Podcast Summary: The Psychology of your 20s

Episode 356: How to Survive a Breakup in Your 20s

Host: Jemma Sbeg
Release Date: November 21, 2025

Episode Overview

In this heartfelt episode, Jemma Sbeg delves deep into the pain and psychology of breakups in your 20s. Using both personal anecdotes and psychological research, she builds a compassionate, science-backed guide for listeners experiencing heartbreak. Jemma addresses the emotional intricacies, brain chemistry, and the stages of moving on, all while injecting warmth, wisdom, and practical advice for getting through one of life's toughest emotional blows.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Personal Story: Two Breakups in a Year

• [03:10] Jemma begins with her own experiences—two significant breakups in 2021.
  • One: the end of a long-term, serious relationship.
  • The other: a deeply felt, though less "official," situationship.
• Endings brought embarrassing moments, delayed grief, and a slow realization that the relationships were truly over.
• Positive outcome: The pain of breakup inspired her to create this podcast.

  "I'm also very grateful for that breakup because OG listeners will know that is how The Psychology of Your 20s started." – Jemma Sbeg [06:56]

2. Why Do Breakups Hurt So Much? The Science

• [10:40] Breakups cause real, physical pain—comparable to drug withdrawal.
  • Brain becomes reliant on "love" neurotransmitters: dopamine and oxytocin.
  • The end of a relationship leaves a neurological & emotional void.
• Reference to the 2012 study showing that heartbreak activates the same brain regions as physical pain.

  "The pain you're feeling is not in your head. It is very much real." – Jemma [13:22]

• Social pain is processed equally to physical pain in the brain.

3. The Concept of Ambiguous Loss & "What Ifs"

• [17:20] Grieving not only the past or present, but an imagined future that will never happen (ambiguous loss).
• The "what ifs" that follow a breakup prolong suffering and prevent closure.

  "The opposite of closure is possibility, and that's what the what ifs are thriving in." – Jemma [19:14]

4. The Life Cycle of a Breakup: The Three Waves

a. Shock and Denial

• [21:00] Immediate aftermath—emotional lag, feeling numb, or like everything is normal.
• Important: Delayed grief is normal.

b. First Wave: Emotional Mess

• [22:33] The gates open, pain floods in.
  • Impulsiveness, trying to stay friends, seeking closure, erratic behaviors.
  • Strong advice: Go No Contact for 30 days.

    "Going no contact just gives you the time to concentrate on what you think about the situation and to also just work through the pain." – Jemma [24:02]

c. Second Wave: Deep Healing

• [31:00] The reality sets in. Fun distractions stop working.
  • Focus on time, self-care, friendships, hobbies, and “dating yourself.”
  • Spending time with friends and investing in self is crucial.

d. Third Wave: Acceptance

• [29:55 & 37:18] Light at the end of the tunnel—clarity about lessons learned, patterns, and future optimism.
  • Even after acceptance: “mind pops” (involuntary happy memories) may arise, but don’t indicate a need to get back together:

    "These involuntary memory flare ups, they are no more than what we call mind pops." – Jemma [37:38]

  • Pollyanna Principle: You remember the good times more than the bad—don’t let nostalgia mislead you.

5. Restructuring Your Environment

• [49:16] Change your physical space to assist your emotional recovery.
  • Remove reminders of your ex.
  • Rearrange, redecorate, add new things to symbolize your new chapter.
  • Referenced environmental psychology and Kurt Lewin’s equation.

6. Find a New Project

• [51:57] Channel breakup energy into a project or hobby—something they know nothing about.
  • It becomes a proving ground for self-growth.

  "Heartbreak is like heroin for getting stuff done and for reinventing yourself." – Jemma [52:44]

  • This podcast was her post-breakup project.

7. Get a Breakup Buddy

• [54:02] Find someone else going through heartbreak (book clubs, clubs, events) and co-regulate your emotions together.
  • Reference to 2011 emotional disclosure study: sharing with someone in a similar situation reduces depression.

8. Fill the Relationship Void with New Friendships

• [56:42] Losing a romantic partner frees up energy—fill it with new or deeper platonic connections.

  "Researchers estimate that that relationship is worth about five smaller friendships or connections. So now you have all this space... fill the closet." – Jemma [56:56]

9. Visualization and Narrative Psychology

• [59:29] Visualize your life five years in two ways: if you’d stayed, and now that you’re free.
• [01:03:19] Write the story of your relationship, ending, and “why it had to happen”—this helps reclaim your narrative, a core concept in narrative psychology.
  • Reference to Dan P. McAdams.

10. Music as a Tool for Healing

• [01:05:36] Create a breakup playlist.
  • Not only an outlet, but a way to track healing—songs that once made you cry eventually lose their emotional charge.
  • 2014 study: breakup songs promote emotional expression, which aids healing.

  "...I listened back to my breakup playlist... I felt nothing. And it was this really profound way of seeing how I have changed." – Jemma [01:06:09]

11. Hope for the Future

• [01:08:00] It’s easy to feel pessimistic, but your biggest love story may be ahead.
  • She shares stories of people in her family finding love later in life, underscoring the universality and unpredictability of real connection.

  "True love really does exist. And sometimes I do think it's waiting behind heartbreak." – Jemma [01:10:18]

  • "You are the love of your own life... focus on you for a while." [01:11:20]

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Breakups are just like such fertile soil to plant the seeds of your new life." – Jemma Sbeg [39:58]
• "Going cold turkey on a relationship might feel a lot more painful, but it speeds the process up a lot." – Jemma [24:32]
• "The opposite of closure is possibility... it's the what ifs that make the pain last as long as it does." – Jemma [19:14]
• "Heartbreak is like heroin for getting stuff done and for reinventing yourself." – Jemma [52:44]
• "I wish that I could just sit down with my younger self and just say, you've just got to get through this." – Jemma [01:09:05]

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Personal Story & Setup – [03:10 – 10:40]
• Brain Chemistry & Science of Heartbreak – [10:40 – 17:20]
• Ambiguous Loss, “What Ifs”, and Closure – [17:20 – 21:00]
• The Three Waves Model – [21:00 – 29:55]
• Tips & Advice for Healing
  • Restructuring Environment – [49:16]
  • New Projects – [51:57]
  • Breakup Buddies – [54:02]
  • Connecting with New Friends – [56:42]
  • Visualization & Narrative Exercise – [59:29 – 01:03:19]
  • Breakup Playlist & Musical Healing – [01:05:36]
• Hopeful Reflections & Final Encouragement – [01:08:00 – End]

Overall Tone

Warm, empathetic, and empowering. Jemma’s delivery combines scientific insight, gentle humor, and deeply personal vulnerability.

Summary Takeaway

The pain of a breakup is real, complex, and universal—but it’s also survivable and transformative. By understanding the brain science behind heartbreak, embracing the stages, and nurturing new connections and passions, you can heal and grow. Most of all, remember: your best relationship is with yourself, and your next great love may be just around the corner.