Are We Obligated To Pay For Our Parents' Funeral?

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Are We Obligated To Pay For Our Parents' Funeral?"

Podcast Information:

• Title: The Ramsey Show Highlights
• Host/Author: Ramsey Network
• Episode: Are We Obligated To Pay For Our Parents' Funeral?
• Release Date: February 8, 2025

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Introduction

In this episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights, the Ramsey Network delves into the sensitive topic of financial obligations toward parents' funeral expenses. Hosted by Dave Ramsey, the discussion features insights from Dr. John Deloney as they navigate the emotional and practical aspects of handling funeral costs within a family dynamic.

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Caller’s Dilemma

The episode opens with a caller grappling with the expectation that all siblings must contribute to their parent-in-law’s funeral expenses. The caller expresses discomfort with feeling obligated, especially when significant assets like property and vehicles are left behind.

• Caller’s Concern:
  “I recently had a parent in law pass away, and I was informed and told that all the siblings had to come together to pay for the funeral. And while it was very sad what happened, they did leave property behind. And vehicles. Several properties, as a matter of fact. And so is it okay that I feel like this is not my obligation? Is there something wrong with that? With feeling that way?”
  (00:10)

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Emotional Validation

Dr. John Deloney begins by validating the caller's feelings, emphasizing that emotions are personal and don’t necessarily reflect the objective truth of the situation.

• Dr. John Deloney:
  “You can feel however you want to feel. Feelings are cool. That doesn't make them true.”
  (00:39)

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Exploring the Caller’s Relationships and Responsibilities

Dave Ramsey seeks clarity on who is influencing the caller’s feelings, uncovering that it is her spouse making her feel guilty for not contributing.

• Dave Ramsey:
  “Who's making you feel bad? Your spouse or the in law? Siblings?”
  (01:08)

The discussion reveals that the funeral cost per sibling is approximately $3,000, totaling $24,000 for eight siblings.

• Caller Clarification:
  “It's just under $3,000.”
  (01:27)

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Dr. Deloney’s Practical Advice

Dr. Deloney advises the caller to separate emotions from financial realities. He suggests addressing financial boundaries after the initial grief phase to prevent ongoing familial pressure.

• Dr. John Deloney:
  “You can have em [feelings] all day long. This is your husband's mom or your husband's dad.”
  (02:32)

He recommends establishing financial boundaries once immediate emotions have settled, ensuring that the couple maintains control over their finances without undue influence from extended family.

• Dr. John Deloney:
  “If you were telling me, hey, this is going to put us on the street... math doesn't care that your parents just passed away.”
  (02:58)

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Dave Ramsey’s Relationship Insights

Dave Ramsey emphasizes the importance of mutual respect and understanding within the marriage, especially when dealing with in-law expectations.

• Dave Ramsey:
  “But what you said is such a good point. Don't draw the line in the sand... wait till you get to the top and be like, okay, now let's talk.”
  (05:13)

He highlights the necessity of timing when addressing sensitive issues, advising against confrontation during high-stress periods like immediately after a funeral.

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Communication Strategies

Both hosts offer strategies for effective communication to prevent arguments and foster unity.

• Dr. John Deloney:
  “No one has ever had an aha moment after 10 o'clock at night. Go to bed.”
  (05:23)

• Dave Ramsey:
  “Sam and I figured out early on if we go for a walk and we're not looking at like you probably know this, shoulder to shoulder dude.”
  (07:10)

They recommend having important discussions in calm environments, such as over a walk or during breakfast, rather than in the heat of the moment.

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Conclusion and Final Advice

Dr. Deloney concludes by reaffirming that while feelings are valid, they should not dictate financial decisions. He encourages the caller to focus on reality and establish clear boundaries post-grief to prevent future conflicts.

• Dr. John Deloney:
  “Your feelings are your feelings. You can have them. You're allowed to. That doesn't change reality, though.”
  (07:53)

Dave Ramsey echoes this sentiment, reinforcing the importance of handling financial responsibilities thoughtfully and collaboratively within the marriage.

• Dave Ramsey:
  “That's true. Very, very good advice, Dr. John Deloney.”
  (07:53)

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Key Takeaways

1. Emotional Validation: Acknowledge and accept your feelings without letting them overshadow practical decisions.
2. Financial Boundaries: Establish clear financial boundaries with extended family after the initial period of grief.
3. Effective Communication: Choose the right time and environment for important discussions to avoid unnecessary conflict.
4. Unified Front: Maintain a united approach within the marriage to handle external pressures effectively.

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Notable Quotes

• Dr. John Deloney (00:39):
  “Feelings are cool. That doesn't make them true.”

• Dave Ramsey (01:08):
  “Who's making you feel bad? Your spouse or the in law? Siblings?”

• Dr. John Deloney (05:23):
  “No one has ever had an aha moment after 10 o'clock at night. Go to bed.”

• Dave Ramsey (07:10):
  “Sam and I figured out early on if we go for a walk and we're not looking at like you probably know this, shoulder to shoulder dude.”

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Conclusion

This episode offers a compassionate yet pragmatic approach to handling the financial responsibilities associated with funerals. By validating emotions and promoting clear communication and financial boundaries, listeners are empowered to navigate similar situations with confidence and unity.

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Note: Advertisements and promotional content have been excluded to focus solely on the substantive discussion.

Transcript

[Dave Ramsey]

Brought to you by chm, a biblically based alternative to health insurance. Learn [e-mail] budget My question is, is.

[Caller]

I recently had a parent in law pass away, and I was informed and told that all the siblings had to come together to pay for the funeral. And while it was very sad what happened, they did leave property behind. And vehicles. Several properties, as a matter of fact. And so is it okay that I feel like this is not my obligation? Is there something wrong with that? With feeling that way?

[Dr. John Deloney]

You can feel however you want to feel. Feelings are cool. That doesn't make them true.

[Caller]

Okay.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And it won't have. It may have zero bearing on what actually happens, but, yeah, feel however you want to feel.

[Caller]

Okay. I just. I'm being made to feel like I'm a bad person because I don't want to help pay for a funeral, that I know there's money there, and it's. I guess it's just the principle of being told that I, you know, that we have to pay for the funeral.

[Dave Ramsey]

Who's making you feel bad? Your spouse or the in law? Siblings?

[Caller]

My spouse.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Do you all have the money?

[Caller]

We do.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Dave Ramsey]

I want to know what John's gonna say, but I want to know two things before he says it. Number one, how much?

[Caller]

It's just. It was just under $3,000.

[Dave Ramsey]

Per. Per sibling. Like, per sibling. Family. Okay.

[Caller]

There's eight of them.

[Dr. John Deloney]

There's eight brothers and sisters.

[Caller]

Mm. Yes.

[Dave Ramsey]

So 24,000 for this funeral is what we're looking at.

[Caller]

Correct.

[Dave Ramsey]

Okay, then. Then another. The other part. And John's gonna say what? He's gonna say the other part. If I were in your shoes, this. This is the situation. I'm thinking if I had, and I don't know what your relationship was with the in laws, but if I had a poor relationship with my in laws, if I didn't really have a relationship with them, I care two cents. And I'm finding out that our cut of the thing is 3,000, which that's not the case, but I'm just saying my first inclination would be to say, well, how would I feel if it was reverse? And if it was my family, what would I. What is the treatment that I would hope from my spouse? So that's just kind of where my mind first goes. John.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Well, I think it's 100%. If I was a guessing man, a betting man, I would bet you've been, quote, unquote, told what y'all are gonna do for holidays, for meals, for shopping, for how many Presents. You've been. You're tired of being told, huh?

[Caller]

Correct?

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yes. And so it sounds like your feelings are your feelings. You can have em all day long. This is your husband's mom or your husband's dad.

[Caller]

Got it?

[Dr. John Deloney]

And if you got 3,000 bucks, you got it. And if there's a whole bunch of property 17 years after it's all been filtered through all eight siblings and their spouses and their kids and ex spouses and all that, you'll get your 3,000 bucks back.

[Caller]

Got it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I mean, I mean, if you were telling me, hey, this is going to put us on the street and my. My husband's putting all this on a credit card. He went out and took a HELOC out. Then we're sitting down. Because I would have a conversation with him like, math doesn't care that your parents just passed away. You don't have that money.

[Caller]

Got it.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Right. Y'all do. This is just about. You are tired of getting pushed around by his family. Is that fair?

[Caller]

Very fair.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. This is. This is outside of. And Jade push back on me. Outside of. We. We simply don't have the money.

[Caller]

It's not the first time it's happened. And so I guess I know, you know, like it happens all the time, and I'm just.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yes.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay, so here's the deal. Yeah, it's happened a whole bunch. It's going to happen a whole bunch after this. But when the house is underwater, that's not the time to talk about. I told you you should have replaced the faucet. That's the time to get all the water out of the house, start bailing the water out. Once the water's bailed out, then we're going to go to breakfast and we're going to talk about, hey, in the future. Every time I feel like that your brothers and sisters and their spouses have more influence on our home than I do. And I didn't say I do to all of them. I said I do to you. This is our home. Can we come up with some boundaries for what's gonna. What is is gonna be? What is is gonna be. If that means coming up with a fund that he puts money into every month, like a sinking fund that is just take care of his boundaryless family members because he doesn't have any spine. Cool. Come up with that fund. Okay, but with. With one of his parents in a casket right now, that's just a weird time to throw the gauntlet down for 25 or $3,000 money, y'all have.

[Dave Ramsey]

Well, that. And it makes you the bad guy.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. And they're.

[Caller]

Exactly.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Here's the bad guy here. The bad guy here is nobody just. It stinks that we lost a parent.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Right. And so I would hold his hand through grief and say, I'm sorry for causing a ruckus. Let's put our 3,000 bucks in. And then when this whole thing is over, when he's. Y'all write your. You know, y'all are doing your grief. Y'all are talking about, now, how are you. Then you come up with the boundaries conversation. Hey, this has happened our entire marriage, and I want to draw a line here. Is that fair?

[Caller]

That's very fair.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay. I'm sorry about your loss. And by the way, your feelings. Anybody listening? Your feelings are your feelings. You can have them. You're allowed to. That doesn't change reality, though.

[Dave Ramsey]

No, right. But what you said is such a good point. Don't. Don't draw the line in the sand. Don't die on the hill while you're still, you know, climbing up it. Like, wait till you get to the top and be like, okay, now let's talk.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Remember one of my professors told me, like, no one has ever had an aha moment after 10 o'clock at night. Go to bed. Yeah, go to bed. Right? That old. Like, don't go to bed on your anger sometimes. Go to bed.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Y'all are together. You're united. You'll figure it out. Go to bed and figure it out. After everybody's eaten and somebody's had some coffee and the sun is back out, that.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah, that's so funny. Sam and I learned early on in our marriage, like, there's something about standing in the kitchen that it's not a good time.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It's never a good time.

[Dave Ramsey]

It always turns into an argument. If you're standing up in the kitchen after hours and you bring up something that's a hot button issue, it will be an argument.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yes. And so even last night, my wife said, and it's because she's awesome. I want to talk about calendar and then budget, and then there's more budget, and then. And we got all the way into. All right. But if I move over this for my son's freshman year of college. He's a freshman high school, by the way. And she said. She literally goes, you have seven minutes. Because it's get up on 9:00. And she's like, yes, seven minutes. And then. And then I turn back into a pumpkin. And it was like. Like, we don't have any productive conversations after seven.

[Dave Ramsey]

True.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And I get all nihilistic. Then what happens when the dollar collapsed and she's like dude, I just want go to bed.

[Dave Ramsey]

But you know what? Do you know what I find when you figure out those things that kind of takes the steam out. Like Sam and I figured out early on if we go for a walk and we're not looking at like you probably know this, shoulder to shoulder dude. That's right, the professional. But when we're not looking at each other it, we can talk about some of the most like high like things that would usually turn into an argument. We're able to talk through them because we're not looking directly. Like staring face to face watching every nuance of your reaction. It's like just go for a walk, hold hand.

[Dr. John Deloney]

That's why I always tell people when you have hard conversations, don't have them at dinner, have them at breakfast because the sun is out, you've got some sleep and you can standing in the kitchen. Don't do it standing kitchen.

[Dave Ramsey]

Right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Sit down at the table. But yeah, like, like yeah, the environment plays a big role into this. But yeah, if when somebody's parent has passed away, if there's trauma there, it's going to hurt. If they were super tight, it's going to hurt. It's just going to hurt. And that's not the time to be like, well I told you, let's get through that funeral. And if you got the money, you got the money, you got the money, right?

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So thanks for that call that, that Janie, your willingness to be open about your feelings is gonna help a lot of people. Because I think a lot of people right now, Jay, don't feel like they have permission to feel. Feel how they want to feel. Doesn't change reality though.

[Dave Ramsey]

That's right.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And we have to operate in reality.

[Dave Ramsey]

That's true. Very, very good advice, Dr. John Deloney. As usual. CHM isn't health insurance. It's a health cost sharing ministry. Check it out for [e-mail] budget.