160. OCD & Grief: How Trauma Hijacks Your Mind | Real Stories & Coping Tips

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: The OCD Whisperer Podcast with Kristina Orlova
Episode: 160. OCD & Grief: How Trauma Hijacks Your Mind | Real Stories & Coping Tips
Date: November 29, 2025
Host: Kristina Orlova
Guest: Krista Reed, Clinical Social Worker & OCD Specialist

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Episode Overview

This episode dives deep into the intersection of OCD and grief, examining how coping with loss and trauma interacts with obsessive-compulsive dynamics. Kristina and Krista, both clinicians with lived experiences of OCD and grief, candidly share personal stories, clinical insights, and raw emotions. The episode normalizes the complexity of grieving with OCD, explores the challenges of big feelings and “grieving wrong,” and sets the stage for a forthcoming Part 2 on practical coping strategies.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Origins: OCD, Grief, and Personal Experience

• Krista’s OCD History:
  • OCD onset was directly linked to the traumatic loss of a beloved teacher’s aide at age 6 (03:14).
  • The lack of boundaries and support in the 1990s amplified Krista’s early traumas and obsessions, with vivid childhood experiences intertwining AIDS fears and obsessive thoughts.
    • “I could have swore that I saw blood in the car… I was convinced at that moment… that I now had AIDS and my family now had AIDS.” (05:41, Krista)
• Grief as an OCD Catalyst:
  • Krista highlights the role of grief, not only as a reaction to death, but as a trigger for the most severe, spiraling obsessions and compulsions.
  • Her father’s hospitalization in 2017 marked a crisis (“63 days in hospital, intubated for 16”) and brought on waves of existential OCD doubts and self-criticism.
    • “I started to feel like I was a teenager again… What if I want the attention of this? What if I am actually a bad daughter?” (08:49, Krista)

2. The Chaos of Grieving with OCD

• Compulsive Rumination & Emotional Absence:
  • OCD drove relentless rumination and disrupted Krista’s ability to be emotionally present for her children and family.
  • Grief was pre-emptive (“pre-grieving”) and tangled with fear-based hypotheticals.
    • “Even the anticipation of death made me feel like I was grieving before the grief needed to take place.” (15:20, Krista)
• Complex Family Dynamics & Everyday Life:
  • Unique family roles (being the local point-person at the hospital) intensified isolation and heightened OCD masking.
    • “You want to talk about masking? Go through an OCD episode while your parent is in the hospital and you have to parent small kids.” (13:37, Krista)

3. Grief’s Impact on OCD Themes

• Resurgence & Emergence of New Compulsions:
  • Recent family deaths reignited old compulsions and introduced new contamination fears—compulsions Krista had never previously encountered.
    • “All of a sudden it was like, my OCD is like, okay, cool… By the way, your food is now contaminated.” (16:51, Krista)
• Self-Doubt & Criticism about “Grieving Wrong”:
  • OCD questions her authenticity of grief, her manner of grieving (“not grieving correctly”), and her divergence from family’s religious grieving practices.
    • “Because the OCD is criticizing… it genuinely takes away, in reality, my ability to grieve, therefore causing me to grieve incorrectly.” (22:58, Krista)

4. The Complexity & Contradiction of Grief

• Mixed Emotions: Relief and Sadness Coexisting:
  • Both Krista and Kristina acknowledge the simultaneous experience of relief and sorrow—especially in cases where the loss comes after prolonged suffering.
    • “There was this sense, I’m happy he’s not suffering anymore… Then with the other, there was no relief.” (24:45, Krista)
  • Kristina echoes this, highlighting complicated love, pre-grieving, and post-loss guilt over relief.
    • “You can have these big feelings and all these questions get stirred up… at the end of the day, is there some right way? Well, no.” (23:27, Kristina)

5. Deeper Empathy & Emotional Intensity in OCD

• Highly Sensitive Reactions:

  • Both clinicians discuss being told “you’re too much,” and the research that suggests deeper empathy amongst people with OCD.
    • “Individuals with OCD can experience deeper levels of empathy. …My heart’s not on my sleeve… my heart’s everywhere.” (30:35, Krista)
  • Kristina notes the tendency of OCD brains to pick up nuances, reinforcing that feeling things deeply is natural for some.
    • “Let’s normalize it… you’re allowed to feel any and all different things.” (38:39, Kristina)

• Societal Pressure to Repress Emotions:

  • Krista shares poignant memories: crying over the deaths of public figures (Phil Hartman, Princess Diana) and hiding these feelings due to shame and fear of being misunderstood.
    • “I would cry in silence… I did not want people to see me in this way.” (34:49, Krista)

6. OCD’s Timelessness & Nonlinear Nature of Healing

• Old Themes, New Contexts:
  • Even years after trauma, OCD can revive old obsessions. Krista humorously describes OCD’s disregard for “time, space, continuum.”
    • “It doesn’t matter how long [ago] the traumatic situation… OCD doesn’t care. …‘Remember that thing from when you were eight? Let’s think about that now…’” (42:27, Krista)
• Compulsions as Coping Gone Awry:
  • Krista recounts preparing for her father’s (living) funeral and selecting a song, until she recognizes the absurdity of OCD’s logic:
    • “For an entire week… I was practicing and looking for the perfect song to sing for my dad… My OCD has killed my dad so many times. Still very much alive.” (42:27, Krista)
  • Shows even clinicians can get “caught,” and how humor and awareness eventually break the spell:
    • “I had to say, you know what, dad? I’m going to sing ‘Girls, Girls, Girls’ by Motley Crue at your funeral!” (46:08, Krista)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Krista on OCD’s Dark Humor with Death:

  “My OCD has killed my dad so many times. Still very much alive!” (42:27, Krista)

• On Feeling “Too Much”:

  “My heart’s not on my sleeve. My heart’s everywhere. And when I love, I love hard. When I cry, I cry hard. That’s just who I am.” (30:35, Krista)

• Kristina Normalizing Big Feelings:

  “Let’s normalize it… you’re allowed to feel any and all different things.” (38:39, Kristina)

• On Grieving Wrong:

  “Because the OCD is criticizing and telling me how to grieve… it genuinely takes away, in reality, my ability to grieve, therefore causing me to grieve incorrectly.” (22:58, Krista)

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Important Timestamps

• [03:14] – Krista’s OCD origins following early childhood trauma
• [08:46] – The full force of OCD during her father’s health crisis
• [15:20] – Pre-grieving and anticipatory loss
• [16:51] – New compulsions emerge following back-to-back family deaths
• [22:57] – How OCD attacks “grieving correctly” and faith differences
• [24:45] – Mixed emotions: loss, relief, and the complexity of family deaths
• [30:35] – Deep empathy and “being too much” as an OCDer
• [34:49] – Early shame over deep emotional reactions
• [42:27] – OCD’s timelessness: old themes in new contexts
• [46:08] – Using humor to break OCD’s spell on death and grieving

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Closing Reflections & Takeaways

• Grieving with OCD is legitimately chaotic, bringing up intrusive thoughts, compulsions, and feelings of “not doing it right.”
• There is no right way to grieve. Emotions, relief, guilt, sorrow, and joy can (and do) coexist.
• People with OCD might feel emotions more acutely—this is both a challenge and a sign of empathy.
• OCD is not bound by time or logic; old wounds can resurface years later.
• Awareness, humor, and acceptance are vital—both Krista and Kristina stress the value of normalizing all aspects of the experience.

“It’s not a linear process… It’s a living, breathing experience you’re in that you’re going to have to just kind of navigate moment by moment.” (47:53, Kristina)

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What’s Next?

Stay tuned for Part 2: The next episode will focus on practical coping strategies—how to navigate big feelings and regain ground when OCD and grief collide.

Contact Krista Reed:

• Instagram: @KristaRuthReed
• Website: reedocd.com

Contact Kristina Orlova & Resources:

• Free OCD Survival Kit: www.coraresults.com

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This summary captures the heart, messiness, and hope in coping with OCD and grief, echoing the hosts’ mission to open tough conversations and remind listeners: you’re not alone.

Transcript

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[Christina Orlova]

Welcome to OCD Whisper Podcast. Today with me I have Krista Reed. Krista, if you don't mind telling us a little bit about yourself. Yes.

[Krista Reed]

Hi, my name is Krista Reed and I am a clinical social worker. I'm based out of Wichita, Kansas. I am a specialist in ocd, body focused repetitive behaviors and body dysmorphic disorder and also recently just began a new podcast. It's called Talk Taboo to Me. And honestly, the topic we're going to talk about today really fits in with the fact that I want us to talk about basically the things that we're told we're not supposed to talk about, like grief and death and loss. So I think that this is such a beautiful thing that we're doing this and thank you so much for having me on the show.

[OCD Whisperer Podcast Announcer]

Hi, I'm Christina Orlova, host of the OCD Whisperer podcast. As someone who lives with ocd, I understand the struggles firsthand. If you're here, you're not alone. Before we start, grab your free OCD CD survival kit at www.corresults.com to help you take control. That's K O R results.com now let's dive into today's episode.

[Christina Orlova]

Absolutely. I really, you know, part of, you know, for folks tuning in today, part of this conversation really came out of both of us going through grief and loss cycle and having OCD and just kind of talking about what is that like when you having real life loss and you're really facing these, these hard emotions and going through the process and you have OCD and how, how can this, you know, kind of affect ocd, right? How does it. How do you. How are you managing two different things, or more than two. But yeah, so. So really this kind of came upon through that and, and wanting us to come on here and kind of share our own experiences and some key learnings. So, yeah, I think with that, if you don't mind, let's dive in a little bit about kind of what prompted it for you. I mean, I know people have been. They know about my stuff. I've been talking about my loss with my mom, but, you know, I'd love to hear for you kind of what's been going on.

[Krista Reed]

Well, you know, gosh, my OCD journey, if you will, it started with death. And just even thinking about, just preparing for the show, it was, you know, I've had a couple recent deaths within the past month, but I feel like it would be dishonest to myself to not talk about the fact that my own OCD really ignited because of a death. I was six years old, I was in kindergarten, and the teacher aide in my class was killed in a drunk driving accident. And I just being so young, not really understanding the depths of the accident, not understanding just the depths of, well, quite frankly, death. And I'm from a small town, and it's one of those situations where everybody knows everybody. And the kind of stuff that you see in a small town when you're a kid, you just, you just, you know, you know what, let's. Let's go check out the car that this person had their accident in. Like, why in the world. I can't even imagine that now. Like, saying, hey, kids, your teacher, your teacher aide who was killed, let's go check out our car. Like, I can't imagine doing that. But this is 1990. Like, this was such, like, there were no, there were no rules, like, in terms of how we parented. And you didn't think about the certain things that were going to, you know, potentially scare kids, basically.

[Christina Orlova]

Yeah.

[Krista Reed]

And so I remember seeing the car and being so young, I could have swore until this day, I don't know if I actually saw it or it was my imagination. I could have swore that I saw blood in the car, which wouldn't be that surprising because the accident was absolutely horrific. I believe she drove off a bridge. It was really, really bad. And there were two people in there. And when I saw that during that time, if we're just thinking about, like, what is happening, happening globally, well, this was still very much towards the time, or this is very much in the moment of the aids, like Pandemic and everything. And.

[Christina Orlova]

I.

[Krista Reed]

All I knew was something about AIDS is bad and blood. I was, like, literally the extent that I knew, and I was convinced at that moment because she was a teacher aide, and there were. There was blood and there was a car that I now had AIDS and my family now had aids. And just being absolutely tormented from that thought, and from there, it just completely started to spin. There have been so many moments of loss and grief, not necessarily just in my life, but just in just these moments of loss and grief that have really stuck with me for so long because of my ocd. It's starting.

[Christina Orlova]

Yeah. I mean, I agree.

[Krista Reed]

Yeah, it started with that, but I really think where I acknowledged how bad grief. And I don't mean necessarily even just death, but just grief in terms of struggling for some type of change and some type of even potential grief or just potential loss. Not potential grief, but the fear of a loss. And grieving through all of this and grieving for, like, all of this uncertainty in so many aspects. Where I really realized, man, my OCD is bad, was in 2017, which, by the way, this was when I was a year into or a year, year and a half into actually learning how to become an OCD specialist. So I was gaining a lot of insight about my own ocd, because one thing about me is I could never find an OCD specialist. And so I became an OCD specialist to help myself, which is not a great way of going at it, but I really didn't have much of a choice. And so my dad, in 2017, was hospitalized for 63 days. And he's not from the town that I'm. He's not from the city I am, but he's from a small town, and he had to be, like, airlifted in. Into Wichita to be here because of how sick he was. He was intubated for 16 days, and that's a very, very long time to have a breathing tube. And there were so many aspects of what was happening to my dad at that moment that just set me into one, this path of severe, like, ego regression. I started to feel like I was a teenager again. So I was dealing with some traumatic stuff as well. But also I was consistently battling. Consistently battling. And I remember one obsession that just destroyed me, and it really. It really makes me surprised that I'm here today. To be honest with you. I might cry during this because it's.

[Christina Orlova]

That's okay.

[Krista Reed]

Because it's hard to think about and it's hard to talk about because I wasn't In a state where I wanted to end my life, but I was in a state to where I was so deadly afraid that something was going to end it for me. And also just even thinking about the fact of, do I even deserve to live? Because the obsessions that I was struggling with is. As my dad lays there with a breathing tube, do I want him to live? What if I want him to die? What if I want the attention of this? What if I am actually a bad daughter? What if my dad goes to hell and it's my fault? What if my dad never truly loved me? What if my dad never loved my kids? What if I'm a bad parent and somehow it's my dad's fault and so I'll never be able to be a good parent and if he dies, then I'll never be able to reconcile. I just remember so many aspects of that time being horrible. And then the night that my dad was extubated. So the night that my dad's breathing tube was removed. And keeping in mind I am spinning, I am spinning just completely out of control. And I would say, like, the rumination was if. If I was awake, I was ruminating, I. I was just an absolute mess. Just an absolute mess. And I remember, like, my clothes couldn't fit. They didn't feel right. I think I only had, like, a handful of clothes because this is one thing about my ocd, is my ocd for. For the longest time, we'll have, like, safe clothing. And I just remember, like, there were only certain clothes that felt safe. It wasn't necessarily attached to. My dad is going to die if I wear these clothes. It's just like, I can't be around my dad because I'm not going to be comfortable in this very uncomfortable situation. But also, do I deserve to be comfortable in this very uncomfortable situation? What kind of daughter wants to be comfortable when their dad is potentially dying and just battling with it constantly over and over and over? So I'm in the hospital, and I mean, bless my stepmom, my stepmom, for the first night, she's just exhausted. She was like, I need to go back to my house and, you know, have a night. Because she had been staying at the hospital almost every single night. And of course, the night she decided to go back was the night they decided to take the breathing tube out of my dad because it was literally like, we don't know if he's going to get better or worse, but he can't have a breathing tube in this long because it's been 16 days. It's been such a long time that, you know, if. If he. If he regresses, we'll do have to do a tracheotomy. And thankfully, he progressed. But I was not told by the staff how his cognition would be. And that completely just. Oh, man, I was already in such, like, a vulnerable state.

[Christina Orlova]

And.

[Krista Reed]

When they took the breathing tube out of my dad, there is what is called. Which I know now, it's like extubation delirium or amnesia, something, one of those two. And it's where the person's memory just is. It's not quite there. It takes some time for the person to have all this acknowledgement and really kind of be aware of their presence. So I go into my dad's room. I'm a mess. I'm an absolute disaster. I feel like I haven't slept in 20 years. And I go in there, I'm just like, hey, dad, how are you doing? And his first words were, who are you? And I just. I had no idea what to do because in that moment, it felt like it confirmed that I was worthless. I felt like it confirmed that I was, in fact, a bad daughter and a bad mom and so many different things. And, God, I. I hate the hospital staff so much for not telling me about this. Why wouldn't they tell the family member, hey, your dad, he might not know who you are, and this is a very normal thing, but nobody told me. And it just made me spin. It just made me feel worse. It made me feel all of these horrible things. And I felt like no matter what I would do, I felt like I was doing things wrong. I would mention something to my dad, and my dad would start crying, and I'm like, what is wrong with me? Oh, my God, I can't.

[Christina Orlova]

I can't.

[Krista Reed]

Ah. Thankfully, my dad was able to recover from that. But that was a. That was a really, really, really heavy moment of my life where I realized, man, how bad would I have gotten if he died? Because I need help? And this is where it gets really hard, is I don't know where I would be today because if my dad would have died, I don't know if I would have felt okay to go on because I was so sick. And I became such emotionally absent in my mothering and just emotionally absent in so many different manners of life. And, man, you want to talk about masking, Go through an OCD episode while your parent is in the hospital and you're having to parent small kids. And also, at the same time, like, I am dealing with all of these other issues and trying to keep it together. And I am the messenger for my family because none of my family lives around here except me. It was awful. It was awful. So I know we're here to talk about grief, but I think we also do realize that grief is so much more than just somebody dying. Like, in that moment, I felt a grief of the what ifs, of what if I die? Am I ever gonna get better? Like, what if my dad dies? Am I ever gonna get better? And just, even the anticipation of death made me feel like I was grieving before the grief needed to take place.

[Christina Orlova]

And it was, I mean, so it's almost like you are preemptively kind of doing it, but also you're, you're. Sounds like facing a situation where you really didn't know which way it was going to go. And those are always, how could they not be difficult when you, you're literally at this toss up and you can go another direction. And thank goodness it went, you know, in the right direction. But to your point exactly. When you're, you're right in the middle of this, you just don't know. And you know, when we're facing real life things like that, when it's like, here it is, we're not just kind of wondering, but we're in it. And it activates all this internal doubts. And then, you know, in your situation, it's like, oh my gosh, it's, it's the relationship and dynamic here, then with your own children, then the family, then yourself. I mean, so many things are up, up in the air. It's, it's quite intense. It's quite intense to deal with that. And to your point as well, there, yes, grief is not like one. There's only one right way or one, one right grief. It's a spectrum. There's, you know, but we're not talking about, I mean, yes, there's grief from like losses of work and friendships too, but. And those are equally important. But I think today for you and I, you know, we're also talking about these moments where like, truly there is suddenly an end to something. And then the other times in life when you're facing something that's, that's like right at that crossroads. And it's quite a wake up call in many ways. And also it can be triggering in many ways.

[Krista Reed]

It's so triggering in so many ways. And what seemed to really kind of bring up just this discussion is I had been pretty vocal on my Instagram recently about how I lost Two family members within like a couple weeks. And. And the first one was the end of July, and the next one was just a couple weeks later. Gosh, even. I don't even know it was a couple of weeks. Yeah, it might have been a couple weeks later in August. And I started experiencing obsessions and doing compulsions that I hadn't done for years. And not only that, I started doing obsessions and compulsion or having compulsions that I have never even done before. And it was so just abnormal. Like, I remember being on the phone with my mom, knowing that, you know, my mom, like one of the. One of my uncles who passed was her brother and explaining to her, I was like, mom, I'm not okay. Like, I'm not okay. Like, you know, losing one uncle and then losing another uncle, like, that's so much for somebody to take. And all of a sudden it was like, my OCD is like, okay, cool. So you're dealing with all of this, by the way. Your food is now contaminated and you are not going to be able to eat particular things. And if you do, then something bad is going to happen. It's like, oh, he's so great. And it was never about anything else. And I've never experienced, you know, this fear that my food was going to be contaminated. And it just. It just was like, so crazy. And it was like I was going to cook it wrong or I was buying the wrong one. Because one thing about my OCD is it always goes back to me being a fraud. It's always going back to something that I'm doing that is not right and I'm not being authentic. I'm not being real to myself. And one thing about me is I genuinely put forth an effort to eat things that are going to fuel me, that are going to be healthy for me, not like in an obsessive manner. But I genuinely like to eat. Try.

[Christina Orlova]

I try.

[Krista Reed]

I mean, I'm not perfect at it. To eat, like whole type foods and everything. And then for whatever reason, these foods are bad for me now. And I just. It just. It just didn't make any sense. And I would find myself.

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[Krista Reed]

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[Christina Orlova]

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[Krista Reed]

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[Krista Reed]

Taxes and fees extra. C mobile.com arguing with my OCD. And it almost felt like. I know you're shaking your head because that's just what happens. Because my OCD was like, there was no angel and devil on my shoulder was a devil and devil or even like a prankster and prankster. I don't even know if it's a devil. Sometimes it's a prankster and a prankster or a bully and a monster. But there definitely was no innocence or angels. There was nothing positive there. And it was telling me essentially, like, you're being dramatic. This wasn't your dad. This was your cousin's dad's. What's wrong with you? You loved one uncle more than the other. You had a closer relationship with one uncle. The other. You actually wanted your uncles to die. Because again, it's telling me, just like my own dad, like, you want. You want that attention. You want that sympathy. You want to be the center of attention. When I'm like, no. Like, don't get me wrong, I am not, like, shy about, like, being on a karaoke stage. Be like, look at me. But I don't want to be the center of attention because I had a dead relative. That's right. So deranged. And that's not at all who I am. But that's exactly what was happening. And it was just causing me so much anguish. And one of the things that I noticed that my OCD truly does in moments of loss or hardship is it causes me to grieve in a manner that's against my values and against who I really am as a person. And it causes me this doubt of, am I even grieving correctly because I have ocd.

[Christina Orlova]

Tell me more about that. What do you mean exactly?

[Krista Reed]

Oh, boy. It makes it seem as if, because I have OCD that my level of grief is just wrong, that I am really not sad. I'm faking it, or I'm grieving for the wrong things, or I am not grieving in a manner that my family is grieving because my Family continues to practice Catholicism, and I don't. So right away, it's telling me that I'm not doing it correctly, but at the same time, it kind of goes on to, like, my own value of what I want to grieve and how I want to grieve and what I want to do.

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[Krista Reed]

And it really does conflict because sometimes I feel like. Because the OCD is criticizing and telling me how to grieve or not to grieve or what to do, and it's being so demanding that it genuinely takes away, in reality, my ability to grieve, therefore causing me to grieve incorrectly. And so it's just this complete, like, mind, like gymnastics that's happening. And it's so easy to get stuck in that moment.

[Christina Orlova]

Yeah. When you're saying that, like, have you ever had an experience where it could. It could feel almost like, like, two conflicting things at the same time? And it's like, okay, I am grieving and I am sad, and at the same time, there might be, like, real relief in some weird way. Or it could be, okay, I'm grieving, but then I'm also, like you said, feeling like. But maybe I shouldn't. I shouldn't be. So I think you said earlier, I'm gonna put in the air quotes dramatic or it's not you worn as clothes. And it's like, wait a minute. Be right. Because there's a lot of kind of conflicted data, if you will. But at the end of the day, it's like, is there some right way? Well, no. Right. But I think to kind of what I'm hearing, too, you can have these big feelings and. And all these questions get stirred up, but then it's like they're all happening at the same time. Okay, so now what do you do?

[Krista Reed]

Yeah, you hit, like, you. You. You. You hit the nail, like, on the head, like, so heavy with one in particular thing. So the first uncle who passed, the uncle who passed in late July, he was very sick, and he was suffering greatly, and he had been suffering for a significant amount of time. It was getting to the point to where he was so sick that sometimes his cognition wasn't entirely there.

[Christina Orlova]

He.

[Krista Reed]

He really. He just. He was not able to take care of himself. And we had known for a while that he was either going to pass this year or next year. And it wasn't a sudden thing, but definitely when it happened, there was this moment of sadness and grief. However, there was also relief. So for him, he needed a liver transplant. And it's Very difficult. Anybody who has ever experienced a family member who needs an organ transplant, it's quite the lengthy process. And there's so many ups and downs and ups and downs. Like, he's healthy enough. No, he's not healthy enough. He can get one. No, he can't get one. And there's just so many obstacles. And so when he did pass, there was this sense of, I'm happy that he's not suffering anymore. And then a couple weeks later with my other uncle, he needed a kidney transplant. His happened. His. His death happened a little bit more unexpectedly. We knew that he had been sick for a while, but this. The level of pain and his just. His story was so different. Even though they were both awaiting transplants, and they were both awaiting basically ways to get help, but they couldn't because both of their hearts weren't well enough to be able to have these transplants. And so when that uncle passed, it was. There was no relief. It wasn't because the pain with the first uncle was so different in reality versus my second uncle. And then you are having to. Well, you have something like that as a general, I am having to also deal with. And not just me, but a lot of my family members, because the uncles were on like, one was on my dad's side, one was on my mom's side. And so, you know, like myself and my parents and my siblings, you know, dealing with the fact that, yeah, we can have this relief for one and the sadness for another. But their stories were so similar that my OCD really, really tied into that and made it seem like, wow, you're happy one died, aren't you? But why can't I be relief? Why can't I experience relief and sadness? Why can't it be both? It's supposed to be both. Grief is so complex, like you had mentioned, like, you know, there is this sense of relief that we can all feel. And I know that, you know, with. With your own personal story, like you have. You've shared it on here before, right?

[Christina Orlova]

Yeah, I mean, I don't think that I've talked about this piece, but yeah, this. This similarly kind of why I relate to what you're saying, because at the one hand, I. Yeah, when I lost my mom and the whole experience, it was. It was really intense when you're in it. And like the night we went in, we were just going for a regular, I thought, checkup. And then some point in there, I.

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[Christina Orlova]

Oh, I don't think. I don't think we're walking out together. And then, you know, you see, literally, for me, I saw her take her last breath and those last moments, and you're just kind of in it. It's very intense and there's a lot of complicated feelings I like. And I think you don't even. You don't even anticipate or know. Like, in many ways, I was pre grieving, which I didn't even know was a thing, but just. I just caught myself, like, crying so much and I'm like, she's still here. What am I doing? But then it just was happening. And then when things actually happen, the transition afterwards, in many ways, like, okay, thank God she's not in pain. But then also like, oh, my gosh, but wait, I can't. Even though our relationship was conflictual and it was a very deep love, intense loyalty, but also there was stuff. But it's like, oh, my gosh, I can't even argue with you anymore. But then at the same time, oh, thank God, I have a little break now. But then also, wait, no, that feels bad. But, you know, so you kind of get stuck a little bit. And end of the day, it's like, okay, I gotta just allow myself to feel those different feelings. And, yeah, little brain of, you know, little OCD brain wants to, of course, twist things out of context and start to create a whole bunch of other stories and, you know, incest and doubt about things. But at least in my. In my case, I. I could, like, the OCD couldn't even get in anywhere because just the feeling and the grief, at least for me, with my mother, it was. It was. It was intense. And so that. That could have took more center stage and having to pack her stuff and move. Like, there's so many things I had to do. But afterwards, even having a moment of, like, kind of a little bit of relief, and then I felt really bad. But, you know, I. I think to your point, it's understanding, well, yeah. Why can't. Why can't I, though, have that Feeling because she's not in pain, like when I'm not witnessing her literally suffer. Because witnessing somebody when you know where it's going, like, you know, it's a really hard place to be as you're watching things break down and you can't really do much about it. So, you know, and here you are, you're like, it's hardest on the ones that are here because you're the one left behind. Having to now feel all the things and be with it all.

[Krista Reed]

Yeah, yeah. Boy, oh boy. And you know, something I even thought of with just you saying all that is because I mentioned earlier that there's this part of me that feels like I grieve wrong. That's also going into some of the fact that. And I mean, there's research that can, you know, even back this up, that individuals with OCD can experience deeper levels of empathy. And I can think back to so many instances where I am dealing with something like within grief or just sad or deep emotion and not like in any means of abuse or being reprimanded or just whatever, but people just saying, like, krista, like, you might want to take it down a little bit. Like you're kind of a lot and thinking like, why am I being. Why is my cries being silenced? Why am I not allowed to feel this way? And I've just, I've. I've always really struggled with that and I remember struggling with that so much until somebody explained. Well, you know, individuals with OCD actually experience deeper levels of empathy. Like, we feel deeper. And I've heard people compare people to OC or with OCD to having or having similar traits of like a highly sensitive person and stuff along the lines of that. Because I've always joked that my heart's not on my sleeve. Like, I literally have heart. Like, my heart's everywhere. And when I love, I love hard. And when I cry, I cry hard. And that's just, that's just who I am. And you know, you get this feeling that when you are seeing how other people are grieving and how they're responding to the exact same thing. But you might be crying more or you might be feeling so many more things and you might be experiencing more doubt, more regret, just more whatever, you really can get it in your head, what is wrong with me?

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[Christina Orlova]

Yeah, I mean, to your point, I agree. Similarly, I've been told you're too much. You're to this, to that. But the truth is that I similarly would have a lot of big feelings throughout my whole life. It took a while to finally learn how to navigate them better. But because of that, and yeah, if, if you get that kind of messaging, how could you not start to personalize it and internalize it? Like, oh, I'm too much, something is wrong with me, I'm doing this wrong, or I'm bad or whatnot. Right, because you're, you're hearing it also. So it's confirming it. And then, you know, hopefully you learn over time. Like, no, there's nothing bad or wrong. But I think there is a kind of two step process here. One is about learning how to manage our emotions a little bit better. Like I've gotten a bit better for myself and I've learned how to become a better container for myself. And also too though, being able to allow whatever the emotion is to just be. And you know, not everybody really knows how to hold that space for others when others are suddenly having emotions or big feelings. So to that point it's like, yeah, then don't take it personally if somebody tells you like, okay, you did tone it down. It's like, well, do I though? Or is it like, can I just have my reaction for a moment and if you know me now, if you know, I'll come back to base, but let, just let me have a little space.

[Krista Reed]

Yeah, it's amazing how quickly we can just as human beings learn how to repress so much of that. I'm going to give you a couple examples that people might be like, why is she crying? So growing up, like for instance, I think like so many of us, like, man, the 90s Saturday Night Live 90s were like creme de la creme. And one of my favorite cast members was Phil Hartman. And I remember hearing, you know, about Phil Hartman and his wife killing him and then killing herself and just absolutely losing it and just bawling so much. But I can't remember how old I was. I'm guessing maybe 14, 15, 16, I don't know, I'm like mid teen age. And then also remembering like when Princess Di died, same thing, bawling, just absolutely crying. I didn't know these people. These people were, you know, the I mean, they were the influencers of the 90s, if you will. And I would, like, cry in silence. And I would have these moments where I am completely just losing it and bawling in silence because it was embarrassing. I did not want people to see me in this way. And I completely understand. And I can see, like, maybe a listener think, well, that's because sometimes, you know, we in society get it in our mind that crying is embarrassing. But it wasn't that. It was because I was crying for somebody that passed. It was because I was crying for somebody that I didn't know who had passed and being completely afraid of. Like, what is my family going to think? Or what is anybody going to think if they know that I'm crying about this in this circumstance when I don't. I don't know these people? And the truth of the matter is, is I still do that today. Like, if there is a death, I will cry about it. Because, again, we just have those deep, deeper levels of empathy that my brain just gets so, like, who gets so. Just, like, intense about it. Like, if there's a. A biopic about somebody, and I know that that biopic is going to showcase that famous person dying about whatever, I will cry before it happens. Because all I can get stuck in my brain is I can't imagine being the daughter of this person and watching their suicide or murder or overdose or however Hollywood is depicting it in the most disgusting manner. Because that's how they always do it. They know. They're never respectful about it. I can't imagine watching that. And that's all I can think about is what it would be like to be that kid. And I can see how some people might say, well, that is. You know, that's. That sounds very obsessive. I'm not obsessing about it. It's simply that I have such a big heart. And that's just where I think, and that's where I go. So when I experience grief or loss on my own, it's so much deeper than I think I can even verbalize because I just. I think about the impact of so many people and I think about, you know, afterlife, and I think about just so many different things. My brain just gets, like. It just. It just goes to so many different places. I can't even explain it. I know you and I have even talked about this in somewhat just being fascinated with, you know, death and grieving and afterlife. But at the same time, you know, there's. There is this sense of. It's. There's a sense of. It's sad. I want the answer.

[Christina Orlova]

It's sad. Well, it is sad. And you're talking about being empathic, like a really deeply empathic where you. You truly. You see something and you really immediately connect on that emotional realm. And everything you're putting words to is more the like. I mean, I think it's almost like this energetic imprint that you're immediately connecting to and all the different sides and elements of that experience. It's like you. You could be there and you. You're picking that up and. And I think, you know, there are people who are in fact, very much like that. They can really, dare I say the word, intuit, feel it, sense it, and be empathic, highly sensitive, whatever words. But. But there are humans who are like that. And, you know, I didn't know about the research that people with OCD actually have or shown to have more of that, but that also would make sense because, you know, folks with ocd, I will say the kind of nuances and things that people pick up are very different than folks who don't have ocd. Not to say it's special or whatever. It's just. Is what it is. But it's more just learning that about yourself for yourself to know. Like, yeah, if I'm having emotions and responding to things and really kind of feeling. Feeling stuff like that's. Let's normalize it. That's okay. And. And you're allowed to feel any and all different things. And like you said, and I love you. Explain that. Like, yeah, it's. Anybody from the outside might say, what are you talking about? You don't even know these people. But you're like, but this is why. Because I can already pick up and kind of be in that place of buck. Like, put yourself in the shoes of being a parent for that, or being the partner or being the, you know, from any angle, and then suddenly, boom, this person, this person isn't there, or however it happens, that they're now not part of your life. You. You can't be with them anymore. It's intense. And this conversation, I mean, I think it's important to note for folks that, you know, this is just opening this conversation up. There's obviously so much in this dialogue. There's so much, of course, from also other cultures and ways that, you know, people engage, interact with when people transition and grief and loss and death and so on. But, you know, I. I also love that you've shared about. From the OCD component and just kind of those. Some of Those key learnings and you know, the different complex feelings or like, wow, this weird thing that you kind of almost like pre grieve a bit, which is I, like I said, I've never even known about that and yet I was kind of doing it and later realized I was doing it right. Or you know, the complex emotions and all that stuff. And so yeah, I think it's going to be valuable for us too. And I want folks to know we're definitely going to be having a part two to this because I think, you know, we're opening up this big conversation, but I think we also want to talk about, well, okay, with all of this. What do you do with this? Right? How do you kind of, how do you maneuver? How do you move through when a big feeling comes up again and it's, and it comes with, well, let's just say baggage, I don't know another word at this moment. But it comes with a lot of things in it, right? There's a lot of things that are connected to that, right? How do you address that? How do you get through that? And that's going to be in our in second part, folks. But yeah, if it's all right with you, do you feel, is there anything else I want to make sure that, you know, you'd like to leave our audience with for, for this particular episode in terms of a message or something to say if people are listening right now and they themselves are going through grief and loss and their OCD is flaring and things are kind of all over the place.

[Krista Reed]

Oh boy. I kind of have like a continuation to my dad thing that I would like to share.

[Christina Orlova]

Oh yeah, absolutely.

[Krista Reed]

And the reason for that is because I think it's a reminder that even though like in this particular situation with my dad, like he's still alive today, that moment that happened eight years ago, these thoughts can still pop up and there's still these thoughts of, but what if he is going to die this year? What if he is about to die? And da da, da, da da. And it can almost attach itself to like different things, themes. And this is one I actually will tell people in my office because I'll give them an example of how to use like a non engagement response in real time. I kind of think it's funny now, but I think, you know, just thinking about your listeners and everything, just to keep in mind that, I mean, doesn't matter how long the traumatic situation, the grief, the loss or whatever happened, OCD doesn't care because OCD doesn't run on this, like, specific timeline, OCD is just like, oh, hey, you know, like that really terrible thing that happened when you were eight. Let's think about that right now and how that's going to potentially ruin you when you're 50. Because it does not care. It doesn't care. It doesn't have the same, like, time, space, continuing that we have in reality. So in. In 2020, big year. Big year for some type of illness. Well, my dad, since the hospitalization, he has multiple sclerosis. To give you, like, some more context, he was really not wanting to have the COVID vaccine when it came out. You know, he had a lot of concerns, like, so many people did, you know, with his ms, how was it going to mix? There's not the researchers, so just a lot of concerns. And so my OCD clung on to a similar theme. Like in 2017, it was almost kind of like it took me back to 2017 and my dad being hospitalized. But as always, it finished the story for me. And in this case, he died. I mean, boy, my OCD has killed my dad so many times. Still very much alive. But I mean, my ocd, for some reason, just, just he's killed that poor dad. I'm sorry, dad. I'm sorry, dad. If you're listening to this, I didn't choose this, okay? It's just because I love you so much. That's why my OCD is clinging on to you so much. Okay? So in 2020, my OCD said, okay, so since your dad is not going to get vaccinated, not only is he going to die, when he does get Covid, which he wasn't sick. It was. He's going to get Covid and he is going to die, and everybody is going to think that you are a horrible daughter because you are not going to find the perfect song to sing at his funeral. So super weird. So for an entire week in private, I was practicing and looking for the perfect SO song to sing for my dad at his. Like, I would be driving home from work looking for, okay, so what are really good songs to sing? Like, what are some songs that maybe had, like, meaning between him and I and just finding. And I said, you know what? This is so dumb. This is my ocd. My dad's not sick. My dad's definitely alive. There's no funeral. And so I had to say, you know what, dad? I'm going to sing Girls, Girls, Girls by Motley Crue at your funeral, and I'm going to bring one of your sisters on stage to Sing with me.

[Christina Orlova]

I love it. Oh, my goodness. What a journey. I know. Wow.

[Krista Reed]

Just so crazy. And how amazing and, like, just how loud it can get. And I also think that, you know, people who have this horrible disorder. I mean, here we are, two clinicians who treat this damn thing, and there's still moments that I get caught. And I could tell you in that moment, I knew it was ocd, but I was so scared that I was going to somehow be to blame for something that was not actually in my reality, that I was going along with it anyways until I just, quite frankly got sick of it. I was like, five days in, I was like, screw this. This is so dumb. This is so dumb.

[Christina Orlova]

Yeah. Well, I'm glad that you finally saw and kind of had that moment of clarity, but my goodness, what a ride.

[Krista Reed]

Aren't they always. They say to ride.

[Christina Orlova]

They really are. Yeah.

[Krista Reed]

Sometimes that wave is a little bit bigger than we were anticipating.

[Christina Orlova]

Well, and so just to summarize, because I, you know, I want to make sure that, I mean, everybody will take whatever they take out of this, but I hope. Hope one of the things that people are taking is in being so candid and vulnerable and open and kind of raw about the experiences and. And really sharing and putting yourself out there, you know, I. I hope what you're getting is just that it's. To normalize this experience and whatever it is for you just to hear that. That this is all the kind of stuff that can come up. It can be complex. You can have contradictory things at the same time. You can have different emotions. You can have funky thoughts where you're like, what is. What. What is? What is this like?

[Krista Reed]

It's not.

[Christina Orlova]

That's not even what's going on. And all of that is. Is the experience. And I'm gonna. I'm gonna just pause that there because again, we're gonna have a part two. We're gonna deeper dive into. Then how do we. How do we work and get through that? But for this part more than anything, at least, that's what I want to leave folks with. It's just to normalize this. That grief and loss and all the. The things that come up. It's okay. Like you said earlier, and I want to echo it and highlight it again. There's no kind of right, wrong way. There's not. It's not a linear process. It's. It just. It. It's. It's a living, breathing experience you're in that you. You're gonna have to just kind of navigate moment by moment. But for today I want to just thank you for coming on and sharing everything beautifully and again, so real and authentic. And if folks who are tuning in right now would like to connect with you or find you, how can they do that?

[Krista Reed]

Well, you can find me on Instagram. It's just my name. It's at Krista Ruthread K R I S T A R U T H R E E r e e d.com there's no.com@instagram. What am I talking about? And my website is just readocd.com and those would be the best ways to get a hold of me.

[Christina Orlova]

Beautiful. Well, thank you so much for coming on the show.

[Krista Reed]

Yeah, thank you so much for having me.

[OCD Whisperer Podcast Announcer]

Thanks for listening to the OCD Whisperer podcast. Remember, freedom from OCD is a journey.

[Christina Orlova]

And you're not alone.

[OCD Whisperer Podcast Announcer]

Visit www.coraresults.com to explore self help master classes like Sneaky Rituals with Jenna Over Bow or or ICBT Masterclass with Christina Inabe. Don't forget to grab your OCD CBT.

[Christina Orlova]

Journal tracker and planner while you're there.

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