Podcast Summary: The Psychology of Your 20s

Episode 358: Why you should decentre romance in your 20s
Host: Gemma Sbeg
Date: November 28, 2025

Overview: Episode Theme and Purpose

In this insightful solo episode, host Gemma Sbeg explores the growing trend and psychological importance of “decentering” romance—specifically prioritizing personal growth, friendships, and self-discovery over the search for romantic relationships during your 20s. Drawing from her own life, client experiences, and psychological research, Gemma outlines why so many people make romantic love the center of their young adult lives, the hidden costs of this approach, and practical strategies to re-balance your priorities for a richer, more fulfilling decade.

Key Discussion Points and Insights

Why Is Romance So Central in Our 20s? (04:10–11:30)

• Societal Conditioning:
  • Early adulthood is flooded with narratives (from childhood stories, social expectations, and media) that glorify partnering up, making singlehood seem like merely a prelude to life truly "beginning."
  • External validation is often attached to relationship milestones: "The rest of my life would not start, could not start, until I had ticked off, get a boyfriend on my list." (06:07)
• Anxiety Over Being Single:
  • The pressure leads to internal questions—do you really want a partner, or do you just want your single anxiety to go away?
  • "Do you actually want a relationship? Or would it just stop you worrying about what you may be missing out on?" (09:07)
• Social Approval and Conformity:
  • Questions from family and friends ("Do you have a boyfriend yet?") reinforce the idea that being in a relationship is a universal and urgent goal.

The Risks of Centering Romance Too Much (11:32–15:44)

• Narrative Foreclosure:
  • Rushing into relationships to avoid the discomfort of singleness can lead to "closing chapters" too early, often resulting in people staying in wrong-fit partnerships.
  • Referencing a 2013 study: "61% of couples who recently got a divorce cited that getting married too young was one of the main factors their relationship didn't work out." (13:28)
• Lost Opportunities:
  • Investing all energy in romance means friendships, travel, self-exploration, and even professional pursuits take a back seat.
  • “You lose your identity, you lose your priorities. You also lose your time." (15:03)

Deciding to Decentre Romance: Why and How (15:45–21:00)

• Your 20s as a ‘Selfish Decade’:
  • Encourages re-claiming time for yourself—travel, radical self-change, creativity.
  • “Having these goals and ambitions for yourself requires focus and it requires time. And it requires you to be really honest and in touch with who you are.” (15:44)
• The True Cost of Dating Burnout:
  • Dating intensely is compared to a second job in terms of time and emotional energy.
  • “Fifty percent of the time I would be thinking about men… and that was time that I don’t get back.” (15:40)

Practical Strategies for Decentering Romance (22:01–43:18)

1. Fill Your Own Cup First

• Referencing Self Determination Theory: Meet needs for relatedness (friends, community), competence (skills, creativity), and autonomy (independence) before prioritizing romantic love.
• "If your cup is not overflowing, I don’t think that romantic love is going to make it flow anymore." (22:57)

2. Pick a ‘Misogi’ Challenge

• Drawing from a Japanese ritual—a misogi is a year-defining, deeply personal challenge (write a book, run a marathon, start a business) that demands the kind of commitment we often reserve for romance.
• “So many of us focus on dating because it feels like a worthy project. But when you have a misogi, you are laser focused… all these other kinds of love… you don’t have time.” (24:03)
• Taking on a big self-directed dream is not only fulfilling but attractive.

3. Take a Dating Detox

• Treat dating burnout like job burnout—give yourself a break from apps and ambiguous talking stages.
• “You’re not running out of time. Three months of dating isn’t going to kill you. Six months of not being on the apps isn’t going to ruin your life.” (29:26)
• Gemma’s own experience: After a detox, she set clear boundaries and met her long-term partner.

4. Date Your Friends

• Pour time and creativity into friendships—host dinner parties, plan outings, be intentional.
• “Honestly, sometimes I would find myself on a date with a man and being like, damn, I really wish my best friend was here.” (35:20)
• Cultivating deep platonic love creates enduring support systems.

5. If You Knew Love Was Coming: The ‘6-Month Thought Experiment’

• If you were guaranteed to meet your person in six months, what would you do with your newfound time?
• Encourages making a "single bucket list"—15 solo goals to accomplish before new love enters.

6. Become Obsessed With Yourself

• “I want you to become obsessed with yourself. That is one of the only ways I see as being able to decenter romance or obsession from somebody else.” (39:57)
• Self-celebration and high standards serve as filters—only those who value and cherish you (as you do yourself) can get in.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the anxiety behind dating:
  “Do you really want a boyfriend? Do you really want a girlfriend? Or do you just want the anxiety about being single to go away?” (09:07)

• The risk of settling:
  “What could really, I really believe should scare us more than not finding somebody is actually finding the wrong person and confusing them with the right person.” (13:02)

• On self-prioritization:
  “Your life is not about you anymore. It is about this faceless, elusive someone who will come into your life and save the day… If you are waiting to be chosen before your life really begins, you are going to contort yourself, change yourself, lose yourself…” (15:19)

• Advice for the impatient:
  “You’re not running out of time. Three months of dating isn’t going to kill you. Six months of not being on the apps isn’t going to ruin your life. In fact, I think it’s probably going to improve your life.” (29:26)

• Proof of concept:
  “After I did my dating detox… The first person I matched with after I did my dating detox is now my boyfriend of three years.” (31:48)

• Reflective prompt:
  “If I knew I would find the love of my life in six months… what would I do in the time I have from then to now?” (37:37)

• Elevating self-love:
  “I want you to become obsessed with yourself. That is one of the only ways I see as being able to decenter romance or obsession from somebody else.” (39:57)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Intro & Why romance dominates our 20s: 03:23–11:30
• The hidden risks of centering romance: 11:32–15:44
• Your 20s as a selfish decade: 15:45–17:45
• Reflections on dating as a time and energy drain: 15:40–17:45
• Self-determination theory & Relationship to self: 22:01–23:30
• The ‘Misogi’ challenge: 24:27–26:50
• How hobbies make you attractive: 27:26–28:30
• Dating detox story (Gemma’s rules): 31:48–34:47
• Date your friends & the value of platonic love: 34:48–36:37
• The ‘6-month experiment’ & bucket list: 37:37–39:45
• The case for healthy self-obsession: 39:57–41:55

Final Thoughts and Takeaways

Gemma powerfully advocates not for abstaining from love, but for ensuring it is only one element of a richly self-directed life. She encourages listeners to reclaim their 20s as a time for selfish pursuit, deep friendships, creative growth, and radical self-acceptance—allowing romance to be an enriching addition, not the main script. The episode resonates as both a practical and philosophical guide for anyone feeling burned out, pressured, or disillusioned with dating, and is filled with actionable tools for building a rewarding, love-rich (but not love-dependent) decade.

For more, follow Gemma on Instagram @psychologypodcast or find her book at psychologyofyour20s.com.