Disinherit Our Son Due To His Life Choices?

Summary

Podcast Summary: The Ramsey Show Highlights

Episode Title: Disinherit Our Son Due To His Life Choices?
Release Date: September 7, 2025
Duration: Approx. 7 minutes (excluding ads and non-content)
Host/Advisor Team: Ramsey Network (main advisors not individually named in transcript)
Caller: Concerned parent considering changing a will distribution

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1. Episode Overview

This episode centers on a difficult family and estate-planning question:
Should a parent change their will to provide less (or nothing) to an adult child whose life choices and financial habits they strongly disagree with? The conversation delves into both the practical and emotional aspects of adjusting inheritance due to values conflicts, and how best to handle such decisions with empathy, clarity, and honesty—particularly regarding communication within the family.

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2. Key Discussion Points & Insights

Caller’s Situation (00:11–00:49)

• Couple in early-to-mid 60s with two adult children—a son and a daughter.
• Will currently splits inheritance 50/50.
• Concerns:
  • Son has a history of “blowing money.”
  • Parents do not support his “lifestyle and relationship.”
  • Parents have stopped financial support in recent years.

Central Question

• “Is it appropriate to change the will where one adult child is a beneficiary of decreased amounts?” – Caller (00:49)

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Advisors’ Response: Ethics, Intent, and Communication

Appropriateness of Will Changes (00:49–01:41)

• Advisor 1: "Yes, it's totally appropriate. But the goal is not to be punishing." (00:49)
• The purpose should be not financing things the parents disagree with, not retaliating.
• Powerful illustration:
  • “If your kid’s doing heroin and you leave them a bunch of money, you kill them because they’re now a well-financed heroin addict.” (01:11)
    The message: inheritance can enable destructive behavior.

The Importance of Honest Communication (01:41–02:27)

• Caller: “Is this something we communicate?” (01:41)
• Advisor 2: "Yes. God, please. Yes. Otherwise you’re going to destroy his relationship…” (01:43)
  • Not discussing the reasoning will harm sibling relationships; survivors may blame each other rather than understanding the parents’ motivations.

Framing & Approach to the Conversation (02:27–03:36)

• Advisors stress the need to check one’s motives:
  • Don’t act out of punishment.
  • Strive for integrity: “I have to make sure I get my heart right, that I am not doing that, but instead I'm doing this to not finance the wrong things.” (01:57, Advisor 1)
• Offer avenues for reconciliation or “redemption” if possible:
  • “If you want to sit down and get some support in these ways, man, I’m all open. But as of right now, here’s my decision.” (03:23, Advisor 2)
• Clarify: The relationship isn’t being cut off, just the money. Parental love remains.
  • “You can’t do anything bad enough to make me not love you.” (03:31, Advisor 1)

Clarity is Kindness: Keep It Short & Direct (03:36–05:02)

• Avoid lengthy justifications.
  • “No, just tell them the truth. We’re not aligned on these things, honey. And you know we're not aligned on these things. And, you know, we love you anyway…” (03:44, Advisor 1)
• Emphasize this isn’t the sibling’s doing.
• If the child changes course, the will can be reviewed in the future.
• Keep the conversation as brief as possible to avoid defense mechanisms.
  • “Very short. And always… here's the hard thing. I'm going to be back here in a week… If you want to talk some further about it, I'd love to circle back…” (04:38, Advisor 2)

Minimize Details; Focus on Values (05:02–05:19)

• “Don’t try to explain it… Not, don’t give a whole bunch of details as to why, not in that moment… But it doesn’t mean we don’t love you.” (05:02, Advisor 1)

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Poisoning Sibling Relationships & Courage in Conversation (05:19–05:54)

• Failing to communicate this “will poison their relationship” with siblings or others who inherit.
  • “It goes wrong every time.” (05:51, Advisor 2)
• Advisor opinion: Not having this conversation is cowardly.

The Hard Truth: Expect Backlash (05:54–06:28)

• “If you’re going to piss somebody off with your will, do it while you’re alive.” (05:54, Advisor 1)
• The conversation almost always “goes poorly” (06:08, Advisor 2), but it is necessary.

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3. Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On intent:
  "The goal is not to be punishing. The goal is to not finance things I don't agree with."
  — Advisor 1 (00:49)

• On clear communication:
  "Otherwise you’re going to destroy his relationship… with his brother, the sibling."
  — Advisor 2 (01:43)

• On parental love:
  "I still love you. And you can’t do anything bad enough to make me not love you.”
  — Advisor 1 (03:31)

• On the necessity for brevity:
  “Keep it very short, very short… If you want to talk some further about it, I'd love to circle back with you on it, but this is… I just want you to know this is some choices we’ve made.”
  — Advisor 2 (04:38)

• On sibling fallout:
  "You will poison their relationship with their sibling… if you don't have the courage to have the conversation."
  — Advisor 2 (05:19)

• On the inevitability of backlash:
  "If you're going to piss somebody off with your will, do it while you're alive."
  — Advisor 1 (05:54)

• On emotional choices:
  "Choose guilt over resentment. You're going to feel guilty about taking the money, whatever. Otherwise you’re just going to live every moment resenting your kid for future behavior they may or may not do after you’re gone."
  — Advisor 2 (06:17)

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4. Key Timestamps

• 00:11: Caller describes dilemma and asks about appropriateness of changing will.
• 00:49: Advisors affirm the parents' right to make changes; intent is crucial.
• 01:41: Discussion about whether to communicate the decision with the son.
• 02:27: Advisors warn against acting out of punishment; stay true to values.
• 03:44: Advisors coach caller on clear, direct conversation—keep it honest and simple.
• 04:38–05:02: Advice on structuring the conversation: Short, to-the-point, with openness to further discussion later.
• 05:19: Strong warning—failure to discuss will harm sibling relationships.
• 05:54: Advisors reinforce—where there will be anger, address it now rather than leaving it unresolved.

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5. Summary Takeaways

• Changing a will due to a child's life choices is appropriate in some circumstances, but should be done thoughtfully, rooted in values, not punishment.
• A clear, direct, and loving conversation is essential—to avoid damaging family relationships and ensure transparency.
• Expect emotional fallout; it’s rarely easy, but far preferable to silence or secrecy, which can “poison” relationships down the line.
• Ultimately, maintain love and dignity in communications—even when decisions are difficult.

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This episode offers wise, compassionate counsel through a thorny estate-planning issue, emphasizing clarity, honesty, and the imperative of family communication.

Transcript

[Host]

Brought to you by chm, a biblically based alternative to health insurance. Learn [e-mail] budget I got a question about our will.

[Caller]

My wife is 63. I'm 60. Or she's 62, I'm 64. We have two children and adult children. And we have right now our will divided 50. 50. My son has a history of blowing money and we have stopped helping some years ago. Also, there's other concerns. He's in a lifestyle and a relationship that we don't agree with. And so the question is really simple. Is it appropriate to change the will where one adult child is a beneficiary of decreased amounts?

[Advisor 1]

Yes, it's totally appropriate. But the goal is not to be punishing force.

[Caller]

Exactly.

[Advisor 1]

The goal is to. I don't want to finance things I don't agree with.

[Caller]

Okay, okay.

[Advisor 1]

With my death. Okay. And so my value system is not matching. And so I'm not going to finance, you know, an extreme situation that I always use just to kind of illustrate the concept. And it's not what you're. You've got, but I mean, if your kid's doing heroin and you leave them a bunch of money, you kill them because they're going to overdose because they're now a well financed heroin addict. And so you're not doing them a favor to finance their bad choices from the grave.

[Caller]

Is this something we communicate?

[Advisor 2]

Yes. God, please. Yes. Otherwise you're going to destroy his relationship.

[Advisor 1]

With his brother, the sibling.

[Caller]

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a daughter and a son.

[Advisor 1]

Yeah.

[Advisor 2]

You're gonna destroy it because you're gonna leave all this to the daughter and then when you pass away, he's gonna.

[Advisor 1]

Be pissed at her like she did something and she didn't do anything. So. And you know, and, and you know, John, make some. How. What's the gentlest? Because we again, you'd want to make sure you're not using. If it's me, I would have a tendency to be doling this out as punishment. And I have to make sure I get my heart right, that I am not doing that, but instead I'm doing this to not finance the wrong things.

[Caller]

That's been a two to three year process of making sure my heart is right. This is something we could have done some years ago. But.

[Advisor 1]

How do you gently have this conversation?

[Advisor 2]

Well, like you say, if you're worried about him blowing money, I always like there to be a path to redemption. And so if there is no path, there's no path. And then there's not a gentle way other than to treat the person with dignity and respect and be kind and say it and expect the blowback that you're going to anticipate, but don't become somebody you're not in an effort to have a hard conversation. Right. The other side of it is if this person has a history of blowing money, a history of addiction, a history of whatever, and you've cut them off financially, being able to say, I want to love and support you, but I. I'm not willing to do it in this way. If you get on this plan, if you want to sit down and get some support in these ways, man, I'm.

[Caller]

I'm all.

[Advisor 2]

I'm all open. But as of right now, here's my decision.

[Advisor 1]

Yeah. And. And this is not our relationship. I'm cutting off. It's just the money, right?

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Advisor 1]

I still love you. And you can't do anything that you can't do anything bad enough to make me not love you.

[Caller]

Even logistically, you got, you know, a child who's single. You got another one who's got two kids. So you could. We presented even logistics. No, no.

[Advisor 1]

I think you just tell them the truth. No, just tell them the truth. We're not aligned on these things, honey. And you know we're not aligned on these things. And, you know, we love you anyway, but where. You need to know also that we're not. We don't feel right about leaving money to finance things that we're not aligned on. And so I just want to let you know that your sister has nothing to do with this, but we are changing the will because of these decisions you have made. And so. And when. If you decide not to do that anymore, then we can talk about that. But it's not a punishment. It's because we just don't send money to things that we don't think it's. It's morally or ethically correct to send money to things we don't agree with. And so, you know, and so on, you know, it's. And I don't know that the conversation needs to be lengthy. I really wouldn't get into who shot who.

[Advisor 2]

Very short, Very short. And always. It's kind of like. Like a termination of employment. Here's the hard thing. I'm going to be back here in a week or. I know this is hard to digest. This is challenging, whatever. If you want to talk some further about it, I'd love to circle back with you on it, but this is. I just want you to know this is some choices we've made because at that moment, it's fight or flight. Nobody's. Everyone's defending themselves and, and lashing out or shutting down.

[Advisor 1]

Don't try to explain it right. Not, don't give a whole bunch of details as to why not in that moment. It's just these, a couple things here, you know, we're not aligned on. And you know, based on that, your mom and I have talked about it and we don't think it's morally correct for us to leave money to things that we're not aligned on. But it doesn't mean we don't love you. Here.

[Advisor 2]

Here's the. The biggest thing out of this. I just was having a conversation with somebody outside of this building recently about this very thing. Um, you will poison their relationship with their sibling if. Or with aunt, uncle, whoever you leave this money to if you don't have the courage to have the conversation. While you have the conversation, I talked to a sibling whose parent called and said, I'm moving all the money to you and will not have the conversation. And I said, well, circle back and say thank you. I don't want the money for destroying my relationship with my sibling.

[Advisor 1]

Yeah, yeah.

[Advisor 2]

It goes wrong every time.

[Advisor 1]

That's just, that's cowardly.

[Advisor 2]

Correct.

[Advisor 1]

Yeah. So, yeah, yeah. That you've got, you've got. And the way we always make fun of it here on the air is like, if you're going to piss somebody off with your will, do it while you're alive. You know, it's that kind of thing. Because you are going to get blowback on this too, by the way. Don't, don't expect this conversation to go well.

[Advisor 2]

It goes poorly 100% of the time.

[Advisor 1]

Yeah, yeah, it's not going to go well. But the. What's the saying you use? I can't remember. It's regret is.

[Advisor 2]

Oh, choose guilt over resentment.

[Advisor 1]

Yeah, choose guilt over resentment.

[Advisor 2]

You're going to feel guilty about taking the money, whatever. Otherwise you're just going to live every moment resenting your kid for future behavior they may or may not do after you're gone.

[Advisor 1]

And they don't even know they're doing it right yet. So, yeah, that's the whole thing.

[Host]

CHM isn't health insurance. It's a health cost sharing ministry. Check it out for [e-mail] budget.