← The Psychology of your 20s
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Podcast Host
Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another episode as we of course break down the psychology of our 20s. Today's episode is for all of my late bloomers, all my late bloomers out there who are in 20s, living deeply fulfilling lives, going at their own pace, experiencing life fully but feeling like all of it kind of means nothing because they have never been in a relationship before. They've never really dated, they'd never been kissed, been in love, had the kind of intimate experiences everyone else is seemingly having. And they are feeling. Well, they're feeling left behind. Let's not sugarcoat it. It's really, really tough. Being a late bloomer is hard. Our 20s are confusing enough without feeling like there is this thing. We are constantly waiting to finally happen and life just hasn't really started until it has. You know, love is this wonderful, beautiful, life changing thing. And so when it hasn't been a part of your story so far, you can feel like, A, you failed, B, you're missing out, and perhaps C, perhaps it will never be on the cards for you, perhaps it is never going to happen. And that in itself, it's such a scary thought. So I'm really just here to assure you this is my primary goal today, that none of the above is true. You are not a failure. You are not completely missing out on life. And just because it hasn't happened yet doesn't mean that it never will. The past is not a prediction of the future. In this case, we've been told all these things about when we should date, what love should feel like, why you need to be having sex and flings, why time is running out for you. You know that you should be looking for a relationship, but when we slow it down, your biggest focus in your 20s should be you. A relationship, a romantic history. It says absolutely nothing about your worth or where you're going. And I think that it should be nothing more than a bonus to an already fabulous life that you've created for yourself. So I really want to help you if you are a late bloomer struggling with the fact that a relationship just hasn't been in your timeline yet. I really want today's episode to allow you to go forward with a little bit more ease, a little bit more grace, a little bit less comparison, and just full acceptance that things have worked out the way they needed to and they will continue to unfold in the best possible way. That might include love that's just around the corner in a couple of weeks. It may include love that's around the corner in a couple of years. But having confidence in who you are, having confidence in your future, in your dating experience, knowing that it will happen, that is the most important thing that you can have right now. It's actually probably more important than a relationship. Having confidence in yourself and knowing that you can handle it no matter what happens. So without further ado, There is way too much in this episode for me to keep rambling. This is a huge episode, one I have waited so long to do. And we're finally getting to it. So let's get into it. Alright, team, let's start at the very beginning. What is a late bloomer? Well, I actually think there are two ways of seeing it. A late bloomer can be, of course, a developmental term. It can also be a feeling. So the first kind of definition in healthcare and medicine, late bloomer is a term to describe a child who is essentially not meeting certain developmental milestones when they should. You know, you bring your little babe, your little baby, your little infant into a doctor's office and they say, oh, can they talk yet? Are they babbling? Can they walk yet? And if the answer is no, and they should be, they say, oh, they've. They're a late bloomer, they're taking their time. You kind of get the picture. This term is based on the assumption that our progress through life, through childhood, adolescence, adulthood, should be measurable, predictable. And as human beings, we should all follow a very similar path. When we aren't, well, then there is something, quote unquote, wrong with us that needs to be seen to. There's something that needs to be fixed. Hopefully. You see where I'm going with this. You know, there really isn't a predictable way that we all go through life. But you know, for the sake of childhood development, maybe that is true when we are quite young. There is a very rigid way of seeing our physical and cognitive development. But slowly as we get older, that also, that rigidity, that inflexibility, that timeline starts to also apply to our social development and the relational or interpersonal milestones that we should be hitting in our teens and twenties should being the most important word here and there is this belief that if you haven't had your first kiss, you haven't had sex, you haven't had your first relationship by a certain period during those formative years, again, something is wrong, something's wrong with you. Obviously, if you cannot tell by the tone of my voice, I believe this is false. But it leads me to the second way of seeing the term late bloomer. And that's not so much as a definition as it would. As we would have it in childhood. It's as a feeling. Being a late bloomer is an individual appraisal and feeling of being behind. Like when you look at your life and you look at the norm, the norm is further ahead than you are when it comes to some special event. Or thing that you think should have happened to you by now. There's one problem with this, of course, which is that with possibly millions, almost probably like dozens of millions of other people the same age as you are now, across all continents and countries, there is no way to know exactly what the norm is based on all of those averages. There is actually no way to know if you are truly behind. We tend to just base it off of a skewed sample of those around us and what the media or other influences are telling us, and it often ends up making us feel terrible. The second point I want to make here is, so what? So what? The norm is not where you are. Why does that really matter if this is the pace that you've gone at, if this is your life story and no one else's, if this is just how it's worked out, if you're happy, why does it matter if the norm is further ahead, if other people have made different choices than you? Let's talk about the two main ways that we can kind of feel like a late bloomer or feel behind in our 20s. The first one is, of course, relationships. Specifically, never having been in one, but also never having dated, never having had that kind of intimate connection with someone, never having had that intimacy. Because we see relationships and attraction and love as such a reflection of ourselves. And as a society we put dating on a pedestal, it can sometimes feel like if it hasn't happened yet, something, we must be going about it wrong. We are unattractive, we must be undesirable, not funny, not confident enough, not enough because everyone else has figured out how to do it, but we haven't. We can also feel like equally like we're missing out, especially during our 20s and during this decade where there is a lot of chatter and a lot of conversations around relationships. And it's this big storyline that we're all kind of obsessed with during this decade. You know, often it's portrayed to us as if there is something very sacred contained in the relationship experience. And if you haven't had the chance to experience it yet, well, you're missing out. And of course, when that's the way that you're made to feel, you want it even more. As the saying goes, you know, humans want what they can't have. And so it's not uncommon to feel, maybe jealous or envious or frustrated even at your coupled friends, or to sometimes, yeah, believe that your life would be so much better and you'd finally be happier if it would just finally happen for you. So There's a great deal of longing and there's also a great deal of insecurity, which is totally normal. It also certainly doesn't help that our society, oh by gosh, do they love to single shame. In fact, a study done at a UK university a couple of years ago that I quote quite a lot, it examined single shaming and it found that statements like, oh, you know, all the good ones will be taken soon, or statements like you're just too picky or being given unsolicited advice as a single person, that's part of the single shaming experience and it can actually cause people to rush into relationships quicker. But they found that these same relationships end up disintegrating sooner because the person that you pick out of desperation is probably not going to be the right person for you. But again, there's no judgment here. You're facing this weird catch 22. You feel like you're a failure if you're alone, but if you were to date just anyone and settle, you wouldn't be happy either. Tough. Really tough. I actually asked you all over on Instagram to share your experiences with this because I think we can learn the most from people going through it with us. And there was this one story that illustrated this struggle very, very well. This came from a listener called Siobhan who lives in Ireland. Ireland. Ireland. Sorry, my Australian accent makes that hard to say. Anyways, Siobhan, I'm 27 and I've never been in a long term relationship, but I feel so ready. It feels like I'm waiting until I find love for my life to start, but I don't want it to be just anyone. I am the last of my friends to date. Some of my friends are even married. And for the people who don't understand what that feels like, imagine going out with all your friends and they all get let into an exclusive club whilst you have to sit outside. Sometimes they'll come out of the club and sit with you for a little bit, but they always end up going back in whilst you were never let inside. At the end of the night they talk about how fun it was and have all these stories and you're sitting there thinking, I can't relate to any of this, but I so desperately wish I could. That's what it feels like to be the last single friend. I switch between feeling extremely desperate and also wanting to take my time. But I worry that as I get older, I'll never get to have this experience and I'm running out of time. I'll Never get to have those feelings. And that makes me so beyond depressed to think about. I just want to join the club. Oh my gosh, Siobhan, that last line. I just want to join that club. That sentence that hit me because I think we have all in some capacity been there. That's such a human experience. I remember exactly what that felt like. Wanting to know everyone's stories, wanting to know everyone's dating stories and relationship stories so that I was prepared, but equally not wanting them to know I couldn't participate in the conversation the way that they were because I didn't have any of those stories of my own. And feeling like everyone was part of this like secret society and I just like didn't have access to the secrets yet. It's really, really hard, especially when it makes it hard to relate to other people as well. And especially when you don't have other single friends or you don't have other late bloomer friends who you can sometimes just like, you know, relish in the pity with. Sometimes you just want to feel shit with someone else by your side. Let's talk about another aspect of being a late bloomer in your 20s and that is virginity. Being in your 20s and not having had sex yet can feel like there is a big banner above your head and everyone knows and everyone's judging you and you're judging you. And again, the debate is between do I wait or do I just get it over with? It feels like if you didn't have sex as a teenager, you must have been lame or uncool or unattractive or undesirable. And now if you were to have sex, the person would know that you don't know what you're doing. I'm going to say this right now. Most people when it comes to sex in their twenties don't know what they're doing anyways, so you don't have to worry about that. It's also important to say people don't have sex for so many reasons. Health reasons, religious reasons, asexuality, personal choice because they want it to be meaningful. That's a good enough reason as any. Any of those reasons are good reasons. Plus many, many more. You know, I had another DM from someone talking about how their friends like the reason it was so hard to talk about being a virgin or acknowledge it in their 20s was because their friends would always put pressure on them on nights out to just get it over with and they would push her towards random guys and men and they would go up to them and tell Them that she was a virgin, which had me like, gobbit, like gobber smacked gobbergala. I don't even have words like, I'm literally speechless even talking about that because that is quite frank. Disgusting. Like that's disgusting. Why was it any of their business? And why was like her virginity some fun little, like, party trick that they could get drunk and like play with? You know, I just think that's awful. And in all honesty, I wish I'd waited. I'm somewhat envious of those who have and now get to make an informed decision with a more developed brain about when they want to to have sex with someone. You know, my first time was such a bad experience and it definitely damaged my relationship with sex for some time. And I remember thinking, why did I do that? Why did I do that with that person? And it was because I felt like everyone else around me was doing it. And I didn't want to be left out. I didn't want to fall behind. I didn't want everyone else to look at me and say, well, something's wrong with you. You're not part of the club. And as someone who just got it over with, it was a huge mistake. Choosing not to have sex or just not having it because you haven't had it yet says no more about your self worth than having had a lot of sex. Honestly. We need to talk about virginity shaming more during this decade, more during our 20s and even in our 30s as well. Because A virginity shaming, much like single shaming, is so rife and B, it's just quite frankly a weird thing to do. It's a weird thing to shame someone for what they've chosen to do with their body sometimes. I do find that the sex positivity movement has done so much incredible work for reducing stigma around sex and having a lot of it, and not too much about the stigma of not having any, despite the fact that they are both individual choices to do with bodily autonomy. I want to bring in another study here, and it was a 2022 study that actually looked at the emotional consequences of virginity shaming amongst 30 adult virgins between the ages of 20 to 29. And it found that participants felt that virginity shaming made it hard for them to feel like they belonged. They felt that they weren't accepted for who they were and they had to justify or explain their choices when asked. They felt more shy when it came to approaching people, not because they were naturally shy individuals. There was no correlation with introversion, only because they felt like people would be able to tell or would judge them, and they felt less desirable. And most of them also felt like they were running out of time, especially the women. Essentially, it can make us feel like everyone else is ahead in this made up game of life and we better catch up quick. Again, my big, big question is why? Why do you need to catch up? Just ask yourself that one now. Why? What is so good about the norm? What is so good about doing it the way everyone else has done it? So there are some other ways that we can be a late bloomer. I'm not really going to touch on them today, but in terms of career, professional milestones, moving out of home, finding friends, finding independence, all other valid ways. But I do really want to focus on relationships here. I really want to focus on being a late bloomer in love. And our main question now is why is it so hard to feel at peace with the fact that you are going at your own pace or taking your time? Why is that so horrible? What's with the external but also internalized shame around being a late bloomer? Where does that come from? Let's talk about it. I think first of all, it comes from this very romantic view of life whereby you find love early on and each step naturally leads you to the next. And you've met your soulmate and you've done everything by the age of 16 and you're an adult and you're a big girl and you never hesitate and you're never alone, you never doubt yourself, you never go backwards and everything is forward, forward, forward. That's just not what it's honestly like when it comes to relationships and love and figuring yourself out as well. But we've been taught to embrace the linear typical timeline and to squeeze ourselves into the skin and life of someone who has done it all in seemingly the right time, even when that life is not right for us. And the alternative to not having done it that way is a lot of fomo, a lot of shame, a lot of sadness. So this whole experience has another name. It's called social clock theory. So social clock theory, this is the theory you need to know if you are experiencing a lot of late bloomer dread. It was introduced by the American psychologist Bernice Newarkarten back in the 60s. And it basically refers to the culturally and socially constructed timeline for achieving major life milestones like graduating, securing a career, getting married, having children, having sex, all those things. Late bloomers, those of us who deviate from this expected timeline, they often experience social pressure, self doubt, feeling behind because of A social desire for conformity that they just haven't met. And you know, there was even research back in the 90s that suggests that individuals who fall outside of the societal expectations in any of these ways, they really struggle with comparison and with lowered self esteem. Because naturally, comparison is what a lot of this comes down to. We are naturally comparative creatures as well. And we do want to make sure we're doing it all right compared to the average, because the alternative is that we're somehow doing it wrong. We're not like others, we're not normal, and we're at a higher risk of being ostracized. Now that fear of being ostracized is a very primal one, which is what makes it so hard to shut down, even if rationally, you know that it's all going to be okay. You're going to find love, you're going to have sex, you're going to do it all. You're just taking your time. When it comes to love in particular and relationships, I think our comparison evolves into something even harder to deal with called shiny object syndrome. Now this is actually an economics or like a consumer economics term. I like to adapt it to be used when it comes to comparison and wanting what we can't have. So it's not just that we feel inadequate, it's that we are then continually drawn and obsessed with the thing that we don't have, with this new shiny thing that everyone else has that we just need to have at the expense of everything else. It's an obsession. You know, that shiny object, this shiny idea of love, we're so obsessed with it, will do anything for it. But then when we get it, we realize, oh, you know, this is not really all that I was told it was going to be. This really like, yes, it's great, yes, it's fine. But I sacrificed so much to get this. Was it even worth it? Why did I feel like I was in such a rush? And it's because of the social impact and the social drive to fit in. Shiny object theory also explains why psychologically we don't believe that we will be happy if we don't have what everyone else has. Something I'm sure many of you can relate to. So social clock theory is a really important one to know. And it also really links to, of course, milestone anxiety, this increasing sense of dread as time goes on that you are not reaching certain milestones when you should. So there was some research released in 2022 that some of you may have actually seen, and it polled around 2,000 young adults. And it asked them, in terms of where everyone else sits, in terms of what you think you should be doing, where you think you should be, do you feel behind? I want you to just mentally for me, how many of these individuals, from the age of 19 to 39, how many of them said, I feel behind? Here's your answer. 80%. Well over a majority. It really begs the question, 80%, if 8 out of 10 of us feel behind, why isn't feeling behind the norm? Why is it that the minority of people who feel like somehow they have it all together and have done it all correctly, why are they the ones who are doing it right? Surely it seems that having a bit more fluidity and flexibility and kind of veering off the path every now and again, that seems like the right way to do it. If the majority of people are doing it that way. And again, if I haven't said it already, who is making up these milestones? Like, I didn't give my input. I don't remember being invited to a focus group. I don't remember anyone asking me all these questions about when I had sex for the first time and when my first relationship was and putting it into a big spreadsheet to find the in many, many ways, these milestones and the ages attached to them are imaginary. It doesn't mean it doesn't still feel hard and distressing and uncomfortable when we don't conform. But I want you to remember it's not as real and tangible as you think it is. No one is comparing you to some factual spreadsheet that has the exact age and number of months that you should have completed this by. So at the end of the day, we do still know this is difficult. What are some of the emotional consequences of being a late bloomer in this world? And what do we do about it? What do we do about it when just getting into a relationship, just getting out there and dating isn't really an option? Well, we are going to talk about all of that as well as so so much more. How to date as a late bloomer Some of the biggest anxieties that we deal with after this short break.
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Amy Brown
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Seats.
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Amy Brown
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- [29:02]
Podcast Host
We've already spoken about a few of the consequences that we face of being a late bloomer. One we haven't spoken about yet is shame. If you are a late bloomer, I am sure that shame is a frequent emotion in your emotional toolkit. I want to read you another story from a listener here about the shame of not having done it all on this imaginary timeline. Here we go. I'm 21 and I haven't even held hands romantically or had my first kiss. There is a lot of shame surrounding this. I feel so inexperienced, like no one will want me because I don't know what I'm doing. I'm definitely an introvert and struggle putting myself out there. One part of me has acknowledged that I'm still so young. Why rush? My time will come. I will find someone who loves me. The other part of me continues to find that the shame comes and goes in waves. I want to say this. I actually asked a group of my friends at dinner the other night. It was about 14 of us at dinner, some men, some women, some queer, some heterosexual. I like put it towards the table. Would you hesitate to date someone because they were inexperienced? Not one of them said yes. All of them says, that doesn't really matter to me as long as we click. Some people even said, hey, it might even be an upside, might even be a positive thing because they're not jaded, you know, they have less baggage. We get to experience this. Like, I feel like I'll get to experience what it feels like to fall in love for the first time again with this person because it's all fresh and new to them. But that battle between trying to be hopeful and also succumbing to shame is a very common one. You've got to remember shame is a social emotion. No human child person naturally comes out of the womb feeling shame. It's something that is taught to you. It is something that you have been made to feel. So I want you to interrogate and really think, when was the first time I was made to feel ashamed for this? What was that person probably thinking? What were they projecting onto me? And why in the world was it any of their business? Another emotional consequence, another side of this is also fear. We've spoken about this a little bit, but what if it never happens? What if I never find love? It's probably a bit scary to even hear me say that, right? Firstly, I'm just gonna say it. It's highly unlikely, entirely unlikely. It's going to clear that up for you. It just hasn't been your time yet. Doesn't mean it won't happen. And I'm allowed to say this. I feel like I have permission to say this because I have seen this happen again and again and again. I have seen friends of mine who were in their 30s and never had a serious relationship. Find someone. I have seen people who are 27, 28, never had sex, never had a kiss, and suddenly it just all starts happening for them. It's okay to feel afraid of that possibility. I think the reason that we do feel particularly afraid of what it would be like to never have that experience is because there are very Few examples of what that looks like. You know, there are very few people out there who are open about being a virgin at 40. There are very few influencers who are 50 and have never been in a relationship. And that means that if you're 20 or 19 or 25 or 28 or whatever age you are looking for some sign that you will be okay even if it doesn't happen, you aren't going to struggle to find one because the stigma likes to keep those people silent. And so therefore, you will struggle to feel like it is acceptable. And the fear of it not happening is going to be a lot bigger to that fear. Let me also say this. 85% of our worst fears never come true. It's probably an even higher number. It's probably something around 90% and for the 10, 15%. And that might come true. Studies have continuously shown that people handle those situations, the very situations they feared more than any other. Way better than they expected they would, way better than they thought that they ever could. So even if it never happens, what's to say you still won't have an amazing life? You still won't be deeply happy, have love in other forms. I think in order to release our shame around being a late bloomer, we have to let go of the fear that if things were never to change, we wouldn't necessarily be miserable. You would be okay. You are going to be okay. And I have seen it happen. I just really. I know I've already said this, but, oh, my gosh, I just wish I could tell you how many times I have seen single friends of mine find their first relationship, start dating for the first time at 35 or even older, had sex for the first time in their late 20s and just found that suddenly one day the circumstances are perfect. The right person just walks in, and because they didn't rush or settle like so many of us, they have all the maturity and readiness to be 100% in, 100% committed, and they get to have all those experiences they've ever dreamed of. I'll also say this. Sorry, I'm not even done with my point yet. I think the reason that you're convinced it will never happen is because you don't know what it will feel like when it does. You can only ruminate on what you do know, which is where you are right now, which is the situation in which it hasn't happened yet. That is the only feeling that you are familiar with. And so that feeling is so much stronger than the alternative feeling of knowing what it feels like to be in love. So always what is known, what is normal, what is status quo for you is going to dominate over possibility. And so the voice in your head that's saying this is what's. What it's always going to be like is naturally going to be so much louder than the part of you who is saying, hey, but look at this situation that could potentially happen. It hasn't happened yet. There's less salience to it, there's less depth to it. It feels less believable. Doesn't mean that it is. So with all of this in mind, I want to talk about how we can embrace being a late bloomer and feel more confident when dating, when putting ourselves out there, but also more confident with taking our time. I'm going to start this section by giving you an affirmation here. And it's a quote that actually came from Mulan, the movie. It's one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. The last flower to bloom is the most beautiful of all and it's normally the one that blooms the longest. And I found that very much to be true. There's another quote that I think accompanies this one. You should never trust an elevator that rises too fast because it doesn't last. And the reason I think it's necessary to bring these up is because it highlights an important truth. The slower you think you're moving through life, the more you are actually getting to experience and take it all in. The less you're rushing, meaning the longer you get to be in the process of blooming rather than fully blossomed, fully flowered, rather than at the final stage of development, thinking, oh, I got here so fast, I didn't even get to enjoy my own evolution. Now, I've spoken to people about this who have seemingly found everything very, very early on. We would assume, or as a late bloomer, it would be very easy for you to assume that they must be really, really happy, that they must not have their any doubts about their future. Actually, it's quite the opposite. One of the sentiments I actually hear a lot that people, you know, they're not very loud about because it feels strange to talk about, but it's a sentiment I actually hear from a lot of my friends who found their long term partner qu and I'm talking under the age of 26, 25. A lot of them say, I wish that I got to enjoy being single a little bit longer. I wish that I had not rushed so fast. I wish that I just known it was going to Happen and just let myself enjoy the single period for a longer time with more ease. You know, the grass is always greener. I guess. I think my biggest tip is to remember this, is to remember there is absolutely no way of knowing. No way of knowing that if it had happened any differently, you would be any happier. But secondly, that doesn't mean you don't get to grieve the early experiences that you wish you'd had. As much as I'm trying to convince you that it's not as important as you think, you can take your time, that's very easy for me to say, considering that I've had them and I know that if you haven't, it can really feel like you've missed out. It's okay to be sad about that. If not for you right now, even if you're happy right now, it's okay to be sad for the version of you who really wanted it to happen. But then we have to get focused on the future. And counter to what you might think, just because it hasn't happened doesn't make you any less desirable, any less attractive. You can still have a really rewarding dating life and a really amazing dating life. Actually, I'm gonna even. I'm gonna bump it up here. You can still have the best dating life just because it hasn't happened yet. And I think that really means sinking very deeply into, you know, what makes you unique and knowing what makes you really, really happy and knowing that the asset you have now is that you have greater maturity, you're more independent. You have all these other life lessons that other people may have neglected in their, like, pursuit of love. So if you're in that phase of being like, all right, cool, I'm feeling insecure about this, but I want to get back out there. I want you to start by trying to cut out the rumination and do things that you find interesting and that make you interesting and that you think are interesting. So I'm talking confidence through. I guess confidence through opportunity and experience and passion. Put yourself into group situations, doing things you love. Join roller derby, join field hockey, join ceramics class. Get yourself around people. Get yourself feeling alive. Find groups that align with your interests and insert yourself into them. Show up, be present, talk to people. Let me say this, for all the emphasis on dating apps, the meet cute is not dead. And I know that dating apps can feel really overwhelming. If you haven't had some of those early dating experiences, you can meet people without them. Like, I'm saying this as someone who literally sometimes does Advertisements for dating apps, they are not absolutely necessary. You can still meet amazing people face to face, and maybe that's what's more comfortable for you, because you get to actually know them and have a friendship first, which feels more authentic. So my first big tip, get into groups. Get into communities where you feel aligned with people. Secondly, make a bucket list of things that you want to do that have nothing to do with love and sex and relationships. Sometimes I find when there's this one thing that we feel we're missing out on, all we can think about is that one thing. It's the shiny object syndrome, right? My God, there's this shiny thing and I'm obsessed with it. And if I don't have it, I'm going to die. It's going to be awful. I'm going to be miserable. That's the only thing that's going to make me happy. Stop. No. That's a fallacy. Your brain is trying to tell you you can be happy doing a hell of a lot more things. So I want you to make a bucket list of all the things that you really want to do to make sure you're continuing to put time into yourself, even though you feel maybe held back by being a late bloomer. Make sure that your life is just overflowing in every other area. I also want you to make a second list of things that you can only do when you're single that your future self is going to thank you for doing now. And let me tell you this, they're gonna thank you. I did this when I was single and I'm so glad I did, because when you have shared a bed with someone for like, the 5,000th night in a row, sometimes you miss being single and in your own bed and just, like, getting to do whatever you wanted. Like, there are actual perks to having, like, that freedom and like, like just agency to just do anything and not have to consider someone else and not have to think about their opinion and not have to, you know, not have to really understand that you're doing this as a partnership and just have some, have some fun with your single life. I also want you to, if you're getting back into dating, treat dating as an experiment and take it in stages. It can feel very overwhelming to go from not dating, not having anything romantic really happening to you, to being like, oh, my God, I'm on five dates in a week and this is exhausting and I have to talk to all these people and I just can't manage the emotional intensity of it. So take it in stages. Start by just having conversations with people you find attractive. You're allowed to talk to people you find attractive. I was like, oh, they don't want to talk to me. Who gives a fck you're cool. Who cares? Like, you're a cool person if they don't want to talk to you like they're an asshole. Talk to them even if you feel judged, even if you feel embarrassed, whatever, who cares? That's their problem. You're a catch. You're an absolute catch. Also, you'll be surprised by how much of that is in your own head and how many people do actually find you really interesting and fun and want to talk to you and find you attractive. Secondly, download the dating apps if you want, but for the first little bit, just like people, like, just engage with their profiles. Don't go out with anyone. Don't do any of that. Practice some flirting. I want you to just start by liking people. I just want you to start by seeing that people like you back. Then start by talking to people. Please be picky. I do not want to see you giving likes out or swiping left, right. Swiping, yes. I don't know which way it is anymore. Swiping yes. On people who you aren't attracted to. We are not settling in this moment. We are not saying, oh, well, you know, they look like they'd accept me. They look like, I can't be picky. I can't go for the hot ones. I can't go for the people who seem more experienced. None of that. We are only engaging with people on the dating apps who we would genuinely really like to date and think are really attractive and cool. Once you have just started to talk to people, I want you to wait for someone to ask you out. Now, normally I would say, go and ask someone else. Go and ask someone else out. Go and just like, shoot your shot. I think you deserve for someone to ask you out. I think that you deserve to have that experience. So wait for them. You have plenty of years to ask other people out. If it's going to be your first date. If you're just starting out again, make them come to you. It will make you feel confident, it will make you feel desired. And then go on a date. Oh, my gosh, how fun. I have a whole episode on this called how to have better first dates. Genuinely, the amount of dms and comments I get from people saying, this is how I met my partner. I used those tips and suddenly I didn't feel nervous anymore. Had the best first date of my life. Now we've been dating. I love that episode. Listen to that episode. But also remember your main objective here is to have fun and learn things about yourself. Dating is a lot. Meeting new people is a lot. Sometimes you need to disconnect from the event and the significance of it for you to really enjoy it. It. I have a friend who, she also took a while to start dating and when she went on those first few dates, it was so nerve wracking and she really couldn't get over the mental barrier of it. So I told her, I want you to think of it like it's a. You're writing an article like she's a journalist. And I was like, you know, when you go on those dates, you're like, yes, you're there to have the date, but you're also there to like investigate. You're there to like get information or I want you to imagine that like you're on this date, but actually you're on a TV show. We just want some kind of cognitive distancing so you don't just think, oh my God, it's a first date, it's a date. And this is so intense and it has to go well. This is just experimental for you. Remember, you're in your experimental phase. You're just getting to know yourself more through this dating period. It's going to be scary. It's going to be scary. But being scared is actually an important part of the process. I also want you to remember two final things. If someone is on a date with you, if someone is talking to you, they are doing that by choice. You know, if they didn't want to be there, they wouldn't be there. They are at the very least a little bit curious about you. Before you start overthinking as well, I want you to also remember, you cannot say the wrong thing to the right person. Please, please be authentically yourself. You have worked so hard to be that way for your entire life. Don't give it up now just because you have this potential of getting into a relationship. Let me just say this. Yes, the right relationship is amazing. If it's the wrong relationship, it's just a waste of your fcking time. So please don't settle. You know, there's a 2013 study that I think of all the time when I give people this advice, I quote it always. And it's about how people who have an innate fear of being single actually tend to settle for a whole lot less. And the people who end up settling. When they come back to them in two years time, they are a whole lot less happy compared to people who were also in the experiment who stayed single for that same amount of time. So we got two groups of people here. The people who settled, the people who said, no, I like who I am. I'm going to stay this way and wait for the right person. That group was happier. I want you to be part of that group. Please do not settle for less. Be authentic. You cannot say the wrong thing to the right person. You will lose nothing. Nothing, nothing, nothing. You only have things to gain by showing up as your true self. I want to finish up this episode doing two things. Firstly is I want to talk about the pros of being a late bloomer and then I want to finish on a story. Let's quickly go through some pros for when you're feeling shitty about your circumstances, maybe a bit uncomfortable, upset about how it's gone so far. If you've never been in a relationship, that shows great strength because I bet you've had opportunities and you've chosen not to settle. Even if you didn't realize you had opportunities, unconsciously your brain has been like, yeah, that's not for us. You as a late bloomer are a lot more mature. You're a lot more intuitive. You are going to be better at advocating for yourself in a relationship compared to, you know, 14 and 15 year old you who didn't know themselves as well. You can be more present in your experiences. You can make choices that align better with who you are. Also, it's going to feel more special. Like seriously, it's going to feel so much more special and you've had time to understand your needs and your wants. That means that you're less likely to make some of the stupid mistakes that people make when they start dating and having sex really early on. And you're going to be more grounded. You're going to be more grounded in who you are, what you want, and in the beauty and the magic of your relationship. I want to finish with this story and I actually found this story on Reddit, but I just think it is so wonderful. So this came from a page on Reddit which was advice for late bloomers. Here we go. I think I appreciate my wife so much more because I missed the whole prom, homecoming, early dating stuff. Early in life. My name was not written on anyone's Trapper Keeper. No girl's dad had to warn me to bring home their kid before 11pm I missed all that. So when I dated later in my 20s I made sure to be the best man I could be. Even now I'm still trying to live up to that, but everything just feels so much more special and important that I think it would have felt if I'd done all this younger. How beautiful is that? How absolutely beautiful is that? And that is the tone I want to finish this episode on. So thank you my lovely, lovely late bloomer listeners. Look at that. Say that five times. Thank you for listening. Oh my gosh. Say that five times. Thank you so much for listening. I really do appreciate you getting here, getting this far into the episode. I hope you feel confident, at ease. I want to hear your affirmations and what makes you feel better about being a late bloomer in the comments. I know so many people asked me for this episode and so many people could really gain something from your personal wisdom. So please share below. Connect with other late bloomers. I want to hear from you. Make sure that you are following me on Instagram at that psychology podcast. I've got a book coming out soon and there's going to be so much on there about what that was like and you know, fun chapters and sneak peeks and previews and events that we've got probably coming to your city. So I would love to connect with you over there. I would love to hear from you. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this episode. Any further contributions and yeah, until next time, make sure you rate us 5 stars. Make sure you are following along and stay safe. Be kind. Please, please, please, please be gentle with yourself and we will talk very, very soon.
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