158. Self-Compassion & OCD: The Secret Habit Making Your Anxiety Worse

Summary

Podcast Summary

The OCD Whisperer Podcast with Kristina Orlova

Episode 158: Self-Compassion & OCD: The Secret Habit Making Your Anxiety Worse
Date: November 12, 2025
Guest: Kimberly Quinlan, LMFT

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Episode Overview

In this insightful episode, host Kristina Orlova welcomes guest Kimberly Quinlan, a renowned therapist and author, to unravel the true meaning and transformative power of self-compassion—especially for people struggling with OCD. They dig beyond the buzzwords, exposing common misconceptions and exploring how compassion can break the cycle of anxiety and compulsion. The conversation is packed with science-based explanations, relatable stories, and practical techniques to help listeners build self-compassion as a powerful ally against OCD’s harsh self-criticism.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

What Self-Compassion Really Means (02:06–04:08)

• Misconceptions:
  • Many equate self-compassion with indulgence or weakness ("bubble baths and candles"), or confuse it with self-love.
  • Society often fears self-compassion will lead to complacency or lack of motivation.
  • Some assume self-compassion means letting oneself off the hook, which can feel threatening in the context of OCD.
• Kimberly’s Definition:
  • True self-compassion is "the act of engaging in things that reduce your suffering. That's really all it is.” (03:09, Quinlan)
  • It focuses on long-term well-being—not short-term relief from anxiety (e.g., compulsions).
  • Compassionate actions serve both your present and your “one-year and ten-year you.”

"Self-compassion is ultimately doing things for the long-term you... that help benefit the one-year you and the ten-year you."
—Kimberly Quinlan (03:45)

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Why Self-Criticism Makes Anxiety Worse (04:49–07:59)

• The Science:
  • Stress and anxiety release stress hormones like cortisol.
  • Self-criticism and punishing self-talk amount to additional psychological “punishment,” causing your brain to release more of those hormones.

“Do you want the amount of stress hormones you have right now, or do we want to add to that?... No one says, yes, I would like more stress hormones.”
—Kimberly Quinlan (05:24)

• Compulsions Vs. Self-Compassion:
  • Compulsions may reduce immediate distress, but increase suffering in the long run because they reinforce OCD cycles.

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Making Self-Compassion Practical: Mindset Shifts (09:01–13:33)

• Being Your Own Safe Place:

  • The goal is to be “the safest person you can be when you face adversity.” (09:06)
  • Key question: Am I a safe space to experience emotions like guilt or shame?
  • Allow uncomfortable emotions without self-attack or avoidance—simply “ride this one out.”

• Techniques:

  • Mindfulness: Recognize self-critical thoughts (e.g., “I’m stupid,” or “I should be doing this perfectly”).
  • For some, restructuring or reframing is helpful; for others, just observing is enough.
  • Allow feelings to pass without interfering.
  • Normalize uncomfortable emotions: “It is a normal human experience to have uncomfortable emotion.” (12:31)

• Action-Oriented Compassion:

  • Sometimes compassion means doing things you don’t want for your long-term good (e.g., Medical self-care, gym routines).
  • Provide yourself emotional support as you take these actions.

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Why It’s So Hard to Embrace Self-Compassion (14:22–17:08)

• Human Nature & OCD’s Traps:
  • Avoiding pain is a built-in human default, creating powerful resistance to feeling difficult emotions.
  • Habitual self-punishment or comparison can become entrenched but doesn't mean there's something "wrong" with you.
• OCD’s Role:
  • OCD may threaten that kindness will cause your fears to come true, instilling doubt about self-compassion.
  • The disorder perpetuates the myth that harshness and vigilance are the only things preventing catastrophe.

“OCD was telling them, if you practice kindness, your fear is going to come true... or the only thing that's stopping you from [disaster] is the fact that you punish yourself really, really hard.”
—Kimberly Quinlan (16:02)

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Step-by-Step: Self-Compassion Break (18:58–23:58)

(Adapted from Kristin Neff & Christopher Germer)

1. Mindfulness – Name What’s Happening:

   • “Sometimes you’ve got to name it to tame it.” (19:13)
   • Notice physical and emotional sensations without judgment.

2. Common Humanity – You’re Not Alone:

   • Remind yourself that all humans struggle with hard emotions.
   • “What you’re feeling right now…other human beings have experienced it.” (20:42)

3. Gentle Kindness – Ask What You Need Now:

   • Ask, “What do I need right now?” (22:41)
   • Choose actions that support long-term well-being (e.g., reaching out, journaling, not giving in to compulsions).

• Emphasizes that self-compassion does not always mean “softness.” Sometimes, tough resolve ("Screw you, anxiety!") is the kindest act.

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Overcoming Barriers and Personalizing Compassion (24:44–27:31)

• For Those Struggling:
  • It’s okay to take baby steps: Try one tool and reflect—what did you learn? Did it help or worsen things?
  • Compassion doesn’t have to be “soft voice, kindness.” For some, it’s defiant strength against anxiety.
  • Align your style of self-compassion with your personality and what actually reduces your suffering.

“If compassion for you is saying, 'Heck, no, not today anxiety. I have big, beautiful goals,'…and that reduces your suffering…by all means, take it.”
—Kimberly Quinlan (26:44)

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The Payoff: Building Trust and Reducing Fear of Emotion (27:59–29:59)

• Self-Compassion as a Life Skill:
  • Learning to be a safe space for all emotions fosters self-mastery (“self-efficacy”).
  • Reduces the fear of emotions themselves, preventing “fear of fear.”
  • This self-trust is a “game changer” for mental health.

“One of the best things I ever have done for my mental health is…I would just be a safe place to have [every experience].”
—Kimberly Quinlan (29:27)

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Memorable Quotes

• “Compassionate acts are about the long-term you, not just relief in this moment.”
  —Kimberly Quinlan (03:45)
• “We think that if we say those [harsh] things, it'll propel us into change, but it actually doesn’t. It just means you have more suffering in your body.”
  —Kimberly Quinlan (06:50)
• “You want to be the safest person you can be when you face adversity.”
  —Kimberly Quinlan (09:07)
• “You will have sadness, you will have shame. Some days we’re going to feel completely inadequate—but that doesn’t mean you are inadequate.”
  —Kimberly Quinlan (12:40)
• “It is a trust. It does build trust. I'm not afraid of myself anymore.”
  —Kimberly Quinlan (29:53)

Notable Segments by Timestamp

• [02:06–04:08] – Redefining self-compassion and dispelling myths
• [04:49–07:59] – The link between self-criticism and anxiety hormones
• [09:01–13:33] – Mindset shifts for integrating self-compassion
• [14:22–17:08] – Why people resist compassion and OCD’s unique roadblocks
• [18:58–23:58] – Self-compassion break: A practical exercise
• [24:44–27:31] – Personalizing compassion; it doesn't have to be "soft"
• [27:59–29:59] – Self-compassion as a path to self-trust and reduced fear of emotion

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Resources Mentioned

• Kimberly Quinlan's Book: "The Self-Compassion Workbook for OCD"
• CBT School: Online mental health courses (https://www.cbtschool.com)
• Instagram: @youranxietytoolkit
• Podcast: Your Anxiety Toolkit

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Final Thoughts

Both Orlova and Quinlan stress: Self-compassion is a vital, individual, and learnable skill for anyone with OCD (and for humans in general), not a sign of weakness. It is a long-term antidote to anxiety, building both trust and resilience. Even baby steps can be transformative—there’s no single “right way” to practice self-kindness.

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For more, follow @youranxietytoolkit and check out Kimberly Quinlan’s work and resources at CBT School.

Transcript

[A]

Welcome to OCD Whisper Podcast. Today with me, I have Kim Quindlen. Welcome to the show.

[B]

Thank you so much for having me.

[A]

I think I'm going to assume most people already know about you, but just in case somebody doesn't, please tell us a little bit about yourself.

[B]

Sure. So my name is Kimberly Quinlan. I'm a marriage and family therapist in the state of California. I have a podcast called you'd Anxiety Toolkit, and I have a online platform called CBT School, which is where we have courses for folks who don't have access to professional mental health care. So that's what I love to do. I also have a book called the Self Compassion Workbook for ocd.

[A]

Beautiful. So we're going to pick right off of that from self Compassion, because this is why you are here. So. Hi, I'm Kristina Orlova, host of the OCD Whisperer podcast. As someone who lives with ocd, I understand the struggles firsthand. If you're here, you're not alone. Before we start, grab your free OCD survival kit at www.corresults.com to help you take control. That's K O R results dot com. Now let's dive into today's episode for folks who are listening. So one of the things that I find all the time, and I hear this all the time, is when we talk about the word compassion, self compassion for ocd, it seems like, I don't know that I'm really getting a sense that folks fully understand what that means. What I quite often get is, is people will say, yeah, yeah, okay. And kind of. They kind of glaze over it. And. And I think, or maybe even, I don't know, maybe they're fatigued about the word I. Or it's. It's almost like when I say meditation, people can go, ah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

And.

[A]

And so I really want to get into this. Like, what. What do you think? Yeah, what do you think people maybe are misunderstanding or. Or maybe not fully getting with this concept of self compassion. And we'll talk about OCD since that's my focus.

[B]

Yeah. So people, I think that self compassion is sort. It's like. Like mindfulness. Like we used to have mindfulness, and then everyone kind of got it got overused. And in social media, it's kind of an overused term. And then, you know, people are also using as if it's a synonym for just self love. And I get all that. None of that is actually wrong. But I think in general, people think that self compassion is just bubble baths and. And Candles and letting yourself off the hook. And just this degree of kindness that is sort of synonymous with weakness like as if it's a problem. And that's not true for everybody. But a of people do have the misconception that self compassion is a weakness or it will make me weaker or less likely to motivate myself or, or unmotivated. It might make me complacent, it might make me compliant. And so there's a lot of fear as a society we do have a lot of fear around this idea of taking really good care of ourselves. But what I would say in general in what actual self compassion is and you, it doesn't matter what you call it, it's ultimately the act of engaging in things that reduce your suffering. That's really all it is. It's just engaging in things, whether it be thoughts or behaviors or actions or being in relationship with certain people that reduce your suffering. Now what I'm not talking about is compulsions, right? Like compulsions can reduce suffering but that is not a self compassionate act because self compassion is ultimately doing things for the long term you doing things that help benefit the, the one year you and the ten year you and the long term you.

[A]

So how was somebody then I guess try to implement that for themselves? Right? Because I do think that people, I think people struggle a bit with feeling like if I've done something wrong or you know, if the compulsions are so intense that like I know that you know it's bothering my family like how can I apply this to myself and, and kind of forgive myself if you will. Right? Or even with a partner, let's say where the partner is now so burned out and they're like, you know what, this is like something you need to deal with. Right? How, how can somebody, if they're in that experience take this and, and actually apply it to themselves?

[B]

Yeah. So let's just look at the science then. It's pretty, it's quite simple when you look at it through a scientific lens. When things are difficult and if they're difficult, we will naturally have a release of anxiety hormones in our body, right? So if you're having intrusive thoughts or if you're having daily stresses, let's say a family member's really sick or you've got a big deadline at work or you're managing a mental health condition, that stressor is going to mean that your body is naturally sort of leaking stress hormones throughout your body which increases your suffering. Now if you go and beat yourself up for that and tell Yourself, you're really bad and you criticize and you punish yourself, your brain is going to interpret that as a form of punishment, and it's going to leak out even more of those stress hormones. Hormones. And so I often will just say to clients, it's really a matter of, do you want the amount of stress hormones you have right now, or do we want to add to that? Do we want to never. Have I had anyone who says, yes, I would like more stress hormones. Right? They're like, no, I would just, no, thank you. Like, life is hard enough. I already have. We can't. We can't prevent some of those stress hormones from being released. But. But do we really want to make it worse? So if you don't want to make it worse and you want to reduce your suffering, your job is to not engage in activities that leak that stress hormone out even more. So what does that mean? Self criticism is often a big way in which we have a lot of cortisol be pumped around our body because we're punishing ourselves. We're telling ourselves we are bad. You are wrong. We. What's wrong with you, you idiot? Right. Those things actually increase our suffering. When we say those things to ourselves, we think that if we say those things, it'll propel us into change, but it actually doesn't. It just means you have more suffering in your body. And so simply, we just. It really, we're just looking at. It's a matter of looking at your schedule or looking at your agenda or your goals for the day and asking yourself, if I engage in this activity, does this reduce my suffering or increase my suffering and engaging in things that make life easier for you. Now, of course, people will say, well, yeah, that's a compulsion. Again, like, I'll do the compulsion. But again, we know that by doing compulsions, you actually increase your suffering long term because it keeps the disorder going. So we would not add that compulsion as a thing that reduces suffering. Just like we. If you said, oh, yeah, me having a drink of alcohol takes away my. The stress of the day, we'd say, well, no, that. That mightn't help the long term. You. So it's. It's dependent on each person and it's identifying for yourself what actions and behaviors actually are in line with my values and make me out to be the person I want to be.

[A]

Yeah. So when you're saying that, you know, what comes to my mind is. And I know, folks listening, one of the things I commonly hear is the struggle of, okay, I might maybe choose an activity that would be better. But you know, mentally people get really stuck and have a hard time shifting their frame of mind. So how could they. Like if we break that down right. We. I know in CBT people talk about cognitive restructuring or like team CBT where we talk about, you know, coming up with like understanding the distorted kind of biased way of thinking and let's look at something else. But like for the everyday listener, like how, how could they start to cultivate a different mindset that can, you know, be a little bit gentler or a little more balanced. Right. Not fake, but. And again, not like a reassurance compulsion feature but, but a truly like a holistically just as even just a slightest little shift. Yeah. In how they're, they're looking at things.

[B]

So another component or another layer of self compassion is this idea that you want to be the safest person you can be when you face adversity. So everyone has adversity. It is a part of being a human being. But when we have it, let's say when we are feeling a, an emotion that's painful, we want to ask ourselves the question, am I a safe person or am I a safe space to experience that? So let's say guilt. Let's just take the emotion of guilt. Everyone has guilt. It usually shows up when we've made a mistake. When you have guilt, do you allow that emotion to be there in a safe way? Or when guilt shows up, do you get really mean and critical and you know, how, how do you react? What we want to do is we want to be a safe place to have any emotion at all. One of the most self compassionate acts that you can do in your lifetime is to create a mind where you can experience anything. Any intrusive thought, any emotion, any, any really difficult. You could experience anything knowing that it is safe to experience that experience. And so like you said, what's the mindset shift? It could be multiple things depending on the person. Number one, it might be just being aware of when you engage in name calling or critical thoughts. Right. So it might be just observing, oh, I'm having a thought that I'm stupid, or I'm having the thought that I'm not doing this well enough, or I'm, I'm observing how my brain is telling me that I should be doing this perfectly. So a lot of this is sort of mindfulness. In being able to observe what our brain is telling us doesn't mean we have to do a ton of restructuring. Sometimes we can, right? We could say no that's not true and correct it. That's really helpful for some folks, not for others. Some people don't find it helpful. Some find that if they could correct their thoughts all day, all night, that wouldn't change anything. And so there's. If you're someone who it is helpful for, by all means do. If it's not, you could just observe, oh, my brain's telling me I'm a bad person, or whatever that might be. Then we come to emotions. So a compassionate act is actually just feeling the emotion and doing nothing about it. Not running from it, not fighting it, not trying to make it go away. It's just the willingness to just have this human experience. And for me, it's often saying, okay, I'm going to ride this one out, and I will be there at the beginning, middle, and end. I will not. I will not betray you. I will not neglect you as we move through this uncomfortable emotion. And I think a big piece of that is just normalizing that it is a normal human experience to have uncomfortable emotion. You will have sadness, you will have shame. You will have days where you don't feel like you're the best. We're not going to feel like we're the best. Some days we're going to feel completely inadequate. But that doesn't mean you are inadequate. That's just a part of being a human being. So I think it's also normalizing and having healthy expectations of what it is to be a human being. That's also an act of kindness. And then the last piece is through your actions. Right. So for me, I. Let's. I'll use me as an example. And it's not an ocd, really, example, but just recently I was diagnosed with osteopenia, which is like where your bones are starting to become very brittle. It's a part of my genetics. So I don't want to go to the gym. I don't want to have to do weight training and take yucky massive calcium tablets. But as an act of kindness towards myself, I'm going to do the hard thing I don't want to do. And I'm going to be a safe place while I drag myself to the gym. And I'm going to give myself permission to feel my emotions about it. So it's also the actions that you take to take care of you in the most kind and loving way.

[A]

I love all of that. Again, there's so much there that you've hit on, I think, kind of. I want to ask, you know, like one of the things, when I hear that those are beautiful kind of processes and places to get to. What do you, what do you think? What do you think? Or why do you think people get stuck that they're. That in general, I notice is this trend where people can hear that, but they keep going to that place of like, yeah, but. Or like, but this feeling is too big, or I can't just sit with this, or I can't just accept that, like, what do you think's going on there? Where there's such a, I don't know, just, I guess, difficulty or, or you could say that's a fight mode, I guess, almost like pushing it away. But what do you, what do you think that's about?

[B]

Well, it's just a normal. Again, it's a part of the human existence to not want to feel discomfort. It's a part of the human brain to identify negative bias before positive bias. And often this is simply just habit. You know, habitually we can get into a rut where we beat ourselves up and we compare and we treat ourselves poorly and we get into habits of bad unhelpful action. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with us though. I mean, I'm constantly practicing self compassion and there will be times where I'm like, oh my goodness, I've totally fallen back into the rut of this A, B and C action. That's. It's not. Again, I think we have again, I think it's coming. I always sort of say to my clients is, it's, it's humbling ourselves with the fact that we are still human. We're not robots. We are going to want to avoid pain. We are going to want. We're going to naturally beat ourselves up. That is a default of our advanced civilization. However, we can always learn to, you know, habit stack on these behaviors. Now, again, when I was writing the Self Compassion workbook for ocd, I polled my Instagram on what specifically about self Compassion was difficult for specific folks with ocd. And a lot of them found that OCD was in fact the thing that was getting in the way. Their OCD was telling them, if you practice kindness, your fear is going to come true. Or if you don't hold yourself to these unrealistic standards, you're going to lose control and your whole life's going to fall apart. Or that, you know, the only thing that's holding, you know, that's stopping your, you from, you know, you know, losing your partner or killing your mom or whatever it might be is the fact that you punish yourself really, really hard. Like, a lot of times it was that messaging of OCD that was holding them, even though part of them deep, deep was like, oh, my God, I'm so miserable. And I just know in my heart I deserve better. But OCD can sometimes be the voice that holds them in that pattern, pattern. So I think it depends on the person, but I always encourage clients to sort of just journal on that. Of like, what are you afraid will happen if you don't? And sometimes we can get pretty quickly to what's getting in the way.

[A]

That's amazing. And, yeah, I think you're hitting on a very deep kind of core experience of. For folks with OCD, 100%. It's like this, like, I need the compulsion, and if I don't do it. Yeah. It's like this weird, tricky little subtle thing of like, I need to keep myself in the state of punishment or something because I don't deserve this other thing. Or if I even have a moment of peace or kindness or something nice. It's like you have a moment and then it feels so strange that immediately you kind of go right back to, oh, my gosh, no, no, like that I can't have that, or I can't really be open to that, or I can't enjoy that and kind of going back into. Yeah, like, I need to do all these other things to still prevent, quote, unquote, these kind of fears and all these horrible things that go through people's minds from coming true. Yeah. In this piece, I mean, I have to say, I love how you kind of reframed it. It's not just self love. It's what can you do to reduce that suffering, but also to be a safe space for yourself, like, to open up to the feeling. Can we talk a little bit about that? Because I know that the feeling, the emotional realm is. Is challenging, especially when there's big feelings. Do you have maybe some steps or like. Or something you found over time for yourself or clinically, too, that you've seen? Like, what's something simple or. Or somebody's really in that intensity and it's just overpowering to the point where, you know, we can sometimes feel like you just uncontrollably start to cry or you completely dysregulate and kind of fall apart a bit? Like, what do you do when that really hard thing shows up at the doorstep?

[B]

Yeah. So there are many ways in which you can practice this. For me, what I love to practice with my clients is something called A self compassion break. This was developed by the mindful self compassion. This is Krista Neff, Christopher Girmer, where they have you actually like write down step by step ways and ways which you can navigate a big emotional wave. So the first step of, of self compassion is mindfulness, being aware of what's actually happening. So the first step would be, let's say you're being hit by a big wave of anxiety or uncertainty. Okay, first step is to identify what is actually happening. Now sometimes you've got to name it to tame it. So you might document. Right now I'm experiencing blank. It might be I'm noticing a tightness in my chest. I'm noticing my racing thoughts, or I'm noticing, you know, feeling like a tummy ache, like I need to go to the bathroom or whatever it might be. So you're observing the actual facts. Now with mindfulness, we're not judging. We're not saying this sucks and I hate it. We're not saying. Because that adds suffering, right? When we say this sucks and I hate it, you're actually. I always imagine my brain like what I'm saying to myself.

[A]

I.

[B]

This is the way I explain it to my younger clients is, is sometimes when you say those things, it's like injecting just a little cortisol into your body, right? Like you're just a little. And it's going to take. That takes five or 10 minutes to circulate and fizzle out. But, but we don't want to keep injecting that stuff in, right? So we will identify what's actually happening. The second piece is what we call common humanity, which is where we acknowledge that this is a normal part of human existence. We cannot miss this stage because I can promise you to your listeners what you're feeling right now, exactly what you're feeling right now. Other human beings have experienced it. You are not alone in that suffering. You might feel alone. And I get it, it feels so isolating when you have these conditions. But this is a normal part of the human existence. It does not mean that you're wrong. It does not mean that you're a failure. It does not mean that you are undeserving of good things, that this is a normal part of humanity. Meaning it's normal to have anxiety, it's normal to have uncertainty. It mightn't feel normal to have these intrusive thoughts at this degree, but it's normal for humans to have weird thoughts, right? Like it's okay. That's a part of the human Existence. And we've got to practice not like, again, we've got to practice not making a narrative about this as if you're wrong and bad. Taking all the judgment out. A part of common humanity is also acknowledging that any other human would feel uncomfortable with this experience, right? So if you, let's say again, you're having a massive wave of anger or uncertainty or fear or panic, you can also put your hand on your heart and say, it makes complete sense that this terrifies me. Any other human who is going through this exact experience would feel exactly the same way. And then the last stage is just gentle kindness. Now, there's no definition for what that might be. It's asking yourself a very simple question, which is, what do I need right now? And for everybody it might be different. So let's say I'm in the middle of a massive panic attack. For me, it might be what do I need right now? Okay, I need some time or I need a hug, or I need to journal or I need to take a walk or I need some fresh air or to chew on a piece of ice or whatever it might be. You're engaging in behaviors that again, take care of the long term term you. The long, the one year you, not the immediate relief. It's what do I need that can help me maintain this safety as I ride this wave? For other people, it might be I need to call a friend or I need to do my exposures. It might be I need to not do this compulsion. It might be I need to, you know, write my fear on a piece of paper and rip it up like it. It doesn't matter. There's no right way. There's no right thing to need. But it's walking your through those. Now, you don't have to do it in that order. You can mix it up. You could do one of those things if they resonate to you. But ultimately, ideally, we want to take all the judgment out so that we're not increasing our suffering. We want to validate our own experience and we want to offer ourselves kindness. While. And I emphasize the word while, While you feel the discomfort.

[A]

Yeah, I think those are really powerful. And also the other thing too, I mean, I love the way you're describing how to make space, how to slow it down, how to engage a little differently. And everything you're saying does involve you as a person having that experience to actually kind of step in and, and do something with that. Not just kind of be bulldozed over. What, what would you say when. Because the other Thing too, is, is some, some people just do beautifully, right? They'll take this, they listen, they really go and they implement. And I'm always a fan, like, yay, Good. Yes. Keep going, Keep going. What about some of those folks that sometimes don't like that, that they have a hard time implementing? What would you say then?

[B]

I'd say, that's okay. I mean, I don't want people to feel like this is. They have to do this either. So I have some friends who don't need compassion. They're like, I don't. I don't feel like I have a problem in that area. And I like the way I handle it and it works for me and I'm okay with that. Right. Like, great. However, if you are someone who beats yourself up or if you have OCD and self punishment is a part of a compulsion you're doing, then I strongly discourage you because any compulsion you do is going to reinforce that. That obsession. So for folks, I would say, please don't feel it's scary. I would say, let's say you want to try, but you're like, you know, I would say, this is really, really scary to try. I would. I'm a big believer in baby steps. And I would say experiment. Try one of those tools just as an isolated one time and see, stop after you've tried it and ask, how did it go? What did I learn? Did I lose control? Is it something that helped or hindered? What felt good about it? What felt bad about it? Now, don't forget, when I was writing my book, one of the best pieces of advice I got was I was doing a lot of podcasts on this topic, and a listener had emailed in and they'd said, kimberly, I love what you're doing here, but this whole, like, soft voice, kindness, like, you know, I'm gonna stand by you, like, that doesn't resonate with me. And they said sometimes the most compassionate thing I can do is to say, screw you, anxiety. You're not taking this from me today. Now, that's an act of kindness, too. That's an act of compassion. It doesn't have to be. Again, bubble baths and soft, all warm, yummy thought. It doesn't have to be that. If that doesn't line up with you, if compassion for you is saying, heck, no, not today, anxiety. I have big, beautiful goals that I'm going for, and it doesn't include you taking over. And I got this, I'll do it on my own, thank you very much. If that's the way in which you speak, speak to yourself. And that reduces your suffering. And that is an act of kindness so that you feel like you can experience any negative emotion, by all means, take it. It's an, it's an independent, individual way of doing it. And you've got to match your own strengths and your own personality.

[A]

I absolutely love that. I love that you said that. I love that you shared that. I love and I hope people hearing really take that message away. It's exactly, it's. It's so individual. It's whatever. However it works for you and your personality in a fit. But it's a matter of just still doing it, even if it's a baby step. Because I think, if I may, I think we deserve it and I think we are all human. And it's already not easy being a human being, having an experience of living life.

[B]

Yeah, well, and the other thing I will add here, which is really the more foundational component or result of this, is when we have strong uncomfortable emotions. That sucks. Right. And then what often happens is if they're not handled well, right. Or effectively, we start to fear emotion in and of itself. We fear the next trigger. We fear the next time I have to feel guilt or the next time I have to. So not only is fear something that's uncomfortable, but fearing the fear is a double whammy. And so if we can practice managing emotions in a way that's effective and kind, we can actually reduce our suffering because we're now not afraid of emotion itself. Where there's a sense of self efficacy is what we call it, or self mastery. Where again, I will say one of the best things I ever have done for my mental health is made. I made a decision one day that I was going to make sure every experience that I would just be a safe place to have it.

[A]

I love that.

[B]

And now emotions aren't as scary as they used to be because emotions used to be really, really, really scary for me. And. And so now I'm like, yeah, yeah, I know I, I hate. I don't like feeling anxiety or guilt or shame, but I have a, a sense of like, yeah, but I know what to do when, if it does come, so I'm less scared of it. And that has significantly improved my mental health.

[A]

Yeah, that's a game changer. I mean, I think that's exactly right. That's a muscle that you build and you learn to trust yourself over time. And, and I mean, that's the most beautiful gift I think you can give yourself.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, it is. And it is a trust. It does build trust. I'm I'm not afraid of myself anymore.

[A]

I love that. Kim, thank you so much for coming on the show and sharing your wisdom and expertise. And if folks would like to connect and find you, how can they find you?

[B]

So you can catch me on Instagram at your Anxiety toolkit. I have a podcast called you'd Anxiety toolkit and a YouTube called your anxiety Toolkit. Or I have an online platform called cbtschool.com thank you so much for coming on the show. My pleasure. Thanks for having me.

[A]

Thanks for listening to the OCD Whisperer podcast. Remember, freedom from OCD is a journey and you're not alone. Visit www.coraresults.com to explore self help masterclasses like Sneaky Rituals with Jenna Overbaugh or ICBT Masterclass with Christina Inabe. Don't forget to grab your OCD CBT journal tracker and planner while you're there. If you found this episode helpful, please subscribe, share and leave a five star review to help others find the podcast. Together we can make a difference. Keep going and I'll see you in the next episode.

[C]

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