How Did You Mess This Up So Bad?

Summary

Summary of "How Did You Mess This Up So Bad?" Episode from The Ramsey Show Highlights

Release Date: January 6, 2025

In the episode titled "How Did You Mess This Up So Bad?" from The Ramsey Show Highlights, host Dave Ramsey and counselor Dr. John Deloney address a caller's severe financial and marital crisis. This detailed discussion delves into the consequences of financial mismanagement, the concept of financial infidelity, and the steps necessary to rebuild trust and stability in one's personal life.

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1. Caller’s Financial Breakdown and Marital Strain

The episode opens with a distressed caller reaching out to Dave Ramsey, confessing a significant financial lapse that has jeopardized his marriage. The caller discloses:

Caller [00:06]: "I messed up. Big one behind my wife's back. Racked up 26k in credit card debt in four months. Pregnant wife, I should say. Now she's filing for divorce."

He explains that his reckless spending was aimed at building a social media platform by purchasing $26,000 worth of Pokémon cards and investing in expensive giveaways on an app called Whatnot. His efforts to resell the cards online did not yield the expected returns, leading to substantial debt accumulation.

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2. The Impact of Financial Infidelity

Dr. John Deloney introduces the concept of financial infidelity, emphasizing that the caller's actions have eroded the foundational trust in his marriage. Dr. Deloney states:

Dr. John Deloney [00:45]: "Yeah. It's not because of these Pokemon cards. That was just the final straw."

The discussion highlights that the caller's deceit and irresponsible spending were symptoms of deeper relational issues, describing his behavior as:

Dave Ramsey [01:09]: "That's what it feels like. It's the same part of the brain that you damaged."

Dave Ramsey parallels financial infidelity to a form of betrayal akin to infidelity, underscoring the severity of broken trust in relationships.

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3. Self-Reflection and Acknowledgment

The caller exhibits a commendable level of self-awareness by admitting his poor behavior:

Caller [02:54]: "Yeah. I self-indulged in myself. I went all in and on myself out of selfish greed and lust for fame. That wasn't real."

Dr. Deloney acknowledges this honesty as a crucial first step toward healing:

Dr. John Deloney [03:06]: "You sound like you're working through this mentally, at least it sounds like it."

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4. Strategies for Rebuilding Trust

Dave Ramsey and Dr. Deloney provide actionable advice to help the caller mend his fractured relationship:

a. Transparency and Accountability

Dr. John Deloney [05:58]: "And be proactive about making sure there's no place for mistrust to live. So you're sharing all the account passwords."

Dave Ramsey [06:13]: "You've got to rebuild trust in your integrity. No strikes, no lying, no purchases that she doesn't know about the rest of your life."

The emphasis is on complete honesty and eliminating any behaviors that could foster mistrust.

b. Educative Resources

Dave recommends a pivotal resource for rebuilding trust:

Dave Ramsey [04:35]: "Go pick up this book by Dr. Henry Cloud. It's called Trust, Trust, Trust. That's what this whole call is about. Broken trust."

This book serves as a guide for both partners to understand and navigate the complexities of restoring trust.

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5. Personal Experiences and Long-Term Commitment

Dave Ramsey shares his personal experience to illustrate the long-term dedication required to rebuild trust:

Dave Ramsey [06:15]: "But it took her 30 years to work on that. Absolutely. No lies. No secretive behavior."

He underscores that rebuilding trust is a marathon, not a sprint, requiring consistent and honest behavior over decades.

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6. Final Advice and Call to Action

Concluding the conversation, Dave Ramsey reiterates the importance of honesty and collaborative financial management:

Dave Ramsey [08:29]: "Create your free EveryDollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life."

He encourages listeners to engage in proactive budgeting as a foundational step toward financial recovery and relational harmony.

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Key Takeaways

• Financial Infidelity: Unauthorized or deceitful financial actions can severely damage trust in a relationship.

• Honesty and Transparency: Complete openness about financial matters is essential for rebuilding trust.

• Education and Resources: Utilizing books and seeking professional counseling can provide valuable guidance.

• Long-Term Commitment: Rebuilding trust is a prolonged process that demands unwavering dedication and consistent honest behavior.

• Proactive Budgeting: Implementing structured budgeting tools, like the EveryDollar app, can aid in achieving financial stability.

This episode serves as a poignant reminder of the intertwined nature of financial responsibility and relational health, offering listeners both empathy for those in crisis and practical solutions to navigate their challenges.

Transcript

[Dave Ramsey]

Brought to you by the EveryDollar app. Start budgeting for free today.

[Caller]

Hey, Dave. So, I. I appreciate you taking my call. You. I messed up. Big one behind my wife's back. Racked up 26k and credit card debt in four months. Pregnant wife, I should say. Now she's filing for divorce.

[Dave Ramsey]

What? Where did you drag. Would you jack up 26k on Pokemon cards?

[Caller]

Trying to buy a bunch and then sell them online, which didn't work out.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Oh, okay. All right.

[Dave Ramsey]

She's filing for divorce.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dave Ramsey]

She already filed and sounds like things were pretty rocky before.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. It's not because of these Pokemon cards. That was just the final straw.

[Caller]

Yeah, correct. We have three boys together, two to five, and our first girl on the way, she's 15 weeks pregnant.

[Dr. John Deloney]

So what went on before this? Why? What were the straws before this? How have you been behaving?

[Caller]

Angry. Short. Not. Not. Not pleasant at all to be around, to be honest.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I appreciate your honesty.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dave Ramsey]

So let me ask you, if you were to put her shoes on for a minute, what do you think regarding this purchase? That she's angry about the deceit, the betrayal. Good. Good. That's good. Self awareness. Yeah. In our world, we call this financial infidelity because you busted the trust. Almost as if you slept with someone.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Dave Ramsey]

That's the way it feels. It's the same part of the brain that you damaged. Yeah, that's what's going on. And so that's why I pushed her over the top. And then. So the net net of the thing is, have you been able to sell the Pokemon cards yet?

[Caller]

No, I'm going here in a few. I'm just getting everything together so I can take it to one of the local shops here in Salt Lake to sell and pay back some part of this debt.

[Dave Ramsey]

What do you think they're going to bring?

[Caller]

I'll be lucky, honestly, if I probably get five grand.

[Dave Ramsey]

So how did you mess this up that bad? I'm confused.

[Caller]

So what had happened was I was trying to build a platform on social media, so I built an Instagram account where you buy followers, and I paid a lot of money on giveaways on an app called Whatnot. And that's how I really racked up the debt, was buying these expensive giveaways to try to get people to come.

[Dave Ramsey]

So you didn't really buy $26,000 worth of Pokemon. You really spent some of this money on the website?

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah. Trying to build a false front. Yeah.

[Caller]

Yes.

[Dave Ramsey]

Look like you're bigger than you really are. Yeah.

[Caller]

100.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Did you tell her any part of this? And she said, don't do it and you did it anyway, or you just kind of did it all?

[Caller]

Yes. I started at. We were at four grand, and that's what she knew of 4,500. And then I went. And continued as things were already going a rocky path. I felt I just. I self indulged in myself.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah.

[Caller]

And went all in and on myself out of selfish greed and lust for fame. That wasn't real.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Are you in counseling?

[Caller]

I am, yeah. She went with me in my today with my appointment.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Okay.

[Caller]

And that's good? Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yes.

[Caller]

Point blank.

[Dr. John Deloney]

I say that because you sound like you're. You sound like you're working through this mentally, at least it sounds like it. In this very short call, has she said anything to the effect of he, here's what I need to see in order to stay with you, or has she just said, that's it?

[Caller]

She did. I looked up a video from you guys I saw. I came across your number last night. A financial infidelity. She used that word. And I told her, I said, look, I know I'm going to be served papers tomorrow, next day, so if there's even a chance you'll stay with me, I would burn all these cards right now, work overtime and do whatever it takes.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Wow. What'd she say to that?

[Caller]

She said, I want to go through a therapist appointment.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Good.

[Caller]

And the therapist said, why should she stay with you? I said, logically, she shouldn't. I said, she has no room to stand on that. She should. And I said, but there's even a chance, even if in the end it's worth it to give a chance to my family.

[Dave Ramsey]

So let me give you a parallel. And we're not counselors. Dr. John Deloney is our counselor. But we work with people in these situations and have for 30 years so much that the parallel she's looking for. I'll tell you what. Go pick up this book by Dr. Henry Cloud. It's called Trust, Trust, Trust. That's what this whole call is about. Broken trust. And in his book, he talks about how to build trust and how to rebuild trust when trust has been broken. Also recommend it for your wife because it'll give her some more. It'll give her the correct things, if she's willing to demand of you, that are the right things to demand of you. Okay. And it should sound something like this, what you're trying. The way you rebuild trust is over a period of time, you establish a pattern of never repeating the major offense here. And you already told me what the major offense here was. It wasn't buying on things on the Internet. It wasn't Pokemon cards. It was lying. No, that was the major offense. And so if she enters back into this, if she were my daughter or my little sister, I would tell her to give you a shot. But you get one strike. Never again do you lie. You are so unbelievably honest that it's awkward all the time around your house. Do these jeans make me look fat? Yes. You have to tell the truth all the time. And you have awkwardly.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And be proactive about making sure there's no place for mistrust to live. So you're sharing all the account passwords. You're putting the pin. You know, you're sharing your location on your phone. I. I always say make it to where there's no foothold for that to even get in.

[Dave Ramsey]

Yeah.

[Dr. John Deloney]

And that way there's no questions.

[Dave Ramsey]

So let me kind of give you a correlation a little bit. In my life, there wasn't deception. But my wife did lose faith in me when we went broke because I was stupid. Which was valid. It took years for her to trust 100% in my judgment. We made all decisions together and still make all decisions together. We. Which gives her comfort that I'm not off chasing the moon somewhere like you were. You went off chasing a get rich quick thing. And that I did, too. And that's how I went broke. Didn't cost me my marriage. Did cost me bankruptcy. Because I was an idiot. Okay? I did it with more zeros than you did it, dude. So she. But it took her. I mean, we've been married 43 years. That was 35 years ago. We filed bankruptcy. To this day, if I say a phrase a certain way, I'll see her head tilt because it reminds her body. It reminds her emotions of those old days. And then I have to stop and rephrase and go, okay, here's what I was really trying to say. I could see her body react to this day. Now, it's not much. It's very seldom today because it's been a lot of years of a good pattern. Trust has been rebuilt. She trusts my wisdom now, but it's with. You know, I had 30 years to work on that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Absolutely.

[Dave Ramsey]

So you've got to rebuild trust in your integrity. No strikes, no lying, no purchases that she doesn't know about the rest of your life. Not a freaking pack of gum the rest of your life. Life, period. And it's like if you were if you're an alcoholic. And she says, I'm done. And. But I'm going to give you one more chance, one more time. You fall off the wagon, you're gone.

[Dr. John Deloney]

Yeah. Yes.

[Dave Ramsey]

You're on, you're on a one strike deal. And then, then you got to lean into that. And, and it sounds like you're ready to do that.

[Dr. John Deloney]

It does sound like that. It does sound like that. But I, you know, time will tell it.

[Dave Ramsey]

She may not be ready, she may not want to do it, but this is how it works, folks. You've got to tell the truth and you got to work together on money. High correlation. Between that and winning with money. High correlation and not doing that and losing with money. Create your free every dollar budget today. The simplest way to budget for your life.