The Psychology Podcast (iHeartPodcasts)

Episode Summary: "Dealing with Feelings" with Dr. Marc Brackett

Release Date: August 28, 2025
Host: Scott Barry Kaufman
Guest: Dr. Marc Brackett (Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, Author of "Dealing with Feeling")

Episode Overview

In this insightful conversation, Scott Barry Kaufman welcomes Dr. Marc Brackett to break down the mysteries, challenges, and solutions in how we deal with feelings. Dr. Brackett, a respected scientist and educator, draws upon his research and new book to offer practical wisdom for both individuals and relationships, highlighting the skills necessary for effective emotion regulation—a core aspect of human flourishing. The discussion spans personal anecdotes, cultural influences, teaching strategies, and tools for empowering both children and adults to build more emotionally intelligent lives.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Challenge of Emotional Regulation

• Emotional regulation is not intuitive: It requires conscious effort and learned skills, not just innate talent. (06:13)
• Avoidance behaviors (yelling, ignoring, denial, drinking) are easier than adaptive emotion regulation, which often requires more cognitive and emotional effort. (03:38, 07:37)
• Dr. Brackett emphasizes: "None of us is born with a toolbox to regulate our emotions. Everything is learned." (18:31)

2. Definition and Components of Emotion Regulation

• Dr. Brackett offers his formula:

  "Emotion regulation is the thoughts and actions that we use to prevent, reduce, initiate, maintain or enhance emotions for a purpose—to have well being, to make good decisions, to have and maintain healthy relationships and achieve goals." (08:46)

• Flexibility is paramount: The most skillful regulation adapts to context, emotion, and personal traits. (08:42)

3. The Importance of Identity and Mindset

• Developing an identity as someone skilled in handling emotions fundamentally changes how individuals interact with the world and others.
• Dr. Brackett imagines:

  "What about if the best versions of ourselves were people who are highly skilled at emotion regulation? What would be different in the world around us? ... I think a lot would be different." (09:43)

4. Co-Regulation: Emotions as a Relational Process

• "Emotions, for the most part, are co-regulated." (11:00)
• Early co-regulation (parent soothing a baby) sets the stage for adult relationships, where presence, empathy, and support are vital.
• The mere presence of another person can be a "deactivator" of distress. (27:41)
• Only one third of people, per Brackett’s research, report having a nonjudgmental, empathetic feelings mentor during childhood. (29:10)

5. Best Self & Grace

• The importance of aligning responses and regulation efforts with one’s “best self.”
• Scott notes, "That was my favorite chapter, was the best self chapter. Was my response true to my best self?" (48:36)
• Dr. Brackett reframes self-compassion as self-grace:

  "We have to have forgiveness and grace. Like, we are imperfect people. We're going to get triggered." (15:09)

• Grace is the ability to pause before responding in ways we might regret.

6. Learned Skills—Meta-Moment & Regulation Steps

• Dr. Brackett’s “Meta-Moment” method:
  • Start (notice trigger)
  • Sense (recognize body/mind cues)
  • Stop (pause)
  • Strategize (choose an adaptive response)
  • Succeed (carry out the strategy)
    (31:41)
• The method is preventative and proactive; it involves preparing oneself to show up as the desired 'self' before potential triggers. (37:15)

7. Truth, Kindness, and Honesty in Relationships

• Balancing honesty with kindness is possible and crucial.
• Dr. Brackett:

  "I don't think you have to pummel someone to get your message across. ... I do believe you can always integrate truth and kindness." (39:23)

• When giving difficult feedback, focus on growth, disappointment (not personal attack), and practical steps. (56:39)

8. Scripts, Coaching, and Social Influence

• People often lack scripts for hard conversations or supporting others; the book provides examples and guidance.
• "It's like helping the person discover for themselves as opposed to being the knower, the teller." (60:34)
• Effective regulation supports others' growth and well-being, not just one’s own.

9. Moving Beyond Victimhood and Trauma

• Emphasizes growth over remaining stuck in negative experiences:

  "The goal right, in life is to grow, not to be stuck." (61:47)

• Brackett recounts personal trauma, stressing he chooses not to identify solely by it but to grow and help others develop the same skills.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

On Emotion Regulation’s Impact:

"Virtually everything that has ever happened in your life, good, bad, happy, sad, frustrating, satisfying, joyous, discouraging, depressing, was influenced by how you responded to your emotions, how you dealt with your feelings." — Dr. Marc Brackett (03:49, 63:33)

On Learning Emotional Skills:

"None of us is born that way. Everything is learned." — Dr. Marc Brackett (18:31)

On Grace:

"We have to have forgiveness and grace. Like, we are imperfect people. We're going to get triggered." — Dr. Marc Brackett (15:09)

On Co-Regulation:

"The mere presence of someone is a deactivator." — Dr. Marc Brackett (27:39)

On Best Self:

"How would the best version of yourself respond to this? How would the feelings master... use this information wisely?" — Dr. Marc Brackett (35:18)

On Personal History:

"I learned to be very reactive with my anger and to be neurotic and shut down with my anxiety. And then I started studying martial arts...I was like, oh my God, there's another way." — Dr. Marc Brackett (18:31)

On Supporting Others:

"It's like helping the person discover for themselves as opposed to being the knower, the teller." — Dr. Marc Brackett (60:34)

Key Timestamps for Important Segments

• Definition of Emotion Regulation: 07:37–09:27
• Mindset and Identity as Emotionally Intelligent: 09:43–11:00
• Co-Regulation and Feelings Mentors: 20:17, 27:41–29:32
• Stats on Childhood Emotional Support: 29:10–30:18
• Introducing the Meta-Moment Method: 31:41–38:07
• Honesty vs. Kindness in Tough Conversations: 38:07–41:51, 55:46–57:33
• Preparation and Mindfulness in Regulation: 49:12–52:48
• Scripts and Coaching Others: 59:28–61:18
• Overcoming Trauma and Victimhood: 61:47–63:33
• Signature Quote on Emotional Responses: 03:49, 63:33

Final Thoughts

Dr. Marc Brackett eloquently makes the case that emotional intelligence is both a personal skill set and a social gift. Regulation skills are developed intentionally, fostered by relationships, and are far more complex than just “taking a deep breath.” His practical framework and lived wisdom offer tangible hope that we can all learn to deal with our feelings—and, as a result, build happier, healthier, and more purpose-driven relationships and lives.

Recommended Reading:

• "Dealing with Feeling" by Marc Brackett
• "Rise Above: Overcome a Victim Mindset, Empower Yourself, and Realize Your Full Potential" by Scott Barry Kaufman