Transcript
Gemma Spake (0:00)
This is an iHeart podcast. What happens when Delta Air Lines sends four creators around the world to find out what is the true power of travel? It's these small moments of intention, right?
Delta Air Lines Representative (0:14)
Not just people to places and destinations. It's connecting people to other people, other cultures, and ultimately experiences that can't be replicated.
Gemma Spake (0:24)
Find out more about how travel can support wellbeing on this special episode of the psychology of youf 20s presented by Delta Fly and Live the better. Listen wherever you get your podcasts. I truly don't think I have ever had as many events as I do right now and n Shower cream has been not just a lifesaver but a time saver as well. Because I don't know about you, I just can't be bothered with shaving anymore. Especially as I've been trying to move house and do a million other things. Nair is the number one hair removal brand and their body and shower creams. Firstly they actually smell delicious whilst working so well to get rid of all of my hair. When I'm tight on time, I use the shower cream infused with coconut oil and it's all also so gentle on my skin. I feel so silky afterwards and it's free of dyes, parabens, phthalates and sulfates. So get ready for summer buy now at all major retailers. Please welcome aboard the Johnson Family.
Johnson Family Member (1:17)
The whole fam's here for the Disney Cruise. So you know we came to play and listen the adults are gonna have a ball. First we're chilling in the infinity pool onto massages at Sense's spa. Then gliding into Star Wars Hyperspace lounge for a to even going to kick back with Mickey on Disney's private island. That's how we get down cuz Disney Cruise Line is where we came to play.
Gemma Spake (1:44)
This is Gemma Spake from the psychology of your 20s. So you can't get the trip out of the group chat. We have all been there but did you know there may be an easy solution? EF Ultimate Break is a group travel company for 18 to 35 year olds with over 140 itineraries all over the world. Just sign up and recruit six or more friends for a trip. You will save hundreds or even thousands of dollars. You could even travel for free. Learn more@ef ultimatebreak.com that's EF ultimatebreak.com and turn the group chat into a group trip. In our 20s we are basically constantly evolving emotionally, hormonally and yes even our skin. I've been using Primally Pure's Soothing Mist and Clarifying serum and. And it has changed how I approach skincare. It's not about control or perfection. It's about support. Primally pure is female, founded, clean and rooted in simplicity. Go to www.primal y p u r e.com, use my code GEMMA15 and get 15% off. Your skin deserves care that matches your growth. Hello everybody and welco back to the psychology of your 20s. The podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world, it is so great to have you here back for, for another episode. As we of course break down the psychology of our 20s. Today, we're going to talk about external validation. We're going to talk about external validation and why it is that we seem to spend so much of our short, precious, miraculous lives looking for approval. It's this thought that seems to like, stalk us in the back of even our most confident moments, you know, but do they like me? Am I enough? Like, what are they secretly thinking about me? Have I proved myself yet? And I can't be the only one who has kind of realized how much these thoughts just like, take from being able to just exist in my own timeline, in my own body, in the moment, in the things that I enjoy. It's like every single time I do something, there is always this thought that has to be devoted to someone else, which is honestly pretty exhausting. In our 20s, I think we are particularly susceptible to the hunger and the need for external validation. It is a decade of firsts, first jobs, first startup relationships, first time living independently. And because everything feels uncertain, sometimes it feels like we just keep looking to our left, keep looking to others, looking over our shoulder, looking for someone to like, give us a sign or give us some sense of guidance that we are getting it right, that we ourselves are right. And don't get me wrong, you know, validation feels good. There's like a rush, a warmth, like a sense of being seen. But it's how much we rely on that feeling that actually makes a difference. When we rely on others to tell us we're worthy, we basically hand over the keys to our self esteem and say, like, do whatever you want with this. You know, every compliment or moment of praise can be kind of make or break and every critique is like a threat to a much deeper part of who, who we are. And that is what we're going to talk about today. It can be addictive. But external validation is remarkably fragile, as many people who have had it and lost it will tell you. And it can leave us feeling deeply hollow, if and when, because it is a situation of of when it disappears. So in this episode we're going to break down why it actually feels so good, why some part of us really needs it, but then also how we can shift back towards internal validation. What are the hidden costs of relying on this a bit too much? How does people's experience with fame tell us about external validation and social approval? And what does it do to our internal compass? What does it do to our values? What does it do to our authentic nature when other people's voices are always allowed to speak over our own? I'm super excited for this episode. Thank you for tuning in. Without further ado, let's get into why we crave external validation as much as we do. So you've probably heard about external and internal validation is like two sides of the same coin, two distinct ways we build our sense of self worth, whilst both feel really good and are completely necessary as well. We're not trying to like villainize external validation or make it seem unimportant. They do come from very different sources and they have vast different impacts on our long term wellbeing. So what is the difference? It's in the name. External validation is any kind of affirmation that comes from the outside, specifically that comes from others. It operates on a bit of a social feedback loop, whereby when someone likes a photo of yours, or you experience public praise, or someone saying good job, or someone allowing you into the in group, that kind of signals that others not only see us, they approve of us, which therefore makes us feel good and makes us feel like we are doing something right. Think of it kind of like a signal from the outside world, confirming your value and therefore your broader acceptance. That obviously gives us a little bit of a glow. However, the problem is that the source of our worth, when it is completely external, it also means it's completely outside of our control. Even though we can like dictate our actions to try and gain more validation, there's actually no determining whether we will actually receive it from our desired target. Therefore, it is what we called a borrowed or inconstant sense of value that by its very nature can be given or taken away by others at any time and more specifically for any reason, fair or unfair. Internal validation, however, is different. It comes from within. Its source is from ourselves. It's your ability to recognize your own worth, your own effort, integrity, your own Beauty and specialness and intelligence, regardless of whether others react the way that you want them to. This type of validation is not about an outcome. It's not specifically about praise. It's not specifically about social approval. It's about self approval and self assessment. For example, you know, instead of waiting for someone to read an article you wrote or read or look at something you're really proud of and acknowledge that for you, you are able to acknowledge your hard work independently. You are able to kind of put on your objective lenses and say, hey, that actually took a lot of time. For me, that actually is and does show real talent for me, I'm allowed to be proud of that, even if my contributions and my effort goes unnoticed by other people. I think sometimes we have like a natural instinct against, against this because as much as we want social approval, we also don't want to come off as arrogant. And for a lot of cultures, individualistic or collective, like humility is something that we prize and praise beyond anything else. Having internal validation doesn't mean that you are like an egomaniac. It just means that you actually are able to be honest about your own skills, about your own effort, about your own internal worth. Like, humility is sometimes just as dishonest as arrogance. So internal validation and a sense of strong internal self worth, I think when done right, is like one of the most honest ways we can show up in society and the most honest ways we can approach ourselves. The difference really comes down to this. External validation really asks, do they think I'm okay? And internal validation asks, do I think I'm okay? Think about someone that's just been on a first date. Someone reliant on external validation may start thinking, you know, I really wonder what they thought of me. I really wonder if they liked my outfit. I really wonder like if they really meant that compliment, if they want to see me again, if I came off as, you know, I came across as, as good, or how I, how I want to be seen. All of these are important data points, but it also at no point asks you how you value that experience. Having a strong sense of internal validation is walking away from a first date or any situation and thinking, you know, I was super honest, I showed up as myself, I had fun. Whether or not they text me back, their response to this authentic version of me doesn't change that experience. And importantly, again, both can coexist. One doesn't cancel the other out. But whilst both types of validation can coexist, they are not equal. One of them is far sturdier. Than the other. Internal validation is far more reliable. Self determination theory, which is a really well established framework in psychology, really shows that this is the case. And it suggests that a focus on intrinsic sources of affirmation, like personal growth, like mastery of skills, like acting in alignment with our values, is directly linked and obviously linked to greater psychological resilience, greater psychological well being, to being a happier and more well rounded person. People who are driven by these internal motivators are also more likely to be authentic. Because if you are constantly looking for social approval, you can see how that completely and will always bring us back to a very homogeneous and strict norm. People who are able to really be guided by what they like about themselves and what they like about their actions are actually also more different and interesting. They also have a stronger resilience to setbacks. They have less anxiety, they have less stress. This is because they aren't constantly chasing an external price. They're not constantly chasing gratification. So their focus, something that is so precious and so prized, is more finely tuned and comes back to the person who really should be the owner of that focus and should be at the center of that self focus, which is ourselves. So if internal validation is so powerful, why is it not the natural default? Well, because external validation is more immediate, it's more addictive, and it is reinforced by both our biology and our culture as well. From the time, and I feel like we talk about this in every single episode, we take it back to childhood, but it's because, like, it really is Pandora's box for so many of these things. But from the time we are like little tiny humans. Most of us are conditioned to tie our worth to other people's approval. We learn that good behavior or certain behaviors earn praise, bad behaviors bring punishment. We internalize the idea that our worth is really dictated by people's reactions to our actions. In other words, I am what others say I am. I am dictated by how others respond to me. This is where the concept of the looking glass self comes in. It was presented by this sociologist called Charles Horton, and coolly, and he basically argued, and I agree with him, that our social interactions act as a mirror to reflect back how we should view ourselves. We really do develop our sense of self, not in a bubble, but by imagining how others see us, by interpreting their reactions, and then building our identity around that reflection. If people laugh at your jokes, you start to believe you're the funny one. If they criticize your looks or make sly digs, you start to believe you're unattractive. Or that you need to change something about yourself. If people tell you you're creative enough, you will begin to see that you are a creative person and begin to internalize that and believe that. We start to view ourselves in the way we think others view us. And that's the key thing. This is to just add another layer to this mirror. This is only our perception of what they think they are perceiving. We can never actually know. We can try and know and we can gather information from their praise and their compliments and their approval, but at the end of the day, like, they don't know who we are. They don't know our internal motivations for doing things. And we can't really know why they like something about us, why they think that that's good and whether that's a path we want to continue to follow. Laid onto this though, is the need to belong. This is a theory, it's literally called the need to belong theory. And it basically argues that human beings, you've probably heard this explanation before, they are hardwired to seek acceptance and approval. Because for most of our history, to put it bluntly, you know, exclusion meant death. And that wiring is still in our brains today. It's in an area called the ventral striatum. A study from uc, usc, I think University of California or usc, I think it was USD, they found that forming social ties, which are again essential, relies specifically on two brain functions. Learning from positive outcomes or learning from social rewards. And tracking how much others value us through their responses, which is known as relational value. Both of these systems, for literally building relationships and bonds with other humans, could not operate without us being able to interpret and internalize external validation. And this makes the need to belong a powerful, albeit off, often unconscious force. And shaping our behaviors, shaping our self esteem, shaping our reliance once again on praise, on external validation, it's all coming back to it, right? This ventral striatum that we talked about, it also helps trigger dopamine receptors and pleasure centers in our brain when we do receive social approval. This is a very like biological reductionist way of seeing human behavior. But it essentially says that the only reason we do anything is if we are rewarded for it. And the things that are rewarded the most are the things that we continue to pursue or do more of. Whether that is a drug, whether that is a type of food, whether that is a type of reaction that we get from another human. This dopamine surge creates positive feelings, it reinforces that behavior, leading again to more validation seeking behaviors. Because the more we receive it, the more we crave it. A 2016 study published in the Journal of Psychological Sciences, really interesting. It looked at this exact mechanism. Basically, researchers involved a sample of 32 teenagers aged between 13 and 18, and they used an FMRI scanner to look at the teenager's brain activity whilst they looked at photographs on a computer screen. And they designed like, these photos to basically be, be presented to kind of simulate Instagram and to make it feel like a social media feed. And they also included photos of the teens themselves and also of others. So when the participants saw their own photos with a high number of likes, they were told that other people in this study had really liked those photos of them. The brain regions involved in that reward circuit showed crazy spikes in activity. Interestingly too, participants were also more likely to like a photo of themselves if they saw that it had already received likes from others. So the approval others were giving them directly, this is the link to the approval and the sense of self worth they were giving onto themselves. This combination of reward and imitation kind of suggests that the brain is not only being told, this is a good thing to like, but also this is a good thing to do. The brain associates the specific content, the photo, the pose, the setting with the positive feeling of social approval. Therefore, a person would be more likely to want to recreate that experience of getting that reward by taking a similar photo of themselves and would also equally learn from the moments where a specific photo or a specific behavior or was invalidated as a sign that it isn't accepted. And having not been accompanied by a dopamine spike, perhaps by a dopamine drop, they won't perform that behavior anymore. So if we consider all these things together, the childhood conditioning, the evolutionary biology, the modern technology, it really makes sense why we fall into this trap of chasing external validation. It's quick, it's powerful, it feels remarkably good until it doesn't. And this is where we need to explore the potential harms of being reliant on external validation and so so much more. And we're going to do so after this short break. What happens when Delta Air Lines sends four creators around the world to find out what is the true power of travel? I think it helped me sort of like, get grounded. I think I unlocked some, like, childhood dream, turn my stress into excitement, take that gratitude from those experiences into your daily life. That's why I connected with Dr. Henry Ting, Delta's chief health and wellness officer and instrumental voice behind this travel experiment. Traveling in general is going to give you that social and cultural and psychological and emotional expansion.