← The Pediatrician Next Door - Simple Advice on Parenting and Family Health
The Pediatrician Next Door - Simple Advice on Parenting and Family Health
Ep. 145: How to Make Gift Season Meaningful for Kids (and Adults!)
00:25:21
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The holiday season is here. Are your twinkly lights out? Are your cookies in the oven? Does the package delivery guy know your dog's name? That means you're almost ready. But if you're not ready, here we go. It's time for connection, tradition, and gift giving. But if you've ever watched your kid tear through wrapping paper only to declare ugh. Socks. You know, the holidays are also a time for disappointment, some jealousy, and a lot of overtired meltdowns. For me as a pediatrician, I see this time of year as more than just chaos and consumerism. It's a great time for me to pipe in and nerd out about emotional development. Yep, because giving and receiving gifts is about more than stuff. We all know that, and that's what we're going to find out today. What could it really be about Today? I'm putting on my Santa hat to unpack the science behind giving, why it feels so good, what it teaches our kids, and how you can make gift giving meaningful.
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I'm Dr. Wendy Hunter, and I'm the pediatrician next door. I'm that doctor friend you call for practical advice about your kid's health. I mix the science of medicine with the reality of parenting.
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Let's start at the beginning of the gift season. What is the beginning, you ask? Well, for me, and probably for you, it's planning where we will celebrate each holiday, with who, and, of course, making our shopping lists. But that's not the beginning for kids. For them, it usually starts with their wish list. Where do the items on this list come from? And what can and should you do to help them make their wish list? I love this part of the season, to be honest. There's just so much hope and anticipation for our kids. And for me too, if I'm being really honest. I just love thinking back to when I was little and I would sprawl across the living room floor with the Sears catalog and a fat red marker. I'd circle everything I wanted. I'm totally going to do it again this year. It's just like the best. I don't know what catalog I'm going to reach for now. What about our kids? Their catalog is gone. It's largely been replaced by YouTube ads, social media unboxings, and algorithms that give your child the idea they need something and they can't live without it. Kids see hundreds of ads every day. We know that from research. The thing is, they don't always look like ads. And what worries me more is that research shows that children under the age of 8 can't even tell the difference between advertisements and entertainment. Their brains don't have a cognitive filter to think. Wait a second. Is this trying to sell me something? Their brains just watch and think.
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Cool.
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So here's my first holiday gift giving tip. It's to teach your kids media literacy. Yeah, it's a sad reality. My tip doesn't even have anything to do with giving. So what do I mean by media literacy? Here's an opportunity. If you see your child watching an advertisement, see, say, hey, that's an ad. What do you think it's trying to make you feel? Why do you think they make it look so fun? This can turn watching into thinking and teaching. You're coaching your child to build neural pathways that they need for critical thinking. You teach them to question what they're being shown instead of just seeing, you know, magic. Now let's move on to choosing gifts. Because just about every age child should be involved with giving during the holiday season. It doesn't even really matter how young they are. I mean, maybe not a one year old anyway. Kids can help with giving all year round. When we give something, whether it's a gift, a compliment, or our time volunteering, our brain lights up in the same reward regions as when we get a gift. And the same chemical cocktail that makes us feel love, connection, and calm floods our brain when we give something. I'm talking about neurotransmitters like dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin. They all surge when we give our time a gift, or even just a simple heartfelt Compliment. In one University of Zurich study, people who spent money on other people instead of on themselves showed more activity in their brain's reward center, and they felt happier overall. And kids get that same chemical boost. Even toddlers show more smiles and positive emotion when they give treats away than when they receive them. It's one of the earliest ways that we can see empathy growing in a child. So giving isn't just nice manners. It's a really important thing that we teach our kids, but it's more important than we even give it credit for. Choosing and giving a gift wires our brains for joy. And one of my favorite studies found that kids, and even adults, we underestimate how happy our acts of giving are going to make another person feel. Researchers had children draw pictures and then give them to a classmate. And beforehand, the kids were asked to guess how happy their friend would be. And when the researchers measured the recipient's actual joy, it blew the gift giver's expectations out of the water. They called this an impact gap. That difference between how happy we think we make a person and how much happier they actually are. That's an impact gap, and it's a beautiful teaching moment. After your child gives something, ask them, did you see how happy Jack was when you gave him that necklace you made? Did you notice his smile? If you want to go next level, you can also ask, what do you think your friend felt when you gave her the card you made? That reflection strengthens empathy, and it helps them see the amazing effect that their actions have on other people. And that is very powerful. Okay, so at this point, our kids are giving gifts, but does it matter if they choose the gift or we choose it for them? What kinds of gifts should they give? So that's what's next. It's actually choosing which presents to give. I would have thought it didn't matter, but here's something really surprising I dug up from developmental psychology. Kids become more generous if they choose to give something that costs them something. In this one clever study, preschoolers were given some stickers. And when they had to share one of their favorite stickers, they ended up sharing more in the future. It turns out that the harder their decision was to give something, the more they cared. Or the more they liked something they gave away, the stronger their identity became as a giver, it became part of the way they thought of themselves. Like, I'm a brother, I'm a soccer player, and I'm a giver. So instead of handing your child an easy, here, give grandma this, try to help them Make a meaningful choice. It's worth taking the effort to talk it through. Ask them, would you rather bake cookies for grandma or give her one of your art supplies? When your child chooses, they're not just giving. They're actually defining themselves as a kind and capable person. And that identity sticks. Literally. Neuroscientists have found that these early moral actions and activate parts of the brain that children link to self concept. It defines who they think they are later in life. It's crazy, right? All right, what about homemade gifts? I mean, I would love to get homemade cookies. You probably already know that kids homemade gifts are adorable. But research shows they're also neurologically powerful. When kids make something themselves, their brain links their effort with an emotional reward. There's a link. It builds their idea that I like doing good things because it feels good. Scientists call this intrinsic motivation. Their actions come from an internal drive to do good because the reward is that they feel good. And homemade gifts made through their own effort do this. And it's a great idea to give your child creative control even. You mean even if the result is a lopsided ornament or a crayon drawing. It trains their brains to associate giving with their effort. It's not just a transaction. And okay, what about the gift getter? They feel it too. Studies show that sentimental or personalized gifts are rated as more satisfying to the receiver than expensive or trendy ones. So that hand painted mug might be the most effective happiness booster that you'll give all season. Now let's talk about something I find fascinating. I love this. It's the unspoken rules of gift giving. Think about it for a second. We adults know these rules by heart. We know don't brag about your gifts. Act happy even if you're not happy. And never give someone something like toilet paper, even if it's premium quilted. We know that's awkward. We know the unspoken rules. But for kids, these rules are invisible. They're confusing and they just don't know them yet. So a four year old might genuinely say I don't like these socks. Because they're still learning the difference between honesty and being tactful. They're not trying to hurt people's feelings. They just don't understand that pretending to like something isn't lying. It feels like lying, but it's actually being kind or thoughtful of another person. And while we're talking about these lessons that kids don't automatically understand, here's another big the cost of items and their value. Kids don't really understand that. Just like empathy and tact, understanding what something costs both in money and effort, that takes time to learn. You need life experience. Kids aren't born with a sense of how much is a lot or how much is a little. That's why they can get just as excited about a a bag of uninflated balloons as an entire play kitchen. To them, everything appears under the tree or out of Santa's sack and it's just kind of the same. That's why money lessons are something you can start with kids around this season. For older kids, help them set a small budget for the gifts they want to give. Walk them through comparison shopping and decision making. And when kids start thinking about the cost of things, they're also starting to understand value, not just in dollars. They begin to see that time and effort and and thought those are worth something too. I know they say money can't buy happiness, but generosity might create it from the inside out. I'm going to take a quick break and when we come back we'll talk about some specific gifts.
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Are you ready to make gift giving even more meaningful? Let's talk about the kinds of gifts that build connection and joy instead of just building clutter. Here's something cool. Researchers have found that people remember experiences more than things. So go ahead and take someone on a hot air balloon ride or out to lunch. There was a study at Cornell University that showed that gifts like shared meals or family adventures create stronger bonds between the giver and the receiver. Why? Because experiences are emotional. They become stories you tell and memories you relive together. So if you're planning gifts with your kids, try suggesting things like what if we go on a hike with grandma? What about baking cookies together instead of buying something? These kinds of gifts don't end when the wrapping paper's gone. They last because you feel them. You just don't open them and put them on a shelf. Shared experiences become stories that you talk about again and again, like the time your cookies burned and everyone laughed, or when Grandma spotted a rainbow on your hike. Those moments create emotional snapshots and they stick in kids memories and in grandma's memories. Like a photo, much longer than any toy or object, they remind children that connection, not possessions, is what makes people feel loved and appreciated and when they think back on the moment they shared, the joy will come back all over again. And here's another fascinating twist on that. Scientists discovered that even planning a gift makes people happy. The anticipation alone lights up that same reward center in your brain, just like when we imagine a delicious meal or a long awaited vacation. In other words, our brains don't wait for the gift exchange to feel joy. They start celebrating the moment. We start thinking about making someone happy. And for kids, anticipation's really powerful. It turns giving into like an adventure filled with excitement and purpose. So encourage them to lean into that feeling. Help them wrap gifts in secret, hide them in secret spots, or come up with a fun plan for the big reveal of the gift. They get to experience the same excitement that we adults feel when we've found the perfect present for someone we love. You know how you get so excited you want to text your best friend? And through that process, your kids are going to learn that generosity isn't just about the moment a gift is opened. It's it's about all the joy that builds up the whole way. So we know giving feels good. But what about receiving a gift? Does that have benefits too? Okay, let's consider babies. They love everything, right? Especially the box and the paper and the bow. And toddlers, they're usually easy too. Pretty much every gift is a thrill. Until they suddenly and without warning are not easy because they've lost their mind because you handed them a gift wrong or looked at them. Anyway, that's a toddler issue and that is not the focus of our topic today. But by elementary school, have you noticed the pure joy kind of fades These kids, they open a gift if they're not excited about it. They don't really have a huge filter and you start hearing things like, oh, clothes. Thanks. Oh, this book. I already have this book. It's not them being rude, it's just their development. Kids at this age, they're concrete thinkers. They see things. Things more than the thought that is behind the thing. So here's my big Teach these elementary school kids that every gift is a thought. I'm going to say that again. Teach kids that a gift is a thought. Say it out loud with your child. A gift is a thought. It reframes giving and receiving. Explain that when someone gives them something, it's the physical form of the loving thought that person had about them. Those quirky pajamas, those are Aunt Ann saying, I thought of you. Even if the gift is frankly lame or weird, it's still the physical manifestation of care that someone Feels. So when your child says, ugh, socks. Again, just gently reply, oh, Aunt Anne must have thought you'd look great in those. And wink. Your child will get it. Which brings me to my next point. Gift giving is a type of a social signal. It teaches kids how to read the room. It teaches them how to look at other people's emotions and even predict how someone might react. When your child gives a gift, talk with them about it afterward and ask what they noticed. Like, how do you think grandma felt when she saw it? What made you think grandma liked it? How could you tell? You're strengthening what scientists call a child's theory of mind. That's their ability to understand what another person might be thinking or feeling. It helps kids read emotional cues around them. They can read a smile, a frown, or a sigh. When kids practice noticing how other people react, like seeing someone light up after getting a wonderful handmade gift, they start to connect the dots between what they've done and how someone else feels. And that skill helps kids navigate friendships and handle conflicts and learn how to show compassion in real life situations, like on the playground. And here's the best part. If your child understands other people, it doesn't just make them kinder. It can actually make them more confident. When kids know how to read social situations, they worry less about doing or saying the wrong thing. They feel more relaxed in group settings. They're more willing to take part in conversations. They just have more confidence if they can read other people. And that helps them to form better, longer lasting relationships. So in short, giving gifts doesn't just build their empathy. It helps them feel comfortable in their own skin in the long run. So maybe we should give gifts all year long. I'm just saying. I mean, it could be fun and it could be good for all of us. All right, let's tackle the toughest holiday emotion. You know what it is? It's. It's disappointment. Everybody's seen it. That moment when a kid's face falls because the gift just like, wasn't what they expected. Even adults struggle with this. I mean, disappointment is your brain kind of noticing a mismatch between what you had expected and hoped for and what really happened. And kids feel it really intensely because their emotional regulation systems, that's their prefrontal cortex, it's not working yet. So when disappointment happens, take a breath, be gentle, and maybe just ask a question that can help guide your child through their feelings. Ask. I see you're disappointed. What were you hoping for? Is there still something about this gift that you Enjoy or makes you feel loved. This helps kids to process their feelings instead of pushing their feelings away. I know it can be tempting for you to distract them or make a quick deal to stop their tears or disappointment, but it is better to pause and let your child feel disappointed just for a moment. Sitting with those emotions teaches them that big feelings are okay. And it teaches them that they can handle disappointment. Each time they do, they're gonna build more resilience because, you know, life and gift giving is full of imperfections. I know this is really challenging because it really hurts to see your child sad. But help them sit with their sadness just for a moment. Okay? Are you ready to take generosity to the next level? We've talked about how giving lights up the brain and makes us all feel good. But now let's zoom out. The real magic happens when kids start to realize that when they're kind, it goes beyond themselves. It's when generosity turns into something bigger. It's the way we make the world a kinder place. So whether it's sharing a snack with one of their classmates or donating toys, or helping a stranger, these kinds of moments show kids that being generous isn't just about creating happiness. It spreads. It's contagious. One thoughtful act sparks another, and that creates a ripple effect. And one of the best ways to help kids truly understand this is to let them see what it does in real life. Take them shopping for a toy drive and drop the toys off. Let them choose a charity that you donate to. Even better, have them wrap the toys, write the note, and of course, I said deliver it themselves. When kids witness someone else's excitement and gratitude, or even if they just imagine it, that builds empathy. They start to understand that their actions have meaning. And that's when this lesson clicks. They learn what I do makes a difference for someone else. And when they feel that sense of purpose, they will want to keep giving. Not because they have to, but because it makes the world feel brighter. And now, the last step of the season. So the holidays have wound down. The chaos of wrapping paper and sugar highs is gone. This is when you want to take a few minutes, maybe on New Year's Eve, to look back together and ask your kids, what was your favorite part of giving this year? How did you feel when you saw someone open your gift? From a brain science point of view, this is where the real magic happens. When we talk about those happy moments, it helps the brain save them. Like hitting the favorite on a photo button in your memory. And the best part, the more kids remember their warm, fuzzy feelings, the more likely they'll want to do it next year. So whether you're wrapping gifts, baking cookies, or bracing for the annual toy avalanche, remember you're not just managing the holidays. You are shaping your child's heart. And that's awesome.
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Hey, if this episode brought a smile to your face or a new idea to your parenting toolbox, I would love it if you could leave a rating and review for the Pediatrician Next Door on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. It's a little active giving that would mean a whole lot to me. Happy Holidays.
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For more from the Pediatrician Next Door, find me on the web@ pediatriciannextdoorpodcast.com if you've got a question about the weird things kids do, send an email to hellopediatriciannextdoorpodcast.com for a chance to hear your voice on the Show. Hello, I'm Dr. Wendy Hunter and I'm the Pediatrician Next Door. This show is produced by Red Rock Music. Make sure to subscribe and leave a review wherever it is you're listening. I'll be back next time with more.
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