Podcast Summary:

Podcast: The Psychology of your 20s
Host: Jemma Sbeg (iHeartPodcasts)
Episode 346: How to Avoid Settling in Your 20s
Date: October 24, 2025

Episode Overview

This episode tackles the persistent question of why so many people in their 20s settle for unfulfilling romantic relationships. Host Jemma Sbeg delves into the psychology underpinning this pattern, explores societal and emotional pressures, and offers practical advice for recognizing and breaking free from "good enough" relationships. Jemma’s goal is to encourage self-reflection, empower listeners to demand more from their love lives, and provide actionable steps for moving forward if they recognize themselves in these scenarios.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. The Central Question: Why Do We Settle in Our 20s?

[02:20–05:40]

• Many young adults accept less than they deserve in relationships, giving second and third chances, or clinging to mediocrity out of fear of being alone.
• Jemma frames this as a period in life where opportunities for growth, independence, and self-discovery are at their peak: "Being single in your 20s is a whole lot better for your character development." (03:15)

2. Defining 'Settling' in Relationships

[05:40–08:00]

• Settling means staying with someone out of comfort, fear, or routine, instead of genuine fulfillment or deep compatibility.
• "You may never find better, but is this even that good?" (07:08)
• Not all signs are obvious—indifference, persistent doubt, or meeting needs outside the relationship are red flags.

3. Therapist-Backed Signs You’re Settling

[08:00–10:30]

• Constant doubts (“Is this all there is?”)
• Always fixing, never improving
• Feeling held back
• Fear of being single outweighs desire to stay
• Ignoring gut instincts
• Leaning on others for emotional needs
• Indifference replacing affection
• "The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference." (09:35)
• Cognitive dissonance: Knowing you deserve better, but staying anyway

4. Psychological and Social Reasons Behind Settling

[10:30–19:08]

• Comfort and ‘Good Enough’: Difficulty leaving when things aren’t overtly ‘bad’; hope keeps people stuck
  • “Hope will kill you. Hope kills us in these situations because we keep expecting the time when it’s just all going to be good.” (11:30)
• Loss Aversion: Fear of losing what’s been invested outweighs the benefits of leaving
• FOMO & Timeline Anxiety: External milestones (marriages, engagements) pressure people to pair off to ‘tick a box’ rather than prioritize happiness
• Fear of Being Alone: Especially strong in anxiously attached individuals
  • "A 2023 study found... the biggest factor was that they were scared of being alone." (15:10)
• Low Self-Esteem: Internalized doubts about finding someone better or being worthy of more
  • “That lie is what’s keeping you in a relationship that actually probably is worsening your self esteem.” (17:33)
• Not Wanting to Disappoint Others: Staying to please family or friends, despite personal unhappiness

[22:34] The True Cost of Settling

1. Identity Cost

[22:34–26:00]

• Over-attachment to a partner stifles the exploration of self that defines your 20s.
• "You are meant to be trying on different versions of who you may want to be... they will allow you to be a separate entity and explore." (24:10)
• Identity Foreclosure: Choosing a fixed identity (e.g., “girlfriend/boyfriend”) too early, missing out on discovering other possibilities.
• Example: Jemma’s friend, who realized post-breakup she didn’t know how to make decisions for herself.

2. Romantic & Opportunity Cost

[26:00–29:00]

• Missing out on other experiences, partners, and lessons from being single or dating around
  • “Not every experience that is painful is bad. Sometimes they do actually teach you important lessons.” (28:05)

3. Experience and Emotional Cost

[29:00–31:15]

• Chronic unhappiness: Anxiety, numbness, and self-abandonment grow each day you remain in the wrong relationship
• “Every day you abandon yourself a little bit more. Every day you fall a little bit more silent. Every day you feel less like yourself... Is a day you don’t get back.” (30:17)

[31:15–36:30] What To Do If You Realize You're Settling

Self-Reflective Questions

• If your best friend was in this relationship, what would you tell them?
• What would ‘future you’ beg you to do now?
• If you were guaranteed to find someone else, would you leave?
• When picturing your ideal relationship, is your current partner there?

Practical Steps for Leaving

1. Plan the Conversation
   • Focus on your needs, avoid false hope or blaming
   • Consider writing a letter
2. Structure Your Next Two Weeks
   • Fill your calendar, establish distractions
   • Keep busy to avoid returning out of loneliness
3. Invest in a Project or Hobby
   • Channel grief into something productive
4. Process and Find Meaning
   • Write a ‘fable’ of the relationship—identify lessons
5. Rely on Community
   • Find “single friends” or a support group
   • Don’t navigate the breakup alone
6. Allow Grief—but Don’t Let Sadness Mean Regret
   • “You can feel devastated, you can feel heartbroken, and still know this wasn’t right.” (35:45)
   • Indulge feelings, listen to breakup albums (e.g., Olivia Dean), watch cathartic movies.

[36:30–40:04] Final Encouragements

• “You are not being greedy or unrealistic if you expect or want an amazing love story for yourself.” (36:45)
• If you’re listening to this, you likely know what you need to do; leaving is hard but you’ll thrive eventually.
• Jemma closes with compassion and encouragement for listeners to have courage, take action, and be gentle with themselves through transitions.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Self-Worth and Settling:
  • “If someone isn’t making your life better every day, isn’t making you a better person every day, why stay with them?” (03:15)
• On Cognitive Dissonance:
  • “We know we deserve better, but we still stay. What we do conflicts with what we continue to understand and believe.” (10:00)
• On False Hope:
  • “Hope will kill you. Hope kills us in these situations because we keep expecting the time when it’s just all going to be good from now on.” (11:30)
• On Fear of Being Alone:
  • “A 2023 study found that ... the biggest factor was that they were scared of being alone. And this is especially the case if you are quite anxiously attached.” (15:10)
• On Identity Exploration:
  • “Our 20s are... the peak period of your life for identity exploration ... you are meant to be trying on different versions of who you may want to be.” (24:10)
• On Breaking Up and Sadness:
  • “You can feel devastated, you can feel heartbroken, and still know this wasn’t right and was never going to be right.” (35:45)
• On Deserving Grand Love:
  • “You are not being greedy or unrealistic if you expect or want an amazing love story for yourself.” (36:45)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [02:20] Episode introduction and framing the central question
• [05:40] Defining what it means to "settle"
• [08:00] Signs you’re settling
• [10:30] Why do we settle? Psychological and social reasons
• [22:34] The cost of settling in your 20s
• [31:15] What to do if you realize you’re settling (reflection and action steps)
• [36:30] Final encouragements

Tone and Style

Jemma maintains an empathetic, direct, and supportive tone throughout. She blends scientific concepts with relatable anecdotes, balancing professional insights with approachable advice and gentle, but honest, wake-up calls. The episode is rich with reassurance for those struggling and empowers listeners to embrace the discomfort of change for the sake of self-discovery and genuine happiness.

Takeaway

Don’t be afraid to expect, demand, and pursue more in love. Settling is common but rarely the path to fulfillment—your 20s are the time to explore, grow, and prioritize your own happiness and identity. Even if breaking free is painful, it’s a temporary pain that creates space for lasting joy and authenticity.