year, my depression just got so bad again. I think just A combination of, you know, the grief I was experiencing and this OCD therapy that I was doing. Obviously it was helpful, but it is just mentally draining. And then I was also just really busy with school, and my depression just got really bad. And I told my therapist about this, and I was honest with her, you know, because I wanted to really do the therapy right this time. And we would talk about it a bit, and she was helpful. But then eventually it just came to the point where she was like, I don't think there's anything more I can do to help you with this depression. And so she referred me to a psychiatrist in my area. And so I was still seeing my therapist for, like, the ocd, but for the depression. I went and saw the psychiatrist and we talked, and she, you know, brought up inpatient therapy and going to the hospital, and I was like, you know, it was just. It was a very distressing appointment of, like, deciding what we should do. And we decided on, you know, she was for sure going to put me on some kind of antidepressant, because up until this point, I hadn't taken any medicine. But she was like, because of the state you know, you're in, I really want you to find a medicine that works, just because sometimes, you know, you have to try two or three before you find the one that works for you. And so I appreciate her for this, but it was also just horrible. I did, like, a genetic testing thing where they take some of. I forgot if it was, like, your blood or your saliva or whatever, and based on your genetics, they can see what drugs you metabolize best, just what would work best for you. And so I was. I liked this idea, but I didn't like the fact that I would have to wait two weeks until I got my answer. And so we just had this appointment where she was possibly talking about inpatient therapy. And then it was like, okay, see you in two weeks when I have the medicine that you should take. And I was like, okay. And so those two weeks were really hard. I remember I was just trying to, you know, take care of myself in some capacity. I skipped a lot of my classes. I wasn't hanging out with people. I was sleeping just so much. But push through. Finally got back to that appointment that was in two weeks, and I started medicine. And this just genuinely changed my life. I should have been on medicine just so much earlier. I think for the ocd, it would, like. It definitely helps. But the thing that really has helped my OCD the most is just therapy. But for the depression this is the one thing that has been so consistently helpful, and so I'm really grateful for that. And so starting, like, that summer, I just started to feel so much better. And I was still doing the OCD therapy, but we really had, you know, tackled a lot of the really hard things at that point. And I remember I saw some random ad for an OCD clinical trial, and so I participated in that. I mean, I didn't have to do much, just answer some questions, and they took my blood, and I was like, if I can help even one person at all, you know, I will do that. And I'm a researcher myself, so I know, like, how important all that process is. And so that was rewarding to do that. And then In September of 2024, I stopped going to therapy. So I went from seeing a psychiatrist every two weeks and a therapist every week to now I see my psychiatrist every, like, two months. And I'm not in therapy anymore because I scored so low on the Y box that she was like, I, in good conscience, cannot keep you here for a clinical reason. And so I was like, well, that's great. And so, yeah, I would say it's been, like, a little over a year of just really steady mental health and finally feeling like I'm on the same playing field as everyone else, more or less. And. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Wow. Well, amazing. And, yeah, I'm glad you found the. Well, I'm glad therapy helped. And then obviously, the right combination of meds and all the right dosage, whatever, and. Okay, nice. And. And when you started taking medication, how long did it take for you to start to see a difference, do you think?

[C]

Yeah, I would say at least, like, a month, because I started at a really low dose and, like, titrated up to where she thought would be a good dose. And doing that just physically made me feel really bad. But then finally, once I got to that point where she thought was good, I stayed on that for a while and felt physically better. And then mentally, I remember I can, like, pinpoint the exact memory of when I was like, okay, I'm gonna be okay, as my boyfriend and I went on this trip, and we went to Portugal. And I remember we had, like, our plans had been so messed up that day. I mean, it was definitely our fault. But then finally, we had just decided to take this hike. And so we took this hike, and it led to this very beautiful outlook. And we were just looking at the sunset. And I remember in that moment, I was like, okay, I'm going to be okay. Like, all of this, you know, it's. It's in the past and I made it out and it's going to be okay. And so I think that was about probably like a month after I had been on the dosage that she thought was good, but probably two months since I initially started the medicine. So.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, no, thank you for sharing that. And yeah, what a nice visual. Where in Portugal did you go?

[C]

That was in Porto. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Awesome.

[A]

And yeah, you may have mentioned, I may have missed it, but with like the harm OCD stuff and what were some of the compulsions you were doing around those worries?

[C]

Yeah, I feel like for the harm ocd, there weren't a lot of physical compulsions I would do. It was more of just complete avoidance. So avoiding driving sometimes. This wasn't very often, but sometimes I would have a hard time, like cooking, like if I had to cut stuff with a knife. There were just some days I was like, okay, you know what, I can't do this. So avoiding that. Yeah, I think that's really it. Just mainly like avoidance of any situation where I could possibly hurt someone or myself. I was like, no, I'm just not going to even engage in this.

[A]

Cool. Yeah. Did you ever do anything like, around rumination, like replaying memories or looking for evidence.

[C]

Yeah, for the harm ocd. I remember my therapist, she had me write like an uncertainty script for specifically the harm ocd and then she would make me listen to it while I was driving and that I hated that. But it is helpful. I should probably go back to doing that whenever I am dealing with the driving issues. But yeah, because obviously for harm ocd, it's hard to try to engage in whatever the thing is that you're dealing with. And so I think mainly the things that we would do for that is me writing out the worst case possible scenario I can think of and then saying that to myself or replaying it over and over.

[A]

Yeah, that's useful. And with ICBT you mentioned, obviously it helped you kind of catch it early and understand the logic and reasoning the OCD was using. Is there any other aspects of an ICBT you found particularly helpful?

[C]

I think just the. I don't know what they're exactly called, but the things that usually make up an OCD thought. So the ones that I can remember that I was taught was the OCD thought that you have is not actually based on anything. True. And so it's instead based on like, abstract facts, hearsay. Yeah, yeah. Rules and. Yes, yeah. And I think the ones that I. I think Hearsay and abstract facts. That's why I remember those the most are the ones that I really would, you know, develop a thought from. And so being able to, you know, kind of see whatever my line of thinking was and then say, like, okay, that's actually just a random fact that I read one time, and that hearsay is just some random story that I read on the Internet. And, you know, that really helps me to be like, okay, this is actually not really that true or relevant to my life at all. So. Yeah.

[A]

Nice. Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Awesome.

[A]

And was that the same therapist that was using both?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, cool. Good, good. Um, so. And yeah, I remember you. You saying you told your parents about the depression and ocd, and did they help you in any way in terms of getting involved in therapy or not reassuring or. Or anything like that?

[C]

Yeah, I would say for the therapy, like, when I was in high school, they sometimes were involved. And then for the ocd, yeah. When I first told them about it and that I had been in therapy for it, I remember my mom, she was, like, cooking me something, and she was like, okay, I'm gonna wash my hands at this step and this step. And I was like, no, actually, don't tell me any of this. I don't want to be reassured. And obviously your parents don't. They want to do whatever's going to alleviate your anxiety. And so I feel like they kind of had to shift their thinking a little bit of, okay, the way that they can help me is by not reassuring and, you know, not trying to alleviate my anxiety. And my boyfriend's also really good at this now. I live with him now, and so there are some things where he can pick up on it. And he's like, nope, I'm not even. Like, if I say something sometimes, and he's like, I'm not even going to entertain that thought. And I'm like, man, I trained you really well. So, yeah, I think the people in my life have been helpful for that, but after, I have to explain to them, like, no, actually, for ocd, you. You can't reassure me.

[A]

So. Okay.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Thank you. And are there any, like, roadblocks you feel you hit? And if so, like, how did you overcome them?

[C]

Yeah, I would say for the ERP therapy, there was definitely a point where I was just like, okay, I can't do this. Not in the fact that I knew that it. I mean, I knew it was working, but I feel like, you know, I'm doing the ERP therapy on, like, the side of living the rest of My life. And so it was just. I remember I did tell my therapist, I was like, okay, I just have to stop this for, like, at least a week or two weeks. I just need a break. Because, you know, once you fix one thing, then it's onto the next, either higher up your hierarchy or a completely new thought. And it was just too much for me at some point. And so I was like, I need a break just for a little bit. And I mean, that was good eventually. But, yeah, I think that was a roadblock. And then I think also just, like, the grief that I had felt, because it was like, okay, I finally got myself into the therapy, like, ea, I'm gonna get better. And then it was like, no, actually, hold on, let's throw this in here. And so I think that was another roadblock, too, because I was finally ready to tackle this ocd. And then just this major life change happened, and so that I had to deal with that and then go back to, okay, now let me mentally prepare again for trying to think of the ocd. And then also another roadblock that's kind of ongoing is I do research in, like, medicine, and so I did that in undergrad, and I do that now. And I really have to fight my contamination OCD with this, just because there's so much at my job that I. That my OCD can just, you know, pick up, whether it's, you know, there are all these chemicals over there. And me thinking like, oh, what if you go drink one of those chemicals? Like, obviously, I'm not going to go do that, but my OCD loves to think about that. Or I work with lasers sometimes. So then thinking like, oh, what if I shine this laser in my eye and, you know, go blind or whatever. And I have had enough therapy now to know, like, okay, I'm not going to do that. And this is just my ocd, whatever. But it is hard to still have these thoughts while I am just trying to do my job. And so I think that's a roadblock I'm still dealing with a little bit. But, yeah, okay.

[A]

Yeah, it's. Recovery is not a straight line. Right.

[B]

It's.

[A]

Right, Yeah, A windy road. But. So your words are hope, what would you tell anyone listening?

[C]

Yeah, I was thinking about my answer for this. I would say there's, like, a quote from somewhere that just says, do it anyway. And I really like that because especially if you're dealing with mental health, you are not going to feel good a lot of the time, but there are still things that you need to do there's still things you need to do for yourself and for others. And so I would say just do it anyway, you know, do it happy, do it sad, do it scared, do it tired. Because life goes on, like, inevitably goes on. And I feel like looking back at like my college experience and stuff, there is stuff that I feel like I missed out on because I was dealing with all of this. And so now I feel like my attitude is to do it anyway. I mean, even just coming on this podcast, like this morning, I was like, oh, wait, I'm kind of nervous. Maybe I shouldn't do it. And then it was like, no, you know, that's, that's fine. You can be nervous and still do it. Yeah. So, yeah, and at the end of the day, like, yeah, you're gonna have, you know, hopefully like a support system, but you really have yourself at the end of the day, like, that is the one true thing that will be there. And so I think if you can have this other voice in your head that's trying to motivate you to do things despite how you feel, then that will really carry you into moving forward.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, I like that. And you pick up the phone and call the 16 year old you. What do you do?

[C]

Oh, man, that's a good question. Honestly, I would probably tell her to just tell someone, like to just talk to anyone. I mean, I had such great friends in my life and my parents are great. And I don't know why I felt like I had to just deal with all of this alone and not tell anyone anything. And so I think I would just tell her, like, asking for help is not a bad thing. You know, being vulnerable is good and the people in your life who love you want to help you. That's why they're there. And so, yeah, I think I would just tell her that. Just tell her it is okay to not know everything at 16. Like, I feel like I know less at 23 than I did at 16. So, yeah, probably that.

[A]

Cool. Yeah, I like that. And you got a billboard. What do you want written on that billboard?

[C]

Yes, I think I kind of like my quote of do it anyway, but instead continue. I have that tattooed. Just. I think that, like, that's the only thing you can do is just continue and it's simple. But, like, that is truly just the only thing that is going to get you to keep moving forward. I remember, like in this two week period where I had that appointment with my psychiatrist and then was waiting for the medicine every day, I thought because we had talked about possible inpatient therapy. And every day I thought, like, oh, my God, maybe I should just go. Like, I can't do this. And then every day I was like, okay, let me just try for one more day. Let me just continue existing in my apartment for one more day. You know, let me just go to bed and wake up, think about it tomorrow. And, you know, eventually I didn't, and it came to that appointment, and I was, you know, still functioning. And so, yeah, I think it would just be to continue because that's. That's all you can do.

[A]

So, yeah, continue. I like it. Yeah. Absolutely amazing. Well, is there anything else you wish you could have said or shared today?

[C]

I don't. I don't think so. No. I think we got it all.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Well, thank you so much for sharing your story. It's been amazing to hear it, and I'm really happy you're doing well.

[C]

Yes, thank you.

[A]

No worries. Well, I appreciate it.

[C]

Yes, thank you so much. I appreciate it.

[A]

Thank you for listening to this week's.

[B]

Podcast and thank you to our Patreons who helped make this episode possible. And if you would like to find out more about Patreon and the rewards and benefits, then there will be a link in the episode description.

[A]

If you enjoy the OCD Stories podcast and would like to support us, please subscribe and rate the show wherever you listen to the podcast. And thank you to NOCD for supporting our work. If you want to find out more about nocd, you can click the link in the episode description. And quick disclaimer. Guys, this podcast is not therapy. It is not a replacement for therapy. Please seek treatment from a trained professional. And until we speak, take care.