The Psychology of Your 20s – Episode 336: Why Do We Crave External Validation?

Host: Jemma Sbeg
Date: September 25, 2025
Podcast: The Psychology of Your 20s (iHeartPodcasts)

Episode Overview

In this episode, host Jemma Sbeg dives deep into the psychological foundations, social implications, and practical impacts of external validation — that ever-present craving for approval, affirmation, and praise from others. Exploring why this need is particularly heightened in our twenties, she examines biological, social, and developmental roots, the potential downsides of living for approval, and how to strengthen our own sense of self and internal validation.

Main Themes and Purpose

• Examine why external validation feels so necessary, especially during our twenties, a period: "of firsts, first jobs, first relationships, first time living independently… everything feels uncertain" (05:12).
• Distinguish external vs internal validation, their origins, and impacts.
• Explore the psychological and neurobiological mechanisms that make external validation so addictive.
• Discuss the costs of excessive reliance on external validation — including loss of authenticity, vulnerability to manipulation, and contingent self-esteem.
• Offer strategies to rebuild internal validation and self-trust.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Ubiquity and Allure of External Validation

Timestamp: [04:15-06:45]

• External validation is described as a “thought that seems to stalk us…even in our most confident moments…what are they thinking about me? Have I proved myself yet?” (04:30).
• Why it's potent in your twenties: The decade is marked by new experiences and major transitions, so "we just keep looking to others…looking for someone to give us guidance that we are getting it right, that we ourselves are right." (05:40)

2. Defining External vs Internal Validation

Timestamp: [06:45-12:34]

• External Validation: “Any kind of affirmation that comes from the outside...from others," experienced as likes, compliments, being included in the group, etc. While it feels good, "the source of our worth, when it is completely external, is completely outside of our control…a borrowed or inconstant sense of value." (07:40)
• Internal Validation: “Comes from within...your own ability to recognize your worth, effort, integrity, specialness, and intelligence, regardless of others’ reactions.” (09:20)
• Memorable analogy: “External validation asks, ‘Do they think I’m okay?’ Internal validation asks, ‘Do I think I’m okay?’” (11:20)

3. Why Are We Wired for External Approval?

Timestamp: [12:50-18:11]

• Childhood Conditioning: “From the time we are little tiny humans, most of us are conditioned to tie our worth to other people’s approval. Good behavior earns praise, bad behavior brings punishment.” (13:02)
• The Looking Glass Self, by Charles Horton Cooley: “Our social interactions act as a mirror reflecting back how we should view ourselves…We start to view ourselves the way we think others view us. And that’s the key thing: this is our perception of what they think.” (14:40)
• Need to Belong theory: “Humans are hardwired to seek acceptance and approval — for most of our history, exclusion meant death. That wiring is still in our brains today.” (16:00)
• Brain Science: “When we receive social approval, it triggers dopamine receptors and pleasure centers in our brain. The more we receive it, the more we crave it.” (17:40)
  • Study highlight: fMRI studies on teenagers showed spikes in the brain’s reward circuit when viewing photos of themselves with lots of likes, making them more likely to seek the same kind of approval (18:00).

4. The Perils and Hidden Costs of Chasing External Validation

Timestamp: [24:55-36:40]

• “External validation is remarkably fragile…can leave us feeling deeply hollow if — and when — it disappears.” (05:10, intro)
• Fame as extreme case: Celebrities, especially young Disney stars, are "trained to only respond to external validation. When it disappears, they literally didn't know who they were anymore." (24:56)
• Jemma relates this to more relatable scenarios, like “golden children,” top students, or athletic kids: “You’re just not, like, sponsored by the Disney channel. But the tap does run dry...” (26:00)
• Performance vs. Authenticity: “If you only live for approval, your identity becomes a performance. You morph into a human chameleon…The cost is really high — you lose touch with your authentic self.” (27:30)
• Life decisions for approval: “You might pursue a career everyone calls impressive but just feel numb…You might stay in a relationship that looks picture perfect, even if you’re really unhappy.” (28:32)
• Contingent Self-Esteem: “When your self-worth is entirely dependent on external outcomes, you’re more likely to experience depressive symptoms and less likely to feel confident in your abilities.” (33:12)
• Risk of Manipulation: “A boss, partner, or sibling who sees you light up for praise can withhold it strategically. Suddenly you’re hooked — chasing approval instead of questioning what you actually deserve.” (31:20)
• Validation Debt Analogy: “When you finance your sense of worth through other people, you’re essentially taking out loans...Over time the debt piles up. When payments don’t come, you go into deficit. The more you borrow, the less capable you feel of doing it yourself.” (35:40)

Notable Quote

“Your own wants, your own desires, become muffled...The desire to be liked or validated has become this big giant monster. The irony is you become so adaptable that you actually start to disappear.” – Jemma Sbeg [27:40]

5. The Road Back to Internal Validation

Timestamp: [36:41-45:08]

• Awareness is key: Start by “noticing the moments when you tend to outsource your worth…Catch yourself in these small moments of self-monitoring.” (37:10)
• Name your insecurities: Use moments when you crave reassurance as “target practice to understand where you need to pour more deeply into yourself.” (38:15)
• Reconnect with values: “While you’re busy earning others’ validation, you may not realize you have everything you need within you…Spend time relearning what you really care about.” (39:00)
• Identity as verb: “Your identity...is a verb. You have to actually act on the things you want to be. Prioritize your values as a daily act.” (41:02)
• Self-Recognition: Practice “basking in the feeling of pride — it’s okay to feel proud of what you have done. Reinforce this idea that your own self-evaluation matters.” (42:30)
• Tolerate discomfort: “There will be moments that feel unbearable...when you want someone to reassure you and they won’t. If you can just sit in it and breathe, you are strengthening that internal muscle.” (43:12)

Practical Exercise

“Imagine what kind of old person you want to be — not just the person you want to be in five or twenty years. Who do you want people to say you were? What kind of operating principles do you want?” (40:12)

6. Final Reminders & Takeaways

Timestamp: [45:09–49:55]

• “Being liked is not the same as being loved…Being truly loved means someone sees those rough edges and stays anyway.” (45:15)
• “Every time you perform for approval, you lose a little bit of intimacy with yourself…telling yourself your truth isn’t valid unless someone else approves of it.” (46:42)
• “You actually can’t control other people’s opinions…You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world and there’s still going to be someone who doesn’t like peaches.” (47:32)
• Mantra: “I want to be chosen for who I am, not for the version of me that performs best for approval.” (48:50)
• “External validation is the decoration — you’ve got to build the foundation and feel stable in yourself before asking other people to decorate your internal home.” (49:15)
• “There is something within you that no one else can have, no one else can change, no one is entitled to — and which will exist regardless of approval or not.” (49:55)

Memorable Quotes (with Attribution & Timestamps)

• On why it’s exhausting:

  “Every single time I do something, there’s always this thought that has to be devoted to someone else, which is honestly pretty exhausting.”
  — Jemma Sbeg [05:00]

• On humility and honesty:

  “Humility is sometimes just as dishonest as arrogance. A sense of strong internal self-worth, when done right, is one of the most honest ways we can show up in society.”
  — Jemma Sbeg [10:24]

• On the performance trap:

  “If you only live for the nod of approval…pretty soon your identity becomes a performance, and you morph into the kind of person who was a human chameleon.”
  — Jemma Sbeg [27:30]

• On validation debt:

  “When you finance your sense of worth through other people, you’re essentially taking out loans...the more you outsource, the less capable you feel of doing it yourself.”
  — Jemma Sbeg [35:40]

• On authenticity vs. likability:

  “Ask yourself: am I chasing likability at the expense of authenticity?”
  — Jemma Sbeg [45:30]

• On letting go of control:

  “You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world and there’s still going to be someone who doesn’t like peaches.”
  — Jemma Sbeg [47:40]

• On being chosen:

  “I want to be chosen for who I am, not for the version of me that performs best for approval.”
  — Jemma Sbeg [48:50]

Notable Sections (With Timestamps)

• Difference between external and internal validation: [06:45-12:34]
• Explanation of evolutionary and brain science behind approval-seeking: [12:50-18:11]
• Dangers and consequences of chronic external validation: [24:55–36:40]
• Validation debt analogy: [35:40]
• How to cultivate internal validation and practical steps: [36:41-45:08]
• Mantras and closing thoughts: [45:09–49:55]

Engaging Takeaways & Actionable Insights

• External validation is natural and even necessary to some extent, but relying on it too much makes your sense of worth fragile and vulnerable to others’ whims.
• Internal validation is sturdier, promotes psychological resilience, and aligns you with your authentic self.
• The need for approval is biological, social, and deeply conditioned – but not unchangeable.
• Be vigilant for “validation debt” and moments when you defer to others’ opinions.
• Reconnect with your values; imagine your ideal future self to guide behaviors now.
• Practice self-recognition and tolerate discomfort when approval is withheld.
• Remember: you can’t please everyone, and being liked isn’t the same as being loved.
• “Build your own foundation before asking others to decorate your internal home.” (49:15)

In Summary

Jemma Sbeg masterfully unpacks why external validation is both alluring and perilous, offering both scientific explanations and heartfelt, practical advice for shifting toward greater internal validation. This episode is a window into why so many twenty-somethings (and others) struggle with approval-seeking—and how to gently but powerfully change course.

For further exploration, see episode resources and reach out on Instagram at @thatpsychologypodcast to share your thoughts or tips on resisting the pull of external validation!