The Pediatrician Next Door – Ep. 138: How to Help an Anxious Child: Parenting Strategies That Ease—Or Increase—Anxiety

Overview

In this episode, Dr. Wendy Hunter, a practicing pediatrician, explores the complexities of childhood anxiety, focusing on parenting strategies that can either ease or exacerbate a child’s worries. Joined by Dr. Natasha Burgert, pediatrician and author of Managing Childhood Anxiety for Dummies, the episode dives into practical tools, the dangers of “walking on eggshells,” and actionable advice for parents who want to foster resilience in their anxious children.

Main Topics & Key Insights

1. Recognizing When Anxiety Has Become a Problem

(00:51–05:54)

• Dr. Hunter introduces the common parental feeling of "walking on eggshells" around their anxious child.
• She investigates when this is normal and when it signals “things have reached a level of worry or anxiety that it’s time for us to be concerned about.”

  “If parents are tiptoeing around their child, that's a red flag, not just for the child's anxiety, but for the whole family.” — Dr. Hunter (05:54)

Notable Quote:

“When I hear a parent come in and say, we’re walking on eggshells around them, that means that something is likely off.” — Dr. Natasha Burgert (05:08)

2. The Pitfalls of Avoidance and Accommodation

(05:54–11:38)

• Dr. Burgert explains how accommodating or avoiding triggers for an anxious child often reinforces their fear, worsening anxiety over time.
• Providing everyday examples (dogs, school, vaccines), she reveals that the comfort parents provide by rearranging life around anxiety is short-term and ultimately harmful.

Notable Advice:

“You are teaching that kid’s brain to say, yep, I’m right. Dogs are definitely something I need to be fearful of...rather than, I know that you’re scared...let me help you through that.” — Dr. Burgert (07:21)

• Hunter emphasizes:

  “Parents think they're protecting their child, but what they're really protecting is the anxiety.” (09:10)

3. Enabling Anxiety—How the List Grows

(10:11–11:38)

• Burgert describes the snowball effect: “The list gets longer. So it started out as dogs and now it’s gonna be all four legged fluffy things...The brain doesn’t know the dog's not a threat, it only knows the pattern of avoidance.”

  “That is support. That is helping their child through it. That is the solution. There is no shortcut...” — Dr. Burgert (11:18)

4. Therapy for Kids vs. Coaching for Parents

(11:38–13:39)

• Dr. Hunter explains that traditional therapy often isn’t effective for younger anxious kids; instead, parents should learn practical strategies themselves, as they’re best placed to implement them daily.

5. Parenting Styles and the Anxiety Spectrum

(15:39–17:54)

• Dr. Hunter discusses different parenting styles: authoritarian, permissive, and helicopter.
• Dr. Burgert explains:
  • Helicopter parents, despite good intentions, create insecurity and lack of resilience.
  • Overly strict parents can also raise anxious kids due to fear-based parenting.
  • The optimal approach is “meeting in the middle,” setting compassionate boundaries with support and consistent reassurance.

“Those kids really don’t even...get a chance to practice being uncomfortable and overcoming it. And that’s important practice.” — Dr. Burgert (15:56)

6. What Actually Works: Practical Strategies

(17:54–24:02)

• Predictability & Routine:

  “Kids with anxiety need a lot of predictability in their lives. They like a lot of routine. They like to know what to expect...” — Dr. Burgert (17:54)

• Clear Boundaries and Consistency: Inconsistent reactions make anxious kids worse.
• Collaborative Behavior Management:

  “Behavior management is a partnership...through conversations and through compassion.” (18:19)

Scenario—Routine Disruption:

(18:59–20:33)

• Example: Child melts down when Pizza Friday becomes Taco Friday.
  • Dr. Burgert advises parents to stay calm and not apologize for the change; instead, help the child reframe and problem-solve, showing empathy but holding firm:

    “I am going to say I know this is not what you expected, but now we are going to go do tacos...But we are going to taco night. And that is not the option.” (19:38)

Scenario—The “Checker”:

(20:33–23:15)

• The child who repeatedly asks the same question for reassurance.
  • Dr. Burgert suggests introducing a cue word—"bananas"—instead of endlessly answering, reminding the child they already have the answer and can do something else until it's time:

    “The next time you ask me what time we’re leaving, I’m gonna say the word bananas...” (21:17)

• Important: Parent behavior must change first for child behavior to change.

7. Optimizing the Home Environment

(23:15–25:44)

• Dr. Hunter asks Dr. Burgert where parents should start.
  • Sleep is Key:

    “If I had to pick one, hands down, it'd be sleep...sometimes just getting your kid a great sleep routine is better than any medicine I could possibly give you.” — Dr. Burgert (24:02)

• Additional basic pillars: nutrition, family meals, consistent routines, and sometimes supplements can make a dramatic difference.

Powerful Example:

(25:44–27:40)

• Dr. Hunter shares a story of a teen whose anxiety improved dramatically simply by sleeping 8 hours/night for a week.

8. The Importance of Family Meals

(27:40–28:18)

• Personal stories from both doctors about how family meals cemented bonds in their homes—even carrying on after kids leave for college.

  “That is where our family became a family is around that dinner table.” — Dr. Burgert (27:42) “It made me happy when she checked in...she had made some food...so her volleyball teammates...could all have dinner together. That’s formative of being human.” — Dr. Burgert (28:07)

Memorable Quotes

• “Parents think they're protecting their child, but what they're really protecting is the anxiety.” — Dr. Hunter (09:10)
• “You are teaching that kid’s brain to say, yep, I’m right. Dogs are definitely something that I need to be fearful of.” — Dr. Burgert (07:21)
• “If I had to pick one, hands down, it'd be sleep...sometimes just getting your kid a great sleep routine is better than any medicine I could possibly give you.” — Dr. Burgert (24:02)
• “Those kids really don’t even get a chance to practice being uncomfortable and overcoming it. And that’s important practice.” — Dr. Burgert (15:56)
• “That is where our family became a family is around that dinner table.” — Dr. Burgert (27:42)

Actionable Takeaways

• Avoid reinforcing anxiety by bending over backwards to avoid triggers.
• Set clear, predictable routines and consistent consequences.
• Coach kids through discomfort rather than shielding them from it.
• Collaborate with your child, not just dictate.
• Prioritize basic sleep and nutrition needs.
• Don’t underestimate the power of shared family meals.
• If standard strategies aren’t working, seek professional or coaching support—for the parent as much as the child.

Key Timestamps

• 00:51–05:54: When to worry about anxiety; red flags in family life.
• 06:48–11:38: The dangers of avoidance and the cycle of anxiety.
• 15:39–17:54: Parenting styles and their impact; the value of a balanced approach.
• 17:54–24:02: Practical strategies: routine, predictability, collaborative boundaries.
• 24:02–25:44: The underestimated power of sleep and basic routines.
• 27:40–28:18: Family meals—what really makes family bonds last.

Episode Tone & Style

The episode is warm, conversational, and candid, mixing science with the down-to-earth reality of parenting anxious kids. Dr. Hunter and Dr. Burgert both bring professional insight and personal experience, fostering a comforting, “we’re in this together” mood. The advice is concrete, nonjudgmental, and rooted in both science and empathy.

Final Summary

Walking on eggshells around an anxious child may seem like the path of least resistance, but it usually strengthens anxiety’s grip. The antidote is not harshness or total accommodation, but gently coaching kids through discomfort, setting loving and predictable boundaries, and tending to basic needs like sleep and regular family connection. As Dr. Burgert says, “There’s no shortcut”—but the right support and practical habits empower both anxious kids and their families to thrive.

[For more resources: Managing Childhood Anxiety for Dummies, Dr. Natasha Burgert.]