The OCD Stories – Episode 486: Stephen D'Intino (Existential OCD, Detrimental Psychedelics Experience, Trauma)

Date: May 18, 2025
Host: Stuart Ralph
Guest: Stephen D’Intino

Overview

In this powerful and candid episode of The OCD Stories, Stuart Ralph speaks with Stephen D’Intino, who shares his lifelong journey with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), focusing particularly on existential OCD themes, the fallout from a detrimental psychedelics experience, and the impact of trauma. Stephen discusses how OCD has shaped his early years, relationships, work life, and recovery, and offers lessons learned through therapy, personal growth, and community support.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Early OCD Experiences and School Years

• Stephen’s earliest memories: OCD symptoms began around 8 years old, triggered by his grandfather’s death.
• First compulsions: Difficulty with reading comprehension led to rituals like repeatedly rereading text.
• Compulsions evolved to rituals for anxiety reduction—e.g. switching bathroom lights off at the same moment as swinging the door, otherwise, fearing a day full of embarrassment (01:51).
• School challenges: Teased by classmates for reading difficulties. Rituals took up increasingly more time as he grew older.

2. OCD Impact on Work and Self-Esteem

• Career as a mechanic: From age 17, but persistent self-doubt and the relentless need to outperform others.
• OCD-driven perfectionism: "I'd always feel like I wasn't good enough. I'd always feel like I'd have to go above and beyond." (06:18)
• Work burnout: Ultimately, moving away in hopes of escaping anxiety; only a temporary fix.
• Gradual decline in ability to function at work, ultimately leading to incapacitation and the realization that he needed help.

3. Diagnosis and Initial Therapy

• Diagnosis: First heard the term OCD from a therapist in 2019 after work challenges culminated. Initially trivialized the diagnosis (“just a couple of light switches and stuff like that”, 08:54), overwhelmed with shame and misunderstanding.
• Started talk therapy and medication before the pandemic.

4. Existential OCD and Trauma

• Triggering event: The death of Stephen’s brother-in-law due to a preventable medical error in 2020 during COVID heightened his distrust of the medical system.
• Existential OCD emerges: “It brought a whole new element to the OCD, like the existential part… it was really strong, it was overwhelming” (10:30).
• Regret over stopping medication: Due to trauma and distrust, he tapered off meds and, in hindsight, calls it "probably one of the steps that I regret the most in my life for sure" (11:11).

5. Psychedelics Experience and Crisis Point

• Attempt at self-medication: Tried to replace medication with psychedelics “on my own. Bad idea. Don’t do that.” (12:08)
• Catastrophic trip: Took a high (“heroic”) dose, resulting in a crisis—ran down the street naked in minus 30°C, police saved his life, and he ended up hospitalized (12:36).
• Hospitalization: Led to realization of hitting rock bottom.

6. Breaking Point: Agoraphobia, Derealization, Hospitalization

• Severe derealization and panic, “like, my wife that was lying right next to me wasn’t really there. I panicked... realized I wasn’t properly in control of myself” (13:47).
• Developed intense agoraphobia after hospitalization, unable to leave the house or use the bathroom without fear (“felt like if I close the door and then open it up again, like, the world wouldn’t be there” 15:10).

7. Recovery Through Community and Therapy

• Chrissy Hodges & Community: Discovered OCD advocate Chrissy Hodges on YouTube. “I didn’t know that OCD entailed all those things. So it kind of gave a starting point for therapy” (15:19).
• Therapy progress: With psychotherapist Cheryl, began with exposure and response prevention (ERP), including uncomfortable tasks (“walking around in public with my shirt inside out or me painting my nails” 16:00).
• PTSD and Trauma Work: Focused next on processing trauma—both from psychedelic experience and losses.
• Importance of boundaries: “Doing things more on your own terms and not worrying so much about what other people think of you" (18:13).
• Support from NOCD app: Praised its community and SOS function, which helped reduce feelings of loneliness: “When I'm having a bad day, there can be having a good day and they'd be able to… give me a little bit of… you kind of get that a little bit from, from the other users” (20:53).

8. Work, Coaching, and Meaningful Change

• Running his own business: Opened a mobile tire service and found joy connecting with customers (“it doesn’t feel as much like work, it feels more like I’m connecting with new people every single day” 27:36).
• Coaching: Volunteered as his son’s peewee hockey coach, learning to accept that “not everybody’s going to be happy with you” and practicing boundaries (17:20).

9. Relationships and Family Life

• Marriage: Married young; OCD and perfectionism affected decision-making, most painfully during episodes involving psychedelics and traumatic times (29:51).
• Parenting: Overthinking during his son’s infancy led to missing out on important moments; was able to enjoy those moments more with his daughter years later. Emphasized honesty with his kids about his struggles: “He could see through my... He called me out on it... I chose the path of honesty with my son” (32:53).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Trying To Escape OCD:
  “That whole moving away the couple hours made me think of that quote 'wherever you go, there you are'. You know, like, you can't run from your brain.” — Stuart Ralph (23:30)

• On Medication and Psychedelics Regret:
  “I tried to substitute that medication with psychedelics on my own. Bad idea. Don’t do that, you know.” — Stephen (12:08)

• On Discovering OCD Community:
  “Meeting people who were like me… always felt like, you know, I’m the only one in the world and stuff like that... when you meet other people… there’s always some similarities” — Stephen (19:28)

• Words of Hope:
  “To be your most authentic self, true self, you have to be honest with yourself in the good and in the bad. It’s not always comfortable… but the reward in the end is worth it because it does ease anxiety.” — Stephen (34:42)

• Advice to Younger Self:
  "Take the time to smell the roses and, you know, don't take life so seriously either, you know.” — Stephen (35:47)

• On Support:
  “It does get better as long as you’re willing to put in the work... don't be afraid sometimes to rely on a support circle that you can make with friends or with family... I'd be lying if I said I was able to go this alone.” — Stephen (36:22)

Important Timestamps

• 01:51 – Stephen’s first OCD memories and rituals begin as a child
• 06:18 – OCD’s impact on his work life and self-worth
• 08:54 – Diagnosis and initial misunderstanding of OCD
• 10:30 – Existential OCD emerges after traumatic loss
• 12:08 – Attempts to self-medicate with psychedelics
• 12:36 – Crisis point: bad trip, police, hospitalization
• 13:47 – Derealization and agoraphobia
• 15:19 – Discovering Chrissy Hodges and the importance of OCD accurate information
• 16:00 – Starting ERP therapy and boundary work
• 17:20 – Business and boundary gains, coaching his son’s hockey team
• 20:53 – Support from NOCD app and the reduction of isolation
• 23:30 – Insight on avoiding the “run away” solution
• 27:36 – How existential OCD reshaped his career approach
• 29:51 – OCD and family/marriage
• 32:53 – Being honest with his kids about his struggles
• 34:42 – Words of hope
• 35:47 – Advice to his 20-year-old self
• 36:22 – Billboard message: “It does get better as long as you’re willing to put in the work.”

Final Notes & Takeaways

• Stephen’s story is a testament to the complex, evolving nature of OCD: starting with childhood compulsions, morphing into existential anxiety, and culminating in experiences with trauma and risky attempts at self-medication.
• His path to healing included acknowledging the need for help, educated, trauma-informed therapy, finding community, and building boundaries.
• The episode is rich with hope, emphasizing self-honesty, the importance of support networks, and the possibility of transformation.
• Stephen’s final hope: “If one of your listeners gets that from my story, then I’m really happy with that.” (37:38)

For more stories, resources, and support, visit The OCD Stories.