The Psychology of Your 20s – Episode 375: The Psychology of Friendship Trios

Host: Jemma Sbeg
Date: January 15, 2026
Podcast: iHeartPodcasts

Episode Overview

Jemma Sbeg explores the unique dynamics, psychological underpinnings, challenges, and rewards of friendship trios. Drawing from listener stories, research, and her own experiences, she dives into what makes groups of three both special and fragile, why feelings of exclusion and jealousy arise, the roles people adopt within trios, and concrete strategies for maintaining healthy three-person friendships.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Why Talk About Friendship Trios? ([03:00])

• Jemma expresses surprise that the topic hasn’t been covered before, despite the central role of friendships in our 20s.
• She explains how trios are a "weird middle ground": not the intimacy of a duo nor the chaos of a large group, but something uniquely challenging and rewarding.

“It can be a beautiful one. You get to call two people your best friend. It can also get really, really messy.” – Jemma Sbeg (03:45)

2. Case Study: Listener's Friendship Crisis ([05:20])

• Jemma reads a listener’s detailed account of a long-standing trio that fractured after a series of perceived exclusions and grievances:
  • One friend arrived late to a birthday dinner, leading to a fight and a three-day silence where she communicated only with the third friend.
  • The listener discovers the other two took a trip to NYC without her–a dream trip she had often expressed interest in–claiming they “forgot to tell her.”
  • She is left feeling blocked, hurt, and unsure if the relationship is salvageable.

Jemma’s initial advice:

• The listener’s anger and sadness are valid.
• Exclusion seems deliberate, not accidental.
• Consider what kind of apology or resolution is needed.
• Ultimately, the psychology to be discussed may offer further clarity.

“How can you forget to tell someone, let alone your best friend, that you’re on a plane to their dream city without them?” – Jemma Sbeg (07:05)

3. What’s Unique About Trios? Pros and Cons ([10:30])

Benefits:

• Double the support and companionship.
• More diverse perspectives and shared jokes.
• Joy in seeing best friends connect with each other.

Risks:

• Greater complexity in managing emotional needs.
• Increased potential for exclusion or jealousy.
• Group stability hinges on delicate role balance.

4. Social Science of Triads ([13:30])

Historical Perspective:

• Sociologist Georg Simmel posited triads are fundamentally different from dyads, not just pairs plus one.
• In a dyad: maximum intimacy, but fragile—all depends on both people.
• In a triad:
  • If one person pulls away, the group can survive.
  • More potential for group stability, but also for coalition and exclusion.

Notable Concept: Simelian Ties

• Describes the intertwined relationships between all three members.
• In a trio, there are four relationships: A+B, B+C, A+C, and the trio as a unit.

5. Roles Within Trios ([16:30])

Jemma identifies three archetypal (though overlapping) roles:

• The Bridge Builder: Organizer, planner, keeps the group together.
• The Emotional Anchor: Mediator, advice-giver, absorbs emotional labor.
• The Wild Card/Energy Bringer: Spontaneity, humor, brings excitement.

Healthy trios allow flexibility in roles. Rigid roles cause resentment or imbalance.

“If the planner suddenly stops planning, things are going to fall apart.” – Jemma Sbeg (20:18)

6. Third Wheel Dynamics & The Pain of Exclusion ([22:15])

• The feeling of being a "third wheel" is essentially social ostracism – a potent, painful sensation.
• Psychologist Kipling Williams’ “Cyberball” experiments show even mild exclusion (in a virtual ball-tossing game) produces anger, sadness, sometimes even physical pain.
• Exclusion from close friends can trigger cycle of rumination and self-doubt.
• From evolution: Our brains are wired to experience social rejection as a threat, activating the same pathways as physical pain.
• In trios, the possibility of two people pairing off and leaving one out is ever-present.

“If two friends argue, the third person can step in… but if two start hanging out without the third, that’s where friendship trios collapse.” – Jemma Sbeg (21:18)

7. Jealousy, Competition, and Fairness in Trios ([28:20])

• Trios often amplify feelings of competition and "friendship guarding" behaviors: competing for time, affection, access.
• 2021 study on "friendship tools for maintaining friendships in the face of third-party threats": Jealousy spikes not just when we lose a friend, but when we might be replaced.
• “Equity framework”: We unconsciously track the balance of what we give and get in relationships; perceived unfairness leads to conflict.

“We want to feel important, we want to feel seen. Is that just harder when you have a friendship trio?” – Jemma Sbeg (34:32)

8. Is the Trio Doomed? Navigating Challenges ([35:00])

• Not all trios are destined to fail. Jemma describes her own healthy trio and offers lessons:

Essential Skills:

• Acceptance: Feelings of jealousy or being left out are inevitable sometimes.
• Trust and Direct Communication: Trust friends’ intentions; talk directly rather than forming alliances or venting behind backs.
• Avoiding Side Conversations: Secrets foster paranoia and resentment.
• Embrace Conflict: Addressing issues is more efficient (and mature) than letting wounds fester.

“One of the easiest traps that trios slide into is that they have side conversations rather than shared ones… Basically, what we are describing here is the stage right before resentment.” – Jemma Sbeg (39:40)

9. Jemma’s Three Tips for Flourishing Friendship Trios ([44:00])

1. Let Roles Shift Over Time:
   • The “core” friend may rotate depending on life phases.
2. Invest in One-on-One Bonds:
   • Nurture each pair within the trio to keep the whole strong.
   • “If you’re close to both people in the group, then this is good practice.”
3. Trust and Comfort with Change:
   • It’s normal for the trio’s dynamics to evolve.
   • Trust your friends, let go of constant worry about being left out—unless there’s a genuine, persistent pattern.

10. When to Let a Trio Go? Signs to Watch For ([48:41])

• Chronic exclusion, constant anxiety or negativity, feeling “smaller” or “ganged up on” after interactions.
• If your identity or mood is regularly worsened by the group, it may be time to walk away.
• The pain of losing two friendships at once is real, but sometimes necessary.

Practical Guidance:

• Don’t ghost; be direct and honest about your hurt and needs.
• If you extend an olive branch and the others don’t reciprocate, it’s no longer in your hands.

“If this friendship is making you feel exhausted rather than lighter, it’s simply not worth it.” – Jemma Sbeg (50:10)

11. Redemption & Moving Forward ([50:50])

• Even if things end, leave the door open for future reconciliation.
• Remember: you did your best, and your friends may one day regret their behavior.

“Their decisions and their actions will not be without remorse… they will regret it.” – Jemma Sbeg (50:46)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On exclusion:
  “Feeling like the third wheel and having a deeply painful reaction to that is not stupid. There is scientific evidence… this sucks. Biologically, your body is primed to push back against this, and it really does.” (27:10)
• On communication:
  “What is a huge sign of true emotional maturity in our 20s? It’s not being afraid of conflict, because you know that avoiding it hurts everybody more.” (38:10)
• On directness:
  “It’s just purely efficient to talk to people about your problems.” (42:10)
• On the pain of leaving:
  “You often feel like you’re losing two friendships at once, plus the friendship of the three of you… if this friendship is making you feel exhausted rather than lighter, it’s simply not worth it.” (50:11)

Timestamps for Key Segments

• [03:00] – Introduction: Why trios matter
• [05:20] – Listener story: exclusion and hurt
• [10:30] – Pros and cons of trios
• [13:30] – Simmel & The Science of Triads
• [16:30] – Roles in trios
• [22:15] – The third wheel and pain of ostracism
• [28:20] – Jealousy and fairness in three
• [35:00] – Not all trios are doomed
• [39:40] – Communication pitfalls
• [44:00] – Three tips for healthy trios
• [48:41] – How to know when to leave a trio
• [50:50] – Leaving the door open for redemption

Conclusion

Jemma Sbeg offers empathetic, research-backed, and practical wisdom for anyone navigating the terrain of three-person friendships in their 20s. Friendship trios come with specific psychological vulnerabilities but, with maturity, communication, and self-awareness, they can be some of the most rewarding bonds of all.

Further Engagement:
Jemma invites listeners to comment their favorite portrayal of friendship in movies/TV (hers: Good Will Hunting).