386. 26 lessons I've learnt in 26 years

Summary

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The Psychology of Your 20s – Ep. 386: "26 Lessons I've Learnt in 26 Years"

Host: Jemma Sbeg
Date: February 19, 2026
Podcast Network: iHeartPodcasts

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Episode Overview

In this special birthday edition, host Jemma Sbeg celebrates turning 26 by reflecting on 26 (plus a bonus!) life lessons she's learned so far. Drawing from personal experiences, friendships, relationships, and moments of self-discovery, Jemma gets candid about growth, regrets, victories, and the emotional turbulence of one’s twenties. The episode balances practical advice with heartfelt storytelling, offering listeners insight and comfort as they navigate their own twenties.

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Key Lessons & Themes

1. Reframing Youth and Aging

• "Every year you will realize more and more how young you actually are." (04:16)
• Jemma debunks the fear of aging in your twenties, revealing how, as she’s grown older, she’s felt increasingly youthful and optimistic about the future.

2. On Time and Regret

• "It is impossible to waste time... Time is not something you can spoil. It’s not a bag of spinach you left in the back of the fridge." (07:05)
• She stresses that all experiences are meaningful, even those that seem like “wasted time.” Time is subjective, and regret shouldn't dominate your thinking.

3. Friendship – The Trifecta

• "Fight with your friends. Forgive your friends. Recognize that sometimes you are the asshole." (08:33)
• True friendships involve conflict and forgiveness. Jemma encourages humility and self-awareness in relationships.
• Quote: "The thing that good people do is that they admit when they were wrong." (12:02)

4. Relationships and Heartbreak

• Three key insights:
  • Don’t jump into new relationships right after a breakup.
  • Just because you think of someone doesn’t mean they’re “the one.”
  • Allow yourself to get mad after a breakup and say what you need to say.
• "If there is something you wish you'd said, or still want to say, you should say it." (16:05)

5. Spirituality and Grounding Practices

• "You need spiritual practices to make you feel nourished, whether religion or not." (22:00)
• Jemma shares how spiritual routines—however simple—help provide meaning and connection.

6. Be Kind to Small Creatures

• "When you are feeling terrible about the world, be kind to small creatures." (24:20)
• Practicing compassion towards even the smallest things affirms faith in humanity and personal goodness.

7. Nature’s Healing Power

• "If there is an opportunity to go to the beach, you should always go... the healing power of water and nature is real." (26:03)
• Jemma advocates for “thalassotherapy” (sea therapy) as a simple way to rejuvenate.

8. Work Hard for Yourself

• "Save some of that hard work for you and use it for things that feel personally meaningful." (26:54)
• Hard work isn't just for external validation; personal projects and passions matter.

9. Boundaries with Technology

• "You are always going to feel better if you don’t go on your phone first thing in the morning." (30:35)
• Jemma encourages listeners to reclaim their mornings from digital distractions.

10. Authenticity Over Imitation

• "Stop trying to be them, whoever 'them' is to you...you'll never be successful when the goal is imitation." (33:10)
• Embracing individuality and resisting the urge to compare oneself is crucial.

11. Self-Awareness in Bad Days

• Jemma humorously recounts a day full of minor setbacks:
  • "I was the bad day...Investing too much in my identity as a victim when all those things were privileges that others might envy." (36:26)

12. Health Habits

• Take medications as prescribed and just go to the dentist – “six years off led to seven fillings and $3,000 in dental work.” (37:56)

13. Responding to Unkindness

• "When somebody is mean to you or short with you, the best and only defense is to be disgustingly kind back." (39:17)
• Kindness often acts as a mirror, exposing others’ negative behaviors.

14. Setting Boundaries – It’s Okay to Say No

• "Some people just don't deserve your help." (41:07)
• Helping everyone leads to burnout—reserve energy for truly reciprocal relationships.

15. Trusting Instincts

• "Trust your gut when to say no, when not to help, when not to go to the party." (41:55)
• Honoring intuition is a vital form of self-care.

16. Healthy Habits Pay Off

• "You do actually feel better when you exercise more and drink less, which sucks. I wish it weren't true." (44:41)
• Sometimes the most basic wellness advice is the hardest to accept.

17. Financial Impulse Control

• "Wait 24 hours before making an impulse purchase... By then, I’ve usually forgotten about it." (47:13)
• Simple boundaries with spending promote emotional regulation and savings.

18. Siblings and Family

• "Talk to your siblings more. I regret not investing in that sooner." (48:45)
• Jemma laments the years missed with her sisters and now relishes a deeper connection.

19. Celebrate Yourself

• "Don't be afraid to make a big deal out of the things you’re proud of, even if no one else is going to do it for you." (50:03)

20. DIY Mentality

• "You can truly DIY your dream life, if you just commit to learning how to do things for yourself and learning how to do them badly, then a bit better, then good, then amazingly." (51:40)
• Jemma’s career and podcast are testament to the power of personal initiative.

21. Romantic Realism

• "Not every person you date is your soulmate, and that doesn’t mean the relationship wasn’t worthwhile. Date as much as possible in your 20s." (54:11)

22. Try Something Just for the Story

• "Dye your hair at least once in your life... there's just this unique beauty to looking back at those photos." (56:08)
• Taking risks, even superficial ones, creates memories and a sense of adventure.

23. You Don't Have to Suffer

• "You don’t have to suffer more than what you’ll naturally suffer just by being alive. You can opt out of the circumstances that are making you suffer and that you don’t want anymore." (58:37)
• Jemma concludes with a call to opt out of pain and stagnation, advocating for therapy, mindset shifts, and healthy boundaries.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On growing up:
  • "I was so easily influenced... there’s just something really alluring about people who seem to know themselves." (33:38)
• On privilege and perspective:
  • "All those things that I thought were the worst things to happen to me that day are just privileges. People would kill to have those inconveniences." (36:47)
• On kindness:
  • "It is genuinely one of the most powerful things we can do psychologically—to be so nice and so kind that they have to see how weird and gross their behavior is." (39:49)
• On forging your own path:
  • "I didn’t see a job for me. I didn’t see a system that I enjoyed, so I’ll just make it myself." (52:10)
• On suffering:
  • "Maybe the biggest lesson from my 26th year: I can opt out of the circumstances and patterns that are making me suffer... I want a life of ease, and that’s a massive priority change." (58:55)

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Timestamps for Key Lessons

• 04:16 – Realizing how young you actually are
• 07:05 – Impossible to waste time and the subjectivity of regret
• 08:33 – The friendship trifecta: fight, forgive, own your part
• 12:02 – Admitting when you were wrong
• 16:05 – Healthy ways to process heartbreak
• 22:00 – Importance of spiritual practice
• 24:20 – Be kind to small creatures; faith in humanity
• 26:03 – Go to the beach; healing in nature
• 26:54 – Find passion projects to work hard at
• 30:35 – Reclaiming mornings from your phone
• 33:10 – Authenticity over imitation
• 36:26 – Perspective shift: being the bad day
• 37:56 – Regular health care and dental visits
• 39:17 – Disgusting kindness as a response to unkindness
• 41:07 – Why you can’t help everybody
• 41:55 – The power and necessity of saying “no”
• 44:41 – Exercise and moderation in drinking
• 47:13 – 24-hour rule for impulse buying
• 48:45 – Strengthening sibling/family bonds
• 50:03 – Celebrating yourself loudly
• 51:40 – Building your dream life, DIY-style
• 54:11 – Romantic realism and dating in your 20s
• 56:08 – Dye your hair, take risks for the story
• 58:37 – You don’t have to suffer – making radical changes

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Episode Takeaway

Jemma wraps up this reflection with sincere gratitude for her listeners and an invitation for them to share their own lessons learned. The episode serves as a guide to embracing the messiness, self-discovery, and potential for growth inherent in your twenties—reminding us all that life is not a linear checklist, but a tapestry of lessons, some light and some hard-earned.

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“You don’t have to suffer more than life is going to make you suffer. Those are my 26, 27 lessons from 26 years. I hope they’ve taught you something, validated your experience. Be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself.”
— Jemma Sbeg (58:55)

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Transcript

[Gemma Speg]

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[Jemma Speg]

I'm Jemma Spa, the host of the

[Gemma Speg]

psychology of your 20s.

[Jemma Speg]

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[Jemma Speg]

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[Gemma Speg]

Hello everybody. I'm Gemma Spake and welcome back to

[Jemma Speg]

the psychology of your 20s, the podcast where we talk through the biggest changes, moments and transitions of our 20s and

[Gemma Speg]

what they mean for our psychology. Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back to the podcast. It is so great to have you here. Today we have a special edition episode. We have my yearly birthday episode. Last year, I think last year we spoke about birthday anxiety and the year before it was like the fear of getting older maybe. But today we're doing something more classic. And I'm going to talk about the 26 lessons I've learned from the last 26 years of life. Some of these are really practical, others are more psychological, some are really personal, some are just weird. But I went out for dinner with myself the other night and I sat down, I brought my little notebook and I just really reflected on what I've learned and it was rather emotional like it was. I did have a few tears. The waiters were looking at me weird. I also did have a few martinis. So two of those things could have contributed to each other. But this last year has just been so mind blowing. It's just been the biggest year of my life. My book came out, the podcast on Netflix, Moving to London. Those are just the headlines. And yeah, it's like kind of hard to process sometimes. And I was, I'm so grateful. And I was just really reflecting on the lessons that I've gained both in the last year but before, before any of this happened, before I was even in my 20s, when I was 17. 16. Yeah, 21 things that have stuck with me as well from, from all those experiences. And it was actually really therapeutic to just like sit down and put them on a page. So if you have a birthday coming up, I would actually really, really encourage you to do this and just to reflect on the lesson, one lesson from every year, from the past, however many years of your life. It can get pretty emotional. But I want to share them with you guys. Today. So without further ado, let's get into it. Okay, let's begin with lesson number one. Lesson number one. This is the most important one. I think every year you will realize more and more how young you actually are. I remember turning 20 and being like, it is the beginning of the end for me, which is ridiculous. It's ludicrous. Like, I'd only been an adult for like two years at that point, but it just felt like time was already starting to crush me and move very fast. And, you know, then 21 came around. I felt the same way then 22, 23, and I felt a little bit less. And it's become a little bit less intense. It was definitely still there last year. But now at 26, I feel so young. I feel my age and I feel my youth so clearly. And I also know, I just guess based on experience, that it just keeps getting better and it keeps getting different. I've also stopped joking with my friends that I'm still 22. I used to do that and I

[Jemma Speg]

was like, you know what?

[Gemma Speg]

No, I'm excited about aging. You know, that term youth is wasted on the young. I think that's what they're referring to here. Like, honestly, when you're young, you obsess over not being the age you were the year before. And we obsess over getting older. Not realizing how much time we're wasting in the prime of our lives thinking about aging, we think 30 years old and we think 50 or 60 years old when those are prime years. Like, we've got so much to look forward to. And that has been a huge Blessing from my 26th year. Like, I feel my age and my age is young. Whatever my fears and whatever the fear mongering of society wants to tell me that I am, I'm like, seconds from death is like, ridiculous. And I think that's been a very important lesson. Secondly, it is impossible to waste time. I don't know where this idea came from of like, I'm wasting my twenties, I'm wasting my time. It's like disappearing from right underneath me. Let's be clear here. Time is not something you can spoil. It's not something you can misuse. Like, it's not a bag of spinach that you left in the back of the fridge. As long as you are having an experience, every moment is contributing, fitting to your story. Even the time that you spent waiting and the time that you feel like life isn't moving fast enough. Time is a human construct. We have to remember there are days that feel like years. And there are years that feel like days and days where life is completely going to change all at once and it's just going to feel like everything has just happened in that moment. And I used to get so panicked that I wasn't allocating my time well enough. And obviously a big part of that was like a deep fear of regret as well, that I was missing out. But now I know that as long as I'm doing something, anything with my life, even if other people don't understand it or see the meaning in it, time is being well spent. And those experiences in themselves, even if they not they are not exactly the ones I want to be having, they are really, really valuable. Okay, let's do a little trifecta of lessons here. A three for one deal. Fight with your friends. Forgive your friends. Recognize that sometimes you are the asshole. Let's start with number one, fight with your friends. I said this in our Is friendship meant to be inconvenient episode? But you deserve friends who are willing to fight with you and to really, like, get it all out in the open with you. Friends are people that you have no reason to fight with. Good friends are those you want to avoid fighting with. Best friends, great friends are those that you will go toe to toe with. That is how you know that they're on that next level. Conflict is uncomfortable. It's not as uncomfortable as losing somebody and not being able to have them in your life in the future. Part of that is also, number two, forgive your friends. Right. Obviously there is a level. Well, you probably can't, but I lost a lot of friends in my early twenties over stupid mistakes that I couldn't forgive people for. And I would have made those same mistakes as well. And I regret it all the time. I wish I'd had the foresight to realize, like, wow, that was really small and minuscule and those problems, like, that's nothing. But the damage had already been done. Yeah, by them, but also by me because I couldn't forgive and I didn't feel like I could go back and say, hey, maybe I was wrong because I was so like, headstrong in my judgments. Now I definitely have a much more. A broader forgiveness policy, which is sometimes less than healthy. I feel like sometimes I do let people get away with things, but I. I just like to see the good in people and I think that's important. Most people aren't malicious. Most people are just careless and a lot of their actions are forgivable. If you remove your ego from it and see That I don't know. I guess not everything is about you. Okay, number four, Sometimes you are the asshole. Recognize that you are the asshole. And you have to stop looking for reassurance and stop telling the story 30, 40, 50 different ways so that it makes you seem like you weren't the villain and that you were the good guy. And spinning the situation so that you can feel in the clear you weren't the good guy. You know you weren't the good guy. The next best thing you can do is to admit you you screwed up and be better. I feel like there is so much ego protection going on in these situations where all we want to do is survive with our identity intact and we want to survive feeling like we are a good person. And the thing that good people do is that they admit when they were wrong. And they aren't just aware that other people make mistakes, they're aware that they make mistakes as well. And that's just a part of life. And holding it against yourself too tightly and too strongly actually means that you can never admit it. You can never admit that you have done something wrong because that in itself

[Jemma Speg]

would injure your ego and injure your

[Gemma Speg]

self esteem so gravely that it's easier just to pretend and to convince yourself that you're always in the right and you're not.

[Jemma Speg]

Sometimes you're in the wrong.

[Gemma Speg]

And life gets a lot easier when you are able to admit that, especially in friendships, especially in relationships in general. Okay, I kind of like this trifecta thing. So speaking of relationships, let's do one more like three for one deal. I have one specific relationship that there was one specific relationship in my twenties that informed so many of the lessons that I have on love. So I'm gonna thank him and say sincerely, I hope, I hope you're doing well. But these tips all came from this, and I think they're so valuable. Don't get into a relationship right after a breakup. Just because you're thinking about someone doesn't mean they're the one. And allow yourself to get mad at the people who break your heart and equally stand up for yourself when you're not being treated right. So I want to start with this first one. Don't get into a relationship straight after a breakup. I feel like a lot of you guys can relate. Everybody has to make this mistake at some point. I think it is in many ways a little bit of a rite of passage. But I did this and I remember being like, oh no, I'm totally healed. I'm totally fine. I'M totally ready for this. And that's just absolute nonsense. Like, I had not processed a single thing. And getting into a new relationship was just an excellent form of avoidance. That looked like the opposite. Like, it looked like moving on because it was the thing that was the most obvious form of moving on. But I was just finding myself in the same conditions and the same. Yeah, the same conditions of feeling cared for this guy. I don't think he really cared for me, but feeling affection and thinking that that was like, going to make my life better. The thing is, is that you will have all this unresolved stuff that is going to come out in that relationship that is going to just mean that by the end of it, you're processing two heartbreaks on top of each other because you've never processed the one before. When this relationship inevitably ends, everything comes to the surface. Everything from both those situations becomes just, like, so apparent. And it's gonna hurt. I say it's a lesson. Would I do it again? I would. I do think that it was really valuable and it was very valuable in getting me to where I am now. Both of those, both of those breakups are a big part of, like, the history of the psychology of your 20s. That second part of that trifecta. Just because you're thinking about somebody doesn't mean they're the one. I feel like there were so many times where I would have a dream about somebody I used to be with, or their name or the thought of them would pop into my head and I would read so heavily into it that it would dictate my behavior and understanding the psychology now that I didn't back then. I know that it's just my brain. And that was my brain trying to figure out where to put those memories and trying to figure out where to place that person. Back then, I thought every dream, every thought, every thing that reminded me of somebody was a sign that this was destiny and we were meant to be together. Now I just realize it's just a coincidence. So if you're having those thoughts right now of like, oh, my God, maybe they were the one, you think about a million different things every single day. This is just another one of those thoughts. It's your choice whether you read into it or whether you move past it. And my final point in this trifecta of, like, semi relationship advice. And to be honest, I don't know if it's good, but it's just the lessons I've learned. Allow yourself to get mad after a breakup and allow yourself to really say what you need to say to stand up for yourself. I was having this conversation with my friend the other day who's recently ended a relationship or somebody has ended a relationship with her in a very unfair and cruel fashion. And she was like, do I say something? Do I reach out to him? And I said to her, and I'm being totally honest, if there is something that you wish you had said or still want to say, you should say it and you should allow yourself to get angry. Because a lesson I have learned from having done that and not having done that in certain, certain situations is that when there are things left unsaid, whether those are good or bad, you're always going to come back to it and linger on it. So if there is something like really heavy on your heart and somebody has really hurt you, it's they're allowed to feel that pain. You don't have to be the only one who carries what you've, what you've experienced. And if there is an opportunity for that kind of closure, I don't know if it's the healthiest thing in the world. I still think that you should take it because I think there is some healing and just saying your piece about how somebody has hurt you.

[Jemma Speg]

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[Gemma Speg]

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[Gemma Speg]

Psychology of your 20s.

[Jemma Speg]

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[Gemma Speg]

Was this before he wrote his stories? It must have been.

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[Gemma Speg]

What?

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[Gemma Speg]

Okay, I don't think that's true.

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[Jemma Speg]

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[Gemma Speg]

me and it has been something I

[Jemma Speg]

have come back to time and time again.

[Gemma Speg]

I have searched everywhere, every single secondhand

[Jemma Speg]

store until finally I found it in my size on ebay. It's about the thrill of finding pieces just like that.

[Gemma Speg]

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[Jemma Speg]

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[Gemma Speg]

I feel like we need a lighthearted one after that. I feel like that was very, very intense. So number nine, practice some magic and don't neglect your spiritual practices. Long term listeners know that I had some really, let's say, intense experiences with the church in my teen years. I used to be very religious, used to be a big fan of Jesus, but. But after like some kind of poor encounters with some people, I kind of dropped away and lost belief. And that actually created a lot of emptiness. I think as humans it's important we believe in something. And after 26 years, I feel like I now know that having spiritual practices and having a spiritual routine is just as important to me as having an exercise routine or having a budgeting routine or a social life. Without it, I slip, I slip fast. So I really think that it's important that whether you are part of a religion or you're not, whether you're spiritual or not, you do have some kind of practices that unite you to something bigger and unite you to others and allow you to see the thread that pulls those experiences together. Some of the things that I do is I still sing worship songs sometimes. Like I just, I like to sing. And honestly, worship music is amazing. Don't obviously believe everything that they're talking about, but it's amazing. And I think that having that like musical connection is important. I also like to practice picking one person who has annoyed me or frustrated me like once a week. And I like to think as many good things about that person as possible and wish like everything good comes true for them. And I like to imagine like a bubble coming out of me and surrounding them with positivity. I don't know. That's a really spiritual practice for me that keeps me grounded. Something my church did as well that I still do even though I don't believe in those. Believe in it anymore. Is when you get paid before you spend, you have to give back to others first. Or when you get served, you have to give the first piece of meat to somebody else first. I know, like in the Mormon church, for example, they encourage people to give 10% of their earnings. Some pagan traditions also have a similar thing of like, serving others first or giving to others before you give to yourself. That's important for me, especially given the state of the world right now and just having a good gratitude Practice is so essential. Like, hold tight to that stuff. That's a big lesson. You need it. You need spiritual practices to make you feel nourished. Similar to this, when you are feeling terrible about the world, be kind to small creatures. This is such an important lesson. Again, with the state of the world right now, it's very easy to feel very despondent. Duh. It's very easy to feel terrible about the world. I like to imagine that humanity is this big experiment and there is this higher power who is judging our experiment on whether it was good or bad and whether humanity is succeeding or failing. And it's my job every single day to do something that proves the experiment is working and to do something that proves the hypothesis that humanity is good. And there is a. And this is gonna sound a bit. A bit weird, but I imagine that there is this, like, tiny telescope or like, microscope on me, and they are watching me positively interact, or watching people positively interact with each other and checking it down as evidence that people are good and taking care of small creatures, honoring their lives, appreciating them, is a way that I do that, like, life is hard for little things, life is hard for small creatures. And sometimes knowing that, like, you know, not just killing the ants that are in my house or not just killing the fly that's in my car or stopping for birds or saving a pigeon or something like that, knowing that, like, I have kindness for them makes me feel like a higher power will have kindness for me. And I don't know, it just. It makes me feel connected to what's around me. That's an important lesson. Lesson number 11, if there is an opportunity to go to the beach, you should always go. The older you get, the more you realize the healing power of water and the healing power of nature. It's called thalassa therapy. I'm a big proponent, and I'm gonna say nothing more about that lesson. I feel like that one's pretty obvious. Lesson number 12. Work hard at something, even if it feels meaningless, whatever it is. Typically, I feel like we save all of our hard work for others. I honestly think we save all of our hard work for our boss, for our parents, for our co workers, for people we want to impress. Save some of that hard work for you and use it for things that feel personally meaningful. There is so much good that comes from working hard, even if at the time it seems like there's no point or like nothing is going to come from it. Working hard on a novel no one's going to read. Working hard on improving your running even though you're never going to be a professional. Working hard on perfecting a recipe just for yourself or whatever it is. So much personal reward for me has come from the joy I've just found from working hard for things that I care about and at the time were just fun. But you never know where it's going to take you. This podcast is a great example. Like, I didn't know this was going to happen. I just liked working hard at it. And I just have a deep belief that the universe or the forces that be reward hard work and like to see passion. And so when it sees somebody working hard, proving that they will work hard in the future for no reward, just for joy and personal pursuit and personal passion, good things come to those people because of those practices. Practices. It is a reward in itself to care. But I also feel like when you put yourself in the place where you do care, people like to see other people who care and they like to see people who are passionate about something. And you'll find that opportunities come so much more naturally to you. People rally around you when. Yeah, when there's something bigger than you that you're invested in and that you're willing to work hard for. So if there's not something in your life right now that you are working hard for, even if it's only working hard for 20 minutes a week, I really think your life would benefit from finding something that you want to give that time to. Okay, number 13, lesson 13. This is a lesson that I didn't want to. I was hesitant to learn, but it was too obvious to ignore. You are always going to feel better if you don't go on your phone first thing in the morning. Why did this take me so long to learn? I don't know. Obviously our phones are addictive. That feels like a cop out. That feels like an excuse. There's all this buzz around, like going analog and the digital detox and being social media free and offline activities and having like really tried to be in that space. It is really incredible. But if that feels too big, I feel like this is the simplest thing. You know, I tried to do the flip phone on weekends. I tried to give myself social media boundari. It worked for a while. I think I went too big with it. This is a great starting point. Just not going on your phone first thing in the morning will change the course of your entire day. Because the moment you put that phone in front of your face, it's like you immediately, like, sucked into someone else's world. You're immediately, I guess, a little bit brain dead, to be honest. And I'm saying this as somebody who still does it occasionally. It's like if that's the first thing you look at, how you expected to then go forward with the rest of your day. Being curious or being entertained by the smaller things or noticing things when it's like. It's like you're hooked up to this ivy drip of entertainment. So give yourself at least 20, 30 minutes to just experience being alive without a phone and without this thing that contains the entire world inside of it. Yeah. At least first thing in the morning. I think you will notice a difference. I definitely did. Okay, so lesson number 14, another really important one, but a little bit more serious. Stop trying to be them, whoever them is to you. It doesn't matter whether it's a celebrity, a friend, a nemesis, a parent. Like, you'll never be successful when the goal is imitation. And you will drive yourself mad trying to correct and police and mold yourself into an identity that doesn't come naturally because it's not yours. I did this for ages. I was so easily influenced because I. I guess there's just something really alluring about people who seem to know themselves and who have an identity or who have. Have a brand, who have a distinct thing to them that's attractive. When I didn't have that, guess what? By trying to imitate them, by trying to be them, I actually knew myself less because I would constantly compare the beginning of my own new self and my own identity to their complete one. Guys, it's so cliche, I know, but I fully believe, I fully believe there is a unique version of us. We are all here to be a unique avatar, and we are all meant to be individual and we're meant to grow in a specific way, and we are meant to exist in a specific form and live a specific life. And imitation is one of the main things that's gonna block us and that's gonna stop us from living out our mission and living out our identity and living out our role in the world. And I know this episode is getting so woo woo, but just notice it in yourself. There is. There is an identity. There is a version of you that you're. You just feel constantly drawn to and drawn back to and drawn into. And it's like such a powerful force. Stop trying to suppress that. Stop putting imitation in between you and that version of you, that new version of you. Okay, lesson number 15. Sometimes you are the bad day and you need to call yourself on it. This is probably the most recent lesson on the list. Probably a lesson I only learned a couple of weeks ago, if I'm being completely honest. The other day, I just had. I just had this terrible day the other day and my boyfriend was snoring. I love him, but I don't know what. He, like, turned 27 and suddenly, like, nasal congestion is his middle name. I love you, Tom, but hopefully he doesn't hear that. But he was snor. And so I had a really bad night's sleep and then I went to, like, transfer money onto my UK card and it wasn't working. And then I went and got a bagel at the, like, the corner store and my bagel, like, fell apart on the street and this, like, little dog came up and, like, ate tuna from my tuna bagel, like, from where it was on the floor. And then I went to meet my friend. I was running late and I couldn't get a line bike. And then when I got a line bike, it was broken. And I was like, this day just sucks. And I was in such a terrible mood and I was so angry and I was like, what did I do to deserve this? Like, this is just such a terrible day. And then I was like, yeah, but I'm being the bad day. Like, all those things are annoying, but what's really the problem here? Oh, like, how terrible. The man that I love, who loves me, who is, like the most glorious, beautiful person I've ever met. Like, he snores and that disturbs my sleep. And like, oh, I have enough money in my bank account to transfer it onto my British card because I had enough privilege to move overseas. And all the bagel that I could afford getting it takeaway rather than having to make it at home, fell on the street and I got to meet a dog who was eating my bagel. And like, oh, my friends, I've my friend who has made plans with me. I'm late to. And like, woe is me. And I was just like, I'm the bad day right now. Like, I'm Reading way too much into this, and I am investing too much in my identity here as a victim, when actually, like, all of those things that I've experienced that I thought were like, the worst things that were going to happen to me that day are just like privileges and are just wonderful things that I don't know, people would kill to have those inconveniences. So just recognize when you're ruining your own day and just try and pull yourself out of it. Number 16, another quick one. Take your medications regularly and is scheduled. And that goes for antibiotics, antidepressants, Panadol, pain relief, anything prescribed to you by a doctor. Listen to them. And bonus. 16.2. Just go to the dentist. Go to the dentist. You know you need to. I put off going to the dentist for six years, and I'm ashamed to admit that, but it's because the last time I went, it really hurt and I was really scared. And guess what? Guess where that got me when I went last year. Seven fillings, $3,000 worth of dental work that could have been avoided if I just went more regularly. The older you get, the more you stop taking your health for granted and the more you realize that there are people who train for many, many years to be experts in this and to know what they're doing. Listen to them and take care of yourself. Take your meds as scheduled. Go to the dentist. 17. When somebody is mean to you or short with you, the best defense, and the only defense that will work in your favor is to be disgustingly kind back. And I learned this through trial and error. But when people were, like, used to be mean to me, or, you know, when people make those slight jabs like they're trying to get under your skin and they think you don't notice and they're trying to, like, bring you down a peg. I used to get quite. I wouldn't say mad, but I would just. I would have a certain reaction. Like, I would either avoid them or like, I would try and be smart back or I would, like, try and make other people realize what kind of person they were. And then I just realized the best thing that you can do. And I talked about this in our episode on how to not take things personally, is just to be so nice and so kind and so generous and so. And so forgiving with them that they have, like, no choice but just to have this mirror placed in front of them that makes them directly see how weird and gross and terrible their behavior is. This doesn't mean permissive. I don't mean you have to continue to let them in your life and continue to let them walk all over you and continue to give in to them. Be kind, be nice. Still set boundaries, but it is genuinely like one of the most powerful things that we can do psychologically to just cut. Cut someone's cruelty off and to just essentially stop them from. Yeah. Thinking that they can treat you that way and thinking that their behavior isn't a problem. Number 18, you don't need to help everybody. I know that, like, a lot of these tips have been like, be kind, be generous, be nice. Forgive me, be a good friend, somebody. Some people just don't deserve that. Some people just don't deserve your help. And part of being a good friend, part of being a good member of the village, member of the tribe, the community that you're in, is knowing that you can't give everybody everything that you have. And one of the most generous things that you can do is to take care of yourself first so that you can show up for the people who really deserve you rather than doing favors for everybody. You know, putting yourself out there for everybody, saying yes to everybody to the point of exhaustion. And when the time really comes to be there for those who would do the same things back for you, being so burnt out that you're not able to do that. And I feel like this is a very specific lesson that you learn in specific circumstances, especially if you are very hyper independent, especially if you are an eldest daughter or an eldest daughter high achiever type. Eventually you learn that there are some people who just don't need your help, not because they don't deserve help from anybody, but because you and your energy and your time is a precious resource. Similar to this is lesson number 19. Trust your gut. When to say no, when to not go to the party, when to not help your friend with some crazy idea they have. Obviously, like, like, you want to be a good friend and you want to give back, but there are just some things where you're allowed to just be like, I don't have time for that. And especially when it's for people who would never do the same thing for you in return and who you resent constantly for not returning the favor. That is a sign that, like, they're taking advantage and it's okay to just. It's okay to just take a step back and to not. Not give them everything you've got and to say no.

[Jemma Speg]

I'm Jemma Speg, the host of the

[Gemma Speg]

psychology of your 20s.

[Jemma Speg]

Have you ever been at the pharmacy

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[Roald Dahl Podcast Host]

You know Roald Dahl, the writer who thought up Willy Wonka, Matilda, and the bfg. But did you know he was also a spy?

[Gemma Speg]

Was this before he wrote his stories? It must have been.

[Roald Dahl Podcast Host]

Our new podcast series, the Secret World of Roald Dahl is a wild journey through the hidden chapters of his extraordinary, controversial life. His job was literally to seduce the wives of powerful Americans.

[Jemma Speg]

What?

[Roald Dahl Podcast Host]

And he was really good at it. You probably won't believe it either.

[Gemma Speg]

Okay, I don't think that's true.

[Roald Dahl Podcast Host]

I'm telling you, the guy was a spy. Did you know Dahl got cozy with the Roosevelts, played poker with Harry Truman, and had a long affair with a congressman? And then he took his talents to Hollywood, where he worked alongside Walt Disney and Alfred Hitchcock before writing a hit James Bond film. How did this secret agent wind up as the most successful children's author ever? And what darkness from his covert past seeped into the stories we read as kids? The true story is stranger than anything he ever wrote. Listen to the Secret World of Roald Dahl on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Emily and Shane Simpson]

Hey, everyone, it's Emily Simpson and Shane Simpson from the Legally Brunette podcast.

[Roald Dahl Podcast Host]

Each week we're bringing you true crime through a legal lens.

[Emily and Shane Simpson]

Whether you want all the facts on the disappearance of Nancy Guthrie or you still need to wrap your head around the Diddy verdict, we're breaking it all down step by step.

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And we're not just lawyers. We're also husband and wife. It makes for some pretty entertaining episodes.

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Listen to Legally brunette on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.

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Before all of the algorithm fed bala and the endless sea of Dupes. Shopping used to feel fun. But here's a confession, Podlings. You can find that fun feeling again on ebay. Because on ebay it's not just shopping, it's a full on fashion pursuit. And when you find the thing that adrenaline hit is real. I recently found a dress I had been looking for since I was 19. I saw it on a TV show and I swear it called out to me.

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And it has been something I have

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[Anna Sinfield]

Hello, it's me, Anna Sinfield from the Girlfriends, the number one hit true crime show that puts women right in the center of their own stories. I'm back with more one off interviews with some truly kick ass women on the Girlfriends Spotlight. I want to introduce you to Sylvia.

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I'm going to climb this.

[Anna Sinfield]

And then there's Fusaka.

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Let's see how we can stop killing and save lives.

[Anna Sinfield]

Leila dared to ask the question, is badness hereditary? And finally we'll meet Rosamund.

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If it wasn't for the air where

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You'll even get to meet my mum in that one, who I can always count on to keep my feet on the ground.

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I'm not too intimidated by her.

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What are you talking about? Listen to the girlfriend Spotlight on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.

[Gemma Speg]

Lesson number 20. You do actually feel better when you exercise more and drink less, which sucks. See, I like alcohol. I like, I like alcohol. I do, I like alcohol. I also, I like, I like exercising, but I wish I didn't have to do them as much as I do or I wish, I wish that like I could go to the gym like once a week and drink every night and feel amazing and it's just not how your body is right? When I was definitely when I was younger, when I was like 17, 18, 19 and I was at university, I would like, we would, we were like binge drinking, we were like drinking every single night and nobody was blinking an eye and we would like go on like one 5k run or like, like play some like frisbee once a week and I remember being like, oh, why do I feel so tired? And like, why am I exhausted all the time? And why do I feel disgusting? And then slowly, like, as those habits became more and more difficult to maintain and more and more repulsive and you start adding some exercise back in and you start realizing that drinking every drinking on a Monday with your powers is probably not healthy. I was like, wow, I actually feel better. And, and my habits too are a reflection of like, the quality of life that I want and how I want to live my life. So that's definitely been an important lesson. One that I wish wasn't true, but unfortunately is, you do feel a lot better to go in a completely different direction here. Lesson 21, wait 24 hours before making an impulse purchase. I feel like these are all tips of just like learning impulse control and learning what it means to be healthy, financially, emotionally, physically. I had a real impulse shopping problem when I was probably like 22, 23, in my like early 20s when I first got like a proper job. And I would just buy the most ridiculous stuff because I would see it, think I needed it, and because I now had access to adult money, I could just buy it and genuinely, like, I think about how much money I wasted on multiple pairs of black jeans or just like silly things that nobody needs now. This was the best thing I did. For all the impulse shopping tips that you may get for all the budgeting tips. If there is something I want and

[Jemma Speg]

I feel like I immediately need it,

[Gemma Speg]

24 hours, 24 hours before I can make the decision. And I think I've spoken about this before. I have a list of my phone. Often by the time I get to that 24 hour mark, I've forgotten about it and like the haze of like the emotional pull of, of dopamine of buying something and getting it delivered, and that kind of fades a little bit and I can kind of self regulate. I also feel like impulse dropping, drinking, saying yes to everybody. Those last three tips, often those are forms of avoidance. I've definitely found that. And so learning how to regulate your emotions without those things, the older you get, the more important that becomes. Lesson 22, talk to your siblings more. Honestly, I, I found that because me and my sisters had such an age difference and because I moved out when they were so young, like I think they were like 12 and 10, like they were still children. I don't even have like memories from when I was 10. I just didn't form the relationship with them that they form with each other. And I was very, very Jealous of that for a long time. And it definitely was reflected in like my relationship with them where I would. I just felt very left out and that felt weak because I was the older. I was the older sibling. Like I meant to be the cool one and I would go back and they wouldn't really want anything to do with me. And for a couple of years I was like, well, fine, I'm just gonna hang out with my friends. And I didn't really have a relationship with my sisters. And then I think last year I really started seeing them more and I started realizing what an important relationship, the sibling relationship is and how they are just like an inbuilt, amazing, cool best friend and just the. You just relate to them on such a beautiful, simplistic, carefree level. And I think I started to really appreciate like my sister's personalities and all the things about them that are so cool and that I love. And now I talk to them all the time. And that has been a huge, huge blessing for me and like just a huge, a huge gain in the past year. So if I was to go back three years, I'd be like, freaking call them, call them on the weekends, like, text them, have a relationship. I regret not investing in that sooner. And I feel like I missed a lot of their teen years trying to figure out throughout my late teen years and my early 20s and being really selfish with it. And now I feel like I've orbited back around right as they are orbiting out. And I just hope that our relationship stays strong within that because it is just such a beautiful, one of a kind, special relationship. Lesson 23. Celebrate yourself. Don't be afraid to make a big deal out of the things that you're proud of, even if nobody else is going to do it for you. Throw the birthday party for yourself. Organize the dinner with your friends for your job promotion. Make a big deal out of what feels like a big deal for you. Think of my children. We're so used to our parents being so in our business or like our school or whatever it is, like a mentor, aunts, grandparents, celebrating us. And then you get older and you realize, like, sometimes you've got to do that for yourself. And people want an excuse to party. People want an excuse to be excited for you. I would always feel a little bit cringe being like, oh, I'm going to plan like a birthday party. Or like I'm going to plan like I want to celebrate this. And I. And now I don't feel any shame about it. And having that space to invite people into my memories and knowing that I'm going to look back at those really cool things and they're going to be in those memories with me. That is so important and that is so valuable. And I just feel like celebrating yourself. We don't do it enough and we don't make a big deal out of. Of what a pleasure and a surprise and a beautiful thing it is to be alive. And the fact that we work really hard and we do really cool things, things that younger you could not have imagined you doing. You are allowed to just be your biggest fan and your biggest cheerleader and make the space for other people to enter into that with you if they want to. And if they don't, that's okay. You get more cake, you get more champagne, you get more flowers. Make sure you make make your big moments big for yourself. Lesson 24. You can truly DIY your dream life. If you just commit to learning how to do things for yourself and learning how to do them badly, then a bit better than good, then amazingly. This is like the hack, this is the life hack that everybody needs to know if you want to do something. Oh my God, this sounds stupid now that I'm saying it, but if you want to do something, you should just do it and you should just do it. Do it as simply and easily as you can possibly do at that point and then get better. Everybody I know who was really successful and who I really admire and who I now get to call my friends just went into it with this, like, do it myself attitude of being like, nobody's going to hand this to me. Nobody's going to give me the keys to the life I want. Nobody's going to build the home I want for myself or the career I want for myself. I have to do it myself. And I have to, like, be in those meetings and I have to be in those emails, cold emailing somebody to see if they have an opportunity for me. And I need to be creating my own product, creating my own business, creating my own podcast. And the universe will reward that. And I think it's similar to that previous tip of like, do things just for the sake of it. Experience hard effort just because hard effort, effort is enjoyable for you when you're doing something you care about. This is very similar to this. When you truly realize that you can DIY do it yourself, make it from scratch, your dream life in the most rudimentary way possible, in whatever, using whatever tools you have possible, your life seriously changes. And I, I don't like bragging But I do feel like there's points in my. Like, my life is kind of evidence of that where, I don't know, I just didn't see a job for me. I didn't see a system that I enjoyed. And I was like, okay, well, I'll just make it myself. And if it works out, great, amazing. Obviously, that's what I want. And if it doesn't, at least I can say that I did it. At least I know that the opportunity wasn't out there waiting for me to arrive, waiting for me to get to the point where I was ready. Lesson 25. I actually think this one should have been before, but I'm sneaking it in at the end. And 25, not every person you date is your soulmate, and it doesn't mean the relationship wasn't worthwhile. Additionally, when you are in your 20s, date as much as possible. I feel like I've learned this both through myself and through other people I've seen who have dated one person and been like, okay, cool, that seems like good enough. And then seven, eight years later been like, oh, my God. I actually never got to experience what else was out there. And I know not everybody agrees with this and people have different, you know, perspectives on it, but as much as my heart was broken many times, and I was literally reflecting on this the other day, like, all these guys I completely forgot about, and it's much as, like, it really hurt to be hurt by them and to be rejected by them. I'm so glad I did it. And they all taught me important lessons. And every single relationship that I've had, even the ones that were a disaster, have been worthwhile because they brought me experiences that I otherwise would have had a lot of what ifs swirling around. I know. Again, I feel weird saying this because I know people might take it the wrong way of, like, just date for the sake of dating and, like, use other people for experience. No, I'm just saying put yourself out there and even if you're not entirely sure if this person is or isn't the one, give them a chance. Have fun. Experience each other. Experience life together, even if that's for two weeks, two years, 20 years. And take the experiences you can get from really caring about somebody else, really having important memories with them, even if you know it's not going to be forever. I have two final lessons, a silly one and a serious one. Start with the silly one. Dye your hair at least once in your life. Try a weird hairstyle, even if you think slash, know that it's going to be ugly. I cannot recommend this enough. I have dyed my hair black. That was a terrible decision. I have dyed my, I've bleached my hair more times than I can think of and it was often related to how I was emotionally doing at that point. But like I have just done the craziest, stupidest things to my hair. And I think, I don't know, I think it's fun and I, I think it's like a broader metaphor for like just being willing to try anything once in life and just to give it, just to give it a go. It's a great reflection of that. And I think if you haven't done it, you've got to do it. And when I did it last, I haven't dyed my hair for a while, but I dyed my hair black in like 20, 23 and blonde. It a was terrible decision. I really look terrible. Like I, I'm glad nobody said something, but I really slash. I'm not glad. I, I'm still on the fence as to whether somebody should have pulled me aside and be like, this is not the color for you, but there's just like this unique beauty and like this unique feeling of, of looking back at those photos and being like, God, that was a terrible hair color. God, that was like an awful style. But I'm so glad, I'm so glad that I did it. I'm so glad that like I gave it a shot and now when I have kids, hopefully I can be like, yeah, that was the, that was the year of this. So that was the year of that. And it just feels like hairstyle and that expression and doing everything once is really tied to a good story and it's tied to having good memories and having that kind of free fall openness to life that feels more and more worthwhile every single year. So I'm realizing that I'm actually going to finish on lesson 27, which is one more than I promised you. But I think this is my hopeful takeaway from next year and the thing I'm currently learning, which is you don't have to suffer. And I know that that's really, it's very serious compared to our last, last lesson. But I think I just spent way too long thinking that how my brain was and how my life was was something I couldn't change. And the things I kept doing that were honestly self sabotaging and that were causing me more pain than they should have and that were making me unhealthy and unhappy. Like I felt so imprisoned by them them. Because that's how I'd always done things. And I'm just realizing more and more like my life doesn't have to be bad. I don't have to suffer more than what I'm already going to naturally suffer just by being alive. And I have a choice in a lot of that. I have a choice to go to therapy, I have a choice to get on medication. I have a choice to change my mindset, to have healthier habits. I have a choice to prioritize and deprioritize relationships and certain things in my life that are making my life harder. And I just felt for so long like everything was just being handed to me and I had to accept it. And maybe the biggest lesson from my 26th year and hopefully again my 27th year, is that that is not true. And I can opt out of the circumstances and the things and the patterns of behavior that are making me suffer and that I don't want anymore. And it's hard and it's difficult and I definitely make a lot of excuses. But I'm at this point where I'm like, I want to live a life of ease and I want to live a life of being as carefree and stress free as possible, not as busy and successful and brash and loud as possible. And I just think that's been a huge, massive priority change. And maybe that's a lesson that you're learning as well, or that's a lesson that you need to hear. You don't have to suffer. You don't have to suffer more than life is going to make you suffer. Those are my 26, 27 lessons from 26 years. I hope that they, I don't know, taught you something that you've related to them. Maybe it's validated an experience that you're having. If you are listening on Spotify and you have made it this far, I want to know, give me a lesson that you have learned in the past year, past six months, that wasn't on this list that you think other people could learn from. I feel like every year there's this new knowledge popping into my mind and I've definitely forgotten things that were important lessons. But I'd love to, love to hear from you guys and I'd love to hear your experience. Make sure that you are subscribed following wherever you are listening. If you are in the US or Canada, you can listen to this episode on Netflix. Actually, should I say you can watch this episode on Netflix. I'm so used to saying listen but you can watch on Netflix and I would love it if you did. So make sure that you are as well following us on Instagram. And thank you for listening to this episode and for being a massive part of the last five years of my life. Almost all of my 20s. I don't know, I'm getting closer to 30. I have to decide if I'm going to do the psychology of your 30s or what's going to happen. So I guess time will tell. But be safe, be kind, be gentle to yourself. We will talk very, very soon. This is an Iheart podcast. Guaranteed human.