The Psychology of Your 20s – Episode 324: "Why do we hold grudges?"

Podcast by: iHeartPodcasts
Host: Jemma Sbeg
Date: August 21, 2025

Episode Overview

In this deeply personal and research-driven episode, host Jemma Sbeg takes a close look at the psychology of grudges: what they are, why we hold onto them, and what they reveal about our deeper emotional needs and relationships. Drawing on both scientific studies and her own lived experiences, Jemma unpacks the universal nature of grudges and offers strategies for understanding, processing, and (when we’re ready) letting go. The episode weaves in elements of self-reflection, evolutionary psychology, and somatic experience, ultimately reframing forgiveness as a powerful act of self-care.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Defining a Grudge

• Persistence over Momentary Emotion: Unlike fleeting anger or sadness, a grudge is marked by a persistent feeling of resentment or malice following a perceived insult or offense.

  "What's different about a grudge compared to a fleeting moment of anger or sadness is the persistence of the feeling." — Jemma Sbeg [04:12]

• Rumination as the Core Ingredient: Active, repeated rumination is key—continually dwelling on the offense keeps the negative emotions alive.
• Research Insight: A 2021 York University study found that while the intensity of negative feelings around a grudge may diminish, the negativity itself persists in the background, ready to be resurrected.

2. Why Do We Hold Grudges?

• Personality and Attachment:
  • Individuals higher in neuroticism or with insecure attachment styles struggle more to release resentment.
  • There's emerging research linking ADHD and Rejection Sensitivity (RSD) to an increased tendency to hold grudges.

    "Some people just unfortunately have a harder time releasing resentment." — Jemma Sbeg [07:13]

• Negativity Bias:
  • Human memory is evolutionarily hardwired to retain negative experiences to protect against future threats (e.g., remembering the "snake" instead of the "berries").

    "We remember only what emotionally resonates with us... Almost all of us have this pessimistic, optimistic whatever you are, there is a part of you, from an evolutionary standpoint, that will always prefer to remember negative things over positive things." — [09:43]

• Self-Protection & Boundaries:
  • Holding on can serve as an emotional barrier, designed to prevent future hurt by keeping the lesson alive and remaining on guard.
• Justice and the ‘Just World’ Hypothesis:
  • People want to believe the world is fair; when injustice isn’t addressed, holding a grudge can feel like the only way to restore a sense of balance.

    "Me holding a grudge, me not forgetting—that is their punishment." — [14:23]

• Illusion of Control:
  • Clinging to a grudge offers an illusory sense of control over narratives where we otherwise felt powerless.
• The True Cost:
  • Ultimately, a grudge causes more harm to the person holding it than to the original target.

    "A grudge is always going to harm us far more and far more consistently than it's going to harm the original target." — [17:52]

3. The Physical and Emotional Toll of Grudges

• Somatization:
  • Repressed anger and resentment can manifest as real physical pain and chronic stress responses in the body.

    "She realized that that pain was coming from the fact that she never let herself feel the full emotion behind her resentment." — on Miley Cyrus [24:18]

• Body-Mind Connection:
  • Revisiting past wounds triggers the body's stress response as if the threat is current, leading to real physiological symptoms.
• Impact on Relationships:
  • Grudges can limit our capacity to trust, form new connections, and leave us emotionally ‘stuck’ if we never receive closure.
• Unfinished Stories:
  • A grudge is like a story with no ending, which humans are naturally uncomfortable with.

    "Holding a grudge is a story that has not ended. That is why it feels so emotionally painful." — [29:43]

• Self-Blame:
  • Often, not only do we hold grudges against others, but we also silently hold them against ourselves—replaying self-critical narratives about what we “should have done.”

4. Letting Go: Processing and Releasing Grudges

Acknowledging and Expressing Emotions

• Anger as a Valid Emotion:
  • Suppressing anger is counterproductive; it must be felt and expressed safely before healing can begin.

    "Letting yourself just be upset in a safe way is how you stop an emotion from making its home inside of you and staying for decades." — [34:00]

• Tangible Outlets:
  • Strategies like screaming, physical exercise, creative expression, and even ‘rage rooms’ can help process anger.

The Process of Forgiveness

• Forgiveness = Self-Care:
  • Forgiving is a deliberate choice to release negative emotion for your own benefit—not a gift to the offender, nor condonation of their actions.

    “Forgiveness is an internal shift ... not even needing the other person to know.” — [37:45]

• No One-Size-Fits-All Timeline:
  • It’s okay if forgiveness takes time or never comes. The responsibility is to protect your own well-being.

    "Forgiveness also cannot be forced if you're not ready or if the act of trying to forgive actually causes more distress." — [39:13]

• Distinction between Forgiveness and Reconciliation:
  • Forgiveness is internal; reconciliation is external and not always necessary or possible, especially in harmful relationships.
• Expert Perspective:
  • Everett Worthington’s research: Rewriting your narrative can make forgiveness easier and is correlated with reductions in anger, anxiety, and stress ([41:02]).

Self-Reflection Strategies

• Acknowledge that harm was done and your anger is valid.
• Assess whether the grudge is serving you or hurting you.
• Consider what deeper story or unmet need the grudge represents (e.g., loss of trust, self-worth issues).
• Practice self-forgiveness—recognize that self-blame keeps you stuck.

  "You were not weak, you were not foolish. This criticism towards yourself is getting you stuck not just within the grudge, but it's getting you stuck in a place of self blame that is not helpful." — [43:39]

• Re-examine your desire for control, justice, or closure.
• Find compassion, either for the other person (if it feels safe) or for yourself in your choice to move forward.

Final Reflections

• Letting go is a deeply personal process; there’s no universal right answer.
• If keeping the grudge still serves you and costs you nothing, it’s okay to keep it—for now.
• Consider whether holding on is worth what it’s costing you.

  "If a grudge is costing you anything, I think it's important to reevaluate whether that's something you want to give up and whether you're willing to pay your dues to the grudge or it's time to let it go." — [46:53]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “There is this lingering feeling of anger and resentment that has stayed and comes up from time to time… I know for a fact I’m not alone.” — Jemma Sbeg [03:00]
• “Grudges are included in that matter… because underneath this resentment… there’s usually something deeper and quite soft that we don’t want to acknowledge.” — [03:44]
• "Clinging to the grudge kind of ensures that you don’t forget the bitter lesson that you learn from the injustice." — [12:44]
• "Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. This is where it is incredibly relevant." — [26:16]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:34] Episode Begins: Introduction to the topic and why grudges matter.
• [04:12] What is a grudge?: Defining grudge vs. other negative emotions.
• [07:13] Who holds grudges?: Key personality and attachment traits.
• [09:43] Why memory keeps grudges alive: Negativity bias and evolutionary perspective.
• [12:44] Self-protection and boundaries: Grudges as shielding mechanisms.
• [14:23] The need for justice: Psychic attempts to restore balance.
• [17:52] Control and harm: How grudges hurt the self more than the offender.
• [24:18] Somatization – grudges in the body: Miley Cyrus anecdote and physical impact.
• [29:43] Grudges as unfinished stories: The emotional pain of open-ended narratives.
• [34:00] Healthy anger release: Ways to feel and process anger.
• [37:45] Forgiveness as self-care: Shifting motivation from external to internal.
• [41:02] Research on forgiveness: Narrative rewriting and its benefits.
• [43:39] Self-forgiveness and self-blame: Why it’s crucial to address internal grudges.
• [46:53] Final considerations: Is the grudge serving or harming you?
• [End of Content]: Personal reflection and encouragement for listeners.

Episode Tone

• Relatable, confessional, and research-driven
• Warm, non-judgmental, and gently humorous
• Empowering and practical, encouraging self-kindness and honest reflection

In Summary

Jemma Sbeg guides listeners through a nuanced understanding of why we hold grudges, delving into the science behind rumination, the evolutionary and psychological functions of lingering resentment, and the hidden emotional needs often masked by bitterness. She makes her points personal and relatable, sharing her own longstanding grudges, offering concrete tools for safe emotional release, and reframing forgiveness as a path toward personal liberation rather than a favor to the offender. The episode ends with an invitation to self-reflect, act with compassion toward yourself, and—when you’re ready—unburden yourself for your own peace and growth.