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The OCD Stories
Story: Stephen D'Intino (existential OCD, a detrimental psychedelics experience, trauma) (#486)
00:39:16
In episode 486 I chat with Stephen who has kindly agreed to share his OCD story with us. We discuss his story, his early memories, how OCD affected his work, existential themed OCD, medication, a detrimental psychedelics experience, religious...
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- [00:00]
A
You're listening to the OCD Stories podcast hosted by me, Stuart Ralph. The OCD Stories is a podcast dedicated to raising awareness and understanding around obsessive compulsive symptoms. I do this through interviewing inspired therapists, psychologists and people who have experienced OCD. Welcome to the OCD stories and welcome to episode 486 of the podcast. And in this one I chat with Stephen who has kindly agreed to share his OCD story with us. In particular, we talk about his early memories, how OCD affected his work, existential themed OCD medication, a detrimental psychedelics experience, religious scrupulosity, derealization, getting admitted to a psychiatric ward, therapy, agoraphobia boundaries, trauma work and much more. OCD can feel overwhelming, but help is closer than you think. NOCD provides expert led evidence based therapy for children and adults affected by ocd. With convenient online therapy from licensed specialized therapists and real time support between sessions, NOCD makes getting the right treatment easier than ever. Start your journey today@nocd.com or the link will be in the episode description. So thank you to Steven for his time. It's great hearing his story and I appreciate him sharing it. And of course thank you to you guys for listening. As always, it means a lot. Appreciate approaching episode 500, which is, yeah, weird to say, but I appreciate all the support over the years or if you're a recent listener, thank you for listening. Without further ado, here is Stephen. Welcome to the podcast, Stephen.
- [01:40]
B
Oh, thank you very much.
- [01:42]
A
Yeah, thanks for having me. No worries. So I'd love to hear your OCD story and you can share that now in as little as much detail as you want to give.
- [01:52]
B
Yes, absolutely. So my story, I would say unbeknownst to me, started around the age of eight. There was a little bit of a, like a, a hard event that happened. My, my grandfather had passed away around that time and it was around that time where I started to really struggle in school in terms of, with reading. Like I'd be reading and I would feel like I wasn't understanding anything. So I just go back and reread and reread and reread. So like things are very slow and not to mention when you'd be asked to read aloud in front of the class, like you get made fun of as, as I got older, like it started to become a real problem because just became a real butt of a joke unfortunately. But that's how things go sometimes at school. So in regards to anxiety at school, like I, I, to alleviate it, I started out with these little like rituals in private that I had done for years involving like, let's say one of them would be you open the door to the washroom and when you're leaving you have to close the lights but swing the door at the same time. And if the door would touch my arm before the lights were off, like, then I'd have an embarrassing day or an embarrassing moment, something that I would regret during the day. So that's kind of how it started. And as it progressed, like the conditions worsened, like they would, there would be other conditions. Like I'd have to not only accomplish the compulsion, but I'd also have to hold like that success, like an image of that success on that day in my head. And if I wasn't able to get that image in my head, then it would also be a bad day anyways. So that those kind of things kind of got me through school. You know, I became pretty good at the compulsions. And things would take me like for example, going to take a shower would take me longer than usual as a result of them, which kind of caused me a little bit of trouble with my parents and stuff like that. But then things kind of, you know, evolved a little bit as I got into the workforce. As a little background I'm, I got into, I became a mechanic after high school. I love cars. But the issue was that, you know, because OCD makes you doubt everything, it makes me doubt my abilities. And still today, like after all the experience, you know, like I started when I was 17, I'm now 35, and I still experience tons of doubt in terms of my abilities and knowledge and, and stuff like that. So it started to really weigh on me. Like I'd always feel like I wasn't good enough. I'd always feel like I'd have to go above and beyond. So like I'd be pushing myself to work faster than others to really try to stand out. And sometimes like you get instances where, you know, they'd hire a new tech and that tech was amazing. And I really would internalize that and say, like, oh man, I'll never be as good. So it forced me around the 10 year mark. I started to really struggle with that. So I, I kind of was looking for a way out. My solution was to run away. And so I, I did just that. I, I, I, I moved towns. I, I, you know, moved to the Ottawa region of, of Canada, about two, two hours away from where I was. I was in Montreal originally. But like, it was a very, very temporary solution. And once I did that initial Jump of leaving my job. Because of those feelings, I just started to really snowball. I was having trouble to go to going to work for the, like, the first time. Like, I was always an eerily riser. I'd always stay late to try to be the best of the best. And then I started to really struggle going to work, going to, you know, accomplishing my tasks at work and feeling good. Like, it was constantly anxious, constantly feeling like I wasn't good enough or I was going to be fired or whatever. So, yeah, like, it started getting to the point where it's tough to get out of bed. Like, I was having trouble getting out of bed for the first time in my life. And. Yeah, and then it's. It's weird because it kind of starts off. It starts off a thought process that, like, if you need a day off from work, right? Like, then you start to feel guilty, and I just mope around on the couch all day sort of thing. And then when it come time to go to work the next day, then it would get even more awkward because you'd feel guilty that you. You took the day off. And, like, my OCD would always tell me that, you know, it wasn't a good enough reason to take it off and stuff like that. Like, I didn't have a. A really good grasp of what was going on. I didn't know about the OCD until 2019, which is when I was seriously struggling to go to work, you know, because, like, you know, the thing is that, like, I was always going through the old pattern sort of thing. Like, when I'd get to work, I'd give it my all and I'd burn myself out. And my last push was in 2019. I decided to do, like, a little bit of a career shift where I moved from the mechanical side to getting into body work. And within 10 months, like, I went into a field that I never worked in before, and I became the head painter, which was great, but I didn't last very long. It was maybe like a week or two after getting that position that, like, I was just totally incapacitated, not able to. Not able to do anything. So it was at that point that I had to admit to myself that I needed to take a break and reassess. So I got into therapy. It was just. It was just talk therapy at the time. And I was diagnosed with OCD at that time. I didn't know what it was, really. I didn't know, first of all, like, I didn't give it much thought to tell you the Truth, like I, I didn't know what it was and I, it, like I just kind of trivialized it saying, ah, it's not a big deal, whatever, you know, it's, you know, a couple light switches and stuff like that, you know, like that's the way I was kind of looking for it. And looking back, it was, I, I was, I was ashamed of myself for no good reason. You know, it's just a different, like people with ocd, it's just a kind of different way of thinking. It doesn't mean that, you know, something's wrong. But at the time, like I took it, I took it that way like as a, as a kind of shame, which I definitely regret for sure now that I know what I know. So that took me down a interesting path. Like I was on, was on medication and at about a year mark, as I was still kind of struggling. And then the pandemic hit too, I started to struggle with being on my medication. I started to get second thoughts. And the reason why I got second thoughts is in 2020, during the height of the pandemic, my brother in law had passed away due to a medical error which was totally preventable. And I was front row center for it. And it wasn't easy because of all the protocols we had here in Canada and stuff like that. But like, I just, I don't know, like I, I started to question everything. So it brought a whole new element to the ocd, like the existential part of the ocd. My brother in law and I were very similar in age and you know, to see him, you know, walk into the hospital and not walk out was shocking, especially in the state that his body was in. But, but yeah, anyway, so as a result of that, my, this new existential kind of theme was crazy. Like it really, really, it was really strong. It was overwhelming. I didn't know what to do. Like I started to be convinced that my medication wasn't a good idea. And so because I started to distrust our medical system, which unfortunately is, it's, it's probably one of the steps that I regret the most in my life for sure. So I, I tapered off my medication because I was afraid of, you know, going into seizure or anything like that. I did taper off. But you know, when I was off I thought I was thinking clearly and I wasn't. And I tried to substitute that medication with psychedelics on my own. Bad idea. Don't do that, you know. So, yeah, I, I had one experience with psychedelics and I did a heroic dose of it, which I don't think the word heroic is proper. Um, it was a. It was very challenging and nothing like I expected. It was, it was insane. What, what, what kind of happened? Um, so, yeah, within an hour, we had the coldest night of the year. Um, it was like minus 30 degrees here and I took it around 7 o' clock and by, I would say, 8 o', clock, I was running down the street with. Without clothes. Yeah, it was bad. So I kind of got. The police came, which thank God, because they pretty much saved my life and they got me to the hospital. There was no charges, which I was happy about. Um, but yeah, so that was rock bottom for me. Um, you know, shortly following that, like, that was like, where I went through a, like a serious mental breakdown. Like, I, I woke up in the middle of the night. You know, I started to feel a new, like, on top of existential. Like, it was like religious scrupulosity as well. Like, and I didn't know what the heck was happening with me because again, I didn't think that this was. I didn't even cross my mind that this could be like OCD or anything like that. Even though I was diagnosed with it. I just didn't. Didn't connect the two dots sort of thing. So, yeah, I, I woke up in the middle of night. I had a big bout of like, derealization. I felt like really like my wife that was lying right next to me wasn't really there. I panicked, you know, and then I realized, like, I wasn't properly in control of myself. So I decided, like, let's go to the hospital, let's see what's going on. And ended up being put in the psych ward, which was an eye opening experience because I knew that's not somewhere I wanted to be. And so I had to start confronting what I really am struggling with and get the help that I actually need. So I got back into therapy and I started to. Well, actually, there's one little part that I'm missing out which was a pretty pivotal part, which was while I was waiting, like, it was about three weeks before I was able to see a proper therapist consistently. And during that time, like, I was, I was agoraphobic. I was afraid to, you know, leave the house. I was afraid to even use the washroom. Like, I felt like if I close the door and then open it up again, like, the world wouldn't be there. So all that to say is I was desperate. I was looking on the Internet for, you know, people who struggle with mental, mental illness and stuff like that. And I stumbled across Chrissy Hodges her page. And Chrissy was like, I was watching her, her videos and I, it, it blew my mind because I didn't know that OCD had entailed all those things. So it kind of gave a starting point for, for therapy. And so originally I was doing talk therapy, but I was trying my best to, to find a proper, like, psychotherapist. And I, and I, and I found her, I started working with her last year and things have, things have gone very, very well in terms of understanding, understanding ocd and also like, what, what, what certain thoughts are caused by OCD or, you know, like, I, I, I never was in a position where I could process my thoughts and, and learn so much about myself. So yeah, you know, thanks to, thanks to Cheryl, she was able to really, like, dig in. We did a lot of, like, we started with some erp, which was, which was good and it was difficult, like, you know, walking around in public with like my, my shirt inside out or me painting my nails. It's something that I made me very uncomfortable. But I, I, I was doing it because I knew that's, that's something that I had to learn in terms of the fact that like, everything I did was, was to like, I struggle a lot with, with, you know, magical thinking and thinking that, or mind reading, I should say, sorry, that like, like I, I'm always concerned about what other people think of me and stuff like that. And so that kind of erp was a little bit of a good, you know, base point to try to, you know, get me more comfortable in those uncomfortable situations and more like just, just to learn how to sit with those feelings, you know what I mean, and accept them. And then we got to work on some, you know, PTSD stuff because, you know, psycho psychedelics also, like, yeah, in that, in that kind of framework, like, really, really can cause a good deal of trauma for sure. It forces you to confront a lot of harsh realities about yourself. And, and yeah, it was, it was definitely one of the most scary incidents in my life. But, you know, thanks to my work with Cheryl, like, it kind of, you know, got me back on my feet. I find myself, you know, challenging myself again and accepting a lot more about myself and how I think, you know. And like, one of the best challenges that I just went through is so I took my son's hockey team to coach. And it's not always easy to make people happy or, you know, get through coaching a pee wee hockey team without having you know, judgment or, you know, negative input about, you know, things that you're doing. And we had no shortage of that this year. But I was able to really kind of prove to myself that I was able to deal with it, you know, and on top of that, thanks to Cheryl as well, like, I've been able to be back at work. I started my own business in the last two years and, you know, it's doing very well. Like, I've learned a lot about boundaries. Boundaries is a big, big thing for, for, for ocd, I would say, you know, like doing things more on your own terms and not worrying so much about what other people's think other people think of you. You know, like, it's. It's hard to accept the fact that not everybody's going to be happy with you, you know, and, you know, it's. It was, it was just a great experience between those two. Those two things. Like, it really got me back on my feet, got me back to society. You know, I was very antisocial during the, the pandemic, and I'm really, really happy and astounded at how far it can actually come just by, you know, telling yourself quite a few hard truths, you know. You know, it's not always easy. And you know, with, with Chrissy Hodges, like, what I found helped me a lot was she runs these support groups and meeting people who were like me, you know, was. Was a little bit weird because, like, I always felt like, you know, oh man, like you're. I'm the only one in the world and stuff like that is like this. And when you meet other people who are struggling, maybe not exactly the same way, but there's always some similarities between, you know, my story and, and. And somebody else's who, who's going through this. And it was, it was just a real, you know, a good vibe. It felt great to be able to talk about it with. With others, you know, as well as the nocd app as well. Like that. That got me through a lot at the beginning of my therapy for sure, because, you know, when you start therapy, it kind of brings up a lot, you know, and you have tough weeks and, and stuff like that. So just the fact that they have an SOS function, My lord, like that, that really, really, really kind of diffuses a little bit of the situation. And like, you know, it's not always. Not always perfect, but for me, like, it was a really good tool for me. And it was also really good to keep in perspective with the chats that, you know, there are Other people. And there are. Are other people that when I'm having a bad day, there can be having a good day and they'd be able to, you know, maybe give me a little bit of. I know we shouldn't be seeking reassurance, but, you know, like, you kind of get that. Yeah, you kind of get that a little bit from, from the other users, at least you. The feeling of loneliness and isolation, which really goes hand in hand with the ocd, you know, kind of gets diffused when, when you're on the app, for sure.
- [23:22]
A
Yeah, really good point. And thank you for sharing. What helped. Yeah. What a journey he went on.
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B
Yeah, yeah.
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A
That whole moving away the couple hours made me think of that quote of wherever you go, there you are. You know, like you can't run from your brain.
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B
Yeah, absolutely. You know, like, it's, it's just as you grow up sort of thing, like, you start to realize that band aid fixes are not, you know, the right way to go. You know, you go to the source, it's not comfortable, it's not fun. But in the end, the rewards are there. You know yourself. You know yourself. And what I thought was myself was, was what other people wanted me to be. You know what I mean? So, like, this journey, if there's one thing that I can say was like the biggest positive was, you know, to, to start. It started to show me a path of, of living my most genuine self. And I find myself not needing to talk as much when in, you know, public settings or, or whatever like that. You know what I mean? Like, I find myself listening to other people more when they, when they speak throughout this journey, which is great, you know, in terms of understanding, you know, and, and, you know, just keeping things calm and, and engaging in what you want to engage with and staying away from subjects that you don't want to engage with in a very diplomatic way.
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A
Yeah, yeah, good. Yeah, good, good learning and congrats on the business.
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B
Thank you.
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A
Obviously shows you've got that level of headspace as well now that you can do that and grow it and with, with your therapist. Did you work on the existential ocd?
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B
The existential, that's, that's a work in progress.
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A
Okay.
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B
You know, right now in terms of, we're kind of at the stage of doing, you know, trauma work. So as I was telling you about my brother in law, like, that's pretty much on the agenda to start working on.
- [25:48]
A
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry if you're lost there. And it makes sense why, why it triggered existential ocd, like you explained. Um, and yeah, it might be beneficial to work through that trauma first before trying exposure on it. If it's fueled by the trauma, you know, it might be hard work just doing the exposure.
- [26:11]
B
Oh, absolutely. You know, like, it, it just, it just kind of made me think because, you know, like I said, we were close in age and there were two other of my friends who also passed away suddenly during those, during those times. And it just, just made you think about, you know, why. Why go through the standard kind of, you know, life path that, you know, society wants you to go through when, you know, at 30 or 33 years old, you are dead and you have nothing to, you know. You know, that was the kind of question that was coming up.
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A
And.
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B
Because, you know, when you're fully subscribed to that kind of way of life, really put a big, like, stake in it, right? Saying, like, oh, wait a minute, but what about this? And then, you know, there you go.
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A
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So do you think that the existential side of things has helped you move on in business and like, take the risk of starting your own business? And.
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B
Yes, I would say so. Like, like I said, like, it made me much better in a social setting and then gave me different, a different perspective as to why I'm doing it. I'm, you know, before when I would be doing my, you know, anything career wise, like, it was very money driven. And basically it's like, are we doing this just for a paycheck or are we doing this to connect with people? And because so what my business is, is it's a, it's a mobile tire business. And so I get to, I get to, you know, meet people in their comfortable setting and, you know, make it more familiar instead of, instead of just being like this faceless kind of, I don't know, like company or something like that. Like, I just get to connect with my customers. So it doesn't feel as much as work. It feels more like I'm connecting with, with new people every single day. And so, yeah, like, I've. My friend's circle has definitely gone up in, in the last couple of years for sure. And I feel it's. They're genuine connections because I take the time to just talk about anything other than cars. Like, I'll talk about anything, you know.
- [28:55]
A
Yeah, yeah, that's, that's awesome. And I guess I can edit this out if you want me to, but if there's any Canadians listening that they want to support your business and they're in Your area. Do you want to plug your business?
- [29:08]
B
Sure. The guy in the Gatineau area, which is just across from. From Ottawa. My business name is PNU sd And yeah, like, I go right to your door and change your tires. Balance, you know, you name it.
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A
Awesome. Awesome. It sounds like a good service, you know, so let me think. So you mentioned you were married, right?
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B
Yes.
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A
Yeah. How's that been? Like, I guess how. How did the ocd, if it did impact the marriage or how has your partner helped you, you know, through. Or have they had to learn how to manage OCD or not reassure or.
- [29:51]
B
Yes. So we got married pretty young. Like, I was 20, 21 years old when I got married, and I was a father at 23. And so I saw like, again, like, I didn't know I was suffering with OCD at the time, but like, yeah, like, the overthinking, the rumination, and the value I would give to other people in terms of their, Their. What they thought of me definitely impacted my decision making, which definitely was difficult for my wife to kind of support at times, especially with the. The psychedelic episode. Like, that was very hard for her. And that's where mo. Most of the regret comes from is like, I put her through that and like, I've done a lot of work to show that I'm. I'm determined to overcome and, And, And. And make up for it for sure. But it. It. I would say the biggest effect it had was when my son was born. I was 23 years old, and like, let's say he was crying. Like, I, I would always feel like I had, you know, my family members right behind me saying, why is he crying? How come you haven't stopped him from crying? You know, whatever. So, like, it was like, it was intense at that time, but luckily, like, I had a. I had my daughter a little bit later, like six years later. And so the second time around was a lot better. Like, I was. I was kind of able to tune that out. I had a little bit more experience, but unfortunately, like, because the newborn stage is so. It feels long while you're in it, but it's so quick. Like, I missed out on those. Those memories, you know, because I was just so preoccupied with doing everything perfectly, you know. So, yeah, it's. It's a little bit of a shame, but I wasn't gonna make that same mistake twice when my daughter was born. I took my time. I. I made sure to enjoy every second of it and, and, and enjoy that newborn stage and because they're never going to Be that small again. Right. And that's it. Yeah.
- [32:38]
A
Nice. Awesome. Well, I'm sure you've, you've, you're a good dad to your son as well now. It's just a tough period and you were obviously struggling at the time. There's not much you could have done about that. Yeah. What matters is you're putting in the work now. Right? So.
- [32:54]
B
Absolutely. Yeah. And just, just one, one thing is that my son, you know, he was about 8, 8 years old when I would say, like, I really started going down the tubes and you know, like, I was trying to protect him so much. But it, what, what surprised me is that, you know, even at that age, like, he could see through, for lack of a better term, he could see through my. And he could. He. He called me out on it because when I was headed to the, the hospital, I told him it was like stomach problems and he was like, no, my dad does not have stomach problems. And so, yeah, it was an eye opening experience for me. And I just chose from that, that point on. Like, I chose the path of honesty with my son and, you know, I tried to explain to him as good as I could, you know, kind of what I'm struggling with and, and how I'm dealing with it and how I'm trying to get better and stuff like that. So he's been really, really big part of my recovery, for sure. Yeah.
- [34:06]
A
That's awesome. That's awesome. Yeah. Kids. Kids are way smarter than we give them credit for. Right? They're really switched on and they're watching. But yeah, yeah, you're honest of him and also showed him that it's okay to struggle. And when you do struggle, you create a plan and you work on the plan to get out of it. And I'm no doubt that'll be inspiring for him. And if he ever comes up against anything, he'll have a roadmap himself. So. Nice. So let me think. Words of hope for anyone listening. What would you tell them?
- [34:43]
B
So in order to be your most authentic self, true self, you have to be honest with yourself in the good and in the bad. It. It's not always comfortable. In fact, most of the time it's very uncomfortable. But the reward in the end is worth it because it does ease anxiety. It does leave you that room to kind of focus on what you want next and what you want to accomplish and what you, what experiences you want to have, you know, and it also helps you kind of step out of that comfort zone that, that OCD kind of locks you into, you know, at times. So I think that, that, that's the, that's the main message. Message for sure.
- [35:38]
A
Yeah, yeah, good words. And then you've, you can pick up the phone and call 20 year old you. What'd you tell him?
- [35:48]
B
That life moves a little bit quicker than you anticipate. Take the time to smell the roses and you know, don't take life so seriously either, you know, because in the end you, you will find yourself just missing or realizing all the stuff that you, you rushed through sort of thing there.
- [36:14]
A
Yeah, that's good words. I need those at the minute. And then you got a billboard. Would you want written on that billboard?
- [36:23]
B
I would say, let's see, it was a little bit tough, but I don't know, I, I would say, you know, does get better as long as you're willing to put in the work, you know, and you know, a little PS on that would be, you know, don't be afraid sometimes to rely on a support circle that you can make with friends or with family. But you know, if you, you know, I'd be lying if I could say if I said I, I was able to go this alone. Like, I owe a lot of the progress to my, to my, my circle, you know.
- [37:09]
A
Yeah, yeah, I like that. And obviously, yeah, it was friends, family, but you also went to like Chrissy's group and met others of OCD and felt connection with them. No doubt. And support and.
- [37:22]
B
Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
- [37:25]
A
Yeah, yeah, really good point. Building that team around you and it can look different for everyone. So lastly, anything else you wish you could have said or shared today?
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B
I think I pretty much covered it. My goal today was to put in what I got out from the OCD stories and in my hardest times, listening to other people's stories and seeing their struggles and realizing that, you know, I'm not alone. If, you know, one of your listeners gets that from, from my story, then that I'm, I'm really happy with that.
- [38:09]
A
Yeah, that's awesome. Well, thank you for listening and yeah, no doubt someone, if not many people listening will have felt inspired or heard or seen by this. So thank you for sharing your story.
- [38:22]
B
Thank you very much for having me. I really appreciate it.
- [38:25]
A
Thank you for listening to this week's podcast and thank you to our patrons who helped make this episode possible. And if you would like to find out more about Patreon and the rewards and benefits, then there will be a link in the episode description. If you enjoy the OCD stories podcast and would like to support us, please subscribe and rate the show wherever you listen to the podcast. And thank you to NOCD for supporting our work. If you want to find out more about nocd, you can click the link in the episode description and quick disclaimer Guys, this podcast is not therapy. It is not a replacement for therapy. Please seek treatment from a trained professional and until we speak, take care.