A (0:00)

You're listening to the OCD Stories podcast hosted by me, Stuart Ralph. The OCD Stories is a podcast dedicated to raising awareness and understanding around obsessive compulsive symptoms. I do this for interviewing inspired therapists, psychologists and people who have experienced OCD. Welcome to the OCD stories and welcome to episode 530 of the podcast. And in this one I chat with Amy who has kindly agreed to share her OCD story with us. And in particular we discuss relationship themed ocd, harm themed ocd, contamination themed ocd. Realizing that what was going on for her was ocd, disordered eating, how her husband helped finding the OCD community, doing exposure response prevention therapy, medication and much more. And thanks to our podcast partners, nocd. If OCD is interfering with your life, NOCD can help their licensed therapists specialize in exposure and response prevention therapy. The most proven therapy for OCD with NOCD, effective treatment that is 100% virtual, is available for children and adults with OCD and most members can get started within seven days on average. No hassle, just real science backed help and support between sessions. Begin your journey@nocd.com or I'll put the link in the episode description. So thank you so much to Amy for her time and her story. It was great chatting with her and of course, thank you to you guys for listening. As always, as you know, it means a lot. Without further ado, here is Amy. Welcome to the podcast, Amy.

B (1:37)

Thank you so much for having me. I have actually wanted to do this for years and then I finally got the courage to apply. So yeah, thank you for having me. Okay, I'll just get into my story and hopefully people can find a little bit of hope in it.

A (2:01)

Yeah, I'm sure they will.

B (2:04)

So yeah, I'll just start at the very start. I knew something wasn't quite right, but I had no idea what it was. For about eight years. It was just, I had all these things in my head and I was just like, I can't tell anybody any of this because I don't know, they're just gonna lock me up somewhere because it's not normal. You know, I had thoughts about harming other people and myself and, you know, children and I just like, everyone's just gonna think I'm a complete psycho. So. And I. The only way I could explain it is that I had this feeling of impending doom without going into the details of what was in my head. So I did go to a doctor and I tried to explain it and at that time it was rocd. So I. Without sounding like, oh, I think my boyfriend's gonna dump me. I didn't know really how to explain it, because I knew nothing was wrong with our relationship, and I wanted him more than anything. And, yeah, it just. Nothing made sense, and I didn't know how to articulate that to a doctor. So I just said, I have this constant feeling of impending doom. You know, I'm constantly crying. I have no idea what's wrong with me. Everything in my life is fine. But I. I was. I was just constantly crying all the time, and I was telling my boyfriend, who's now my husband, like, I just constantly feel like we're gonna break up or something like that, even though nothing's wrong. And then so the doctor, they sent me for blood tests and a random diabetes test. All of those tests came back fine. So I said to them, I was like, okay, so it's just all in my head. And she literally said, yeah, I think you're just unlucky. And I was sent on my way. I was like, okay, thanks. So, yeah, I just kind of carried on with life that. The crying did kind of calm down. I tried to distract myself a lot, but all of these thoughts were still internally distressing me. There was a lot of harm thoughts as well. It was like a. When something new came up, it was kind of like a. A stab in the gut, and I was like, oh, my goodness, why have I had that thought? Like, I'm truly a monster, and this is. This is exactly how people get put in prison. So, yeah, every time, it completely terrified me, but I was able to continue with life. You know, I. We went on holidays, we got engaged, we bought a house, we got a couple of cats, we got married. And then, you know, OCD was with me all of that time in every single one of those occasions that was supposed to be so happy and exciting. And they were. But I was just upset that I had these thoughts as well. And again, I didn't ever go into really, any detail with my partner. So again, it was just me, myself, and I. And I just carried on. And I know that now that I know what OCD is and what I was dealing with, it was. It was definitely present, and it definitely made some decisions about my wedding. But overall, I was able to have the most amazing day. And, yeah, I have such happy memories, and I. I get a little bit annoyed that I had those thoughts with me at the time. But again, there's nothing you can do about that. There's nothing you can do about the thoughts. So I Just try to move on. And I'm only saying that so that other people. No. Like, it's okay to have these thoughts even on, like, the most special, exciting days of your life. Yeah. But, yeah, I just didn't know it at the time. I just thought I was going crazy. And then, yeah, it was very shortly after we got married. I would. So we went on our honeymoon. It was great. We had an amazing time. Came back, everything was fine for a couple of months, and then my mum was a bit unwell, and she needed an operation. And then it was from that. I think that was kind of what broke the camel's pack. My compulsions started to physically creep in around then. It was like, oh, if I eat this, then your mom will die. If I finish this yogurt, then your mom will die. Or even. It was. Even. It crept into my work as well. And it was like. Because I was a nail technician, and I had people come to the house, and it was like the night before, if I was eating a yogurt as an evening snack or something, it was like, don't finish the last spoonful, otherwise you'll hurt your client. You'll spread a disease or something. So. And I think that as well just goes to show how nonsensical OCD can be. It was like, okay, so if I finish this yogurt, I'm gonna hurt my client or my mom's gonna die? Like, this yogurt has nothing to do with what happens to other people or my actions, but it feels so real, it's terrifying. So obviously, I'm gonna leave that spoonful of yogurt. And then, yeah, it just kind of crept in slowly but surely. And again, I still had no idea what I was dealing with. I'm only saying that I know that they're compulsions now because of every. All the treatment I've had and the education I've had and the advocacy I've done and things like that. At the time, yeah, I just thought, oh, it's easy. I just won't eat that bit. I won't have that bit. And then I can carry on with my life. And then it crept in to a little bit more, and it was more centered around my mom not recovering from her operation. And again, that just goes to show. Like, you know, OCD does attach to those you love most. And I am very close with my mom. So, yeah, I was kind of like, in my head space. Protect her at all costs. But again, speaking about it now, I know that it doesn't make any sense not to eat the last crisp in the packet or the last bite of a banana. So, yeah, and then everything kind of got into the contamination world. And I was cleaning the kitchen one day, and I'd made my husband a sandwich for him to take to work. And I suddenly realized when I was spraying the kitchen cleaner, the. The loaf of bread was open slightly, so. And I thought, oh, my God, I'm. I. I'm gonna poison him. So I told him straight away. I was like, oh, I don't know if the sandwich is any good because I don't know if I sprayed it with disinfectant. And he was a bit. I don't want to say stressed, because he never gets stressed out, but he was in a rush to go to work, basically, and he had to hit the motorway, and he was like, oh, fine, whatever. And then he left the sandwich, and I was like, oh, my God, that's true. He thinks I'm going to poison him. So the rest of that day, until he came home, like, I was, like, internally distraught, and I didn't know what to do with myself. I threw that loaf of bread away, and again, that loaf of bread was up on a shelf and I was cleaning the worktop, so there's no way it could have got in, but in my brain it was like, yeah, that definitely got disinfected. Um, so then, yeah, he came home from work that day, he asked me how my anxiety was. And, oh, before he came home, I had. We had some, like, little party sausage roll things in the fridge. So I was like, oh, I'll just have one of those. Put the whole thing in my mouth, started chewing it, and then all of a sudden it was like, oh, my God, you can't finish this. You have to spit it out. So I spat it out into the bin straight away. And it was at that point I thought, oh, my God, I have ocd. And I think a couple of weeks before that, I was talking to one of my best friends, and she happened to mention intrusive thoughts. And that was the first time I'd even heard of intrusive thoughts as well. And she. I was at, I think, her place. I think we were doing, like, bridesmaid stuff for my wedding. And she was driving me home, and I said to her, I was like, oh, I have thoughts like that as well. And then she was just like, oh, yeah, you know, nice people have thoughts like that. It's fine. So I kind of. I guess that kind of gave me a little bit of reassurance for A couple of weeks. And then when I spat out that little party snack, I kind of put two and two together and was like, luckily, I came up with four. Like it was the right number. So, yeah, my husband came home from work and he asked me how my anxiety was doing, and I just burst into tears. And I was like, I think I have ocd. And then he was like, okay, why? And I was like, well, I can't ever finish any food, no matter if it's a whole meal or a snack or anything like that. I just think something. At this time, I wasn't going into the detail of the thoughts. I just said, I think something's. Something bad is going to happen if I finish this food, if I finish this drink. So then he kind of. This is what he does. He kind of. He goes away and he thinks about things. He does his research. And then he comes to me, he's like, oh, I found this online and stuff. And he was like, yeah, I think you do have ocd, but it's fine. We can get you treatment. And I was a bit resistant to it because I was in the mindset of, oh, it will just go away. Because I was able to live the last eight years and it was kind of like up and down, but just in my head. But now the physical compulsions were coming in. I was like, oh, it's fine. I'll be able to stop it. It's no big deal. I just need to stop doing this. And then, yeah, the contamination started to get worse with the hand washing, and my hands started to get really raw and red. And then I was. If I. I was the main cook between us, like, I love to cook and bake and share baked goods with friends and family. And one evening I was cooking and I'd got a clean pan out of the cupboard, and I was like, oh, I don't know if this is actually clean, so I'll just give it a quick clean under the tap. And then as I pulled the pan away from the sink, it tapped the side of the sink. And then I started to wash it again. And the same thing happened again and again and again. And I was just like, I just called for my husband. And I was like, I can't do it. I can't cook. It's too difficult. And it wasn't just, like, the pots and pans and utensils. It was the fruit and veg as well. I remember one evening we were having peppers, and I washed the peppers so much in water that they. By the time they were Cooked. They were so soggy. It was the most disgusting meal ever. And then I think from that moment on I was just like not cooking anymore. It's too hard, it's too difficult. And at that point, obviously OCD is winning because it doesn't want me to cook, it doesn't want me to do the things I enjoy. So then he, my husband started making me sandwiches before he went to work so that I would have something to eat during the day. Cuz at this point I getting myself food was just too difficult even for myself. There was too much hand washing involved, there was too much utensil cleaning involved and I was just, I just got to the point where it was easier not to eat. And then that kind of developed into disordered eating and it was very, very close to becoming full blown anorexia. But when I started the treatment, you know, I said I really struggled to eat and I tried to explain as much as I could. So that was one of the first things that we worked on because I, you know, you can't function if you're not eating properly. And it wasn't just food as well, it was drinks. It became too difficult for me to do anything for myself. And then it became like the most important thing to me in the day was doing the compulsions correctly. And it literally did. It literally took everything of my being. All day, every day, every movement, everything. Like, you know, just simple daily tasks like brushing your teeth, brushing your hair, having a shower. Everything had a compulsion to it and it had to be performed perfectly. And if it wasn't, then the thoughts would get louder and I would do it again. So I constantly getting stuck in that cycle and then, you know, on a daily basis my husband would come home from work, find me curled up in a corner of the bedroom, half dressed, sobbing. Because I was so stuck in a compulsion of getting dressed. I needed help. Like I got to the point where I couldn't even dress myself. So yeah, it was, there was a lot. There was a compulsion to every single movement of my day. I couldn't walk through the bedroom door without doing it 20, 25 times. I couldn't. There was an area of the house where we have like a, a unit and we keep just random stuff in it, like photos and things. And I remember there was a photo of, I think I know someone's kid in there. I think they just had a christening or something. So if I walked past that photo, not perfectly or the way that OCD wanted me to, then that baby would be harmed. So I was constantly walking back and forth, back and forth. My husband said out everything. That was the one compulsion that freaked him out because it just didn't make any sense whatsoever. At least we have contamination in some instances. Okay, she's washing her hands. She wants clean hands to be able to touch and eat food, but walking past a unit with a photo in a drawer that you can't even see, and then. Yeah, and I was constantly walking around with my hands, like, almost. My therapist calls it scrubbing in because I didn't want my hands to touch anything. So it's almost like a surgeon has just scrubbed. Scrubbed in before they do surgery and they've got their hands up. And that was my position for life. Like, I would sit on the sofa as if, like, I just scrubbed in for surgery. Like, I wouldn't touch anything because I couldn't bear the thought of having to wash my hands again because I would get stuck in, you know, three, four hour cycles of getting the perfect hand wash. And I think there was one day where I went through three bottles of hand wash just to get one perfect hand wash. Yeah. So, yeah, it was. It was definitely distressing. And at this point, my husband was still working in an office, so he wasn't here. So he didn't see a lot of it until he came home from work. And then Covid hit and we were in the house together and I said to him he was working from home as well. Like, he was lucky. He didn't get, like, made redundant or anything like that. So he still had to work. And I said to him was like, right, you have got to ignore everything I'm doing because you know, it's going to be too distractive and I just have to get on with things my way. And by my way, I mean OCD's way. So, yeah, he started off, like, just getting on with his work and things, but then he could hear me getting more and more distressed. And I was like, throwing the soap bottles in the bathroom because I couldn't get it right. And he was like, okay, Amy, you gotta calm down. You gotta, you know, take a breath and we'll do it together and, you know, we'll move on. And then without realizing, he kind of did. I don't wanna say he did it because he didn't do anything wrong. But we fell into the trap of. Of him enabling my ocd. There was one huge compulsion which involved disinfectant spray. It was classed as, like, a fabric spray. And my OCD clocked it when we were shopping one day. And I was like, oh, yeah, that would be great. Freshen up the furniture and things like that. But, yeah, that became a really, really sticky compulsion. And I had to spray, like, my body with it before I got dressed and after putting on each item of clothing. And that was what would really get me distressed if I didn't spray myself perfectly or if the end of the bottle hit my wrist or something. So then he started doing the sprays for me. And at this point, we didn't recognize or realize that that was a trap again, an OCD trap of involving loved ones and getting them to do things. Oh, if they do it, then it's easier. But then if they don't do it, you get really distressed and angry at them, and that's not fair on them. So, yeah, we. We did get into that for quite some time. And it was. It did end up him basically working full time from home, and he did essentially become my carer because I couldn't feed myself, I couldn't get myself drinks, I couldn't dress myself, I couldn't shower. And I think the very worst day, it took me nine hours just to get into the shower. And obviously by then, it's time to get back in your pajamas and go to bed. That was. That was my day for a really long time. And during that time, I was in treatment as well. I've kind of gone off track a little bit, but. So, yeah, he. I'm gonna backtrack a little bit. So. So my husband did some research. He realized that I needed an exposure therapist. And I was a bit like, I don't know, like, you know, I don't want to be pumped full of meds and just left to it. I don't wanna be put on some waiting list and, you know, have to wait forever for treatment. And then he was like, no, it's fine. We'll get you private treatment. And, you know, the sooner we get this done, the better. And then again, I was still resistant because I was like, I don't, you know, I don't want to have to pay out all this money just because my brain is a bit messed up. And obviously I have ocd. Constantly talking as well, being like, you don't need help, you're fine. So, yeah, we looked into where we could get treatment, and the first place we went to was the Priory. I phoned them and I had to explain, you know, what I was doing and how long it was taking me to get things done. But as when I phoned them, I said it was taking me about an hour to get like showered and like to wash my hands and stuff. And they didn't deem that as significant enough for help. So they, they did offer me something, but it would take, because I don't drive, it would have taken me two trains to get to an appointment for an hour and then have to come all the way home. And then obviously that's an added cost on the travel, even though I live 20 minutes from a priory. But they, they didn't have anything there. Oh, I think it was that they didn't have anyone who specialized in OCD at the place that's closer to me. So I kind of thought, well, I'm struggling to leave the house as it is. How am I going to get two trains to a therapist and back again? Like, it's just, it's not gonna work. So then my husband found that like, self help books that I think are recommended by doctors. So he ordered a couple of those for me, started reading them. But again, I had no clue how, how these things would work. And I. This book triggered me so much. Like, I just, I felt like I got worse from that moment because I didn't understand how to use it properly. So then my husband read it for me and he folded down the pages that he thought I needed to read. So I did that with the mindset of, okay, if I read this book, I'll be better, which is obviously not the case. But I'm also someone who does need guidance and needs to. I learn better by doing things practically rather than from reading a book. Yeah. So I was just like, these books aren't helping. You know, I don't know what else to do. So we kind of left it for a little bit. I read a few things online that other people had written. And I remember reading one story. I can't remember where it was or who it was, but I just remember thinking, wow, this is really bad. I'm not gonna get that bad. Famous last words. So, yeah, that was kind of all we had at that time. And then I was watching one of my favorite TV shows and Shiva was on it, it was the Kardashians. And I was like, huh? Because her title came up as Exposure Therapist. And I knew that was what I needed and I thought, oh, okay. So I typed her name into Google and I think I just went straight to her Instagram and I was reading everything on her page and I was like, yes, this is perfect. And from there I found the whole online community for ocd. You know, professionals, advocates, lived experiences. And I Was like, oh, my God. There's a whole community of people that fully understand what I'm going through and have been through it themselves or have done extensive education to be able to treat people with this. So, I know Shiva got a lot of flack for doing that TV show, but to me, it was the best thing she could have done because I was able to find a therapist through everyone online. And, you know, I've been with that therapist now for coming up to six years. And, yeah, I'm just. I'm so grateful for Shiva doing that in. Because it. I don't know where I would be if I wasn't watching that TV show and if she didn't put herself out there. And, yeah, so, yeah, forever grateful to Shiva for doing that. Yeah, I was. I think I did get a little bit compulsive reading, like, everyone's posts online on Instagram and things, and there were times where I just didn't want to go bed and move, and I was just scrolling on my phone. So, yeah, I said to my husband, look, I think I've managed to find a therapist online that is able to help me. I think I should contact them and say, look, this is what I'm going through. Do you think you can help me? So I did that, and it was really hard to just do that in itself. And I thought, you know, it's an online thing. They're probably not going to get back to me anyway. And, yeah, like, literally, I think it was like, two days later they got back to me. It was super professional. And they were like, oh, yeah, we can definitely help you out. Here's our scope of therapists and their fees and everything. So I had to calculate, obviously, the help I needed versus, like, our financial situation. So I was never going to be able to get the top dog. So, yeah, I was like, okay, I know that I definitely want a female, because rocd was all in my head. And, yeah, so I was like, I need a female. This is the budget we have. And then she was like, okay, great, we can. You know, I think this therapist will be a great fit for you. And it was the one therapist that my OCD did not want at all. I can't remember why, but I just remember thinking, not her, anyone, but not her. So, yeah, and I think I left it a couple of days, and then I got stuck into another cycle, and I was like, right, that's it. I've had enough. I emailed, I was like, yes, please book me in. I need help. And then they set it all up for me. I had an email from the therapist giving me a few time slots to choose from. So I chose. And then they are based in America so that we had to work out like the time difference and stuff. But it worked out really well. Their time versus our time. Yeah, it was, it was a good timing. I can't remember what the word is, but yeah, it worked out nice. And then I think it was the day before the first session, I was freaking out and I was like, can't do it, not doing it. I don't need to do it, I'm fine. And then I think, what was it? Throughout the day, I kind of flipped and flopped between, yes, I need this, no, I don't. It's too, I'm not ready, I can't do it. I hadn't even filled out the proper intake forms that I was sent either because, you know, some of those questions on there, I was like, I am not filling this out and sending it to someone. I don't know. It was, it was just way too scary. So I did fill out what I could, but I think once it got to the intrusive thoughts, I was like, I don't know this person. Like, I'm just, I don't know if I can do it. And despite having like vetted each therapist at this clinic and knowing that they were fully trained, qualified and everything, still obviously wasn't good enough for my OCD. And then that night, I think it was about 3 o' clock in the morning, I was typing out an email to the therapist saying, I'm really sorry, I can't do it. I know I'm like outside of the 24 hour period, so, you know, go ahead and still charge, but I just, I'm not ready. I can't do it. And then I thought again before I pressed send, I thought, well, I haven't filled out the forms properly, so they might not even call me anyway. So luckily I didn't send that email. And I was just like, right, if they call, they call. If they don't, they don't. But they did call, thank God. So, yeah, and then we kind of. The first session was like, I was complete mess. I was like shaky and I think I was like spinning on the office chair back and forth and I was like, didn't know what to do with myself. The lighting was so super bad for a video call. But yeah, it was a gentle ease into the start of therapy. Just like, you know, checking my personal details. And then she just explained how things would go and Then, yeah, we carried on weekly from there. But the first few weeks, I had to do, like, a log thing, like, my thoughts and compulsions and what subscale they put me at. And there was also a book I had to read. I can't remember what it was. She would kill me if I don't know. But I do remember reading that book. And it was triggering. But I was. Again, at this point, I was still, like, kind of flipping and flopping. Sometimes it seems really, really bad. Sometimes it was like, why am I even doing this? I'm fine. And then, yeah, I think it was like the first maybe four or five weeks. It was a lot of education explaining how my brain was working and why I found certain things so distressing and what my brain was doing. And during that time, I was steadily getting worse and worse. And even though we had started doing, like, small exposures, like finishing a glass of water and not just leaving a sip, but I think at this point I was, you know, I couldn't get myself in the shower. I can dress, and I wasn't eating and things like that. And so we slowly upped the amount of sessions. And each time she was trying to get me to go on medication. And I was adamant. I think it was one of the first things I said. I was like, I'm not having medication. I'm doing this without. I'm going to do it on my own. Like, I don't need meds. And then she was like, okay, but, you know, just put it in your back pocket. Remember, that is an option. And, you know, obviously she couldn't force me to do it. So I was like, no, I can do it myself. I just gotta get my head together. And then, yeah, so we slowly. I was saying to my husband, I was like, that I think I really need the consistency of a daily session so that she can help me get my daily, like, just the consistency of relearning how to live again. So we thought about it because we knew how expensive it was going to be. And then I mentioned it to my therapist, who then had to check in with her boss. And then they said, because I think I initially proposed, like, can I just have two weeks of consistent everyday therapy? But they said, ideally it needs to be a minimum of four weeks. So I was like, okay, yeah, we'll do the four weeks. But then there was also. I call it a soft ultimatum, because I was. I was told that we can do it like this, but if you haven't improved by or significantly improved by the end of it, we are going to need you to take medication, which I thought was very fair. They weren't just, like, you know, taking me for a ride and just getting money out of me. They knew I needed more. So I was like, okay, fine, deal. If I'm not, you know, significantly improved by then, I will contact my DP and get medication. So during these four weeks, it was hard, it was tiring, it was exhausting, but it was definitely what I needed. And by the end of it, I had improved, but not enough to carry on without medication. And it was gonna be. It was gonna take a really, really long time just to do it with therapy alone. So contacted my gp, got the medication, and I started on. I think it was 50 milligrams of citrulline. So I started taking that, and that made me feel quite rough for probably a couple of weeks. But everything did settle down. And I noticed that actually the medication had cleared quite a lot of space in my brain for me to be able to hold on to the skills that I was learning in therapy, like, you know, breathing exercises and what's it called, pa, I think it was, and the importance of meditation and delaying tactics and things like that, which I just didn't have the space for before. And so we agreed that we would. I would continue on five sessions a week until my body had adjusted to the medication because I needed to get also to a dose of the medication that was a good fit for me. So I gradually increased. I think it went from 50 to 100 and then 125 to then 150, which is what I'm currently on. But with each increase in dose, there was a fight with my therapist. And I was like, no, I don't need any more. I don't need. It increased like, I'm fine. There's just, like, so much denial going on. And, yeah, so we got to the point of 150, and that's where I have been stable for quite some time now, I think. I. I've been on that for about two years. But, yeah, once the medication had kicked in, I was able to do things faster and. Do the basics of daily life. But everything I was doing came with an exposure. So there was, you know, just like. Like I said before, like, showering, washing my hair and brushing my hair and putting moisturizer on, and, yeah, just everything came with an exposure. So my life was just one big exposure. You know, I'd withdrawn from my friends and family. I wouldn't communicate with them, and they all knew something was wrong because it wasn't me, wasn't me to ignore people. And I did feel guilty, but, you know, there were days where I wouldn't even touch my phone because my hands were contaminated or my phone was contaminated and I just couldn't be bothered with the compulsions that came with it. And then I would worry that I would say the wrong thing or upset someone. So, yeah, there was. I had to get myself, I had to understand everything myself before I could explain it to others. But it was one of the really important things to me that I did open up and explain what I'd been through with my closest friends and my family. So I think it was about nine months into treatment I was ready to talk about it and I did two separate phone calls with one with my group of friends and then one with my family. I think it was just like my siblings and their partners. So I explained everything and I tried to make it a little bit light hearted as well because it is really intense for me when you say, like, oh, yeah, I couldn't like, you know, even wash myself or I couldn't get myself to the bathroom on time. To have a week is, yeah, when you, when you know someone to be really like bright and bubbly and up for anything, to then just become a complete empty shell. I think it's a lot for others to hear and to take on. But I also find comfort in humor as well. And that's one of the things me and my therapist use in our sessions is quite a lot of humor. There's quite a lot of sarcasm. You know, we kind of joke around with each other and it's how I function, it's how I work. And I'm glad that she gets that, she understands that and I think she kind of works like that in her personal life as well. Not that I know much about her personal life, but yeah, it's. Yeah, there's a. There's different ways of saying things to different people as well. Like with my friends, I think I was a lot more open about the thoughts and everything than I was with my family. I found my family way more intense to tell. And then I think my family found it hard as well to treat me the same as they always had. Like they were. You could tell that they were treading on eggshells around me or I know that they said a few times to my mum, oh, we didn't want to rock the boat as such, so we didn't want to get her involved and stuff. And that really annoyed me. So I just sent a message And I was like, look, guys, I've told you before, I'm telling you again, you have to treat me as you always have done. You know, you're not gonna break me. I've already been broken, as you know, even if I do break, I build myself back up again, it's fine. But at the same time, by treating me normally, that helps me get better. So if you're gonna constantly treat me like I'm about to break, that tells my brain that I'm not strong enough. I'm not, you know, gonna be able to do things that I used to be able to do. So they did slowly get around to it. And I think even now, sometimes it makes me laugh because I went. I think it was my sister's house. We went round and it was on Christmas Eve, and she said to me, oh, I've cleaned down all the surfaces where food's gonna be, and so you don't have to worry about that. And in my head, like, I politely smiled and was like, thank you. But in my head, I was like, I'm not worried about the surfaces at all. I'm worried about that set of knives that are really, like, accessible to me and anyone else. I could just grab one. It was Christmas Eve and we had, like five year olds around, so I didn't want to say anything, but in my head, I just thought it was funny. And I think as well, that just goes to show how misconceived OCD is in the wider world. And even when you have tried to explain it to those closest to you, it's still not fully understood. And I think. I think if you haven't experienced it yourself or you haven't witnessed it yourself, it's really, really hard. It's a really hard disorder to understand. So, yeah, sometimes I just laugh it off, and other times I'm like, I go into full education mode. But, yeah, it's. Yeah, some things like that just do make me laugh, and other times I get frustrated with it. So, yeah, all of my compulsions, you know, they involved, you know, the way I walked, the way I moved, why ate, how I ate and how I showered, using the toilet and washing my hands, where I sat, where I stood. You know, there was only certain safe places where I could be within my own house. You know, the way I did the laundry. And this phrase that me and my husband had to kind of combat together because unfortunately, OCD had involved him in that one. Communicating with others, you know, going out in public, eating out in public, all of this. So that I could. Every single one of these compulsions I had to do an exposure for. And it was definitely exhausting. Like, I had to learn to go outside again. I had to learn to walk around. You know, my mum lives literally a couple of streets over and had to learn to, like, walk to hers with my husband. Like, even now, I do. I do worry about going out on my own, and that is something that I need to work on. But doing all of these little exposures, and I'm just going to fast forward to now, because all of those little exposures have now enabled me to be able to go on holidays, go to my favorite places of the world, do the things that bring me joy, hug my friends and family, hold my friends and my family's babies, like nephews and nieces. And everything that OCD had taken me away from, which was devastating to me, I had to work on, you know, time and time and time again until my brain got it. Like, you know, there was a point where I couldn't even wrap Christmas gifts for people. My husband had to do it for me, which was not to his. I chosen really glittery Christmas paper. He just got covered in glitter, which he absolutely hates. And then. Yeah, so I'm able to do that now. I organize family events. I organize Easter egg hunts for the kids of the family and the adults. Like, I make sure it involves everyone. And I just. I get so much joy from watching others have joy, and I'm able to provide that for them. And they say to me, like, oh, but you do it all the time. You know, you don't want to stress yourself out, blah, blah, blah. And I was like, no, this brings me joy. I love to organize these things and do these things and able to do it now. So go away and let me do it. You know, I can go to hospital appointments. Like, during this whole time, I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease, so I've had to have invasive treatments for that and go to hospital appointments. And so, yeah, the dentist and everything like that. I still find challenges with everything I do, but it's. It's more of I'm living with OCD rather than for ocd. OCD is with me, with whatever I do. It comes with me everywhere. It comes on vacations with us, and it comes to family events with us. It comes to birthday parties and everything else, but it's just me taking charge of that. Okay, yeah, OCD is going to really, like, mess with me if I do this, but that's okay because I really want to do this I'm going to go with my value, and that is going to the cinema or going to see my friends or traveling somewhere. And yeah, sometimes I do have to call my therapist up for an extra session, but that's living with ocd. So, yeah, I can dress myself, I can shower, I use the toilet. Normally I bake, and I share them with friends, family, children. But OCD is always chattering at me. But, yeah, you just have to carry on and do what you value and put your values first, and that's how you get your life back. It's hard. It's difficult. There's a lot of tears and there's a lot of panic attacks. I remember my therapist, I would say to my therapist, like, oh, but I don't want to do this because I know I'll have a panic attack. And then she would say, I'm okay with you having a panic attack. And I'll be like, okay, rude. But she's right. You know, a panic attack isn't going to hurt you. Yeah, is. You know, it's 20 minutes of your day maximum. You'll be exhausted from it. But you would have kicked OCD in the face and you would have. You would feel a lot stronger after that. Maybe not straight away, and maybe you have to do it a few times over. And by a few times, I mean, like, maybe even hundreds of times. But as long as you do it and if it upsets you, then I see it as. That it's working. Yeah, yeah, that they are. That's kind of the gist of my story, anyway.