"Does This Feel Weird To You?"

Summary

Summary of "Does This Feel Weird To You?" – The Ramsey Show Highlights

Episode Title: Does This Feel Weird To You?
Host/Author: Ramsey Network
Release Date: June 18, 2025
Duration: Under 10 minutes

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Introduction

In this episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights, a caller named Sally reaches out to discuss her struggles with financial dynamics in her 15-year marriage. Her husband, despite a substantial combined net worth of approximately $5 million and an annual income of $400k, exerts significant control over their finances. Sally feels constrained by his controlling behavior, particularly concerning her inheritance funds, leading her to seek advice on navigating this challenging situation.

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Sally's Financial Dilemma

Sally introduces her predicament early in the call:

[00:10] Sally: "My husband does well financially, but he tends to be a bit controlling with money. He's always taken the inheritance I've received each year and invested it in the stock market."

She recently received a substantial inheritance of about $50k, which she wishes to keep in a separate savings account. However, her husband opposes this idea, insisting on managing the investment himself and providing her with monthly dividends as an "allowance." This arrangement has left Sally feeling restricted and dependent:

[00:10] Sally: "He said he'll give me the monthly dividends as an allowance, but I'm getting more freedom than that."

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Counselors' Analysis and Identification of Financial Abuse

The counselors quickly identify the underlying issues in Sally's situation. Counselor 2 points out the problematic use of the term "allowance" in a marital context:

[00:43] Counselor 2: "I don't like the word allowance used when it's not with your own child."

As the conversation progresses, the counselors delve deeper into the patterns of control and manipulation exhibited by Sally's husband. Counselor 2 explicitly labels the behavior as financial abuse:

[01:48] Counselor 2: "This is financial abuse."

They explore the extent of financial control, noting that Sally's husband restricts her access to funds beyond shared expenses like gas and groceries. Although Sally has access to a joint credit card and a debit card for personal expenses, the limited allowance and restrictions on how she can use her funds are significant red flags.

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The Emotional and Psychological Impact

Sally shares the emotional toll this financial control has taken on her, especially after the birth of their six-year-old son:

[01:52] Sally: "Well, it's gotten worse since we had our child. I have a six-year-old and not able to put him in like swim lessons and stuff."

The counselors recognize that Sally's husband's financial control extends beyond mere budgeting issues, impacting their quality of life and Sally's autonomy. Counselor 2 highlights the trust deficit in their relationship:

[05:39] Counselor 2: "So there's a clear. He does not trust you when it comes to finances, and he thinks that you're not smart enough to even understand it."

This dynamic contributes to Sally feeling gaslighted and undermined, as her husband's behavior manipulates her perception of reality and self-worth.

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Practical Advice and Recommendations

The counselors offer several actionable recommendations to Sally:

1. Establish Financial Independence:

   • Counselor 1: "I would have my own account and have your own money in."

   Sally is advised to keep her inheritance separate and use it as a tool for potential future needs, including the possibility of exiting the marriage if necessary.

2. Seek Professional Help:

   • Counselor 2: "I would use that to get some counseling. Just for yourself right now."

   Both counselors emphasize the importance of individual and possibly marital counseling to address the underlying issues in Sally's relationship.

3. Assess the Viability of the Marriage:

   • Counselor 1: "If he's not, Sally, this is a marriage that doesn't survive."

   They stress that the financial abuse is symptomatic of deeper relational dysfunction, suggesting that without significant changes, the marriage may not endure.

4. Leverage Support Systems:

   • Counselor 2: "Do you have community around you, Sally? Friends, family, people that you can confide in."

   Sally acknowledges having out-of-state support, which the counselors encourage her to utilize for emotional and practical assistance.

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Concluding Insights

The episode underscores the intricate link between financial control and overall relationship health. It highlights how money can become a tool for manipulation and coercion, severely impacting personal freedom and marital stability. The counselors advocate for financial independence as a critical step towards reclaiming autonomy and assessing the health of one's marriage.

Sally's situation exemplifies the broader theme that financial issues often reflect deeper relational problems. Addressing financial abuse requires not only practical financial strategies but also emotional and psychological support to navigate the complexities of such a challenging environment.

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Notable Quotes with Timestamps

• Sally on Financial Control:
  [00:10] "My husband does well financially, but he tends to be a bit controlling with money."

• Counselor 2 on Allowance Terminology:
  [00:43] "I don't like the word allowance used when it's not with your own child."

• Counselor 2 Identifying Abuse:
  [01:48] "This is financial abuse."

• Sally on Limitations and Trust:
  [05:39] "So there's a clear. He does not trust you when it comes to finances, and he thinks that you're not smart enough to even understand it."

• Counselor 1 on Marriage Viability:
  [07:55] "And if he's not, Sally, this is a marriage that doesn't survive."

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Final Thoughts

This episode of The Ramsey Show Highlights serves as a poignant reminder of the critical role that financial dynamics play in personal relationships. It provides valuable insights for listeners who may find themselves in similar situations, emphasizing the importance of recognizing financial abuse and taking proactive steps towards financial and emotional autonomy.

Transcript

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[Sally]

My husband does well financially, but he tends to be a bit controlling with money. He's always taken the inheritance I've received each year and invested it in the stock market. Recently I received about 50k, which will probably be the last bit of inheritance for a while. Since I'm a stay at home mom with no allowance, I'd like to keep this money in a separate savings account in my name only. But he's adamantly against this and wants me to give him the money to invest. He said he'll give me the monthly dividends as an allowance, but I'm getting more freedom than that.

[Counselor 1]

Oh geez, Sally.

[Counselor 2]

I don't like the word allowance used when it's not with your own child.

[Sally]

Right?

[Counselor 2]

Is this how it's been your whole marriage?

[Sally]

Yeah, and sometimes I get an allowance and sometimes I don't.

[Counselor 2]

Based on your behavior. And you don't clean up your toys. I don't understand.

[Counselor 1]

Do you have access to to Yalls checking account just to go. Do you have like a debit card to go and spend?

[Sally]

I do. I use the credit card that's both of ours for gas and groceries. But if I need to like get a haircut or something, I use my debit card. And I have money in there that I usually. I get money from my mom sometimes.

[Counselor 2]

Why are you getting money from your mom? Because what he's giving you isn't enough to cover the things that you want or need.

[Sally]

Right?

[Counselor 1]

This is not okay, Sally. How long have y' all been married?

[Sally]

15 years.

[Counselor 1]

Okay, does this feel weird to you?

[Sally]

Now that I say it out loud, it is okay because it's.

[Counselor 1]

Because it's very weird.

[Counselor 2]

This is financial abuse.

[Sally]

Well, it's gotten worse since we had our child. I have a six year old and not able to put him in like swim lessons and stuff. And he does really well financially. We have about a $5 million net worth. He makes about 400k a month or not a month, 400k a year. So I don't. But he. I don't know if I can convince him. And he says that I'm selfish to keep the money in a savings account and that I'll lose money to inflation.

[Counselor 2]

Have you shown that you're financially irresponsible? Where did all of this come from?

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[Counselor 2]

Where did all this come from?

[Sally]

He probably thinks I am, but I, I'm not. I. I shop at Ollie's bargain basement. You know, I don't spend a lot of money.

[Counselor 1]

Okay. I don't. Okay. So when you come to him and you say, we need to, have you ever asked, have you guys ever breached the conversation of, hey, we're gonna have a budget and I'm gonna put in exactly what I need to spend that stays within what you make, that we're not going crazy, we're not going deep into debt, we're not doing any of that. We're gonna live within our means and I have full access to our money and that this is what we're gonna agree on and that you have a full say in it. Has there ever been any kind of conversation around those lines?

[Sally]

Kind of. I've asked for an allowance before and he's done it for a couple months, but then, you know, it's. It's just not very much. It's like four to five hundred dollars a month.

[Counselor 1]

Where's the. Do you, do you have access to see where he's spending money?

[Sally]

Yeah, I mean, I could. Look, he's very frugal. He. He just golfs a lot and, and does like small sports gambling, like a couple dollars here and there.

[Counselor 2]

Are you sure it's just a couple of dollars?

[Sally]

I don't know. I mean, he hates to spend money, so.

[Counselor 1]

Okay, well, there's some, there's some serious dysfunction in this, Sally. And is he, Is he controlling in other areas as well?

[Sally]

Kind of.

[Counselor 1]

Yeah.

[Sally]

Yeah.

[Counselor 1]

Has it been. Has he been abusive?

[Sally]

No, not physically.

[Counselor 1]

No, not physically, but verbally.

[Sally]

Yeah. A bit manipulative and kind of condescending.

[Counselor 2]

What are some of the words that he would use when he's kind of like in a fit when it comes to money? What kind of stuff does he say to you?

[Sally]

He says that I don't understand money, and he just kind of like yells and clenches his fists and just says that I don't understand and if I just put the money in a savings account, I'll just be like everyone else and he said if I. Then I'll spend all the money and then he'll. Then he said I'll come back to him and need more money. He thinks that I'm just going to blow through this 50 grand and then come back to him asking for money.

[Counselor 2]

So there's a clear. He does not trust you when it comes to finances, and he thinks that you're not smart enough to even understand it.

[Sally]

Right. Which. Which I.

[Counselor 2]

And there's a lot of. There's a lot of gaslighting where he makes you think you're the crazy one.

[Counselor 1]

Yeah. Yeah. Sally. No. So right now, from what you've given us in this call, I would have my own account and have your own money in. And. And then that. That's. That's a very reasonable step for you. And then beyond that, Sally, what we see constantly is that money is a window into the relationship. Right.

[Sally]

That.

[Counselor 1]

That this really isn't a money issue. This is that you have. You have a jerk of a husband who treats you. What sounds horrible, unlike a team. Right. That a healthy marriage would represent that we are in this together. And I trust you, you trust me, and we're going to win and we're going to be excited about this. Downplaying and manipulating and. Yeah. Downright abusive, you know what I mean? Of. Of. Of how he's controlling money and all of that. Like, they. This is not. You're not in a healthy place. Right. With your marriage at all. And so that's what I would start to target. Sally, the money is going to be there for you as a tool if you need it, if you need to get out of this marriage. But what I would be. What I would be pushing him towards is we need to go to marriage counseling asap. Because I can't function like this anymore as. As a. As a human being in this marriage. You know what I mean? Like, it's horrible. Sally, you're in a really bad situation, and I want you to feel the weight of that. That you're not crazy. You're not crazy.

[Sally]

Thank you. I can't see the forest through the trees. It's been so long. But I appreciate that.

[Counselor 2]

Do you have community around you, Sally? Friends, family, people that you can confide in.

[Sally]

Out of state? I do. So I'll be spending time with them this summer, so that will be nice. Just with my son and I. So we'll have some time away for a little bit.

[Counselor 2]

This inheritance, this is just yours, right? He has no legal right to this.

[Sally]

Correct?

[Counselor 2]

Okay.

[Counselor 1]

Yeah.

[Sally]

Except my husband.

[Counselor 2]

I would keep it separate. And I would use that to get some counseling. Just for yourself right now. I don't know that he's willing. I hope he is one day.

[Counselor 1]

And if he's not, Sally, this is a marriage that doesn't survive. I wouldn't want you, I wouldn't want my sister to be in this kind of marriage long term, if he's not willing to do any work and to change what he's doing. This is not a good setup for your life, Sally.

[Counselor 2]

You're being held financially captive.

[Counselor 1]

Yeah, you are. That's exactly right. Yeah. And so normally when we talk about, you know, money, we want to combine everything when we're married. But when there is, and we say this all the time, if there's any level of abuse, mistrust, addiction, anything that feels like you need safety, you need to create that for yourself. And, Sally, this is it. And I would again, this is to protect you. That's not the real issue. The real issue is that your marriage is not in a good spot. And you need to figure that out quickly for you and your son's sake.

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