The Prosecutors After Dark: Playoffs, Projectile Vomiting, and Doctors

Summary

The Prosecutors After Dark: Playoffs, Projectile Vomiting, and Doctors

Podcast: The Prosecutors
Hosts: Alice and Brett
Date: December 18, 2025
Episode Summary by Section

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Overview

In this informal, off-topic “After Dark” episode, hosts Alice and Brett set aside their usual true crime content to candidly discuss recent college football playoff drama, personal parenting mishaps involving projectile vomiting, and experiences with idiosyncratic doctors. Their warm banter and humorous anecdotes create a lively, relatable conversation especially resonant for sports fans and parents alike.

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College Football Playoffs: Chaos and Comedy

Discussion Begins: [01:24]

• Alabama vs Auburn Recap:

  • Brett relishes in Alabama’s win while marveling at Auburn’s uncanny ability to lose close games:

    “Auburn is...the best 5 and 7 team you’re ever going to find. They could have won any of those games. They just found ways to lose.” — Brett [01:47]

  • Notable mention of Auburn’s new coach, a Russian immigrant from a military family:

    “When the tanks rolled into Red Square, those were the freedom fighters ... Turns out his family were, like, high ranking officers in the Soviet government.” — Brett [03:28]

• Rivalry & Community

  • The hosts highlight the camaraderie among players versus the animosity among fans:

    “The fans hate each other much more than the players do.” — Brett [04:48] “They’ve all grew up...played each other in high school.” — Alice [04:48]

• Frustrations with the Playoff System

  • Brett lambasts the playoff committee as “the dumbest people in the world”:

    “We have the dumbest people in the world on the committee trying to figure this out. They are complete and utter morons.” — Brett [06:49]

  • The hosts point out how university presidents and athletic directors on the selection committee are disconnected from the sport:

    “What does that have anything to do with it?... Rich people who know nothing about ball.” — Alice [07:41]

  • Brett recognizes the hypocrisy among fans:

    “There are too many people out there who cannot criticize the system when it benefits them, and that’s why the system never changes.” — Brett [08:04]

  • Conversation turns to the arbitrary criteria for playoff selection:

    “So you’re deciding where [they’re ranked] based on one play, that if it went terribly what, are you gonna move them down?” — Alice [09:16]

  • Solutions Proposed:

    • Retired head coaches should run the committee (“That would make total sense.” — Alice [11:10])
    • Nick Saban as “Commissioner of College Football” [12:37]

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Holidays and Parenting: Vomit and Resilience

Story Begins: [13:05]

• Alice’s Thanksgiving Ordeal

  • Alice’s son (“Esquanto”) eagerly plans to participate in Thanksgiving festivities but falls violently ill the night before:

    “He comes home on Wednesday and he’s like, ‘I don’t feel good.’ Projectile vomits everywhere.” — Alice [13:16]

  • She lovingly recounts his determination to join the feast:

    “He had Thanksgiving planned out...he was projectile vomiting all night.” [14:06–15:16]

  • Poignant, humorous moment as her son, too weak even to eat, army-crawls to his set place at the table just to enjoy the smell and see his wooden spoon:

    “He goes, ‘It smells just like the first Thanksgiving’... I literally almost started crying right there.” — Alice [15:16]

  • His closing words leave an impression:

    “I put him to bed that night...he goes, ‘It was the best Thanksgiving ever.’” — Alice [18:26]

  • Brett’s parent-to-parent moral:

    “Let that be a lesson to all you complainers out there.” — Brett [18:26]

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Doctors, Medicine, and Health Quirks

Segment Starts: [18:48]

• Flu Shots Shortage & Tetanus Reality

  • Brett is surprised his doctor’s office doesn’t provide flu shots due to competition from supermarket chains [19:28].
  • Tetanus vaccine and its folklore inspire laughs and reflection:

    “Like, do you die if you get it?... If you stepped on a nail like you’re gonna get tetanus and it was immediate.” — Brett [29:01] “That was like quicksand.” — Alice [28:41]

• Brett’s Unconventional Doctor

  • His doctor is a vegan with strong opinions on diet:

    “She’s like, ‘Sugar has nothing to do with diabetes. It’s all animal fat.” — Brett [21:40] “So basically, her thing is, like, no meat at all. No dairy at all.” — Brett [22:59]

  • Brett struggles to align with her worldview but appreciates her practical flexibility:

    “I’ll put you on a statin instead. I’m like, okay, you know, whatever.” — Brett [23:34]

  • Alice recalls why she wouldn’t choose the same doctor:

    “I don’t know that we’d get along.” — Alice [23:59]

• Tetanus Shots and Medical Anecdotes

  • Alice’s husband postpones his tetanus shot only to need one after stepping on a nail [26:09].
  • Brett reminisces on costly vaccines for travel:

    “There’s this disease in Southeast Asia...we have a vaccine for it, but it’s $800. And I was like, ah, taking my chances.” — Brett [27:21]

  • Both laugh about malaria medication and its side effects (“Technicolor Man World and Technicolor dreams” — Alice [27:43]).

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Parenting War Stories & Bodily Fluids

Segment: [28:31]

• Children’s development and teething woes.
  • Alice describes the horror of her son growing eight teeth at once, with corresponding cysts and sleepless nights [31:06].
  • Brett observes:

    “It’s funny how many of our shows just devolve into, like, bodily fluid.” — Brett [32:39] “This is our stage of life.” — Alice [32:44]

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Holiday Traditions and Hallmark Christmas Movies

Begins: [32:46]

• Christmas Trees:

  • Fake vs real debate, tree farms, holiday logistics with young kids [32:56–34:09].
  • Alice: “In a perfect world, I would love a real tree, but…the reality of where my life is…I do fake trees.” [33:02]

• Hallmark Movie Bingo:

  • Brett recounts watching recent Hallmark films and describes his “Hallmark Christmas Movie Bingo Card” [35:13].
  • The formulaic plotlines amuse the hosts.
  • On movie tropes:

    “It is utterly ridiculous to think everyone else shuts down at Christmas but you’ve got to be there to start your job literally on Christmas Day.” — Brett [40:14]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Auburn is...the best 5 and 7 team you’re ever going to find.” — Brett [01:47]
• “There are too many people out there who cannot criticize the system when it benefits them, and that’s why the system never changes.” — Brett [08:04]
• “He army crawled…because I had still, of course, set his table with a wooden spoon…’My spoon.’ I was like, I literally almost started crying.” — Alice [15:16]
• “I was like, ah, taking my chances [on not getting a vaccine]…” — Brett [27:21]
• “It’s funny how many of our shows just devolve into, like, bodily fluid.” — Brett [32:39]

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Episode Flow and Tone

The episode is honest, meandering, and loaded with good-natured ribbing and dry humor. The hosts fluidly transition between spirited college football rants, heartwarming (and hilarious) family mishaps, and light holiday nostalgia. It’s an entirely content-driven conversation—casual yet relatable, brimming with personality.

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Key Timestamps

• [01:24] Football and Auburn’s “ways to lose”
• [06:49] College playoff committee criticisms
• [13:05] Thanksgiving vomiting story
• [19:28] Flu shots, healthcare quirks
• [21:40] Brett’s vegan doctor
• [27:21] Travel vaccines and malaria pills
• [32:56] Holiday trees and Christmas movie season
• [35:13] Hallmark movie plot breakdown

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For listeners who missed the episode:
You’ll find zero true crime, but plenty of wit, empathy, and sharp takes on sports, family chaos, and the realities of adult life in “The Prosecutors After Dark.”

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

All right, everybody. Welcome to another episode of the Prosecutors After Dark. It's dark here in prosecutors land and we're still here. I'm Brett. Roll Tide Alice.

[A]

And I'm Alice.

[B]

Yeah, there you go.

[A]

Sorry I cut you off, but that may be a feature, not a bug.

[B]

Sorry about that in the tart but it's okay. It's okay.

[A]

It is, it is your elephant shaped heart.

[B]

My elephant shaped heart. Roll Tide Alice, I know you enjoyed the football game this weekend.

[A]

That look, that was some good footballing. Only because Auburn, they are able to get Auburn because it was so true. The announcer was like, Auburn finds a way to lose. And I was like, that's such a good way to put it because it's almost as if they find a way to lose.

[B]

I mean the thing about Auburn this year, and I do want to talk about football while we're here, but Auburn is, I mean, I do not mean this as a dig at all. They are the best 5 and 17 you're ever going to find. I mean, they could have won any of those games. They didn't lose a single game by more than including like Georgia, Alabama, Vanderbilt, Missouri. I mean these are all teams that are really good teams.

[A]

They were. They found ways to lose. Like if you rolled a dice, you would win more.

[B]

Think of all those teams. Alabama might be the only team they weren't ahead of at some point. Like they were right. They had Georgia beat and then they had Vanderbilt beat. You know, the only game they were really terrible in was Kentucky, which got the coach fired. Which is understandable because Kentucky is bad, right? But like it is crazy. I've never seen a team, the only game they won that they shouldn't have won was Arkansas. They were behind and they got like two pick sixes or something. But frankly, they deserve that because they just. Everything went wrong that could go wrong. Oklahoma cheated to win. Like they, like, I mean. And of course, the SEC referees who are the worst missed it when it happened, you know, like, I don't know. I mean, as an Alabama fan, obviously I enjoyed each one of those games.

[A]

I wasn't, I wasn't upset because it was so like, are you kidding me? Like, yeah, I would be almost a little mad if you won because this is just ridiculous.

[B]

But so that. But the problem with it from our perspective was, like, this seems a lot better than everybody thinks it is. Like, like, yeah, but they're not actually a bad team. And we got to go.

[A]

They're not a bad team at all. They're a really good team. They just are so good at finding ways to lose.

[B]

Maybe with the new coach, who's a communist, by the way. You know, it's so funny. So it is hilarious. When I was reading the story, like, so their new coach, Auburn's new coach, is a Russian immigrant. Right? And you might think, oh, you know, family. And he tells the story about his family fleeing from Russia. And you're thinking, oh, man. Yeah. This story of, like, freedom. And he's like talking about how, like, yeah, you know, when the tanks rolled into Red Square, we had to flee. And it's like, hold on, wait a second, wait a second. When the tanks rolled into Red Square, those were the freedom fighters. Like, turns out, like, his family were, like, big in the military. Like high ranking officers in the Soviet government. So when they first fled Russia, they fled in much the way, like Bashir fled when the case rolled up. But whatever, you know, welcome to Alabama.

[A]

Okay. I was gonna say also, can you play ball? Come on.

[B]

That's all that matters. I mean, let's be clear.

[A]

And that was a crazy stat, though. What did they say? Like, between the two teams, 92 of the kids had played against each other in Alabama.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, that's. That's kind of amazing. That, like, gets you in the feels. Yeah. You know, because they were all, like, hugging.

[B]

Oh, yeah. They have known each other their whole lives.

[A]

They all, they. They've all grew up.

[B]

The fans hate each other much more than the players do.

[A]

Then the players could.

[B]

A lot of them, they could have gone to either place and it was just like.

[A]

Right, Absolutely.

[B]

Which school had a scholarship, played each.

[A]

Other in high school? They were on the same teams.

[B]

We used to have a player, like a big Auburn tattoo because he'd grown up a huge Auburn fan, but he went to Alabama.

[A]

That's funny. That's funny. Like, one of them went to our. Our school here, graduated from there. And it was like, it's just cool to be like, yeah, we know him. We. We watched him play two years ago.

[B]

So what are your thoughts on the playoff, Alice, while we're here talking about football?

[A]

Playoffs. Playoffs. Playoffs, Playoffs, man.

[B]

I got lots of thoughts about them. I think they're terrible.

[A]

Yeah, go tell me about your thoughts about the playoffs.

[B]

You know, football's the greatest sport in the world. It just is.

[A]

It actually is.

[B]

It's just the greatest sport.

[A]

It is terrible for people's brains have to be. My kids, my kids will not be playing it because they're too small and their brains are, they're going to be too weak for it. But, but it is the most exciting game to watch.

[B]

And the NFL, because of how it's structured, has a pretty good way of determining a champion. You know, you got like 32 teams, they play each other playing Super Bowl. That's great, right? And most sports have pretty good way of determining a champion. But football, especially college football, is uniquely situated in a place where it's basically impossible to have a good way to figure out a champion. Because think about it like basketball, Franklin, the NCAA tournaments, kind of. Eh. But nevertheless, like a lot of times, you know, you'll have sports that have series and you have to win best two out of three. And like, that's a really good way to figure out who's best because fluky games don't necessarily decide series and everything else. And maybe this is one hit wonder man, you can't do that football because of all the reasons you just said you just can't play that much. And you have so many teams. They're from all over the country and they play these completely different schedules and they're not standardized at all. I mean you have playing teams like Ohio State. Ohio State, who's obviously very good team captain, if you're listening. Oh yeah, yeah, whatever. Very good team. They played two games this year. They played Texas in the first game. They were ranked. And then they played Michigan in the last game and they were ranked. And that's it. Everybody in between there was just like cupcake central and that. But that's just how their, their schedule fell out. They didn't have to play Oregon. They didn't have to play usc. They didn't have to play like any of the good teams in the Big Ten, you know, and that's, it's like, how does that compare? Like how do you even know Anyway? So we've come up with this like wackadoodle way of doing it with this new playoff with 12 teams. But the problem is we have the dumbest people in the world on the committee trying to figure this out. I mean they are complete and utter morons. They have no idea what they're doing. And it's like, how is it possible that you have this multi billion dollar sports industry decided by idiots? And it's not just that they're stupid though. They are, but they're also just completely un situated for this. Like, it's like presidents of universities, you know, or ads.

[A]

What does that have anything to do with it? There are, you know, like, what is it? Is it 30 rack? Yeah, 30 rack. That does like, is it. No, no. Kimmy Schmidt. I think it's Kimmy Schmidt. That does like a hilarious play on all these commissioners who are just like rich people who know nothing about ball. And they call it like the football. The. The football game. Right. And they're the ones making all the decisions. That's kind of what's.

[B]

Kind of what's happening. Yeah. And so like today, we benefited from this today. But I just want to. I just want to note for all you hypocrites out there, there are too many people out there who cannot criticize the system when it benefits them. And that's why the system never changes. And last year, Alabama got left out of the playoff for all sorts of stupid reasons. And all of y' all loved it because Alabama got left off. But now the idiots are favoring Alabama. So we moved up in the rankings today, which almost certainly understand.

[A]

I really.

[B]

Actually, it almost certainly means we're going to make the playoff no matter what happens against Georgia. But nevertheless, the reason that. So they interview the idiot, the head idiot who runs the committee, and he's like, oh, well, you know, Alabama went down to Jordan Hare and that's a tough place. Just ask, you know, Vanderbilt. Well, number one, Auburn didn't play Vanderbilt at Jordan here, Auburn played Vanderbilt at Vanderbilt. So already questioning your knowledge of what's going on.

[A]

The thing, your head up.

[B]

Basically they moved us ahead of Notre Dame. But. And his reasoning was like, well, you know, they, they had a really gutsy fourth and two call. It's like. So you're deciding where based on one.

[A]

Place, on one place, based on one play, that if it went terribly, what are you gonna move them down?

[B]

Mean, it would still have been gutsy even if they hadn't made it. And they should be ahead of Notre Dame for the same reason. Notre Dame, you know, they've played two tough teams and they lost to both of them.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Sorry. If you're a Notre Dame fan, great. You beat usc. Whoop de la deh. Like, but they should be ahead of Notre Dame. But they haven't been ahead of Notre Dame this whole time. And to move them ahead of Notre Dame for this stupid 4 and 2. Yeah, it's like the dumbest thing in the world and it just undermines.

[A]

It was like kind of gutsy, but not. It was just. It was good strategy. It wasn't like it was the fourth quarter. It was like the first quarter, you.

[B]

Know, like, he's talking about the fourth quarter.

[A]

It was four. Well, but that's what football is. Gutsy plays well.

[B]

It's just like. But it tells you that this person doesn't know anything about football. And the way you can tell that someone doesn't know about football is they talk about individual games as if that tells you something. It'll be like they'll say things like, well, you know, Alabama had a really bad game against X and they only beat him by seven points and X wasn't very good. And so therefore it's like, no, you don't. You have no idea what you're talking about. Because football in particular is a game where you're going to have really bad games or the other team just plays better because the differences in talent aren't that much. And the fact that you managed to win those tough games actually is impressive. Right.

[A]

So do they just make a lot of money being head idiot?

[B]

Well, head idiot is the. Either the president or the athletic director at Arkansas. So, number one, he didn't know anything about football. Sorry, Arkansas. I mean, look at your new coach. So. So he doesn't know what he's talking about. But he's. But the people in charge. Like, you could do this in a way that made sense. I mean, frankly, probably the best way to do it would be to, like, make it all retired head coaches.

[A]

Yeah, that would make total sense. Like, truly. That would make sense.

[B]

Yeah, like that. That would be the way to do it. But, you know, instead you have this, like, weird. It's kind of like we have in. This is a totally different thing. But the way we pick magistrate judges in our district. I don't know if you know this, Alice. It's not just that the judges pick, which would make sense. They're like random members of the community. So for like the longest time, I.

[A]

Think I did, there was a dude.

[B]

Who owns a car dealership who's on the committee.

[A]

Actually, when I found this out, I remember being like, yeah, what? This is not a democracy.

[B]

What does he know about. It should just be the judges. Like, what does he know about them?

[A]

Who use them?

[B]

Exactly, exactly. But anyways, it's stuff like that. Like, why are you putting these people on anyways? But that's the system we have, so that's what we're stuck with.

[A]

Anyway, there you go.

[B]

That was a long rant. Anyways, I guess that's what this is all about. But.

[A]

But despite them not knowing anything, it's still a billion dollar industry, which is, like, incredible.

[B]

They inherited that, you know, I mean, that's.

[A]

I mean, but it's not going. I mean, I hope it doesn't go anywhere because I do love football, but.

[B]

Well, they're. They're doing everything they can to screw it up. I'll say this, like, whether it's nil, the transfer portal or the playoff, or, like, it's all just a mess right now, I don't know how to fix it.

[A]

Well, how do we get. What. Who can we get to vote for you on the commission?

[B]

Yeah, I think. Well, they should. We need a commissioner of college football, and it should be Nick Saban. That's the way it should be.

[A]

I. I do agree with that, actually.

[B]

You know, make it Nick Saban and urban if you want to have some diversity, you know, but anyway, this has been all me talking. I feel like you need to talk. I've talked too much. I thought too much.

[A]

Just enough. I think that is fantastic. I don't even know what to talk about. No one threw up on me today. Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving just happened.

[B]

Oh, yeah? How was that?

[A]

It was great. It was long. It was a whole week. And my second child, who you guys know Esquanto, loves Thanksgiving.

[B]

Oh, that's right.

[A]

But unfortunately, he got sick on Wednesday.

[B]

No.

[A]

Like, okay, this is. I'm gonna describe to you the saddest, most heartwarming sad story you'll ever hear. So he is like, he's the male Pollyanna, right? He. He is just. Everything's rainbows and puppies, but also he has an intense. You know, he's also, like, gets angry a lot, but he's such a bright personality. And he comes home on Wednesday and he's like, I don't feel good. Projectile vomits everywhere. I was like, oh, my gosh. And he projectile vomits like, another ten times that night. And I was like, oh, Lord, you're, like, real sick. So put him to bed. He's so sick. And he had been so excited all week to help me cook Thanksgiving. Like, he was like, can I mash the potatoes? Can I cut the green beans? Can we get ham? Can we get two kinds and put honey on one of them? I was like, we can do whatever you want. So I bought everything. He was gonna make Thanksgiving dinner with me because he literally laid out his squanto costume and his pilgrim costume, and he said, can I start in the pilgrim costume and then can I change at lunch and then I'll change back for dinner. And I was like, you can do whatever you want. Like, he had Thanksgiving planned out, right? And so he is projectile vomiting all night. And it is the saddest thing ever. Literally, like a drop of water will touch his mouth and a projectile vomits out, right? Nothing, nothing could touch his lips. And so he wakes up the next morning, he is not well at all. He is just like a sack of potatoes. And so I set him up like a little pillow and a blanket next to me in the kitchen so he can watch me cook. So sad. So I'm cooking and he cannot move. And he's like, you're doing great, mom. And so we make the whole meal, like, do the whole thing. Huge turkey, ham, all this food, and it's on the table. And when my. I think I've told you guys this before. When my kids throw up, there's a special couch that they lay on. It's a leather couch so that I can wipe it off when they vomit on it.

[B]

Do they put the foot up or down?

[A]

Always up, man, always up. And so he's laying on the throw up couch, which is the leather couch. Don't sit on it. When you come over to my house, which is right next to the dining room. So he can hear us but he can't see us. And so like, family's over, we're all eating and he's laying on the throw up couch and cannot move. He's like feverish, projectile vomiting. And at one point I walk over to like get something from the kitchen and he has quite literally, like Alex Mack liquidated to the floor. And he had his head on a pillow on the hardwood floor. And every couple minutes he would push himself with his toes one inch closer to the table. And it took him about 30 minutes, but he pushed himself right under my feet. And then he literally crawled up army crawled because he couldn't move his body into the chair because I had still, of course, set his table with a wooden spoon was there. And then he looked at the wooden spoon and he broke out into a huge smile and he said, my spoon. I was like, I literally almost started crying right there. I was like, I had thought about not setting his place because, like, there was no way he was gonna eat. But I was like, I gotta set out his wooden spoon. And so he just sat there and he got all of the. Like, he couldn't move. So I put all the food. I was like, do you want mashed potatoes? He's like, yes. And I put all the food on his plate, and he knew he couldn't eat it, any of it. And so he got really close to it, and he goes, it smells just like the first Thanksgiving. And you can't laugh because it's like the saddest thing in the world, right? And I was like, yeah, it does, buddy. And he goes, squanto taught them that they needed to put space between the corn so it would grow when they put the fish in the soil. And I was like, save your breath, child. Save your breath. And then it was so. I'm not making any of this up. And, like, he's like, feverishly red. He's, like, kind of hallucinating. He's, like, talking, but, like, he's not really making sense. And so after he sat there for like five minutes, I was like, do you want me to carry you back to the couch? And he was like, yeah, carried him back to the throw up couch, covered him back up. And I took his plate, it had not been touched, and I wrapped it in saran wrap and, like, didn't change it and put it right into the fridge. And I brought it out for him the next day. He was too sick to eat. But here's the sweetest part. I put him to bed that night. He'd been like, you know, laying for 24 hours. And I said, hey, how was your day? He goes, it was the best Thanksgiving ever.

[B]

Let that be a lesson to all you complainers out there. Oh, that's great.

[A]

No. Anyways, he's better now, but he was. I think he had the flu. Those of you who remember, he. He had flu really bad the past two years. So bad that he lost the ability to walk. So I think I recognize it now. I think he had the flu again. For some reason, man flu a just wipes him. Nobody else got it in my family.

[B]

I went to the doctor today and asked for a flu shot, and they're like, we don't have any.

[A]

Isn't it, like, prime flu shot season?

[B]

It is. Well, you know what they said. And I don't. I don't. I don't want to interrupt you. Is there. Was there anything else you want to talk about?

[A]

No, I'm done. Like, there's that. There's no more sadness.

[B]

People come over to your house because you got to say, if I show up to your house and scream, Squanto was throwing up on the throat cows. I'm not couch. I'm gonna be like, you know what? I'm just gonna.

[A]

So we Told everyone that they were. That he was. For his. For his part, he threw up all night, but he didn't throw up the rest of the time. That's why I think it was flu A. That it was not the stomach bug. So he didn't throw up the rest of the time. So he was on the throw up couch, but he was not throwing up. He was hugging a bowl. So it was very possible that he would have.

[B]

Yeah. So I go to the. I go to the doctor and they're like, have you had your flu shot yet? And I was like, actually, no. And I was hoping to get it today. And they're like, well, we don'. Flu shot. And then they explained that, like, they used to have the flu shot, but they lost a ton of money on it because apparently the public's in town. If you go get a flu shot there, they give you a 15 gift card. So everybody goes there for it. And I was like, what?

[A]

So they just don't get flu shots.

[B]

Because they get them, but they go to Publix to get them.

[A]

Well, I mean, so they don't buy any.

[B]

Yeah, they don't buy any.

[A]

They don't buy.

[B]

He said they would just expire. They would sit there in our refrigerator, expire. All this money on them. So I was like, well, I guess I'll have to go somewhere. I did get a tetanus shot, for what that's worth.

[A]

Why? Did you step on a nail?

[B]

No, I just hadn't. Had. We talked about my doctor.

[A]

Look, I'm very confused.

[B]

My doctor?

[A]

Yeah. Your doctor is the one who tells you not to eat. Right?

[B]

If doctor. If the doctor is listening, I won't say her name, but if she's listening, she wants, you know, I appreciate you. You know, this is not an attack, but my doctor has very idiosyncratic ways of looking at nutrition and health. So the first time I went to her, I was like, the first time I went to her, she, you know, they do the blood test. They, you know, get your finger. Well, actually, I told this story that the first time I went, the nurse asked me if I smoked. And I was like, if I not told this story, you. So the nurse asked me if I smoked and I said no. I mean, I smoke a cigar like once a year. When Alabama Beach, Tennessee. And she was like, well, if that. If you've ever. She was like, if you've ever smoked before, I have to put yes. And if I put yes, it could go back to your insurance company and it could lead to higher costs so she's like, so I'm gonna ask you again. Have you ever smoked? And I was like, nope, never smoked a day in my life. And she's like, thank you. And she puts it down. And I was like, okay, this is already interesting. But anyways, so my doctor comes in, and she's like. She's going through, like, the blood test. Whenever she's like, oh, you're. You know, you're. I don't know. What is it? What is the diabetes test? Like a 1C glucose. Oh, whatever.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Is really low. And I was like, oh, awesome. I can eat. I can eat more candy then. Yeah, you make a joke. And she's like. She's like, actually, yeah, sugar has nothing to do with diabetes. And I was like. He's like, yes, common myth. Like carbohydrates, nothing to do with diabetes. It's all animal fat. And I was like, oh, no, she didn't really? And she's like, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It's like, you. You know, animal fat. Well, it turns out she's, like, basically a vegan, right? I mean, she is a vegan. She, like. And so she's all about veganism, and she believes that eating meat is the cause of any. Everything that's wrong with you. And it's not just. I mean, she. Literally today, she had written on the whiteboard. I sent this to some people. She had not written it. I mean, I don't know when she wrote it. She didn't write it for me, but on the whiteboard was written all this stuff about diabetes. And it was like, not sugar, not carbohydrates, foods that are high in saturated fat. And then she listed them, and it was all the meats, including fish, chicken, turkey. I'm sorry, chicken and turkey are. Those. Are the lean saturated fat. They're just not, like, there's not a world in which eating a baked potato is better for you than having a boiled chicken.

[A]

It can't possibly be.

[B]

Possibly be right.

[A]

She's not gonna like my freezer with a half.

[B]

Yeah. And she's like, so basically, her thing is, like, no meat at all. No dairy at all. And it's not for some sort of, like, ethical reason. It's just. This is what you. If that's what's bad, we just stopped eating fish.

[A]

Aren't there documentaries about people who, like, do this and only eat berries and die at, like, 20?

[B]

Well, she has a whole list of books and documentaries she wants you to watch that are all about why you shouldn't eat meat. At all. And I'm just always like, I am. I mean, my position is.

[A]

Yeah, what do you say? Because you.

[B]

I'm always like, I'm always like, you know, I get what you're saying, but not really me, me. Like I am going to continue to eat, so. So maybe we could work. And she's. And she's always like, well, you know, I. I'd rather you read this book and learn why should they meet? But I'll put you on a statin instead. I'm like, okay, you know, whatever. But I don't know, it's just like, that's bizarre.

[A]

I remember this now because when I asked you if you had a doctor, because I was looking for a doctor, you told me about her and I was like, I don't know, that we'd get along.

[B]

And you know, the other thing, like, the physical is so basic. Like she basically listens to my heart, listens to my breathing, and we're good. And I'm kind of like, you know, I don't know, I feel like this.

[A]

Maybe listen to some more things. Maybe make sure my stomach and intestines are in the right place.

[B]

Well, she kind of like, you know, she kind of does that a little bit, but not much, you know, she's just like, is everything working all right? I'm like, yeah, everything's good.

[A]

She's like, okay, but don't take my word for it, you're the doctor.

[B]

I don't know. Like I said, she's very nice. She's an Alabama fan. It's important to me, you know. And when I got Covid, she just gave me whatever drugs I wanted. Didn't have to come in see her.

[A]

You know, she probably didn't want to.

[B]

Get going, but like, it's just, it's always an adventure going down there. But I did get my tetanus shot and she thought I should get a tetanus shot cuz I hadn't had one in a while. So now I have tetanus shot.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

I get tetanus.

[A]

That actually is good because Mr. Alice, was that his checkup? No. Well, he was at the doctor and you know, the doctor was like, you are due for a tetanus shot, you should get it. And he's like, I'll deal with it later. He should have gotten it there. I don't know why he didn't. He's like, I'll get it later. So he didn't. And this was like a week later, he's at home with the kids. Because I'M traveling. That's what it was. Because I get this, like, kind of cryptic text. I'm on the airplane. And he's like, what time do you get in again? I tell him the time. Like, you know, I get it. Being alone with the four kids is a lot. I was like, yeah, I'll be home in like three hours. And he's like, okay. And then a couple hours later, he's like, are you almost home? I'm like, I'm like an hour away. He's okay, when you get here, I'm gonna go to, like, doc in a box. I was like, are you okay? He's like, yeah, I just. I'm gonna go get a tetanus shot. And I'm like, right now? On the weekend after? I just got back. And I was like, what happened? He's like, nothing. Don't worry about it. So I get home and I was like, what happened? And he was like, I. He stepped on a nail.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

There you go. Because he was like, chasing the kids, stepped on a nail. And then he was like. And then I couldn't get at it out of my head. I was like, I should have gotten that tetanus shot last week. Nobody wants to look Joe there. There you go. And I was like, is it a rusty nail? He goes, I don't know. I mean, it doesn't really matter at that point. So then he went, like, waited at a dock in the box to get a tetanus shot. So. So good thing you got it is basically what I'm saying.

[B]

Well, like, I was. So I got the last tetanus shot I got back in 2013 when I did the big round the world trip.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And like, is it every 10 years.

[A]

You'Re supposed to get it? Something like that?

[B]

Yeah, it is. And so that was I was doing, which, you know, I got bit by that dog like six years later. And so I didn't worry about tetanus because I was covered. But it's funny, you know, you think about money and healthcare. When I was going on that trip, you know, we're going to Southeast Asia, we're going to Singapore, we're going to Vietnam, going to Cambodia, we're going to Thailand, going to China. And the doctor's like, well, you know, there's this disease that's in those areas, and if you get it, you'll die. But we have a vaccine for it, but it's $800. And I was like, ah, taking my chances.

[A]

I thought you were going to be like, I Guess I'll get paid.

[B]

Nope. No. I was like, I know. I'm just going to. I'm going to roll the dice on this one. Hopefully I won't be bit by that mosquito. Right. But this is kind of.

[A]

That is kind of crazy.

[B]

Yeah. I got vaccinated for all sorts of stuff when I went over there, though.

[A]

I bet.

[B]

I bet that's when I did the malaria. I told the malaria story. The malaria drugs.

[A]

Malaria drugs are wild. Yeah. I've taken them twice, and both times, Technicolor Man World and Technicolor. I feel like I still have dreams remembering what it was like.

[B]

See, I wanted those dreams. I didn't get them. All I got was the emotion. All I got was the power.

[A]

I can describe them in detail to you because they are vivid, man.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Anyways, my.

[B]

Speaks dreams my little boy. Yesterday. He woke up and he was like, I had the best dream last night. And I was like, oh, what made your dream so great? And he goes, well, Nyla was in it. Nyla's the name of my dog. I was like, oh, God, no.

[A]

Oh, my goodness.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, I know. Kids kill you. They really do. They really do kill you.

[B]

But anyways, so Sophie, she says that lockjaw scared her so bad.

[A]

That was like quicksand.

[B]

It was tetanus. I don't know what it was about tetanus.

[A]

I don't even exactly know what lockjaw was, but I was like, I'm gonna be stuck in quicksand, and my jaw is gonna be stuck open, and that's gonna be how I die.

[B]

Like, if you stepped on a nail, like, you're gonna get tetanus, and it was immediate.

[A]

Immediate. You were gonna get it and then sink into a.

[B]

Honestly, I don't even know. Like, I. I got the. I don't know anything about tetanus. I got the vaccine. Like, do you die if you get it? I mean, is it just like. Or is it just tetanus and rabies were, like, right next to each other?

[A]

Right. Like rabies, you die if you got.

[B]

But. But growing up, I thought if you got either one of those diseases, you died.

[A]

Agreed. Agreed.

[B]

And I have no idea if that's true or not. Like, if you get tetanus, I don't know if you die or not. And they're both similar in that if you step on a nail, you can still get the vaccine and you're fine. Just like if you're bit by a rabid dog, you can still get the vaccine and you're Fine. But at some point I guess you can't because then you have it.

[A]

Once it takes effect, die then.

[B]

I mean.

[A]

Yeah, I don't know. I guess you do. Man. That's crazy. There was a story I was going to tell but I forget now. I don't know. Baby Britney, she's not a baby anymore, says the darndest things. So I was trying. She was saying something and I just.

[B]

Oh. I used to write them down whenever I know.

[A]

That's why I have to tell them on these things because this is going to be my like living journal of these sorts of stories because I will forget everything that they say. But it is very, very.

[B]

I was thinking 20 years we're still doing this. We're gonna look back on these videos when we're all sexy and young.

[A]

No. We'll be like, oh. In fact we weren't really tired back then. We look way better now. After having slept. Yeah. I've been woken up by some variation of kids at 4am for the last four days. I once you start sleeping again after having a baby and then you get woken up, it's the worst. I, it's like you can't do it again.

[B]

I can't remember what we're calling my newest daughter. What are we calling her? Brales.

[A]

Braless. Yes.

[B]

Braless has been very difficult lately when it comes.

[A]

I heard because I got to have lunch with Mrs. Brett today.

[B]

That's right. And it's rough. I need my beauty sleep.

[A]

Well. So I think she's going through what our son is going through which is immense teething. Did I tell you I took him to two emergency doctors?

[B]

Oh wow. Really?

[A]

Yeah. Because I was like, surely something is wrong because he, this is like not normal. Screaming his face off. I was about to get on an airplane so I was like I have to take him to the doctor. Like something is horribly wrong with him. He is fine. He's growing eight teeth at one time. Literal eight teeth are erupting at the same time. He has what is supposedly common eruption cysts. Which is exactly what it sounds like. Fluid filled balls in your mouth. But his were so big it was like a balloon. He couldn't close his mouth so he had like a blister poking out of his teeth, his gums and they were so big he could not close his mouth. And of course that hurts. And we went to the pediatric dentist and they were like, yeah, totally normal. And I was like this is normal this. And they're like actually I was like there's no infection and they're like, not like this is normal. I was like, okay.

[B]

I mean, like, they still, like, drain them or.

[A]

No, because I think that causes infection. Like Tylenol, Motrin. Nothing worked. I mean, this kid had all the painkillers, and it was still like he screamed like a banshee for hours at a time. Yeah. So I was. I'm thinking maybe Brales has the same thing, because, like. And then I looked in his mouth and it looked like a war zone because then all the eruption cysts popped at the same time and it was just, like, a bloody mess in there. It was so gross. Anyway, so that's. Yeah, it was.

[B]

It's funny how many of our shows just devolve into, like, bodily fluid because.

[A]

This is our stage of life.

[B]

It is.

[A]

What can I say? Okay, so let's talk about some happy things. It's the holiday season. It is. I have a girl's Christmas pajama party night that I'm going to. Very excited.

[B]

That's awesome. We put up the tree. We got our tree yesterday. Kids were putting lights. Did you. Tonight, you.

[A]

So you're. This is a good question. In a perfect world, I would love a real tree, but the reality of where my life is is I. I do fake trees for the.

[B]

I grew up doing fake trees.

[A]

And I know you love. I do, too.

[B]

Now I get real trees.

[A]

I don't. I just can't. I. That just. There's too much going on. I don't know what we're gonna do this year because Alisun is so mobile. Britney was amazing. She didn't try to pull down ornaments. She didn't try to mess with the light. She was just like, respect. I like this tree. And she left it alone. I can already tell that Alison is going to, like, wreak havoc as soon as we put a tree up. So I'm kind of delaying it.

[B]

Yeah, we talked about that a little bit with Bralis, but we'll just grab her when she gets close. I don't know.

[A]

I don't know, man.

[B]

Yeah. I love the real tree. I like the real tree.

[A]

I. I love the real tree. I think when I don't have small children in my. Like, that I have to take care of all the time. That will absolutely be the thing I go back to because we had real trees before we had kids.

[B]

It's just fun, you know?

[A]

It smells great. It's wonderful.

[B]

Put it up. Kids love it.

[A]

We're actually going to go to a Christmas tree farm this weekend.

[B]

Now, I'll say this. When we take the easy way out. We go to Home Depot.

[A]

I don't think that's easy because. Have you tried to cut down a tree? It's hard. It's like real hard.

[B]

Well, that's what I'm saying. The Home Depot. You don't have to cut them down. They just like, come to you. You go to a tree farm, you got to come down. So we.

[A]

Costco has trees here. Did you see?

[B]

Do they really?

[A]

That's new. I mean, it's like the exact same. It's like an eight foot. You know, there's no variety, but. But I mean, way to go, Costco.

[B]

The first year we lived here, we went to a Christmas tree farm. It was actually the same.

[A]

That's the one we're going to this weekend.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It's like. It's like an event, right? Like, you can go cut down your Christmas tree, but you, like, see Santa and do a little sleigh ride.

[B]

It's like a. It's like a Hallmark movie, basically.

[A]

It really is.

[B]

I watched a Hallmark movie last night. It's called the Christmas Cup. It's a new Hallmark.

[A]

Sounds great. I'm probably gonna go watch one after this because. Tis the season, man.

[B]

No Christmas Cup. It was fine. It was stupid. But it was like.

[A]

But I like the stupid.

[B]

I like the stupid ones, too.

[A]

I really do.

[B]

It was good. I mean, I actually enjoyed it. It wasn't as dumb. I talked about this one on Twitter a little bit, and I want to keep you on that, but I do want to talk about this movie. It's called Finding Santa. And it was so stupid. It was so dumb. It was like. It just didn't make any sense. So basically, town that loves Christmas, right? So I have. I have a bingo card that I do. I've shared it with Alice before, but I have a bingo card.

[A]

It's a good one.

[B]

And basically I put a whole bunch of things that randomizes it. You know, you don't always get the same ones, but it's all the sort of beats of the Hallmark Christmas movies. And so one of them is town that Loves Christmas. So we start in a town that loves Christmas, and one of them is putting on or saving a Christmas event. They're having their famous parade. And this year their famous parade is going to be featured on a national television broadcast. It's going to bring all this tourism to the town and save it. And because they're a town that loves Christmas, they also just so happen to have one of the world's greatest Santas who Not only is a great Santa, but has started a Santa school in the town. So he runs the Santa school. So he's going to be the Santa.

[A]

This actually sounds like a great movie.

[B]

But in the opening act, he slips and falls and breaks his arm. So he can't do the Santa thing, right? So. But all of his Santas who graduated from Santa school, they're already booked other places, obviously, because it's Christmas. And so our heroine is trying to figure out, like, what am I going to do? How am I going to find a Santa this late in the season? And they're like, well, there is one Santa. And you know, Santa's like, no, no, Mrs. Claus, not him. And Mr. Claus is like, yes, Santa. I can't remember Santa's actual name. It's our son, Ben. So Ben had gone to Santa school and had been like the greatest student to ever go through Santa school. Now look, if you're thinking the same thing, I am, which is what exactly does Santa school entail? Is it like a university?

[A]

What does it entail?

[B]

Does it have multiple classes?

[A]

Drinking milk?

[B]

Is it like years long? Training? Is it like a few hours? But anyways, he had been the greatest student to ever come through Santa school. But after he graduated, he put down the beard and left and went to Boston. Right? He abandoned Santa Ing and went to Boston. So of course, our heroine, who needs a Santa, she goes off to Boston to find him. Well, it turns out he's a writer in Boston. And so she goes to this deli and she's like, your dad broke his arm and we need a Santa and you're the only one. He's like, I can't do it. I have renounced Santa forever. And the thing is, he's like, I have to write. I have to focus on my writing. Like, I can't do Santa Ing.

[A]

Santa works like one month a year.

[B]

Exactly. But anyways. But then he's like, and I'm always here in between rides. And she's like, what do you mean rides? Well, it turns out he's an Uber driver and he goes to this cafe and he, like, writes until he gets some. A ride share request and he has to go jump in his car and drive. And I'm like, this is the. What are you talking about? That's like the worst possible way to write. We're getting inner, you know, interrupted by Ubers. Anyways, so she eventually gets him to go back. You know, he goes back to Santa's school and sort of remembers all things. Anyways, obviously, eventually he Decides. And the thing is, it's never revealed. It's not like what. What tragedy or horrific event occurred that led him to where he couldn't even be Santa for 10 minutes in the parade. Like, that would be too much for him. But he eventually overcomes that. He becomes Santa. And of course, he moves back to run the Santa school and realizes he can run the Santa school and write at the same time. And so they end up living there happily ever after.

[A]

Well, now I've just looked up best Christmas movies of 2025, and I'm basically going to work my way through them. Like, tonight.

[B]

Is the Christmas cup on there?

[A]

I don't see it yet. Must be near the bottom.

[B]

The Christmas cup, by the way, was one of those. I'll say this, and then we can go ahead and sign off, but one of my squares on Bingo is like, a job that must begin on Christmas. So this woman, she's run so the Christmas Cup. It's like these two towns, they compete and they have teams, and so she's the captain of one of these teams, and her job, her new job is supposed to start on, like, January 2nd, but that's fine because she can captain the team, right? Because the competition occurs on Christmas Day. Well, then, of course, an hour and 15 minutes into the movie, she gets a call, and the boss is like, well, I know your job starts on January 2nd, but we need you here on Christmas Day to go ahead and, like, fill out the paperwork and stuff and get the training you need to start on January 2nd. And it's like, this is the stupidest. This happens in all these Hallmark movies. It is utterly ridiculous to think everyone.

[A]

Else shuts down at Christmas.

[B]

But you've got to be there to start your job, literally on Christmas Day. That's the day you got to be there. Just wild.

[A]

Anyway, this is not a definitive list. I literally just Googled. This is the first list that came up.

[B]

So see if I can find the Christmas Chris.

[A]

Sorry I broke it up. It's Good Housekeeping, but it was the first one that came up on Google. But I'm gonna make my way through it.

[B]

Oh, there it is. Christmas Cup. Staff Sergeant Kelly Brandt. See, she's. It's funny because obviously it's. The movie's made in Canada. It's very Canadian. It's like the most Canadian movie ever. But it's. It's. They're all Americans, and so she's a Marine, you know, and it's just so funny. It's. This is great.

[A]

Well, I can't wait. So this has been fun, but I'm gonna go watch some Christmas movies.

[B]

This has been fun. This has been great. Thank you to everyone for joining us for this non true crime episode. We always enjoy talking to you guys about all this stuff. I hope you enjoyed it too. I'm not going to go through all the stuff. You know where to find us. If you're listening to this, pretty sure you already know who we are and where to find us. So I'll just go ahead and sign off. But until we meet again, she's Alice and he's Brett. Nothing good happens after D. Sa.