The Psychology of Your 20s – Ep 369: Answering Your Biggest 20s Dilemmas ft. The Listeners

Host: Gemma Sbeg
Date: December 29, 2025
Podcast: The Psychology of Your 20s (iHeartPodcasts)

Episode Overview

This episode is part of December’s annual “Guest Month,” but Gemma Sbeg turns the spotlight on her listeners, inviting them to share their biggest 20s dilemmas. Drawing from seven listener voice notes, Gemma offers personalized, psychology-based advice on challenging transitions and the messy, meaningful questions many face in young adulthood. Themes explored include moving back home, breakups, jealousy, friendships, guilt, uncertainty, and leaving the family nest.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Rebuilding Your Social Life After Moving Home

Listener 1 (06:00): Moved back home to Northern Spain after 9 years in Madrid—struggling to rebuild a social life and coping with returning to live with parents.

• Gemma’s advice (06:32–11:35):
  • Moving home post-college or after a life change is increasingly common but rarely discussed.
  • “No one teaches us ‘intro to friendship’” (07:00)—it often feels awkward to have to make friends in a place you “should” have them.
  • Don’t rely only on childhood friends: treat them as a safety net but widen your circles.
  • Take bold, sometimes awkward steps: Attend events solo (pub nights, nightlife, pottery/choir classes, lectures, trivia) to force interaction.
  • Become the “instigator” who plans events—“It’s magnetic how many people are looking for somebody like that in their life.” (09:35)
  • Don’t hesitate to ask for introductions through friends-of-friends.
  • Remember: Time is key for friendships (“Dunbar’s number says 200 hours and then one day you’ll be at the top of the mountain.” 10:20)

2. Rediscovering Self After a Breakup

Listener 2 (11:35): Just ended a 3-year relationship; struggling to disentangle identity from the ex and redefine personal goals.

• Gemma’s advice (12:35–16:51):
  • Breakups, though painful, are “such fertile ground for growth.” (13:19)
  • Reconnect with old friends—be open, admit if you’ve drifted, and ask for support.
  • “Hobby your life to the max” (15:07): distraction is healthy, not avoidance—use your newfound time and energy for exploration.
  • Dive into books and podcasts about others’ experiences to spark inspiration and gain emotional distance from your own pain.
  • “You’ve already lost the relationship—sometimes it feels like, what else do I have to lose?” (13:25)
  • Listen to the episode on “decentering romance in your 20s” for more.

3. Coping with People Not Liking You (“Real” vs. Perceived Negativity)

Listener 3 (16:51): How to emotionally process when people are truly mean, hateful, or jealous—not just imagined, but real.

• Gemma’s advice (18:09–23:38):
  • It’s not just your perception—malicious negativity does exist (18:55).
  • Gemma relates to experiencing “online hate” as her platform has grown.
  • Practice empathy: “90% of people’s opinions, criticisms, cruelty towards you is just a deep reflection of something within them.” (20:50)
  • Reference to Roald Dahl’s “Twits”: true ugliness comes from harboring ugly thoughts.
  • Take what’s useful from criticism, then let the rest go (22:12).
  • Gain perspective: “Neither of us really matter that much. Their opinion of me doesn’t really matter.” (22:57)
  • Use the block button if needed; let friends make up their own minds—protect your peace.

4. The Myth of “Figuring It All Out” & Decision Paralysis

Listener 4 (28:49): Approaching late 20s, feeling more lost—uncertainties about career, money, city living, traveling, and lack of clarity about what’s “right.”

• Gemma’s insights (29:59–34:10):
  • “No, I don’t think we ever figure it all out, and we’re not meant to.” (29:59)
  • The process of struggling and striving is the essence of living.
  • When overwhelmed, focus on the area needing the most attention (“Hate your job? Focus on that for six months.” 31:08).
  • “Which option will you regret NOT doing?”—use future regret as a decision-making tool (32:13).
  • Imagine a happy day 10–15 years from now—what does it look like? Use that vision to shape current actions (33:15).

5. Navigating the End of Long-Term Friendships

Listener 5 (34:10): Deep friendship doesn’t feel aligned anymore; values have diverged, but friend is resistant to drifting apart.

• Gemma’s advice (35:39–38:49):
  • Your care shows you deserve strong, aligned friendships.
  • If determined, sit down and have an honest, ‘almost breakup’-style conversation: “Our time has come to move on, and I hope you can understand."
  • Give space for both perspectives and leave with love: “Here is my love on a platter; take it with you” (37:05).
  • If the direct approach isn’t possible, ask yourself how you’d want it handled if the roles were reversed—then act accordingly.

6. Managing Eldest Daughter Guilt and Parent Expectations

Listener 6 (38:49): 25, married, living abroad for studies, but guilt over not being present for family is ever-present.

• Gemma’s insights (40:10–44:31):
  • This is a universal conflict: “Me or the family? Individual preferences or obligation?” (40:38)
  • Conditioning—especially in women—makes us feel selfish for pursuing self-actualization.
  • Living for yourself is “entirely part of life’s plan and normal.”
  • Communicate honestly—“I love you, but I have to do this for me.”
  • Keep lines open with family; recognize, “It’s not selfish. It’s actually unselfish for yourself and future generations.” (42:10)
  • You’re setting an example, as a psychologist and as a person, for healthy boundaries.

7. Fear of Leaving Home vs. the Urge for Independence

Listener 7 (44:31): 26, U.S., considering moving in with partner—but scared to leave home, unlike some peers who couldn’t wait.

• Gemma’s advice (45:27–50:30):
  • It’s about risk tolerance—some are “risk loving,” others, “risk neutral/averse.”
  • “There’s nothing wrong with feeling fear—it only means you care deeply and want it to work out.” (46:33)
  • Focus on positives: building a home, making memories, little rituals that feel like comfort (47:45).
  • Bring tactile comforts from your family home to your new space.
  • “This is just the next iteration and evolution of you as a person and so much growth is going to happen. It’s going to be amazing.” (48:36)
  • Living with your partner will bring joy and, after settling in, the excitement will likely outweigh the fear.

Memorable Quotes & Notable Moments

• “No one teaches us this. There's no ‘Intro to Friendship’ course.” —Gemma (07:00)
• “It’s magnetic how many people are looking for somebody like that in their life.” —Gemma, on becoming the social instigator (09:35)
• “Breakups...are chaotic and deeply painful. But it’s such fertile ground for growth.” —Gemma (13:19)
• “90% of people’s opinions, criticisms, cruelty towards you is just a real deep reflection of something within them.” —Gemma (20:50)
• “No, I don’t think we ever figure it all out, and we’re not meant to.” —Gemma (29:59)
• “Give her your love on a platter. Take it with you, it’s yours to keep. But we need to find a new direction.” —Gemma, on ending a friendship (37:05)
• “Living for yourself is entirely part of life’s plan and normal.” —Gemma (42:10)
• “This is just the next iteration and evolution of you as a person.” —Gemma (48:36)

Key Timestamps

• Main Episode Start: 03:35
• Listener 1—Moving Home & Social Life: 05:39–11:35
• Listener 2—Breakup & Identity: 11:35–16:51
• Listener 3—Coping with Dislike: 16:51–24:13
• Listener 4—Life Uncertainty: 28:49–34:10
• Listener 5—Friendship Endings: 34:10–38:49
• Listener 6—Eldest Daughter Guilt: 38:49–44:31
• Listener 7—Fear of Leaving Home: 44:31–50:30

Tone & Style

Gemma remains empathetic, warm, and honest—her responses blend personal stories with psychological insights. She is earnest, sometimes self-deprecating, and always encouraging, providing comfort for those grappling with complicated feelings in their 20s.

For Further Support

• Gemma references specific past episodes for deeper explorations (e.g., friendship, breakups, decentering romance).
• Urges listeners to connect in the comments and on Instagram for community support and future contributions.

This episode is a comforting, validating listen for anyone in their 20s—or beyond—struggling with feeling lost, misunderstood, or uncertain in major life transitions.