Two Child Therapists on Common Parenting Dilemmas: Screens, Co-Parenting, Holidays and More

Summary

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The Parent Chat with Dylan Dreyer

Episode: Two Child Therapists on Common Parenting Dilemmas: Screens, Co-Parenting, Holidays, and More
Date: July 9, 2026
Guests: Sissy Goff & David Thomas (child therapists, authors, podcast hosts of "Raising Boys and Girls")

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Dylan Dreyer sits down with child therapists Sissy Goff and David Thomas to talk through some of the thorniest and most relatable parenting dilemmas: how to help anxious kids, the evolving realities of co-parenting and divorce, the stress of holidays, and the menace and inevitability of screens. Drawing on both their clinical expertise and warm, real-world wisdom, Sissy and David help parents spot anxiety in their children, offer actionable coping strategies, and navigate the complexities of modern family life with grace and humor.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Recognizing and Managing Childhood Anxiety

(Start: 01:07)

• Dylan’s Personal Experience:
  Dylan describes anxiety in her own children—stomach aches, “needing fresh air,” behavioral changes. She asks whether children as young as seven can really feel anxiety.
• David Thomas:
  Children absorb family stress but often “don’t have the words” to express it. Quote:

  “There are certain kids who are kind of like the thermometer outside showing what's happening internally, inside the home, inside of themselves... But they not only don’t have the tools, but they don’t have the words so often.” (03:51)

• Sissy Goff:
  Points out important indicators: “out of character” behavior and regression (e.g., trouble sleeping, toileting accidents, returning to earlier behaviors). Quote:

  “We talk a lot about the first indicator light of watching for things that feel out of character, or evidence of regression.” (04:54)

2. Physical Manifestations of Anxiety

(05:44)

• Anxiety and Physical Symptoms:
  Discussion on how anxiety often shows up as stomachaches, especially when there is an existing physical health issue (like celiac disease).
• The Science:
  David: Anxiety causes a shift in the body, particularly affecting the digestive system. The amygdala’s activation affects physical well-being. Quote:

  “When we get anxious, the blood vessels in our brains constrict... it shifts the blood flow to the amygdala, which dictates fight or flight.” (06:21)

3. Coping Strategies and "Calm Down" Techniques

(07:05)

• Somatic Strategies:
  • Boys often need a physical outlet first (running, jumping, punching a pillow) before traditional calming methods like breathing work.
    Sissy: “Boys have a lot of physicality to their emotions...” (07:05)
  • Girls often benefit from breathing exercises first before movement.
• 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Technique:
  Using the senses to ground children in anxious moments (visual, auditory, smell, touch, taste). (07:54)
• Calm Down Corners:
  • Safe, designated space for expression and release (especially for boys).
    Sissy: “...it's always okay to scream into a pillow, never okay to scream at a family member.” (08:10)
  • Dylan shares her experience:

    “Because of you, I have a calm down corner for Calvin. It was literally the thing that... he would ask to go there... he knows how to breathe now, he knows how to regulate himself.” (09:09)

4. Tailoring Approaches for Each Child’s Temperament

(10:06)

• Personalizing Strategies:
  Children express anxiety differently; some explode, some implode. Parents need to observe and experiment to find out what helps each individual child.
  • Quote from Sissy:

    “It's an incredible, worthwhile exploration for every parent to take that journey with kids... helping them figure out... what's something that maybe works for me now.” (11:28)

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5. Navigating Divorce and Co-Parenting

(15:06)

• When to Stay, When to Separate:
  David stresses the importance of parental intuition over external advice.

  “...there are a lot of experts saying a lot of things... we believe it's making parents doubt their own intuition.” (15:47)

• Age-Appropriate Honesty:
  Sissy encourages giving information in doses, answering kids’ questions honestly and in age-appropriate ways, then letting them lead the conversation.

  “Kids have an internal thermometer that allows them to know the information they're capable of working with.” (17:12)

  • Compare these difficult conversations to swimming: “They can only go underwater for so long and then they're ready to come up and catch a breath.” (18:12)
• Co-Parenting Dynamics:
  • Kids may misinterpret friendly co-parenting (“parent trap phenomenon”); David advises brief, pleasant interactions—“like a drive through window.”

    “That sense that there's this moment that passes between you—they can slip back into that.” (19:25)

  • On holidays:

    “I really recommend that parents not do holidays together... what we’ve seen happen... if one gets remarried... the new person is the reason you’re not together.” (20:43)

• Children’s Resilience:
  Sissy:

  “Kids are capable of navigating any significant life transition as long as they have at least one safe, steady adult in their lives.” (21:22)

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6. Technology and Screen Time

(21:58)

• Physical and Emotional Impact:
  • Dylan: Devices “turn kids into zombies” and provoke difficult behavior during transitions off-device.
  • Sissy and David: Fast-paced stimuli, dopamine, and the always-on connectivity all have measurable negative effects, like “activating their amygdala,” leading to greater anxiety and social challenges. (22:40)
• Social Media & FOMO:
  • Fears about exclusion and the social comparison effect—kids believe they're alone if they're left out of group chats or events.
• "Next to Last" Rule:

  “You don’t want to be the first [to give your kid a device]; you also don’t want to be the last… So be the next to last.” (23:43)

• Age Recommendations:
  • Reference to Jonathan Haidt: No smartphones before high school; social media at 16 if possible.
    “The later the better.” (24:56)
• Parental Authority:
  Dylan: “Some things you just have to lay down the law.” (25:27)

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7. Parenting Dilemmas: "Big Deal or Small Deal?"

(28:05)

An interactive segment where Sissy and David weigh in on common parent worries:

• Having a “Favorite” Child:
  • Small deal. It's normal for parents to feel closer to one child at certain times, as long as it doesn’t impede connections with others. (28:36)
• Disliking Child’s Friend:
  • Small deal. Friendships are fluid; kids' tastes and choices change. (29:01)
• White Lies About Pets/Vacations:
  • Small deal. Parents often fib for convenience; not harmful.
• Sibling Fighting:
  • Small deal. Conflict builds important social “muscles” and skills. Focus on helping kids repair after fights. (31:24)
• Secret Social Media Accounts:
  • Big deal, due to safety/danger. But also recognize mistakes are part of learning; handle openly and with consequences, not panic. (32:32)
  • David:

    “...just easier if we can go ahead and say, let's talk about what's happened. Here are some consequences. And here’s how we move forward and build trust back.” (33:33)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Anxiety Tools:
  Dylan:

  “He really just... knows how to breathe now. He knows how to regulate himself. I know how to talk to him.” (09:09)

• On Parenting Intuition:
  David:

  “Your intuition is your superpower and anybody who's listening to this, it's the same. So we just would say trust your gut on what you feel like your kids need the most.” (15:47)

• On Children’s Questions About Divorce:
  Sissy:

  “If they're asking a question, I can give a factual, age appropriate answer and then follow their lead...” (17:12)

• On Sibling Fighting:
  Sissy:

  “If it's not clumsy in certain moments, there's not as much opportunity for skill development.” (31:51)

• On Children’s Resilience:
  Sissy:

  “Kids are capable of navigating any significant life transition as long as they have at least one safe, steady adult in their lives.” (21:22)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Childhood Anxiety & Physical Symptoms – 01:07 to 07:44
• Coping Techniques (Breathing, Movement, Calm Down Corners) – 07:44 to 12:38
• Divorce, Intuition, and Co-Parenting – 15:06 to 21:22
• Screen Time, Technology Use, and Social Media – 21:58 to 25:27
• Big Deal/Small Deal Rapidfire Segment – 28:05 to 33:51

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Conclusion

This practical, heartfelt episode arms parents with real-life strategies for handling anxiety, technology, co-parenting and those everyday parenting uncertainties that don’t need to keep you up at night. Sissy Goff and David Thomas combine field-tested advice, warmth, and wit—emphasizing individualized approaches, honest communication, and trusting your gut as a parent.

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For more, follow Dylan Dreyer or Today Parents on Instagram and join the conversation.

Transcript

[Commercial Narrator]

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[Dylan Dreyer]

I have a calm down corner for Calvin. I mean, it was literally the thing that kind of he would ask to go there and he knew when he was starting to get riled up and we put in pillows and he's like, I can really punch a pillow. I'm like, yes, please, please punch a pillow. Like I want to punch a pillow sometimes, you know you're not going to hurt the pillow. Hi everyone. Welcome to another episode of the Parent Chat. There is a lot of anxiety going on with our children. It's starting earlier, it's starting younger, and boys and girls alike. There is this anxiety epidemic that we are currently dealing with and as parents, we don't always know how to handle it. I've dealt with it firsthand with Calvin. He was getting bellyaches all the time like clockwork. Every night after dinner he'd get this belly ache. And once I ruled out it was any physical issue, I found out it was anxiety. Well, what do I do with a seven year old at the time who's dealing with anxiety? How do you talk to a kid who's going through it? How do you navigate those feelings and those emotions? Sissy Goff and David Thomas are therapists, authors, and they're co hosts of the podcast Raising Boys and Girls. Sissy specializes in girls and David specializes in boys, and they've become dear friends of mine, helping me navigate some of the anxiety issues that Calvin has been through. They also have a new book out called Capable and they really specialize in helping parents navigate anxiety with their children. They give you the tools you need to get through what could Be a very difficult time. Here's our conversation. Oh my gosh, it is so nice to see you guys in person.

[David Thomas]

Person.

[Dylan Dreyer]

Thank you for being here. And then when I had some issues in my family, I reached out to you guys first because my kids were going through a tough time. And. And you guys have helped my family through so much. I think as a parent, it's so important for us to be kind of hyper aware of these emotions. And I. And that's why I had first reached out to you guys, because I noticed Calvin's actions were not typical Calvin actions. Right. He was angry, he had a bellyache before bed. He was kind of hyperventilating where he's like, I need some fresh air. I need some fresh air. And you know, we were living in an apartment at the time, so we had to go all the way outside and bring him outside to get him some fresh air. And I was like, what is going on? What am I doing as a parent that's causing this angst in his life? Right. And just different life events that were happening in our family at the time. It made sense that Calvin was going through a difficult time, but I thought he was too young for that. He was seven, I guess, when I first talked to you guys about it. But seven's not too young, is it? I mean, they're feeling all the feels and do they just not have the tools to know how to get through it, what's going on?

[David Thomas]

So often they don't have the tools yet, but they absorb it. I always think there are certain kids who are kind of like the thermometer outside showing what's happening internally, inside the home, inside of themselves. But they. They don't. They not only don't have the tools, but they don't have the words so often. And so we don't know what's going on. And it's such a picture of you and who you are, Dylan, that you were so dialed into him that you could tell this isn't normal for him. And that's really what's most important because then we can step in and help.

[Dylan Dreyer]

And I feel like it was easier for me to be dialed into Calvin. He's my first. He had the most attention. Right. Like, and then I'm thinking of Ollie and Rusty again. Right now they're 6 and 4, but they're starting to show maybe some signs of what could be anxiety. I notice in myself I'm not as dialed in and I'm like, are they just being quiet? Is Rusty just being a four year Old who has these tantrums or could this be a sign of anxiety? What is a, a parent supposed to look for? What is off in your child that, that you should be, you know, you should start thinking about.

[Sissy Goff]

Well, it's tricky. I think even as you were talking about birth order, like birth order is a key component where it often does present so differently. And then temperaments. One more layer where we might see evidence of things that feel really different from a classic firstborn. You're sitting with two firstborn. I think there's a lot about the firstborn profile that does show up differently in the world. But we talk a lot about the first indicator light of watching for things that feel out of character, which is exactly what you were doing. Or evidence of regression. Kids going backwards more than forwards. So kids who've slept successfully through the night, who are struggling to climb out of bed and come to their parents room with regularity, Kids who may maybe had successfully toilet trained, who are having accidents. Things that feel really different or like movement backwards, that goes on with consistencies.

[Dylan Dreyer]

My oldest has celiac disease, right. So he typically gets stomach aches, which is kind of why his initial stomach aches went under the radar.

[David Thomas]

So hard to tell.

[Dylan Dreyer]

And a friend of mine was saying she's taking her daughter to the doctor because she has stomach aches. I'm like, oh well, watch out for celiac disease. You know, I'm like always the celiac parent. And I asked what the diagnosis was and the doctor said anxiety. And I was like, no way. Because Calvin kind of dealt with that too. I feel like so many of my friends, kids, the doctors are diagnosing their kids with anxiety, but with no tools to fix it. So what do we do about it?

[David Thomas]

We have several layers of things we would typically recommend. And one of the first things that's so simple, but, you know, again, they don't know what to do. All they know is something is taking over their bodies in those moments. And you know, what's happening when we're sitting here calmly is we have blood flowing all throughout our brain, including going to the prefrontal cortex. That helps us think rationally and manage our emotions. When we get anxious, the blood vessels in our brains constrict and it shifts the blood flow to the amygdala, which dictates fight or flight, sometimes freeze, depending on the kid, it's gonna look different. And so when we can start with some breathing, I mean as magic, it just dilates the blood vessels in the brain and shifts the blood flow back. But you say something different for boys. First, a lot of times with boys,

[Sissy Goff]

oftentimes we have to start with movement. So boys have a lot of physicality to their emotions. It's why toddler age boys are more prone to biting, hitting, kicking, screaming, throwing. Teenage boys a little more prone to punching holes in drywall. And that need for release is something we can't pay too much attention to. Now what we do with that release could be good or bad. And so often before boys could get to the benefits of breathing, they need to do some moving. So running laps in the driveway or shooting hoops in the backyard, jumping on a trampoline, something that provides a movement based so that they could calm themselves enough to get the benefits of breathing second.

[Dylan Dreyer]

So move first, then, then go into

[David Thomas]

breathe and then girls can breathe and then move and then move. Yes.

[Dylan Dreyer]

So as a parent, how do you get your kid to do that?

[David Thomas]

We love 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Anything employing the senses is going to help them out of the looping anxious thoughts. So tell me five things you see, tell me four things you hear. I'll get the senses backwards. Tell me three things you smell, two things you feel, one thing you taste.

[Sissy Goff]

With BO, I love the idea of a calm down corner. So some kind of space in a house where boys can go to release that physicality. And when we're teaching this concept with kids, we've got a lot of oversized pillows in our office. So we'll talk about how it's always okay to scream into a pillow, never okay to scream at a family member. It's okay to punch a pillow. Pillow's not hurt. You don't want to ever punch your brother. Giving them these different outlets, rather than just saying what I think we can mistakenly say to a lot of kids, we should stop being so angry. But I'm not giving you a constructive outlet of what to do with that emotion of anger. So the calm down corner, particularly if we build that with boys, I love helping them brainstorm some of what could go in that. And I often will recommend parents go to a used sporting goods store and get a kickstand that they use at martial arts studios. And a lot of boys are drawn to even just the fun of that. So it's like, I can tell you're having big feelings. Let's head to the calm down corner. Even let them name their calm down corner.

[Dylan Dreyer]

I will vouch for that 100%. Because of you, I have a calm down corner. For Calvin, I mean, it was literally the thing that kind of he would ask to go there. And he knew when he was starting to get riled up. And the workbook you sent me, you know, when Calvin was first kind of having these bouts of anxiety, I went through it with him every night. We read books together, but we were reading a chapter from the workbook. And the calm down corner was part of the. One of the activities we were doing together. And we put in pillows and he's like, I can really punch a pillow. I'm like, yes, please, please punch a pillow. Like I want to punch a pillow sometimes. You know, you're not going to hurt the pillow. And he hasn't needed to use it in a little while because he's. He really just. He knows how to breathe now. He knows how to regulate himself. I know how to talk to him. But now I'm noticing. I think I need these calm down corners for the other two, you know, because Oliver will certainly.

[Sissy Goff]

He's.

[Dylan Dreyer]

He kind of gets really quiet. He's.

[David Thomas]

He's more of an imploder.

[Dylan Dreyer]

Yes. And you try to talk to him and he doesn't. He's fine, he's fine. He's fine. He doesn't want to answer the questions. I try to word the questions differently. But if he gets upset, like he. He threw a baseball yesterday. Calvin didn't catch it. Dented the car. I happened to be at a window where I heard it happen. So I opened the window. I'm like, what? And I just got mad. He didn't even need me to say anything to him. He went to his room, he cried for a while, didn't want me to talk to him. And then he came out of the room and like started to. We have like a little pull up bar in their room. And he like started just doing pull ups, Just silly pull ups, you know, like he was more just like hanging and flipping and all that kind of stuff. But it got him back on track. He was smiling and he was happy again. Even though I was still mad. I was really mad. It's my new minivan. How could you have dented my new minivan? And then Rusty. He's just a puncher. Like he just. If his brothers are bothering him or if anything's on his mind, he just. He punches them or you know, like he'll. He'll say at night, like he'll just kind of start crying, you know. So he's just like very like outward with his emotions. But something like a calm down corner or a routine. How important is that to find exactly what each kid needs and how can A parent find exactly what each kid needs to do.

[Sissy Goff]

I think it is an incredible, worthwhile exploration for every parent to take that journey with kids and I think helping them figure out two things. One is how can I pay better attention to when I feel these signs and signals in my body? And what I think is the long game journey within this is them not only paying attention, but figuring out in different seasons what's something that maybe works for me now. I can remember when my kids are young adults now, but when they were in college calling to check in on one of them and it was about time for exams and saying like, how's it going? And. And he said, dad, I feel really stressed. And so I ran three miles this morning and it was that long journey. Benefit of I've been paying attention to these things along the way and this is a great outlet for me in this season of life to get that release. So I love that you're taking that journey right now.

[Dylan Dreyer]

Yeah, I'm trying, you know, thanks to you guys. What is the science behind the belly aches? I remember getting belly aches. I couldn't leave the house. I would always have like a secret little bottle of water I would keep with me. So my parents didn't yell at me, but I would. I always just wanted water by my side because I knew I was going to get a belly ache. What, what is the science behind a bellyache and anxiety?

[David Thomas]

I mean, there are so many shifts that happen in our bodies when we get anxious and one of those is our digestive system changes. And so it really does impact. It's all driven by that amygdala that we were talking about. And so it, it's this ripple effect and our stomachs are part of it. If we could take across development, basically the scariest thing they can imagine is where they get stuck in the loop. And so we'll see it shift from little bitty ones being away from mom or dad. And then the amount of kids we've seen over the years who've been to one birthday party and one person throws up.

[Dylan Dreyer]

Yes.

[David Thomas]

So then anytime they feel the least bit funky, they think, oh no, I'm

[Dylan Dreyer]

going to throw up. I'm going to throw up.

[David Thomas]

Your body?

[Dylan Dreyer]

That was my fear. Yes.

[David Thomas]

And then they throw up. I mean, we see so many kids who vomit before school in the morning, which is again, goes back to the idea of how do we help them learn these calming techniques that it shifts their body back to their thinking brain and their body to the rest and digest state is what we call it.

[Dylan Dreyer]

Stay with us. We'll be right back after the break.

[Commercial Narrator]

Now is your time to get into a new Dr. Horton home by taking advantage of its national red tag sales event. This Friday, July 10th through Sunday, August 2nd, stop by any of its participating communities and find select red tag homes at incredible pricing. So whether you're buying your first home or looking for an upgrade, you don't want to miss the red tag sales event. Starting this Friday, discover the Dr. Horton difference. Visit Dr. Horton.com Dr. Horton, America's builder and equal housing opportunity builder at Etsy.

We want to know what moments mean the most to you. Whether it's buying a home or hosting a party, there's an Etsy seller with the perfect original pieces to help you celebrate. Celebrate being human. For my family, I'm always at my best. That's why I also want the best in my kitchen. And that means only Eggland's best eggs. They're always so fresh tasting and delicious with 6 times more vitamin D, 10 times more vitamin E, and 25% less saturated fat than ordinary eggs. So why give your family less when they can have the best Egglands best? Better taste, better nutrition, better eggs. For added convenience, look for our hard cooked, peeled eggs.

[Dylan Dreyer]

I want to talk about divorce. It's not something any, you know, parent wishes on their kids, but, you know, relationships take turns, things happen and sometimes that's just how it ends, right? A relationship ends in divorce, but there are kids involved. I think the old school mentality is stay together for your kids, wait till they graduate high school. I thought about that for a little bit, you know, but I just, I felt like I could have a better relationship with their dad with divorce and we can be better parents for the kids. What, what do you do when there are kids involved? What is the best advice?

[David Thomas]

That's a hard question, because every situation is so different. And we would say trust your intuition just like you did. And, and we have talked so much lately about how this is bigger than divorce, but that, that there are a lot of experts saying a lot of things right now through our devices and that we believe it's making parents doubt their own intuition. And your intuition, I mean, Dylan sitting with you, it's so obvious your intuition is your superpower and anybody who's listening to this, it's the same. And so we just would say trust your gut on what you feel like your kids need the most because there are times that they don't need you to stay in it and it's more damaging for them. And there are times that maybe for them to see you go another round of counseling and see if you can work it out is great for them too.

[Dylan Dreyer]

Yeah. How do you handle their emotions? Because they don't know. You know, I shield them from what I'm going through. Right. I would never say anything bad about their dad and he would never say anything bad about me to them. Right. Like, we're their parents, we love them. They are surrounded by nothing but love. So they don't know the nitty gritty. They don't know all the details. They might not understand it. They might blame one parent. Like, it's your fault that you guys aren't together anymore. You know, like, how do you handle their questions? And how do you make sure that they're okay with a decision they don't really understand?

[Sissy Goff]

One rule of thumb we talk a lot about is how we really believe that kids have an internal thermometer that allows them to know the information they're capable of working with and that they'll ask questions in different moments, all on the way if they can absorb that information. And so we can then trust. If they're asking a question, I can give a factual, age appropriate answer and then follow their lead on if they want to talk more or ask more or if that's as far as they needed to go in that moment. And I've had a lot of parents of boys in particular over the years who've answered a question and then kept talking more, only to find their sons saying, can we be done talking right now?

[Dylan Dreyer]

I noticed that, yes, because they will ask a little bit and I'll answer that I'm always very honest with them and I answer again, age appropriately, they're their questions. But then I think we're going to have another deep conversation and they're on to the next. Can I have a play date? Can I go outside? It's. It's interesting. So I guess you kind of have to take the kids lead.

[David Thomas]

Yes.

[Sissy Goff]

We talk about conversations in doses and it's a little like the way kids navigate swimming in a pool. Like they can only go underwater for so long and then they're ready to come up and catch a breath. And we as adults can stay underwater longer, we can stay in harder conversations longer. But allowing them to move in and out of the harder conversations and back into play, it's honestly a really healthy way of coping that we can tend to lose as adults.

[Dylan Dreyer]

I find sometimes, you know, when it comes to co parenting, like if the kids see us too happy together, Right. If we're joking or laughing, well, why aren't you guys still together? Right? Like there's always still that underlying reason why the divorce happened in the first place. So what is the proper way to co parent? Can you be? I mean, I want them to see us happy. That's why we did this. Right. And we can be happier separated than together. But is that confusing for kids, you know? Cause I always remember my parents are separated and I, even to this day, I'm 44 and I see my parents laughing and smiling. I'm like, oh, maybe they do like each other, you know, and it's like, so how do you not get your kids hopes up but still be happy and you know, in a relationship that they should see?

[David Thomas]

The parent trap phenomenon is real. I mean, I remember I had these really sweet neighbors who were getting divorced and their son came over and he was pressure washing, he was probably 11, he was pressure washing my driveway. And we were sitting talking afterwards and I was just saying, how are you doing with all this? And he said, I'm fine, I'm okay. And his parents were across the street and they hugged and he said, oh

[Dylan Dreyer]

my goodness, they hug, dad.

[Commercial Narrator]

Oh, wow.

[David Thomas]

And I just, oh, it just broke my heart for him. And that's a picture of kids hold on to a lot of hope. And just like you said, if there's a sense that there's this moment that passes between you, I think they can slip back into that. So I heard someone say once, I don't know if I've ever said this to you, that it should really be your interaction, should be like a drive through window, that you are so pleasant with each other and they just don't last long. And one thing I would say too, Dylan, and this is so specific, and I met with a couple who was getting divorced two weeks ago and talked about this very thing, which is strange if you're not anywhere near this. But I really recommend that parents not do holidays together, not do events together. Because what I think happened, what we've seen happen so many times, is then if one gets remarried, the reason you're not together is that other person is the new person.

[Dylan Dreyer]

Yes, it's their fault. Oh, that's interesting.

[David Thomas]

And so kindness is so important. It is fabulous when you can get along and we have a friend whose parents are divorced and they do holidays together with new spouses. So if you can sustain that, then that's great.

[Commercial Narrator]

Yes.

[David Thomas]

But if you can't. Yeah, you don't want to have 10 band aids ripped off along the way to go ahead and make the change

[Dylan Dreyer]

while all this stuff is happening. Like, I'm just imagining if, if Christmas comes and we're not all together, right? Like, do you have those conversations beforehand? How, how much credit do you give kids that they can handle these reality type conversations?

[Sissy Goff]

You know, the research has long said, and I think always will say, that kids are capable of navigating any significant life transition as long as they have at least one safe, steady adult in their lives. So if kids have two safe, steady adults, grandparents and circles of village, it's just icing on the cake at that point. And so they're capacity is extraordinary if that is firmly in place. And then we talk them through and give them space to ask the questions they need to ask about what it feels like to navigate these new significant milestones in different ways.

[Dylan Dreyer]

I want to focus on technology. I just don't let my kids have it. I mean, I just, I would rather play Nintendo and play video games with them on a tv. I would rather watch movies with them. Even those Spaceballs probably is not appropriate for a four year old, but they laughed and loved every minute of it. I just, I can't stand the phone and the iPad. They are different people when they're on it. They're like zombies over in the corner. They're not nice when you have to take it away. They're fine when you turn off a tv, but if you turn off an iPad, they are just mean little monsters. What is going on with technology? What physically impacts children?

[David Thomas]

Yes, there's so much that physically impacts children, I mean from dopamine, that there's so much happening in their brains that we don't want to be happening. Released by screen, created by screen. And I had a girl, a teenage girl that I was counseling who was really anxious and I talked to her psychiatrist and she said just the amount that's coming at them so quickly visually, it is actually activating their amygdala. So it's making them more anxious. Anxious in the moment too. From a physical standpoint. There's so many things that we could talk about that screens are doing. Certainly socially, there's so much being impacted right now that we're seeing social anxiety worse than ever before because of screens.

[Dylan Dreyer]

Is it that fomo? Is it just watching other people post the best of their life and you think your life doesn't even compare to that? I mean, how do you keep kids off of screens yet also not feel like they're the only ones, you know, and they're left out of everything else their friends are doing.

[David Thomas]

We have a rule of thumb with screens and whether it's their first tablet, whether it's social media, whatever it is, that you don't want to be the first because then they're often going to be more cutting edge. You don't want your kids to be that. You also don't want them to be the last. Because really our job is to teach them responsible technology use while we're around and we can help them when they make a mistake, which they will in this day and time. And so we genuinely say to parents all the time, so be the next to last. I mean, keep abreast of your community and where, what kids have and what they're using and when. I mean, and I love, I see parents all the time, you probably do too, who will come in and say, we know the next to last rule and that's what we've done. Everybody's there almost, except for us. And so they're hopping on and that way you're keeping them because. And probably because I work primarily with girls. There is a point that that's all the communication, it's all happening there. But we want to hold off as long as we possibly can.

[Dylan Dreyer]

Yeah. Is there an age where screens or social media can be considered, you know, like up until this age, absolutely not. But after this age, sure. Like, what is that age?

[David Thomas]

Jonathan Haidt, you know, has said high school for a smartphone and social media at 16, which I think can be wonderful if it feels like again, in the next to last range. If you can hold off that long, that is amazing for kids. And if it means your child doesn't know when things are happening, isn't included at all, then I think it's probably okay a little younger. So I really would kind of stay within that sense of community. But the later the better.

[Dylan Dreyer]

Yeah. I told 16. I'm like, just not happening. Just stop asking. He also wants to wear sweatpants to school. I'm like, also not happening. You're wearing jeans to school. I think nobody else is wearing jeans. I'm like, well, it's almost short season, so you don't have to worry about it.

[Sissy Goff]

Yeah.

[Dylan Dreyer]

So, yeah, I mean, there are some things you just have to lay down.

[Commercial Narrator]

The law.

[State Farm Representative]

Exactly.

[Dylan Dreyer]

More of the parent chat after the break.

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[State Farm Representative]

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[Dylan Dreyer]

I really love the Start Today app.

[Sissy Goff]

They care about how I feel.

[Dylan Dreyer]

It's the staff on the app. It's the connections you make.

[Sissy Goff]

Without good mental and physical health, you have nothing.

[Dylan Dreyer]

It tells me how to cook to keep myself healthy.

[David Thomas]

I look at my app and I'm

[Sissy Goff]

like, wow, I didn't know I did 7,000 steps today.

[Commercial Narrator]

Start Today meets you where you are.

[Sissy Goff]

Download the Start Today Wellness app now

[Dylan Dreyer]

on your Apple or Android device.

[Commercial Narrator]

Terms Apply C App for details.

[Dylan Dreyer]

We normally do this thing called Parent Confessions, but I want to give you guys a couple of things. I have some paddles here, okay. And we're gonna go through what's a small deal and what's a big deal, right? And then we can kind of talk about each one. Like which one do us parents not need to really worry about?

[David Thomas]

Okay. It'd be fun to see if we agree.

[Dylan Dreyer]

So the first one here, a parent admits to you that they have a favorite child.

[Guest or Additional Narrator]

Mm.

[Dylan Dreyer]

A small deal. See, I would think that's a big deal because in my head I'm thinking there are times I have a favorite child.

[Sissy Goff]

I think it's the honesty of a parent saying that, because I think every one of us has had that experience in some moment or in some Season. Yes.

[Dylan Dreyer]

Okay.

[Sissy Goff]

So I don't think that's a big deal now if we find that it is getting in the way of the connection we want to have with our other kids. And that's something to explore. But I think it's an honest confession.

[Dylan Dreyer]

Okay.

[David Thomas]

We talk so much about how in all these years of doing this work, we really believe every parent has one child who pushes their buttons the most.

[Dylan Dreyer]

Yes.

[David Thomas]

And it's often the oldest of their same gender or the one that's most like them.

[Dylan Dreyer]

Interesting.

[David Thomas]

And so I think it might feel like another is your favorite. And it's not necessarily even that that's the case. It's just that the other one maybe brings up more of your stuff.

[Dylan Dreyer]

What if a parent tells you that they just don't like their kid's best friend? Is that a big deal or a small deal? Small, really. Because I think if I don't like my kid's best friend, they're gonna grow up and they're gonna just be bad kids together. Like, how can you regulate who your kids are friends with so that they're not mixed up in a wrong crowd? I guess.

[Sissy Goff]

Well, I think it's important to know first, we can't choose our kids friends. And I usually finish that sentence by saying to parents, how many adults do you know whose best friend now is exactly who is their best friend in first grade? So I think having that long game perspective of a lot of friendships run their course. And I find a lot of boys in certain seasons are really drawn to what I call charismatic characters. So it may be the funniest, loudest, most obnoxious guy in certain seasons and doesn't mean his capacity for choosing good friends is off. That barometer's broken in some way. But just in that season, he's more drawn to. And in certain seasons, boys are. And then I watch boys move out of that and find their way to friends who are more steady and loyal and interesting.

[Dylan Dreyer]

How about let's say your kid wants something like a pet or to go on a particular vacation. Is it okay for parents to lie about why they can't exactly have that pet?

[Sissy Goff]

A fantastic question.

[Dylan Dreyer]

Yes. I'm gonna go small deal. So little white lies are okay. I feel like my parents told a lot of them when I was little.

[David Thomas]

Yeah. But I was curious what you were gonna say, because we. We're huge fans of pets for kids as therapists. I mean, the amount of kids who will say to me. I mean, I remember a girl specifically saying, the person I talked to most when my dad died was my dog.

[Sissy Goff]

Oh, wow.

[Dylan Dreyer]

What about when your kid is constantly fighting with another child? I mean, right now I'm dealing with it. You know, Rusty, his go to is to kind of like backhand one of the other ones if they're too close to him. But even as they get older, I know some siblings who just fight and they just do not get along. Is that a big deal or a small deal, or is that just part of the relationships they have to go through? Really small deal.

[Sissy Goff]

And the good news in that is that we tend to forget. It's easy to forget, I think, with sibling conflict, but even peer conflict, that that's where kids are building social muscles. And if it's not clumsy in certain moments, there's not as much opportunity for skill development. I mean, every parent living would say, I'd rather they just get along all the time. There wouldn't be that opportunity for skill development. So it's. It's the flip side of the conflict that I think is helpful and makes sense.

[David Thomas]

And what's most important is helping them move toward repair.

[Sissy Goff]

Yes.

[David Thomas]

That really the degree of fighting is not a predictor of their friendships in adulthood, but helping them learn to work through it in healthy ways can be such an important tool in that.

[Dylan Dreyer]

And just one more question. I think I know what you guys are going to say for the child who creates a secret social media account that their parents are not aware of. I know there are also other sites that, you know, other social media sites that kids can go to and create an account account that they don't think their parent is aware of. Is that a big deal or a small deal? You're torn.

[Sissy Goff]

I'm going to say big deal in the sense of the dangers that exist in that space that kids could find their way to. Small deal in the sense of they're going to fumble the ball in their use of technology. No different than they're going to have a fender bender and learning to drive. We talk a lot about the comparisons between those two, so we don't need to panic when kids make mistakes. But we absolutely want to have awareness knowing that there's some really scary things happening out there in the world. And we've heard way too many of those scary stories to not feel like there's not a big deal part of that.

[Dylan Dreyer]

Do you let them know if you find that secret account?

[David Thomas]

Yeah, I think so. We have a lot of parents who will bring their kids in for counseling and say, I found a secret account. Will you get them to talk about it, which is, you know, it's just easier if we can go ahead and say let's talk about what's happened. Here are some consequences.

[Dylan Dreyer]

Yes.

[David Thomas]

And here's how we move forward and build trust back.

[Dylan Dreyer]

You guys are so wonderful. Thank you so much.

[David Thomas]

Thank you for having us.

[Dylan Dreyer]

Yeah. I'm just so glad to share everything you guys have to offer with, with a different audience and just to continue to build the people that just love you. So thank you so much.

[State Farm Representative]

Thank you.

[Dylan Dreyer]

Do you see why I love them so much? I'm, I mean, they have helped me through some difficult times in my kids lives and their advice is so practical. There's not going to be a kid out there who doesn't feel anxious or go through periods of anxiety at some point in their life. And as parents, I think we really need the tools to help them get through it. So these are the tools you need. This is what you need to know to help your kids get through some of the most difficult times in their life. They need, need to be able to come to us. And to be honest, some of these tips to get through these anxious moments I use as an adult. And maybe you can too. So I'd really love to know what you think, share your comments, share your opinions. Just go below and write some of those things down. And also you can follow us on Instagram at Today Parents Orylan Dryer, NBC and DM us there too. Thanks so much for watching. We'll see you next time. Bye bye. This episode was produced by Ann La with audio production by Kenneth Villalobos. Rachel Paula Abramson is our parenting reporter. Our senior producer is Tyree Nobles. Our audio engineer is Joe Plourd. Our head of audio production is Jessica Fenton. Ashley Domagola is our production manager. Sadie Bass is our supervising producer. And Ariana Davis is the executive editor of the Today Show. I'm Dylan Dreyer and this has been the Parent Chat, a production of the Today Show. We'll see you next week.

[Commercial Narrator]

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