The Psychology of Your 20s – Episode 377: Why do we resist change?

Host: Jemma Sbeg
Date: January 22, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode, host Jemma Sbeg delves into the psychology behind our struggle with change, particularly as it unfolds during our 20s—a decade full of transitions, opportunities, and personal growth. She examines why, despite our ambitions and goals, we often find ourselves clinging to the familiar and defaulting to the status quo. The episode offers science-backed explanations, memorable analogies, and practical strategies for embracing change, highlighting both its psychological costs and rewards.

Key Discussion Points

1. The Paradox of Change in Our 20s

• Theme: Our 20s are a period of continual upheaval and decision-making, yet we often fear or resist making big changes.
• Personal Story: Jemma describes a friend paralyzed by fear at the thought of leaving a toxic job, illustrating the disconnect between wanting change and acting on it.

  “She’s ready to get out, she’s ready to leave… she’d been working on her resume for three months now and hasn’t applied for a single job yet… She was like, well, what if I actually get the job? What if I get the job and I’m not ready and my whole life changes and I’m not prepared yet?” (03:45)

2. Why Change Feels Especially Daunting in Our 20s

• Emerging Adulthood: Arnett’s theory of “emerging adulthood” (late teens through the 20s) as a unique life stage filled with continuous transitions, instability, and identity exploration.
• Rapid Personal Shifts: The sense that “every six months of my 20s I’m like an entirely new person.” (06:25)
• Cognitive Overload: The sheer volume of concurrent changes leads to stress and makes self-initiated change feel overwhelming, even if it’s positive.

  “Even good stress is still stress. There’s an element of cognitive overload going on.” (08:15)

3. The Human Bias for Stability

• Biological Wiring: We’re hardwired (from our amygdala to our frontal lobe) to seek stability because it signals safety.
• Homeostasis: The brain and body prefer a coherent, predictable life narrative, resisting anything new as a potential threat—even if the change is beneficial.

  “Your brain doesn’t care if you’re growing. Your brain doesn't care if you’re fulfilled. It literally only cares that you are safe.” (09:30)

• Loss Aversion & Status Quo Bias:
  • Prospect Theory (Kahneman & Tversky): we overestimate what we might lose from change and underestimate what we could gain.
  • Famous studies show we stick with the default—even when the alternatives are objectively better.

  “Even if the losses and gains are equal, even if we actually have more to gain irrationally, our brain still keeps going back to what we have to lose.” (13:15)

4. The Real Cost of Staying the Same: Opportunity Cost

• Economic Principle Applied: Every time we avoid change, we incur an “opportunity cost”—the lost value of the road not taken.

  “Not making a choice is the most costly of all those choices.” (20:12)

• Compounding Regrets: Missed opportunities grow in impact over time, just like failing to invest early in life can have long-term financial consequences.

  “Investing in skills, investing in change right now is like buying a house in the 90s… in 30 years’ time… you’re going to have this whole life that’s been built upon an investment you made back then.” (21:10)

5. Why Fear of Change Is So Hard to Overcome

• Existential Roots:
  • Terror Management Theory: our fear of change connects to deeper anxieties about mortality, control, and a finite life.
  • Clinging to adequate situations is often about “managing our anxiety about our own fragility.” (17:55)
• Approach-Avoidance Conflict:
  • Getting closer to a decision ramps up both excitement and anxiety—these feelings can blur, becoming overwhelming.

  “The closer we get to making a decision or a goal, the greater our anxiety, but also the greater our excitement.” (26:50)

  • “If you didn’t care, if you didn’t fear this as much… you wouldn’t secretly kind of know that this is what you need to do.” (27:46)

6. Strategies for Embracing Change

• Reframe Your Narrative:

  • Broaden & Build Theory (Barbara Fredrickson): Actively counterbalance fear with curiosity and hope.

    “Curiosity and hope gently just let you see beyond that pinpoint or see beyond the worst-case scenario.” (30:55)

  • Make lists of not just what could go wrong, but “five ways it could go right.”
  • Visualize future stories where present decisions are successes: “I imagine telling the story of this very moment… as a success story.” (32:22)

• See Change as a Process, Not a Leap:

  • Transtheoretical Model: Change is a cyclical process with many stages—preparation, action, maintenance, setbacks.

    “Seeing changes as a process that has ambivalence, that has messiness, that has false starts and experimentation… can soften the unease.” (34:36)

• Practice Committed Action (ACT/Acceptance & Commitment Therapy):

  • Act based on your values, not fleeting emotional states.

    “Your values are telling you, I want to do this… and I have to take this step if I want to be the kind of person I’ve envisioned.” (36:20)

  • Ask: “If I told you I knew for certainty every part of your plan was going to work out… what outcome in those circumstances would you desire the most?” (37:00)

• Microdose Change:

  • Take “baby steps”—small, low-risk actions toward change.

    “Baby steps literally can’t hurt. That’s why babies do them.” (38:42)

  • You don’t have to go all-in at once; small actions count and confidence builds.

• Name Your Fears and Counter Them:

  • Get specific about what you fear (control, loneliness, failure), then list ways you’ll cope or why these outcomes may not materialize.

    “None of the advice… is wait until you’re not scared anymore. Speaking really bluntly, it’s not going to arrive. You’re always going to be scared.” (41:18)

  • “Your fear-based imaginations are not predictions.” (43:18)

7. The Permission to Be Afraid

• Jemma’s rallying point:

  “You’re allowed to be scared of change. It’s really fucking scary. You’re allowed to grieve what you might lose… But that being said, you don’t actually know. And you’re also allowed to decide that the discomfort, the terror of never trying is way worse than taking a step.” (42:59)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On the inevitability and cost of not acting:

  “Every choice you make is also a set of choices you don’t make. And not making a choice is the most costly of all of those choices.” (20:12)

• On how fear emerges at decision points:

  “The closer we get to making a decision or a goal, the greater our anxiety, but also the greater our excitement.” (26:50)

• On reframing fear as anticipation:

  “Don’t let fear convince you that anticipation and excitement are the same as anxiety and that they alone indicate that something is a bad decision.” (29:26)

• On proof versus emotion:

  “You have emotional reactions to what you think is gonna happen. You have fear. But you can’t give me any concrete evidence that if you tried that it would go terribly.” (37:15)

• On practical steps:

  “Baby steps literally can’t hurt. That’s why babies do them… They are there just to progress slowly.” (38:42)

• On permission and realism:

  “You’re allowed to be scared of change… But that being said, you don’t actually know. And you’re also allowed to decide that the discomfort, the terror of never trying is way worse than taking a step.” (42:59)

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 01:39 – Episode introduction and setting the stage: why we resist change in our 20s
• 03:45 – Story of fear and inertia (friend’s job situation)
• 06:25 – The unique instability of emerging adulthood
• 09:30 – Core biology: the brain seeks safety, not growth
• 13:15 – Loss aversion and the status quo bias
• 17:55 – Existential anxieties and clinging to the familiar
• 20:12 – Discussing opportunity cost and the price of staying the same
• 21:10 – Compounding regrets and the house-buying analogy
• 26:50 – Approach-avoidance conflict and rising anxiety at decision points
• 30:55 – Introduction to Broaden & Build Theory: using hope/curiosity to widen perspective
• 32:22 – Visualizing your present as a future success story
• 34:36 – The process of change: small steps and false starts
• 36:20 – ACT principles: values-driven action vs fleeting emotion
• 37:00 – Hypothetical certainty exercise: what would you choose if you knew it would work out?
• 38:42 – “Baby steps can't hurt”—practical examples
• 41:18 – Acknowledging fear: it will always be there
• 42:59 – Closing rally call: permission to fear and the power of trying

Tone and Language

Jemma Sbeg maintains an honest, conversational, and slightly irreverent tone throughout, blending scientific explanation with personal anecdotes and everyday language. She openly acknowledges fear and discomfort, using humor (“I have to do my humble brag every time it comes up” about her economics degree) and relatable analogies to empower listeners. Her closing words are both comforting and motivating: you’re allowed to be scared, but not trying is often the bigger regret.

Final Takeaways

• Resisting change is deeply human—our psychology is primed to seek stability and overestimate potential losses.
• The costs of staying the same (missed opportunities, compounded regret, self-betrayal) are often greater than we realize.
• To embrace change, try to reframe your mindset, take small actionable steps, and see yourself as a protagonist in your own story of growth.
• The fear never truly goes away; the courage is in acting alongside it.
• “Just because something is scary doesn’t mean it’s not the right move. In fact, sometimes that fear is a sign that it is.” (43:07)