369. Answering your biggest 20s dilemmas ft. the listeners

Summary

The Psychology of Your 20s – Ep 369: Answering Your Biggest 20s Dilemmas ft. The Listeners

Host: Gemma Sbeg
Date: December 29, 2025
Podcast: The Psychology of Your 20s (iHeartPodcasts)

---

Episode Overview

This episode is part of December’s annual “Guest Month,” but Gemma Sbeg turns the spotlight on her listeners, inviting them to share their biggest 20s dilemmas. Drawing from seven listener voice notes, Gemma offers personalized, psychology-based advice on challenging transitions and the messy, meaningful questions many face in young adulthood. Themes explored include moving back home, breakups, jealousy, friendships, guilt, uncertainty, and leaving the family nest.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Rebuilding Your Social Life After Moving Home

Listener 1 (06:00): Moved back home to Northern Spain after 9 years in Madrid—struggling to rebuild a social life and coping with returning to live with parents.

• Gemma’s advice (06:32–11:35):
  • Moving home post-college or after a life change is increasingly common but rarely discussed.
  • “No one teaches us ‘intro to friendship’” (07:00)—it often feels awkward to have to make friends in a place you “should” have them.
  • Don’t rely only on childhood friends: treat them as a safety net but widen your circles.
  • Take bold, sometimes awkward steps: Attend events solo (pub nights, nightlife, pottery/choir classes, lectures, trivia) to force interaction.
  • Become the “instigator” who plans events—“It’s magnetic how many people are looking for somebody like that in their life.” (09:35)
  • Don’t hesitate to ask for introductions through friends-of-friends.
  • Remember: Time is key for friendships (“Dunbar’s number says 200 hours and then one day you’ll be at the top of the mountain.” 10:20)

2. Rediscovering Self After a Breakup

Listener 2 (11:35): Just ended a 3-year relationship; struggling to disentangle identity from the ex and redefine personal goals.

• Gemma’s advice (12:35–16:51):
  • Breakups, though painful, are “such fertile ground for growth.” (13:19)
  • Reconnect with old friends—be open, admit if you’ve drifted, and ask for support.
  • “Hobby your life to the max” (15:07): distraction is healthy, not avoidance—use your newfound time and energy for exploration.
  • Dive into books and podcasts about others’ experiences to spark inspiration and gain emotional distance from your own pain.
  • “You’ve already lost the relationship—sometimes it feels like, what else do I have to lose?” (13:25)
  • Listen to the episode on “decentering romance in your 20s” for more.

3. Coping with People Not Liking You (“Real” vs. Perceived Negativity)

Listener 3 (16:51): How to emotionally process when people are truly mean, hateful, or jealous—not just imagined, but real.

• Gemma’s advice (18:09–23:38):
  • It’s not just your perception—malicious negativity does exist (18:55).
  • Gemma relates to experiencing “online hate” as her platform has grown.
  • Practice empathy: “90% of people’s opinions, criticisms, cruelty towards you is just a deep reflection of something within them.” (20:50)
  • Reference to Roald Dahl’s “Twits”: true ugliness comes from harboring ugly thoughts.
  • Take what’s useful from criticism, then let the rest go (22:12).
  • Gain perspective: “Neither of us really matter that much. Their opinion of me doesn’t really matter.” (22:57)
  • Use the block button if needed; let friends make up their own minds—protect your peace.

4. The Myth of “Figuring It All Out” & Decision Paralysis

Listener 4 (28:49): Approaching late 20s, feeling more lost—uncertainties about career, money, city living, traveling, and lack of clarity about what’s “right.”

• Gemma’s insights (29:59–34:10):
  • “No, I don’t think we ever figure it all out, and we’re not meant to.” (29:59)
  • The process of struggling and striving is the essence of living.
  • When overwhelmed, focus on the area needing the most attention (“Hate your job? Focus on that for six months.” 31:08).
  • “Which option will you regret NOT doing?”—use future regret as a decision-making tool (32:13).
  • Imagine a happy day 10–15 years from now—what does it look like? Use that vision to shape current actions (33:15).

5. Navigating the End of Long-Term Friendships

Listener 5 (34:10): Deep friendship doesn’t feel aligned anymore; values have diverged, but friend is resistant to drifting apart.

• Gemma’s advice (35:39–38:49):
  • Your care shows you deserve strong, aligned friendships.
  • If determined, sit down and have an honest, ‘almost breakup’-style conversation: “Our time has come to move on, and I hope you can understand."
  • Give space for both perspectives and leave with love: “Here is my love on a platter; take it with you” (37:05).
  • If the direct approach isn’t possible, ask yourself how you’d want it handled if the roles were reversed—then act accordingly.

6. Managing Eldest Daughter Guilt and Parent Expectations

Listener 6 (38:49): 25, married, living abroad for studies, but guilt over not being present for family is ever-present.

• Gemma’s insights (40:10–44:31):
  • This is a universal conflict: “Me or the family? Individual preferences or obligation?” (40:38)
  • Conditioning—especially in women—makes us feel selfish for pursuing self-actualization.
  • Living for yourself is “entirely part of life’s plan and normal.”
  • Communicate honestly—“I love you, but I have to do this for me.”
  • Keep lines open with family; recognize, “It’s not selfish. It’s actually unselfish for yourself and future generations.” (42:10)
  • You’re setting an example, as a psychologist and as a person, for healthy boundaries.

7. Fear of Leaving Home vs. the Urge for Independence

Listener 7 (44:31): 26, U.S., considering moving in with partner—but scared to leave home, unlike some peers who couldn’t wait.

• Gemma’s advice (45:27–50:30):
  • It’s about risk tolerance—some are “risk loving,” others, “risk neutral/averse.”
  • “There’s nothing wrong with feeling fear—it only means you care deeply and want it to work out.” (46:33)
  • Focus on positives: building a home, making memories, little rituals that feel like comfort (47:45).
  • Bring tactile comforts from your family home to your new space.
  • “This is just the next iteration and evolution of you as a person and so much growth is going to happen. It’s going to be amazing.” (48:36)
  • Living with your partner will bring joy and, after settling in, the excitement will likely outweigh the fear.

---

Memorable Quotes & Notable Moments

• “No one teaches us this. There's no ‘Intro to Friendship’ course.” —Gemma (07:00)
• “It’s magnetic how many people are looking for somebody like that in their life.” —Gemma, on becoming the social instigator (09:35)
• “Breakups...are chaotic and deeply painful. But it’s such fertile ground for growth.” —Gemma (13:19)
• “90% of people’s opinions, criticisms, cruelty towards you is just a real deep reflection of something within them.” —Gemma (20:50)
• “No, I don’t think we ever figure it all out, and we’re not meant to.” —Gemma (29:59)
• “Give her your love on a platter. Take it with you, it’s yours to keep. But we need to find a new direction.” —Gemma, on ending a friendship (37:05)
• “Living for yourself is entirely part of life’s plan and normal.” —Gemma (42:10)
• “This is just the next iteration and evolution of you as a person.” —Gemma (48:36)

---

Key Timestamps

• Main Episode Start: 03:35
• Listener 1—Moving Home & Social Life: 05:39–11:35
• Listener 2—Breakup & Identity: 11:35–16:51
• Listener 3—Coping with Dislike: 16:51–24:13
• Listener 4—Life Uncertainty: 28:49–34:10
• Listener 5—Friendship Endings: 34:10–38:49
• Listener 6—Eldest Daughter Guilt: 38:49–44:31
• Listener 7—Fear of Leaving Home: 44:31–50:30

---

Tone & Style

Gemma remains empathetic, warm, and honest—her responses blend personal stories with psychological insights. She is earnest, sometimes self-deprecating, and always encouraging, providing comfort for those grappling with complicated feelings in their 20s.

---

For Further Support

• Gemma references specific past episodes for deeper explorations (e.g., friendship, breakups, decentering romance).
• Urges listeners to connect in the comments and on Instagram for community support and future contributions.

---

This episode is a comforting, validating listen for anyone in their 20s—or beyond—struggling with feeling lost, misunderstood, or uncertain in major life transitions.

Transcript

[Gemma Spike]

This is an iHeart podcast.

[Podcast Advertiser/Host]

Guaranteed Human Ever been at the pharmacy counter and your mind goes blank when the pharmacist asks you any questions? That is why you need to listen to beyond the Script from CVS Pharmacy and iHeartMedia starting January 14th. Hosted by Dr. Jake Goodman, each episode features real conversations with CVS pharmacists, the health expert you probably see the most breaking down the questions you wish you'd asked from which medications might not mix well to what vaccines do I need for my next big trip? They'll bust myths, decode trends, and share practical advice you can actually use. Listen to beyond the script on the.

[Gemma Spike]

Iheartradio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Podcast Advertiser/Host]

Hello my lovely listeners. By now you know the more knowledge we have about ourselves and the way our bodies work, the more empowered and in control we are. And and this is also true when it comes to our sexual health and what to do after unprotected sex. That's where Plan B comes in. It's emergency contraception with no age requirement that helps prevent pregnancy before it starts. And because it works by only temporarily delaying ovulation, it won't impact your ability to get pregnant in the future. We love a backup plan that puts us in control because the more we know, the more power we have. Learn [e-mail] you can users Directed Finding a therapist is hard enough, but finding one who actually takes your insurance? That is where most online therapy platforms fall short. But Ruler does things differently. They partner with over a hundred insurance plans, making the average copay just $15 per session. That is real therapy from licensed professionals at a price that actually makes sense. Thousands of people are already using Ruler to get affordable, high quality therapy that actually is covered by their insurance. Visit ruler.com to get started. After you sign up, you'll be asked how you heard about them. Please support our show and let them.

[Gemma Spike]

Know we sent you.

[Podcast Advertiser/Host]

That's r u l a.com J-E-M-You deserve mental health care that works with you, not against your budget.

[Gemma Spike]

I'll be honest with you all. Life as someone who is self employed.

[Podcast Advertiser/Host]

Is unpredictable and having flexibility with my finances is key. The Klarna Card is an upgraded debit card that lets you choose how to pay now or later, keeping you in control. The Klarna Card works anywhere Visa is accepted and there is no credit impact. To apply, sign up for the Klarna card by downloading the Klarna app or learn [e-mail] US KlarnaCard Klarna Card Pay later plans issued by Webbank Deposits in your balance account are held at Webbank Member FDIC anywhere Visa is accepted. Certain merchant products, goods and services restrict and supply. Some merchants do not accept virtual cards Physical card only included with the paid Klarna membership plan. Before all of the algorithm fed Bilar and the endless sea of dupes, shopping used to feel more fun. But here's a confession. Podlings, you can find that fun feeling again on ebay. It's not mindless scrolling, it's a fashion pursuit. I recently found a dress I've been looking for since I was probably 19.

[Gemma Spike]

That I saw on a show many moons ago and the feeling was exhilarating.

[Podcast Advertiser/Host]

There's always more to discover on ebay. Ebay has millions of pre loved finds from hundreds of brands backed by ebay. Authenticity Guarantee Ebay Things people love. Hello everybody, I'm Gemma Spike and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s.

[Gemma Spike]

The podcast where we talk through the.

[Podcast Advertiser/Host]

Biggest changes, moments and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.

[Gemma Spike]

Hello everybody, welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world. It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we of course break down the psychology of our twenties. It is that time of year again. If you have been listening all of December, you will know it is guest month where I just bring on the interesting, cool, exciting people. Experts. Yeah, whoever I really feel interested in talking to. To. Yeah, talk about their lives and talk about what they're passionate about and their interests. And so far it's been going amazing and I feel like we've had some really cool conversations. But our most precious, amazing guest is coming on today and that is you guys. That is you. All the listeners of the podcast. Every year I do one episode like this where I call out for you guys to send in your questions and your queries and your dilemmas as voice notes so that you can be featured on the podcast. And today is that day we had over. I don't know, I think like a hundred of you, yeah, voicemail me call in to the podcast to be included. But I chose just seven questions today to really deep dive into. So I hope you enjoy and thank you to all of you who contributed, whether you're featured or not. It was great, honestly, just getting to hear your voices and being like, wow, look at all these cool people that are like, that are listening to my podcast and that want to be involved and that's Just like, exciting. And all your different accents and like. Yeah, just different voices. It was like the coolest thing ever. So think. Without further ado, let's get into it, starting with this first question.

[Listener 1]

Hi, Gemma. So I just moved back to my hometown in the north of Spain. I've been living the past nine years in Madrid. I studied there, worked there, have all my friends there. And now I have encountered a situation that I've moved back to my hometown and I actually have to create a social life for myself. There's a. And honestly, I don't really know how to do it. I have a couple friends. They don't really seem to be that close anymore. I feel like I have to rebuild social connections, but in a way and in a place where I should have them. So it's very confusing. Let alone the fact of moving back home with your parents after being on your own for nine years, that's definitely taken a toll on my mental health. Thank you. I love your podcast.

[Gemma Spike]

Thank you for your question. This is a much more common experience than I think people realize. Moving back home to the places of our childhood to live with our parents after college or after a breakup or just, you know, when things go wrong and when things go right is actually something that I'm hearing about and seeing a lot of my friends more and more. It does put us in a really.

[Podcast Advertiser/Host]

Weird position, though, and I feel like.

[Gemma Spike]

This listener described it perfectly. Where you come back to this environment where. Where you assume that things might be the same, where you assume you'll have friends and you don't, and you have to rebuild what was once there and what you had previously. And the thing is, there's no guidebook. No one teaches us this. There's no, like, Intro to Friendship course. There's just this assumption that you meet people and they like you and you like them and it works out well and you have enough contact that you develop a friendship. We all know there are less opportunities for that anyways. Meeting people through convenient means like school and like classes and like, hobbies and work are like, some of the only ways to do that. And when you don't have school anymore, when it's kind of harder to fit in your hobbies with work, when you work remotely, like, it becomes a lot more difficult. So my advice to you would be this. It's so great you already have friends there. Probably, I'm assuming, like you said, from childhood, don't rely on them too heavily, obviously, contact. But consider them to just be like, this amazing social safety net. That you can go and talk to about this, but also that you need to expand out beyond. Get as in person as possible. Do things that you feel almost embarrassed about or that are going to be a little bit weird and do them alone as a way to meet new people. And sometimes to have that desperation, like, really force you to interact with people you might not otherwise have. So what I mean by that is I need you to be going to pub nights, choir nights, pottery classes, I need you to be going to lecture nights, especially if they're free, like events at the local library, bars, trivia nights, like, things like that by yourself or by inviting people that you might not know that well with just giving them the invitation and being like, hey, would you want to do this? Yes or no. Being the instigator. I talk about this so much on my episodes about friendship. But being the instigator, like, is a role that isn't filled in our society as much anymore. But everybody is craving somebody who will do it. Everybody wants the friend who's going to plan the group trips, who is going to make sure you have Wednesday night plans, make sure you have Friday night plans. If you do not have that, be that. Be the one who, like, puts their heart on the line to make community for others and people will just flock to you. Like, it's seriously, it's magnetic how many people are looking for somebody like that in their life. The other thing I would say that you should do is I think I talked about this in like an episode I did on moving to London. Another thing I think you should do. And I said this, and I talked about this on my episode about moving to London. Ask to be set up with friends of friends. Ask if there are people that you know who know people in that area who they think you would like and just do so, like, unabashedly and unashamedly be like, hey, I like your friend Mark. Like, do you think he'd ever want to hang out with me? Like, platonically, hey, I like your friend Rebecca. Like, can we do something all together, making those connections through other connections. Like seeing humanity and friendship, like the chain link that it is so valuable. And also this is unrelated but entirely related. Know that time is sometimes the most significant factor when we look at what makes people friends. Yes, similarity is important. Convenience is important. Trust is important. Time is the biggest factor. You know, Dunbar's number dictates the amount of hours you have to put into a friend or into an acquaintance for them to become a friend. It's. It's somewhere like 200 hours. And you can look at that mountain in front of you and be like, how am I possibly going to do this? Especially with multiple people? And then one day you'll be at the top of the mountain being like, wow, we did that. And we are so close and we have a great relationship because we prioritize each other and because we took the small moments that we had and just like ran with them. And because we compounded our friendship and our interest in each other over time. So good luck. I'm sure it's going to be amazing. And hopefully I get an update from you in a couple of months time being like, hey, I'm feeling a lot better about this, so, yeah. Okay, who are we going to hear from next? Let's listen to this one here.

[Listener 2]

Hi, Jemma. So I just got out of a three year relationship and I'm realizing that I centered my entire identity around him and his parents and all my time and energy kind of went into his goals for our life. So I guess my question is, how do I go back to my own roots and figure out what I want from this life and from my 20s? And I just wanted to say thank you, Gemma, on behalf of all of your listeners. I think I re listened to the episode where you talked about when you know it's time to walk away or when to know, how to know when it's time to walk away. About 10 times before I did walk away. But you have changed my life and we just want to encourage you and please keep doing what you're doing.

[Gemma Spike]

Oh, that's so sweet. And they always make me. I always feel so embarrassed that I appreciate. I appreciate the love. And I'm just gonna say I am so excited for you and maybe that's not what you want to hear, but, oh my God, I am so excited for you and for this next chapter and how freaking amazing it's gonna end up being. One of my best friends is going through a breakup right now. I gave her that same. Breakups, especially with someone you've been with for a while, are chaotic and deeply painful. And sometimes the. The grief and the guilt and all of that tangles up together and feels inescapable. It's also just like such fertile ground for growth. You've already lost this relationship. Sometimes it feels like, what else do I have to lose? So you're just like so much more exper. You have so much more room for experimentation with your life and because you're just so in touch with who you are because you're not distracted by having this partner. You're not distracted by dating. You're so in your own head and you're in your own thoughts about your feelings. What is going to come next often appears to you very rapidly and in, like, great moments of inspiration, like, genuinely, that is. How this podcast started was after a breakup, because it's just like every emotion is on the surface. You're able to intuitively feel them better, and you're also keen to do something with your energy and with your time. So I am super excited for you. I honestly think it's going to be great. My advice for reclaiming your life back now that you've descended this. This man or this person and. And his family, and it sounds like all of his friends as well, is to just firstly reconnect with your old friends, be completely honest and say, hey, I'm sorry. Like, that relationship took a lot for me, and I, you know, want to say I'm not the person or didn't think I was going to be the person that that happened to, but it did. And if you're having back in your life, I'd be very grateful. Be very earnest with your feelings towards old friendships. And then, similar to the advice I gave to the last listener, just hobby your life to the max. I want to see a full calendar. Some people say, like, distraction after a breakup is just avoidance. No, it's not. It's completely not. It's a healthy coping mechanism. You are taking your pain, and I want you to be putting it into all different avenues. Anything that you've ever thought you might like or that you wanted to explore, now is your chance because you just have so much free time. You're just such an open soul and an open wound. There's so much gushing out that, like, it's just going to ignite so many fires, and it's just going to be, honestly, pretty wonderful and spectacular what you end up discovering about yourself. I will also say read, read, read, or listen to podcasts, listen to audiobooks. Some of the times, like, the best way to find yourself is by discovering how other people did it and hearing their stories of how they became passionate about something and how they discovered the narrative of their life and how they, you know, came back from hard circumstances. Like, taking yourself out of your mind and out of your circumstances and seeing other people's lives and what they've done with them can be deeply inspirational and I think also gives you some of that emotional distance from the breakup that we need when we're in those, like, early days of healing. So we don't feel like this is all that life is. So I keep saying this. Best of luck, like, I'm rooting for you. We have so many episodes on this, by the way. We just did one recently on decentering romance in your 20s that I think you personally would really enjoy. So, yeah, there's so much. So much advice I could give. I'm going to keep it small and simple, hobby your life up, earnestly re approach friends, read, engage with material beyond your circumstances and beyond your breakup, and just know that you freaking got this. And it's going to be amazing, even if it's not great right now. All right, let's move on to our next question.

[Listener 3]

Hi there. I wanted to ask your opinion on navigating people not liking you in your 20s. Whether it's jealousy or your personalities clash, I think this is an experience many people go through, but when it is happening to you, you feel really alone and like it's only ever happened to. I know you've made past episodes about the fear of being perceived and how friendships can change or end, but I'm talking about specifically when people are purposefully mean and hateful towards you, what skills you can use to process those emotions and move forward from it. The feeling of being misunderstood by others and judged by others, and how not to let that shake your core or kind of send you into this very, very big spiral. I just find that a lot of episodes are very, very good to relate to. But when people are purposely mean in life, it's not perceiving them to be like that. It's a real experience. So I. I would just ask your opinion on how to navigate that. How not to become consumed by people's negativity towards you or being misunderstood, and how to just move forward from it all and not be held down by the weight of it.

[Gemma Spike]

Thank you. Oh, I love this question. I love this question because it's been something I've been thinking about a lot, and I love that you made that distinction. It's not perception. This is actually happening. I've had this happen a bit recently with just, like, some online hate that I've been getting, which I have this theory that if, like, you reach a certain level of followers or certain level of listeners, like, there's. That's when, like, people just come and they find you and they want to bring you down and they want to be not just critical, because criticism is actually something I enjoy and that I do respond. Respond to. It's going to Say, respond well, too. I don't. But I do try and respond better to. But this kind.

[Podcast Advertiser/Host]

It's this kind of person that just.

[Gemma Spike]

Like, maliciously gets something out of making your day worse and hating on you and ruining your reputation and being hurtful and spiteful. And when I encounter these people, I do this thought exercise that really helps me have not just neutrality, but kindness towards these people. Because really, my ambition and my goal is, when this happens is to have forgiveness and love towards these people because I find that that's, like, the strongest, deepest antidote to them being able to hurt you. And how I do it is. I think about the times when I've been in that mindset when I have been maybe not hateful. I don't think that I actually really don't think I ever have been hateful. But when I've been angered at somebody, when I've been judgmental of somebody, when I've perhaps gossiped about somebody, when I've been furious at somebody who cut me off, and I think about how the reaction that left on my body and on my heart and on my mind.

[Podcast Advertiser/Host]

And it's never been good.

[Gemma Spike]

It's never been good. It's always left me exhausted, kind of terrified, tired. I feel the ugliness in me, right? It's that Roald Dahl quote from the Twits.

[Podcast Advertiser/Host]

Like, if you are, you can be.

[Gemma Spike]

The most beautiful person in the world, but if you think terrible, ugly thoughts about others, you'll never be truly beautiful. Meanwhile, like, you could be objectively unattractive, but if you think good, positive thoughts, beauty will always, like, shine out of your face like a million flowers. I'm obviously butchering that quote, but I think about that, and I think about how this cruelty and meanness must be manifesting in them to such an intensity that it's able to be projected onto you. And having that empathy also makes me realize this has nothing to do with me. 90% of people's opinions, criticisms, perceptions of you, cruelty towards you is just a real deep reflection of something within them. And I know that's probably advice or things that you hear. You hear that a lot. And then when you really sink into that, like, sometimes it just hits when you're like, oh, gosh, yeah, like, they want to pull me down because to see me succeed would prove everything about them that they don't like. They want to criticize me because I'm friends with somebody else, because deeply, they are deeply jealous because they don't feel worthy of friendship in the first place. There's all these, like, deep psychological, cognitive explanations for why people behave like this. Understanding that more is the first step, and the second step is not just to ignore it, is to appreciate it, Take what you can from it, and then just let it go. Take what you can from it. Because sometimes, like, there is genuine criticism in someone's words, sometimes there's not. But if there is even a nugget of it, that's great. They've given you a gift. The rest of it you can literally just throw away. Sometimes getting existential and realizing how short life is is also really valuable to me. Not just how short life is, but how small each of us is and how small our circumstances are in the broad scheme of things is really valuable to me. And it's not. I don't do it to make myself feel bad or feel like I'm overreacting. Not at all. I just do it because it gives me perspective and it allows my center, my emotional orbit to not be this other person. Because neither of us really matter that much. Their opinion doesn't really matter about me. Like, their opinion of me doesn't really matter. My opinion of them doesn't really matter. And having that kind of detachment almost, and that big picture out of earth experience or perspective lets you just roll with the punches a little bit more. My final piece of advice on this is, like, if you can. I know it's hard if you work with somebody or if they're family. I'm a big fan of the block button. You know what? Like, you just. Just block them. Just don't be part of their life as much as you possibly can. And I know that you're going to think that's going to change how your friends maybe perceive you, especially if you're in a friendship group together or anything like that. But, you know, people make up their.

[Podcast Advertiser/Host]

Own minds about people and they see.

[Gemma Spike]

A lot more than you think they do, and they can tell a lot more than you need to tell them. So let people make their own opinions and own judgments about these people. I'm sure they will definitely come around to the right opinion and see what is happening. Don't try and force them and just do whatever it takes to, yeah, I guess, protect your peace. I hope that's the advice that you were looking for, and best of luck. Okay, we're going to take a short break here, but when we return, we have some more listener questions, so stay tuned.

[Podcast Advertiser/Host]

Ever been at the pharmacy counter and the pharmacist has asked you, do you have any questions and your mind suddenly just goes blank. That's exactly why you need to Listen to Beyond the Script from CVS Pharmacy and iHeartMedia starting January 14th. Hosted by Dr. Jake Goodman, this podcast brings you real conversations with CVS pharmacists, the health experts you probably see the most answering the questions you wish you'd asked sooner, like which medications might not mix well, what vaccines should you get before your big overseas trip? Even those questions you are sometimes a little bit too embarrassed to say out loud. Each episode busts myths, decodes health trends, and gives you practical, trustworthy advice straight from the people behind the counter. No white coats, no lectures. Just real talk, real answers, and maybe a few laughs. Listen to beyond the script on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. If anyone understands how chaotic life can get and how important flexibility with your finances is, it's me. Especially as someone who was self employed. Some months are stacked, some months are not. That's why the Klarna Card is such a smart tool for me. It's a debit card that lets you.

[Gemma Spike]

Decide how to pay upfront like a.

[Podcast Advertiser/Host]

Normal debit card, or plan ahead to pay later. Choose how you want to pay before you buy so you're spending with purpose and staying in control. The Klarna card works anywhere Visa is accepted and there is no credit impact. To apply, sign up for the Klarna card by downloading the Klarna app or learn [e-mail] US KlarnaCard Klarna Card Pay later Plans issued by Web Bank Deposits in your balance account are held at Web Bank Member FDIC anywhere Visa is accepted. Certain merchant products, goods and services restrict and supply. Some merchants do not accept virtual cards, physical card only included with a paid Klarna membership plan. Hello my lovely listeners. By now you know the more knowledge we have about ourselves and the way our bodies work, the more empowered and in control we are. And this is also true when it comes to our sexual health and what to do after unprotected sex. That's where Plan B comes in. It's emergency contraception with no age requirement that helps prevent pregnancy before it starts. And because it works by only temporarily delaying ovulation, it won't impact your ability to get pregnant in the future. We love a backup plan that puts us in control because the more we know, the more power we have. Learn [e-mail] users directed we all know at this stage, finding a therapist is hard enough, but finding one who actually takes your insurance. That is where most online therapy platforms fall short. Ruler does things differently. They partner with over 100 insurance plans, making the average copay just $15 per session. That is real therapy from a licensed professional at a price that actually makes sense. And Ruler it isn't just affordable, the experience is tailored around you. Other online therapy platforms might match you with the first available provider, whether or not they are the right fit. Ruler considers your goals, considers your preferences, considers your background to make you a curated list of licensed in network therapists who are actually aligned with what you need. Thousands of people are already using Ruler to get affordable, high quality therapy that's actually covered by Insurance. Visit ruler.com gemma to get started and after you sign up you'll be asked.

[Gemma Spike]

How you heard about them.

[Podcast Advertiser/Host]

Please support our show and let them know that we sent you. That's r u l a.com Gemma, you deserve mental health care that works with you, not against your budget. If you peeked into my bathroom right now, you would see a literal Primally Pure shrine. I'm talking the Plumping serum, almond and vanilla body butter and of course my Ride or Die, the antioxidant balm which I have gifted to nearly all of my friends. Primally Pure does skincare that's clean, female, founded and actually works. Their holiday bundles are toxin free, ready to wrap and perfect for gifting. Use code GEMMA15 for 15% off at www.primallypure.com. that's P-R-I-M A L L Y-P-U-R-E.com.

[Gemma Spike]

Okay, welcome back. Let's listen to some further questions from you guys or listeners, starting with this next one.

[Listener 1]

Hey Gemma, this is a note from London, England. Very excited to have you in the city soon. Just really love your podcast and it really, really resonates with so many of my friends and me, especially when we've hit this weird late 20s era struggling post Covid and trying to navigate our way through this strange time. One dilemma I had that I'm really struggling with is every year I think that I'm going to get closer to figuring it all out, quote unquote with my career, with relationships, with money, with what I want to do. And the older I get, the more I'm actually feeling like I know less and less. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm struggling to save money because I'm torn between living in a city that's cool versus saving for a house. I don't know whether to travel. I don't like My job. I feel so confused and lost. And I just like to ask, do you think we ever figure it all out? And what is the best course of action when you genuinely don't know which path in front of you is the right one to take?

[Gemma Spike]

Thank you. Whoa. Big questions. Quite simply, no, I don't think we figure it all out. I also have this deep philosophy that when we're not meant to, that when we stop striving, like, what's the point of being here? You know, what's the point of, like, inhabiting this world and like, and learning more, like, to have all the solutions and to know what, why it all happens and to have it all figured out and to have the perfect plan and for that plan to be executed kind of takes all of the fun out of it. Obviously, life's peaks and troughs can be really, really tough sometimes and, like, a real freaking struggle. And I'm sure this advice or this perspective is maybe not the one some of you want to hear, but really, like, this is. This is life. Life is actually not the times when it's all going well. It's the times that you struggle and you push through and you. You have to just trust your instinct and trust your desires and just kind of get some battle scars from it all. Like, that's really the proof that you are living. It's definitely difficult when you're like, there's a million fires going right now. Which one do I. Which one do I address first? I think you just have to ride the wave and just break it down one at a time. You hate your job. Like, you know what, that can be your focus for six months. Let's get this part of. Of life feeling good for now, and maybe that will change. But just making sure that you are taking deliberate actions towards the areas where you feel dissatisfaction is really important so that you don't just feel at the behest of your circumstances. What was the second part of that question as well? Like, how do you know when to make the what decision to make? What I always go with, because again, there's no right answer, is I just think about which one I'm going to regret not doing the most. You know, what is the thing that I'm maybe going to turn around at 70, 80, God willing, and be like, God, I wish I had done that. Can I see myself talking about this opportunity I have now like that? Can I see myself, you know, not traveling and having that thought? Can I see myself, you know, not staying in the city a little bit longer and Having that thought, whichever one I have the most, like, kind of gut reaction of maybe future regret towards is the one I know that I should do. And you can do pro cons list with that as well. But part of, like, figuring life out as much as you can or making right decisions, it's just getting really clear on what your gut is telling you and really clear on what your values are, what you really want to. What you really want to see happen in your life in the next five years and what is going to be aligned with that versus what is going to detract from that. One more exercise I do that I find really helpful is one of my friends actually told me about this and I even put it in my book, which is don't imagine everything going right. Don't imagine your dream life. Imagine a day in your life in 10, 15 years. That's a really happy day. And what are you doing? Who are you seeing? Who are you around? Who do you have dinner with? What kind of bed sheets do you wake up on? In what neighborhood? What about that makes you so happy? What about that future life makes you happy? How can you bring that into your life now? Not just in terms of decisions to get you to that future, but in terms of just like daily feelings of joy. What can you do right now to make this a great moment that you'll appreciate, even if it's not exactly where you want to be yet? So, yeah, that is my advice for that lovely listener. And also, thank you for welcoming me to London. I should have addressed that. I really appreciate that. Hopefully I get to meet you at an event soon and we can. We can talk more about it. I feel like I can say a lot more. All right, our next question. Here we go.

[Listener 4]

Hi, Gemma. So my dilemma is how do you deal with evolving friendships? And how do you end a friendship in your 20s? So I have a friend that I've known for many, many years, and we were very, very close for a very long time. But over the past couple years, there's been a buildup of some things that have been made me think that this is a friendship that no longer serves me. And it's kind of been a combination of the way I've been treated in a few different situations and also the fact that we are leading very different lives from each other. And a lot of the decisions she makes go against my values and things that I really believe in as a person. And so for that reason, I've been finding it of kind hard to still be friends with her. And anyway, without going to too much detail, this is a friendship that I no longer want in my life and I'm not really sure how to end it. I have brought up with her a little bit about how I don't agree with some of the things that she's done and I've asked her not to speak to me about some of the stuff that she's doing because it makes me uncomfortable. And she's been fine about that, but she's also been quite resistant to any suggestion that, hey, maybe we're very different people than we were when we became friends. So how do I kind of move forward?

[Gemma Spike]

Okay, this is a common dilemma and I'm going to be completely honest. It is one that I have definitely had before and I think I've done the wrong thing. So knowing that, I'm going to hopefully give you some advice on how to do the right thing. Firstly, the care that you have for your friend, despite the fact that you don't want to be friends with her anymore, is really beautiful and shows that you actually probably deserve much better friends. The fact that you're wanting to do this with kindness and with love is just a really big, huge testament to your character. So I want you to know that.

[Podcast Advertiser/Host]

Just to get that clear off the bat.

[Gemma Spike]

I'm hearing that you've like tried to have these conversations before. I think that if you are truly committed and truly in your mind, like, we are not going to be friends anymore, you need to sit this friend down and have a huge heart to heart.

[Podcast Advertiser/Host]

I have had friendships in the past.

[Gemma Spike]

Not to go into too much detail because I still have a lot of respect for these people, but that just haven't worked. Because we were different people and because we, our characters just weren't aligned, our values weren't aligned doesn't mean they were bad, doesn't mean they were awful. There were things that they did that hurt me that I didn't agree with and probably things that I did as well. The biggest regret I have is that I didn't have the, I don't know, courage, grace, knowledge, foresight to have a sit down conversation with that person and say, our friendship has meant so much to me and I really do love you and I care about you. Almost like a breakup. But like, you know, our time has come. Our time has come to move on and I hope you can understand it. And here are my reasons and here's your space to talk about maybe probably some of your grievances or some of your reasons. But here is my love on a Platter, take it with you. You'll always have it. It's yours to keep. But we need to find a new direction. So I think writing down what's really driving this feeling, being having the courage to have a sit down chat with her, knowing that you might get a terrible bad reaction, but also knowing that later down the line I think she'll, she'll probably appreciate the closure is super important, I think. And if that's not what you want to do, and if there's something else you. Another different way you want to approach it, just think if I was in her shoes, how would I want this situation to be approached if I. Because it sounds like she probably doesn't know that this is common, but like if I had this huge character flaw or this part about me that, you know, I wasn't really ready to address and it was going to cost me a friendship, how would I want somebody to approach that in the most honest, kind, gentle way? And that's a, just, that's a question you have to answer for yourself, but that is the way that you should do it. Good luck. You sound like a genuinely lovely person and I'm really sorry that the friendship has ended up this way, but it is unfortunately a part of life and you are handling it with grace. So that's the best we can do. Okay, next question.

[Listener 5]

Hi, Gemma. So in order for me to ask my question, I just want to give a little bit of background information and context. I am 25, I am married. I'm in my final year of pursuing a degree in psychology. I want to pursue a master's. I am very fulfilled in my hobbies and my friendship and the plans that I have for my life. However, my husband and I live in a different country, in a different time zone than our family and majority of our friends. And even with all of this and the separation and distance, I still have tremendous eldest daughter guilt. A lot of times it still feels. Feels like some comments or some jabs about being far away, not being present for certain things, not completely pursuing the ideas that my parents had for me in my life. I still feel pressured even though I'm so far away. And I was just hoping that you have any advice that you can give me on this. I loved your episode about how to feel like yourself again and how to stop seeking external validation. But I was just wondering if you have any practical advice for me. I love your podcast. Sincerely, a South African that just wants to be a dang psychology psychologist one day.

[Gemma Spike]

Oh my gosh.

[Podcast Advertiser/Host]

I love.

[Gemma Spike]

Firstly, I Love your accent. Anytime I hear a South African accent, it always, like, is so interesting and like crispy to me. Like, I don't know. I love a South African accent. So what a joy to listen to your question. Eldest daughter guilt is real and I have experienced it and so have many of my eldest daughter friends. This is actually a really important stage in life that you would know as somebody studying psychology that everybody has to go through of, like, what's the priority, Me or the family? Individual preferences or obligation? The collective or my own personal kind of ambitions and goals. And based on our conditioning, especially as women and eldest daughters can feel like choosing any of the left hand options, any of the individual preference, passion, like personal ambition options, like, means that you're selfish and means that you are a bad daughter and a bad sister and a bad brother friend and whatever. And that is just like complete bullcrap. Like, it's just not true. Life is something that, yes, you need to live within community and you want to be close to your family and friends, but is actually and completely about you and completely about what you are really striving to do and what you really want to do. You, I think, also need to do this for the younger you and also the future you who is really betting on you having the courage to just stick with what you want to do and just deal with maybe some of the criticism and some of the disappointment a little bit longer to realize a dream and also to realize a future way of living where there will be less guilt about this. You will be more discerning and more able to make the decisions that are best for you. And hopefully your family will understand. You know, families always say, like, we just want you to be happy. Sometimes it can feel like they don't really, but I think that they do. And just being able to have that conversation with your friends and with your family, just being like, I love you guys, I miss you, but I have to, I have to do this for me. And finding ways to stay in touch with them so they still feel a part of your life and not neglected is super, super important. Also, it sounds like the time will come when you can move back closer to your family and when you will be neighborly and you will be close to them and perhaps you're gonna miss this time quite a lot and you're gonna wish that you had seen it out to its full potential. I definitely know, like, when the time is right, the time is right and you will sense it and you will feel it. And cutting any chapter short early for expectations or what other you think other people want for you from you or for factors beyond your own deep desire might leave you with a little bit of regret and wishing that you had lived out the rest of that, that period and feeling like the door kind of closed a little bit too early and you a little bit discombobulated. So I think you're making a great choice by just finishing out, closing out this chapter. Make sure that you just like, keep the communication lines open with family that like, you love them and you care about them and maybe this is in your future plans, but like right now you need to do this for you and recognize that it's, it's not selfish. It's actually incredibly unselfish for yourself and for future generations. And if you want to have kids to really learn and reinforce, and especially you as a psychologist as well, to know that making decisions that are best for you is actually entirely part of life's plan and entirely normal and a really important part of the developmental process that you learn how to, how to do this and how to live beyond the expectations that others have for you. So I hope that advice is helpful. And yeah, I could listen to your South African accent all day. It's, there's something about it I can't, I can't describe, describe. It just does something like crunchy and fun to my mind. So best of luck. Okay, we have time for one final question for our listener episode. Here it is.

[Listener 2]

Hi. I'm so excited that you're doing this segment again. So I am a 26 year old female living in the United States. I don't know if you need that information, but my dilemma is that I'm looking at moving in with my partner and something that scares me so much is like finally moving away from home. And I know not every 20 something year old has that fear. A lot of people just kind of jump and go. But I'm wondering what the psychology or if there's any psychology behind that, like why certain people are scared to move away from home and why certain people just can't wait to move away from home. Curious to hear your thoughts and hope this helps other people that might be feeling the same way.

[Gemma Spike]

I actually think this is the best question to end on. Like, I love that we had that parallel of somebody who's like, oh, I'm living away and I, and I feel kind of guilty and then somebody's being like, oh, I really want to move, but I don't know how to process that. Like, and then somebody who has moved back Like I. That's kind of a coincidence that that happened. I didn't realize that I like chose this theme of like, I guess, moving and family, which is something that's heavy on my mind. But anyways, thank you for dialing in. Thank you for leaving a call. Another beautiful voice. There is an explanation for this and it's. It's rather complex, but also simple. And I think it really comes down to how we view risk and our tolerance for uncertainty and our tolerance for new novel experiences. So each of us basically has a risk profile of how tolerant, how comfortable we feel with things that are scary and things that are new. We have risk loving, risk averse, risk neutral, risk loving. That describes the kind of person you talked about who was like, cool. I turned 17, I'm turned 18.

[Podcast Advertiser/Host]

Like, I'm out of here.

[Gemma Spike]

I'm not even. I don't have a plan. I don't even have a plane ticket. I don't even have a suitcase. But I know I want to go somewhere. These are the people who are like, like you just. I admire them so much. Like they're always on the road, they're always ready to make new choices. One of my friends, Gracie, is like that and I just think she's so cool. It's not who I. I think I'm more risk neutral. I can kind of take it or leave it. And it sounds like you might be a little bit risk averse in this situation. The fear factor and some of the discomfort of change just weighs on you a little bit more heavy. There's nothing wrong with that. It's actually completely normal. That's just how you are. And you're probably trying to be a bit more conscious and think about this a little bit more and make sure that's the right decision. And I think that that's actually a sign that it is. The fact that you are thinking about it so deeply, the fact that you are so invested in ensuring that you know this is going to work out with your partner is beautiful. I'm not going to lie and say that moving away from your family is going to be necessarily the easiest thing in the world. Especially since you've been there for so long, like 20 something years. It might not be better. It's just going to be different and it's just going to be an incredible time. Don't focus so much on the downsides. Really keep your vision on the positives. Stocking your pantry, getting to decorate your home with the person that you love, getting to be naked on your couch whenever you Want to be getting to just make it your own and make it like, you know, how your parents created a great home for you and one that you love and being able to create that for yourself and for you and your partner's little family. And if you get pets and when friends come over, like, it's just such a beautiful young adult feeling that I'm so excited for you to have. When there are hard times, just make sure you have rituals that maybe tie you back to the comforts that you really enjoyed about living with your family and that were really amazing about being close to them. Make sure you've got those recipes for those home cooked meals so that you can make that for you even, you know, miles away. Make that for yourself even miles away. Bring something special from home. Maybe it's like a duvet, maybe it's like a blanket, a rug, a couple of photos. Integrate like this old life with this new life that you're entering into because it is all interconnected and this is just the next iteration and evolution of you as a person and so much growth is going to happen. It's going to be amazing. Also, living with your partner is a blast. Like, it's like having a sleepover every night and I feel like in the first three months you're going to be just like so excited and over the moon that you're not going to realize that you're missing anybody or that you're missing anything. So I just keep saying good luck but I really mean it to all of you. Like good luck. You guys are just so wonderful and beautiful and just are such beautiful, emotionally intelligent, earnest, fabulous questions. So I appreciate you guys going to the effort to want to be a part of the show and for being the best guest that I ever get the chance to have. You guys are such good guests. Oh, I don't know how many questions we are answered. All eight, nine of you and all the others. All the others of you who who also submitted questions, thank you so much. If you have any advice for any of these people, drop it in the comments below if you've listened this far. If you haven't further question, maybe I'll spend some time answering questions in the comments but also keep the advice going. If you have experience with any of these things. What tips would you give these people? Make sure as well that you are following us on Instagram at thatpsychology podcast if you want to see more behind the scenes stuff. If you want to be able to contribute to future episodes like this, that is where you are going to find out about it. But until next time, stay safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself, and and.

[Podcast Advertiser/Host]

Thank you for listening.

[Gemma Spike]

We will talk very, very soon.

[Podcast Advertiser/Host]

Ever been at the pharmacy counter and your mind goes blank when the pharmacist asks you any questions? That is why you need to listen to beyond the Script from CVS Pharmacy and iHeartMedia starting January 14th. Hosted by Dr. Jake Goodman, each episode features real conversations with CVS pharmacists, the health expert you probably see the most breaking down the questions you wish you'd asked, from which medications might not mix well to what vaccines do I need for my next big trip? They'll bust myths, decode trends, and share practical advice you can actually use. Listen to beyond the script on the.

[Gemma Spike]

Iheartradio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Podcast Advertiser/Host]

Hello my lovely listeners. By now you know the more knowledge we have about ourselves and the way our bodies work, the more empowered and in control we are. And this is also true when it comes to our sexual health and what to do after unprotected sex. That's where Plan B comes in. It's emergency contraception with no age requirement that helps prevent pregnancy before it starts. And because it works by only temporarily delaying ovulation, it won't impact your ability to get pregnant in the future. We love a backup plan that puts us in control because the more we know, the more power we have. Learn [e-mail] users directed I'll be honest with you all.

[Gemma Spike]

Life as someone who is self employed.

[Podcast Advertiser/Host]

Is unpredictable and having flexibility with my finances is key. The Klarna Card is an upgraded debit card that lets you choose how to pay now or later, keeping you in control. The Klarna Card works anywhere Visa is accepted and there is no credit impact. To apply, sign up for the Klarna Card by downloading the Klarna app or learn more [e-mail] US Klarna card Klarna Card Pay Later Plans issued by Web bank deposits in your balance account are held at WebBank. Member FDIC anywhere visa is accepted. Certain merchant products, goods and services restrict and supply. Some merchants do not accept virtual cards. Physical card only included with the paid Klarna Membership plan. Season two of Unrivaled basketball is here and the talent is unreal. Paige Beckers, Nafiza Collier, Kelsey Plumb, Brianna Stewart and more are back to replace to find the game unrivaled basketball season two sponsored by Samsung Galaxy tips off January 5th on TNT TruTV and HBO.

[Max (Public Investing Ad)]

Max Support for the show comes from Public, the investing platform for those who take it seriously. On Public you can build a multi asset portfolio of stocks, bonds, options, crypto and now generated assets which allow you to turn any idea into an investable index with AI. It all starts with your prompt. From renewable energy companies with high free cash flow to semiconductor suppliers growing revenue over 20% year over year, you can literally type any prompt and put the AI to work. It screens thousands of stocks, builds a one of a kind index and lets you back test it against the S&P 500. Then you can invest in a few clicks. Generated assets are like EFTs with infinite possibilities, completely customizable and based on your thesis, not someone else's. Go to public.com podcast and earn an uncapped 1% bonus when you transfer your portfolio. That's public.com podcast paid for by Public Investing Brokerage Services by Open to the Public Investing Inc. Member FINRA S I P C Advisory Services by Public Advisors llc. SEC Registered Advisor Generated Assets is an interactive analysis tool. Output is for informational purposes only and is not investment recommendation or advice. Complete disclosures available at public. Com disclosures this is an iHeart podcast.

[Gemma Spike]

Guaranteed human.