Transcript
Gemma (0:00)
Foreign. And welcome back to the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for another episode as we, of course, break down the psychology of our 20s. Before we begin, I just want to let you know that this episode actually has two parts. It has basically like, I guess, a sister episode over on my other podcast, Mantra. So if you prefer a more kind of compact, succinct version of this episode to start your day or to start your week, I'm gonna leave a link in the description of this episode for you guys to go and check it out. I would love if you just gave Mantra a try. I'm sure if you love this podcast, you will love that podcast because it's basically the psychology of your 20s, but more spiritual, more philosophical, more meditative. So, yeah, go check it out. But as for our topic, today, we're going to talk about confidence and what it is about confident people that is so alluring, so fabulous, and how we can emulate it, how we can cultivate this brilliant, bright, amazing attitude. Because confidence, my friends, it's actually not something that you are born with. It is a skill, a skill that you can develop. One of my closest friends, Percy, actually inspired this episode. Friend of the show. We love Percy. She is what seemingly. Well, she seemingly is a very confident person. She just approaches every single social situation, every work presentation, every first date with just such a grounded, secure mindset. It's honestly, it's sexy. Like, she is so magnetic to watch. And sometimes I've even, like, found myself just being like, where did this come from? Like, who is this amazing woman? Because her confidence is like an aura. It's like a color that almost surrounds her. And I think it's so easy to observe people like her and conclude that she was simply born with this. This was always who she was going to become. But the thing is, I've been friends with Percy for some time, for a long time, and I know her very well. And I know that this is not always what she was like. She was a very shy, reserved kid. I know she was bullied quite badly. I know she really struggled. And so it really got me thinking, what does she kind of know that we don't like? What. What is this formula that she has? What are the profound kind of psychological principles or shifts that delineate people who are confident and people who are not confident. What is it about their history, their upbringing, their personality, whatever it is? And what about that can we change? What about ourselves can we kind of work with to come into any situation and just feel like we own the room, feel like we deserve and belong to be there? Because once we understand the science of confidence, once we kind of break down the myth that confidence is only something that you are born with, we really do become unstoppable. Like we become unstoppable in work, in romance, in friendship, in loving ourselves, in directing our lives. Know the list could go on and on and on. So where do we begin? What do we do? How do we get there? That is exactly what we are going to talk about today. Your formula for confidence. Let's get into it. This is an I Heart Podcast. Hello my lovely listeners. By now you know the more knowledge we have about ourselves and the way our bodies work, the more empowered and in control we are. And this is also true when it comes to our sexual health and what to do after unprotected sex. That's where Plan B comes in. It's emergency contraception with no age requirement that helps prevent pregnancy before it starts. And because it works by only temporarily delaying ovulation, it won't impact your ability to get pregnant in the future. We love a backup plan that puts us in control because the more we know, the more power we have. Learn more@planb1step.com and users directed. You might not be thinking much about insurance right now, but let's get real for a second. Life can be unpredictable and that's why having the right insurance coverage matters. Aflac understands this. If you're sick or injured, Aflac can pay cash to help with expenses health insurance doesn't cover, whether that be co pays, deductibles, even non medical expenses like groceries or rent. Think of it as a financial safety net that's there to help when you need it most so that you can focus more on getting back to living your best life. To learn more, visit aflac.com today. 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My favorite is the Sun Stick for on the go protection and you can use my code Gemma15 for 15 off at www.primallypure.com that's P R-I M A L L Y P U R E.com so let's begin by dismantling this core assumption or core misconception. I should say that confidence is a fixed personal attribute. You either have it or you don't. Is that true or not? Well, I'm going to give you the answer right now and then I'm going to give you the explanation. The answer is no, it's not. According to research, including a really comprehensive study on the heritability of confidence conducted in 2021, confidence is only between 9 to 28% heritable. What that means if you don't understand Gen X, because sometimes I barely do, is that the majority of our confidence, somewhere between 72 and 91%, is shaped by like, environment, experiences, mindset, choices, not just your genetics, not just things that feel outside of your orbit of control. For the most part, something like confidence is something that we can change. We can in, we can kind of intercept and form to our desires. And to truly understand why this is the case, and to truly understand like the foundation of confidence, you have to understand one of its core ingredients, which is self efficacy. Self efficacy is a concept that was first named or labeled, I guess, by someone called Albert Bandora, a very famous social psychologist who we talk about a lot. And it is basically our belief in our capacity to execute the behaviors necessary to produce specific performance attainments. In simpler terms, because that is such a convoluted definition. It is your belief that you can successfully perform a given task, you can achieve a particular goal, you can, I guess, present yourself a specific way based on your intentions and your desires. It is not so much your belief that things will go well. It's not so much your belief that people will like you. It's not Your belief in anything outside of your control. It is belief in yourself. Before we can become confident, we need self efficacy. And the great thing about self efficacy is that it can always only be built and earned. It cannot just be granted to us. It is not either there or not the moment we are born. So there are four primary sources through which self efficacy is developed and strengthened. When you understand these sources, you kind of precisely know how confidence is built in someone brick by brick through the process of learning and environment and experiences. So the first source, the very first one, is something called mastery experiences or inactive attainments. Basically, when you successfully perform a task, especially one that you initially found rather challenging, it creates a belief in your capabilities. This starts, like, from, like, three months old. Let's use the example of learning how to ride a bike, because it's a very good one. You know, riding a bike's kind of scary. Like, it is kind of scary. Like you have to balance on these two wheels, and you can go really, really fast, and you'll probably fall off. You know, the first few attempts involve wobbling and falling, and that erodes your confidence. But with each kind of, like, successful pedal stroke, each moment of balance, like your belief in your ability to ride independently grows stronger. It's all based on these moments of feeling, like, I didn't believe I could do this, but I can. And that, for our mind, kind of acts as these concrete data points that rewire your internal narrative. It rewires your trust in your own abilities, the fact that you've kind of you are capable now. The brain actively seeks and reinforces these positive experiences, which means that the next time you encounter something scary or new, the judgment of others, the beginning of a new job, whatever it is, your brain kind of subconsciously looks back at these prior moments and goes, actually, no. Like, we are fully capable of managing this. These moments of mastery can be deliberately created. And that's really important because the more times you show yourself through trial and error and through believing in yourself that you can do something, the more confident you will become Next. We have vicarious experiences or social modeling. We are, of course, inherently social beings, and we learn a tremendous amount by simply observing others. When you see someone similar to yourself successfully perform a task that you want to do, it can significantly strengthen your belief that you also possess the capabilities to master similar activities. This is why mentors, role models, even peers are so crucial in building confidence. If you're, you know, a budding entrepreneur and you see someone from a similar background successfully launch their business, it sends a really powerful message. Message like if they can do it, maybe I can too. This actually really explains why representation matters and is so important for marginalized groups. There was a study done in 2016 in the UK and researchers asked high achieving university students from underrepresented backgrounds to basically send letters to students from similar backgrounds who were considering university and just talk about their experience, talk about the fact that it's possible. So There were over 11,000 people in this study and these letters were really positive. They were like shoot for the stars, you can do it, aim higher. And the researchers tracked students application decisions and found that there was a significant increase in applications to more prestigious unis amongst the group that received the letters versus groups that did not. So this isn't about blind imitation, it's about seeing a pathway to success that is demonstrated by others which then informs your own sense of possibility. It's also why I think that we could do with more admiration in this society. Instead of being jealous of people who are have what you want or have the life that you want, or who are doing better than you, these people can act as basically proof that your dreams maybe aren't even that aren't big enough because this person has managed to do it, therefore you can too. There is a pathway that is accessible. So confidence can be acquired through observation in a really significant way. The third way we gain self efficacy is through social persuasion. So it's not observing someone else doing something, it's being encouraged by people who you admire. Having people like a coach, a parent, a teacher, a friend, someone that can say you're doing a good job, you are capable of doing this positive feedback. It's truly so motivational because we really do like external validation secretly, but also not secretly. And so if you have someone who you admire who was saying like wow, you really are getting better and you're improving and you're doing well, you're actually prepared to fail more. You're prepared to fail more in some circumstances at least because you have this weird desire within you to succeed more. And you kind of put yourself, you kind of face opportunities more often, you put yourself in the path for success more often even though you know that failure might be a possibility. Because you believe in yourself. Even in those moments when you do fail because you, you have this strong sense of someone else believes in me. Despite missed opportunities, despite moments of ill confidence, therefore I can believe in myself. There's also the opposite, which is discouragement. Other people can really make us feel terrible about ourselves. From parents who are dismissive to Childhood bullies. You know, I remember I had a teacher once who was really, really mean to me and I was like, why do you have beef with me? Like, I'm literally 7 years old. And I felt really like I remember feeling really bad about myself and not wanting to try and not wanting to speak up. Discouragement is equally as powerful as encouragement. That is why it is so important to surround yourself with good people. It may be hard to go up against this if you've had, you know, a family who was really awful, or if you were bullied, or if you do feel like your environment is really what made you the way you were and it's hard to escape. But the older you get, you do have choices to be around people who will care about you, who will elevate you, who will encourage you. You know, if your friends are secretly trying to tear you down, or if you are constantly listening to what people online are saying that is mean or cruel. If you let the words of your family members really invade your mindset, confidence, it will be harder to obtain. Luckily, we have one final source of self efficacy to talk about, and that's our ability to manage our own emotional reaction to stress. It's our physiological and emotional states, our mood, our stress levels that can profoundly influence how we judge our potential for success. If you're feeling calm, energized, and physically prepared for a task, you will believe in yourself more than if you went to bed super late or if you have had too much coffee or you're hungry. These choices matter, and these are choices that you have control over. Basically, how you approach stress, how you learn to relate to your emotions, how you physically prepare yourself is a factor in whether you feel capable. But that also means that we can create routines and patterns and traditions that we know will make us feel confident and good as a way to prepare us and counteract negative emotional states that kind of come with doing new things or being in front of new people. So when you understand these four sources, it becomes really clear, right, that confidence isn't an inherited trait. If you consistently seek out opportunities for mastery, if you observe others who are successful, if you go where you are valued, if you learn how to manage your anxiety and your physiological state, your self efficacy, and therefore your confidence will likely grow. It is important here to talk about the fact that although confidence isn't inherited, it is, you know, really quite deeply influenced by how you were raised and who you grew up around. You know, if you again, had parents who were deeply discouraging, if you grew up in Poverty. If you grew up with, you know, mentors or teachers or no examples of success, you, you are starting from a harder point. And we have to be completely honest about that. It's not about ignoring those disadvantages. I would not be doing my job if I sat here and said everyone starts from, from zero and starts at the same starting point. You know what I mean? And everyone has the equal ability to build confidence, because it's just not. But what I'm really trying to say is that it is possible. So it's not like if you've had these experiences, you are completely doomed. If you have been raised to shrink yourself, to talk down to yourself, if you don't feel great about yourself. These are things that can actually be undone. They were done to you. That means that they have kind of like a counteracting or counterbalancing action that can also do upon you, that you can do upon yourself not to reverse those things and to reverse those experiences, but to integrate them and say that you are more than them. We're going to talk a little bit more about that later on, but I think it's an important caveat to add here. Now that we kind of understand self efficacy, let's also talk about how confidence is in part dictated by the conversation that you have with yourself. If you want to understand how you can make yourself believe that you are confident, you have to know the name Carol Dweck. She is a renowned Stanford psychologist, one of the best, who discovered that there are two, and really only two, fundamental mindsets we can have regarding our intelligence and our abilities. You've probably heard of them before. You can either have a fixed or a growth mindset. Someone with a fixed mindset believes that their basic abilities, their intelligence, their confidence, these are static traits. They are what they are. They were born that way. There's little that can be done to change them. If you're good at math, it's because you were born being good at math. If you don't have confidence, it's because that's how you were born. There's nothing you can change. There's nothing you can do to change that. This kind of perspective is voluntary. I know it's going to sound harsh, but you do choose to believe that way. And so what that means is that when you face obstacles, when you face setbacks, when you look at your confidence levels and feel depleted by them, you don't feel like you can change them. You feel like you are always going to be this way. In contrast, a person with a growth mindset believes in themselves, but also believes that their most basic abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work and practice. And your brain, talent, personality, those are just starting points. In other words, they have what we call an internal locus of control. They believe in their ability to change their actions and therefore an outcome, but also to change their fate. Basically, when you believe I am capable, I'm expanding, I am learning, I'm experiencing, I am confident. You act that way, you know that how you think about your situation and how you think about yourself will influence what part of your, what parts of yourself grow and expand and what parts you know ultimately shrink. The reality, of course, is more nuanced. We've kind of already talked about this. You know, confidence is a skill. It is something that comes from mindset. It isn't something that you're born with. But there are other things that we are born into that can make it it harder. What it's about discerning is really when your mindset can trump those things and when it cannot. And that's when having a formula for confidence or having skills and things in like your toolbox really helps. Because instead of just feeling paralyzed by situations, you do have options to try out to kind of counteract your lack of confidence, counteract your anxiety, counteract your social anxiety, counteract your imposter syndrome or your belief that you don't deserve to be there. So that really leads to the biggest question that we have today. How do we do that? I'm not just going to leave you guys here without some practical tips, including the formulas of some of the most confident people in the world. How you can walk into any room feeling amazing, unshakable, completely yourself. That's what we're going to explore after this short break. Hello, my lovely listeners. By now you know the more knowledge we have about ourselves and the way our bodies work, the more empowered and in control we are. And this is also true when it comes to our sexual health and what to do after unprotected sex. That's where plan B comes in. It's emergency contraception with no age requirement that helps prevent pregnancy before it starts. And because it works by only temporarily delaying ovulation, it won't impact your ability to get pregnant in the future. We love about backup plan that puts us in control because the more we know, the more power we have. Learn more@planb1step.com users directed. Let's talk about something that most people in their 20s overlook or just straight up are confused by health insurance. Many people don't realize that health insurance wasn't designed to cover everything, which can leave gaps that you end up having to pay out of pocket. This brings me to Aflac. You know, the company with the very cute duck. We should all know by now that illness and injury can hit at any time and dealing with them can be stressful enough without the added worry of additional expenses. That's where Aflac comes in. They pay cash to help with expenses health insurance doesn't cover, like co pays deductibles, even non medical expenses like rent or groceries. Whether it's a sudden illness, an injury, or even an unexpected hospital stay, Aflac can help provide a financial safety net so that you can worry less about how to cover those unexpected expenses, especially if you're having to miss work as a result. It's added peace of mind in a very busy world. To learn more, visit aflac.com hey everybody, it's Tony Robbins.